Author's notes!

Chapter nine! Thanks for reading and HUGE THANKS FOR ALL THE REVIEWS!!!! It was amazing to hear so much positive feedback! I can't believe the number of people who are reading this!!!! It floors me every time I look. Wow. I'm so happy!!!

I'm sorry for the delay T-T It's been one hell of a week...There is a lot of money stress going on with me. I have a trip I need to make to see my family (yay! -sarcasm-) but I don't even know if I can afford my rent the way my job keeps cutting my hours down to nothing and I can't get a better one because I'm underage.

The good new is I'm turning 18 on the 31st! Happy birthday me.

Sadly, as one of my friends pointed out, I'm no longer legal to date middle-school boys no matter how cute they are. I officially become a pedo for certain character obsessions i have. Bwahaha.

Anyway, here goes This chapter is quite introspective.

Warnings: Depression, swearing, Holiday cheer.

Chapter 9 – Ordinary World

I wake from a dream rather suddenly. My heart races as I open my eyes to find myself somewhere I can't recognize for a moment. This is not my bed, and Wrath is nowhere to be found. I slowly turn my head, drinking in the bedroom I'm in. A photograph is on the wall, reflecting what I'm guessing is probably the afternoon sun. I lean up a little and inspect it, still not quite sure where I am in my first-waking gaze. A blanket I wasn't aware of slips off my shoulder, exposing them bare and cold. I'm wearing a tank-top...it's mine, that's a relief. Still, I don't remember for a minute how I got here. I look at the photograph again, and the glare is gone as I tilt my head. Ah. I recognize those people. Suddenly it floods back to me. The photograph is a sweet sentimental one of the Elric brothers, Edward and Alphonse with their mother and father. This is Al's room. Edward doesn't keep photos of his father around. I remember now that I came home last night, was up late unable to sleep, so I asked to be allowed to sleep in. I remember that I've been staying at the Elric's place because my place got pretty well destroyed and it's hard for either me or Wrath to think about living there again. Or rather for me to think of leaving Wrath alone in some place that was obviously easy to break into. I remember that Wrath and I are sharing Al's old room while he sleeps with his brother upstairs in the room they apparently used to always share. I remember that until yesterday Greed and Martel were staying with us too. They were sleeping in the living room. But they left for Texas again. I remember Greed telling me that he would be back soon.

Apparently he got a D.J. Gig here...not only that...it's at our school for the new year's dance. Okay...so that's settled. I remember, also, that I have pretty much gone through this same thought process every time I have woken in this house. I sigh and get to my feet slowly. One glance at the clock on the dresser tells me it's two in the afternoon. I stumble across the hall and into the bathroom, vaguely aware of the laughter coming from the living room. I am aware of an all-too-familiar sensation somewhere in the back of my brain and the pit of my chest, but I can't place it. I catch myself in the mirror and automatically criticize. My hair is an absolute disaster...frizzy and flying everywhere. I have an awful cowlick and...my god, my roots are growing out. I need to dye my hair again. My eyebrows are sticking up everywhere, too, from sleeping with my face in the pillow (I always do that when I sleep past noon, because the light is too bright.) My eyes have dark circles under them, and my skin is oily, I can tell because my nose is shiny. There are a few red scrapes on my skin still from the amazing amount of violence I recently experienced with the return of Shou Tucker and the incident with the pills before that. There is a particularly nasty bruise that is slowly healing on the side of my jaw. I really am an awful mess. It's amazing how one can find so many thing's wrong with one's own face? All these things pass through my mind in a few short seconds. Still, for some strange reason I continue, stepping back and pulling off my shirt to shower. Now I can see my upper body in the mirror. My neck is thin and ropey. I twist my head to the side and frown. I'm starting to gain a little weight from eating so damn much all the time. I can't count my ribs anymore, or at least that's what my mind is telling itself.

It's really funny, I can feel myself being illogical. I haven't actually gained a single pound since Izumi made me start sticking to a diet. By all technicality my more active lifestyle has made me leaner and stronger without gaining any actual fat. Still, I can just see myself turning into a flabby, halfway-inflated balloon even if there is no evidence. I shake my head to clear my thoughts. I still can't place the feeling in my chest...like the whole world is in my face about everything, bugging and irritating me while simultaneously stifling me. I turn on the water to try and drown out the sensation, but it doesn't go away even as I shower.

After battling his mess of hair with a comb and blow dryer, Envy stepped out of the bathroom, wrapped in a mint green towel. He moved to walk to the bedroom but the sound of voices caught him again. This time they were singing, a little out of tune but signing. He leaned around the corner of the hallway slowly. Before him a beautiful scene was presented. Wrath sat on the floor, a strand of garland draped over his head and an armful of ornaments in his small hands. Edward sat on the couch wearing a festive sweater and sorting out branches of a fake Christmas tree. Alphonse meanwhile was assembling the stem of the false plant and grinning broadly. He had donned a santa-clause hat. All around the living room floor were cardboard boxes. Some looked quite well-used and all had the words "X-mas Decorations" written across them in black permanent marker. Several were open and had been dug through, probably by the ever-nosy Wrath. All three boys were singing carols quietly. Ed was the only one remotely on-key. The space-heater had been turned on, making the house quite cozy.

The scene could have warmed the coldest of hearts, but something was wrong. Envy turned away, heading back down the hall and shutting the door to their room softly. He sat down in the unmade bed and dropped his head into his palms. "What the hell is wrong with me..." He whispered to no one. "I don't belong here..." He told himself. Something inside him told him that he would only corrupt such a wonderful thing if he entered the scene. Without really intending to, Envy got to his feet again and dressed. He pulled on warm clothes, a green fuzzy shirt and a black hooded jacket over it. He shoved feet into knee-high green and black socks and then skin-close black jeans. The socks kept his legs warmer than just jeans. Over that he slipped into a pair of black boots and tied a long black scarf around his thin neck. Finally he tugged a black skull-cap over his hair, which wasn't behaving much better than it had when he first woke. As quietly as he could he opened the door once more and crept soundlessly down the hallway. He gave one last peek to the living room. Ed was arguing good naturedly with his brother about which parts of the tree went where while Wrath laughed hysterically at both of them. There was a quick rush of wintry air as Envy stepped out the front door and let it close behind him with a soft click. He set off down the street.

--

Envy's thin hands found their way into his pockets as he walked. The air was frigid. Snow still gathered in the corners of the sidewalks and he was certain from the sky it would probably snow again. He almost hadn't dressed warmly enough, and it occurred to him that he probably would start to get very cold after a while. Something brushed his numbing fingertips in his pocket and he pause. He closed his hand around it and pulled the mystery object out to find two twenty-dollar bills crumpled in his palm.

"Oh...I thought I lost those..." He muttered to himself. Several months ago he had lost forty dollars and had actually been quite upset about it at the time. He had completely forgotten about it after tearing the house apart looking. After several minutes of contemplating, Envy decided to go shopping for Christmas presents. He had hoped to get one for Wrath at least but found himself broke until the first of next year when the social security check would be forwarded to the account Izumi was letting him and wrath use. Forty bucks would be enough for him to get the Elric brothers a gift too. The idea lifted his spirits a fraction. Downtown it was. With that he shoved the money roughly back into the jacket pocket and set off.

--

"Let's see...She might like these ones. I can't decide...Um, ma'am? What color goes best for someone with a fair complexion and brown hair?" A young blond asked franticly of the squat store owner, who just chuckled at her. Winrey held two ladies' jackets in her hands, one was violet and the other was white with gray fur on the hood.

"Well, White is rarely good for fair, and jewel tones are best for brunettes, so the purple." She replied. "Shopping for your sister?" She asked. Winrey blushed.

"No ma'am...It's for my...em..." He hesitated. She was saved though, by the jingle of the store bell. The first shop in the downtown district was actually rather slow for a day this close to Christmas. Madame Maybelle's Gifts and Ect. Was one of the many little shops in the district that made a fairly descent amount on residents of the large city who wanted to get away to the small-town feel of historic downtown. Winrey smiled as the store owner moved around the corner to greet another customer, but her expression fell immediately when she herself spotted just who had entered the store. Greenish-black hair was pressed down under a beanie cap. Amethyst eyes took one long look around.

"I don't think this is what I'm looking for, sorry...Merry Christmas..." Envy said, looking a little confused "Definitely not going to find something the guys want here..."

"Envy!" His name was called out, causing the boy to spin on heel and nearly lose his balance. His gaze met Winrey's as she came around the end cap of the main isle. Several emotions crossed Envy's features. Recognition, familiarity, disgust, fear and finally apathy.

"I don't have anything to say to you right now, Rockbell, please leave me alone." He said. There was an ounce of pain tracing his tone, like his words had a double-edge. He almost sounded on the verge of tears but his eyes remained emotionless. He turned his back on the girl again.

"Wait, Envy!" The tingling of the bell signaled his return to the cold outdoors.

"Ma'am, your purchases?" The owner said softly.

"Can you hold them for like...five minutes? I...I need to..."

"I understand." The woman said, putting both jackets behind the counter as the blond raced out the door.

"Envy? Envy wait...I need to tell you something, please!" Winrey ran after him, fur-lined boots crunching against the ice and leftover snow that glazed the pavement. Envy's back was still several paces ahead of her, but she couldn't move much faster or risk slipping on the slushy concrete. He said nothing, not turning in her direction.

"Envy! Please...I'm sorry! I want to apologize about everything, Please hear me out...I had reasons, stupid ones but I had reasons...please forgive me...be my friend again!" She called out, trying to catch up without killing herself in the process. Envy seemed to have a little more stability as he walked at a brisk pace. He turned and crossed the street, not looking at all for cars. Winrey immediately followed, scrambling as a mini-van almost collided with her. She uttered a hasty apology and chased after her former-friend once more. Envy glanced back as he heard tires screech but resumed his pained ignorance as soon as he could tell the girl hadn't actually been hit.

"Envy!" Winrey called after him as he walked up a steeply sloping street. She was catching up to him now, but the ice was more precarious on the less-trafficked streets. She lost her footing and slipped, landing flat on her stomach with a small whine. "Envy...stop! i...I quit the newspaper and I need to tell you something...It's about...it's..." She rambled, still facing the pavement. Envy paused again, looking back one last time before taking off at a run. Winrey watched him go and tears formed in her large eyes. "I'm sorry...i'm so sorry..." She repeated to herself.

--

"Damn her...why the hell does she think she has the right to apologize. She's nothing to me and I'm nothing to her, that's the way it's always been. Since we basically broke up. Dammit..." Envy kept running, not sure of his destination. Still, the running was warming him up, even though he still felt frozen and miserable inside. He clenched his fists, pressing his eyes shut as a headache was beginning to form. He was just contemplating slowing down and resting a moment when he collided with something very solid. Oddly enough though, his front hit the object, but he didn't fall flat on his ass like he was expecting. Arms had embraced his shoulders just long enough to steady him and then let him go. Violet eyes snapped open to figure out who he had just nearly tackled.

"Woah, Envy...you shouldn't run with your eyes closed man..." A slightly familiar voice said. Envy drank in the image of the young man before him momentarily. Sleek black hair, almond eyes, round face without looking totally Japanese...It was that half-asian that hung around Ed-o. Roy Mustang...Riza's friend.

"Why is it everyone I know shows up when I'm having a bad day?" Envy said aloud in exasperated tone. Roy chuckled.

"Come on...I've been shopping for two hours with no success, let's get some coffee or something hot." He said, forcing Envy into a small cafe across the street. In his daze, Envy complied. He even ordered himself a hot rasberry tea-drink. He stared out the window until their drinks arrived. Actually quite thankful for the warmth, Envy took a great gulp from his before settling into sipping the drink.

"So what brings the anti-social spaz out on such a freezing day?" Roy inquired.

"How is it you manage to place an insult into everything you say to absolutely everyone?" Envy asked sharply. His enthusiasm for the sting, however, was somewhat lacking. God, it was even hard to treat people the way he normally did.

"It's a skill. Plus, not everyone. I don't insult Riza." He said, laughing a little. Envy gave him a questioning look. "I would rather not find myself impaled by several arrows in succession." Envy's lips twitched, a mock-gesture that signaled that he normally would have found that image quite funny. He hadn't spent much time with Roy or Riza, but they had somehow been associated in his little circle with Edward and Alphonse. In classes they would try and partner up, or in study hall or library they would sit together instead of trying to find an empty table (which was nearly impossible due to the incredible student population). Still, they knew little about one another other than the short discussions they shared at lunch which rarely involved Envy. In fact...lunch had been kind of interesting lately, consisting of Roy and Edward challenging each other's masculinity constantly with eating and staring contests, and seeing who could hold a salted piece of ice in the palm of their hand longer, ect. ect. While Envy and Alphonse had short conversations and Riza watched everyone through those almost-red eyes full of silent amusement.

"You didn't answer my question?" Roy said after a long silence.

"Why don't you and Ed get along? I mean...the prosthetics thing but...that doesn't seem like that much of a big deal to me..." Envy asked, curiosity and need to get Winrey's apology off his mind overtaking his voice.

"Not a big deal? Like how...How does he act about it?" Roy asked finally.

"Hmm? I...don't know. I mean, when we are at home, he doesn't make an effort to cover his prosthetics, and when he gets out of the shower sometimes he leaves his arm off for a little while because he doesn't like putting the straps on while his hair is still making his skin wet." Envy explained. "Don't tell him that I'm talking about him..." he said suddenly.

"Don't worry...I wont screw anything up for you two. But I'm curious, how did you manage to get him to that point?" Roy asked, his curiosity peaking his normally cool voice. Envy blushed a little unintentionally. "Hmm? Woah...you two aren't...but I thought those were just rumors?" Roy asked suddenly.

"No! It's nothing like that!" Envy denied. It was true there had been rumors though. In fact, there were a lot of rumors now. Envy ignored them as always, but it panged him a little that they now always involved the Elrics, his own brother and sometimes Roy and Riza.

"So...wait...your not gay?"

"Yes, I mean...no...I...ergh. Let's be blunt, okay? I'm a lot fucking better at that." Envy regained a little of his usual confidence. "I'm gay. Ed's my friend. So is Al. I'm not screwing them or my brother. I am attracted to Ed, if nothing else in a physical way because he really is a good-looking guy with a good personality. I'm not friends with Winrey and I almost got myself and everyone else killed by a psycho from my past." He said, trying to cover all the more common rumors in one statement. There were more, but they weren't worth exploring.

"Wow." Roy said simply. He chuckled to himself after a short silence. "So anyway...at our old school...Edward..He and I were really good friends after some unusual events at the start of freshman year...We both knew some stuff about each other not many other people knew. His big secret was his prosthetics and well...He was very sensitive about it. The only reason he let me even glimpse his hands or feet was because he had a secret of mine too. Still, he was completely scared to let anyone see or know. To the point of which he dropped P.E. entirely when they said he couldn't wear gloves. It was a huge secret. He would get really, really pissy if I even mentioned it or alluded to it in a good natured way. He wouldn't let me lean on that shoulder, he wouldn't wear his house clothes when I would come over...like having a false arm and leg was some utterly disgusting thing." Roy's tone changed, considerably more sober sounding he continued. "It's not like it bugs me any. I'm pretty fucked up in my own way but he...he would never trust me with it."

"Sorry..." Envy said slowly. He wasn't positive what someone should say at a time like this.

"But around you...he's different? Without reservation?"

"Well, yeah, I guess. We have been through some stuff though...I mean circumstances pushed it there...when he was too tired to cover up, or it just wasn't practical, but then, in the evenings when he wants to be comfortable, he acts like it's not a big deal. Not at first though. At first he always asked permission...'will it bother you if I do this?' 'would it be okay if I don't put my arm on just yet?'" Envy said, chuckling a little into his half-empty cup. He finished the rest of it.

"Another tea please!" Roy called out.

"I can't pay for another one, I have to get gifts with what money I have..." Envy tried to interrupt. Roy waved his hand to dismiss the statement.

"But what I want to know is what...broke the barrier? How can you do what I tried to. I was trying to help him out...be that friend...I just ended up ostracizing him."

"Maybe Ed-o has grown up...you should give him more time. He doesn't really hate you, anyway." Envy said casually, sipping the second tea. He cringed as it burned his tongue.

"It's hot, idiot."

"No, you are." Envy shot back playfully, not sure what that kind of joking would get out of his new acquaintance, but generally he didn't care.

"You know it. Hot like Fire. Anyway, what are you doing out here by yourself? Just needed to break away from the others so you could shop or what?" Roy asked. Envy's relief at his good nature was broken by the wash of memory that came back to him. Why he had left...he didn't belong there...could he even tell this almost-stranger that? Maybe if he was talking to Riza and not Roy...but still. It didn't really matter in the long run. Nothing really did.

"They were putting up decorations." Was Envy's final answer.

"So? You don't like decorating?"

"It's not that...they just looked so..." Envy moved his hands, trying to form the image in his mind. "Perfect."

"Perfect? That's bad? Perfect moment's don't happen very often."

"Perfect, but not with me there. I don't belong...Their all so..." Envy searched for the word. "Shiny...bright. Happy...Wrath can be happy when he's having fun. He has the purest joy. And Al is just plain good. He's an honestly good person. And Ed-o...he's a little confused most of the time but he belongs too, laughing away and I..." Envy trailed off as the words got caught in his throat.

"You what?" Roy egged him, a little frustration tinging his voice. Envy looked up at him suddenly. Why did that make Roy mad?

"I...I'm so dark, like a black spot on that pretty Christmas scene." Roy stood, startling Envy. He grabbed the boy roughly by the left arm and pulled him from the cafe, dropping several bills onto the counter before he pulled Envy into the cold outside once more.

"Don't botch this you idiot! I had his friendship and I squandered it. Your going to fuck up your happiness for no good reason." Roy snapped, finally letting go of Envy's arm and turning to face him. The were now standing in the middle of a park. White flakes drifted slowly down from the sky.

"But..."

"Don't argue. Snap out of it Envy! Fuck! You wont even let yourself be happy when happiness is handed to you. You have a family you never had! Be grateful! But don't feel like you don't deserve it. Your just depressed...You need to get over it." He said. Something about his tone was very directive. Envy looked at the ground, which was quickly turning white. Something clicked...it was depression...it wasn't them or anybody...it was his depression! He was just suffering from a low...it would pass, even if it felt like the world was going to end right now...eventually the sensation would pass...in fact it was already starting to. Envy no longer felt like sitting somewhere cold and staring at a wall for the rest of his life.

"I.." Envy said, unable to explain the feeling he had. Roy just turned away from him and started walking. A couple paces away he cocked his head back.

"Are you coming or what? Help me pick out what to get for Riza, then we can look for something for your brother and the Elric boys." He demanded.

"Why should I help you pick something for Riza?" Envy retorted after a few minutes of silent walking.

"Because... I don't know what girls like, I'm a guy!" Roy replied.

"And I'm not?!"

"Not really."

"I know why Ed-o hates you."

"Don't we all?"

--

The sun was starting to set by the time Roy and Envy walked to the edge of the downtown district. Envy had three bags looped over his arms. One was for Wrath, a game for the game-boy that he so treasured and a dvd of Wrath's current anime obsession. The electronics store had been having a sale, which allowed Envy to buy more than just the game which to itself was normally thirty dollars. For Edward, Envy had found a strange sort of hair clip that made it much easier to keep your hair separated while braiding it an a very nice new pair of black leather gloves. For Alphonse he had found a book called "100 vegetarian recipes for the picky eater". Envy knew immediately that was a great present for him, since Al was always trying to make food that Ed would actually eat but wouldn't go against his own vegetarian principles. Also he had found the younger brother a small stuffed kitty that was curled as though sleeping. If batteries were inserted, the kitty's chest would rise and fall. Envy had admitted it really looked like a real cat.

After visiting half the shops in the downtown area, Envy had split off from Roy finally to try and cover more ground looking for a gift for Riza. Roy had returned to Envy defeated, but the long-haired teen had made a perfect selection, which he promptly showed Roy. A spun-glass figurine sat in the window of a sword-shop. It stood eight inches and was the image of a woman in a long dress. In her hands was a drawn bow with an arrow cocked. She had wings and a halo over he head. "Warrior Angel Glass Figure – Import – 60$" The sign in the window read. The two had an exasperated argument, Roy insisting that it was way too much and that Riza was just a friend of his, and Envy insisting that it was well worth it because it would mean a lot to her. Finally Roy gave in after Envy offered to cover the tax with what little money he had left. Roy promised to let Envy have his name on the card, but Envy refused.

Now as he walked slowly home he laughed to himself. Riza would be so incredibly excited, even though she wouldn't show it. He would probably hear about it after the next gym period where Archery club and his P.E. Overlapped.

Envy sighed slowly, feeling much lighter than he had this morning. He still wasn't really happy, but at least he wasn't so down now. The miserable feeling of the snow soaking through his jeans and socks was beginning to darken his mood though as he made his way to the Elric's place. To take his mind off it, he looked at the small bag Roy had given him.

"Give this to Edward for me. Tell him it's from me and make sure he reads the card. I appreciate it. Feel better okay, man? Tomorrow's Christmas Eve."

That's what Roy had said. Envy almost pulled the tissue away from the item in the bag to see what it was but he minded himself. 'Ed will open it when I get home.' he told himself.

--

Envy crunched up the yard, unable to feel his feet now. The front door opened...'Had they seen me coming

"Wrath, it's okay, stay here with Al in case he comes back, okay? I'm going to look for him...I'll call from a pay phone exactly every half hour until I find hi-" Edward stopped mid sentence as he had turned from the door. Envy was standing in the yard with bags in his arms. His pants were soaked the the knee but he was otherwise unharmed. They stared at each other for a moment before Edward turned his head into the house.

"It's okay guys! He's here!!" He called out, excited and relieved. With that the blond ran out into the yard and helped Envy take the bags inside. When he crossed the threshold both he found both Wrath and Alphonse wrapped around him tightly while Ed took the rest of the bags from his hand and placed them on the living room floor.

"We didn't know where you went...we tried really hard not to worry but we were about to go looking...and if you didn't come back we were going to call the police..." Al explained. Wrath just had his face buried in Envy's sweater.

"I was...you guys missed me? I was out shopping I didn't think..."

"Didn't think we would notice? We were missing you since about two thirty this afternoon!" Wrath told him. Tears were tinging the little boy's eyes. Normally Wrath would have been very patient, especially with the Elrics here. He normally wouldn't notice Envy had left or could have shrugged it off. Ever since the incident Wrath had been very easy to upset though, as if in just a moment loss was hiding around the next bend.

The living room looked amazing. Ed settled into the couch. The heater was glowing in the corner, the tree lit up and decorated. There was garland over the doorways and pictures on the walls. A Christmas rug was spread across the floor and a green and red blanket over the couch. Alphonse sat down, pulling Envy onto the couch along with him. Wrath crawled into his brother's lap and suddenly Envy felt...complete.

--

Later on that evening, when dinner had been eaten and Christmas music was playing softly in the corner, Envy remembered something. He reached under the tree where his bags had been stuck and pulled out a small paper bag. He handed it to Ed.

"I ran into Roy Mustang shopping today...he wanted me to give you that. He said to make sure to read the card." He explained. Ed's expression hardened and Al looked at him curiously. He opened the bag and pulled the tissue paper out. He reached in and pulled out something small...Envy and Al leaned in to see...it was a small wooden match. Ed dropped it back into the bag and read the card.

"Roy..." He muttered. "I'm going to bed...goodnight guys." He said, smiling falsely and turning in. Al picked up the card.

"If we could start again... -- Roy" was all it said.

--

Post-Notes!

Hope you enjoyed yet another chapter of Hollywood Died! This one was fun to me...very introspective, very interesting. Envy was illogically depressed because of his condition, he wasn't just being emo ;P

I don't have a whole lot to say XD

Don't own FMA. Don't own Duran Duran (but they own me...big time. I LOOOOOVE Duran Duran. Quit looking at me like I'm a freak. QUIT!!!)

My foot hurts. I crashed my bike today and hurt it. Owie.

NEXT CHAPTER!!!

Chapter 9.5 - If everyone cared:

Christmas, a time for giving and sharing, a time for family and love. Even in the core of dysfunctionality, a family can be found to share the heart with...Warm holiday feelings.