12. Perhaps this wasn't the right decision
It was a day of the week and I was feeling horribly sick. I threw up four times and sneezed every 5 minutes. As if that wasn't bad enough, I had a huge headache.
I laid on the bed rolled-up like a cat and every once in a while I got up again to throw up. The box of tissues was right next to me and it was also already the third box. There was no way I could fall asleep, but there was also no way I could do anything other than lay in the bed. I stared at the ceiling and thought about… nothing.
Hours later I heard a ring which woke me up. Somehow I fell asleep during counting sheep. Somehow I did fell asleep and I dreamed about nothing. It was nice to just sleep for a while. Without having dreams about Troy. Without remembering our relationship through dreams. Without going through hell all over again. Every time I closed my eyes, I saw him. And most of the times I felt pain, but sometimes… sometimes I felt nothing. It was like he was indifferent to me. It was like he meant nothing to me. That's when I got scared. Those dreams scared the hell out of me. Because those dreams… those dreams meant my daughter will grow up without a father and then… then she would end up like me.
Pregnant and alone.
The ring sound was there again. I sighed and slowly got up. On my way to the front door I looked at the watch: it was eight p.m.. Wait, what day was it again? My eyes moved down to the calendar, shit it was Thursday. It was a Thursday and it was eight.
No, no, no! How could this happen? Why does this always have to happen to me?
I brushed through my hair and felt the headache coming up again.
There was a third ring and I sneezed as I opened it.
A man in a black shirt and dark jeans looked at me.
"You forgot it?" he asked me shocked as he eyeballed me. I was just wearing some sweatpants and an old white shirt.
I sneezed again, "I'm sorry… It's just I haven't been feeling very well the last couple of days and… yeah, I forgot it. I also forgot to give Ashley the check." I said as my eyes moved to the check was still hanging there. "I am a horrible person. Give me five minutes." I said and held the door open, "I'll be quick." I said and sneezed again.
"Oh no, that's not gonna happen."
"You really think I don't want to go? Oh come on!" I said and sighed, "I-"
"We won't go out. Not tonight anyway."
"Are you-"
"We will stay here." he said and placed his coat on the couch.
"You…"
"I will make you a chicken soup."
"Don't have any chicken."
"I will go to the store and you will go back into your bed." he said and I looked at him before I sneezed again. "You will definitely need to stay in bed."
I sighed, "Alright fine. Take the key on table in the kitchen, otherwise I will have to get up in a couple of minutes again." I said and felt the headache.
"Should I buy you some headache tablets?" he asked me worried.
I shouldn't take any tablets, right? It may cause damage to the baby. "No. No tablets. But thanks for asking." I said and let my lips from a smile.
He nodded, "Go back to bed. I will be back in a couple of minutes." he answered before he picked up the key and left the flat.
I sneezed and smiled as my eyes were still focused on the front door. He means what he said. He wouldn't give up. It was nice to see such a strong will in him.
Minutes later I was laying on the couch instead of my bed. I sneezed as I switched on the TV. Nothing good was on. No good movie, no good series… no good talk shows. But there was this nice documentary about lions. I decided that this would be what I would watch.
The door opened as a lion fight was shown on the scream.
"Ew, I can't watch this!" I said and turned my head away, so I wouldn't see it.
"What are you watching?" Troy asked me as he placed the plastic bags on the kitchen table.
"Something I shouldn't. Lion documentary."
"And now why is it so disgusting?" he asked me from the kitchen.
"It's not disgusting it's just… You know, there wasn't… I mean,… Oh fine whatever. I won't watch it anyway now." I said and got up. Too fast. I felt the dizziness right away. And I also felt how my body fell back on the couch again.
"Are you okay?" he asked me when he heard my body fall on the couch.
"I'm fine!" I yelled back. "I am fine." I mumbled to myself and placed my hands on my stomach. In that moment Troy walked in.
"Stomach ache?" he asked me.
Shit. Don't tell him. He doesn't have to know yet. "Yeah…" I said and nodded.
"I should have gotten any painkillers."
I shook my head, "I am feeling fine."
"You are sick."
"Well-"
"How did you get sick exactly? I mean…"
"Caught it from some one at work. Colleagues were sick, so that's where I got it perhaps."
He nodded, "Tea?"
"Oh no, please! No tea."
"You will still drink a lemon tea. At least one." he said and walked back into the kitchen.
I sighed and got up. This time slowly and carefully. No dizziness, no vertigos… nothing.
"Why didn't you go home when you saw me?" I asked him as I entered the kitchen. The soup was already cooking in a pot and the water was already in the electric kettle. He was caring. Caring about me.
"Why should I?"
"Why should you?"
"I won't walk away. I told you this more than once. That's why I am here." he said and looked at me, "I still love you. I care about you. I need you."
I put on my poker face. A face without any emotion, because I couldn't figure out what I felt. I couldn't figure out if there was still something I felt for him. "You don't need me and you know it."
"How can you be so cold?" he asked me as he filled the cups with hot water.
"Because I know now the truth. You showed me how you really felt and I accepted it."
"Then why do you let me get so close to you again?"
"I have my reasons." Our daughter.
"What kind of reasons?"
"I won't tell you." Yet.
"Better be some good reason." Oh it is.
"Perhaps the decision to let you be with me again wasn't a good one." I said as he handed me the cup.
"Still hot, be careful." he said and walked back to the stove again. The soup was nearly done, "Do you still have feelings for me?" he asked me out of sudden.
I took a sip of the hot tea, "I loved you with all my heart, but now it scares me how I feel nothing when I think of you." I said honest.
"You're definitely still not afraid to tell the truth. That's one of the things I love about you."
I let the words echo in the kitchen.
"I won't forgive you and you know it."
"I know, but deep down inside of you there's still something. There are still feelings for me. And whether you like it or not, I will do everything to sustain them."
I didn't response. Not in my actions and not with my words.
I took a sip of the hot tea and burned my tongue. Too bad this wasn't the only thing which I burned. My heart felt like it was in flames again. Flames of lust… of need… of love?
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