A Very Castle Christmas
Chapter Twelve
The moment Kate has been dreading since the minute she found the ring in his closet has arrived. Dinner was over, and she is sitting around the Christmas tree, feeling too nervous to even care about the ridiculous hat perched on her head. Although probably not her best idea, she has already consumed several cups of Martha's home-made eggnog, and is feeling just a little bit fuzzy. While everyone opens their gifts to each other, she is practicing in her head exactly what she is going to say. 'I love it! It's beautiful! But I just don't know if I'm ready. I'm not saying no, but I need some time to think.'
Finally everyone has exchanged gifts. Everyone except her and Castle. She watches as he excitedly tears open the gift that she brought him, his huge smile telling her how much he likes it. But getting him the perfect gift suddenly doesn't matter so much, because now it's her turn, and she is so nervous that her stomach is twisted so tightly that she is almost doubled over.
He pulls out two small boxes from under the tree, smiling excitedly. "I got you two presents. Here, open this one first." The box he hands her is a rectangle. Not a ring. Her stomach relaxes just a bit at the short reprieve. She opens the lid and finds a tennis bracelet tucked inside. She pulls it out, to look at it more closely.
"Oh, Castle. It's beautiful," she whispers honestly. It has a thin band, but one section is wider, and tears spring to her eyes when she sees the inscription. She runs her fingers lightly over the raised letters etched in the gold: "Always." She wipes her eyes with the thumb of one hand while he fastens the bracelet around the wrist of the other.
"Okay. Last one." He hands her the small square box. She can't open it. She just sits there, the box resting in her open hand until finally he takes it back and opens it for her.
She stares at the white gold nestled in the box, then slowly reaches over and takes the box in one hand, grabbing the gold with the other. She pulls gently and the chain unravels. The lights from the tree bounce off of the shiny metal, shooting splinters of light around the room.
It takes her mind several seconds to comprehend the fact that there was no ring. "Um. Thank you, Castle."
"It's for your mother's ring, Kate. I noticed that some of the links on yours are coming apart, so I got you a new one." He slides the necklace over her head, undoes the clasp and slides the ring off into his hand. He slides it onto the new chain. "May I?"
"Of course," she mumbles turning slightly from him and gathering up her hair in one hand so that he can latch the new necklace around her neck. She lifts it up and looks at it. "It's beautiful. Really. Thank you, Castle, it was very thoughtful."
And it was. Buying her a necklace for her mother's ring was very thoughtful. And it was beautiful. Slowly it dawns her that the moment that she had been dreading is not going to materialize. There is no ring. No proposal. Then why does she feel like she has just been punched in the gut? She should feel relieved, but instead she feels like she is going to burst into tears.
Castle doesn't notice her distress, and soon he is laughing at some story Alexis is telling him about one of her professors. She takes that opportunity to try and slip away.
"Hey, where are you going?" Castle calls out before she can get very far. "We're just getting ready to sing some Christmas carols."
She put her hand on her forehead, which is suddenly pounding. "I'm sorry Castle. I have a horrible headache. I think I'm going to head home." Castle leaps up and goes to her, concerned.
"Kate, it's late. And you really shouldn't be driving," he says, motioning to the half empty cup of eggnog still in her hand. Why don't you stay here tonight?"
She just wants to go home. To get away and try and sort out her conflicted feelings. But Castle's right, she has had too much to drink, and knows he isn't going to let her leave. Assuring him that she is fine, he stays with his family to sing Christmas carols while she puts herself to bed in his room.
He comes in later and she listens to the comforting sounds of him getting ready for bed. The unzipping of his pants, the thump of his clothes landing on the wooden chair, then water running as he brushes his teeth. She squeezes her eyes shut and forces her body to relax, her breath even so he will think she is asleep. He slips into the bed and immediately pulls her tightly against him, her back now against his chest, as his hand rests on her belly. She lies quietly in his arms, comforted by his embrace. He kisses the side of her neck gently.
"So, are you going to tell me what's going on?"
She toys briefly with pretending to still be asleep, but knows it's futile. Castle knows her too well. Besides, she's tired of running away; Letting the panic take over. So instead she brings her hand up to his, lacing their fingers tightly together.
"I'm sorry," she says quietly.
"Sorry? For what?"
She struggles to put her feelings into words. She's not very good at it. "I've had a lot on my mind lately and instead of talking to you about it; I guess I've kind of pushed you away."
"I know. I could tell something was going on with you. I wanted to help, but everything I did seemed wrong. Is it me?"
She turns in his arms, burying her face in his neck. "I miss my mom," she says, her throat hurting with suppressed tears. It was true, she missed her so much. She always misses her more during the holidays, but of course it was more than that. She needed her mom to talk to about Castle.
He pulls her tightly against him. "I know. It's going to be okay," he says quietly, rubbing her back gently. His offer of comfort pushes her over the edge, and she can't contain her tears any longer, letting them fall.
Although he has had a lot of experience with crying women, for some reason having Kate crying in his arms is heartbreaking and he actually feels his own eyes tear up in response. Especially since he thinks he knows what upset her so badly.
"The necklace bothered you didn't it? Was the chain hers too?" He hadn't thought of that. Maybe he was replacing something else that was important to her. "I can take it back."
"No," she says, lifting her head up to look at him. "I love the necklace. It's perfect." He watches as she twines the gold strand around her hand. "It's just…"
"It's just what? Tell me."
"It just took me by surprise. I thought it was going to be something else."
"What?"
She buries her head in his chest again.
"I thought it was going to be a ring."
A ring? "Did you want it to be a ring?" he asks, holding his breath while he waits for her to answer.
"What?" she says as her head snaps back up to look at him. "No of course not. I was terrified that it would be the ring."
He eyes narrowed. "The ring?"
"What?"
"You said the ring. Not a ring."
Even in the faint light he can see her face turn red. "I, um, might have done some snooping around trying to find out what you got me for Christmas. So I would know what to get for you."
"And you found the ring." He remembers that day. She had been in his room when he got home from shopping with Alexis, and she ran off without talking to him, claiming to be sick.
"You found the ring and figured I was going to propose. And you panicked. So all this time you've been worried that I was going to propose to you?"
She nods, her hair tickling his chest, and he kisses the top of her head. But wait, that doesn't make sense.
"Then why were you upset when you opened the necklace? I would think you'd be relieved."
"I thought so too. I have been so worried about it. That I would say the wrong thing and to hurt you. But when it wasn't a ring…"
"The ring."
"The ring. I don't know, I guess in a way I was disappointed."
He finds himself holding his breath again. "Really?"
She is quiet for so long that he wonders if she has fallen asleep. But finally she speaks. "Castle, it scares me to death. Things are good and I'm happy. Really happy. I don't want to lose that. What if get married and it ruins what we have?"
He holds up their linked hands, "Do you remember when we talked about marriage, years ago when I started shadowing you? You told me then that you were a One and Done type girl. I knew that while we were just friends." He kisses her hand. "I knew that when I fell in love with you." He kisses the inside of her elbow. "I knew it when I bought you that ring." He kisses her shoulder. "I know, Kate. I know that this is huge. I didn't buy that ring for Christmas I bought it months ago. I just saw it one day and knew I wanted it for you. Then after I bought it my stomach was in knots for days and I had to bury it to keep from looking at it because I was so afraid that I was going to screw this up."
He took her chin in his hand, making sure she didn't look away. What he had to say was too important. "Kate, I wouldn't get into a relationship with a One and Done girl if I didn't want more than anything to be her One and Done guy.
He gets up, goes to the closet and takes down the ring. He sits on the bed and says, "Give me your hand." He sees the fear in her eyes, and when she inches her hand to his, he can visibly see her shaking. He takes her hand in his and turns it over. He places the ring in the palm of her hand and gently closes her fingers over it, until it is completely inside her fist.
"I already know what I want, Kate. If it takes you a day, a year, ten years, to be ready, then that's okay. The ring is yours. I'm yours." He lies back down and pulls the cover up over them, snuggling her back into his arms before whispering, "Goodnight, Kate. I love you."
