Title: Second Division Prohibitions: Appendix J

Disclaimer: I don't own One Piece ;_; also, I owe a lot of ideas for the list from the Skippy list and all sorts of fanfics, books and other works of the mind. Some of them are even suggested by my readers (thanks guys!)

Rating: PG 13+

Summary: The Whitebeard Pirates drew up a list of 150 things their beloved younger brother is forbidden from doing…Ace reacts. The List is a lot longer than 150 now.

A/N: I have no excuse. This is crack, pure and simple


There were tears. There were lamentations. There was wailing and gnashing of teeth.

It was a scene straight out of some religion's idea of the Final Days. Men and women alike wept in the streets, wringing their hands and crying out against the injustice of it all…

Thinking quickly, Marco grabbed a very familiar, very thick binder and flipped straight to the most recent entry:

"650. Under no circumstance am I allowed to take a vow of celibacy."

The First Division commander was suddenly seized by the urge to join the howling multitudes albeit for very different reasons.

601. I may not sing "great balls of fire" while grinding my crotch in somebody's face.

602. I may not sing said song and then offer everyone some roasted nuts.

603. I may not let people roast chestnuts on my chest.

604. Not allowed to toss short bearded people around.

605. Not allowed to follow said short bearded people around, singing "Hi ho, hi ho, hi ho"

606. Not allowed rush at people screaming and axe them at the knee.

607. I may not blow my nose on the shirts of random people.

608. I especially cannot do it while they're still wearing them.

609. Not allowed to use anybody as a handkerchief.

610. Not allowed to start a debate on how to appropriately cook people.

611. Not allowed to make a giant blanket fort in the middle of the galley using all the linens on board.

612. Not allowed to defend said blanket fort with pillows stolen from my crewmates' beds.

613. Not allowed to discipline people by smacking them with a rolled up newspaper.

614. Shock Therapy is also prohibited.

615. Hedonism is not a religion and I am not its chaplain.

616. Not allowed to found new religions.

617. The voices in my head are not allowed to countermand my orders.

618. Nor can my magic 8 ball.

619. Not allowed to glomp some fuzzy creature screaming, "It's so fluffy I'm going to die!"

620. Not allowed to shave said fuzzy creature.

621. Not allowed to refer to my division members as my minions.

622. Not allowed to make them dress up as giant yellow pills in blue overalls.

623. Not allowed to force them to learn, and exclusively speak, a strange jabbering language that no one else understands.

624. The minions I'm not allowed to have may not glow in the dark.

625. I am not allowed to carry magnets. There are many, many sharp pointy metallic things on board.

626. I may not talk pops into creating really big waves with his powers for me to surf on.

627. Not allowed to set Fossa's sword on fire whenever I feel like it.

628. I may not point out to Thatch that octopi are like big wet spiders.

629. Especially just before we have calamari for lunch.

630. Doing so at any point before or after the meal is also not allowed.

631. I cannot make the 'tentacle-testicle' joke ever again.

632. I am not allowed to play with heavy machinery. Especially not after taking cough medicine.

633. Not allowed to walk into a room, give one person a lap dance then leave. It causes riots.

634. I am expressly forbidden from giving people lap dances.

635. Not allowed to name my freckles and expect my division to remember them all.

636. Not allowed to randomly change the names of my freckles.

647. I may not exchange my crewmates' pistols for water guns.

638. Not allowed to fill said water guns with slime.

639. We do not "consume the flesh of our fallen foes to gain their strength".

640. Nor do we "harvest their souls". I must stop spreading such idiocy.

641. I may not throw a fit wherever PDA is prohibited. It does not even refer to me.

642. I am not a comet. I may not 'streak' through the sky.

643. Nor may I do so literally.

644. Nor am I a shooting star. People cannot wish on me.

645. I am not allergic to paperwork.

646. I cannot write my reports on poison ivy leaves to argue my point.

647. When ordering supplies, "buttload", "assload", "shitload", "a little bit" or "whatever you feel like giving me" are not numbers.

648. Sexual favors are not a valid form of payment.

649. Nor are chits that say "IOU: hugs and kisses!"

650. Under no circumstance am I allowed to take a vow of celibacy.


A/N: …raise your hand if you were one of the crying multitudes. XP

It has become a Whitebeard Pirate SOP to check if anything Ace has done recently (or not so recently) can explain the insanity they find themselves in, rather than investigating. Sadly, it's a rather effective time-saving system…Poor Marco XD clean up is generally his problem.

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