A/N:
I don't own the characters, I just play with them . No copyright infringement intended.
Mood music: Patience, Guns N' Roses
12. Lights Are Shining Bright
Even though the blinds are closed, the lights are still on in the diner, and Jess leans against the tree and just looks at them for a while. It's late and the town is deserted, there's only the soft sound of crickets coming from the park, and he just stands there and takes in the surroundings.
He never really made a conscious decision to come back; he walked into the bus depot and bought the ticket automatically - it was like laughing when being tickled, or scratching when something itched – he just did it, without thinking, instinctively. Once the bus started moving, his mind finally started to work and slowly process all the implications and consequences, but somehow all he could really think about was that he was finally going home. Suddenly there were no doubts in his mind that there was no other place he should be going, and there were no thoughts past that, no thoughts of what it means to return, no thoughts of the mess that he knew he left there, no thoughts of Luke or Rory – there was nothing but a wonderful feeling of closure, of reaching the end of this long and winding road he'd been travelling. Now he's here and he's surprised how calm he feels, surprised that there's not even the smallest inkling to run, surprised how good it feels to just stand here and look at those lights and know he's arrived, regardless of what may happen when he walks into the diner.
He moves slowly and crosses the street, still looking at the lights; he reaches the door and the sign says Closed. He knows the door isn't locked, because Luke only locks up after he turns off the lights. Still, as he reaches for the door, there's a moment of hesitation and he feels his heart skip a beat; he takes a deep breath and pushes it open. There's a sound overhead that signals the door opening, and it startles him, but as he recognizes it, he just closes the door behind him and leans his back against the glass.
"We're closed!"comes Luke's voice from somewhere in the back and Jess knows he's probably in the storage room. He thinks that he should say something but suddenly can't find his voice, so he just lets his eyes roam over the familiar space, taking in all the details he remembers and amazed how utterly unchanged everything is. Only the tiles on the floor are new and suddenly there's a flashback of Rory, sitting on the table and smiling brightly, swinging her feet over the dust and hammers on the floor. He's completely unprepared for the image and it shakes him up; he wonders if she'd been in here today and looks around quickly, half-expecting to find signs of her presence. His mind still focused on her, it catches him by surprise when Luke appears in the doorway across the room, holding two jars of pickles.
There's a very loud silence as they look at each other; Luke's stare is firm and unreadable, and Jess cowers slightly under it. He straightens up and pushes his hands into his pockets, but doesn't look away.
"You're back," Luke says; it's not a question but a declaration of fact. He sets the jars on the counter and props himself against it, studying Jess's face. It is a very concentrated and searching look, but it is impossible to say what's going on behind it, and Jess feels very naked under it. He suddenly realizes it's his turn to say something.
"Yeah." The word comes out somewhat croaked and he clears his throat.
Luke nods his head but the look in his eyes doesn't change. "Are you staying?"
Jess shrugs. "That's the general idea", he says and pushes his hands deeper inside his pockets.
The look in Luke's eyes grows harder; he shakes his head and Jess suddenly feels himself break out in cold sweat at the gesture. Luke walks around the counter slowly and stands in front of him.
"No, Jess, no more general ideas." He crosses his arms on his chest. "You're either staying or you're not. You don't get to drop in, make a mess, and then run away again."
The glare continues but Jess returns it without flinching. "I'm done running," he says, and there's a long silence again.
Luke finally nods his head. "Good. Glad to hear it. But just so you know…" Luke leans in closer and stares him down with conviction, "…if you run again, I swear to you now, I'll find you and haul your ass back here so fast you won't know what hit you. Got it?"
Jess stares back into his eyes and there's determination there that he hasn't seen before. He nods his head. "Yeah, got it." There's another second of staring and then Luke steps away and returns to the counter and the pickles. He moves them aside and begins refilling the ketchup bottles. Jess stands there and watches him silently, not quite sure what do to with himself. He knows the worst is over but he still somehow can't move; he suddenly feels an enormous amount of guilt settle over him and there's an urge to say something, but he can't find the words. Eventually, Luke seems to sense this, and he puts the ketchup down and looks at him again.
"What's up, Jess? You look like you're having an aneurism." The look in his eyes is softer now, and there's a hint of a smile on his face, and Jess relaxes a little.
"An aneurism would be a significant improvement right now," he says and finally moves, walking over to the counter. He sits down, reaches for the ketchup and starts refilling the bottles, but soon he sets them aside and looks at Luke again, trying to form the words he needs to get out, but it seems like an impossible mission. Luke watches him torment himself for a while, but eventually grows tired of it.
"I get it, Jess. You're an idiot." He almost laughs at the expression on his nephew's face. "Hopefully, you'll grow out of it eventually." He shrugs. "For now, just the fact that you're back shows an unexpected intellectual break-through, and who knows, in time, there might be others." He gives Jess a pointed look and sighs. "But I'm not holding my breath."
Jess gives him an agitated look. "Not exactly the phrasing I'd have chosen, but..."
"… but it captures the gist, so let's just leave it at that," says Luke and smirks at him. "You want to eat something?" Jess shakes his head no. "Okay, then take your stuff upstairs, and good luck finding the sheets for your bed, because I have no idea where they are." Luke returns to the ketchup, but the bell sounds again - the door opens and Lorelai walks in.
"Any chance of getting a coffee? It's been one exhausting, freaky, weird Friday…", she says as she closes the door; she turns around and looks up just as Jess turns on the barstool. She stares at him for a minute and then continues, "…and it just crossed into a whole new dimension of ...well, unbeliavable, really." She walks to the counter slowly and settles on a barstool on the far end. "Hey, Jess." She looks at Luke. "Forget the coffee; is there any hard liquor around?"
Luke ignores the last question and slides a mug down to her, pointing to the coffee pot next to her elbow, then he gives her a pointed look. "Are you alone?"
She laughs. "Wow, didn't you hear what I just said? Freaky, weird Friday and so on? Crossed into unbeliavable?" She shakes her head. "Nope, not alone. Rory's parking the car."
Jess can feel her eyes on him, and he makes it a point to stare at the counter, but that doesn't help much now that it's clear that Rory will be walking through that door any minute. His heart beats so loudly in his ears that he's certain both Luke and Lorelai can hear it and for the second time in the last hour, he breaks out in cold sweat. He didn't think it would all happen so fast, he didn't know he would see her so soon, he hasn't had time to plan or prepare for it, and he's not ready. It suddenly occurs to him that he could just go upstairs, and it's like he's seen the light after the longest of tunnels.
"Hey Luke, I think I'm just going to take my stuff upstairs", he croaks out, but as he starts to move, Luke grabs him by the arm and it's like his grip is made of steel. "I thought you were done running", he says and leans in. "Just sit and face the music."
Lorelai pours her coffee. "This should be good," she sighs and wraps her fingers around the mug. Luke lets go of Jess and returns to the ketchup again, and it seems to Jess that the three of them sit there in silence for ages before he hears the door open and the bell sound again.
"Is there still coffee?" Rory asks breathlessly as she closes the door. There's just silence behind her; feeling something's not right, she turns around and instantly, she knows it's him; not just by sight, but by a combination of senses, all of which instinctively recognize him and there's that strange pull again, the one that always wakes inside her when she's close to him.
"Jess." The word comes out, but really, it's more of a breath, and she wants to bite her tongue for letting it escape, but it's too late, it's out there now. It works its magic and he turns around and looks at her.
Time stops and the world fades; there's just the two of them and the universe between them. He looks at her and thinks she's beautiful, much more beautiful than he remembers; a familiar fire spreads through him, and again, it amazes him how it always reaches places within him that he didn't even know existed. His mouth dries and his heart beats wildly in his ears, and he wonders how he ever found the strength to walk away from her, because he knows now he never wants to let her out of his sight again. He searches her face carefully, looking for hints of thoughts and feelings behind her eyes, but there's something alien there, something removed and distant, something he doesn't recognize. Her face tells a different story; she's pale and her features are somehow distorted and it takes him just a moment to realize it's pain, and to know that he put it there. He wishes with all his heart that they were alone and that he could say or do something to make it go away.
His eyes are dark but there's a familiar gentle look inside them that brings back memories of laughter and kissing; her heart skips a beat and her throat closes as they float around her head. It hasn't diminished, this twisted hold he has over her, it hasn't become any lesser over all that time and pain that stands between them, and it makes her want to scream. He looks the same, only thinner; for a fleeting moment she forgets it all and she just wants to walk over there and touch him, just to make sure he's really there, but she can't – she can't let herself do that, because if she touches him, it's over and she'll love him all over again, and she doesn't want to love him anymore. She doesn't want him to know she ever did, so she looks away from him, because he knows her too well and she's afraid that in a second, he'll see right through her.
Neither of them speak, and the silence stretches forever, with his eyes fixed on her and hers glued to the floor, until she feels her eyes burn and knows she can't take anymore; she knows he's watching because there's tingles running down her spine. Her eyes lift and find Lorelai's; there's a silent plea in the look she gives her mother before she turns and walks out of the diner. Lorelai sets her mug down and catches Luke's eye briefly as she slides down from her stool. She starts for the door, but on her way she stops next to Jess and lays her hand on his shoulder, squeezing it slightly, and it's only as she touches him that he looks away from the spot where Rory had stood. "It's good to have you back, Jess", she says simply and gives him a small smile before she walks out.
She finds Rory in the car around the corner, curled in the front seat, her hands wrapped around her knees; her eyes are dry but the look on her face is beyond description. Lorelai sits next to her and leans on the steering wheel; she studies her daughter's face for a minute before she gently tucks Rory's her hair behind her ear.
"Are you okay?" she asks quietly.
Rory shakes her head. "No." She looks out of the window. "I don't think I even remember what okay feels like."
"Do you want to talk about it?"
Rory shakes her head again. "No, not right now." She looks at Lorelai sadly. "Can we just go home?"
"Sure," Lorelai nods and gives her a small smile.
They drive in silence, and it accompanies them into the house; in the hallway, Rory kisses her mother and retreats to her room, closing the door behind her. Sadly, Lorelai watches her go and her heart goes out to her, but she knows there's nothing she can do to help Rory with this, not until Rory is ready to talk about it and Lorelai knows it may take a while until she gets to that point. She turns off the lights and casts another glance at Rory's door before she slowly climbs the stairs to her bedroom.
…………..
A few streets away, Luke has given up on the ketchup and is watching Jess stare at the counter-top. After Lorelai walked out, he turned on his stool again and hung his head, and hasn't moved since. The scene is getting old and Luke walks over and leans on the counter opposite him.
"Jess, it's been twenty minutes, and I'm getting really tired of staring at you stare at that counter."
There's no response, and Luke scratches his head. "Come on, get your stuff, let's go upstairs and find you some sheets. It's getting late."
Again, there's no response, and no reaction whatsoever. Luke decides on a different approach and his tone is much softer when he speaks again.
"What did you think would happen? Did you think she would walk through that door and run into your arms?" It works instantly and Jess is looking at him now. Luke shakes his head. "You've been gone for months, Jess. It doesn't work that way."
Jess gives him an annoyed look. "Thanks for pointing out the obvious," he says but he still doesn't move.
"Any time. And here's another gem for you; sitting here, staring into space, feeling sorry for yourself, pining and moaning? Stupid and pointless, so get a grip and move it."
"I wasn't moaning!" Jess shoots back and gives him dirty look.
"Oh, sorry, my mistake – then it was just the sitting, staring, pining and feeling sorry for yourself? Because really, that's much better."
Jess rolls his eyes. "I forgot how sweet and lovable you are."
"Yeah, I missed your priceless personality and sunny disposition as well," Luke says as he walks over to the door and locks it. He turns off the lights and picks up Jess's backpack, then grabs Jess by his jacket and pulls him off the chair, steering him towards the stairs. "Come on, lover-boy, you can pine upstairs too, and I'm going to bed."
They climb up the stairs and walk into the apartment, and Jess stops and looks around, cataloguing the changes. There are none, except there are a few boxes and a pile of clean clothes on his bed. He loses track of Luke for a minute and it surprises him when he appears and shoves a pillow and some sheets into his arms, then walks into the kitchen.
"I thought you didn't know where to find these," he calls after Luke with a smirk.
Luke ignores the comment and points to the bed. "Just move the clothes to the sofa and put the boxes on the floor and you'll be fine."
Jess walks to the bed and sets the sheets and the pillow down; then he turns to Luke. "I think I'll have a shower first."
Luke shrugs. "Sure, whatever."
Jess starts for the bathroom, but stops half-way there and looks at Luke again. "Do you have a shirt I can borrow?" He looks away. "I'm kind of short on clean clothes."
For a moment, Luke is taken aback, but he recovers quickly and nods towards his bedroom. "Sure, help yourself." As he watches Jess return with a shirt and close the bathroom door behind him, for the first time he dares to imagine Jess's life in the last months; he wonders where he slept and what he ate, where he showered and what he did for money. His heart clenches and he's suddenly overwhelmed with guilt for making him leave and annoyed with himself for being so stupid to think Jess would just go back to his mother. He slowly walks over to Jess's bed and moves the clothes to the sofa and the boxes to the floor, then reaches for the sheets and spreads them over the bed. He pulls the pillow-case over the pillow and sets it down, then finds a blanket and spreads it over the sheets. He returns to the kitchen just as Jess comes out of the bathroom and walks over to the bed. He notices Luke's already set it up, but just as he opens his mouth, Luke runs the water at the sink and starts rinsing out some dishes. Jess just smiles to himself, turns the lamp on his nightstand off and crawls under the covers, and it feels good; it feels good to be in this room and in this bed, and it feels good to hear Luke stomping around the kitchen. He revels in the feeling for a moment, but it's a short moment because his mind soon goes to her and the heat that swallowed him earlier returns immediately; but then he remembers her face and the look in her eyes, and the heat is quickly replaced by frosty fingers of fear as he recalls the pain he saw there and wonders if she'll even give him the chance to try and drive it away.
He's so wrapped up in his own thoughts that it startles him when he opens his eyes and finds Luke sitting in the chair next to his bed, and he sits up with a jerk. He shakes his head and takes a breath. "What's up with the creeping? You almost gave me a heart attack!"
"Yeah, sorry about that." Luke looks at him for a moment, then scratches his head.
Jess waits for him to say something, but nothing happens. "I thought you wanted to go to bed," he says.
Luke nods. "I did. I just started thinking, and ..well..." He looks at Jess. "We need to talk."
Jess sighs and drops back into his pillow. "If this is going to be about school and a new set of rules, can it please wait until tomorrow?"
Luke looks startled, but he quickly shakes his head. "It's not about that." Jess sits up again and there's another silence, and just as he tries to think of something to say, Luke finally breaks it.
"I'm sorry I kicked you out, Jess." He says quietly. "I shouldn't have done that."
For a moment, Jess can't believe what he's hearing, and his mouth drops as the words echo in his head; he's so dumbstruck that he just stares at Luke and it takes him a small eternity to find his voice again.
"That's okay," he says and suddenly he feels guilty and ashamed. "You were right, I was an idiot." He shrugs his shoulders and looks away. "I'm hoping I'm somewhat less of an idiot now."
A smile crosses Luke's face but it fades quickly. "Still, you were just a kid who screwed up, and I handled it all wrong." He shakes his head. "I thought you'd just go back to New York. It never crossed my mind you'd go all the way to California, and then God knows where else from there."
Jess looks at him and the guilt hits harder when he recognizes the same feeling in Luke's eyes. "Luke, I'm fine. It wasn't that bad."
Luke nods. "Yeah, but still – I shouldn't have kicked you out."
There's another silence and Jess knows he can't let Luke beat himself up over this anymore, but that means he'll have to explain things he's rather not mention now that they're finally behind him. He sinks back into the pillows and runs his hands through his hair, so very unwilling to dig through the past again but at the same time aware he owes Luke at least that much.
"I didn't leave because you kicked me out. I knew I was leaving when I walked back in here that afternoon, long before we got into that fight." He can sense the unspoken question hang in the air, and he doesn't wait for Luke to ask it. "Stuff happened to me in New York before I came here, stuff that I couldn't face and didn't know how to deal with, so I just ignored it. But something happened that afternoon..." his eyes close and there's a flash of her face and the horror in it, and he cringes, "..that made me realize that I can't ignore it anymore, because…someone.. might get hurt if I didn't deal with it." He takes a deep breath, sits up and looks at Luke again. "That's why I left. To deal."
Luke looks at him and it is a probing look that searches his eyes and his face, but Jess has no problem holding it and no intention to look away, and so they gaze at each other for a long minute before Luke speaks again.
"And did you?", he asks. "Deal?" Jess just nods, and Luke continues. "It took you a long time."
Jess nods again. "You have no idea."
"You want to talk about it?"
"I just did," Jess shrugs and Luke knows there will be no specifics, but suddenly realizes he doesn't need them.
"Okay," he says and slowly gets up from the chair. He watches Jess sit there for another moment and then starts walking to his bedroom.
"Luke?"
He turns around; Jess is still sitting there, watching him walk away.
"Thanks," he says quietly. Luke smiles and walks into his bedroom, closing the door.
…………….
She lays in her bed and stares at the ceiling, trying to restore some order in her head. He's back, she repeats to herself for what feels like the hundredth time but she still can't wrap her head around it; it's like her brain has acknowledged the fact, but somehow lacks the capacity to process it. On the other hand, her heart has no such problems; it beats just as wildly now as it did when she stood in the diner earlier.
Unwillingly, she thinks about tomorrow, about seeing him again and talking to him, and at the same time, she's excited and scared to death of that conversation; just looking at him today for those few moments brought on so many conflicting feelings that she feels like she's split down the middle. There's one part of her that is wildly happy - the gentle look in his eyes was familiar and there was such longing in it, and as she remembers it, her heart beats faster and warmth spreads through her; but the other part of her screams for caution, warning her she's been down that road before and reminding her that if she takes it again, there are likely mountains of pain ahead. She knows she can't go there; she's ripped herself into pieces over him so many times in the last months that she's sure if she does it again, she won't be able to put herself back together.
She hugs her pillow closer when she feels the tears burn in her eyes, and again wishes he never left, wishes these past months never happened and she could just walk into Luke's in the morning and hold him close and feel his arms close around her. But he did leave and he destroyed it all and now that she's known that pain, now that she's seen how it can become the bigger part of her and render everything else insignificant, she can't let herself get torn by it again.
The tears are hot and salty, and as they carry her off to sleep, there's a shy, tiny voice in her head that whispers those lines he wrote in the book, those lines that had so much love in them that they broke her heart because she thought he wasn't coming back and at that time, they seemed cruel; but he's back now, the voice whispers, and those words, maybe they weren't cruel at all, maybe they were just honest.
