As Adele would say "this is the end, hold your breath and count to ten". Except that you don't need to hold your breath and count to ten because there would be no point in doing so o.O But yes, this is the end.
I wanna thank very much everyone who was part of the creation of this fic. Everybody that read and reviewed (including my lovely hater, who I don't know, but adore so much!). My sister, Ellen, who helped me create most of those characters. My friend Manu, who listened to me talk about 12 dates a hundred times. And my beta Mila (she writes an amazing faberry fic, "Paint me an octave higher", check on it!) who helped me so much that she actually wrote part of this chapter when I couldn't move on. You were all great to me.
It took me sometime to get this chapter done but, to compensate, it is much longer than usual. I mean, like three times longer. I'm hoping I solved everything and you'll all have fun with it. I know I did.
P.S.: the songs in this chapter are, in this order:
If I fell in love with you - The Beatles
Killing me softly - Roberta Flack
You're so vain - Carly Simon
Can't take my eyes off you - Muse
Must get out - Maroon 5
Back do December - Taylor Swift
Hot'n'Cold - Katy Perry
Like a virgin - Madonna
Brave - Sara Bareilles
See you around pezberry fandom :)
12 - Rachel
"Hey, Rach."
She lifts up her eyes, focusing them on me.
"Oh, hi, San. What are you doing here?"
"Hm…" I hesitate for a moment and Rachel's eyes look even bigger. "I was going home and saw you in here. Are you waiting for someone?"
"I was. But she is quite late, and I believe I've been stood up."
"Who's that bitch?"
"A friend of Blaine's or whatever." Rachel sighs and I grab a chair to sit in front of her. "They thought I could try this blind date thing once."
"Sure, cause it worked so fine with me."
"I believe I would be easier to please."
"Why everyone keeps saying I'm hard to please?" I roll my eyes. "You should be glad you got stood up, because last time Blaine tried to set up two friends of him, you had to come along and put on a little show to save my ass. Remember?"
Rachel giggles at that.
"That was fun."
"Sure you'd think so."
"At least that Jenny girl showed up."
"Maybe your date's just late."
"Forty minutes late."
"Maybe she's dead."
"Oh, I hope she's late."
I chuckle.
"Bullshit. You'd rather think that only death would stop someone from meeting your amazing self."
"You think so little of me, Santana. It's outraging."
"Yeah, I can see your outraged smirk."
"Maybe she is dead."
I shrug. Rachel giggles again.
"Lucky you, I'm in debt of an ass saving."
"Oh, thank you. That's so kind of you, San. I feel like I just won my night."
"Easy, girl. You're still paying the shots."
I call for Tate, the waiter, and we order two cosmopolitans. I try not to ogle Rachel too obviously. But damn, she looks hot tonight. Most of the time I think Rachel's pretty. On stage, she reaches a gorgeous, goddess state. But sometimes – more frequently in the past few months – she has this gleam around her, something sexual, concentrating in her eyes, her mouth, her hands, her thighs. I can't really put my finger on it, but it's there, I see and I feel it.
We're at this pub really close to our home. We come here a lot, me, Rachel and Kurt. It's something like our spot, the only one around this neighborhood that's worth our time and money, so we used to spend a lot of nights here before we all started to work so much. Anyway, we still know the waiters by their names and it still feels like it is our spot. I guess that's why Rachel is fine about me just sitting here with her.
Tate takes notes of our drinks and smiles at me before going away. I'm turning back to face Rachel when my phone rings.
"I just found out a so much cooler place to impress my next blind date!"
I laugh at that and Rachel arches an eyebrow at me.
"Ramona." I say and she leans back on her chair.
"Oh. Are you two still going out, after all?"
"No, no." I wave my hands. "We just became friends."
"I don't get it."
"What?"
"If she's nice enough to be your friend, why not date her anymore? Was it a chemistry problem?"
I open my mouth, but can't find the right answer. I remember Ramona's kiss and skin, and how we ended up in bed so damn fast. No, it was definitely not a chemistry problem.
"I don't think so."
"How do you expect the world not to think you are hard to please if even the girls who seem perfectly fine don't accomplish at satisfying your standards?"
I sigh and roll my eyes at her.
"The world can think whatever it wants of me."
"What was wrong with Ramona?" Rachel asks in a high-pitched voice.
"Nothing, ok? There was nothing wrong with her."
"Then why aren't you replying her text?"
Because I'm here with you, dammit! And only the thought that someday you could be mine makes me more lightheaded than Ramona ever could.
It makes me angrier than anything does that I can't bring myself to spill it all over her.
"I just want to spend some time with you, all right?" I say, and it's the closer I get from the truth and it's still too far away. "Can't we just have a good time, for God's sake?"
Rachel doesn't seem pleased, but she says nothing else. Our drinks arrive and she calmly sips hers.
"Let's call Kurt and tell him to come over." She says, her eyes away from mine. "It'll be like old times."
"He's with Blaine now."
"Blaine can join us too. For the matter fact, he owns me some explanation."
The last thing I want right now is to make this encounter a happily drunk night out with friends. Everything within me wants Rachel as a whole, for as much time as I can have her.
"I don't think they'll stop what they're doing to come over. Actually, I'm pretty glad to be away from them when they are doing what they're doing."
"I know, right? They are so noisy!"
"Way too loud!"
"I don't remember them being loud like this before…"
"It's like they have something to prove."
"The only thing they proved to me is that I need acoustic isolation for my bedroom."
"That makes two of us."
Rachel giggles.
"Maybe it's a furniture problem. The bed creaks a lot. I don't think they are this vocally loud."
"I guess you're right. I could easily beat them."
"Santana!" Rachel narrows her eyes. "I don't believe physical confrontation is the solution for any of our matters, especially regarding friends."
I laugh at that.
"Not that this is a bad idea, but I meant something else."
"Oh." Now Rachel seems to understand. "Well, beating them is not as easy as you might think. Georgia and I tried."
I stop laughing all at once. The thought of that makes me sick immediately – I can really feel the drink spinning in my stomach. I swallow hard and must look a little green, cause Rachel leans in my direction, worry in her eyes.
"San? Are you ok?"
"I guess Georgia isn't just as talented as I am."
"Talented?"
"Yes. It's something like my specialty making ladies scream." I say harshly.
Rachel rolls her eyes.
"Scream in torture maybe."
"In tortured pleasure."
"In tortured pain."
"That's when I'm not around." I say and she gives up and burst into laugh.
"You fool."
We take a moment to drink again. I don't want to, I really don't want to, but if I'm doing this thing where I try to be a good friend, I kinda have to ask:
"How are you, anyway? About this Georgia stuff, I mean."
Rachel stares at her drink intently.
"I guess I'm fine."
"You never told me why the two of you broke up."
"You've never seemed interested."
I sigh lowly. I'm interested, of course. I'm just not ready to know if Georgia was the one who ended up and now Rachel is in a dark place about it.
"I just didn't want to intrude."
"That's new." She mutters and I grimace at her.
"Will you tell me?"
"She asked me to move in with her."
I gasp at that, almost spilling what I was trying to drink.
"Excuse me? Is that chick out of her mind? You knew each other for three months!"
Rachel breathes in deeply and looks around for a while.
"We lived too far away from each other. It was always troubled for us to meet. Her roommate was going out of their apartment. It's was a logical question, actually."
I just know I'm turning green again.
"Then how did this end up with you two breaking up?"
"I believe it's mostly because… Well, because, at first, I reacted just like you did."
"Good! That makes you a normal person!"
"I don't know, Santana. I liked Georgia a lot, I still do. She's nice…" God, she's not! "She's smart..." Not really! "She's cute…" Only if you like the toothy skinny type.
"Still not explaining!"
"Yes, I am." Rachel finally looks at me. "I'm saying she's perfectly good, a fit for me, really. And never crossed my mind take our relationship anywhere. When she asked to move in together, I realized all of that. I never imagined a future for us."
"Why should you?"
"Because that's what people do, right? Not that I have anything against living in the moment, don't take this as a personal criticism."
"Not taken."
"I understand the appealing of those one-night-stand circumstances. I've heard about some relationships where the focus is to have harmless fun while you don't find your true soul mate. And I guess I could even give that a chance, if Georgia and I were both standing at the same page about this."
"But she wanted more."
"Indeed."
"So you dumped her."
"Please, don't put it in those terms."
"But you did! You dumped her because you didn't love her."
"You make it sound mean."
Yeah I do, but my stomach thanks it a lot.
"You're not mean. She's an ass. She's still coming after you, isn't she?"
"She calls me sometimes."
"You see? Boring needy ex."
"She's a good friend, Santana. Like Ramona, maybe?"
That makes me shut up. I don't think this is nothing like the Ramona situation. At the same time, I so hope it is. So it could mean Rachel can't be with Georgia because she actually wants… me. I don't know how to say something like this, though. And Rachel looks a little blue, and I'm still a little green. We need a change of colors, so I try to change the subject.
"How was your performance tonight?"
"Endearing, as it always is." Rachel replies nonchalantly. Then her eyes meet mine. "It's truly inacceptable that you haven't showed up to watch me already. I won a Tony about it, Santana. One might think I'm worth watching on stage."
"Come on, Rach." I furrow my eyebrows. "You know I've been there."
"What? When?"
"The last time? Eight days ago."
"What do you mean by 'the last time'?"
"I've watched you more than fifteen times until now."
She looks baffled.
"You have not."
"I kept the tickets. I can prove it."
"It doesn't make any sense, Santana. Why wouldn't you tell me? Why wouldn't you stop by the dressing room afterwards?"
I shrug. Rachel doesn't look convinced.
"I don't know, ok? It's just… Every time I intended to, but then… You always get me so emotional, so melted up, and I feel all weak and dumb. I couldn't put it in words that made any sense. I wouldn't be able to give you a proper feedback. So I just left."
"You just left fifteen times?"
"Yes."
"And you let me think you didn't care a fly's wing about my career and what mattered to me?"
"Well…"
"What were you thinking?"
"Hey, chill out!" I say, because she's giving me the crazy eyes. "How can you be madder at me now than before?"
"Well, before I thought you were just being your selfish self. Now I know you were actually lying to me this whole time!"
"Whoa, Berry, you better don't point your little finger at my face!"
"I point my little finger wherever I want."
"Oh, then let me tell a special place where you could…"
"Don't you dare, Santana!"
"I didn't lie to you! I never said I didn't go. You presumed that because I didn't kiss your lovely ass as everybody else did."
"Sure, your compliments are not easy to get, are they? It doesn't matter if your best friend just achieved the top of her career, winning a higher award – that is not reason enough for you to come forward and congratulate her in her own party!"
"I would congratulate you, you freak! I would say all of those things eventually. It's not my fault that you decided to take them from me forcefully, using your own ways!"
"What are you talking about now?"
"You know very well!"
Yes, we are shouting at each other, and yes, people are watching.
"You better not be talking about…"
"The drunk kissing in the bathroom? Guess what, I am! So that was your way to get me to adore you, I get it. That's that, Berry. I said you were awesome, I kissed you, I watched your play a thousand times. What else do you want from me? Should I kneel before your majesty?"
There's a long silence after that. We look around and there are many eyes fixed on us. The whole pub seems to be holding their breath. Then, slowly, conversations start again around us. Rachel and I stay quiet a little longer.
That was the most disastrous change of subject ever.
"I just wish you've told me." She whispers, sighing heavily. "It made me sad to think you didn't care."
"I'm sorry." I say back, finishing my drink. "I thought deep down you knew. How could you think I would be my selfish self about this?"
"I didn't mean that… You are not self…"
"Oh, shut up Berry."
We don't even need to ask as Tate brings us two more cosmos.
"Thanks, dear." Rachel smiles at him, but the smile fades away too quickly when he leaves.
"I love watching you on stage." I tell her, sheepishly. "My favorite is that song when Lucy tells Fernand why she married him. You're such a bitch in that part."
"Thank you?"
"But you also always manage to sound hurt. It's like Lucy's saying: 'Look how awful I am now, you did this to me. And you'll pay, you bastard, you'll pay because you hurt me and it still hurts so much.' It's awesome, I love it."
"San…"
"You're amazing up there, Rachel. I know you're talented, but I don't see my talented friend on stage. I see Lucy, her happiness, her pain, everything. When it's over, and you bow, that's when I realize I live with that woman. I live with you, I see you every day. You get out of the stage to be Rachel again, but I never get out of the theater feeling like you are this Rachel, this simple Rachel I can talk to. I get out feeling like you're a mystic being, and I'm not allowed to get close. That doesn't make any sense, perhaps. And it doesn't justify…"
"Are you aware that you just gave me the biggest compliment of my entire career?" Rachel asks me, and she sounds a little breathless.
"You won a Tony."
"Ok, the second biggest compliment of my entire career." She emends and we giggle.
"So are we ok?"
"Yes."
"Good."
We sip our cosmopolitans again, just looking around, not knowing very well what to say. That's the thing messing us up since Rachel got her Tony and I got that kiss – we never seem to be at the same page. We can talk for hours and realize later that we were talking about different subjects, after all. This arrangement doesn't fit us anymore. And that drives me crazy.
"Can you believe the year is about to end?" She asks in a low voice.
"Honestly, I can't wait for this year to end."
"Was it so bad?"
I shrug my shoulders.
"Something like the best and the worst ever."
"Yeah, I get you." Rachel smiles amused. "All of those dates…"
"Oh, come on. Don't start this."
"You should do something like a retrospective."
"I won't be able to let Kurt live if I do so."
"You know it's not over yet, right? December is up."
I look at her mindfully and she raises an eyebrow curiously.
"Yes, I know it's not over."
"You sound like someone who has lost all hope."
"No, not all of it. Not yet."
"Well, I know I have. Being stood up in the first blind date has to mean something."
"Stop complaining, I'm here. I'm an amazing company."
"Debatable."
"It's not."
Rachel laughs. The pub's door slams open, attracting our attention. It's just a randy group of friends, but my eyes follow them because Rachel's eyes are doing so. Then I get what she's watching and I laugh.
Among them is a blonde short woman wearing a brown pullover with a big colorful moose in the front. It's just so similar to something Rachel used to wear at High School that's unbelievable. That was lame in Ohio, and it was five years ago. How lame is it in today's New York?
"Seeing it in another person makes you realize, at last?"
"I think it's adorable." She states solemnly.
I laugh a little more and get up from the table.
"Hey, blondie." I call out, making one of the girls who just entered the pub turn around.
"Santana! What are you doing?!" Rachel gasps, but I ignore her.
I walk towards the blonde girl and we exchange a few words under Rachel's gaze. Then I go back to our table, carrying a new full-paid-for drink.
"What did you tell her?" Rachel questions, her wide eyes on me.
"I told her you just loved her pullover, that it's adorable, and you could barely stop looking, but were too shy to tell her. So she sent you this." I deliver the drink as Rachel covers her mouth with her hand.
She looks for the girl across the bar, and the blonde is looking at us. The girl waves, making Rachel go red, and I laugh harder. I wave back as Rachel tries to hide behind a napkin.
"You are completely insane!"
"Just enjoy your drink." I say, chuckling a little more.
I missed this so much. I missed Rachel and Rachel's laugh, and our nights out, and having fun with her. She tastes her drink, after all, and lifts the cup to cheer at her tacky mate. I don't get too worried about it because the blonde is totally straight.
We just drink in a comfortable silence for a while.
"You're wrong, you know." Rachel says after a few moments, and her voice is serious again.
"Oh, come on, it was just a joke! I didn't offend anybody and..."
"No, not about that." Rachel interrupts me.
"What?"
"About the kiss. Our… Our kiss, in the bathroom. You're wrong."
"About which part?"
"Pretty much all of it." Rachel swallows and looks me in the eyes. "I wasn't drunk. At least, not too drunk. And I wasn't trying to force a compliment out of you…"
"It sure looked that way."
"Maybe you were drunk."
"I wasn't."
"But you kissed me back."
"You demanded me to."
"As if you take everything I say like orders."
She's right about that. I don't. Ever.
"Why did you kiss me, then?"
It's Rachel's time to shrug.
"Did you ever think that maybe I just wanted to?"
"Why would you want to?"
She sighs, sounding pissed off.
"I won't be able to talk to you if you'll play dumb."
"Ok, that's it. You called me selfish, liar, and now dumb, all within an hour. Are you ticking those out of your list? Is there much more to come?"
"I'm not meaning to badmouth you. I'm just saying…"
"What? What are you saying?"
"I'm saying you missed the point! You missed the point of that kiss; you missed the point of this conversation."
Alright, so much for having fun with her.
"So just fucking tell me what the hell is the point!"
"You know what? Forget about it. Maybe I was drunk after all. And you were drunk as well. And you woke up regretful for what happened. We shouldn't bring this up anymore."
"I woke up regretful? I? You apologized for that kiss."
"I never did such a thing! You said everything yourself. I never said a word…"
"But you looked at me like that! You looked regretful, that's why I said…"
"Oh, great. Now you're putting words in my eyes! Not even in my mouth, but in my bloody hell eyes!"
"I know what I saw."
"You know nothing." Rachel spits the words out.
Good Lord, I don't know what to do to keep this girl happy. She makes me so fucking nervous! I can't even think straight. And apparently, now I am Jon Snow.
"I don't know why you kissed me, Rachel. I sure didn't see it coming. But I know why I kissed you back, and it was because it was a damn good kiss. Fuck, it really was. I did not even think about it, I just did. God, fuck! I feel like an idiot for telling you things like this."
"You should feel."
"You're fucking impossible!"
"You're impossible too! You don't talk, you don't express yourself. You hold things for months!"
"Cause people don't have to tell that kind of stuff to their best friend!"
"Yes, they do! They do when their best friend kisses them."
"They don't when they feel like their best friend was just too out of her own mind that night and didn't mean anything with that kiss."
"You do, because maybe the best friend didn't mean anything with that kiss, but the kiss meant something to the best friend!"
"I'm confused right now!"
"Me too!"
I don't know if I'm really mad at her or if I just wanna burry my face in her neck and breathe her scent in until my heart calms down. I guess I'm feeling both and it is awfully confusing.
"You never came to talk to me about that either."
Rachel looks away and doesn't answer anymore. Again, I have no idea which page we're in. Did she just say the kiss was a big deal? Or did she just say I made a big deal out of a kiss? God, I need subtitles for Rachel's feelings!
"I'll get us more drinks." I say, standing up.
It's late now and the pub is crowded. Tate won't be coming around so frequently anymore and I need alcohol. Rachel doesn't even look up as I take the first steps towards the bar. I get us two more cosmopolitans, with some difficulty. My mind is running around in circles as I wait. I'm not getting anywhere, as usual.
I go back to our table and lay the drink in front of Rachel.
"Thanks." She says, but doesn't taste it.
As I sit down again, she's humming something. I pay attention, trying to listen to it above all of the noise around. Rachel's eyes are not on mine, they are wandering everywhere and nowhere. Her mouth's moving quietly. It takes me a few moments to recognize the song and my heart skips a beat when I do so.
"If I fell in love with you, would you promise to be true and help me understand? Cause I've been in love before and I found that love was more than just holding hands…"
She's singing so softly that it breaks my heart. Rachel's voice is made to the stage, it's too powerful. So it means so much listening to it sounding that low. I can't express that right. I can't express most of the things Rachel makes me feel. I sure can't make her understand when I tell her. So maybe, maybe if I can tell her differently…
"Strumming my pain with her fingers, singing my life with her words…" I start my own version of Killing me softly, and Rachel's voice quiets as she looks at me. "Killing me softly with her song, killing me softly with her song. Telling my whole life with her words. Killing me softly, with her song…"
Rachel's expression turns severe. She sings back.
"You're so vain, you probably think this song is about you. You're so vain, I bet you think this song is about you. Don't you, don't you, don't you?"
Alright, now she's teasing me. Good. Great. Like I'm not on the edge yet! Fucking little Jewish dwarf! Why do I have to love her so much at the point I think this is kind of sexy? Ok, then. Time to bend her over.
"You're just too good to be true, I can't take my eyes off you. You feel like heaven to touch and I wanna hold you so much."
Rachel's not done.
"There's only so much I can do for you, after all the things you put me through…"
Neither am I.
"So this is me swallowing my pride, standing here in front of you saying I'm sorry for that night…"
She strikes Katy fucking Perry back at me.
"Cause you're hot then you're cold. You're yes then you're no. You're in and you're out. You're up and you're down."
Let's Diva-talk then.
"I was beat, incomplete. I'd been had, I was sad and blue but you made me feel… Yeah, you made me feel shiny and new!"
Rachel mouths "Really?" in my direction, before frowning and reacting.
"Say what you want to say and let the words fall out. Honestly, I wanna see you be brave."
I take a deep breath at that. Rachel's dark eyes are demanding so much from me. Demanding everything, really. And I can't find it in myself to deny her. Not anymore. If she wants me to say it, then I'm fucking saying it.
"It was because of you, Rachel."
That ends our little singing-duel.
"What?"
"The reason I'm not dating Ramona anymore. The reason I could never date Christie properly, or the reason my date with Hazel sucked. It was all because of you."
"I don't get it."
"I was thinking of you, dammit! All the time. I was off my game. So I kept having the worst dates ever. And I started to feel like such a big failure. Then the idea of getting you kept becoming more and more distant… And every day I wanted you this much more..."
"Slow down Santana. I don't think you are putting the words together in a reasonable sentence."
"You wanted me to say, didn't you? There it is! I'm saying it. It was your entire fault."
"You must be kidding me!"
Rachel looks pissed again. Yes, Santana, you can't keep yourself from fucking up tonight.
"I'm not. Shit, you just told me to be brave."
"Is that your idea of being brave?" She looks for her purse and opens it in a hurry. "I don't know if you're a child or just a fool, honestly. Whatever option it is, I'm done, Santana. I'm done!"
"Please, remember to cross 'child' and 'fool' from your list. Would you please call me stupid, whore and cynical, so we get over with that?"
"Don't you dare playing the victim on me. I won't fall for that!" Rachel is going through her purse as she speaks. "Damn! I forgot my wallet! Crap!"
"Rachel, look at me. Goddamn, try to understand what I'm telling you!"
"I don't want to!" She shouts, standing up. "I won't take charge for your bad dates. I won't take charge for the way you treat your women! It's on you, not on me. I never did anything to jeopardize your dates! Never! I was nothing but a good friend to you, and I won't… I won't…"
And now she just sounds hurt. And that makes me sad too. Rachel storms out the pub in that way only a Broadway actress manages to do. I hurry up trying to take money out of my purse and leave it over the table before running out after her.
Godammit, it's freezing out here!
"Rachel!" I call her name, as she waves for a cab. "Where are you going? It's too cold!"
"To the theater, I left my wallet there."
"How did you even get here, then?"
"Jeremy gave me a ride, not that's any of your business. Just go home, will you?"
"No, I won't. Stop that, talk to me. And put on your scarf, you'll get sick."
"You put on your scarf, you already had a bad flu this year."
We both put on our scarves, and for a moment we forget we're pissed at each other.
"Don't go away, I wanna talk to you."
"I don't want to. You always make me feel worst."
"I'm sorry. Rach… Please."
She looks at me with watering eyes. I'm not sure what I said that sounded that bad. I take a few steps at her direction when a cab finally stops by.
"Go home, Santana." She says, opening the car's door.
"Rachel, it's late. There won't be anybody there to return your wallet."
"I have a key."
"Then I'm coming with you."
"No."
"Yes." I push her in the bench, so I can join her in the cab. "Broadway, please." I tell the driver, as I close the door and we depart.
"Why are you doing this?"
"Rachel…" I sigh heavily and look at her. "Please, let me start over."
"I don't believe it will change anything that…"
"I'm in love with you."
That shuts her up quite efficiently.
"That's what I meant. I'm… no good… at saying this stuff, alright?" I lick my lips, but my whole mouth feels dry.
Rachel is looking at me like I'm a total stranger – a lunatic that invaded her taxi out of nowhere.
"Keep… going." She whispers.
"I… I tried to fight it, I admit. So I went to all of those blind dates, but I could never really be in any of them. Because my mind… my… heart… God, I'm being so lame."
"Just keep talking!"
"You were the one that I wanted! That's it."
She turns her face away, looking through the window. I can't read her expression, her eyes, and I surely can't read her thoughts.
"Say something. You're torturing me."
"There are so many missing spots in your story, Santana."
"What you mean?"
"I mean I don't think you are in love with me."
"What the hell, Rachel? That's for me to know."
"But took you long enough to find out."
"For God's sake, what's wrong with you tonight? You get emotional when people email you animated gifs with puppies! I'm here being a complete idiot at your feet and you don't even look me in the eyes!"
"What do you want me to say?" She asks, finally turning to face me again.
I open my mouth, but what could I really tell her? If she doesn't have an automatic answer for me, I don't want her to say nothing at all. I just made a total fool out of myself. I'm alone in this sinking ship and Rachel won't even throw me a buoy. I'm alone.
"I… Nothing. I don't want you to say anything."
So the rest of the drive we spend in silence. The cab parks at the sidewalk in front of Rachel's theater. I pay for the ride and we get out. She looks for the keys in her purse and walk towards a back door.
"Why did you get in the cab?" She asks, suddenly, before getting to the door.
"I didn't want you to come alone, it's late…"
"Not this cab, your moron!" Rachel rolls her eyes, her voice pitchy. "The cab in front of the club, back in July. Why did you get in the cab and left me alone in the sidewalk?"
"Rach…"
She shakes her head.
"How can I believe what you are saying when you don't even have an answer for that?"
"But I do have an answer."
"And still I hear nothing." Rachel replies, opening the door and walking in.
I follow her. It's really dark inside and I blink a few times when Rachel turns on a light. It bright up from the hallway to the backstage.
"I was scared." I say in a small voice.
"What?"
"I was scared, Rachel. I didn't know what would happen if I did what I felt like doing, which was getting you into the nearest bed."
She stops halfway towards the stage, looking at me carefully.
"I just knew this friends-with-benefits thing wasn't going to work for us. And I couldn't figure out how to… How to make anything work at all. I was afraid."
"Do you see how little you truly think of me? I'm a woman, Santana. If I kiss you, I do because I want to. And if I had gone to bed with you, it would be my will, and I would deal with the consequences… It was not for you to decide if I could risk getting hurt or…"
"Wait, what?" I interrupt her, raising an eyebrow. "No, I'm not talking about you. I… Well, I guess that makes me a bastard in some level, but I was talking about me."
Rachel frowns.
"How so?"
"Rach… I was afraid you'd hurt me."
"Wh…?" She looks dazzled. I probably do, too.
"The way I feel about you… since… since the night we kissed for the first time… No, honestly, even before that… But, back in July, already… Rachel, the way you make me feel… I never felt like this before."
"Not…" She gasps, taking a deep breath. "Not even for Brittany?"
I smile hesitantly.
"Not even close."
Rachel's eyes get wide and she passes her hand through her hair.
"You hurt me."
"I know. I'm so sorry. I'm so, so sorry, Rach. Please, forgive me. Please. I was such an idiot. I didn't know what to do with what I was feeling. If I made love to you that night and in the next morning you were casual about it…"
"Casual about it? Don't you know me at all?"
"I don't know myself. Not like this. Not… like this with you."
"You made me feel like the most undesirable person ever. I cried my way to the club's bathroom. That's how I met Georgia. I met Georgia while I was crying over you!"
"I'm sorry, baby." I mutter, taking a step closer. "I'm so stupid. I never meant to hurt you. I was so out of my mind. I thought I was going crazy. You sent me so many mixed signs. I couldn't read you. It was like you were all new to me… It… I…"
"You never expressed any feelings for me."
"That's so not true, Rachel."
"I dated a girl for months and you didn't say a word. You weren't even jealous."
"Are you kidding me? I was so jealous I got sick. Literarily sick. I was in the hospital!"
That takes a small smile out of her.
"Really? You were jealous?"
"God, Rachel. You drove me crazy."
"But you kept dating…"
"You had a girlfriend!"
"Cause you got in the cab!"
"I know, I know…" I get even closer. Rachel doesn't move away.
"Why are you saying all of this now? What changed?"
I sigh and lift a hand to her hair, touching it kindly.
"For once, you're single again…" She narrows her eyes at me. "And I'm still afraid to lose you, I'll always be… But I realized I was losing you anyway."
"San…"
"And I miss you so much…" My hand slides to the back of her neck, where my fingers can penetrate her hair fully.
"This is all such a mess."
"You know this is all hard for me to say. Can you please make it easier for me?"
"I don't think I can." Now her voice is so husk and her eyes are closing up.
Rachel's head bends over my hand and her chin's up, her lips offered to me.
"But I think you do…"
Jesus, it feels amazing to kiss her. Rachel's lips are big and full, and I suck at her bottom lip for a moment, trying to bring her to open her mouth to my kiss. I feel her hands on my waist as she does so, and I can taste her tongue with mine.
Now she is making that awesome noise again, and a chill spreads all over my skin as I take her mouth deeper. I just wanna be inside her somehow, I need to taste her until it is tattooed in my brain.
This, this thing going on between us, this is not normal. This is not average. This is not usual for me. No, the way Rachel's kiss makes me feel is out of this world, it's ridiculously dizzy. It makes my body lose all common sense. When I realize, I have an arm around her and I'm pressing her against me so hard we both struggle to breath.
"San…" She whispers against my lips.
"Rach…" I say back, slithering my mouth through her jaw until I can suck on her earlobe.
Rachel moans and I shiver, holding her tighter.
"I should go get my wallet…"
"What?"
"My wallet. That's why we came here for, remember?"
"I'm having a hard time remembering my name, right now…" I say, kissing her neck softly. Rachel giggles, but it sounds puffy.
"It's at backstage…"
I take a deep breath with my nose against her skin, before I can step back.
"Alright… Let's get it…"
She nods but, for a moment, we just stare at each other. My heart's pumping so loud I believe Rachel can listen – this place does have a great acoustic, after all.
"Let's get it." I repeat, taking her hand in mine. Rachel nods again and we start walking.
I smile when I see her name on the door, in the middle of a big golden star. Unnecessary to say that in the other doors there's just a piece of paper with the actor's names. Rachel opens the door, turns on the light and walks in, taking me with her.
She lets go of my hand to search for her wallet, but my eyes follow her everywhere. It's a big dressing room, with a wooden comber and a white sofa at the left corner. A clothes rack's at the right corner, with all of Rachel's dresses for the play aligned.
"So that's what I've been missing this whole time." I say and Rachel turns and smiles at me.
"Feeling regretful already?"
"Sure. I'm feeling so special for sharing Miss Berry's golden-star-dressing-room."
"Well, I'll have you to know that's where all the magic begins."
"Really?"
"Yep."
"I should put this theory through a test." I say and catch her in a second.
Rachel chuckles softly as our lips meet again.
It's hard to figure how things develop from there. Rachel moans against my mouth, while her hands slide through the sides of my body, under my shirt. The chills in my skin follow her moves, obediently.
I break apart from her for a moment, just to get rid of Rachel's scarf, making her neck available for me to kiss, and I do so for all of its extension. When I reach the point just below her ear and my tongue passes for the sensitive skin, she groans and grabs the hair in the back of my neck, forcing my lips against hers again.
Her hands are still going through my body, under the shirt, until I simply decide to take it off for good, along with my scarf. Rachel's nails scratch my bare belly while she sucks on my bottom lip forcefully. A moan escapes from my mouth and Rachel leaves out a growl that's almost predatory.
"To the couch." She breaths out against my neck.
"Too far away." I moan when she bites the curve between my neck and my shoulder.
"That's ok…" She agrees quickly, and before I can say anything she unclaps my bra, taking it off in one precise move.
And somehow, her hands push me backwards until I finally understand what she intends to do. My back lie down on the cold floor and the contrast with Rachel's burning tong wraping around my nipple sends a dazzling wave of pleasure to my sex. As if I'm not already wet enough.
"Fuck!" I moan, trying to get Rachel out of her own blouse, needing desperately more contact with her warm skin.
"No." Rachel holds my fists and locks an arm at each side of my head.
"Rachel!" I start to protest, but she forces her knee between my legs, what makes my hips go up to meet the source of my pleasure. She can do whatever she wants. As long as she keeps doing… whatever she's doing to me.
She bends her head in my direction until her tongue can slither around my ear.
"You don't get to touch me." She murmurs in such an authoritarian tone that I can't avoid the shudders down my spine. "Not until I'm done with you." This time a loud moan really comes out of my throat.
She frees my wrists and her hands wander through my shoulders, collarbone and stop on top of my breasts. It's such a light touch, but, at the same time, so keen. Rachel slides the tip of her fingers around my chest, between my boobs. Then her fingers find my nipples. She's sitting on my hips, staring at me looking just… so fucking hungry. Those darkened irises and the disheveled hair are making me breathless. I've never been so turned on in my life. It's hard to believe this is real.
"All this time... It wasn't just you who waited..." Her fingers start to twist my nipples and there it goes tenderness, substituted by a so goddamn sexy ferocity. "Do you know how many times I imagined you to say just what you said me tonight?" Rachel's mouth takes over for her fingers and she starts talking while nibbling my skin. "I even had this fantasy once. That you'd come here to this very dressing room..." Her hands get busy unbuttoning my pants and expelling it from my legs. Rachel spreads kisses down my belly, stopping when her chin is almost touching my core. "You would come here and press me against the door. Press me and fuck me so hard."
"Oh my God, Rach!"
Jesus, she dirty talks. And I'm getting desperate, my hips starting to move again, searching for... anything. But Rachel pulls herself away a bit, an evil giggle coming out of her lips. She starts to caress my thighs and I open them immediately. She seems to approve, because soon enough her tongue's circling around my inner thighs. So, so fucking close from where I eagerly need her.
Rachel's fingers brush against my pussy over my panties, and I can't identify the noises that come out of my mouth anymore. And I don't really care.
"Your panties are ruined." She says casually, pressing my pulsating clit.
"Then why don't you ta-take it off already?" I ask her back, gasping.
Rachel looks at me with a thoughtful expression in her face. She wants to see me beg, for God's sake, she wants to see me beg. And at this point where I find myself, I don't give a fuck.
"Please... Please!"
"Well, since you're asking so nicely." She smiles in a very dirty way before giving me a long kiss, her lips and tongue devouring me. She moans in my mouth and I moan back when I feel my panties slip out of my body. "What else do you want me to do?"
Rachel stares at me closely and I could count her eyelashes. I mean, if I had any counting abilities right now, which I don't. I don't, because I can feel my moisture running down my thighs and I just need her inside me.
I look back at Rachel and all of her predatory attitude is gone. Now her eyes are full of fondness and… love. Something warm spreads inside my chest.
"I need you to take me. Please." I tell her, burying my face in her neck.
She kisses my hair and I can feel her fingers starting to explore me lightly, my moans muffled against her skin. Then Rachel lows herself and eyes me once more.
"I've got you." She whispers and enters me in a fluid movement.
When she starts to go in and out inside me, I know I won't last long. I lose myself completely; lose all the senses of my surroundings. I'm not sure if I'm cursing or declaring myself to her between moans, and Rachel's eyes don't leave mine not even for a moment. It's this brown immensity that I see when my orgasm comes, overwhelming.
I finally allow myself to close my eyes and stars blow up over me. Rachel keeps moving herself inside me until my body turns limp. But she doesn't leave me. I can still feel her unmoving fingers while she delivers soft kisses on my face. I hold her tight until my breathing slows down, until she pulls her fingers out of me and suck them erotically, leaving out a fucking long and sexy moan from the bottom of her throat that makes me even dizzier.
I just can't take this anymore, so I turn us, now laying on top.
"You are way over-dressed." I say and Rachel chuckles. She gets up from the floor and takes out her own top, along with her bra.
My eyes scan all of the skin available and I can't believe the motherfucker lucky bastard I am. Rachel's so goddamn hot that my heart races against my ribs. Before I can move, she finishes getting rid of her clothes.
"You are so beautiful." I say, almost in awe. I want to put her in a pedestal and just worship her.
Well, not just worship.
I start to touch her wherever I can reach, no matter if with my fingers, my mouth, my hands, my tongue. I'm not hurrying. I kiss her stomach tenderly, biting around her belly button as I've been dying to do for months. I suck on the hard peaks of her nipples until Rachel pulls my hair and moans my name.
"This feels so good…" She whines and I can't resist closing my teeth around her breasts. "Jesus, this feels even better!"
I kiss her in the mouth again, our tongues entwining so erotically I can hardly remember who I am.
I could do this all night long.
"San..." But Rachel apparently couldn't. One look at her eyes and I know she's not in the mood for too much foreplay.
I smile against her lips and go down on her perfect little body, not waiting anymore, until I can find her pussy. I moan along with Rachel when I taste her. It's so uniquely Rachel and so addictive.
Needless to say that Rachel's extremely vocal. She makes a point to show me how much she's enjoying what I'm doing when I swirl her hard clit with my tongue. I add two fingers to the equation and accept gladly everything she gives me. Her taste, her scent, her moans, her heat. When I feel her contracting around my fingers, I replace them with my tongue and take all in as she comes. It can easily be the best flavor in the whole world.
I go on until Rachel's body relaxes totally under my mouth. Then I go up again and hold her in my arms. She feels so warm and comfortable. So right. Made for my arms.
"What about the sofa now?" I ask in a whisper and listen to her giggle.
"Still too far away."
"Yeah, but you'll be cold in a minute."
She rubs her face against my neck.
"I don't believe it."
I get goose bumps again. So we stay there a little longer, while I caress her hair.
"That was amazing, Rach."
"Indeed." She says, her eyes looking for mine. "I'm suddenly glad my original date for tonight didn't show up."
Rachel smiles and I swallow hard.
"Rach, I gotta tell you something."
"What is it, darling?"
"It was me. Your date."
"What? How so?" She raises an eyebrow, getting away from my arms.
"You were my twelfth blind date. I asked Kurt to set us up."
"Are you messing with me?" Rachel questions, standing up.
I follow her, getting nervous as she starts dressing up.
"No, listen to me. I couldn't date anyone else anymore. I just needed a chance with you."
"Then you thought it'd be a good idea to leave me waiting for almost an hour, then show up and lie to my face the whole night, instead of just sitting and talking to me?!"
"I wasn't late on purpose. Traffic was really bad. And I was scared to go in, alright? I stood at the pub's entrance for almost twenty minutes before having the guts to go inside."
"Still, Santana! What is it about me that makes you think you can never be honest?"
Rachel has her panties, bra and blouse on again.
"I'm being honest! I just wanted the night to start ok, and I was afraid you'd just run if I told you before. Please, don't let this ruin the night."
"Oh, am I ruining the night, now?"
"No, that's not what I said!" Shit, shit, shit, fuck, fuck, fuck! "But I'm being honest. It must count to something!"
Rachel sighs.
"I believe that's true." Then she smiles a bit. "Not that it would matter, because I knew it all already."
It's my time to gasp.
"What?"
"Do you really think Kurt can keep anything from me? That you two can scheme behind my back and I won't notice?"
"But…"
"Oh, you did. That's cute."
"You knew all along?"
"Of course I did! Why else would I agree with a blind date, for Barbra's sake?"
"Then why the hell are you fighting with me?"
Rachel laughs at that.
"You must excuse me. I can't resist a little drama."
"Oh, you little…" I go for her and her arms are around my neck in a moment.
"You little what?"
"You little naughty actress." I say and she smiles wider. "Were you faking just there on the floor?"
"Well, let me see… in which part?"
"The 'OH, OH! SANTANA! GOD, I'M COMING, I'M COMING!' moment."
She bites her lower lip, looking at me in such a dirty way I get wet all over again.
"Oh, that part…" I brush my lips against her cheeks and she sighs softly. "That part might actually have been true."
"Good. Cause if that was an act, you'd better get comfortable with it, cause you'd just be doing that performance for the rest of your life."
"For the rest of my life?" She asks, the surprise shining in her tone.
"Night. I meant the rest of the night."
I better slow down or she still might run. But the rest of her life, alright.
"Does that mean we won't move to a second date, Santana? Am I like all the others?"
"God, no! We're definitely dating again. And again. And again."
"So I can count that you'll call me tomorrow?"
"Can't I just knock on your bedroom's door?"
"How about romance? I must be wooed."
"Jesus. Ok. Can I set up another date now?"
"You can, but I might think you are a little rush. You can scare me away with all of your suffocating interest in me."
"Is that right?"
"It's a risk of dating."
"I think I'm gonna take a chance."
"Alright, that is bold."
"What about we meet again for breakfast, tomorrow morning, at our kitchen?"
Rachel laughs at that.
"First I'll have to check on my agenda, but I believe that might work for me."
I smile and kiss her, sliding my tongue through her lips until she takes me in. I'm still naked and my body brushes against the tissue of Rachel's clothes. It's frustrating but also turns me on. I'll have a chance to undress her myself this time.
"Look at that, I took you to one date and we're already living together." I say, trailing my nails up her stomach to her breasts. "Eat your heart out, Georgia.""Don't be mean!" Rachel slaps my shoulders with her fists, weakly. "All those lesbians' jokes must be true, then. But still, no reason to be mean!"
"Are you trying to change me already?"
She laughs and I kiss her lips once more, resting my forehead against hers.
"So I was your last date…"
"Yes. I wish you had been the first one."
Rachel smiles radiantly at me and I am so, so in love with her that my heart aches.
"You know how I value to be the first in pretty much everything I put my mind into." She says and I shake my head. "But sometimes… Well, sometimes what really matters is to be the last one."
