Ch.12

Hey, I'm sorry I haven't updated in three days or something. I've been busy. My friend Natalie (a.k.a. the one who thinks Chris is creepy) came over yesterday, and I had to go to my cousin's b-day party the day before that. It was a pool party, and we played butterfly. What is butterfly, you ask? The girls were the "butterflies", and the guys had to knock them off of the many floats in the pool. And the girls tried to get the guys off the floats. And there were three girls and like ten guys so girls lost. I scratched a couple of the guys really badly, and my brother stared calling people idiots because someone (not me, I swear) scratched him. Then we tried to get everybody on one float to take a picture, and that took over a half an hour. Twas a fun party.

Disclaimer: holds up card and recites dutifully I do not own Eragon. It all belongs to Christopher Paolini. I also do not own Lord of the Rings, which belongs to the world's greatest literary genius J.R.R. Tolkien.

P.S. Brom won. I know he's dead and not evil and it sucks to make fun of dead people, but that's what my readers want. I think I can make this pretty funny.

1. He's really fricking old. So old in fact, you really wouldn't believe it.

2. He hero-worshipped a drunken sword-chucker.

3. He knocked on doors before entering or leaving a room.

4. He was from a whole down of real live door-knocker-on-ers.

5. He has serious anger issues.

6. He got kicked in the head by the seriously lame Ra'zac.

7. He had to follow around a hormonal teenager and his hormonal dragon so that he could train them.

8. He could've had any career he wanted in Carvahall, and he chose to be as storyteller.

9. Our favorite hormonal teenage dragon-rider liked the traveling storytellers' stories better.

10. He's a rip-off of Gandalf who is a rip-off of Merlin who is a rip-off of some Celtic God.

11. Therefore, he's a rip-off three times over.

12. His name is a direct rip-off from a Celtic god.

13. He wouldn't trust Eragon with his secret past even though Eragon followed him around the empire, had no idea his father was Morzan, and was the last chance for the Varden. Well, second to last. If he fails, the green egg's gonna hatch for Roran, Nasuada, or possibly Arya. Then they'll be the last chance.

14. His fate was a joke among fortunetellers. So:

15. He killed a woman by loving her.

16. He lost his dragon because he was her rider.

17. He couldn't finish training Eragon, who had to go to the lame and cool elves.

18. He's a bloody hypocrite. He asked lots of questions in training, and he yelled at Eragon for doing the same thing.

19. He didn't teach Eragon enough to keep the elves and dwarves from laughing at his ignorance.

20. He founded the Varden and quit being a member just so he could get revenge on his former hero. (Once again, why was Morzan your hero?)

21. My nickname for him is old Brommy.

22. He pulled Jeod into something that was destined to cause him marital strife, bad luck, and bankruptcy.

23. Aren't we all glad Brom isn't our friend? I sure am.

24. He pretended he was dead for God-know-how-many-years so that he could be a storyteller. (And avoid getting killed, but I think he was more into the storyteller thing.)

25. It took him forever to figure out that Morzan was evil.

26. He didn't warn Eragon about the Ra'zac in time. This is how it should've played out.

Brom: Eragon, I know you're a rider.

Eragon: Really? How?

Brom: You made up an obviously fake trader; you've been asking more questions than usual, and that's saying something; and you've got a silver thingie on your palm. Which, by the way, is called the gedwey ignasia. Those two lame guys in the hoods are called the Ra'zac. Let's go before they wreck utter havoc on Carvahall and possibly kill you and your dragon. Incidentally, I know what that's like because I lost my dragon. It's really quite painful. So painful, in fact, you really wouldn't believe it. Yep, I was a rider. Anyway, let's go.

Eragon: Is it as painful as this? rolls down a random hill covered in glass, rocks, and other sharp objects

Brom: I said, "Let's go." And never do that again. It's just stupid.

Here's how it did.

Brom: Eragon, I've known you're a rider for fricking forever. I just never got around to telling you. That's probably because I'm really fricking old. So old in fact you really wouldn't believe it.

Eragon: You're old? I never knew.

Brom: Anyway, I also forgot to tell you that those two lame, fat guys in cloaks are…

Eragon: So they are guys. I wasn't sure.

Brom: I'm actually not sure if they're guys either. I can't think of a girl who would be willing to check.

Eragon: Let's send Katrina.

Brom: If we get the time, we will. That girl needs a bloody purpose in this story. Anyway, the lame strangers are after you and your dragon.

Eragon: How do you know about Saphira?

Brom: You named her Saphira? starts bawling his eyes out

Eragon: What's the big deal? It's just name.

Brom: Just a name? Just a name? I'll show you just a name. Well actually it is just a name. And it definitely wasn't the name of my dead dragon. And I was definitely never a rider.

Eragon: Weird, you look old enough to have been one.

Brom: You just said I didn't look old.

Eragon: I just didn't want to hurt your feelings.

Brom: Am I really stuck with you for the rest of this five-hundred some page book.

Heavens: You'll be relieved once your dead.

Eragon: be oblivious to the heavens

Brom: Well, death will have some benefits.

Eragon: skip along merrily

Brom: trudge along, resigned to his horrible fate which will be over when he dies

28. If he had warned everybody, Eldest would've been shorter because the entire village would've been alerted of the danger and able to leave. Or they would've just called them crazy. I'll admit it was a difficult situation.

29. He told the forbidden story in a really boring, sandpapery voice. Use some drama, Brommy.

30. He's a generic, copy-written mentor.

31. This makes him as lame as a mentor as lame, old Galby is as a villain.

32. He's so obsessed with Morzan that he went to watch his son in Carvahall.

33. He went so crazy after his dragon died and he lost his sword that Oromis had to knock him out.

34. He got killed by the seriously lame Ra'zac. Because I took longer than usual to update, here's a skit to make it up to all of you.

Ra'zac 1: Let's kill the guy who is really fricking old. So old, in fact, we really can't believe it. That line has been used way to many times.

Ra'zac 2: I know. It's been used almost as many times as the line, "And that's saying something."

Ra'zac 1: That is saying something. Oh no, my lameness has spread.

Brom: Just kill me already. I don't wanna put up with you lamos and that idiot rider over there. points to Eragon

Eragon: waves

Ra'zac 2: If that's what he wants. Oh s---! My limited addition black cloak that I stole from one of the Nazgul got arrows in it.

Ra'zac 1: Mine too. kicks Eragon in the side and runs off to mourn ruined limited addition, black cloak stolen from the Nazgul

Eragon: Is this what loosing your dragon feels like?

Ra'zac 2: throws random dagger and ditto

Brom: No! gets hit by dagger Why did I just sacrifice myself for that idiot?

Eragon: faints wakes up

Murtagh: Yo.

Eragon: Who are you?
Murtagh: Murtagh.

Eragon: Why did you help me?

Murtagh: pulls out limited addition glasses stolen from Christopher Paolini and prepared speech card for what to do if to avoid revealing your parentage Umm, I was tracking the Ra'zac, and I decided to help a rider. Dog, these prepared speech cards work.

Eragon: I know. I'm so convinced that you couldn't possibly be Morzan's son.

Saphira: Ditto.

Eragon: My side hurts.

Murtagh: That must hurt as much as loosing your dragon.

Brom: You have no idea, kid.

Eragon/Murtagh/Saphira: You're supposed to be unconscious.

Brom: goes back to being unconscious

Eragon/Saphira: heal Brom

Murtagh: Sweet job, yo.

Eragon: It wasn't really. He's still gonna die.

Murtagh: Tough break, dog.

Eragon/Murtagh/Saphira: go to sleep

Saphira: Wake up, you idiot. He's dying.

Brom: Beer.

Eragon: That doesn't sound like a good idead, but I'm an idiot so, why not? brings beer

Brom: Wash my hand.

Eragon: I knew someone who was so fricking old you really wouldn't believe it had to have been a rider!

Brom: uses very sarcastic voice That sure makes me feel good.

Eragon: I try.

Brom: Never let Saphira die. When my Saphira died, I experienced pain that was surpassed only by one thing.

Eragon: What?

Brom: Training you.

Eragon: Wow. It must have been painful.

Brom: Gobbledygook. dies

Eragon: Beer!

Murtagh: Here, yo.

A/N: I don't know why I made Murtagh a gangster, but I did. Here are the review responses.

Coffee Grounds: I used the beer thing in my skit. Thanks for helping me with 32.

Devil's Advocat: There are many types of Sues. Arya is a warrior/feminist Sue. Eragon is a warrior Gary Stue. Katrina is a damsel-in-distress/fairytale Sue. P.S. It's Advocate.

SmelyBel: See response to Summerset's review in chapter 8.

Callernumber16onz100: Thanks. As you can see, I did Brom.

Bannasrokk: Islanzadi's next.

Meh: Sorry I made fun of Brom. It was majority rules. Ditto.

Rolling Thunder 420: You got your wish. Thanks.

Dreamgirlhoo: Ditto.

Bushes283: Thanks. You're right. I should've. Thanks for numbers 13 and 18.

Amantine: Thanks for the help with numbers 3 and 34.

Islanzadi's next.