Chapter 12: Desolation and Dismay

Claire's heart sank right along with Steve's zombified body; right into the ground; into the grave. How could she have done that? How could this have happened? Why to her? Why couldn't it have happened to someone else? Steve was her friend, her little brother, and now he was gone and it was because of her. She'd have to live with it the rest of her life.

She stood wobbling unsteadily, her vision blocked by ounces of tears that had yet to be released from her sockets. A giant lump took over her throat, almost causing her to gag. Her insides crumpled up, making it harder for her to take in a breath. Her chest felt tight, like someone with really sharp nails was squeezing and clawing her heart with all their might.

"Steve!" Claire fell instantly to her knees and grabbed the dead, rotting boy. Even in death he still looked nothing like her Stevie. But it was him. Underneath it all, somewhere within that soul that was selfishly taken over, lay Steve Burnside. But he would never get the chance to live again. He'd never get the chance to breathe fresh air, to laugh his wild laughter, to smile his pleasing smile, to do anything... And it was because of Claire.

"I'm so sorry Steve." she repeated over and over again as she rocked his unmoving form in her arms. Angela and Tara said nothing and if they had, Claire didn't hear. Her blood was in her ears. She blinked, releasing her hot and salty tears.

Why Steve out of them all? Why not Tara, she was a bitch. Or Angela for that matter, who cared if she was pregnant! It could have been anyone else besides Steve, Claire thought to herself. He was too young, too full of life, energy, and passion to just be whipped away into the blackness of death.

Claire's heart throbbed at the thought of Steve finally admitting he loved her. She had told him she loved him back but she should have lied and said she felt exactly for him what he felt for her. She should have kissed him despite the fact that his lips were soaked with vomit. She should have told him she was in love with him back...

Of course it would have been a downright lie. Even now Claire could still state that she was never in love with Steve. But she had loved him, more then she even knew before.

Finally after moments of sobbing, apologizing, and rocking, Clare laid Steve down gently onto the green earthy ground, and stood up.

"Claire, it's okay." Angela soothed as she gently rubbed a hand up and down on Claire's back.

It only bothered Claire. She pulled away and headed back toward the jeep.

"Let's just go." she muttered dryly.

She jumped in the driver side and attempted to start the car only, it wouldn't start. Doubt once again was knocking at Claire's door and she had no choice but to let it in. She tried a couple more times. All she got was an odd noise that sounded as if the car were wheezing.

"Come on. Please don't do this...not now." she said, almost pleading with the car. "Come on baby...start...start...START!"

She let out a frustrated scream followed by a hard punch, right into the steering wheel. Which hadn't been one of her brightest ideas. She yelped as pain shot through her hand. She was crying all over again. But this time her tears were of pure rage.

She jumped out of the car and slammed the door shut.

"Well, we have no ride." she said to Angela and Tara.

"What do you mean?" Tara asked with thin, narrowed eyebrows.

"Did I stutter? We have no ride! The car is broken down. And unless either of you know how to fix it, we're going to have to carry on on foot." Claire explained with no patience left in her whatsoever.

"Well, why don't we try to call someone-"

"Who Angela?" Claire interrupted sharply. "Who the hell is going to come to the rescue of three girls who's car broke down when a zombie apocalypse is taking place? Huh?"

Angela looked down as if she were ashamed.

"I...I guess you're right.." she said, her tone low. Then she picked her head up and looked right at Claire. "Well then, I guess we are going to have to continue on foot. You said the next town is only eight mi-"

"What do you mean next town?" Claire asked, her left brow raised. "Steve's dead. What's the point in going to the next town now?"

"Uhh maybe because flesh eating monsters have overtaken Raccoon, that's why!" Tara replied, talking to Claire as if she were an idiot.

"I wasn't talking to you!" Claire murmured through clenched teeth. One more word out of Tara and Claire wasn't sure if she'd be able to restrain her hand from slapping her in the face!

"Look, Claire is worried about her brother Tara. And she hasn't lead us wrong tonight. Why if it wasn't for her, we'd all be dead."

"Hasn't lead us wrong? Are you serious Ang? Steve's dead because of her! If he hadn't had to save her from that first rotting monster, he wouldn't have gotten bit. Then she shoots him, it's all her fault!" Tara accused, pure hatred flashing in her pale eyes The same hatred glared back at her through piercing blue circles. Claire couldn't take it. She rushed after the girl but was caught by Angela who was as strong as she looked. But Claire fought against her hold.

"How dare you! I didn't ask for Steve to come and help me, he just did it because that was the type of person he was! He would have done it for any of us! And I had to shoot him or he would have bitten us all! If it wasn't for me Tara, you'd either be dead or a flesh-craving zombie your damn self! Don't you dare blame me!" Claire shouted at the top of her lungs over Angela's giant shoulder.

Angry tears stung her eyes but she was tired of crying. Sick and tired of being weak. She wasn't going to cry because of Tara. She wasn't going to let her win. Claire pulled herself angrily from Angela's shoulder and at the realization of her own words, Claire thought it all over and decided it wasn't her fault after all. Yes she still wished she hadn't of had to been the one to shoot him, but it wasn't like she did anything wrong. She saved them all. If anything, she was the bravest for doing such a thing. She obviously cared for Steve the most and she was the one who had to put a bullet in his brain.

As for Steve saving her and getting bit, she hadn't asked him too. He pretty much sacrificed his own self. And yet, Claire couldn't deny feeling guilty for that part of it all. Tara was right about that much and Claire could kill herself for admitting it, but she was.

"Everyone calm down now!" Angela spoke in a louder voice then she normally did. She turned fiercely toward her cousin. "How dare you say such untrue, hurtful things to Claire. None of this is anyone's fault. And she's right, if she hadn't killed Steve, he would have killed us because it wasn't him. She did the only thing she could of done Tara! Now let's start walking."

Then she turned back to Claire, her face melted from angry to calm and collected fairly quickly, Claire noted.

"Claire, do you really think it's a good idea to go back to Raccoon?" she asked.

Claire sighed and looked down. She knew it really wasn't but she wanted to be with Chris. She didn't care what Angela truly wanted, she certainly didn't give two licks about what Tara wanted. She wanted Chris, she wanted to go home, she wanted to go back to the only place she was ever truly familiar with.

But she couldn't just tell them to fuck off as badly as she desired to. She had made a promise to Leon which she was starting to deeply regret.

"I want to be with Chris." she answered simply.

"Well I know you do honey, I'd want to be with Curtis if he were out there but, Chris will be fine. He's a strong, intelligent member of STARS and I know he's doing well. Don't you think you'd only worry him if you went back?" replied Angela gently.

Claire knew she was right but she was going to pretend she wasn't. She was going to spit out anything she could to justify going back.

"I can handle a gun. You saw that tonight. I could help Chris out. Be another partner to him and Jill."

She knew it was crazy. As soon she said it she felt crazy. But she didn't care. She had lost Steve and now she had no one but Angela and Tara as her companions. She wanted the only man she had left. The only strong person she had left. She didn't want to be the strong one anymore.

"I'm going and you can't stop me!" she shouted before anyone could deny her. "Besides," she added as an idea popped it's way into her mind. "We need to inform the STARS members and everyone else that's fighting that if you get bit, you turn into one of them."

"They probably already know that you idiot!" screeched Tara.

"Shut up!"

"Hey! Calm down!" Angela scolded before Claire could even finish talking. "Claire, why don't you just call Chris. See how he's doing, tell him what happened to Steve and about the car, then we'll decide what to do."

Claire was angry she hadn't thought of that before. She was so overwhelmed with harrowing grief and simmering anger that her mind was very incoherent.

"Fine." she agreed docilely. She dug into her side jean pocket for her cell phone but it wasn't there. She tried the other one and even the back ones but all she felt was soft cotton. She raced to the car and began to search frantically for it. What if Chris had tried to call her? All this time she was fiddling about without her phone! Suddenly she spotted it on the floor while she was looking through the back of the car. She assumed it somehow must have fallen out of her pocket and rolled under the seat.

As she reached for her phone, another object caught her eye. It was her backpack. She grabbed it, opened it, and began to rummage through it like a starving child would a refrigerator. All that was really in there was clothes. But then she found her can of pepper spray Chris had given her one night when she told him she was going out. Sure it wasn't a gun but it was one more item of self defense that would surely come in handy. Would it even affect a zombie? Could they even see through those white, sunken eyeballs? She shivered at that thought then she swung her backpack over her shoulder, slammed the door to the useless jeep shut, and glanced at her phone. No missed calls which was both a relief and scary thing to Claire.

She almost started crying again when she saw she had no service bars. But once again she bit back the tears and forced the burning lump down her throat. She wasn't going to cry anymore. She wasn't going to appear weak, frightened, hungry, tired, even though she was surely all those things.

"I've got no service." she announced blandly.

"Neither does Tara. We've tried calling for help several times but we're getting nothing. I left my own phone at home but it would do us no good anyway." Angela said, her low voice dripping with dismay.

"Well let's go. It will do none of us any good to stay here."

She began to walk the opposite way of the next town. Raccoon was calling to her, her brother was calling to her. She would go and they would follow. She didn't care anymore. It almost felt as if she were being pulled in that direction. She had to go. They couldn't stop her.

"I'm not following that crazy bitch anywhere. It's her fault Steve's dead-"

"Tara..."

"It's her fault the car is destroyed-"

"Tara!

"And it's her fault we're stuck in this mess! I hate her!"

"Tara that is enough!" Angela stormed. But Claire had already had enough. She was past the point of no return now. She spun around and stomped right up to Tara, fury rushed through her veins like fire, burning her and leaving behind scars of anger and hate. She slapped the girl so hard it stung her hand. Tara grabbed the side of her face with a shriek.

Angela jumped between them and Claire forced herself to back up. She would love nothing more then to deliver the same fate to Angela's giant face, but she just couldn't. All because of Leon. Oh Leon, why'd you make me promise such a thing?

Angela once again turned sharply to her cousin. This time, she did something that shocked Claire. She placed both of her hands on Tara's skinny shoulders and shook her back and fourth harshly.

"I told you about that Tara! If you won't listen to her then that's fine, but you will listen to me! We're going with Claire and that's final. Unless you'd rather stay out here and fend for yourself!"

Claire had never heard Angela speak in such a tone. She almost smiled but didn't allow herself to. Why was Angela defending her anyway? Especially over her own family! It was ludicrous and foolish to Claire. She didn't need her help and she also didn't appreciate her help. While it was amusing to see someone else snap at Tara, she didn't need anyone on her side. She'd prefer no one over Angela. Angela was the woman she hated the most in this world. Even more so then Tara. She had no business defending her! Oh if Angela would just open up her eyes, she'd see through it all. See that Claire was in love with Leon, see the burning hatred in her eyes whenever they talked. Sense how cold and short Claire always was with her in conversation. But she was blinded by her kindness, blinded by her thoughtfulness.

Leon had told Claire earlier on, when he had forced her into that stupid promise, that Angela loved Claire. Why? Was she that much of a blind fool? Had she not caught on already? Or perhaps she had but didn't want to say anything? No, that was impossible Claire thought. No one would stay silent this long.

"Claire will you please think about it one last time before we go. We're only eight miles from the next town like you said. It'd be an awfully long walk back to Raccoon."

"Why is it up to me?" asked Claire curiously. She honestly was curious. Why wasn't Angela taking charge? The way she just saw her handle Tara, surely she knew how to do it. Why didn't she snap on Claire like that; forcing herself the new leader? Claire wouldn't listen anyway, it'd be a marvelous chance for her to rebel against Angela, to finally fight with her.

"I trust you Claire." she said, her big blue eyes sincere. Claire had to look away. Her gaze was too earnest, too heavy, too trustworthy. It fit right along with her statement.

Why couldn't she just be difficult like Tara? Why couldn't she just be a damn bitch already so Claire could get it off her chest? Why was she so damn nice? Why did she love Claire? All she ever was was cold and curt with her. How could she love her? It was all insane to Claire.

"Fine, we'll go to the next town and get a hotel like Chris said. But if I call and he doesn't answer, I'm going to Raccoon if I have to walk 70 miles, I'm going and no is going to stop me. Do you have any money?"

"I left my purse at home." Angela reminded Claire who was so distraught at this point she just wanted to die. She suddenly remembered the backpack that was weighing her right arm down. She threw it on the ground, knelt down and opened the front compartment. She felt subtle relief when her wallet met her eyes. She unzipped it and sighed.

"Well, I got about 90 bucks in here. It might get us a room for one night but that's all. And we won't be able to buy food."

Claire had been saving that money to spoil her motorcycle with new tires. But that was all in the past now. Her own precious motorcycle was just a faded memory. She'd never get the chance to sit upon the clover-decorated, leather seat. She'd never feel the wind rip violently through her hair as she sped up through the back roads of Raccoon. No, it'd never happen again. Life as she once knew it was fading, decaying, blowing away. The little pinch of hope that she had left was trying to dominant these doubtful feelings say things like "maybe the city will be saved. Maybe Chris was right and this mess would all be something to laugh about tomorrow."

"It's okay. It'll do. We'll only need one night. Leon promised he'd come for us all tomorrow." Angela said, dragging Claire's mind back into reality, where she really didn't want it right now.

Claire sucked her bottom lip into her mouth and bit down when she comprehended Angela's words. Chris had promised a similar thing. Would it really happen though? Would this nightmare end tonight? Would she be seeing Chris's green, smiling eyes again, Jill's model-like grin, Leon's handsome face? Something within Claire's mind screamed "no" But she wasn't going to think about that now...

They had been walking for a whole hour now and Claire's legs felt like they were about to detach themselves from her body at any given moment. But she trudged on, forcing herself to walk along the bumpy patches of grass. She stayed close to the road incase someone came driving up. But so far, no one was seen.

The only people on that vacant country road were Claire, Angela and Tara. Both girls, who were several paces behind Claire, stayed very quiet. No one spoke, complained, or cried. Tara hadn't said a word since Claire slapped her and Angela was usually always pretty quiet.

Claire tried to hum songs in her head to make the journey less stressful but nothing was working. The only real thing that was on her mind was Chris and Raccoon City. Where were they going to live? What was going to happen to her home? She had lived in that house since she was born. What would happen to all her stuff? To her clothes, bed, motorcycle, pictures, memories, everything would be gone. Gone with the wind...

Just as Steve was. Oh Steve...She glanced up toward the navy sky and wondered if he could see her. If he was looking down upon her right now. Maybe he hadn't found his way to heaven yet. Maybe heaven was denied to him because he didn't die Steve Burnside, he died a zombie. No I know you're up there Steve, I'm so sorry for everything. She spoke within her mind, hoping that somehow, Steve could hear her. She prayed to him to give her strength to get through this. If his spirit was by her side, she knew she could...

She had to stop these thoughts. Already her throat was dry and tears were ready to rain from her eyes, but she took a sharp, deep breath and forced them away.

She was both anxious and worried to get to the next town. What if it had already spread? What if it was even worse then Raccoon City? What if they were just walking into a death trap? At least if they went back to Raccoon, they'd know where things were. They'd know how to get to the police station, or home, or a certain road to take. In this town – Claire knew next to nothing. She had only been there once when she had gotten lost during a mindless motorcycle ride. They could all easily get trapped and eaten alive. Claire almost turned around at that thought.

The night was becoming more and more uncanny with every hour. It was cool but sultry and stiff. Claire was sweating more and more with every step she took. A slight mist was starting but it stayed low to the ground, hovering like a ghost above the grass and crickets. Claire hoped they could get there before it arose. If it did, they wouldn't be able to see a thing. That wasn't good at a time like this.

Claire carried the pistol in her arms like she was involved in a war. To her, it all was a war. Just as she had thought earlier on. She checked her phone frequently but still had no signal. Suddenly, a barn came into view. Claire squinted to see if there were a house to go along with it so she could call Chris from there, but it was just an old, rickety, abandoned barn, sitting ominously all by itself in the misty field. It gave Claire an uneasy feeling. It was eerie to her. The kind of eerie that caused the hair on her arms to stand, to send goosebumps down her spine. She wasn't used to the country. She just wanted to get to the next town; to the city. Even if it wasn't Raccoon, it was better then out here in these unfriendly fields.

As Claire took another step she heard a feminine groan from behind her. Before she could even spin around, she heard Tara yell out Angela's name. When she turned she saw Angela on her knees, groping her stomach. Claire darted back and when she reached Angela, she saw her face was twisted painfully. She glanced toward Tara who looked startled but unsure of what to do. Claire herself was unsure of what to do.

"What's wrong Ang?" she asked irritably. They didn't have time for this. Claire was in pain too but she wasn't dramatically falling to her knees and crying out like a baby.

"I don't know.. Out of no where I felt a sharp pain in my sto-" Angela interrupted herself with another agonized moan. Claire suddenly felt that familiar cold sensation grow within her stomach. It was fear, genuine fear. When she put two and two together she realized Angela was clutching her stomach and she was pregnant! That wasn't good.

"Well, we're almost to the next town. So come on. Get up." She bent down and attempted to force Angela to her feet by grabbing her arm but she was too big to handle alone.

"Tara help me." she ordered. As much as she really didn't want the girls help, she couldn't deny needing it. Tara threw a disgusted face at Claire but obeyed. Both girls hoisted her up but as soon as they let go, she fell to her knees once again.

"I can't...it hurts too much. I can't walk." she panted sounding breathless.

Why did she have to do this? Why now?

"Try to stand up Ang." Claire said. Angela pulled herself up weakly but wobbled drunkly on unsteady feet before crashing once more to the ground. Then she began to weep.

"I'm scared, I don't know what's wrong with me." she whispered mournfully. "My baby, no!" she cried as she lunged forward in pain. She let out more nerve-splitting howls.

"Okay okay!" Claire shouted through Angela's cries. Her yelling was agitating Claire. "Tara, let's carry her. Come on."

Both girls repeated what they had done earlier on, slipping Angela's arms around their necks and pulling her to her feet. They began to walk with her but Claire knew this wasn't going to work. Angela wasn't even using her feet and she kept trying to pull her arm back into her control.

"My stomach...It hurts." she kept saying.

"Tara, let's carry her into that barn." Claire said.

"What? Why?" the prissy girl questioned, only adding to Claire's utter annoyance.

"Well she can't walk on her own, we certainly aren't going to be able to carry her all the way there, so we're going to let her rest in there till she feels up to walking." Claire answered. "Get it now?" she added sourly and Tara sneered but did what Claire had instructed.

As they got closer and closer to the barn, Claire's fear grew wider and wider. What if they ran into a zombie? She wished she could pull the gun out but it was jammed uncomfortably into her pocket since she had to use both of her arms to support the giant that was Angela. It of course didn't fit all the way so the end of it was sticking out. She hoped she remembered to put the safety on. Chris always nagged her about that. If the trigger was accidentally touched right now, she'd blow her foot off.

It was pitch dark inside. Too bad they didn't have a flash light. Then Claire remembered she had a lighter that Chris had given her awhile back as a gag gift for her birthday. The memory almost caused a smile to touch her lips but the fear forced her face still. Now that they were in, she was even more terrified.

"Tara, I gotta reach in the backpack. I've got a lighter in there, let's set her down right here."

Tara said nothing but she listened and Claire was honestly surprised. She figured the only reason Tara wasn't barking and arguing was because it was Angela they were dealing with. If it was vice versa and Claire was the one that was hurt, it'd be a different story.

Claire set her backpack down and opened it. She tore through it for a long time before finding the lighter.

"Could you hurry up?" Tara's pesky voice shattered the silence that surrounded them. In fact it was so silent that when Tara finally did speak, it sounded as if she were shouting. It caused Claire's heart to jolt. She decided to this time ignore Tara's petty words. She flipped the bronze zippo lighter opened and lit it.

The whole barn was now illuminated with a soft, warm glow. But it didn't seem as friendly as the light was making it out to be. Claire instantly pulled the gun from her pocket and held it before her, ready to shoot at any given moment should something come after them. The flickering flame cast Claire and Tara's shadows on the crumbling walls of the barn. Other then some left over hay, nothing was in there. It smelled like horse manure but it wasn't so bad. It still gave Claire that eerie feeling, but she ignored it and turned her attention back to Angela.

She ordered Tara to lift her again and they carried her to a small pile of hay. It wasn't much but it was better then laying her on the dirty, concrete floor. Her eyes were closed but her face was still scrunched up like she was in terrible pain.

"Angela, are you okay?" Claire asked, forcing her voice to be calm and gentle.

Angela opened her eyes just slightly and glanced weakly at Claire through the slits.

"Claire, this is crazy but I...I think I might have my baby tonight.."