Emily could spin a web any size. Usually, she used her webs to catch nargles, just like flies. But today, she was making art. Even bigger, more profound art than before. She was writing the word FABULISS as fabulously as she possibly could. Her letters were fancy, perfectly spaced, and quite sticky. This would surely entice the imagination of even the most arrogant, pretentious connoisseur.
With a swing to the left, and a swing to the right, some fancy footwork, and a good deal of motivation, she eventually finished her web. It was big and beautiful and reminded her of the word it spelled. She had spelled it wrong, but that was of no great importance. She didn't know it was wrong, and frankly, the wizarding world as a whole was not good at spelling, as it was not taught at any of the world's top wizarding schools. Almost nobody would notice it was wrong, even fewer people would know the correct spelling, and fewer still would care. Emily deserved a break, so she decided to take an evening nap until the humans woke up to see it.
Several hours later, the sun came up, and with it awoke Farmer Xenophilius Lovegood, and his daughter Luna who had arrived back from summer camp overnight. She hadn't see the webs yet, and her dad didn't even realize she'd gotten home. They both walked down the stairs from their respective bedrooms, and bumped into each other at the bottom.
"Oh my," said Xenophilius. "When did you get back?"
"I just got back last night," answered Luna. "I came in through the fireplace using some Floo powder."
"Darling, you know I can't afford to be replacing Floo powder all willy-nilly like that."
"It's quite alright, I earned some money at camp and bought it for myself to pay for the trip back. I thought I'd save you the effort of coming to get me."
"I appreciate that, Luna, Dear. Oh, I almost forgot. Have you seen the web yet?"
"Web? What web?"
"Hmm, I suppose you've missed quite a bit. While you were gone, I bought a cowpig, and lately, there's been a web above the barn that says 'Orville Hooray!' on it to explain exactly why Orville is great."
"Wow, that must've been quite the spider that made it."
"What? No, Orville is the cowpig's name. Why does everyone keep talking about the spider?"
"Have you written an article in The Quibbler about it? It would fit quite well with the rest of your stories in the next issue."
"Of course I have," he lied. Obvious though it should've been, he hadn't actually thought of this idea. "As soon as the next issue publishes, people across England will be coming to see the miracle."
"Can I see it?"
"Yes, dear. I'll show you, follow me."
The two went out toward the barn, and Xenophilius was shocked to see that the web he had expected was up no more. In its place was a newer, fancier web, one that said "FABULISS" instead of "ORVILLE HOORAY!"
"It's even better than you described it," oohed Luna. "In fact, it's absolutely fabulous!"
"That's because it's for a very fabulous cowpig," Xenophilius responded. "Every day, from three to seven p.m., I take admissions for the general public to gawk and grovel and stare at the amazing web and the even amazinger cowpig. I've been doing this most of the time you've been gone."
"It's a shame it's spelled wrong," said Luna.
"Yes, it is. As a professional magazine editor, I am trained to know these things. Luckily, I don't think it will be a problem for most of my readers."
Together, the two of them went back inside. Luna to have breakfast, and her father to write the article he said he'd already written. As they went in, Scabbers was arriving back with some words he'd torn off of some trash around the house. He didn't want to come close to the noon deadline he'd been given, he really was terrified of Emily.
"Oi, Emily. I've got your words."
He started to leave.
"Not so fast, Scabbers," said Emily. "I shall have to check these words to see if they're any good before you can leave. You only get out of this if they're good, remember."
"Ah, right," replied Scabbers sarcastically. "Well let's take a look then."
He grabbed the first bit of trash from his pile and showed it to Emily. It was actually several words.
"Cowpig casserole mix, feeds four," Emily read aloud.
"I thought it might work because it was about cowpigs," said Scabbers.
"You moron, this is exactly the opposite of the message we're trying to send here. We want them to think Orville is perfect to love, not to eat."
"I don't care either way."
"Well you had better."
"Alright, alright," he groaned, handing her the second piece of trash. This one was hand-written, and though Emily did not know it, had been taken from the Weasley's house over the hill. It said "right git".
"Are you even trying?" asked Emily, starting to get even more annoyed.
"Hey, now, don't shoot the messenger," said Scabbers.
"You had one job," said Emily. "And you have failed at it as miserably as possible. Prepare yourself for the afterlife."
"Hold on! I've got one more! This one should work, I really tried my best."
"Then let's see it! Hurry, now!"
Scabbers showed Emily his last piece of trash. This one was a bit of plastic, mostly clear, with a blue band. In that blue band were white letters that said, "athletic socks."
"You think people will want to see a cowpig compared to socks?" boomed Emily. She was furious now.
"Of course not," said Scabbers. "I think people will want to see a cowpig doing tricks. He's athletic!"
Emily stopped to consider this for a moment. Maybe Scabbers did have a point. But she'd never seen Orville doing any tricks.
"Oh, Orville," she called, waking him up. He was sleeping upside-down, so he attempted to look up toward her, and accidentally looked straight at the ground. Realizing his mistake, he eventually flipped over.
"Yes, Emily?"
"Can you do any tricks?"
"I can fart real loud."
"That won't do," said Emily. "We need something more active. Scabbers found the word Athletic, and we need to see if it suits you."
"Oh, I can be athletic. Watch this!"
Orville jumped into the air, and fell on his butt. He stood up, jumped again, and landed on his feet. Then he dashed around in a circle, accidentally headbutted the side of his box, fell over again, and gave it one last go. This time, he did a backflip. Now, a backflipping cowpig was certain to bring in visitors.
"That's wonderful," said Emily cheerfully. "That one will work for sure. I'll stick with the word Fabulous a few more days, I want to get as much use out of it as I can, but we'll definitely use Athletic next. When people come to see you, make sure to do lots of backflips so they know how athletic and special you are."
Orville heard a shout from outside the barn. He looked, and there was Lovegood, holding a dish full of cowpig food. Orville was happy.
