Chapter 12 - Come Love, See My Hands

"Rough Terrain"

Bella's POV

I had been awake now for at least a week.

But who was keeping track, why did it matter.

I no longer had a reason to count down days until I saw my baby.

Because my baby was dead.

Simple as that.

None of that reading between the lines bull.

I'd been home since last Friday, two days after I'd found out my baby was stillborn.

Really I should have been emitted to the Psych ward.

Because I haven't felt a thing, or said a word, or moved an inch since I found out.

Edward has.

He's been trying to snap me out of it.

Sitting next to me in our bed, tears streaming down his face.

Not even a blink.

I'm incapable.

If I could move an inch, or feel a thing, or say a word, the first gesture would be made toward Edward.

He's lost something also.

Two things if you count my recent reaction coma.

Still I feel nothing.

And then I feel guilty, which is just about all I've felt since.

I feel no human interaction.

Just my own human thoughts battling against my other human thoughts.

Like a tennis match

Back and forth

Back and forth

And then the final score comes up.

Love to love.

I'm not getting anywhere.

I sit in the chair in the corner of the bedroom, staring out of the large window in front of me.

I feel a tear tumble down my cheek

I hear a door close

My lungs collapse

And I cry.

I hear the phone ring, the machine picks up.

More sympathy.

Alice this time.

I cry.

I leave the bedroom, removing myself from the situation.

I see the nursery.

And I collapse

Right in the middle of her room

I scream until I fall asleep

I wake up in his arms, gliding down the hallway back to the bedroom

I cry.

He cries.

We cry.

I feel.

Guilty

For causing more work for Edward

Sorry

That I can't come out of this

Terrible

That I couldn't save her

Worse

That I'm not trying to fix this

Even worse

That I can only think of negative solutions

Miserable

When I realize that maybe it's too late

I fall asleep.

Edward's POV

She's gone.

They're gone

I'm alone

I hear the clock ticking, between her gentle sobs.

And I wrack my brain for hours on end.

I wish I could help her

I wish I was strong enough to carry both of us

I cry

She cries.

I leave to get groceries.

She's asleep in the nursery, again.

I carry her to the bed.

We cry.

I kiss her, she doesn't seem to notice

"I'm sorry." I whisper, but she doesn't respond.

I fall asleep.

Bella's POV

I wake up, with a clear mind.

My senses returned to me.

I make a pot of coffee, and Edward joins me soon.

He walks into the room, surprised to see me standing on the terrace, coffee cup in hand.

"Are you alright?" He asks, and I just nod once, and walk back inside.

"Bella?" He says, and my head turns his direction.

"I love you." He says, a million reassuring tones in those three words.

I nod more.

He joins me on the couch

I place my cup on the coffee table

"Can you say something?" He begs, his expression devastated.

"What do you want me to say?" I asked, my voice raspy with exhaustion.

"Anything…." He whispers, looking at the floor

"I love you, too." I reply, before leaving the room, and the coffee cup behind me.

One Week Later

We'd been speaking like this for a week now. And I just figured it was a start.

Still, I couldn't feel much astray from apathy toward him.

Indifference.

I cried as I showered, just to drown out the noise.

No one knew I was still crying everyday, because I did it only in privacy.

Only when the house was empty, or the bathroom door was locked.

I had trouble remembering what it had been like for us, before we moved in together, and before we'd been given the baby to look forward too.

I tried to remember every second that I could.

….. Nothing.

It was all gone.

Edward didn't seem to feel much better either.

He knew that my thoughts were reeling, and I think we both knew that was never good.

I tried to ignore his presence most of the time.

Just to avoid awkward conversation.

I'd tuned the entire world out.

And for those short periods of time in which I felt interaction were necessary, it usually led to some sort of argument, or a snide remark followed by one of us leaving the room.

I felt responsible for it.

I felt selfish.

I hated it.

He was hurting, and I knew it.

But for some reason that couldn't stop me from hurting him.

For hurting us.

I was bitter.

But, realizing my actions couldn't get me to stop making them.

Everyday seemed to be on loop.

Silence in the morning

Separation in the afternoon

Arguments in the evening.

It was the same, everyday.

And I don't think either of us knew why.

I don't think either of us knew what triggered it.

I don't think either of us still had it in us.

I think we're done.

I think he's done.

I know he's done.

I know he's angry.

I know he's sympathetic.

I know he doesn't mean anything he says while we fight.

But knowing all of this doesn't keep me from pretending he does mean what he says while we're fighting.

It doesn't change anything.

And then it's all too much.

And I collapse on the floor of the kitchen, where we've been arguing for the past twenty minutes.

He tends to me, kissing my forehead, apologetic. I shake it off.

I cry.

"Bella…" He begins. "I'm so sorry. Everything's going to be alright. I promise you. I'm never going to give up on you. Never." He says. I stand up, as does he. And I feel the vulnerability of this conversation. And I knock it right back down, severing it's entire existence.

I shout.

"Don't patronize me," I say, anger in my voice. He releases his grip on my arm. He leaves the room. I sit on the couch, and I am silent.

He leaves later.

I pack my bags.

I leave his house. I drive to Forks.

I break his heart, and I ruin our lives

And that was the end of our story.

And it didn't have a happy ending.

But it also wasn't over.

But I didn't know that until now.

I realized a few days later that I'd just left the person who cared about me most, when he needed me most.

I realized that I was a horrible person for what I'd done.

I was selfish.

I was wrong.

It was too late to go back.

I couldn't go back.

I drive to the liquor store, the only one here in forks.

I buy something strong, and I drive back to my father's old house. The one I'd been given after his death, the one that I couldn't find in my heart to sell.

I drink

And I cry.

And I drink more.

And then I pass out.

And I feel nothing for a few hours out of the day.

And it make me feel better.

And the next day,

I do it again.

Edward's POV

She's gone.

She left?

I wonder.

I ask everyone.

I call Alice

I call Jasper

I call my parents

I call Tanya

I call Mike.

I call everyone.

She's gone.

I drive, until I can't any longer. I go to Port Angeles for a few days.

We wait.

She's gone.

No note, no word, nothing.

She's just gone.

I explain.

Explain the state of our relationship, to everyone.

They're sorry.

But I don't care.

I need her.

I love her.

She has to come back.

She knows I need her.

She knows I'm never giving up.

But, she left.

And now I have give up.

Because it's what she wants.

And I want her to be happy.

I walk to the liquor store a few blocks from our now empty home.

I drink

And I cry.

And I drink more.

And then I pass out.

And I feel nothing for a few hours out of the day.

And it make me feel better.

And the next day,

I do it again.

And I make it through another week.

And I imagine she does too.

But, I'll never know.

So I drink more.

And the next day.

I do it again.

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Songs:

Slow it down - The lumineers (plays at the beginning of the chapter, as they drift into a routine)

Hiding my heart - Adele (bella leaves, they both begin to drink)

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A/N:

Hey, guys.

So that was not a fun chapter.

The next few probably won't be either.

But sometimes I get impatient.

That probably why It took me so long to write this, because I knew after, I wouldn't be able to stop writing for a while.

But, I'll have something new up soon.

Sorry that every time I say that I'm usually lying. But, hopefully I'm not this time. Haha.

- Sierra