A/N: I didn't get to all the reviews this time around, and I'm sorry about that. I love you all and read each review. It means the world to me that you're coming along on this little journey.
When she woke up after her visit with Edward, Bella was again lost to the silence.
She obeyed her various doctors' orders, walking with the physical therapist when it was required and sat through their various tests without complaint. Her body was healing; she was getting stronger. It would only be two days, possibly three, before she was released from the hospital.
Then what? she wondered. No matter how much time passed, she couldn't figure how this was supposed to work out.
Change had never been an easy thing for Bella. She agonized over every major life decision before she made a choice. Having so many decisions made for her was disorienting. Her life was completely unrecognizable.
It was a strange, surreal experience: being told who she was.
Her parents said she lived in Seattle, in a two bedroom apartment she shared with Jacob. She was a counselor at one of Seattle's local high schools. Her mother chuckled and said she must have inherited just a touch of her flightiness. She'd been so indecisive about what she wanted to do for a living, she ended up in a position where she helped high school kids figure out what they wanted for their future.
Not that any of it mattered. That past was over. Jacob was dead, and she didn't remember her education. A high school Senior couldn't be a guidance counselor.
And, as people kept trying to remind her, her life was just going to change dramatically again shortly.
The rest of the afternoon passed, bleeding into evening. Bella answered her parents' and the doctors' questions with as few words as possible. When they asked her to perform some task, she was obedient, proving that she was a real, live, functioning girl. For the life of her she couldn't figure out what came next - how being able to walk, talk, and reason logically would help her figure out what she was supposed to do with this strange life she'd been handed. She spent the rest of the time just staring out the window at the outside world she now felt so separated from.
Night became a new day, and Bella woke again when she heard a familiar, rumbling voice.
"How is she?" Billy asked, and Bella closed her eyes tighter, not knowing if she could face Jake's father.
Charlie sighed. "She's getting stronger but..." He paused, and when he spoke again, his voice was heavy with worry. "I don't know, Billy. She's so quiet. I don't know how to help her." He scoffed. "I don't even know if she needs help or she just needs time."
"Keep on as you have, I suppose," Billy said softly. "Day by day. That's all any of us can do right now."
Wise words, Bella reflected. She tried to remind herself that she didn't have to deal with everything all at once. The only way she was going to get through this was to take it one step at a time.
Right then, the next step she had to take was facing Billy. All things considered, it probably was going to be one of the easier things she would have to face in coming months.
Reminding herself that Billy had lost his son and just wanted to see she was doing well, Bella moved, pretending to stir. Under the guise of stretching, she stalled, breathing in deep and out again slowly before she turned.
"Hey, Bells," Charlie said, putting on a smile. He didn't hide his worry well, and Bella felt a brief pang. She wished she could smile back, let him believe she was fine, but she wasn't.
She hadn't yet found the strength to pretend, but she wanted to get there. She saw no reason her mother and father should suffer with her. "Hi, Dad," she greeted quietly.
Charlie nodded to the side and Bella looked up to find that Billy was there with a familiar looking young woman pushing his chair. "Rachel?" she guessed, knowing it was one of Jacob's sisters and guessing, as Rebecca was in Hawaii, it had to be Rachel.
The young woman smiled. "No. Rebecca."
Of course. Her brother's death would have been a good reason to leave Hawaii, even if the plane tickets were often pricey.
Billy smiled at her genuinely. "Hey, Bella. It's good to see you awake."
"I decided to stop being lazy," she tried to joke, but her tone fell too flat to impart much humor.
Billy and Rebecca smiled back at her anyway. Charlie hovered against the wall as they talked, his eyes ever watchful. For once, Bella was glad he was being so clingy. It meant he saw when she got too exhausted, noticed when her concentration wavered and she began to stumble over her words. He saved her the awkwardness of having to hint that she was tired. It was okay for Charlie to bluntly shoo his friend away.
The visit wasn't too bad, even better than she expected, until the very end. Just before they left, Billy rested his hand over her belly, oblivious to to her sudden discomfort and the way her body went rigid. "Take care of yourself, and your and Jacob's little package," he said, squeezing her hand briefly before Rebecca wheeled him away.
"Bella?" Charlie asked, his voice slightly panicked. "Are you okay?"
Bella realized she was gripping her blankets with fists so tight, her skin was taught and white around her knuckles. She was also biting her lip so hard she was very near to drawing blood. "I'm fine," she managed, but her voice was so strained, even the biggest sucker in the world would have called her on her bullshit.
Charlie sat in the chair beside her, stroking her arm a little too roughly to soothe. "What is it?" He asked, though his tone was distinctly nervous. "You can tell me. We can figure it out, whatever it is."
"It's ..." How could she put words to the panic that threatened to overwhelm her whenever she thought of the pregnancy? That word still seemed so impossible. She'd put so much of her energy to pretending it didn't exist. She couldn't handle the thought - not with everything else. But they wouldn't let her forget. Her mother tried to sympathize about her nausea. The doctors talked about the importance of vitamin D, folic acid, and keeping active once she was released from the hospital. Bella did her best to imagine her mind had an impenetrable shield. Any words she didn't want to hear became meaningless noise.
"It's just... I miss Jacob," she blurted, desperate to think of something else to escape the encroaching hysteria. It wasn't a complete lie, anyway. Seeing Billy and Rebecca made her ache for her friend. They'd spoken briefly about his service when she asked, and she'd been able to tell them how sorry she was she couldn't be there.
Charlie calmed considerably, and he patted her shoulder. "I know. It's been hard."
Bella tried to focus on Jacob. Even thinking about her friend, as heartbroken as it left her, was preferable to how she felt when she even began to think about the pregnancy. Simply dealing with waking up as she had, with eight years of her life missing and the world gone on without her, Bella felt like she was barely keeping her head above water. She knew she would have to deal with the reality that she was pregnant soon, but the prospect was petrifying. It loomed on her horizon like a hurricane gathering force, and she felt when it hit, she would surely be torn to pieces, left completely devastated and shattered.
Today, though, even Jacob's profound loss seemed small in her mind, and she couldn't hang on to it. She was being drawn closer and closer to the storm she wasn't even remotely ready to deal with. Her throat closed and her heart sped. Her lungs felt tight, pricked with pain because she'd begun to breathe too quickly. She scrambled for purchase, something to hold on to that would keep her world from spinning too crazily. "Can I... Can I borrow your phone?" she asked quickly. It was still strange to her. Cell phones were, obviously, not unheard of, but the fact they were so prevalent that her father - who still owned a VCR (though that might have changed as well) - carried one around was slightly mind boggling.
Then again, so was everything else.
Charlie looked confused. "Who do you need to call?"
Annoyance helped temper her rising panic. She was sure Charlie hadn't been this nosy when she was actually 17. "I just need to talk to Edward."
"Edward? You mean, Agent Cullen?" Charlie asked looking even more perplexed.
"We're friends. He told me that," she said defensively, feeling like she was being called out for being rude to one of her elders.
"I know that, Bella," Charlie said, his voice placating. "What do you need from him?"
That was a good question. Now that she thought of it, she couldn't quite understand why Edward's name had been the one she pulled out. Perhaps it was because she knew he was an FBI Agent that she felt somehow safer in his presence. All she knew is that she wanted to see him again. "Um. I didn't get to ask him all the questions I needed to." This wasn't a lie either. There was more she wanted to know, and Edward was the only person, besides his partner Jasper whom she could not remember at all, who could answer them.
Charlie frowned. "I don't know. He upset you yesterday."
"He didn't upset me," she argued. "I was upset because of Jake. That wasn't his fault." She said the last words firmly, just in case her father harbored any doubt about that fact. She didn't hold anyone responsible for her current condition or Jacob's death. She wasn't even sure she blamed Sam.
"I just don't want you to push yourself when-"
"Dad," she cut him off, her voice angry and more than a little bitter. "Don't you get it? Every time I wake up, it's already too much. That's not going to change any time soon."
~0~
Edward put on his suit and fixed his tie as if he was in a trance.
As seemed to be his standard for the last nearly three weeks of his life, he was at a total loss for what to do.
In just a few hours, the team in Seattle would arrest Sam Uley on several corporate fraud charges. SAC Banner and the rest of the team in Forks were currently getting ready to move back to the Seattle field office to continue the case against the Wolfe brothers. Of course, Edward suspected Uley's lawyers would have him out of jail by the time they all got back into town.
Again, the situation had changed for Edward. A few days previous, he was resolved to let his secret be known so he would not have to leave Bella's side. It was difficult for him to be away from her, especially now that she was awake. A big part of Edward thought that the more he could be in her presence, the more likely she would begin to remember.
Then again, since she was awake and her reality was skewed, he had no idea how she would react if he continued to skulk around her hospital room. What if she felt threatened, or felt that he was creepy? Getting banished from her side completely wouldn't be conducive either to his cause nor to his sanity. Either way, he didn't want to bring her more stress.
What then? Did he follow the investigation to Seattle to give her space?
That just didn't feel right at all.
Sighing, Edward headed out of his room, down the stairs.
In his distraction, it took Edward almost fifteen minutes of Jasper's snippy comments for him to realize his partner was in a very bad mood. "What's with you?" he asked.
Jasper blew out a long breath. "I shouldn't complain. Not to you."
"I asked, Jasper," Edward pressed.
Taking a long sip of his coffee, Jasper was silent for a few moments, staring off into space. "It's already been difficult to see Alice. This will make things even more complicated."
For a moment, Edward could only stare at his partner, then he gave a bark of acerbic laughter.
"I told you," Jasper said softly. "I know it's not so insurmountable-"
"No, it isn't," Edward snapped. "She'll be at most a four hour drive away at any time. You have options. If things are going all that well, she can find a job easily in one of the hospitals in Seattle."
"Edward-"
Edward pushed up from the table, thoroughly aggravated. "At least she remembers you - remembers your first kiss, all the little moments. All the little things that you thought would always be yours and hers alone, you still have."
He sat back down again, abruptly crushed.
"I'm sorry, Edward," Jasper said after a moment, his tone completely sincere.
Closing his eyes, Edward breathed in and out slowly. "No, I'm sorry," he said finally. "I did ask. Just because my life is what it is doesn't give me an excuse to be so unsympathetic, especially not to you. You have every right to feel frustrated." He laughed humorlessly.
"What's so funny?"
"I was just remembering," Edward mumbled. "Before all this happened... I used to get frustrated that most of our day to day relationship happened over the phone." His sigh was longing. "Now, I'd give anything just to have her call me again."
Just as the words left his mouth, Edward's phone rang. Grumbling, he dug it out of his pocket, pressing it to his ear without looking at who was calling. "Cullen."
"Edward?" Bella's voice asked uncertainly.
~0~
Before Edward could escape to Bella's hospital room, he had to do his part for the investigation, tying up loose ends before the team moved back to Seattle.
When everyone besides Jasper and the SAC had departed, Banner took him aside.
"Cullen, I'm going to ask you to stay here through the weekend in case I need someone on point in La Push," his SAC barked gruffly.
Edward looked at him, blinking. "Sir?" he asked, baffled.
Banner huffed. "Don't argue, Cullen. I swear to God, if we weren't ass deep in this case, I'd be bringing you in for an official review. Take this time, get your act together, and get back in the game, do I make myself clear?"
Edward's jaw tightened, caught halfway between being pissed off at Banner's assertion that he hadn't been giving his all and being ridiculously grateful for the reprieve. He jerked his head, nodding that he understood. "Yes, sir."
He breathed a little lighter when Banner was safely on his way, his head spinning as he tried to figure out how he'd gotten off so easily for the time being.
"You talked to him, didn't you?" Edward asked a moment later, saying goodbye to Jasper.
His friend shook his hand, holding for a moment as he grinned. "Not everything is as insurmountable as you think either, Edward."
~0~
It was afternoon before Edward could finally get to Bella's room. He peered in carefully, wary of who he would run into. He was pleasantly surprised to find that Bella was alone. Her head was faced away, toward the window. He thought for a moment she was asleep, but then he saw she was playing with her blanket, her fingers winding in and out of the fabric.
He knocked on the wall to get her attention. When she rolled her head in his direction, her lips turning up at the corners in a small but beautiful smile. Edward couldn't help but smile back. "Hey," he greeted softly.
"Hi," she said shyly.
Crossing the room, he dropped into the chair by her side, hoping it was okay for a friend to reach out and touch her hand briefly. "How have you been today?"
"You know, it's all very exciting. People watch me walk." Her eyebrows furrowed. "Did you know that some people who um... who get amnesia... they can forget things like that?" She scoffed, shaking her head. "Can you imagine? Forgetting how to walk?"
"No, I can't imagine that," he said honestly. "I suppose that's something to be thankful for, right?"
Bella nodded. "The doctors say I might find there are things like that... random things... holes in my automatic memory." She sighed. "Something to look forward to, I guess."
"It's very possible nothing like that will happen," Edward said quietly.
"Maybe." She cleared her throat, ready to move on to other topics. "So, I'm really sorry about yesterday."
He was confused. "Sorry? What on earth are you sorry for?"
She seemed sheepish. "It's kind of rude, isn't it? I didn't mean to lose it like that."
Edward had to laugh, he was so startled. "Bella... you are remarkably composed for someone in your position. You deserve a good cry. You deserve to be able to grieve, not just for Jacob, but for... well... everything."
Bella looked down at her hands. He could see she was biting her lip, trying not to cry. Taking a chance, he brushed the tips of his fingers against her cheek briefly. "It's okay."
She clutched his hand suddenly, tightly, and he could feel her trembling. He ran his thumb over her knuckles, just being there as her breath shuddered. She closed her eyes tight and after five long beats she opened them again, looking slightly calmer. "Thank you," she whispered.
Releasing her reluctantly, he sat back. "So, you have more questions?" he asked carefully.
She didn't speak right away, instead going back to her game of playing with the edge of her balanket. "Did he suffer?" she asked finally.
Edward didn't have to ask who she was talking about. For a moment he was silent, searching for the best words to explain. "It was very quick. It took me less than a minute to run from the car to the house. He was already dead when I saw him."
Again, her eyes fluttered closed. "Is it wrong to think that's good?"
"I don't think so. Jacob was a good man. It's horrible that he died, and the way he died - so violently... he didn't deserve that. The most any of us can ask for is a quick, painless death," he said earnestly.
She finally raised her head, looking at him with sad, curious eyes. "How well did you know him? You said we're friends; were you friends with Jacob?" When Edward hesitated, she gave him an encouraging smile. "It's okay. I want you to tell me the truth."
His lips quirked up and down as he considered her words. The truth. He wished he could tell her all the truth.
But now wasn't the time.
"It's not that I didn't like him," he said truthfully. "We just never really had the opportunity to talk more than business."
She seemed to sink further back into her pillows. "So you didn't really see us... together. I mean, you didn't see how we were as a couple," she surmised, not asking but putting bits of information together.
How difficult it must be, piecing together your own life.
He tilted his head, studying her carefully. His eyes widened. "Are you asking because you don't remember?" he guessed, trying to keep his voice even. Of course, he knew that she and Jacob knew each other since they were young kids. They got together at some point when they were both still in high school. When that had happened, he was never entirely clear.
"Jacob's always been my friend. We were just getting to be really good friends," she said a little tearfully. "But I can't... I've never seen him that way. I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around it."
"That's..." Good, he wanted to say, but she seemed so overwrought, he couldn't bring himself to think it was a positive thing. "Interesting," he amended.
She growled in frustration, putting her hands over her eyes. "You know, maybe it's better, in the scheme of things. I don't remember falling in love with him. If this had to happen to me, maybe it's better."
Looking up at him, her expression was heartsick. "Can you imagine what that would be like? If he was here right now and still in love with me, I couldn't be in love with him. I couldn't make myself see him that way. He doesn't deserve that. No one deserves that."
A/N: Gee, what does Edward know about that?
Endless thanks to jfka06 for looking this over for me and barburella for stalking my docs.
