A/N: Another M-rated chapter, so you've been warned! Totally borrowed the shower idea from Teamhousemaid on tumblr, so I hope you'll like it! Special thanks to my super editor Terrie and to everyone who has reviewed so far. Hope you'll enjoy this chapter!
Chapter Twelve
Anna got out of the car and looked at the building across the street, instant trepidation running through her. Oblivious to her internal turmoil was the active city around them, as busy as ever on a weekday as London was. She took a deep breath. She remembered very well the last time she had been here. It had not been a much different day. Slight drizzle and a chilly wind. She wondered if she was ready for this.
"Are you sure you want to do this?"
John's voice interrupted her thoughts, and she turned her gaze to him as he looked at her from across the car. She managed a smile. Yes, she wanted to do this. Even though it had been almost two years, she needed to do this in order to properly move on and she had always known this, right from the start. She just had never had the will – the strength – to do this.
Anna nodded. "Yes, I'm sure."
She wasn't worried. Anxious, maybe. Perhaps anxious to get this over with, she wasn't sure. Walking slowly towards him, she caught his hand when they crossed the street together. And as she tried on the keys to the door, thankful that it had worked, she hadn't let his hand go. The warmth of his skin soothed her somehow, even though he had been silent for the most of it. She could feel his worried gaze on her, and she did her best to appear calm. She appreciated his presence, his willingness to accompany her there. She knew she couldn't do it alone. She knew she couldn't do it without him.
"It's on the first floor so we're almost there," Anna found herself saying as they started up the stairs.
John nodded. "This is a nice place. Well located."
Anna hummed an agreement. "Yeah, we were going to live here after we… after the wedding. At least for a while."
"But you didn't live here," it was more of a question than a statement. They reached the corridor.
"No. I spent the night occasionally. Sometimes came here after work to make sure everything was all right," she told him with a half-smile. "Colin could be a bit of a slob sometimes."
It didn't feel bad, to talk about him to John. He was understanding, and a very good listener. He never overstepped with his questions and Anna found it so easy to share her thoughts and memories with him. She wasn't exactly looking forward to doing this, but it was somewhat easier knowing she had someone there too. She stopped in front of the door and slid the key inside the lock. She wasn't sure if she liked the click sound it made. It was unlocked. All she had to do was turn the doorknob. And, for a moment, she thought about locking it again and leaving.
It wasn't every day you went back to the place where you found your fiancé's dead body.
She took a shaky breath and opened the door carefully. It was just like it had always been, judging by the first sight of the flat. The air was a bit close, if anything. She doubted anyone came here much these days. Everything about the place reminded her of Colin, though it smelled surprisingly impersonal. She supposed someone had been keeping it clean, even if the place was a bit dusty. But then… they probably had it the place cleaned over after it all happened.
She felt a squeeze in her hand and looked at John. His kind eyes warmed her up instantly. She could do this.
"Let's get this done, yeah?" she said softly, her voice low. John nodded.
It was almost surreal to walk around that place again, to be surrounded by his possessions and to be in a place that used to be so familiar to her only a few years ago. She knew she didn't have many things over there, but she was quite shocked to find the place in such an immaculate state. It was almost as if Colin was still living there. She could see his CD collection from where she was standing,
"You said his mother wanted to leave it all as it was?" John asked her quietly.
Anna nodded, feeling slightly overwhelmed about it all. "He and his mother didn't get on well. I think I met her only once before… before his funeral. So I guess this was her way of coping."
Family was complicated, and she remembered it all too well from Colin's funeral. Everyone had seemed so shocked, herself included, but no one ever blamed her. His mother had been kind, and mentioned she intended on keeping Colin's place as it was for the time being, but that she was welcome to get her things from there whenever she wanted to. Anna never did. It was too painful to even think of returning to this place, let alone spending time there.
"Or maybe not coping," John observed as he looked around the living room with somewhat sad eyes. "I sympathise."
Anna smiled sadly at him and looked around the room one more time before taking a deep breath and, with a tug to John's hand, they headed to the corridor. She took little notice of the pictures hanging on the wall; she remembered them all too well, small moments that once upon a time had seemed like they would last forever but they were now absolutely gone – the only thing left for her were memories; memories that sometimes were more haunting than innocent.
Instead of debating on them, Anna gripped John's hand and guided him to the rooms where she knew she had kept some things.
It hadn't been easy, despite Anna not having much around. She found a couple of earrings, some clothes and a scarf, but that was about it. It was still raw in her mind how she and Colin had seemed so distant towards the ending, and that was visible through this; it hadn't been unusual for them to spend time in her flat instead, but not even that had been happening frequently. Being in this place only served to remind Anna of what they were – of the arguing, the feeling of helplessness, the shutting out. It had been years and, yet, it felt like yesterday.
Finally, after what seemed like hours, she had gathered some of her things under John's watchful gaze. They kept conversation light for the most part of it all; deciding where they'd go afterwards, what they were planning to do. It was almost absurd, considering the current situation. Anna didn't ponder much on it, though; Aunt Claire's words echoed in her ears and she knew she was right. Colin would have wanted her to be happy.
John made her happy. Even if it was such a recent relationship.
"I've forgotten to check the bathroom," Anna suddenly remembered as they were on their way out. "Go on ahead. I'll meet you in the car."
He looked worried. "Are you sure?"
Anna nodded. "I think I might have one or two things there. Should be quick. I'll meet you in a minute."
He seemed reluctant to leave her on her own, but he went anyway, taking the small box with Anna's belongings with him. She took a deep breath and turned around, quickly making her way back towards the corridor. She had seen this way too many times in her dreams recently. This time, she looked at the picture on the wall. She couldn't keep her eyes away. A picture was missing, the one that had been broken. The only one left was a big one of the two of them while on a vacation. Anna stared at the younger version of herself; she remembered this day. As she remembered many others.
She stopped by the bathroom door and took a deep breath before reaching for the doorknob. The white walls were as bright as she remembered, and she could feel her heart beating faster out of her chest. She sucked in a breath, averting her eyes from the bathtub and from the floor, and headed straight for the cabinets. Unlike anything in the flat, the bathroom smelled strongly of bleach, and it unsettled her somehow. She opened the cabinet. There were two of her lotions in there and she reached for them with shaky hands and closed the cabinet. The reflection of the white walls on the mirror made her jump slightly. She closed her eyes.
Red, dark blood.
She felt a bit light-headed, but decided to check the drawers too, though there was nothing there. She needed to get out. She turned to leave.
Despite it all, however, her gaze seemed to focus on a particular spot on the floor. She closed them again. The two items she had been holding fell to the floor. Flashbacks from two years ago ran through her mind; blood, blood on the walls and on the floor, and her fiancé's lifeless body there, his face nearly unrecognizable, a gun next to him. It was too raw, too recent, too clear, and she couldn't escape it.
She couldn't breathe.
"Anna?"
John's voice reached her ears and she instantly opened her eyes again. Two lone tears escaped them as she turned around, her resolve weakening the moment she laid eyes on him. She let out a sob and suddenly she was being enveloped in his embrace, clutching onto him as her sobs grew louder. His warmth comforted her, his presence made her feel safe, and she wasn't quite sure why she was crying anymore. Perhaps it was because of the overwhelming feeling this place left over her, with all the memories she desperately wanted to forget, but couldn't.
"I'm here," his voice was quiet, so quiet. "Don't let the bad memories erase the good ones. That's what you told me. Don't let it all go because of the bad."
She gasped at his words, holding him tighter than before, knowing this had to be done. She nodded against his chest; he was right. She couldn't forget the memories, she couldn't let them go, but she could live with them. And perhaps, in time, she could enjoy the happy ones without thinking of the sad times. It wouldn't be now or tomorrow, but it could happen.
This was just the first step.
The day had started sunny and despite the chilly air, it was a nice morning outside. Anna ran a bit faster, willing to make this day a better one. What with the long hours in the car to get to London and spending time at Colin's old flat, she felt as if the more she ran, the more grief went away; despite everything, despite the tiredness and the distress the previous day had caused, she felt better, motivated even. In a way, she felt relieved for having finally done it. To have gone there after so much time and to finally feel the closure she needed for so long made her happy. She would never forget Colin; he changed her life and made her who she was today.
But she could only be thankful to John, because he was the one who made her want to look forward to the future.
She was glad for the early morning air and the park right in front John's house; it wasn't Calm Waters, but it would do well. After they left Colin's flat, there was the question of where they should stay. Since John's place was nearer, they had decided to go there. It had been months since John was in the house, however, but Anna was surprised to find it in a reasonable state. The exhausting day had them staying in, as John had to take care of some things in the house, and they had eaten in a comfortable silence before heading to bed earlier than it was usual for them. And for the first night ever since they got together, they simply held each other to sleep, talking of little nothings and willing to escape to the land of dreams.
Surprisingly for Anna, she had had a very good night without as much as a simple dream, let alone the recurring nightmare she kept having. She woke up before John did, and upon checking out the weather outside, decided it would be nice to go for a run, which she hadn't done in the past few days. John had woken up as she got dressed, and she almost went back to bed and to his arms, but she was sure it would do her some good to go out on her own. She kissed him goodbye and promised she'd be back in no time.
He lived in a big place, far too big for just one person anyway, but it was tastefully decorated and more than she would expect from a single man, but she remembered he had been a father, after all. There were many rooms and a library – though not as big as the one in Calm Waters – and she voiced her approval of the place, even though John remained quiet. Sometimes she forgot he was a best-selling author who still sold many books. It was weird how she had come to know him so much that she rarely thought of the famous writer she was a fan of.
It was a nice neighbourhood too. There were some people walking their dogs and hurried people rushing to get to their work places. London somewhat made her tired, in a way. There was nothing like having the lake near her, the quiet atmosphere. It was difficult to believe she had lived so many years in this city – still did. Of course soon she would have to go back permanently, when they sold the place at the lake. She briefly wondered what would become of her and John, but she shook her head. She wouldn't think about that.
Anna crossed the street to John's house, opening the door quickly and stepping in, breathing hard from running but feeling extreme gratification in doing so. She could smell bacon, and smiled, deciding to make a detour in the kitchen before going in for a shower.
She found John in front of the stove, clad in his dark pyjama pants and a white shirt. His feet were bare and she felt a thrill run through her. He was humming a song, and she let out a small laugh at this. It was great to see him as happy as he seemed to be lately. He turned when her laugh reached his ears.
"Hello," John smiled.
"Hi," Anna said a bit shyly, suddenly very aware that she had been running for the past half an hour and was very sweaty.
John didn't seem to care. "Come here, you."
"Oh no, I'm all sweaty," she started, but he glared at her and she couldn't say no to him. "Fine, but I'm warning you, I really need a shower."
He rolled his eyes and she walked towards him; she wanted to keep a distance but he slipped his arms around her waist and pulled her closer, surprising her with a kiss on her lips. She yielded, unable to refuse him, especially when his lips were making her weak in the knees. When they pulled apart, she was the one to protest, and he chuckled.
"So, what are you making?" she asked after a moment.
"Some bacon and eggs," he said nonchalantly.
"Aren't you glad I said we should stop for groceries yesterday?" she teased him as she made to get away from his arms, but he wouldn't let her. "John, I need a shower. I'm all sweaty."
He interrupted her with a kiss, gentle and loving moving in sync with hers, and when she opened her mouth ever so slightly to let out a sigh, he took the chance to slip his tongue inside and she gulped down a moan, her arms encircling his neck as if to make sure she wouldn't fall. She couldn't get enough of the taste of him, especially after their quiet night together. She had feared that going to Colin's place would only serve to make her more hesitant about her relationship with John, but if anything it made her more sure of it. She was amazed that he could comfort her so quickly, say the right things all the time, and be so loving and amazing – so different from the writer she met months ago. This was different; it was more than comfort or physical intimacy. It seemed like the connection she felt with him months ago only increased and became something else – something better.
They pulled apart and he gave her a quick peck on her lips before settling her in his arms, a mischievous grin on his face.
"I've seen you all sweaty before. I quite like it," he commented before placing a kiss on her jaw. "I missed you this morning."
"You and your words," Anna smiled, cradling his face in her hands and grazing her lips softly against his. "Why don't you join me for that shower?"
He hummed in appreciation, but his smile fell after a second. "Only after breakfast is ready."
"You mean you started something you can't finish?" Anna asked him, arching her eyebrows. "What a shame."
She took a chance at his disappointment and slipped away from his arms, grinning.
"I'll go alone, then," she said softly, "I'll try not to be too long."
She winked at him before walking away, and she did not have to look to know that he was staring at her.
The bathroom was steamy when John pushed the door open, which had been left slightly ajar. Anna was apparently set on teasing him this morning; first when he woke up, then when she got back from her jogging and now this. He could make out her slim figure through the shower glass, and he felt suddenly hot. Of course he couldn't stop thinking about her invitation after she left him in the kitchen, and it wasn't long until he followed her steps. She was humming some song he didn't know, and he smiled; she hadn't heard him coming in.
He was glad she was in such a good mood this morning, but she had confided in him that she felt relieved and happy that she was done with it all. A final resolution, she had called it. She had thanked him too, though he had no idea why. She helped him more than she knew.
Opting to not startle her, he decided to step into the bathroom.
"Room for another?" he asked tentatively.
Anna opened the shower stall's glass door slightly and peeked her head out, her hair full of shampoo foam. He had to smile at the sight of her.
"I was already thinking you wouldn't come up," she said in a teasing voice and he took his shirt off as she went back to her shower.
"Then you don't know me enough," he retorted, earning a giggle from her.
She was taking the shampoo out of her hair when he finally joined her, and he nearly gasped at the sight of her deliciously naked body and the way her jaw angled as to not have any foam over her eyes. She had a soft smile on her face; she knew exactly what she was doing. Taking careful steps, he reached for her, encircling her waist from behind, and kissing the spot behind her ear that he knew she liked. She smiled and opened her eyes, apparently satisfied with the washing of her hair.
Turning in his arms suddenly, he kept his arms around her, but she pulled his head close to give him a kiss, wetting his hair. She giggled when they pulled away, and reached for the shampoo to clean his hair. It was all surprisingly comfortable, and so newly intimate at the same time. He sneaked a kiss whenever he could – the situation was making it very difficult for him to control himself, and Anna didn't help at all; her hands grazed his body everywhere, teasing and unreachable at occasions, and the mischief in her eyes could not be mistaken.
Finally, as Anna turned around to get soap, John took the opportunity to hug her again, his hands slow and tentative against the skin of her stomach as he kissed and sucked at her jaw. He could not contain his smile when he heard a whimper. Two could play at this game.
His touch grew bolder as he peppered her neck and shoulders with kisses, and she leaned into him, obviously enjoying the proximity. His hands cupped her perfect breasts and she moaned, turning her head towards him, but he averted her lips on purpose. She wriggled a bit under his touch, and he was sure she could feel his hardness on her back. God, the things Anna did to him.
Her skin was soft and wet under his touch, and he slowly lowered one of his hands, teasing her bellybutton as Anna grasped at the hair on the back of his head. He bit back a moan himself when he reached his destination and found that she was as ready for him as he was for her. He quickly captured her lips in a kiss, and he turned her around, taking hold of her legs as her arms went around his neck. She moaned against his lips and he took her off the ground, her legs instinctively wrapping around his waist. He held her against the wall and she yelped at the coldness, but giggled as he mumbled a breathless 'I'm sorry'.
As they struggled to get comfortable in a limited space, Anna giggled at his slight groan of frustration. Keeping one hand on his shoulder, she used the other to turn the shower off and smiled at him.
"Let's get out of here," she said wickedly. He kissed her lips again before moving to slide the stall's door open.
In a matter of seconds he found himself in bed, covering Anna's body as his hands travelled up and down her sides. He just couldn't get enough of her – he wanted to know every single inch of her body, and wanted to give attention to every small area. Suddenly, however, her hands pushed him away, making him turn to lie on his back as she peppered his face with kisses, drops of water falling out from her hair, but the last thing in his mind were the bed sheets.
Her hands were spread against his chest, slowly massaging him and travelling perilously lower; John suck in a breath and felt Anna's smile against his skin as she moved to kiss his chest. He found that he liked it when she took control over the situation, and she seemed to quite enjoy it too. A moan escaped him as her hand seized him, stroking his skin in soft movements. Her lips seemed intent on following her hands path, teasing at his navel, and he laid his head back, making Anna grin rather sassily.
He groaned when her mouth was suddenly on him, her tongue in sync with her hand's movements, and he closed his eyes, enjoying the feeling. She'd be the death of him if she continued this way. He opened his eyes again and another moan escaped his lips as they made eye contact. Quickly making his mind, he reached for her shoulders and she pulled away from him, slowly crawling up on his body.
"God, Anna," he whispered before meeting her lips in deep kiss.
It was him who turned them around a second later, his body covering hers immediately as she rocked against him and he decided they had been teasing each other for too long. He pulled away for a moment to get them properly safe, which was a surprisingly difficult task to achieve when she was nipping at his ear. He grasped her legs after a moment, his hands massaging her breasts and his lips too occupied kissing her as he finally entered her. She moaned and he pulled away, slowly thrusting into her as they never left each other's gazes. Anna was almost slippery underneath him, and as his thrusts grew quicker and he reached between their bodies to stroke her, she closed her eyes, and it wasn't long before she was shuddering against him.
Minutes later, they lay side by side, their bodies thoroughly spent and slowly catching their breath. Anna let out a laugh.
"Now that's a nice way to start a morning," she commented.
John laughed and reached for her, who turned on her side and laid her head on his shoulder. He kissed her forehead.
"We should go down and have breakfast," she said softly.
"We can spare a few minutes, love," John said, the term of endearment escaping his lips. Anna said nothing. "Do we have anything planned for today?"
"Aunt Claire wants me over for lunch," Anna said after a moment. She averted his eyes. "Would you… would you like to come along?"
He smiled at her sudden shyness. "Would you like me to go?"
She shrugged. "It would be nice."
"Then I'll ago, if you don't mind," he said suddenly, and she looked up at him a bit surprised. "But I'd like it if we went out tonight. Just the two of us."
"Are you asking me out on a date?" Anna narrowed her eyes.
He was nervous for a moment; the thought had crossed his mind more than once in the past few days.
"Well, I thought… I mean, I don't want you to get the wrong impression," he started, "that this is all that there is of us, I mean."
She smiled sweetly at him. "Yes."
He frowned. "What?"
"Yes, I'll go on a date with you," she rolled her eyes good-naturedly before kissing his mouth soundly. "You impossible, hopeless, endearing man."
He let out a chuckle. "Well, I try."
She giggled and sat up, stretching, and he admired the curves of her naked body. He could stay in bed with her all day.
"Come on, breakfast. We'll need to get ready for lunch and then maybe have some time for ourselves," she winked at him before getting out of bed and reaching for her robe.
She tied it rather loosely around her waist and he watched her as she combed her partially wet hair. She met his eyes in the mirror and walked towards him, giving him a peck on the lips before heading to the door.
"I guess I should start thinking about what to wear on our first date too," she added cheekily.
He couldn't help but smile.
A/N: We have exactly 3 more chapter left! Any ideas on what will happen? Reviews are always very much welcome. Thanks for reading!
