Title: Go Fish
Author: landofthekwt
Rating M
Universe: Crossover LOTR/Inuyasha
Pairing: Naraku/Sauron A Giftfic for Madmiko
Warning: Tentacles may hazardous to your mental health.
Summary: Sauron and Narakau play a game of Go Fish as Therapy.
A scream was heard in one of the ovens on lowest level of Naraka where two beings were playing Go Fish as part of their therapy to change their karma. The lidless eye cackled at the floating head. who responded with a ku ku ku. They had been betting on which person being baked in the oven for eternity would scream first. As Sauron explained it when someone is pain everybody wins.
They had been playing for an eternity but neither seemed to making any progress. Just when Sauron thought he was winning Naraku would call out the cards that he was saving. Once he had even caught him looking a little girl in a white dress behind. He thought that he caught the flash of a mirror, but when he looked back it was gone.
Fortunately, he could always recall the cards to his hand by simply changing one of the cards so that it matched the cards in Naraku's hand. It would not be so bad if Naraku did not say " ku ku ku everytime he took any of Saurons' s cards. Sometimes he thought Naraku must have mental powers. Maybe it was the demon head floating over Naraku's head that triggered his suspicions.
" What are we playing for anyway for anyway"
Naraku pulled out a keychain with a plastic jewel and the words " Sunset Shrine" emblazoned on it. Sauron shook his head.
" Could I interest you in a ring?"
Naraku looked through the selection, but decided that he did not need to be controlled at the moment.
" I notice that you are missing your ring finger."
" I was just flashing Isuldur the "We're number 1 "sign, he just took it wrong."
" I hear he came to bad end. Didn't we pass his head frozen in ice on the way in."
" If he just let me keep my ring , he would not have died."
" A lot of people who wear your rings disappear, don't they"
" That is why our no refunds policy is so easily enforceable."
"Did you ever have a boss?"
"Yes, there was this Morgoth fellow. I was his lieutenant. He told me that if I just would betray the Maiar that I could have the east half of the continent for collecting on overdue library fines In the end he overreached by destroying most of Middle Earth and the Valar destroyed everything we had built up. It was all about him. " My Silmarils" " My Crown" When did he ever think about me. He was so obsessed with genetic engineering that he could did not care about getting to know the elves, men and dwarves. I mean the Balrogs burn everything including all of your own troops, the Trolls are disgusting with the the snot coming out of their noses. I liked the elves. Why did he have to create the orcs? I mean have you ever cleaned up after an orc. They will eat anything. Leave a troop without food for a week and you end up with one fat orc. I was so happy when Morgoth was thrown into the void. It allowed me to grow. You should have seen me. I dominated two ages. If I do to over again, I would have declared open season on hobbits. For little fellows they caused me no end of trouble. I hear that their livers taste good with fava beans and a light chianti."
Suddenly, Naraku yelled " The eagles are coming, the eagles are coming"
Sauron dove under the table, trembling in fear.
" Man, never say that. I have nightmares where the eagles come and eat my liver every night then it regrows in the morning. I have been in therapy here in Naraka in my fear of eagles session. King Enma claims I am doing better"
" How did you end up here anyway? You are not from this universe."
" When I turned into a big black cloud, the wind from the West blew me here. I was told that I would have to stay here until my karma changed. Botan is helping me with Advanced Karma. Eventually, I will accept everything about myself and they will let me go in a few billion years. Why are you here?"
" I was created from Naraka. This place seems so much like home. The frozen wastes of the first eight Naraka, the burning fires of the other eight Naraka. It is so great to be here."
" You mean I get punished and you get to go home. How fair is that?'
" You are not being punished. You merely have to stay here until your karma changes."
" You never did tell me about your boss."
" My boss was a jewel."
" A jewel"
" A jewel that screwed you over no matter what you wished for. I did all the work after that idiot girl broke the jewel. I was clever. I was urbane. I never killed any of my opponents who were not already dead. In the end the stupid jewel would not grant my wish and allowed me to die hoping that she would fight me for eternity. Not much better prospect than playing " Go Fish" with you for eternity. I kept killing the woman I loved over and over again. That is why I am in therapy to help me deal with the need to kill the women I love. I have made some progress. Now I only kill women who are annoying bitches who lord it over me because I am in love with them."
" And how does that differ from your experience with Kikyou"
"Now I kill them when they beg me to relieve their pain"
" So it is a mercy killing."
" Of course."
" Would you like to see some naked pictures of Kikyou?"
The Avatar of Hell looked around and accepted the oblong device. There were no naked pictures of Kikyou. He threw the device back at Sauron who was doubled up in laughter and pointing to his eye. Naraku looked at himself in Kanna's mirror. There was a black circle around his eye. It almost looked like Kanna was smiling, but she was so expressionless who could tell.
" I always dreamed of having sex with Kikyou, but I killed her. I dreamed of having sex with her clay body, but then I killed her again"
" Don't you sense a pattern here."
" Not that I can think of."
" At least you got to think of sex. I tried to put the moves on Galadriel when I was trying to sell her a ring, but Celeborn caught me and slapped me silly."
" You haven't lived until you have tentacle sex."
" What is tentacle sex?"
" It is where you stick your tentacles into your incarnations orifices."
" So was it satisfying?"
"It was hard to tell Kagura seemed to get off on it, but then she was just afraid that I would crush her heart. I could never tell about Kanna. Byakua was too enthusiastic about it for my taste. Another game we would play was one of the incarnations would cut off my head and I would take their penis in my mouth. They always told me that I gave good head."
Sauron winced. This fellow was more perverted than he had ever dreamed of being.
" How did you end up as a lidless eye?"
" My body was tied up with the ring so that when the ring was cut off, my beautiful body was destroyed. I had to recreate my form in order to order people around. Most people simply laugh at an eye. It was only people who I had enslaved with the rings and people I could control with the Palantir that followed my bidding I used them to control everyone else."
" I know what you mean about bodies. I started out as a spider who possessed a dying human. To gain power I had to continually absorb youkai. I recreated my body numerous times until I was finally killed. Even then the Jewel recreated me so that I could fight Kagome forever."
" You have to show me how to do that sometime. It is no fun being a lidless eye. No dates. No walks in the park. No moonlight strolls, No sex."
" I am not sure you would want to an amalgam of youkai that you absorbed. Every month you have a period when you fall apart and you have to absorb all over again. On the outside I looked like a handsome lord, but the woman I loved would not give me the time of day."
" I could have been someone. I had Gondor in the palm of my hand. Who knew that those horsey boys would come thundering down from the north and those ghosts would come up from the south. You cannot rely on your subordinates. Saruman could not even beat a ragtag group of horse boys. I was not sorry to see him go. I wasted so much time on him. Then my lieutenant stands around explaining how to defeat him. The rest of my worthless allies run away from a bunch of ghosts. Why are oliphants afraid of ghosts?"
"At least your subordinates never betrayed you. In the end all of my subordinates who I considered like my children because they came out of my body all betrayed me. I simply had to kill them. The only one who was with me in the end was Byakua. Have you ever seen him? Sesshoumaru and Jakotsu looked more manly that he did. I am taking therapy for being stabbed in the back by your incarnations."
" Bummer man."
" Ain't it the truth?"
" Fish, Fish got any 4's ?"
Naraku stared at the 4 fours in his hand. His therapist had told him that lying was good therapy for him. It cleansed him of the truth that he had to live with.
" Go Fish"
