Housestuck Hurrcain Crconikals
Chapter 12: Respecting Authoritah
Beginning AN:
Disclaimer: The following fan fiction depicts stunts performed by several expert teenagers and one badass mecha. Do not attempt any of these at home. Seriously, it could mess you up!
The Team Two trolls were at the mountain after dropping off Team 4 Kids.
There was SHITLOAD OF SNOW!
Eventually, they found the small town of SOUTH PARK.
"Hey" said Sollux. Admitedly sounding like a drug dealer. "You want to join the jury?"
He said that to Eric Cartman (the plan), who responded with "YOU WILL RESPECT MY AUTHORATAH!"
CHAPTER XII
Sollux nodded in a continuation from the last line. "Then you'll join?"
"Yeah."
"So what must do? GOSH, I need you to be cooperative now you peice of crap!"
"I need you to blow the shit out of these guys before they deliver a something. These... jawbreakers, so I can keep them for myself and not those assholes Stan and Kyle. We've been at war. At least, that's what thery don't know."
Sollux and Feferi exchanged nervis glances.
"This seems like a bad guy!" Feferi wispered loudly.
"But it's only shot for the jury!" Sollux insisted twice, because twice is his thing. "He's the only one here that answered and isn't sick from a sudden flu!"
Then Cartman said, "Take my tank it's over there out in the snow tundra." Also he hid a vial of flu stuff. HE WAS THE ONE THAT INFECTED THEM!
So then they walked and saw a tank in distance but in the less distance they saw something else something... AMUSING.
Hey this is a good time to tell you remember when I said Reglare was from another timeline? I lied.
THE ANCESOTRS. The thing was THE ANCESTORS.
"Holy cow!" Shouted Aradia. "It's trhe real Handmaid! Raised by Doc Scratch himself, as he... also somehow did with Damara prior? In a way?"
"DAMN BITCH...!" Shouted Tavbros. "SUMMONER, WITH HIS GENUINE BIGASS HORNS, AND THE ABILITY TO MAKE A REBELLION!"
"Wow cool!" Shouted the Sullox. "It's the Wiioniic! With his cool powers and history with Karkat's ancestor and shit!"
"WOW!" Shouted Karkat. "IT'S SUFFERER, WITH REAL TEACHINGS INCLUDED!" He had not stopped fantasizing of that nudist inn runner from Hawaii, he still has a crush on her.
"Hey Disciple, can you also ship?" Asked Nepeta.
Then Kanaya, "IT'S THE DOLOROSA! WHO... HAD LOTS OF SEX AND STUFF? COOL!"
"REDGLARE MY ROLEMODEL!" Said Terezi. "Oh. You're real. Is it creepy that I roleplay as you sometimes?"
"Mindfang! My role model!" Said Vriska.
"Um, I forgot what my ancestor can do." Said Equius, staring at Darkleer. "what is his name?"
"HONK!" Gamzee said at Highblood.
Then Eridan was, "Hey Dualscar is a pimp. You were even better than me at this, right? And I say better since I think I'm at least with Nepeta out of this gang."
And finally Feferi was "Jesus. Condesce, you suck and are a mean ruler that supposedly wiped out people for centuries. The Great Fuchsian is the better possible fuchsiablood between you two."
So then the ancestors nodded (except Condesce who gave Feferi a mean look) and then the trolls looked at tanks and then back at ancestors and was wandering if they should really do this beofre getting to know their ancestors.
So then they walked back and lots of tocking ensued.
"DID YOU REALLY GET TORTURED FOR YOUR BLOOD COLOR?" asked Karkat Vantas.
"...Exactly. And, uh and, and you must be the one to unsuffer my suffering and become legend of hero. Pass down my teachings like Dual- Disciple did."
"HOW DO I GET STARTED?"
"...Well, first of all, you should lead like I did. You do not have to suffer, and you can thank me for that."
"OK!"
Also, Nepeta had another talk to her ancestor.
"Can you give me some shipping advice?" She asked.
"Mark your relationships and what you know in caves." She said. "Just as I did. With the teachings too," she giggled.
And with all infos (most of them didn't want everything) they got into tanks and waved good guy to the ancestors. Then they drove off, Gamzee being the driver because he is cool like that, when Sollux went over to Aradia;.
"Aradia, why are you a downer anyway? This week you've been acting all weird and emo, and this is the first time where Karkat's too happy to break in and Rose isn't here, so I think we can handle a long story."
"Because it is boring. You see, here is my backstory:"
"OH NO!" Karkat yelled, because calling out people as idiots is his plot in the story.
"Damn." Sollux said, "Oh well. I already poked the door with a stick. Let's step in, shall we?"
Most of the other trolls were kind of interested, so they leaned in.
Aradia's backstory
"You see I was once a baseketball player when I was five sweeps old. That's ten years by the way." Aradia narrated.
Aradia was dribbling. Then we timejumped to the finals.
"I was at the finals. Against Michel Jordan."
Aradia, who was in a basketball outfit because it was sports, was trying to go past Jordan but could not because he was being a little bit better. Then, she threw it to the basket!
It was rolling around the basket and about to go in.
"Oh no!" Shouted Michel Jorden. "I'm going to lose!"
Then, the ball did not go in!
"I was very humiliated for a lot. Nobody liked me. The next day, for example,"
"Hi Aradia!" Cheered a schoolguy.
(End Flashback)
"So that's kind of it." Aradia ended.
Then she flew off the lid and into the mountains (using a jetpack that came with the tank she cannot normally fly by herself), where she noticed some strange orange glowing thingy in the near distance. She stared at it, thought, and all the while Karkat was getting fed up.
Suddenly, the tank flew off a ramp! Aradia flew back and checked out where they landed.
"AHHH!" Screamed the trolls suddenly. They landed by borders between snow and the swamp!
So good. Since it was part of the mission.
"YOU'RE SAD FOR NO REASON THEN. BECAUSE IT WAS JUST A GAME. ALSO, NOBODY HATES YOU." Said Karkat with tears in his crys.
"Why do you think that?" Asked Aradia.
"BECAUSE I LOVE YOU!" Karkat jumped. And everyone "dawwed" except Eridan (ironic since it conflicts with his quirks) who simply said, "They always go after the jackasses."
And then Karkadia and Aradia kissed, and it was supposed to be happy.
But the happy ended fast, as suddenly Vriska began to laugh hard and she sounded like a chain smoker! "I want to prove that I am a God Fiter. You have always been underestimating me, do you know that?" Then she killed Tavros!
"HEY! I THOUGHT THE ANCESTORS TOLD US TO BE NICER!" Karkat yelled.
Sufferer popped his head in to say, "No, we didn't- HOLY HELL THAT'S A DEAD GUY!"
Vriska responded by mooning him but because she was girl and not guy Karkat found that hot and not enraging.
"Hey pervert!" Vriska yelled, pulling her pants back up because she saw him drooling and the droll was red like he was drinking cherry cola.
Vriska ran off, and also Eridan starting whining about stuff.
"Feferi, wait I thought you liked me?"
"Sure I did but I'm getting somewhat lonely now that there is only you to dave, and Karkat's hookup with Aradia made me think of that. I want to date other people, like the other people are!"
Eridan understood. "Now that I understood, you let's you understand me. This tank can probably not hold us up any more. We need to do a fuel blast so we can keep the warm in spite of the cold and even though it's only half cold since we are close to the swamp."
"That could CULL us!" Feferi shouted! "Well! More than some of us already did!" She looked at Tavros's body to emphasise her point.
"Better some than all." He sneered. "We will be dead eventually."
Sollux jumped in between them. "Pfft like I care about what you think. You're jutht cannon fodder, and I am sorry but Feferi kinda is too but I hope she'll get that out."
"Aw, thanks Sollux," She said. "I... I guess." She stared at the floor, then at Tavros, and shook her head.
Eridan growled at Sollux. "Fef you want me to kill this guy for you? He's pissing me off, and if I remember right he's interrupting some relationships."
"No, you don't have to, that's OK"
"Too bad because" Then his eyes started taking on a familiar look that will be explained later... "it turns out Sollux and I are rivals."
And then he quarterbacked Solllux, KO'ing him! and Feferi gasped and tried to stab him with the fork thing! Luckily because Feferi was trying to kill Eriadn Eridan decided that to kill back instead of KO back, and shot her in the chest with his blue energy gun, getting her off.
Kanaya shouted "RAINBOW CREWS WILL NOT KILL EACHOTHER!" And dashed to him, with chainsaw. Because Eridan was also faced with death he answered by shooting and not being a football player. Kanaya was struck through the heart too and would have been dead but you just know she's going to be a rainbow Drinker too like Porrim is. Eridan punched Gamzee in the head and teleported out of the room using the transporter pad.
Un like canon howeer this did not leave Karkat Vantas alone. Aradia, Nepeta, Terezi, Equius, Gamzee, and Sufferer were in the room with him, ending with just about half. They all gasped except Aradia because she's emo like that, Eridan and Vriska because they were somewhere else, Kanaya and Sollux because they were out, Feferi and Tavros because they are now permenantly dead for now, and Gamzee because he started honking differently again.
"honk HONk." He whispered then shouted. "i am the crazy motherfucker now AND THE LOUD RUDE MOTHERFUCKER. that hit to the head awakened us. AND SPLIT US FROM THE CHILL STONER." And he ran into the teleporter in the tank's room too.
"SHITFUCKS!" Karkat shouted. "Three of us are dead (AN he doesn't know Kanaya's not dead for now or about the surprise after this killing arc), three of us are killers, and Sollux is knocked out! That's 7 of us missing! NOW WHAT? I SHOULD GO AND AT LEAST KILL ERIDAN."
"Actually, Eridan might be the one you want to kill the least." Aradia said. "Remember the look his eyes had? Did that look familiar? He was possessed by the Shipperworm."
"WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?"
"Oh. You weren't there. Dirk turned out to be possessed by this smart evil worm that tries to get the host into a lovelife because it will give the worm more life. I don't know when the worm got into Eridan, but at some point Feferi kind of put their relationship on a bridge and the worm took over and took things into its own hands, pissed that its probably not going to be immortal."
"IF IT WANTS PEOPLE WITH GOOD LOVE LIVES, WHY WOULD IT WANT TO POSSESS ERIDAN?"
"Eridan's been a player that joke stopped being funny a long time ago." Nepeta cut in.
"OKAY THEN. ANYWAY, SUFFERER, CAN YOU HELP US OUT?"
He looked around before clasping his hands together like a prayer, or like Jan did in chapter 4 of HUC. "I am not meant to honor a fight unless in extreme circumstances."
"AND THIS ISN'T EXTR- okay Karkat, calm down. Anyway, the other eleven ancestors can fight, let's get them out. Are they with you?"
"Yes."
"Then we need to make a plan."
They went into teleporter and teleported outside of the tank, looking to see the three killers go into a fortress in the snow.
"DAMMIT, NOW IT'S EVEN WORSE!" Karkat bitched. "THEY ARE ALL ATTACKING AN INNOCENT FORTRESS FULL OF INNICENT PEOPLE! AND I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT'S UP WITH VRISKA, I MEAN GAMZEE ARE CRAZY AND ERIDAN'S POSSESSED BUT VRISKA'S BECOMING A DOUCHEBAG RECENTLY FOR NO REASON."
"Let I go after them." Equius said, "At least I can attack Vriska and Eridan. But because I am a racist, that goes against me defeating Gamzee."
If Sollux was there he would laguh more because of cannon fodder and this arc is starting to get boring an rehashy so let's go through this quicke. And in case you might think of stopping to read because I am killing off the favorites, please note that something could happen that wll bring everybody back to life. This paragraph also contains foreshadowing, but this is brilliant writting because you don't know if it's foreshadowing that they will stay dead or come back.
Karkat looked at the ancestors, said "NO I THINK YOU SHOULD BE ABLE TO HANDLE THEM EASILY WITH YOUR BADASS HISTORIES." and now I feel as though I should explain their outfits:
Handmaid wore a transparent lime-green tube top and matching panties, with not-transparent dark red "aires" signs one on each article of clothing that are used to cover up her hoo-ha and boingers. The bottom part of the sign was what covered the hoo-ha while those little "horn" things went over her titties.
Summoner had on what looked like orange cotton weaved in the shape of fire, coating over him in seemingly randomly pattern. Though one consistant was that it still went over his crotch.
Psiioniic wore like a grass skirt, but made of batteries, not grass.
Sufferer had on nothing but some robe-like things of clothes that was kind of curving around his side, with the wind normally blowing one of them to cover him but when there was no wind there was another that just drapped over him, for the instances without wind.
Diciple had just being covered in "paint" (it really is paint for this moment even though she would prefer using lusis blood of loads of different colors) randomly, but it had a point to go over her chestal an groinal regions while making sure to keep her butt uncovered. Ordinarly if you looked at all you could see that the paint was kind of thin and didn't do much, or that you look closely and see that she is like Barbie Doll but I gave the secret away. (which is why in the animated version she will look flat like a Barbie Doll.)
Dolorosa had thin see-through pants and a see-through shirt. Under that was three more layers of smaller see through pants and shirts respectively that also looked less like pants and shirt in terms of shape but more like underpants and undershirt. Underneath all of that was a also see-through bra and panties, but the gimmick with her outfit was that it was supposed to look like the bottom layer was also see-through and it is if you have good eyesight. She uses this to encourage people to eat carrots.
Redglare's outfit was a bunch of ropes wrapped around her and she was naked under that. This wasn't an intended outfit: she just wanted to be a nudist that hung people but she was really bad at it. By it I would mean the hanging but I guess this makes her a shitty nudist too.
Mindfang's outfit was her journal pages glued to her. Ironically for a Mindfang, she used enough pages to cover up a bit of her (everything that's not neck, hands, feet, or head) but the fact that she wasn't wearing anything underneath was supposed to be titilating. It's not.
Darkleer... this would take some explaining. Shorts, that were really halves locked together (but he can still, you know, remove them), and a tiny set of heavy weights and a small pulley. He would ask people and challenge them if they were strong enough to lift the weights by pulling the rope, which would life a key up to destroy the lock and cause his outfit to fall in half.
Highblood just tied a balloon around his waist (enough until the free string was really short) so that the balloon which was kind of clear floated where it needed to be. The balloon was black and had an indigo clown-smiley on it that was winking on one side, with a frowning one that was not winking on the other. This was to represent that Gamzee is a crazy dickhead.
Dualscar just had on a cape that was closed together around him.
Condesce just glued her 2-sided trident thing to her front. Her ass was completely exposed.
Condesce herself said, "Sorry, but who was the leader of the empire after a century-long conflict with the Great Fuchsian? I think we should lead on our own. We'll start by huddling up by that bank over there, and come up with a backup strategy. You can either wait like reasonable people or charge in like stupid 'heroes.' Which option?"
Equius charged in anyway, causing Karkat to yell "THAT'S NOT THE PLAN!"
After Equius left, Aradia said to Karkat "Let me take care of Sollux and defend him in case they go here. They only need one defender and that's me, so do not pussy out of going into the snow fortress like I am right now."
Terezi ran in screaming "YES! NOW I GET AN EXCUSE TO BE VRISKA'S RIVAL AND IMPRESS KARKAT AWAY FROM ARADIA!" While Karkat looked at Aradia and crossed his arms.
"JERK!" He shouted. "I WILL STAY HERE, JUST TO PISS YOU OFF. AND YOU CAN'T DO SHIT TO CONVINCE ME OTHERWISE."
Then Nepeta began rubbing her head to his side, and Karkat began to sweat.
"Karkat I never mentioned this before, but along with Roxy, Damara, and Sollux I also suddenly like you and I'm wondering if we can date?"
Karkat did a sitcom face and shouted "NOW'S NOT THE TIME FOR ROMANCE! OMG, I GOTTA GET OUT OF HERE!"
And then he ran to the fortress, with Nepeta looking angry at him and following thusly.
(Note that this is Not the Same snow Fortress as in Inception but that Is a Good Movie Please Watch It)
"Vriskaaaaa..." Equius said like he was calling a dog. "Or Eeeeeridan. Just not gamzee because otherwise I would not bother fighting him off and just die."
Suddenly he got an arrow to the knee. It was Gamzee!
"Oh poop." He said, self-censorship like.
And then Gamzee broke his neck with the bow's string. Oh he got the bow from a random person in the snow fortress. By stealing it. Because he's a crazy dickhead.
"MUHA HA HA!" Gamzee shouted like that Badguy from Fairly Odd Parents, "NOW THAT THE STRONGEST TROLL CAN KILL YOU, YOU DON'T HAVE ANYONE TO STOP ME!"
"OH REALLY..." said Eridan, "NOT EVEN WITH... ICHIGO'S SWORD THINGY?"
Erudan dashed up to Gamzee's side and the two of them glared at eachother, face to face. Then Karkat ran in between them and gasped.
"OH SHIT OF ALL THE THINGS TO RUN INTO IT HAD TO BE YOU GUYS NOW."
Gamzee grabbed Karkat's arms and held them out like a Cruxification, which is supposed to be a reference to the Bible because Karkats' ancestor is like Jesus complete with red? text. And then Gamzee tried to break his arms off and Eridan laughed at him, until someone cried from the back.
"LET THE GO OF MY CRUSH!" Shouted a voice.
"TEREZI" Karkat asked?
"NO NEPETA! THE OTHER CRUSH!"
And she dove in too, and remember she ALSO had the Ichigo skills, and stared Eridan face to face. Eridan and Nepeta swordfought until Eridan was realizing that he was losing and bowed (and a gong played too) and ran off to another part of the fortress. Then Nepeta glared daggers at Gamzee. Not the shitty 99ยข daggers, either, the ninja kind! (Um don't take this as racist against Asain's face because it isn't Nepeta isn't even necessarly Asian-like unless you want her to be. Ninja was the only kind of 'good' dagger I can think of the rest is just movie props that look cool but in reality are plastic.)
Nepeta jumped up at Gamzee, and he finally let go of Garkat just to block the sword with one finger. He laughed again as he caught the sword.
"Do You know what happens to you next?" Gamzee whispered evily. "MEEP MEEP." He then honked, shouting.
"YES! I get clown blood staining my ass!"
Gamzee could only say "What the" but not fuck as Nepeta huntressed her way out of his grip and suddenly jumped at him, except this time she jumped backwards and her ass hit his face. Gamzeee was so hit by it that the front of his skull caved in the back part of his head and skull exploded and his brains shot out like his head had diarrhea. He fell back, and for the first time in the history of Homestuck there was a dead Gamzee and he's NOT going to God Tier. Karkat gasped because this was not what happened in canon but instead somebody got spared by the adaptiation as TV Tropes would put it.
"WOW." Said Karkat. "NOW THAT'S WHAT I CALL AN ASSASSINATION. YOU SHOULD CHANGE YOUR TROLLTAG TO ASSENICCATNIP. I GUESS WE SHOULD TAKE YOU SERIOUSLY WHENEVER YOU BUTT IN ON CONVERSATIONS. GAMZEE'S LAST WORDS SHOULD HAVE BEEN 'THAT IS ONE BAD ASS, MOTHERFUCKER.' I BET NOBODY WANTS TO BUTT-HEADS WITH YOU NOW. THAT'S WHAT I CALL ASSASSIN'S CRE- wait I already made an assassin joke. Um... THAT JUNKIE (ASSUMING IT MEANS DRUG ABUSER) SURE MET HIS END WITH THE LAST KIND OF JUNK HE'D WANT. Or first if he's a butt pervert. GAMZEE HAD ALWAYS BEEN THE BUTT OF HIS OWN JOKES BUT THIS IS NEW. YOU REALLY REAR-ENDED HIM, JUST LITERALLY BUT ALSO A BIT MORE FIGURATIVELY DEPENDING ON WHAT YOU CONSIDER LITERAL OF THE TERMS. HE WENT OUT MAJORA'S MASK STYLE: TOOK A DIRECT HIT FROM A MOON. GAMZEE TRIED TO BURST MY BUBBLE BUT THEN YOU BURST HIM WITH YOUR BUBBLE BUTT- wait hold on that doesn't make any sense-"
"Are you done with the ass jokes?"
"YES BUT I HAVE A QUESTION. HOW THE HELL IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE?"
"You guessed right when you said I have a bubble butt. It's round, so it can be used like a weapon just like I did now."
"oh that makes sence"
But suddenly, they heard laughter coming from down the halls and ran there to see Eridan/Shipperworm standing in front of a huge glass thingy, behind the glass was a giant mecha that lookeed like a shoddy knockoff of the Transformers! There was a sign on it reading "DEATH MECHA" in big red Sharpie letters that made a fake-blood look to try to scare people from pushing the button. Eridan laughed.
"When I push this button the mecha known as DEATH MECHA shall be unleashed, and I will program it to be on my side and help me not just get out of here, but leave this Godforesaken Rainbow Crew! And I will plot and revenge them to kill them and stuff! Just like this Eridan guy's ancestor I think! And then, after wiping you for the hell of it, I heard of a new Martian whose love life might be able to keep me immortal!"
"NO!" Karkat shouted.
"Why are you doing this." Nepeta laughed at him. "Just cut the middle man and go to this Mars guy."
"Fuck you that's why." And he pushed the button and the glass shattered like bad CGI. But then Eridan was cut in half! It was Kanaya, who was glowing and had one arm holding a chainsaw, but also her chest had already healed up because it was a small wound and also I don't want her to have a huge injury that lasts for a few more chapters of the story that would look weird.
"WOW SOMEBODY'S BEEN FAPPING!" Karkat shouted. "AND I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT MYSELF BECAUSE I TOTALLY DON'T DO THAT.
"YES BUT I HAVE A QUESTION." Karkat continued. "HOW THE HELL IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE?"
"It turns out that I can become a rainbow drinker, which is troll for Vampire."
"oh that makes sence"
"NO!" Nepeta cried, "He wasn't evil! He was possessed by the Shipperworm!"
"The what?" Kanaya asked.
"Oh. Right." Nepeta looked at the ground. "Akward."
Eridan was not dead yet and his top half laughed (makes sense because why the hel l would his bottom half talk), "Karkat while you're being a complete retard I already made the Death Mecha reprogramed to kill all of you guys and the people in here." and then he died. BUT THEN HIS UPPER HALF GOT ACTIVE AGAIN!
"Hello. This is Edward Cullen. And I have possessed this dead body. Because you can no longer see me. Since you are a vampire. And you cannot. See me any more. Because I am a ghost."
Kanaya gasped. And she could tell it was him and not Eridan screwing with her because his eyes glowed red and voice changed (that's not a possesion thing Edward just picked the voice because his voice was sexy and he wanted her to know faster, as for the Shipperworm's eye she simply snuck up from behind and unlike those cliche things his voice wasn't changed) that showed that he was possessed.
"I just want to tell you. That yes. You are right in giving up on me. Because I am a terrible boyfriend."
"NO YOU'RE NOT!"
"Yes I am. In fact I. Watched my last girlfriend sleep."
"Oh ew..."
"Alright. I'll be honest. I watched you. Sleep too. When I was alive."
"OH FUCK YOU YOU CREEP! I CAN'T BELIEVE I DEDICATED MY LIFE TO YOU AND VOWED TO NTO DATE ANYONE UNTIL ALUCARD WAS DEAD." She dropped Edward/Eridan and chainsawed him to the face, re-killing Edward but not Eridan because he was already dead.
Suddenly the fortress shook and all the people there were running around like they were on fire which is to show that there were in face people there.
"WHAT NOW?" Karkat asked.
"We should go to the top and find out. We can get a better view that way." Said Nepeta. Kanaya nodded in agreement.
(Roof)
"VRISKA THIS IS FOR KARKAT!" Shouted Terezi, who laughed on the roof. Vriska laughed back until she was stabbed because she can't do anything while dead.
Terezi was joined by the other trolls, Karkat and Kanaya, and thus the same main three were together with the additon of Nepeta. But I doubt she will do anything. They looked from the roof to see DEATH MECHA roaming around, walking through the snow aimlessly. There were other tanks and more mechas (the Death Mecha can clone himself and the tanks were from military) They saw Aradia standing on a slope looking at the scene with serious face. Karkat got angry.
"ARADIA, GET YOUR FUCKING ASS OVER HERE. WHAT ARE YOU DOING OUT THERE?"
Upon shouting that, Death Mecha turned his head over to them, and glared. "I FINALLY FOUND YOU FUCKING TROLLS STOP HIDING!" He shouted. That's all he really wanted to do was kill these trolls, and he cloned himself to look more. Then the military fought, and he was only self-defensing himself and wasn't trying to kill any of them. Any of them.
"WOW KARKAT. NOW HE'S GONNA WANT TO KILL US." Terezi laughed beause she was kind of crazy.
Karkat began crying ."OH SHIT YOU'RE RIGHT WE'RE GONNA DIE AND IT'S ALL MY FAULT NO NO NO NO NO."
But Nepeta patted his shoulder and like Gamzee did in canon it was gonna be alright and she pointed up and to an angle to see Aradia flying to the scene with Sollux on her back. Sollux looked at Karkat, Kanaya, and Terezi and nodded, then at Nepeta and WTFed.
"I thought you would be dead." He, Sollux, said, "You and maybe Aradia? are sort of canon fodder. Well so is Tavros, Eridan, Equius, Feferi, and- oh God maybe me too? No wait, that's over half of us."
"SOLLUX YOU IDIOT DON'T YOU GET IT!" Karkat yelled in relaization "YOU'RE THE CANON FODDER! AND SO AM I! I MEAN LOOK AT ME! ALL I DID WAS YELL, AND I GOT IN THE WAY MORE THAN I DID FIXING STUFF! I WAS A LIABILITY. NEPETA'S THE REAL HERO, SHE SAVED ME FROM GAMZEE EVEN THOUGH I'D RATHER HAVE NOBODY DIE."
"Well it's too late for that, angry face."
"OK, BUT I MEAN LESS PEOPLE THAN WHEN GAMZEE DID."
"You're only defensing him because you like him in a romantic way."
Aradia stepped between them (oh yeah Karkat and Sollux were getting closer together) and pushed them appart. "Can we talk about romance while we are not being targetted by a giant mecha-AHH!"
She screamed because the mecha lifted the entire building and stared them down. He then tilted the building and they all started sliding off the roof and to his mouth.
I'd like to point out that when I first wrote that, I did not see Jaws. But when I started editting this was after I saw not Jaws, but Sonic in Jaws and looked up the thing on Wikipedia. I'd just like to say that this is not a ripoff, okay?
Kanaya jumped off of the roof with her chainsaw and did a vampire cry but only to get her weapon grabbed and blocked by the Death Mecha's free hand. He destroyed it and oops I guess Kanaya will have to come up with a more orginal and less canon-rehash weapon. Because she was jumping Kanaya fell faster first into its mouth, but before she could slide down its throat and into the acid pit in its "stomach" below she put her hands and feet on the "throat" and stopped herself. And yes this is a ripoff of chapter 11 in a way (normally I'd see this as a spoiler but come on you probably read them in numerical order anyway), but that was only because the idea for chapter 11 was something else.
Karkat and Terezi held hands as they fell through finding it useless to try to fight (after all this thing could take down Kanaya as a RAINBOW DRINKER lol) and they cried. There was no words because I'd like season four to focus on the Derse-dreamers (canon Derse dreamers and to fix the balance this is what I'm counting Sollux and Mituna as), and therefore making Karkat-Terezi feels was dumb.
Well... "TEREZI!" Nepeta cried as she used her katana to keep balance. "ARE YOU GONNA CONFESS TO KARKAT THAT YOU LOVE HIM? 'CAUSE I ALREADY BEAT YOU IN THAT!"
Karkat gasped! He was a pimp!
But the pair slid down the fake-throat and were stopped by Kanaya but at this point the weight was too much for Kanaya to be stable and now they were slowly falling onto acid as Kanaya's hands and feet started slipping.
Sollux thought, "Okay, I don't care who is the canon fodder any more, I don't give a shit. YOU ARE NOT GOING TO DIE AFTER MORE THAN HALF OF US ARE KILLED OFF!"
Sollux backflipped until he was behind Death Mecha and levitated, then fired red-blue beams onto its head. It did not break or get melted or anything, but it was bent foreward and he was forced to drop the roof. With the roof dropped the last two trolls on it could get a better stance. They looked at eachother and nodded.
Nepeta ran to the roof's edge and flip-jumped on top on its head and stabbed it with the katana, then looked at Sollux.
"WHAT DO I DO NOW?" She asked him.
"PRY IT OPEN!" Sollux cried to her, still floating and firing beams which is why thye are shouting to eachother.
She did and looked at the wires.
"NOW CUT THE RED WIRE FIRST, THEN THE BLUE AND YELLOW ONES AT THE SAME TIME. IGNORE THE PURPLE, ORANGE, AND GREEN WIRES."
She did after (using the sword to cut them) giving Sollux a look of confusion, and the Death Mecha began sparking up. It lifted a hand up and grabbed the catgirl.
"NOW WHAT?"
"IT SHOULD DIE IN ABOUT FOUR MINUTES!"
"I DON'T THINK WE HAVE FOUR MINUTES! AND KARKAT, TEREZI, AND KANAYA SURE AS FUCK DON'T!" She broke one of the fingers off just as Death Mecha grabbed the remains of the chainsaw and was about to use it to smash up Nepeta, then escaped its grip and ran up the arm. "THINK OF SOMETHING ELSE!"
"I GOT NOTHING, AND I'M RUNNING OUT OF MIND HONEY!" As Sollux finished saying that statement, he stopped glowing red and blue and began falling. Nepeta gasped, while Aradia looked at a basketball and sighed.
Nepeta jumped off and grabbed Sollux from mid-air and flipped backwards until she stopped their falls with her claw thing with one arm, using the other to grab Sollux. Thinking quickly, she drew out her Ichigo Katana with her feet and put it into the back instead, giving another platfofrm except this one can allow both hands and not one. She stood on the sword and looked at Sollux, tears falling down her face as she heard the three trolls inside getting closer and closer to their deaths. (It sounded like sliding against metal.)
"It will take a miracle to save us..." She said, looking up in the air. Sollux seemed to look half-asleep.
Suddenly, a bright light occured. It was Pip! Remember, from chapter 4?
"Pip!" Nepeta cheered. "Jade and John said that you could bring six people back to life, right?"
"Yes inddeed!"
Now right now if I was Andrew Hussie I would have Nepeta revive something like six Larry Birds (LOL Futurama reference again!) just to be a dick but I am not so.,.. "REVIVE THE DEAD TROLLS."
"Ok."
Now right now if I was Andrew Hussie he wpould revive a bunch of unlikable fantrolls because he only took the literal message but I am not so... PIP CLAPPED HIS HANDS AND BEGAN GLOWING IN BRIGHT LIGHT. "Alakazam! Biggity boo! Life!"
Then Pip's ghost got a little more see-through as a bright light came from his heart region and flew out of him, then it split into six. Then a cutscene! We saw the bodies of Tavros, Feferi, Equius, Gamzee, Eridan, and Vriska being lifted and teleported in front of Pip, RIGHT where the lights are! Then Pip clapped again, and suddenly they were completely healed and back to life! And the blood and stuff on their Rainbow Crew outfits were fixed because otehrwise ew.
Now right now if I was Andrew Hussie they would fall to the ground and die again but- OK I CAN TELL THIS ISN'T FUNNY ANYMORE so Nepeta jumped to the left to pick up Tavros, Vriska, and Gamzee, then ran on the DM's back and to the other side of where the sword was and picked up Eridan, Feferi, and Equius and they were balanced on a stack with Sollux on the bottom. She then jumped off of the sword and onto the head and jump-flipped back to the roof.
"Now I must go..." Said Pip ghostly. Then because he didn't have enough energy to stay floating on Earth he began floating upwards like a balloon that no longer had someone holding it down. But he swam his arms down to try to go back, and he was screaming "AHHH!"
Nepeta set the seven trolls down and glared at the death mecha. They were all still dazed, the six deads from being brought back to life and Sollux because he's an energyless whimp. So Nepeta knew that to continue with fighting the DM she'd have to be a more strict.
BUT FIRST.
The ancestors floated in, thanks to Wiioniic's powers!
"Okay, now you can help us too! Great!" Nepeta cheered.
"Yepperuny." Said the Condesce. "In fact, we even had a great plan for dealing with the murders. You see-"
"You see," Mindfang interrupted, "I and Summoner would team up to talk Vriska out of it. Dualscar and Dolorosa would then go after and assist Eridan, just long enough to distract him while Darkleer and Redglare both have at him. Then, the other half would have been doing defensive manuvers. Condesce over there, Handmaid, and Wiioniic will go over and protect Sollux and Aradia, while that leaves Sufferer, Disciple, and... yeah even Highblood to assist Karkat, Nepeta, and Terezi's offensive moves. But we spent too long planning and..."
"Oh, fuck it." Sufferer said in the vast explicative. "Don't even call me Sufferer anymore. I mean, that was supposedly the title after I died. My title's 'still' Signless. It always was. Even that's outdated since you can clearly see my descendant and Kankri both have signs."
The ancestors and every descendant except Nepeta gasped!
"We're all fakes." Signless continued. "I'd take these robes off, but then I'd be naked like that horrible autistic canon fodder over there."
Nepeta, who don't get me wrong already looked pissed, looked even pissededer.
"But I am a fodder. We all are. Just unimportant nobodies, who have no real hold in society. Much less any major leaps like changing the spectrum. I'd tell you more when the heroes get themselves out of being swallowed, with no help from. Well, Sollux was right. You guys can't possibly do anything. It's all Karkat, Kanaya, and Terezi. They are the real heroes. Not the Alphas with the same signs. Not their ancestors. Or the alpha's ancestors. Just them. And only them. I'll wait until they get out before we tell the truth about how we're all frauds. You know, since they're the ones that matter."
"RARRRGH!" Nepeta cried. "SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP! EVERY SINGLE DAY, I WAS TOLD THAT I AM A NOBODY! MY HOPES AND DREAMS WILL BE CRUSHED! LIKE THIS IS SOME STORY, AND THEY THINK THEY'RE MADE THE HERO! LIKE A WEIRD, STUPID ROLEPLAYING GAME! WELL, I'LL SHOW THEM! EVEN IF THIS IS A STORY AND I'M NOT A MAJOR CHARACTER... I'LL BREAK IT OPEN WITH MY HANDS! WHY DO YOU THINK I DID SO MUCH SHIT NOW? WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK I AM?"
Then Nepeta turned to the present trolls and directed, "EQUIUS. ERIDAN. FEFERI. GET YOUR ASSES UP, WE NEED YOU NOW." She shouted. "AND LISTEN CAREFULLY TO MY PLAN. FEFERI, YOU CAN STOP KARKAT AND FRIENDS FROM DYING. ERIDAN, YOU DRAIN THE ACID SO THAT EQUIUS CAN GO IN AND BOTH SAVE KARKAT AND CO. AND STRONG PUNCH DEATH MECHA'S HEAD OFF."
They got out of the pile and stared at the Death Mecha. Feferi dove down its mouth and slid down its throat and saw that the three swallowed trolls were about to fall into its "stomach" and so she tied a katana on a string and slid it down until it was below them, then turned it so that it maked a platform much like what Nepeta did with her own katana. She grinned and laughed because she was still falling, then landed right by the trolls who now had a more stable method of staying alive.
"FWEW." Said Terezi. "THANKS FEFERI YOU SAVED US."
"No, no, I stopped your deaths. Eridan and Equius will save you. I'm... really just glad that we have someone who will stop our team from being the dicks they are. And maaaaaybe that includes you!"
Eridan dove down with a katana to the gut of the Death Mecha and acid began leaking out like blood. As a result his katana got dissolved so he landed on the snow (him stopping when the katana stabbed was how he broke the fall, so instead of one big ass fall he had two slightly smaller ones) below and used his blue gun to add a bunch of hits to it so that it can't do anything more. The Death Mecha groaned and grunted as it was being killed.
Now that the acid was drained Equius could strong jump and punch a bigger hole into the stomach for him to be in. Now that he was inside he did another strongjump and got the four trolls in its throat in his arms, along with Feferi's katana. Along the jump he punched off the Death Mecha's head and landed on the roof. For the first time since before Vriska kiled Tavros, the (Zodiacs) trolls were all united! (Eridan took the stairs up to the top) And they took advantage of this by entering a badass standing pose, staring down the headless Death Mecha as sparks came from its neck.
"GUYS!" Sollux shouted, "THE MOTHERBRAIN IS IN ITS GROIN, NOT IT'S HEAD! IT'S NOT DEAD! WE NEED SOMETHING THAT CAN BE SHOT DOWN THERE AND EXPLODE!"
It began moving its arms around wildly.
"It's too fast!" Nepeta cried, "I can't do anything about a big, fast enemy! Or even come up with general directions on how to stop them! Fast is fine, big is fine, but not both!"
Aradia stared at the open hole where its head was, then she lifted up the basketball and injected it with nitrogliceren. "I can..."
The trolls turned to look at her as she dribbled the ball while running to the edge of the roof. Reaching that point, she jumped and held the ball in the air like a basketball star, only glaring at the mechanical monster. Sneering at it, she threw the ball, and it was spinning in a circle around its neck. The eleven other trolls gasped as it kept spinning and spinning, wondering if it will miss or not...
But then it fell in! The twenty-three trolls cheered while Aradia smiled, watching the Death Mecha explode as its crotch-brain was blown up first in the explosion and the rest of the body collapsed on itself and made more explosions because that was cool, now lifeless. Because the main body was blown up, the clones were deactivated because that's how the mecha works. She still thought she was going to fall on the snow down below and die (it was a tall fortress), until she remembered that she can fly and thus she flew back to the roof.
"ARADIA! ARADIA! ARADIA!" The other trolls chanted.
She smiled and even blushed a little and waved them off. "Thanks, thanks, but I only did an ok job. Nepeta's the real hero here. Cheer her name, because that plan was- pardon my french, fucking awesome."
"NEPETA! NEPETA! NEPETA!"
"WOW." Karkat said. "ALL THIS TIME I THOGUHT YOU HALF WERE A BUNCH OF USELESS SHITS THAT NEVER GETS ANYTHING IMPORTANT DONE. DOOR-KNOCKER NEPETA. 'FUDGE' GUY EQUIUS. MOODY LONELY GUY ERIDAN. EMO ARADIA. IDIOT FEFERI. AND ARADIA'S SATELLITE SOLLUX. BUT YOU PROVED ME WRONG. PLAN MASTER NEPETA. STRONG EQUIUS. TERRIFYING VILLAIN ERIDAN. BADASS SPORTS PLAYER ARADIA. AMAZING NIGHTMARE FETISHIST FEFERI. AND GUY WHO SOMEHOW KNOWS A LOT ABOUT THE DEATH MECHA SOLLUX." He put his hands to his hips. "WAIT A MINUTE. SOLLUX. HOW THE HELL DID YOU KNOW ABOUT THE DEATH MECHA SO MUCH?"
"That's actually a long story that I'm going to have to unveil something I kept secret from Aradia from for a long time."
(The next flashback)
"Are you sure this is a good idea." Equius said in the dressing room, in his lower-half-of-Michael Jordan costume.
"Yes." Said Sollux in his upper-half-of-Michael Jordan costume. "This crazy girl is too interested in our project to create the ultimate mechanical beast. We should probably see if we can turn her career from mechas to something innocent like sports so that she won't take her stupid death fetish and build robots that 'might' kill people 'just to see what would happen.'"
"You don't actually beleive this hokum, do you?"
"Shit if I know! Robotics, your thing, and robotic coding, my thing, should BOTH be kept secrets from someone this weird and deranged!"
"Why the costume." Asked Equius as Sollux jumped on him giving them the illusion of Michael Jordan. Sollux tested out the voice changer.
"To make us look more impossible of an opponent than we really are. And also, this is the man she wants to take it out on, not us. So she wouldn't be bugging us for rematches all the time." He got the voice right after getting a ton of other voices, like Kermit the Frog. "Now let's do this."
Then they walked to the doors and opened it, and behind it turned out to be... ARADIA!
"WAIT." Aradia said. "You played as MJ to go against me? So that I wouldn't misuse this?"
"uuuuum... yeeeesss..." He said, nervously sweating since Aradia was his crush after all. "And it got misused anyway, somehow. I think someone was behind it."
Aradia, however, just laughed.
"Wow. Thanks for showing me what's it's like to lose early in my life, and showing me what a whiny bitch I become!"
Sollux flinched. So did Equius.
"You're not mad?"
"Not at all! I mean, imagine if I went into my emo phase later in life! Like, after I got a job and shit."
"Oooooh... You have a weird train of thought AA. Thank God you do."
Then Karkat and Nepeta turned to Eridan.
"Then why do you know so much?" Asked the former.
Sollux and Equius blusshed. "We might have showed it to him, because he," Equius was the one talking and he pointed to Sollux after saying 'he,' "was being arrogant at his rival. Yeah. By the way, did you know that the four of us - the primary color bloods (red, yellow, blue) and Eridan were all used to live in Colorodo?"
"No." Said Karkat calmly, then he shook his head. "HEY LET'S NOT PISS AROUND. THE DEATH MECHA'S HEAD IS STILL THERE. WHAT DO WE DO ABOUT IT?"
"Well since Nepeta disabled the connection to the motherbrain, we can't do anything about it. Unless an expert were to take it. I mean, Equius and I build stuff, not fix it. To build another mecha, this one on our side, would take building it from scratch which would take too much effort."
"What about the ancestors?" Kanaya asked. Most of them shook their heads.
"Frauds." Sollux admitted.
They nodded, and just like that all of the skeletons came out of the closet (AN this is not supposed to be taken as something homophobic).
"I was obviously not ever a servant of Lord English." Said Handmaid. "I was just a farmer. So was Damara's ancestor, and Summoner. Succubus and I just decided to give our own lives to that of eachother's decendant, to make ourselves look cool. And it was eachother's because to lower suspicion. Damara was the only troll who was actually captured by Doc Scratch. And it was Scratch, too, not some fake 'Lord English' hobo."
Summoner nodded. "And I'm a terrible fighter. Not even a rebel at all! I haven't even really killed anyone. Just a farmer, like, Handmaid covered already."
"Well..." Said Mindfang, "Shit, I don't want to be found wearing nothing but lies and egaxxerations! Summoner! Challenge me! At least make some of this true!"
They prepared to fight, and they kind of did in fact fight, but the catch was that it looked like what you'd get when two geeks tried to roleplay battle. Tavros looked at them.
"Thanks, but uh... you don't have to roleplay for us!"
"This isn't roleplay, Pupa!" Said Mindfang, "We are trying to kill eachother- eh. Nevermind. I'm not much special either. In fact, I give people therapy!"
And Mindfang and Summoner looked down at the ground and they were sad. Just waiting for another one to go on.
Then Vriska and Tavros respectively hugged them.
"But you are still our ancestors, and that is... kind of cool." Said Tavros.
"Yeah, and becides, you can learn to be bigger badasses! Just don't kill eachother, or at least not Summoner, because I kind of like Tavros now!"
And Tavros said "AW... REALLY... THAT'S SWEET..." And they made out. Tavros and Vriska, not Tavros and his ancestor.
"You know, Sollux," Said Psiionniii, "I was never actually used as a battery in this world-"
"Of course not, what do you think I'm some kind of fucking idiot?" Sollux said, "If you were really used, you would have been dead!"
"I just work as an assistant manager of a computer store." He continued, a bit lower.
"Let me clear up more." Said Signless. "I just kind of preached but... it went on dead ears. I was always told to vote or something, and my movement got me nowhere and I couldn't even get a job. Not because I was an outcast, but because I spent too much time trying to change the world when I didn't have the strength to. Then I miraculously met Nepeta's ancestor. We lived in an apartment, where she does the work and I do the housework. She's the only one who really listened to me. That stuff about Psiioniic... he hates me. And Dolorosa raising me-"
"We're the same age." Dolorosa clarified. "So that is obviously impossible."
"And you?" Nepeta asked her ancestor.
"I killed losts of animals like you, and I scribed dumb stories, but no nothing too big. I worked as a model, because my stories sucked. I let people paint designs on me, and use the fact that it's a naked body underneath as a selling point in magazines. It's a surprisingly good job if you have good looks."
"Oh god. You must be a virgin." Kanaya said, facepalming.
"Not quite, but I also never led any roles in anything of note or became a slave or anything like that. Just an ordinary housewife."
"Hey um..." Mindfang saoid, looking at the ground and blushing. "I am a virgin though. Why do you think the Virgo and Scorpio signs look so similar?"
"NOOOOOOOO!" Shouted Vriska, "You only killed people and didn't get the dirty stuff done!"
"Actually, didn't even kill... I just... stole. Some stuff. Small stuff too. Like living essentials. And I was caught by the cops and arrested a few times, and now I turned myself around and worked as, like I said, a psychiatrist."
"I ONLY HUNG TWO POEPLE." Shouted Redglare. "THEY BOTH DESERVED IT TOO. AND AS YOU CAN TELL FROM THIS THING I DECIDED TO JUST MAKE MY OUTFIT, I AM REALLY BAD AT IT."
"My job wasn't a lie," said Darkleer, "But It was kinda boring so y...eah. Roboparts all the way."
"I really work at Chuck E. Cheese's." Shouted Highblood. "Man the animatronics."
"Come on!" Eridan said, "Dualscar, you never had any slaves that you... I don't know, killed or something? What's your history with Dolorosa, exactly?"
"We're married." Dualscar said. They both held up their rings.
"Consensually." Dolorosa added. "And he's a part-time accountant."
Condesce sighed. "Believe it or not but I was more or less the bitch to the Great Fuchsian. We're the same age, even, and by that I mean both as eachother and with these other ancestors here. Anyway, we were only gonna discuss it civily with political propaganda, my dirtiest being to photoshop a picture so it looked like she was trying to defecate on a statue, but that was caught as fake really quick."
"I did that!" Psiiioniic finally smiled to say that. Condesce glared at him.
"Anyway, then this Troll Empress - the real really old troll - suddenly went out of hiding and swiped both of our chances away thanks to how the hemospectrum places her above us. Also, we all had to deal with her in a way on Alternia, which is why we didn't see you and instead you have to have stupid animal things rasin' you like they did back in the old times when we trolls were back on our native planet. Anyway while we used to live on Alternia we think it's better to go to your hometown and stuff, and would rather live there, and even have some mover stuff set up. so can you take us? It seems that we need to find a way of transportation, yo."
It went quiet after this. Feferi also looked a bit relieved that her ancestor really wasn't some monster, but still didn't like the part about the photoshopping defecation. That's slander!
After all this exposing, the 24 of them looked off the roof, and the head of Death Mecha was gone! There was a trail dragging it over, and the trail dissapeared into a huge truck that drove off!
After getting back in the tank and driving to the ancestors they asked, "You wanna join?" (Specifically that was Vriska that asked because she was still eager to see her own ancestor the most).
They nodded.
Soon the questions sstarted. Mostly by asked by Karkat.
"OKAY, ERIDAN WAS POSSESSED AND GAMZEE WAS HIT ON THE HEAD. BUT WHY DID YOU START KILLING EVERYBODY VRISKA?"
"I was only trying to live up towards what I thought my ancestor was. But you know what, I'm turning my life around."
"DO YOU MEAN IT?"
"Yes. I do. I'm glad Tavros forgave me. It kind of feels weird, like I got away with what I just did."
"WHAT ABOUT WHEN I STABBED YOU?" Terezi asked.
"Okay Now it doesn't feel weird anymore."
While getting back into drive, THEY WERE ATTACKED BY TUNDRA PEOPLE!
"Oh shit no!" Shouted Redglare, trying to put up the cool front again but failing instantly and just deciding to screw it. "It's Tundra People! They are half human, half rock, half snow!"
Though they weren't bad or anything, they just gave them directions to where Cartman wanted them to go. And then this is where they found FOUR PEOPLE WEARING HISTORICAL OUTFITS! (And there was a weird thing behind them, that looked like carrages and horses to pull them.)
"Oh no!" Shouted Karkat, as he stared them down. They did a dance that intimidated them! Then he was distracted when he briefly thought back of the inn-runner from Hawaii.
"Don't worry!" said Happier Aradia, "I got a combat outfit for this."
And she got into military outfit and gas mask as the four jump flipped on the tank and it was pried open. One of them nodded at the other who dropped a tear, and the tear-dropper jumped in.
Then Aradia was the one to fight the tear-dropper while the others ran into hiding. Now she could see more clearly of her outfit of a breatplate and a grass skirt. Aradia whipped the breast plate and it broke, then she noted something odd at the person's now-exposed boobies. The bigass size. Aradia took off her mask while other trolls started getting out of hiding mostly for perverting.
"Jane?" She asked as she took off the mask.
"Aradia?" 'Jane' confirmed to be Jane as she removed mask too.
Karkat in particular was drooling. First it was because of the Hawaii nudist at the inn who he was thinking about but now it was at Jane.
The ground shook as the tank was in fact ncurrently placed on a cliff!
"You see, some shit happened with our group." Said Aradia. "This tank was parked on a cliff which was unstable, so we're about to fall and I think it's best for you to get the fuck out of here now. We want to stay because we think we can keep the tank."
"By the way," Jane ads. "We're getting three people to join our jury, so I guess you only need one."
"Hrm, good, convenient. The only one available so far is a huge pain in the ass."
Then Jane backflipped out of the tank and the trolls all yelled WOAH as it fell to the ground.
Then the tank fell because it was on a cliff and at this point, in the swamp regions of South Colorodo. They were so close to their goal (in fact the thing they were supposed to attack was right there) but so far. As the tank tumbled, the ancestors and trolls were going "woah... WOAH... woah..." before they landed.
Cartman teleported over to them (using something he got from an episode that is Star Treck parody) and sneered.
"Well well well. They got the jawbreakers delivered but not redirected to me." Then he grinned. "Eh, but you were totally awesome back there. And destroyed Death Mecha, I hated that damn thing. So I'm in the jury, and I won't bug ya' anymore. Although you did fail the mission so I gotta do something against you..."
Then he used a teleported to summon the car and he got out a baseball bat-
"WAIT!" Shouted Sollux, "That's my car! :("
"EITHER THAT OR I SWAP MAH DEAL. I did a nice thing because you were cool, and a mean thing because you still failed the task. Do you want me to keep the car but not go on jury duty? Wait, which is basically me not doing anything at all! Heh heh. Heh heh."
Sollux frowned even more. "Nah, destroy the car."
And as he hit it with a baseball bat, which took a while BTW, Aradia eventually got pestered by Roxy when he was done:
BB: hey aradia wre done so at the next conveinence driev us back to chicao
BB: *hay
AA: sorry but our cars kind of totalled right now!
BB: what?
AA: i think totalled is south park slang for "wrecked"
AA: youre going to have to find another way!
AA: sorry!
AA: *shurg* lol 0u0
AA: no wait
AA: OuO
AA: am gettting the hang of this "typing excitedly" stuff
BB: hey why are you so preppy all of a sudden
AA: oh i just found a new outlook on life in those mountains
AA: it was amazing
- AA ceased pestering BB -
Then Cartman teleported to the jury.
(United Kingdoms of London. 5 or so hours before the trial
(AN: This is based on the wedding thing from How I Met Your Mother's final ninth season))
Cartman teleported over there and found himself alone. His teleportation device also ran out of battery so it powered down and then exploded because it was kind of overpowered.
"Hello? HELLO?"
Lawyer Guy stepped into the room. "There's nobody here but me, a cop, and you. We don't even know who to arrest yet."
Suddenly Mega Man teleported in. Cartman rolled his eyes.
"Ugh! Not THIS loser! I worked with those pansy little 'Rainbow Crew's for THIS?"
"WAIT A MINUTE." Said the cop, who had been holding up a newspaper. He lowered it down and it was... CHEIF WIGGIM FORM CHAPTER 3!
"Rainbow Crew? Eeeeh I tried to kill them for speeding! But ya know what they say, the criminals always return to the scene of the chrime. They don't have reason to go back to Hawaii, if my voice recorder set in their evil treehouse base is any indication, but they DO seem to go to the Grand Canyon a lot... and in fact, that's where some of them are now. But hold on. Where are you from?"
"South Park." Said Cartman.
"LA." Said Mega Man.
Wiggim rubbed his chin. "So that only leaves Peach Creek or the Grand Canyon..."
Sonic sped through the window with Ed and Eddy on his back. "Sorry I might be late," He said, "But I had to run across an entire ocean and I hate water!"
"That was scary as shit." Said Eddy, who was clutching onto Sonic like he was scared. "At one point I saw a whale underneath us. And then I thought, 'if Sonic stops running, how will he start up again?' Because, ya' know, he'll FALL THROUGH THE WATER and he CAN'T SWIM BACK UP and there's NOTHING THAT'LL GET HIM BACK TO THE SURFACE?"
"Eeeeh where are you from?" Asked Wiggim.
"Peach Creek Swamp. All three of us."
"AND I WAS RECRUITED ON THE WAY TO THE GRAND CANYON." Naruto shouted, dropping a camo-sheet he had up. "BUT DON'T WORRY. MY GROUP IS STILL RECRUITING TWO MORE. YOU CAN CATCH THEM THERE IF YOU WANT. OH, I WAS HERE TO BEGIN WITH, BEFORE CARTMAN WAS, AND I WAS JUST PRACTISING MY STEALTH."
"Meh yeah..." Said Wiggim as he rubbed his chin, "Last time I tried fighting them all together, they kicked me ass. So a smarter plan is divice and conquer, especially because since the last time they have at least twelve more added. They're multiplying like crazy too. Who knows how many of them will be if I wait too long?"
Ichigo walked in through the door. "Sorry I'm late. I thought I found the right building, but I didn't. It took me a while to realize this. Shame too, I can go through hell portals and stuff so that makes me fast."
As Wiggim got off his ass, watching something with the Master Chief, Laywer Guy screamed "FOR FUCK'S SAKE, NOBODY'S LATE!"
"Heh heh." Wiggim laughe. "I got it. I found both the speeders AND I know who to arrest so that we can do this stupid jury thing. Hook, line, and sinker."
He got in his cop car and flew it over the to Grand Canyon.
(Really the only significant thing about this scene was Cartman's loss of the teleporter. The uh... Wiggim stuff is TOTALLY NOT SUSPICIOUS ABOUT AT ALL NOPE.)
They were all getting out of a pileup in the tank and prepared to get out. (AN yes Cartman and the car fit in the tank.)
The cliff behind them rumbled. The wall broke down, and it revealed a soldier who tried to cameo himself in paint! And had on a full suit on under that.
"HOLD IT RIGHT THERE!" He cried, "I was part of a group assisgned to attack the enemies at the snow fortress! We're at war, you know! A secret war! And my entire platoon was unknowingly wiped out most of them!"
Nepeta sighed. "When will they learn. Well, I guess-"
"No." Signless said. "We stayed back and made our lives lies for too long. Please, try giving us just one chance to go out and fight for ourselves."
"I'LL FIGHT BY YOUR SIDE." Karkat added. "I HAVE DONE NOTHING FOR THIS QUEST EITHER. I WANT TO CHANGE THAT."
He got back-to-back with his ancestor, and to mirror that Tavros, Gamzee, and Vriska lined up with theirs, because they also didn't do anything heroic in the quest so far.
So then they went out and fought. Handmaid caused a small avelanche, which trapped the soldier's leg long enough for Psiiioniic to use his powers to lift up a chunk of rock, which he and Condesce both got on and flew like a ship into him. This did manage to impale him by the side, but he still nearly blew part of it up. And Condesce took off her trident to try to throw it at his head, but she missed, and as a result he got out a ton of bombs and threw them in the troll pair's direction. All seemed lost until they were both tackled off and saved by Darkleer breaking up a lot more of the rock with a punch.
Sadly, this left him free to unleash hell, since he also had more room and wasn't pinned by Psiiioniic or Handmaid's attacks. As he drew some guns, they were akwardly slapped away by Dualscar, who was clearly nervous. But his wife Dolorosa came in and punched him in the gut, knocking him down and into a puddle that washed away some of the paint. Yeah. Still in a full mask and everything.
Redglare, Mindfang, and Vriska all triple-teamed up to pummel him and try to take off his mask. They did and he wasn't anything special, not even a troll but a human but that's not too relevant. Redglare attempted to hang him, but he kicked away and was mind-controlled by both Mindfang and Vriska.
But then, Summoner kind of messily dove on him. To keep things simple, he did not have wings since Rufioh already does and I don't want the brownblood sets to seem to be related. But Rufioh's ancestor will/did depending on the order you read these. Anyway, the dive missed because neither of them could fly, but that did not stop Summoner from sweep-kicking him (breaking him from the mind trance, another mistake) and Tavros gave him a knock on the head. He ran after that, and may have been fast, but Gamzee and Highblood were faster and blocked his path.
"Tell us everything." Highblood said. "Now."
"Or else..." Gamzee added.
But instead, the guy upper cutted Gamzee. Which got Karkat really pissed! So Disciple and Signless looked at eachother.
"Karkat," Signless said, "Get into my arms. It will be kind of like getting into Jesus's hands or something like that, so it's a cool symbol."
"And he'll be getting into my arms too." Added Disciple. "I am the better thrower, after all."
"WAIT. THROWING?" Karkat asked. "DOES THIS MEAN... I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE GOING TO DO. AND I LIKE IT."
While the mystery guy was overwhelming even Gamzee and... well, Highblood wasn't originally worth mentioning there, but still, with his military skills, Karkat had one arm holding Signless's hand while Disciple took the other arm, and swung him around in circles like possible in Super Mario Sunshine. He was swung until he was just a gray (remember they're still wearing their revealing outfits for the whole chapter) circle blur, then he was shot foreward and landed with his shotgun pointed at the chest of the soldier guy, then Karkat shot him in the heart. He got down on his knee and laughed.
"YOU'RE ALL A BUNCH OF IDIOTS! Our war is still on. You may not survive to see it... on Alternia! BEWARE OF DARK EZ-"
He died before the Serkets could get further into his mind.
"ALTERNIA?" Karkat asked. "AND DID YOU LIVE THERE?"
"Briefly. But that island is brutal." Highblood said, shivering. "We stayed in the States to avoid too much scary stuff."
Suddenly they were cut off when thbey heard the tank's engine running. Everyone who wasn't in the tank ran to it and ran in, and looked to see that Nepeta turned it on.
"HEY! THIS IS CARTMAN'S!" Karkat said.
"Well, he ruined our car, so let's ruin his tank! Eye for an eye. After all, how else can we get back to Chicago? This is the most practical way!"
"BUT THAT'S NOT HOW CARTMAN SEES HOW THIS 'EYE FOR AN EYE' WORKS!"
"Yeah, well fuck him. This is how I see it."
Then she turned the radio onto Green Day Holiday (AN remember how I mentioned THAW in chapter 13? Yeah well this is one of the songs on it so I know about the song) and Vriska slowly snuck up to the radio before Nepeta swiftly grabbed her hand.
"HEY!" She hissed. "Are you the fucking driver?"
"No..." Vriska whimpered, "But I don't like your taste in music."
"Tough shit! I'm driving, we listen to my music!"
As Vrsika shrank back, they heard a thunk! Eridan opened the top of the tank and looked around the cliff area and it looked kind of cool a border from snowy mountains to not snowy forest. Again. Ahead of him was Damara, who seemed to have fallen on the tank from the sky. She waved at him before slipping into the tank.
"So," Damara said, "This tank's pretty kick-ass, isn't it? Mind if I ride with you fuckers to Chicago? Our plane was stolen."
"HOW DO YOU GET AN ENTIRE PLANE STOLEN?" Karkat yelled.
Damara did not answer because that would give away chapter 13 and instead she got between Aradia and Handmaid and put her arms around them.
"Hey cool, a maroonblood sandwitch. Equius, you would like this I think."
But then her flirt was slapsticked when Nepeta took off driving, sending everybody who wasn't Nepeta tossed to the side and hitting the wall of the tank. Nepeta herself opened Pesterchum and began this:
AC: :33 our car was destroyed so we wont be back at the tr33house for a while
GG: thats fine!
GG: did you get your two people?
AC: :33 we only n33ded one beclaws it turns out team four got thr33
AC: :33 what about you?
GG: we have two out of three done!
AC: :33 hahaha you need to sp33d up
AC: :33 i think team four is done
GG: well thats easy for you to say when you only have one person to get!
AC: :33 again team four is done
GG: bluh!
GG: sorry nepeta i cant stand getting messed with because im kind of having a bad day
AC: :33 oh shit!
AC: :33 sorry!
AC: :33 unless youre lying like our ancestors did!
GG: hm you found your ancestors we found our guardians...
GG: somethings not right about that...
GG: ill ask john and see if he knows the answer...
And the conversation ended and the troll decendants (bar Damara, Nepeta, Tavros, and Vriska) looked at Tavros and Vriska.
"Hey if you're dating..." said Gamzee, "Mind if I join, since I did in fact have a crush on Tavros all along!"
"Yeah!" Vriska shouted, "Let's make this a threesome!"
Then Kakrat tried to join in without any of them noticing because he wanted to see more of Vriska's butt then Tavros and Vriska grabbed him in and then they became a foursome.
"DUDE KARKAT, I HAVE A CRUSH ON YOU IF YOU DIDN'T FORGET! LET ME DIVE IN!" Terezi yelled, and they accepted while Nepeta turned around and was like "Oh hell no she did not..."
Then Kanaya was like "THIS IS FOR YOU EDWARD! FUCK YOU!" And jumped in the makeout pile and now it was six.
Then Eridan was feeling lonely and joined in and Feferi did too to try to cheer him up and Aradia was like "KISSING PARTY!" and jumped in and Sollux did too and now it was at a whopping ten.
Then Equius walked in the middle and tried to confess to Aradia while she was kissing Eridan but got lost in the pile and suddenly had Kanaya's tongue up his nose (by accident you fucking perverts), now it was eleven.
"TEREZI NO YOU DON'T!" Nepeta said before jumping in and the trolls silently accepted her.
The ancestors all looked on akwardly.
"I feel like I shouldn't be watching this." Mindfang said. "This is kind of creeping me out."
"Um... Sollux at least," Psiiioniic said, "Say, you think I'm a totally cool awesome BADASS like I really am, right?"
"Oh yeah. In fact, all of you have... potential. You still need to work up yourselves. Overall, you still can't be total dorks."
Disciple kind of giggled and said "This is kind of sweet, don't be ashamed of our descendants finding so much success in love Mindfang."
Meanwhile, Damara facepalmed.
"HEY!" She shouted, "WHO THE HELL IS DRIVING?"
The tank was still going and it ramped off ANOTHER cliff and then this freeze-framed and a narrator said "Well first they were in a makeout sandwitch, but now these trolls are about to be in a sandwitch because they will be CRUSHED togehter? Will they survive?" Get it because it's Dukes of Hazard but with a tank. And thus the chapter had to cliffhanger-
Nah they just fell into an abandoned hospital which cushioned their fall and were all dizzy but otherwise fine. Then they raced to the wheel but Nepeta ended up regrabbing it, and she turned it from Redneck Dukes of Hazard music (which is what Vriska put on) back to Holiday and flexed out her hands.
"Okay, this time we get back to Chicago from Coloroda in a tank."
END OF SEASON FOUR, IF YOU READ THIS ONE LAST.
Closing AN:
Yeah, I wanted to swap around the screentime/roles of the trolls. Also I'm probably one of the few people who made Nepeta more badass than the animal-killer she is in canon. She can now do parkour, and save six people who are falling at the same time. Oh, and the Derse dreamers were all originally going to have backstories told in the same matter as Aradia's, before I decided... nah. And even in the Great Typo Cleanup... nah. Let the pair of troll chapters be sillier than the human chapters.
That Jaws thing mentioned when DM tilted the building was true to me, actually. I saw Sonic in Jaws before finishing this chapter's rough draft and editing it (yes, I even look through and edit SBIG before getting it out).
And that Karkat-inn runner crush was also kind of shoved in, it wasn't added until I was editting the part of the ancestor's outfits. In fact, for the first scene I searched "Karkat" and tagged in a reference to the inn runner on the first result, and the other two were added while I was finalizing this. Or that's how it went for the old version. This might be outdated.
So I was very very briefly considering on ending this chapter on a cliffhanger, which will be resolved at the beginning of season five. But I don't even have an estimate as to when I should start season five, so that wouldn't be resolved for a while. They were going to crash into a hospital anyway, but that wouldn't have been revealed until chapter fifteen.
MILD SPOILERS FOR CHAPTER 11, MAYBE:
The Aradia-Jane conversation was originally written in chapter 11 where by this point, half of the trolls were already dead. Their revival would have been after they crashed on the ground. You know, originally the ancestors/guardians wouldn't have been in this season, and neither would Death Mecha and the other guys who were Millennium members in Sweet Jade and Hella John but not in Hecksing/Hellsing (bar Cartman and Waterwraith; they were planned to be in since the beginning), but now that I think about it that would get rid of some variety for this season, and make it harder to tell seasons 4-7 apart from seasons 1-3. On a... "feel" sort of level, if that makes sense to you.
END SPOILERS.
HANDLES:
GCAT People (Originals): GG is Jade, GC is Terezi, GA is Kanaya, GT is John. CG is Karkat, CC is Feferi, CA is Eridan, CT is Equius. AG is Vriska, AC is Nepeta, AA is Aradia, AT is Tavros. TG is Dave, TC is Gamzee, TA is Sollux, and TT is Rose. So, the usual.
EDIB People (Act 6-Newcomers): EE is Jake, ED is Latula, EI is Porrim, EB is Jane. DE is Kankri, DD is Meenah, DI is Cronus, DB is Horuss. IE is Aranea, ID is Meulin, II is Damara, IB is Rufioh. BE is Dirk, BD is Kurloz, BI is Mituna, and BB is Roxy. I myself am not sure what they stand for. It's sure as hell not what they stood for in SJAHJ, though, those trolltags/chumhandles were terrible.
