Chapter Twelve: Accidental Breakdown

The tea I had with Hanako and Lilly on my second Wednesday at Yamaku was actually very relaxing. When I arrived, I was confused as hell, since it was the girls' dorm and I had no idea if that was acceptable. A guy going into the girls' dorm, that is.

Lilly's room was fairly bare, some antique furniture present. It wasn't expected of a blind person to decorate a room. They would never see it, and decoration is mainly just for looks. There was a small table in the center of the room, where Hanako and Lilly sat in traditional Japanese fashion. There was also a tea set on that table.

The girls themselves were alluring, something I wanted to smack myself for thinking. I thought both Hanako and Miki were alluring, so dragging Lilly into the mix wouldn't help.

It saddened me to see Lilly in her pajamas, actually. She had a certain natural beauty that she would never be able to see. I was sad, but I also figured it was a good thing, in a sense. In my experiences, whenever a girl in the USA knew she was beautiful, she used it to her advantage. Not a good advantage, either, since it was oftentimes some sort of dark benefit to her. Such as never having to throw away her own trash, do her homework, or just about anything, simply because some airheaded guys floated around her, answering her every whim.

Hanako was dressed quite differently. Lilly's dark blue pajamas showed off her beauty, but Hanako wore a light pink gown that wasn't her size. It was probably so big so she could hide in it or something. I looked at Hanako and she positively identified me, faintly smiling. It made me feel even worse about my moodswing the day before.

Nonetheless, the tea having started. I took a seat and we engaged in some conversation. Hanako was overly nervous, but made tea for Lilly and me. The tea set she used was one that contrasted with Lilly's décor. The tea set was flowery and girly, something I could only chalk up to Hanako. It turned out that I actually like the tea Hanako made. She apparently picked up a different kind of tea, according to Lilly. Lilly also said it was bold on Hanako's part.

The drinking of the tea continued, conversation coming here and there. Once my tea well was dried up, I thanked them for having me and got up to leave. Hanako got up as well, and I joked about her coming with me. That caused Hanako to blush something fierce, stumbling over words. I let her know I was just kidding and we both bid Lilly farewell.

In the hallway, I told Hanako that she didn't to be nervous around me, since we were friends. I also reminded her about our unfinished game of chess, which she remarked that I wouldn't win. I quite heartily agreed, since I was absolutely horrible at chess. She bid me goodnight as she entered her room, which was next to Lilly's. I bid her farewell and headed out of the girls' dorm.

Outside, the darkening sky was just as relaxing as the tea I had with Hanako and Lilly. I would have sat there and stared at the stars, something I would expect Rin to do, but I needed to sleep. The amount of running I did that day wasn't easy on the brain or the muscles, so I was drowsy.

I walked back into the boys' dorm. In the common room were a couple guys. They were watching TV, and as I gave the usual polite nod, one of them called me over. Sluggishly, I walked over to the couch.

"Riese, right?" the boy asked. He had brown hair and a yellow hairband. He looked awfully familiar.

"Yeah, and you are...?" I asked. Is he in my class? I thought.

"Haruhiko Suzumiya," he said. "The guy who ran with you, Ibarazaki, and Miura at track today."

So I did see him somewhere and he is in my class, I thought. He wasn't wearing the hairband at track, however. I knew that.

"Sorry I forgot," I apologized. "So, uh, what did you want?"

"Just felt like getting acquainted," he said. "I mean, you are on the team now, and you are the new track star."

"How am I the new track star?" I asked. There was no way I was a track star.

"You kept up with Emi," he said. "That means you both are track stars."

I shook my head. "I certainly can't run as long as Emi does," I said. "Emi's still the track star, I'm just the runner-up."

Suzumiya seemed unfazed. "For the guys, you're the track star. That's not a bad thing, especially when an American joins the team and ties with the reigning star at his first practice."

I nodded indifferently. "It was nice chatting with you, Suzumiya," I said. "But I'm tired, so I'm going to bed."

"See you in class, then," he said as I walked up the stairs.

"Yeah, see you then."

I continued to my room, noticing a small bag hung on the doorknob. It had my clothes in it, freshly cleaned. I planned on thanking Hisao ASAP, but my first priority was sleep. After brushing my teeth, I fell on the bed and drifted off into a very relaxing sleep.


The next morning, I went through my normal routine. I was absolutely worn out, so I ran at a relaxed pace.

"Why are you running so slow?" Emi asked.

"Because I'm tired and my legs feel like shit," I said. "It's not like we're at practice or anything, am I right?" Emi nodded, defeated. She likely did not take into account the fatigue my leg muscles felt. We finished our laps and the cool off laps at around 7:30.

"Emi," Hisao said as we were about to part ways. He was panting. "Do we have to run on the weekends?"

Emi frowned. "Now you're just being lazy." Hisao frowned. "Fine," Emi concluded. "We don't have to run in the mornings on the weekend."

Hisao seemed like he wanted to celebrate, but couldn't.

Emi turned to me. "Adolf, don't come tomorrow," she said.

"Why?"

"So you can rest a bit before practice. Hideo runs the qualifying sprints every practice, so being slow isn't your best bet." She turned around. "I'll see you guys later!"

She ran off to the nurse's office. I looked at Hisao and saw him smile. Rather than mess with him, I stayed silent. We continued to the dorms in silence, something that persisted even when we were walking to homeroom.

In homeroom, I nodded to Suzumiya and said hello to Miki before sitting down. It seemed like Hisao and I weren't exactly early as of late. Regardless, we took our seats, keeping to ourselves as class started. Suzu was sleeping as usual, something I noticed as the result of wandering eyes.

Mutou was talking biology before lunch. Dominant and recessive genes and such. I wasn't good in biology, but I knew the lesson well enough. He didn't explain it too well, meeting faces of confusion and boredom from most of the class. He defeatedly wrote bookwork on the board.

I noticed Hanako leave prior to the lunch bell. I wondered why she left early, doubting she needed to go to the tea room that early. When the lunch bell did sound, I decided to drop by the tea room just to see what was going on. Hisao asked me if I wanted to eat on the roof again, but I told him I had something to check.

I walked down to the second floor room and entered. I was met by only Lilly, Hanako being nowhere in sight.

"Hello?" Lilly asked, hearing the door open.

"Hi, Lilly," I said. "I was just looking for Hanako."

"Oh," Lilly said. "I'm afraid I haven't met with her since this morning. Why were you searching for her?"

"She left early," I said. "I thought she'd be here."

"So she's still leaving class early..." Lilly's brow lowered.

"She does this often?" I wouldn't have been entirely surprised if Lilly said 'yes.'

Lilly nodded. "However, I was certain that would stop once you two became friends." She sighed. "Everyone has their own pace, I suppose."

Curiosity piqued, I decided to inquire further. "Any idea why she leaves so early?"

"Not really," Lilly said, opening her unseeing eyes. "I personally think it's because she doesn't want to be put in a position where she has to answer someone."

I nodded, again forgetting she couldn't see the nod. "I wonder why that is," I said aloud. Her scars were the most plausible answer.

"I imagine that the first thing most people ask her about is her scars, and what happened. She rarely talks about it with me, but I can tell that she doesn't like to remember whatever happened back then."

"So, being absent from any sort of situation where questions could be asked," I said. "That's her defense?" Lilly nodded. "But what about me? Why would she start talking to me?"

Lilly furrowed her brow. "Let me ask you something."

"Shoot."

"When you first met Hanako, did you pay any mind to her scars?"

I almost shook my head, but I realized that she wouldn't see it. "No, I didn't," I said. "I only glanced at them a couple of times, but that was purely accidental."

Lilly nodded. "That's why, then. She noticed that you weren't going to ask about the scars, so she opened up to you."

I only knew Hanako for nine days. Lilly knew her for much longer, so I could do nothing but trust her judgment. "You seem to be right," I said. "I've only known her for a little over a week, so I wouldn't really know."

Lilly had a small laugh. "I wouldn't worry about that. I'm sure you'll come to know her as well as I do soon enough." She placed her hands in her lap. "I welcome the prospect of her having a new friend, and the two of you have such similar interests..."

I didn't know what all we had in common. I read, sure, but as far as I knew, Hanako didn't play video games or listen to 80s music. I knew she certainly didn't play sports. The amount of things we actually had in common were very little, confined to just reading. I couldn't even say we were both shy anymore. I had broken out of my shell rather quickly at Yamaku.

"Well, the company sure is nice," I said, unsure of what to say regarding mutual interests.

"That's my point. Hanako is still an average person at heart," Lilly continued. "She wants company, just like any normal person."

I sighed. I felt confused, but not so at the same time. Maybe I was overthinking what Lilly said.

"You sound like you're confused," Lilly said. I wondered how she could pick up on that, since all I did was sigh. "We haven't known each other that long, so it's only natural for you to be confused by us, just as we are you."

Confused even more, I sighed. "I guess you're right."

"But that is half the fun of becoming friends, right?"

"Yeah, it sure is," I said. Never was I that confused about people.

"Come to think of it," Lilly said, her hand on her cheek. "There is the fact that we are of opposite sex. Men and women confuse each other quite a bit."

"Maybe that is so," I said. "Maybe even the fact that you're Japanese and I'm American."

Lilly giggled. "Maybe that is so." She paused. "Though, I'm not entirely Japanese."

I pretended like I didn't hear, wanted to continue my search for answers. "Well, I'll be off Lilly." I stepped out of the door.

"If you see Hanako, can you tell her to stop by my room later?" she asked as I stood in the doorway.

"Sure," I said. "Bye Lilly."

"Goodbye, Adolf," she said in English as I walked out. I thought about asking her why she spoke in English, but I passed it off as nothing. Surely students in Japan would know some English phrases. Plus, Mutou said most students should have a grasp on my native language equivalent to a fifth grader.

Come to think of it, I thought. She pronounced the l in Adolf normally. And her name has three l's in it. I paused. I just resorted to stereotyping. I'm so proud, I sarcastically thought.

I passed the thought off, deciding that I should inquire at a later date. I walked to the library, which was my next target, and entered without making much noise. Immediately, I started to stroll back to the back of the library, where Hanako's little corner was. I suspected Yuuko was sleeping or something, so bothering her wasn't on my agenda, hence the immediate stroll back.

Along the way, I grabbed a Harry Potter book. "Prisoner of Azkaban," I think it was. I already read all of the Harry Potter books, several times actually, but it was part of my cover.

Hanako was there, reading. That came as a shock to no one. She was in the teal beanbag, so I casually took a seat in one of the other beanbags.

"Gruß dich, Hanako," I said. Once again, my tendency to use German prevailed over my logical thinking.

"Hello, A-Adolf," she said. "What does t-that mean?"

"It's a way of saying 'hello' in German. Anyway, how's it going?"

"I'm f-fine," she said.

"Gut," I said, once again utilizing German.

I thought something was nicht gut, however. A few moments passed before I looked at her mouth. She was smiling, apparently glad that I dropped by. The smile's deadly effect on me was starting to wane, since that smile actually made me feel good about myself.

"How is the book?" I asked. Whatever book she was reading, I didn't know about it.

"I-it's good... I think," she said. "I've only j-just started it, so I d-don't really know."

"Ah, makes sense," I said. "Let me know how it is. I may look for an English copy if it's good."

"A-alright." She returned to reading the book.

A lot of time remained for lunch, about twenty-five minutes. Even so, I didn't know if that was sufficient time to get into a book. You'd start to enjoy it, but then you'd have to go back to class.

What am I thinking? I thought. Hanako shows up late every so often, it seems.

I decided against abruptly leaving. With my luck, she would get the wrong idea. I also didn't want to just sit there, thinking. I wanted to think, but just sitting there likely would make Hanako uncomfortable. Instead, I used my cover and cracked open the third Harry Potter book. I was disappointed to find the book in Japanese. The title was in English, so I assumed the book itself to be, as well.

"Gott verdammt," I said under my breath. Cursing in German was much more pleasing than doing so in Russian.

"W-what?" Hanako asked. I forgot that there wasn't any background noise in the library.

"Nothing," I said. "This book's just entirely in Japanese."

Hanako merely nodded, forgetting that I wasn't close to being completely literate in Japanese. I tried picking out words I knew, but I already knew how the book went, so I gave up and stared at the book.

My cover was blown, but Hanako didn't seem to mind. In fact, her eyes kept darting to mine when I would glance up. She continuously did that, her face always being shielded by the book whenever our eyes met.

Does she want to talk about something? I thought. I figured that conversation was an impossibility. I also thought about what Lilly said, about how Hanako doesn't like being questioned. Reluctantly, and against all better judgment, I posed a question.

"Hey Hanako," I said after what seemed like five minutes of 'Look and Hide.' "Something on your mind?"

"N-..." she quickly tried saying something. "It's nothing." Her eyes darted downward.

"You do know that saying 'nothing' always means there is something." Girls everywhere seemed to have the habit of saying 'it's nothing' when it obviously wasn't.

Hanako fidgeted in the teal beanbag. Apparently, sitting position is something that affects your ability to answer people. She doesn't like answering, though, I remembered.

"I..." she sighed. "I was in an accident."

Shit, this ain't good. "When you were a kid?" I asked, suspecting she was referring to her scars.

Hanako nodded. Instantly, I felt bad. I never asked about how she got scarred, nor did I plan on it at the moment. Nine days is nowhere near enough time to learn about an event as painful as that.

"Hanako, you don't need to tell m-"

"N-no," she interrupted. "I want... no, I have to tell you."

"What..." I said in English, but she continued.

"When I was young..." she choked up. "I was in a fire. M-my house b-burned down, and I nearly..." She became slightly quieter. "I nearly didn't make it." She straightened herself, trying to regain her posture. "A-after that... I was alone..."

She had started to tear up. If there's one thing I hate seeing, it's a girl like Hanako cry. My inner white knight screamed at me.

"Hanako," I said, grasping her trembling hand. "If it's that painful, stop."

She looked at me, tears welling up. "B-but... I have to..."

"No, you don't." She didn't need to subject herself to that.

"But... I do..."

"Why?"

"L-last night," she murmured. "Lilly t-told me about your heart... and your a-accident..." She paused. "A-and I... I didn't think it was f-fair."

"What did you think wasn't fair?"

"T-that I knew about you b-but you didn't know about me..."

I grasped her hand more firmly. For some reason, I was being brought back memories of my sister, and the last thing I wanted was to have a mental breakdown.

"That's ridiculous," I said. "I have arrhythmia, yes. But there's so much more..." I trailed off, the last sentence merely an afterthought. It was true. The arrhythmia seemed like the biggest issue, but it wasn't. If anything, my mental condition was slowly getting worse.

"W-what do you mean?" Hanako asked.

"No-nothing," I said, barely thinking. I don't want to get her worked up about my guilt, either.

She seemed unconvinced as she wiped away a stray tear, sniffling a bit. I only told Lilly about the accident and the hospital stay, as well as the arrhythmia. I never mentioned any more health conditions. I didn't even mention the death of my sister, nor did I mention how the accident happened.

Stop reminding yourself, I thought as my eyes started to tear up. I pushed all of those thoughts aside as best I could.

"So," I said, resisting the urge to wipe my eyes. "We know some more about each other, then." I held her hand even tighter. "Listen. If it's too hard to, you don't need to talk about this."

For some reason, my mind wandered to the thoughts of a burn ward. The stench was horrible, but the patients felt even worse. I had to visit the burn wards in both Pittsburgh and Uniontown as a kid. Several times, actually. The first few times were because of my father...

I pushed those thoughts away as well. Thirteen year-old memories were still unpleasant. I felt a hot tear roll down my face.

How is it that I'm getting emotional now? I furiously thought.

We stood there, in the library, holding hands for a few quiet moments.

"T-thank you, Adolf," Hanako said, breaking the silence, which wasn't akin to her.

"For what?" I asked, the tear rolling down my cheek ever-so-slowly.

"I... I haven't told many people about this."

"Neither have I," I said, referencing my issue. The truth was, Hanako told me much more than I told her. She didn't know my back was scarred, she didn't know I almost died, she didn't know damn near anything about my predicament. Yet, she confided in me.

"T-then I won't tell a-anyone either," she said, regarding my comment.

I nodded, speeding up the tear's descent. "Ditto," I said. In truth, who would she have told? What would she have said? All she knew was I was in a car accident and have a minor arrhythmia. That wasn't anything big.

It would be if she knew everything, I thought.

We stood for several minutes in silence, hands still interlocked. The bell rang and I suggested that we went back to class. Hanako nodded and we headed back.

The walk was in silence, but I felt that Hanako was relieved. I made sure that we weren't holding hands as we walked through the halls. I sure as hell didn't want anyone getting the wrong idea, given the emotional state I was in.

In class, I was extremely quiet. It wasn't like anyone would have noticed something was wrong due to that, since I wasn't loud. If Misha was quiet, however, there would be a problem.

"Dude, what's up?" Hisao asked, concerned.

"What do you mean?" I asked back.

"You look like something's wrong," he said.

I must have been rather sullen. It's strange, how one little conversation can cause a complete change in personality. Couple that with several mental disorders and you got a goddamn package, I darkly thought.

"Nothing's wrong," I said, obviously lying through my teeth. Hisao shook his head and returned to his work.

I was in an emotional whirlpool. The talk with Hanako made me feel bad for her, but also mad at her. I was reminded of everything I worked so hard to put behind me. The emotional toll was immense, but I had immediately started work on pushing the feelings back deep down. I doubted the dam would hold as long as its predecessor, but it would have to do.

The rest of the day passed with nothing of importance, other than my swirling emotions. At the end of class, Hisao cornered me as I walked out into the hall.

"Alright, man, what's wrong?" he asked.

"I told you, Hisao, nothing's wrong." I felt my temper rising. He was pushing my patience.

No, not this bullshit! a part of me shouted.

"I doubt that, man," he said. "Seriously, you can tell me."

"No, Hisao, I can't," I said through clenched teeth.

"Why not?"

"Because," I said. "It's personal."

To my relief, he backed off. It was also good for him, too. I deduced that I was close to having a bipolar episode. I hate being bipolar, since it can destroy friendships and relationships in general if not kept under control.

"Alright, man." He started walking away, then turned around. "We should hang out some time. You seem stressed."

I nodded, wanting him to just leave. "Yeah, we should."

He continued walking and I sighed. He was right. I needed to relax. Tea with Lilly and Hanako wouldn't do. Video games would only temporarily work. Venting worked well, but I didn't want to burden anyone.

I thought of relaxing places I used to go when I needed to unwind back home. An idea came forth and I set off for the dorms.

In the dorms, I dropped my bag and uniform off, instead putting on shorts and a t-shirt. I walked out of the dorms, evading any and all traffic. When I was outside, I beelined for the gates. Once outside of the gates, I started to walk to the town.

However, as I started my descent, I made a right and headed into the woods. I ventured deeper into the forest, trying to get further away from the road. I walked a good two hundred yards into the tree-covered area. I came across a downed log; whether it was a limb or a tree trunk wasn't discernible. I sat on it and started to muse to myself.

"Why am I remembering now?" I complained to no one. I was speaking in English.

"Why is it that talking to Hanako is making me remember this bullshit? Why? I don't understand..." I started to mumble to myself.

I rose and started to pace around. "It's absolute crap. She was confiding in me, so why am I remembering?" I neared a tree. My hands were clenched into fists. "Why am I being harassed by these horrible memories?" I got closer to the tree. My fingernails dug deep into my palms.

The dam I rebuilt earlier that day to hold my emotions back burst once more. "IT'S UN-FUCKING-FAIR!" I shouted as I punched the tree with all my might.

Pain shot through my fist, bark slicing my skin. I was furious and unable to react to the pain. I looked down at my hand, blood running down it. I didn't break any fingers, but the pain hinted that I was close.

"Son of a bitch!" I wiped my hand off on my shorts and wrapped it with my shirt. I applied a good deal of pressure to it.

I sat on the fallen log once more, cradling my bleeding hand. I felt the pain, but the pain didn't bother me. It was the blood. The worst thing I could have done was subject myself to the sight of blood once more. Not virtual blood, but real blood.

Memories of the accident rushed back once again and I tried to fight the wave of horror. I was barely successful in keeping the floodgates closed.

I sat in silence. I was trying to not think of anything. Instead, I was rebuilding the mental dam that housed my reservoir of emotions.

After a few hours, I felt like I had calmed down enough. The mental dam was complete, hopefully stronger than before.

I walked out of the woods, my t-shirt bloody. My hands had dried blood on them and so did my shorts. I swore, but I kept walking. If anyone asked, I got caught cut up by a thorn bush. If anyone asked why my eyes were sullen, I was tired.

I walked back to the school, since I wasn't too far away anyhow. I entered the gates and quickly walked to the dorms, not wanting to draw any attention. I slipped into the dorms and headed to my room. I took off the bloody clothes and put on makeshift pajamas.

I went to the bathroom and cleaned up my wound before walking back to my room. I rummaged for something to eat, eventually settling on some more cereal and sandwiches. I thought about what to do as I ate, before glancing at my laptop.

My uncle did want an e-mail, I thought.

Reluctantly, I got up after finishing the cereal and turned on the laptop. After the boot-up process, I connected to the Wi-Fi and opened the internet browser. I logged into my e-mail and started to compose a new message as I ate my sandwich.

"Dear Uncle..."


AN: This is part of a double-upload! Ja! The emotional part wasn't my best, I'm aware of that. This is going to be a short AN, so the next chapter's will be longer. As usual, reviews are appreciated!