Chapter Twelve: Sex Talk

Karkat couldn't help but glance at Cronus across the table every time he looked up. It took everything in his power not to just glare at him. Kankri may have forgiven him, but Karkat hadn't, even if he'd been the one to give him advice in the first place. Meulin was also weirdly put off by him, but if Karkat had to guess, Cronus had probably hit on her at some point. Solomon and Dessie seemed a bit befuddled as well—after all, he'd hurt their son—but were faking sincerity a lot better than Karkat was managing.

"So, remind me, how long have you two been dating?" Solomon asked.

"Uh… well," Cronus stammered, eyes darting over to Kankri. "How long's it been… 9 months?"

"Are you counting from the beginning or since Kankri took your groveling ass back?" Karkat growled. Kankri kicked him underneath the table.

"Karkat, please, don't be rude," Kankri chided, sounding more embarrassed than preachy for once. Nepeta and Meulin exchanged a look, then started signing at each other rapidly. Meulin made a gesture and Nepeta cackled, but judging by Dessie's glare it was probably something inappropriate.

"Girls!" she said sternly. "Be polite."

"Oh my goodness, I am so sorry," Kankri said, burying his head in his hands.

"It's fine, babe," Cronus said, seemingly unfazed by the family's behavior. Kankri, however, was increasingly embarrassed.

"Father, may we please be excused?" he asked, basically pleading for a means of escape.

"Hold on a minute," Solomon answered. "Cronus, I apologize. We're not usually like this." What a lie; they were always like that. "But you must understand, Kankri was very distraught after what happened. Now I trust his decision to give you a second chance, but everyone is a bit wary."

"Nah, I get it," Cronus said, preparing to smooth-talk his way out of the situation. "You're just looking out for him. We're on the same page, really. We both just want Kan to be happy. I fucked up; I acknowledge that, and I know how lucky I am to even be with him right now. It'll never happen again. Things are different now. I've never been more serious about anything in my life." Karkat rolled his eyes. Cronus sounded mostly genuine, but that didn't mean he wouldn't "fuck up" again.

"Might I ask what's different this time?" Solomon prodded, raising a single inquisitive eyebrow.

"Well, Kan and I had a long talk about it, and we both made some concessions. I promised to take things more seriously, make an effort to be more present in his life, ya know? And he—"

"Shut. Up. Cronus," Kankri hissed, a bit terse. Cronus let out a little sigh and sank in his seat. Solomon's eyes darted from Cronus to Kankri, and then he cleared his throat.

"Well, if you two have an understanding, and are happy, that's fine by me. You're always welcome here, Cronus," he said, looking back at Cronus.

"Thanks, man. Er—I mean, Mr. Vantas."

"Thank you, father. Now may we please be excused?" Kankri repeated.

"Yes, you can go," Dessie answered. Despite his words, Solomon didn't look like he'd made his mind up about Cronus. Kankri stood immediately, walked around the table, and hoisted Cronus up, pulling him upstairs.

"I smell something fishyyyy!" Nepeta sang. Karkat set his fork full of food back down, not sure what to make of Nepeta's insinuation.

"God," he muttered, "I just lost my appetite. I think I'm done too."

"Good!" Solomon said with the biggest fake smile he could muster, then let it immediately drop when he spoke again. "You three can do the dishes. I think Dessie and I have some things to talk about." The two adults quickly left the table, leaving just Karkat, Nepeta, and Meulin. Meulin immediately let out a laugh.

"Ahahaha, did you see how embarrassed Kankri was?"

"Why do you think he wanted to get out of here so fast?" Nepeta asked. Oh god, Karkat didn't want to know how Meulin was going to respond to that.

"Why do you think?" Meulin chirped, before miming sucking a dick. Nepeta laughed along with her sister, but Karkat couldn't help but be mortified.

"Would you two knock it off? That's my brother; that's the last thing I want to think about him doing."

"Don't be such a baby, Karkat," Nepeta pouted at him.

"I'm not being a baby! Do you want me to stand here and talk about how Meulin sucks off Kurloz?"

Nepeta faltered, squinting her eyes and turning towards Meulin. "Ewwwwwwww…"

"I do not!" Meulin shouted.

"Oh please," Karkat rolled his eyes before walking down the hall.

"Where do you think you're going?" Meulin called after him.

"To pee! Stop being so fucking nosy." He turned in the hall, but thought better of using the downstairs bathroom. It was well-known in the house that you could hear everything in the master bedroom from in there, as Kankri was one to discover on an unfortunate afternoon and later described in an uncomfortable amount of detail to Karkat later. He had no idea why everyone in the house was obsessed with talking about sex. In that moment, he wasn't sure if he wanted to know what Dessie and his father were discussing, so he went upstairs. Maybe he was wrong about Cronus. It was entirely possible. He'd been wrong about Dave, and he felt vaguely guilty about his snide comments at the dinner table. Kankri's door was the slightest bit open, just a crack. Fine, Karkat conceded. He would apologize. He stepped towards the bedroom door, starting to talk before he pushed it open a bit.

"Hey, Kankri, just wanted to—AGH!"

Both Cronus' and Kankri's eyes darted over to Karkat in horror. Cronus was on his knees in front of Kankri, one hand on Kankri's dick and the other at his waist. Kankri's pants and underwear were pulled down a bit, and his dick was up like a mailbox flap with Cronus' lips around it. All three of the boys froze for a moment, just staring wildly at each other. Cronus pulled away, wiped his mouth and stood up and Kankri covered himself, stammering wildly at his brother. "K-Karkat, I— p-please don't tell father."

Karkat slammed the door. "Shut up and put your pants back on! Holy fuck!"

Karkat had to lock himself in his room, turning his computer on and pulling up YouTube in a futile attempt to sear the image out of his mind. Pesterchum alerted him to another thing to occupy his mind.

twinArmageddons [TA] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG]

TA: hey
CG: Hey.

twinArmageddons [TA] is now an idle chum!

CG: Sollux?
TA: yeah, sorry
TA: sup?
CG: I don't know, you messaged me.
TA: right
TA: i dunno, i'm not feeling myself right now
CG: Jeez, what else is new?
TA: ugh
TA: why do i ever think i can talk to you seriously?
CG: Please.
CG: I am not the friend you message when you want to have a serious talk.
CG: I am the friend you message when you want to get your mind off your shitshow of a life and kick my ass at Overwatch.
TA: shit man you're right
TA: wanna play a few rounds?
CG: Fine, but you can't use Bastion
TA: fuck

At the very least, it proved to be a distraction for a little while, even if Karkat got chided for bailing on helping with the dishes.

"I thought you were supposed to help the girls clean up dinner last night," his father told him the next morning.

"Yeah, well, I walked in on Kankri getting a blowjob so forgive me if my mind wasn't clear," Karkat bit back. Kankri glared at him from the couch.

"I asked you not to tell, you… you… FUCKER!" Kankri shouted. Ho. Ly. Shit. Karkat could not believe Kankri was that worked up. Solomon set his jaw.

"Right. Okay, boys. In my office."

"But— " Kankri objected.

"Now!" Solomon said, his voice booming with authority. Both Vantas children scrambled into Solomon's office as fast as they could make themselves, leaving Nepeta and Meulin staring befuddledly at their mother.

"Don't worry, ladies, we get our own talk later," she said with a smirk.

Karkat sat on the floor of his father's office, while Kankri took the chair in the corner. Solomon was standing, leaning forward with both his hands on the desk. "Okay boys, since it doesn't seem like I can put this off anymore, it's time for… The Talk." Karkat's eyes widened, then he shot a glare at Kankri.

"This is all your fault," he growled.

"My fault?! If you hadn't said anything, we wouldn't be dealing with this right now! Besides, you're off with Dave all the time doing God knows what."

"Excuse me?!" Karkat snarled. Kankri was pushing all his buttons. "You great blubbering hypocrite! For your information, Dave and I kissed. Once. Meanwhile you're getting sucked off while preaching about celibacy."

"Enough!" Solomon immediately put an end to the argument. "Both of you will sit down and pay attention. Kankri, you are a bit of a late bloomer, which there is no shame in, and Karkat, you're getting to that age anyway, and I only want to have this conversation once. Stop fighting with each other and listen to your father, or so help me I will put both of you through the GODDAMN ringer." Solomon rarely brought out that authoritative voice, but when he did, the Vantas boys knew to take things seriously. Both of them sat back down after that. "Good. Now… clearly this isn't just a biological discussion, because both of you are dating guys. So, we're going to start with the basics. Condoms."

"Dad, Cronus and I are not having sex."

"Oral sex is sex, Kankri."

"But—"

"No buts. Now…"

After about an hour and a half of the most uncomfortable situation imaginable, Karkat hid himself away in his bedroom again. He logged into his computer, pulling up the web browser and running a couple Google searches. His dad had talked about the physicality of relationships, but he needed help with the emotional aspect. He and Dave had had a few more movie nights since Dave had his panic attack, but still no other date dates. Karkat typed into the searchbar, 'how to ask a guy to be my boyfriend'. It was stupid, and probably wouldn't help at all, but Karkat still clicked on the useless wikihow article. As anticipated, it was all very basic and pedestrian, and recommended going out on more than one date. Just reading that sentence made Karkat want to smash his keyboard.

carcinoGeneticist [CG] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG]

CG: Okay, dickweed.
CG: Time to stop putting this off.
TG: what
CG: We're going on another date.
CG: A real date.
TG: sure thing
TG: what did you have in mind sweetcheeks
CG: You're insufferable.
TG: you love it 3
CG: Ignoring that for the moment
CG: There's a karaoke place downtown.
TG: oh shit
TG: yeah man i am so down for that
TG: i can finally show you what a dope rapper i am
CG: Please never string together those words again.
TG: yo im fly as fuck
CG: Now you're trying too hard to sound terrible.
TG: you know it
TG: hows tomorrow
CG: Tomorrow's fine.

carcinoGeneticist [CG] has ceased pestering turntechGodhead

Karkat didn't stress himself out about the second date as much as he had about the first, even though it had been literal months, which he imagined was out of the ordinary. He caught a ride with Kankri, who was incredibly upset with him, feeling as though he'd fallen out of grace with their father.

"I really don't appreciate that little stunt you pulled yesterday." Kankri said, his posture stiff and gaze focused on the road.

"What, telling Dad?"

"Yes."

"Shit, dude, it just kind of slipped out. Besides, how the fuck do you think I felt?"

"You shouldn't have just barged into my bedroom like that."

"I was trying to apologize for being a jerk at dinner. And your door wasn't closed all the way, just so you know; be more careful next time. And also, Dad's not even mad. You're acting like he went all ballistic on you because I ratted you out or some shit, but he just gave us the 'safe sex' talk which would already be uncomfortable for you and me but he was uncomfortable too talking about us being with guys."

"What do you mean?"

"Don't you think Dad was being kind of awkward about neither of us turning out straight?"

"Well… I suppose…"

"Besides, if anything I should be upset with you for subjecting me to the torture that was The Talk. Anyway, neither him nor Dessie think it's weird for a couple of hormonal 17-year-olds–"

"Cronus is 18."

"—to explore their sexuality with each other, since Dad and Dessie were probably doing the same thing at 17." Kankri was silent for a moment. "So was that the compromise you made? Cronus promised to take the relationship more seriously and you promised to put out?"

"Not exactly. I will remain celibate until my 18th birthday. Until then, well… Cronus convinced me that other things don't necessarily 'count', as it were."

"Ugh, okay, point made. What made you change your mind? You were pretty sex-repulsed for a while there."

"Karkat, just because I was not partaking in sexual acts doesn't mean I didn't want to. In fact, it is very difficult to stave off desire. Cronus was sexually frustrated, I was sexually frustrated… it makes sense. That frustration was the only reason he invited Damara over in the first place. Not because she cares about him as I do," Kankri explained, his tone turning bitter when talking about Damara. "So… that's the kind of thing we talked about the day you ran into him." Karkat sighed, remembering it was the same day as his first date with Dave. "Hey… you alright?" Kankri asked. Karkat was a bit surprised; normally Kankri would have gone on an absolute rant about his own problems. For someone who claimed to have others' best interests in mind, he never really talked about them seriously and very often gave backhanded compliments. Karkat remembered the time Kankri told Mituna not to wear his helmet because it made other handicapped people look bad, even though Mituna was one of those people who needed his goddamn helmet.

"Yeah, I'm fine, I guess. I just… I don't know. I'm kind of jealous you even have a boyfriend."

"Well, you have Dave."

"Yeah, but he's all weird whenever I mention wanting to title it."

"I'm not sure I can help you with that."

"I didn't think so," Karkat grumbled. Kankri pulled into the parking lot, not really sure what else to say. He wanted, one day, to be as well-spoken as their father. The most major obstacle was learning when to shut up. Kankri sighed as Karkat hopped out of the car. "God, this sucks," Karkat grumbled to himself as he walked up to the karaoke place. Dave was already waiting outside, leaning up against the brick wall until he saw Karkat walking up.

"Hey Vantass. What's up?" Dava said, his smug little smile appearing. Karkat rolled his eyes.

"Why… why are you like this." Dave barely covered a little snort of laughter.

"You know you like it."

Karkat smiled a bit. "Yeah." As Dave turned to walk inside, Karkat decided to make a grab for his hand. Dave paused for a second, glancing back at Karkat before slightly pulling his hand away. What the fuck. This put Karkat off throughout the entire date. He couldn't even smile at how Dave actually managed to get through Eminem's Rap God, proving that he could rap, it was just his lyrics that sucked. At the end, Dave made a gesture like he was going to drop the mic, but didn't actually do it, instead pulling it back up for a moment.

"Please do not drop the mic, audio equipment is expensive," he said to the crowd. A few people chortled, but Karkat was surly as ever. "Your turn, KV," Dave said as he sat back down.
Karkat huffed as he walked up to the stage, and began flipping through the song selection until he saw the perfect title. The music began and Karkat started to sing, watching Dave smirk up at him from their table the entire time.

"When you were here before, couldn't look you in the eye. You're just like an angel. Your skin makes me cry." Dave's smirk faded. "You float like a feather in a beautiful world. I wish I was special. You're so fucking special. But I'm a creep. I'm a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don't belong here." Karkat felt the weight of the lyrics, closing his eyes. "I don't care if it hurts. I want to have control. I want a perfect body. I want a perfect soul. I want you to notice when I'm not around. You're so fucking special. I wish I was special. But I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don't belong here," Karkat felt himself tearing up through the second chorus, but he didn't even care. "He's running out again," his lips changed the pronouns before he could even process. He opened his eyes a bit, looking at Dave, whose expression was turning to a mix of concern and embarrassment. "He's running out… he run, run, run, run, ruuuuuun!" Karkat was seriously crying at that point and he didn't know how to make it stop. "Whatever makes you happy. Whatever you want. You're so fucking special. I wish I was special. But I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don't belong here," Karkat's voice grew quiet as he wiped the tears off his cheeks. "I don't belong here," he simply spoke the last line, putting the microphone back on its stand and walking down the stage stairs, leaving the audience unsure of whether to clap or not. Karkat didn't sit back down, he just walked past the table towards the entrance doors. Dave stood, following him.

"Kar! Karkat!" Karkat didn't want to wait for him. He kept moving, walking down the street. "Karkat, wait up!" Dave kept calling after him. Karkat started walking faster, hearing the sound of Dave's converse hitting the pavement as he chased after him and eventually caught up, actually pulling in front of Karkat. "Kar, what the fuck was that?"

"You can stop acting like you care now, Dave. I'm tired of being on the receiving end of pity," Karkat grumbled, trying to shove past Dave unsuccessfully.

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"Dude, what are you after here?" Karkat raised his voice. "I think I've made myself pretty fucking clear on what my intentions are but every time I actually try to act like we're dating or whatever the fuck, you get all weird about it! I'm tired of letting you fuck around with my feelings, okay? In fact, I fucking hate this! Just figure it out already, your wishy-washy bullshit is making me hate myself even more than I already did. So what the fuck is your issue? Am I not good enough for you? If that's the case fucking say it instead of saying yes when I ask you out. Just cut me off, because I can't keep playing your goddamn games."

Dave glanced around. People were starting to stare a bit. "Karkat, I think you're, uh, looking for more than I am."

"So… what, I've been wasting my time hanging around?"

"Nah, man, I like hanging out with you. I just… don't really want a commitment right now," Dave said, his face giving away nothing.

"God, you're such a prick!" Karkat shouted, tearing up again as he pushed past Dave.

"Kar, Kar, Kar, wait, no," Dave said, grabbing Karkat's shoulder and jerking him around to face him again. "I'm not sure I understand what I've done wrong."

"Dave, I don't want to just hang around, okay? God, why is this so fucking difficult? I want you to be my boyfriend. I don't want you to be embarrassed to hold hands with me, and peck me on the cheek, and do cheesy stupid duets at the karaoke place, and ruffle my hair, and do all the stuff every fucking normal couple gets to do instead of rescind like I just threw up on your shoes every time I try to show you some kind of goddamn affection. If this was all bullshit, then why did you always flirt so hard with me? I don't fucking get it."

Dave faltered for a moment. "It wasn't all bullshit, Karkat, I… ugh. You wouldn't understand."

"Try me, asshole."

"Man, it's really complicated and I just…"

"I've had it with your 'it's complicated' nonsense, okay? It really just feels like you're jerking me along or something," Karkat said, starting to walk away again.

"But—"

"'But' nothing, assmunch!" Karkat shouted one last time. Dave took a step towards him, grabbing his hand. Karkat yanked away from him, trying to keep himself from crying again. "Leave me alone!" he said, not even wanting to look at Dave for any longer than he had to. Thankfully he was rescued by a passerby, a man who looked like he could decapitate someone with pure strength alone.

"Is there a problem here?" the guy said, staring Dave down. Dave, amazingly, seemed to shirk in place.

"N-no problem, sir," Dave stammered.

"Really? Cause it seemed like you were harassing this kid here."

"It's okay, sir," Karkat said. "I was just leaving," he hissed at Dave before making his way to the bus stop.