Chapter 10 - CPOV

Anastasia Steele. God damnit! Just thinking of her name sends me in a frenzy of frustration. My fist slams hard against my wood desk, leaving surge of pain. Shit! My shaking finger tips run through my hair. I've never thought I'd be in this situation. It wasn't supposed to turnout this way.

I nearly fell on my hands and knees when I walked into my office. I couldn't think, speak, do anything. I can't get her out of my head; she is beautiful and a reincarnation of my sister. What I saw before me was impossible. I was seeing a ghost –my sister. But there was something about her that seemed unmistakably familiar.

She clumsily fell, causing all of her belongings to scatter across the floor. My inner gentleman instincts brought me to her aid. And that's when I discovered that unmistakably familiar something turned out to be the exact reason my sister is not on this earth today when she rolled up her sweater's sleeves. It didn't take long for her to notice my palpable stare. Our eyes met and all I could think was fuck me! Ana's eyes were a piercing blue that were hypnotic.

But an opportunity is knocking at my door and I am going to take it. Elena has helped me see my mission through. Later that day when Miss Steele came into my office and I saw her faded scars I called her. She and I are on a first name basis but it stops there. We're business partners, nothing more although she thinks otherwise. I don't cross the line of business and pleasure – two different worlds that will never become unified. She knows the reason as to why I am a psychology professor. We don't keep secrets from each other. When we met it didn't take long before we got to business. She is the type of woman who gets straight to the point and I like that, saves time. And time is money.

That's what she wants out of this. While I want answers she wants the fortune. Our plan? I would dissect and manipulate the mind of someone who has experience with self-harm. With all the research I would formulate my hope is to find out if the reason why my sister took her own life was mental. My sister, Mia didn't leave behind anything to conclude her reason of suicide.

Elena is an author and has published national bestseller. Being a determined woman I am not surprised to all of her success. But one of her worst qualities is being greedy. She always wants more – to be better, richer, and more successful.

The phone call was short lived. I told her about the girl. Not giving her name at the time because at that moment she was just a project to me. She only told me one thing which I have already failed at. Do not get attached. And I wasn't. Each day I met her all I saw was just a pretty face, nothing more. Just a girl that has all the answers. Answers I've been searching for, for over –well just way too long.

Elena later then invited me to dinner to celebrate. Although I didn't consider using a girl to get what we wanted by telling lies and manipulating her was something to celebrate about, no wasn't a word she is very fond of. As usual she was very flirtatious, not caring who saw her sensual acts.

We headed out and like all the other times I've been out with Elena she invited me to come over. Knowing what that entailed I declined. Rejection is one hard pill to swallow for her but she is going to have to get used to get when it comes to me. Since she was my ride home, I walked home that night. I didn't live far so it was nice to be alone and take everything in. Everything I have worked for was finally falling into place.

Only a few blocks away from my house, I stumbled upon what appeared to be a couple up against a local club's wall performing an indiscreet act in the distance. God teenagers these days. I closer I got the more I saw that not only was the situation coerced but the female pushed up against the wall and being violated was in fact Ana.

Fortunately, I kept my twitching palm stowed even with some resentment from the fucker. He was lucky I didn't have to turn the boy's face inside out. Ana was shaken up and not from the cold night air. I gave her my jacket and we talked. It was nice. She is so strong willed and I couldn't help but love her smart mouth. Do not get attached .Elena's words cleared my head of any attachment I might have been forming. She is just a girl I told myself. I am doing this for Mia.

It was getting late but before I left, I told her to meet me for coffee as a repayment. She offered to buy me a drink from the club but it was already do late I had to decline. I knew it could be my ticket to gain her trust. The first step onto finally getting my answers. I saw her smile and I knew she had nonverbally mutely accepted.

When I got her email just thirty minutes before I headed to the coffee shop I wanted to through something breakable against the wall. But I couldn't lose my cool. I composed myself and I purposely didn't' reply to her email. I always love having the upper hand.

It was about eight twenty when I heard her voice. To my surprise she was dressed in a uniform instead of her usual casual clothing. She works here. I thought. Everything from that moment on lead me to believe I fucked up. That in less than twenty four hours I ruined my only chance at getting what I wanted. But what I forgot was who I was to her. Who I could be to her – a teacher, a mentor, a confidant.

I gave her my card and let her decide on her own. At that moment she was in control of my fate. A feeling I would never want to experience again. And luckily I didn't have to. She showed up that very night. However that didn't stop me from having my doubts. I called Elena to tell her that I had failed. That we were done, ruined. But of course her stubborn self wouldn't let me give up. She even came to the conclusion that if all else failed that we would force her into giving up the information we desired. I laughed thinking she was kidding but through my teary filled eyes I could see her face. Full of stern seriousness. My laughter stopped. I was seeing a totally different side of Elena that I didn't know existed. And to be honest I, Christian Grey was timid.

She left with the last words of "Get it done." I noticed her standing just outside my doorway talking to someone but I couldn't fully recognize who. My curiosity won and drives me to find out who held mystery voice. When I do, my eyes are graced to see Ana. Her eyes lock with mine and I can't help but sense my control slipping. What is she doing to me was all I could think of.

Everything after that was such a blur. All I could remember was Elena's lips slamming against mine for an unneeded amount of time. Her intentions quickly became clear to me. I had to admit she is one smart woman. Just moments before she had came up with a method for me to win over not just Ana but her heart as well. The kiss was to make her jealous, although I knew Elena was in a win-win situation. It is well known to me that she has been dying to do that since we've met.

The rest of the night I was just a mess but I don't let it show. I didn't prepare myself enough for how to handle this – her. I find out she came to do what Elena and I hoped for. Although I play it off well –being the deadpan snarky ass I am I still don't think I was ready. I thought I was but seeing her reminded me of my sister. The night plays off how I suspected it to go. Nowhere. I get nothing out of her. Which in fact is what I wanted. I need her trust. And who can you confide in someone you can't truth wholeheartedly? I told her when my office hours are in hope she came back to see me. She does and I couldn't help but feel joy. An emotion I hadn't truly felt in years. Do not get attached. Those retched words filled my mind. But I couldn't help but agree with them. I had a goal and I needed to fulfill it.

She told me everything with hesitation yes but she tells me the truth. Not leaving out a single point. To this day I can't help but wonder why that was. She trusted me so easily. No doubts just the utter most confidence I would take her secrets to my grave. And I would. Her name was safe, her friends, and family. But the facts the information she was giving me? Well those I am going to have to take.

That was all on Wednesday. I wouldn't see her for another week. Which I was glad about. I had time to soak everything in. Get a new mind set. Rediscover my motive and intentions for all of this. It only takes be a few days to wipe out all the grief I was previously feeling before. I had Elena help me a little as well. She can be very convincing – well more like manipulative but it was for all the right reasons. Ana was now just someone I saw as a patient. Someone who I was just using and when I was done with her I would cut all ties and walk away clean. No guilt. Just my answers.

Then on Saturday night at the gala I lost it all. All self control I even forgot why I was doing what I was doing in the first place. I almost didn't recognize her when I saw her. She was beautiful. More than beautiful. No words could describe her beauty.

My eyes were glued to her figure. Her dress hugged her body in all the right places which makes me suck in a raged breathe as I noticed her cleavage was in perfect view. God I was horny teenager all over again.

When I composed myself I pulled my date, Elena onto the dance floor. Yes, I brought her as I date. Being alone at such an important event didn't settle with me. My family couldn't make it for god knows what so I invited her to come with me. She was already invited being such a known citizen and professor but I knew coming with her would help with making the night less excruciating.

"Stop staring. It's creepy." I said as we swayed to the melody of instrumental music.

"Beautiful isn't she?"

"I don't know what you mean."

"Oh cut the act! You've been staring at her like a lovesick puppy since she walked in."

I was saved from not wanting to give an answer when the dance called for switching partners. I had Ana in might sights and I was determined to get one dance with her. And I did. When our hands touched the electric current I felt so many times before coursed through me and I couldn't get enough.

I wanted to ask her if she felt it –the spark but I know she did. She did the first time we touched. It was like wildfire. The feeling was like a fire set ablaze and it wouldn't stop. No amount of water could weaken it and no amount of time could let it burnout.

That's when I knew I needed to be alone with her. I couldn't control whatever this was between us. Maybe it was just a phase. I thought. That once I got her out of my system I could finally focus on what was important. And that's what I did. I asked her to meet me upstairs in twenty minutes and I left. I didn't worry about telling Elena where I was going because she was preoccupied. When I say preoccupied I mean dragging a guy into the nearest closed door to have her way with him.

I went upstairs to the point of rendezvous. I could feel my heart ramming against my chest. That never happens. How could one girl make me feel that way? When I found the designated room, I walked in and paced the floor. Thoughts of her not coming filled my mind. God I was being pathetic. What the fuck was wrong with me?

A couple of agonizing minutes later Ana walked in and all the air in my lungs left my body. She was breathtaking. If I thought my self control was slipping then it most definitely has spiraled out of my power now.

And then it happened. I slowly stood up, moving robotically like I was checked out. My lips then met hers in a perfect rhythm, and my hands were on each side of hips clinging her tightly to me. However I was being very gentle with her, fearing that I would break this fragile woman in front of me. I could feel her body shaking, both of the adrenaline, and the fact that I had caught her off-guard.

Our lips parted and I could hear her heart beating so fast it was almost hurting my ears. We were both breathless now, and I let my thumbs stroke her cheek as I pulled away, trying the best I could to convince myself that this was not a dream. She had kissed me back. She had kissed me. But the worse thing was that I initiated the kiss. I, an educator violating the terms and rules of the policy handbook I signed when I became a professor at WSUV.

After I realized what I had done I went into panic mode. I started to beg – something I have never done because I've never had to. Luckily I didn't have do much for her to wave off the situation like it never happened. But when I opened the room's door I knew I would never forget what occurred in that room. Elena had caught us, me doing the last thing on earth I was supposed to be doing. I could tell in her eyes she knew I had lost sight of what I truly was supposed to be doing with Ana. So my only choice was to be the bad guy – play it off enough to make it seem like I did have her best interests in mind even though I could care less about our deal.

I told, more like yelled at Ana to go. She was reluctant at first but then slowly left, but I knew she was hurt I just hope she knew I was only trying to protect her.

"Look at the mess you have made." Elena said as she made a tisking sound. I want to roll my eyes, but she isn't too fond on disrespect. And my head would be on the chopping block if she caught me doing so.

"I have everything under control. There is nothing to worry about. I've just had a minor setback." It was the truth and without saying so she would have seen right through me.

"She is clouding your judgment Christian. She will ruin you if you let her. Remember why you are doing this. Who you're doing this for. You've come so far and I would hate to see you lose it all for one girl who is just another obstacle you have to get past. I know you'll do the right thing. If not for you then for your sister." Each one of her words dug deeper, taking permanent residence, making home in the deepest corners of my mind.

So now I am here, in my office, wallowing in the dark, at a standstill. My conscience is pulling to two different sides. Both choices making my heart to break. I just wish time could stand still so I wouldn't have to bare this contemplation that is killing me from the inside out. My love for my sister motivated my life's work that I currently hold but the feeling I have for Ana I can no longer conceal. I don't truly know what these feelings are or what I mean but I know they are there.

I still want answers. And that only person that can give them to me is Ana. She can't know anything. Not my involvement with Elena or my past. It would only drive a wedge between us. Her trust in me would be broken and so would I. And in the end everyone loses. Yet the one who suffers the most is me.