A/N: only two people seemed to notice the appearance of an infamous ninja chick in the last chapter. Does this mean not as many people know who she is anymore…? Is La Blue Girl a dead anime?

This chapter has an M rating due to certain subjects. Sorry it took so long.

Special thanks to imaginaryfriend101 for the idea for Harry's gift to himself…

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Uzumaki Harry

by Shadow Crystal Mage

Chapter 12: Prisoner of Azkaban, Genin Remix part 1!

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto, Harry, Sasuke, Myrtle or Hinata, else this would all be canon.

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Uzumaki Harry Potter felt like singing.

Scratch that. He felt like singing and dancing over the roofs of Konoha to put Gene Kelly to shame. And why not? It was a great day, the greatest day, the greatest day of the year, and it was here, here to stay, and it wasn't going anywhere for the next few hours. It was the one day of the year that Harry was always a morning person, no matter what time he woke up.

It was his birthday.

The day had begun before the crack of dawn. Harry had been up and about way before his alarm clock, and had been happy to see the other owls hanging around Hedwig's perch. The Sneakoscope had been nice, and it had been nicer to read about Ron's family getting some money. Harry of all people knew what it was like to have financial problems. The Broomstick Servicing Kit from Hermione had him bouncing around the apartment– literally: he was a ninja and quite capable of it.

The gift from Hagrid had been rather freaky, however, and the only reason he hadn't blown it up into a million pieces was because he'd opened his school letter first and saw it was on the booklist. Given the fact that the thing had a tendency to bite, Harry could very well see why Hagrid would send the thing to him. Really, he liked Hagrid and all, but his weird fetish with dangerous animals was freaky.

After he'd opened his presents– Sasuke had given him a new stack of exploding tags, Naruto had given him that set of Love Hina figurines in swimsuits, and Iruka had sent a very thick metal arm guard that was practically a shield (Jiraiya's gift, a coupon for a home-service "lap dance", was nearly thrown in the trash before Harry thought of a better use for it)– the doorbell rang, presenting one Ayame bearing gifts in the form of three bowls of ramen.

After kissing the older girl 'thank you'– no matter how old he was, Harry could still get away with that– the three– four if you count Myrtle– of them had an Ichiraku ramen breakfast. Even though there was no horseplay– too much fear the ramen would get caught in the collateral damage– breakfast was fun.

Harry walked with his brothers partway to the Academy, a spring in his step as he chatted with Myrtle about what Hogwarts would be like in a month. When the ghost had expressed her regret over not being able to get him anything– as a ghost, she was kind of short on material assets, in more ways than one– Harry had taken her into his arms, kissed her– more thoroughly than he had Ayame– and said having her around was enough (Naruto and Sasuke proceeded to gag in the background).

Hinata met then at the usual spot. Ever since Myrtle had circumspectly revealed to Naruto why she was meeting with his brothers, they'd taken to walking with her, partially to get her used to seeing, being seen and walking with Naruto, and partly because some sadistic side of Sasuke and Harry wanted to see Hinata blush like crazy. Unfortunately, this had drawn all sorts of the wrong attention. Girls were now eyeing Hinata speculatively, almost hostilely. Harry, Sasuke, Myrtle, Ayame and old man Teuchi– they'd wanted in on it after that big unveiling at their stand– had spent a few days and many hours trying to find a way to keep Hinata from being lynched by Sasuke's fangirls. The plan had been made, refined and now needed only implementation. And Harry was implementing it now. Why? Well, it was sort of a gift to himself.

Though the fact he'd get to see Hinata blush some more was certainly part of it. He made a mental to see if he was getting addicted to the sight of Hinata blushing. Was that even possible?

Shaking those thoughts away– some things even he didn't want to consider– Harry enjoyed the relative peace as the four of them walked and Myrtle floated with them. He thanked Hinata for her gift– a pair glasses made of special high-impact steel frames with industrial diamond-hard crystal lenses in his grade, the kind duty ninja wore– immediately switching them for the slightly battered pair he was wearing. The sure-grip pads kept it from sliding down his nose, something that happened a lot with his old frames and distracted him a lot during training. He had been lucky it hadn't happened with the basilisk. Besides, given the number of times Anko had broken his old pair kicking him in the face, he was due for a change.

Upon arrival near the Academy grounds, Harry subtly signaled Sasuke and Myrtle to initiate the plan. The two signed back their readiness, although Sasuke was looking a bit nauseous. Smaller wonder, since he was integral to it's working out.

They waited for Naruto to be out of range before Harry turned to the other two brunettes. "Well, take care you two," he said loudly, instantly attracting the attention of the students. Girls noticed Sasuke was somehow involved, however distantly, and were immediately rapt. The fact that Harry was good eye candy didn't hurt either. "Don't do anything I wouldn't do," Harry added, making a big show over winking at the two of them. Sasuke's redness was likely in no way feigned. Neither was Hinata's, who was once more the (unwitting) participant in another crack-brained Uzumaki Plot™.

Harry was hard-pressed not to laugh as he walked away, quickly chakra-walking up the side of a building that afforded a view of the upcoming confrontation. He had to gag himself to keep from laughing out loud, and even then the occasional giggle leaked out.

Oh, this was going to be so much fun…

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Aniki's words instantly caused a reaction from all the fangirls watching, as evidenced by the fact Sasuke's skin almost literally tried to crawl off him. His well-honed 'Protect' instinct– sharpened by repeated attempts against Naruto– came to the fore, however, when he realized how many almost-but-not-quite hostile looks Hinata was attracting.

Steeling himself, Sasuke made a production of rolling his eyes. "Jackass," he said as audibly as possible without being obvious, before clapping a hand on Hinata's shoulder and squeezing slightly. "Ignore him, Hinata-kun. He's just being an idiot. He knows we're just friends."

Hinata blinked rapidly, still an impressive shade of crimson that would look nice on a sports car. Nodding jerkily, as if reminding herself, she began to walk woodenly towards the Academy's doors. Sasuke nodded to Myrtle-neesan, before putting his hands in his pockets, looking as cool as possible and following after her.

As he crossed the threshold of the building, he heard a babble of voices rising behind him, trying to be soft and not succeeding. Sasuke let out a breath he hadn't known he was holding; his part was over. Phase Three had begun…

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In the short time she was in the class, Myrtle had developed something of a reputation. It was widely known she was on speaking terms with Sasuke, even if no one could figure out exactly how or why. It was also known that, as the class's unofficial caretaker when Iruka wasn't around, she could be trusted and was relatively well informed.

Hence, she was the first avenue of information the girls tried before crazy rumors began flying. Lucky she was there for Sasuke's fangirls to ask right away, wasn't it?

"Myrtle-san, what was that all about?" Ino asked. She was always polite around the ghost, owing to the fact she was a secret horror movie junkie and had rather over-exaggerated notions of what the yurei could do.

"Hyuuga's not trying to put the moves on Sasuke-kun, is she?" some random girl growled. Irritably, Myrtle passed her hand through her chest. The girl yelped from the cold.

"No, silly," Myrtle said. After her… performance at Ichiraku's a while back, it was unanimously agreed she was the best at this kind of stuff. Who'd have thought? "You see, it's a kind of convoluted story. When he was younger, Sasuke-kun had a mild crush on Hinata," (gasps of outrage and despair from the peanut gallery) "but when he got to know her better, he recognized the silly crush for what it was and became friends with her." (there were various sighs and suspicious growls) "Then Sasuke-kun found out that there was someone Hinata liked, so, romantic that he was" (interested murmurs and more sighs rose) "offered to help her get the boy he liked. In fact, he committed himself so much that he swore he would never take a girlfriend until Hinata had her boyfriend."

There were more gasps this time around as everyone suddenly started whispering.

"So that's why he–"

"–so romantic, going without until his friend had someone–"

"–girl's so lucky, having Sasuke-kun like her so much–"

"–she's silly though, no boy's as good as Sasuke-kun–"

"–don't suppose she's really after Sasuke-kun?"

"No, she already turn him down and–"

"AHEM!"

Everyone turned to Ino, who was an undisputed top dog, if not exactly universal leader (they were all competing for Sasuke, after all). "This is just more proof that Sasuke-kun is the perfect boy!" Ino said, to much agreement from the crowd. "And since it is his wish that Hinata-chan get the boy of her dreams– never mind that he probably isn't anywhere near as good as Sasuke-kun; foolish girl (there were murmurs of agreement mixed with a lot of relief)– then we must do everything in our power to help her as well!"

"Besides, you heard what Myrtle-san said," another random girl interjected. "He's not even going to think about girls until he hooks her up!"

And the warping begins, Myrtle thought, amused. It had barely been two minutes, and already they were changing the story. Still, as long as it stayed true to form, that was all right.

As the girls combined the unfathomable idea of Sasuke taking himself out of the market with his promise to Hinata, chewing the thoughts over in their heads and cementing– according to Ayame and old man Teuchi, who had a lot of experience dealing with people– in their minds the simple equation of 'Hinata-gets-her-boy-equals-(insert fangirl's name here)/me-getting-Sasuke!', Myrtle decided that, now that the plan was in motion, she might as well have some fun of her own. "Aren't you girls going to be late? I don't think Sasuke likes people who aren't punctual…"

That was all she had to say before there was a collective screech, followed by a mad rush towards the front doors of the Academy.

Myrtle shook her head, reflecting on her old school days. "Some things never change…"

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From his post, Harry laughed his pretty head off…

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"Hey brat," Anko said as she appeared at their meeting place. "Happy birthday."

That was all the warning Harry had before a bag of some kind of oil exploded all over him. Poison oak extract, he noted. Good thing he wasn't fatally allergic.

For a moment, he wondered how long Anko would survive under the Cruciatus curse– he'd heard extended exposure drove people insane, or even killed them– then dismissed the thought as unimaginative. He didn't want Anko dead or insane (that would be redundant, anyway); he wanted her to suffer. No, that wasn't quite right.

He wanted her to suffer from payback.

As he wiped the mess off as well as he could, extracting the oil with his wand, his mind thought of a certain coupon…

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That summer, Harry had to deliver another one of Sasuke's manuscripts. This time, he'd prepared in advance, handing Anko one of the advanced author's copies (fortunately, like last year, she was too dazzled to ask how he got it), and bribing a few other shinobi with same so that they'd assist him practically for free. After a while of digging, he finally came up with two names that were such 'Tsubasa' Otaku that they could be bribed with the book: Maito Gai and Hatake Kakashi.

It was ridiculously simple, really. All he had to do was wave the copies in front of their faces, and they were begging him to let them help. Heck, Kakashi offered to give him his Sharingan, of all things! Tempting, but freaky.

Of course, it wasn't as easy as all that. Harry wanted to gouge his ears out at Gai's ranting (the outfit, not so much. At least it wasn't as bright as Naruto's suit). Kakashi kept fading out at times, then suddenly being possessed by a manic energy and chanting "Yami. Yami! YAMI!". Dango-bitch was almost useless, too intent reading to be any good.

Thankfully, this year there were less nuts out to illegally obtain the script. Seriously, if people were such big fans, they should be willing to shell out big bucks like everyone else!

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Harry was quietly waiting for Anko to have another breakdown as the end of her tenure as his sensei– for that summer, anyway– neared. Though she was still as breezily psychotic as ever, stealing his food, making him pay for her dango, attacking (read: pranking) him out of the blue for no reason and using language certainly not fit for minors (fortunately, Harry was just as bad, maybe even worse), Harry couldn't help but feel slightly nervous. Her rants last year had sounded very similar to that of one of the older girls at orphanage, back when he was still allowed to live at the orphanage. This girl had lost both her parents, but had ranted about how they'd left her. He'd overheard one of the matrons say something about abandonment issues.

Sometimes, when he lay in bed with nothing to do but try to sleep and not think about what time he had to wake up in the morning, he wondered what exactly had happened to dango-bitch that had given her such issues. Then realized he was thinking about Anko when he could be thinking about something else– like say, cat-girl Hermione, or cat-girl Ginny, or better yet, cat-girl Ginny and Hermione!– and promptly start thinking about said other things.

As September drew near and still no sign of Jiraiya, however, Harry started getting worried. He'd been wondering when he'd be able to go shop for new school supplies, and the Sannin not being around certainly put a damper on that. While he could certainly go by himself, wizards apparently didn't let their kids roam all alone like they did here in Konoha.

It was with great relief when, barely two days before school was supposed to start, that Harry received a message to meet with the Hokage. He hadn't seen the old man in a while, not since the fight with Anko. He dearly wished someone had gotten a picture of the old man in his beer hat.

The relief ebbed slightly when he saw that his crazy sensei was already there, munching on some dango (proving conclusively she had her own money to buy the things!) and looking very Anko-ish.

"What do you want old man?" Harry said, one hand on his hip, the other ready to snap up and pull his wand-cored dagger out of his sheath in an instant. Ah, the paranoid life of a shinobi.

"Jiraiya just sent word," Sarutobi said, handing Harry a letter strewn with the toad hermit's atrocious writing, making his inner editor cringe in horror and disgust. "He won't be able to take you to Diagon Alley this year."

Frowning down at the letter and automatically making mental corrections out of habit, Harry asked, "What took him so long?"

"Well, apparently, he was someplace in Europe and got distracted by a nude beach."

Harry palmed his face. Typical perverted Jiraiya. A part of him wondered if those beaches were close to Hogwarts…

Then Harry realized something. "Hey, who's going to sign my permission slip?" he cried.

The Hokage raised an inquiring eyebrow, while Anko remained thankfully silent. "Permission slip?" the old man asked.

"Yeah, permission slip," Harry said, reaching into his pouch and pulling out a slip of parchment. "Third years are allowed to go to town but for some (bleep)-ing reason, we need a signed permission slip to do it! Now what am I gonna do? Perverted sannin's my guardian, and if he's not here–"

"Oh, one of those kinds of things," Sarutobi said, intimately familiar with such asinine forms from his days as a teacher and recently as a Hokage. "I can sign it for you. I'm sure Albus will accept it."

The next thing he knew, he was being hugged by an ecstatic Uzumaki. "THANK YOU HOKAGE-SAMA!" he cried, forgetting himself and actually calling Sarutobi by his title instead of some other name.

Sarutobi had time to get a warm fuzzy feeling before Anko said, "Hey, indulge your old man fetish on your own time, brat!"

Harry was immediately ten feet away, shaking his arms as if flicking some substance off. "I DO NOT HAVE AN OLD MAN FETISH, DANGO-BITCH! I MIGHT HAVE A CAT-GIRL FETISH, I MIGHT HAVE A RED-HEAD FETISH, A LESBIAN FETISH, A BLUSHING-HINATA FETISH– oh, kami, did I just say that (BEGONE EVIL THOUGHT!)?– AND THEN SOME, BUT I CERTAINLY DON'T HAVE AN OLD MAN FETISH!"

"Keep yelling at me brat, and I won't go with you so you can go shopping," Anko said cheerily, even as the most minute flicker of something glinted in her eyes. Sarutobi might have noticed (looking 'underneath the underneath' and all) but he was too busy getting overloaded by too much information from one of the boys he considered a great-grandchild.

Harry blinked, taking in what Anko just said, then rounded on the Hokage in fury. "WHAT THE (BLEEP) IS SHE TALKING ABOUT? SHE IS SO NOT GOING!"

The flinch that went through Anko, Sarutobi finally noticed and, knowing her as he did, knew exactly what caused it. Harry, not having his knowledge, completely missed it.

Deciding to set aside the possible psychological repercussions of Anko having to teach someone who had to leave every year and leave her behind for later, Sarutobi calmly steepled his fingers, looked at Harry intently, and spoke. "About a month ago, a wizard by the name of Sirius Black escaped from Azkaban, the prison of the British Ministry of Magic. The relevant details are that he is what the wizards consider a Class-S criminal, who supported the Dark Lord Voldemort when he first rose. I do not know all the details, but judging from what Albus told me, he seems to be after you."

Harry blinked in surprise and confusion. "After me? Some wizard guy I've never met wants to kill me?"

The Hokage nodded. "I'm don't know the details why, but I'm sure you can understand why I want you accompanied when you go. You are a Konoha citizen, after all, and we take care of our own."

Harry just nodded, knowing all that, expecting nothing less from Sarutobi. Instead, he latched on to another thing. "He wants to kill me? Why? What did I ever do to him?"

"Hey, don't be so surprised," Anko said. "Lots of people probably want to kill you. Heck, I want to kill you."

"Can I get another chaperone?" Harry said, jerking his thumb at Anko. "One who hasn't voiced homicidal thoughts about me? Like, say, Kakashi? Or maybe Mido-san. She's ANBU, she'll do!"

Anko sneered and said something rude about seduction corps ANBU and 'easy-leg-open-Mido'.

"You will leave tomorrow, which gives you a whole day to do your shopping before you have to leave for school," Sarutobi said, feigning deafness. Hey, Dumbledore wasn't the only one who knew how to do it. "Enjoy your trip."

Harry gave him a withering look, than spared three for Anko. "Some Class-S wizard criminal I've never met wants to kill me and the one who's supposed to protect me is a homicidal bitch who wants to do the same. Great. All I need is to be a reincarnation of an Egyptian and my own multi-billion-dollar company, and I'd be Kaiba freakin' Seto."

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Hinata was saddened when she learned that the four of them would be leaving Konoha for the next two days, and drooped even more when they told her that Harry would be absent until next summer. Harry had to make a last minute parting gift of the next few 'Icha Icha' books he'd been keeping back from Hinata (after all, she wasn't old enough to buy them yet) so that she'd stop looking so snifflely. He hated it when girls looked snifflely.

Naruto and Sasuke were up to another shopping trip in Diagon Alley, while Myrtle said she very much wanted to see how the place had changed over the last fifty years. Harry's biggest worry was how to ditch Anko and keep her from fleecing him of his money. He didn't know what she'd buy with it, but it was the principle of the thing!

The next morning, on the day of the shopping trip, Hinata showed up at their door, holding a small wrapped bundle.

"Here," she said, handing it to Harry. "For while you're gone."

Blinking, Harry accepted the bundle, for once not watching in amusement as Hinata tried not to faint at Naruto's proximity. Carefully unwrapping it, Harry was bemused to find a small, rather extensive medical kit, filled with various healing creams, ointments, surgical tools, a field medicine guide, and a handbook on herbs. He raised an eyebrow at Hinata, who shifted.

"Well, Sasuke-kun, Myrtle-neesan and N-naruto-k-kun," she managed to barely stumble over that last, "told me about how you get into accidents at school, so…"

Harry grinned, put down the kit on top of his trunk, and enfolded Hinata in a hug. "Thanks, Hinata-chan," he said. "Though I hope I won't have to use it too soon."

Hinata blushed, returning the hug ever so slightly, before Harry drew away, not wanting to break her by embarrassing her too much. Myrtle gave her an affectionate stroke, making the girl shake slightly from the cold, but she took it in stride, knowing it was the only way the ghost could touch anyone but Harry. Sasuke settled for a quick, one-armed hug, whispering something– probably involving future-sister-in-laws– that made Hinata blush again. After his little outburst at the Hokage's, Harry was taking care not to enjoy that.

Naruto, however, wouldn't settle for anything but a bear hug, completely enfolding Hinata such that he wasn't able to see her face go crimson. Harry had to hand it to his little brother. Despite knowing about the Kyuubi, he didn't think about silly things like not making friends because the people he makes friends with might become secondary targets for kitsune-inspired abuse. After all, if Harry and Sasuke could stand to be around him– and some of the Uchiha Clan, at one point– after knowing about it, then any real friend will as well.

Harry suddenly frowned, struck by a thought. Would Hinata…?

"Well, we gotta go Hina-chan," Harry said. "If we hurry, we might be able to leave dango-bitch behind."

It was a mark of how much time she'd been spending around the Uzumaki's that Hinata– soft-spoken, mild-mannered, cultured, timid princess of the Hyuuga– didn't so much as twitch at the swearing.

"I don't think the Hokage will let you go if the (bleep)-ing (bleep) doesn't go along," Hinata said, clearly remembering the way Anko had fought that time when it seemed all of Konoha had shown up, the invectives just sliding off her tongue like they were buttered.

Again, too much time around the Uzumaki's.

Hinata was right. The old man didn't let them go without Anko, who wasn't there yet, which meant they had to wait for over fifteen minutes. She finally showed, eating a stick of dango, smiling her vapidly-crazy smile, and wearing her usual attire. Looking at it, Harry wondered how the wizards, corrupted by a year of 'Icha Icha', would react, then dearly wished he owned a camera when his mental animation department finally managed a few examples.

By the time the Hokage finally brought out the Portkey– "The what?" Anko said– Harry was wondering if he could somehow lure her into Knockturn Alley and leave her at the mercies of all those Dark wizards.

As he felt the pull behind his belly button, one chakra-charged hand holding on to Myrtle– technically, the special Portkey Dumbledore had sent would allow even ghosts to travel as long as they were partially phased through it, but it was more fun to touch her, and she liked the contact– he sighed, deciding that was too cruel. After all, those Dark wizards hadn't done anything to him to deserve her

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"Man, just where the heck is he?" Ron groused as he, Ginny and Hermione rested their feet outside Florean Fortescue's Ice-Cream Parlor, having crisscrossed Diagon Alley in the past hour looking for their mutual friend. "Today's the last day before we have to go to Hogwarts, and we still haven't heard from him."

Hermione shrugged. "Maybe that summer apprenticeship of his is taking up more time than he said in his letters? After all, it can't be easy learning a trade when you only have time in the summers and have to go to boarding school the rest of the year." Truth be told, she was just as worried about their somewhat annoying/perverted/womanizing/flat-out-strange friend as Ron was, but someone had to play advocate in these situations, and it was always never Ron.

Ginny just sighed, looking glum. She'd been looking forward to seeing Harry again all summer. The youngest Weasley wondered how he'd liked the Sneakoscope she and Ron had bought for him on his birthday…

She nearly went a foot in the air as a pair of lips briefly touched the back of her neck, and a low, soft voice that sent shivers up her spine whispered, "Hey, gorgeous…"

"Harry!" Hermione cried, as Ron exclaimed, "Bloody hell mate, how do you do that?"

Ginny turned around on her seat, nearly falling over as she saw Harry grin– in her opinion, an opinion she unknowingly shared with girls in both Hogwarts and Konoha– roguishly, one hand casually resting on his hip. "Do what? Sneak up on you, or make girls jump with just my presence?"

Hermione rolled her eyes, and Ginny was torn on how to react, but before any of the three could say anything, an unfamiliar female voice said, "Don't get a big head, Uzumaki. I don't like having too big a target."

The sneering tone, so similar to a certain uke they all knew and disliked, drew attention to the strange woman behind Harry. Ron, 'Icha Icha' reader or not, went red at her attire, seeing perfectly well that if her coat moved just a little bit that-a-way, he'd have a view he hadn't seen since he was a baby. Ginny and Hermione were mortified, the former wondering who the heck the woman was, what the heck she was wearing, and how she knew Harry, the latter wondering who the woman was, what she was wearing, how she kept the outfit from chafing, and where she could get something like it (although the last was from a dark, dark part of her soul she wouldn't admit to existing). Oh, and how she knew Harry.

Harry, for his part, closed his eyes tightly, then pulled his head back to look at the heavens. "Why, oh why, did Dumbledore have to send that translating thingy along?" It was a measure of his discomfiture that he couldn't remember if it was a potion, a charm, a magic device, or an invisible familiar.

The woman, meanwhile, was looking around, taking in the street and causing much stumbling, some walking into walls, and lots of irritation among females as her clothes– or lack thereof– drew men's eyes. "This is where you go every year? What's with all the cross dressers?"

"Ignore her," Harry told the other three students after Hermione smacked Ron once on the head to get his attention. "My brothers and Myrtle are getting a room at the Leaky Cauldron. I'm supposed to go ahead to Gringotts and get money. Let's make a break for it, and maybe if we're lucky, we can ditch the bitch–"

"Try and ditch me and I'm telling everyone here I'm your mistress," 'the bitch' said over his shoulder.

As Ron and the girls blanched, Harry whirled, looking more upset then they'd ever seen him when someone wasn't in danger. "You wouldn't dare! Besides, I've got better tastes than to hook up with a tramp like you! Heck, Ginny's sexier than you are!"

"Harry, that's my sister you're talking about, and she's sitting right here," Ron muttered just loud enough to be heard, while Ginny was flapping her mouth like a goldfish at hearing herself being described as 'sexy', even more so than the woman in front of her.

"What's your point?" Harry muttered right back.

As Ron tried to cast for a point, Hermione, concerned about Ginny, shook her to get her attention. When that didn't produce a response, she waved her hand in front of the redhead's eyes. Still nothing. "Harry, I think you broke her," she said, a distant part of her finding this all amusing. The rest was trying to figure out just what the heck was happening.

It was at that point that Naruto, Sasuke, and Myrtle finally showed up. They took one look at the tableau– Harry and the woman looking at each other confrontationally, Ron still trying to think of a 'point', Ginny being 'broken' and Hermione trying to get her attention– and came up with a logical question.

"What did we miss?" Naruto asked.

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Harry's only break came when Anko steadfastly refused to get on the Gringott's carts, claiming she might be crazy, but she wasn't suicidal. Thus, Harry was able to spend about twenty minutes away from his psychotic sensei, loading up on Galleons and screaming with Naruto and Sasuke as they rode through the roller coaster that was Gringotts preferred method of getting around.

Said youngsters immediately disappeared after they asked Harry for a little money, instantly causing Hermione to worry. Harry matter-of-factly explained to her that if anyone tried to do anything to them, they were adequately trained to break the guy's wrist and set him on fire, and both carried kunai– "They're carrying KNIVES?"Hermione exclaimed in horror– on them for security.

Only after Myrtle reassured her that the two boys knew how to take care of themselves did they manage to get on with shopping. The woman– Harry had finally introduced her as Anko, even though he only referred to her as 'Dango-bitch' afterwards– trailed behind them, making rude observations and snide comments that Harry either resolutely ignored or yelled back at her for. The other three Hogwarts students didn't know what to make of the situation. They'd never seen Harry lose his cool, especially not with a girl, or any other female for that matter. Myrtle obviously disliked the woman and a bit wary, but she seemed more concerned about Harry than anything else, something which immediately struck the other girls. While Hermione was unsure how to act, Ginny eyed the woman speculatively, wondering what exactly about her made Myrtle dislike her and what her connection was to Harry.

Ron, thankfully for him, was completely oblivious to all this byplay, torn between trying to get a view of Anko's cleavage and resolutely not doing so for fear of his mother.

It was under this cloud of tension that Harry shopped for his things. After dragging him away from the Firebolt display at Quality Quidditch Supplies (he stood there gaping so long that drool accumulated beneath him) and trying to stop a scene after Anko made an off-hand comment ("So, you like the feeling of a shaft between your legs, eh Uzumaki?"), Hermione finally dragged him into Madam Malkin's shop to be measured for new robes.

"Harry," she asked quietly, listening in the background as Anko caught Ron during one of those times he was trying to get a view of her chest, "who exactly is that woman?"

Harry gave her a look, his eyes strangely dulled. "She's my chaperone," he droned, "the person I'm apprenticed to, and the reason I miss Snape during the summers." A sniffle. "I can't wait to see him again. Such a sweet, easy-going, kind teacher." Myrtle patted him on the shoulder, nodding in commiseration.

Hermione's blood turned to ice upon hearing those words. This woman was that scary…? No wonder Harry wouldn't hit on her!

There was a strangled choking sound in the background.

"I don't want to know whether she threatened to castrate him or let him stick his head between her boobs," Harry muttered, making Hermione twitch.

They decided to split up after that, Ginny volunteering to go buy Harry's books while Ron when to get him new quills and parchment. That left the two Hs and Myrtle to go buy potion ingredients, Anko trailing behind them. They spent a little bit more time there then Hermione thought was necessary, but Harry insisted, shelling out quite a bit for a box of bezoars, as well as stuff like nightshade extract, opium, strychnine, various vials of animal venom– which certainly raised Hermione's eyebrows– and some premixed doses of general antidote and anti-venom.

When she inquired as to what they were for, he only said, "I want to experiment."

"For the Slytherins?" she said sarcastically.

"Technically," Harry bantered back. "Voldemort was from Slytherin, remember?"

She wasn't sure if he meant it or not.

Ron met them in front of Flourish and Blotts, handing Harry his change and supplies. The editor was amused to note that "Icha Icha", now in it's second volume, was it's best selling non-textbook. Anko looked at the bright orange displays, and uncharacteristically fell silent, pulling out a copy of 'Yami no Tsubasa' from her hip pouch and making a big show of reading it.

Harry paid for the books Ginny had gathered, adding in a book on poisons– "What is it with you and poisons now?" Hermione asked. "Would you believe I'm trying to score brownie points with Snape?" Harry said, smiling his usual smile for the first time since they went shopping– as well as a volume entitled The Healer's Helpmate that Ron had recommended when Harry had asked if there were any books on healing spells ("Mum uses it all the time when we get into scrapes.").

Harry was all set to go back to the Leaky cauldron and drop off his stuff when Ron suddenly remembered that he needed to get Scabber's checked out at a shop that Tom, the Cauldron's barman, had recommended. Hermione offered to go with him, while Harry, Myrtle and Ginny (they were all trying their best to ignore Anko) went back to the Cauldron.

"So," Ginny said, "how was your summer?"

Harry made a face between a half-smile and a smirk. "I was apprenticed to dango-bitch for most of this summer. What do you think?"

Behind them, Anko kicked the ground, somehow dislodging a small stone. Catching it out of the air, she threw it at the back of Harry's head. There was an audible sound on impact, causing Harry to yelp.

"You're losing your touch already, brat," Anko said, bouncing some more stones on her palm. Harry gave her the finger. Anko grinned. "And phallic imagery will get you nowhere."

"I miss Snape…" Harry whimpered.

Ginny decided she hated Anko.

----------------------------------------

Harry finally got another break later that day, managing to have dinner with the Weasleys– without Anko– by cornering Tom and telling him to give her anything she wanted and charge it to him. It took no convincing to get Anko to stay at the bar and get soused.

Naruto and Sasuke showed up in time for dinner, each carrying a long, thin package. They didn't elaborate on what they were, just dropping them off under their chairs as they sat down to dinner with everyone.

Naruto pouted when he saw the first course. "No ramen?" he said, his eyes growing wet, jaw trembling.

Harry shook his head. "Sorry, otouto, no ramen."

Naruto gasped. "Barbaric!"

Sasuke patted his brother's shoulder in commiseration.

Myrtle looked down sadly at the food. "I miss eating."

Ron opened his mouth to make a comment, but Harry kicked him under the table. The ninja's look quite easily threatened 'don't even think about it'.

Despite the lack of 'civilized food'– as Naruto often groused– he and Sasuke managed to enjoy the meal, getting seconds of everything, although Naruto loudly proclaimed it still wasn't as good as ramen. Harry got his good humor back now that Anko was safely on the other side of a door, casually flirting with Hermione, Ginny, Myrtle and Mrs. Weasley. The first time Harry called Hermione 'koneko-chan', both Naruto and Sasuke snorted, nearly choking on their food.

"You call her kitten?" Sasuke managed to ground out after dislodging the food stuck in his throat.

"Kitten?" Ginny repeated, giving Harry a look. The boy shrugged unrepentantly.

"She's so cute when she's all hissy and catty," he said with a grin, narrowly avoiding the spoon Hermione threw at him.

Before Hermione could throw the rest of her utensils, Sasuke cleared his throat. "Pardon me, but now seems like a good time for me to say this. Hermione onee-san, Ginny onee-san, Naruto and I both got you something."

Harry sighed as wrath was diverted from him when the two girls looked at them curiously. The two boys took the packages under their seats and stood, each walking to one of the girls.

"From what Myrtle-neechan told us, we thought it would be a good idea if we gave you these," Sasuke said, handing his package to Hermione as Naruto did the same to Ginny. "Use them well."

Everyone watched curiously as the two girls opened the wrappings, revealing what appeared to be a baseball bat with thick foam padding over most of the length, and padded grips to keep it from slipping in one's hand. Hermione looked at her's curiously, examining every inch. She came to section of unpadded metal and peered at an inscription, before suddenly guffawing and throwing her head back in laughter– slightly evil laughter, to be precise, which creeped people out a bit. Ginny was giggling at hers.

"What does it say?" Ron said. Hermione, still convulsing with mirth, showed him, not letting go of the bat.

The inscription, which Ron read out loud in tones of disbelieving amusement, said: "This Baka-Bat property of Granger Hermione. Blunt hitting part reserved for the skull of Uzumaki Harry Potter."

Still snickering, Hermione hefted the bat and brought it down soundly on Harry's head, making a satisfying thud and a yelp of indignation. "Harry no baka," she said, finally getting to use one of the lines from her Ranma ½ manga.

A second later, Ginny's own bat connected.

Harry glared at his brothers over the sound of laughing Weasleys, Uzumakis, Myrtle and Hermione. "Traitors."

"Just sucking up to the onee-chan, aniki," Naruto grinned.

Despite Harry's best efforts– and Tom's booze– Anko was, sadly, not drunk out of consciousness. She rather airily– which meant she was partially drunk– told him that she was on duty and thus wasn't allowed to drink enough to incapacitate her. Still, that meant Harry had to get her a room instead of just dumping her out in that back like he'd wanted.

The things he had to do…

When Harry went back downstairs to pay Tom for all the Firewhiskey, he passed the parlor, where he heard Mr. and Mrs. Weasley. He hung around long enough to hear that they were talking about things he already knew. Still, he wondered who the (BLEEP) this Fudge was. Wanting to deliberately keep vital information like away from him? Knowing information like that was the difference between going against someone who was hired to fight you and someone who wanted to kill you.

Also, as he went back upstairs with Ron's bottle of Rat Tonic, he wondered what it was with those Azkaban guards. Dumbledore was one of the most easygoing people he knew, even more so than old man Hokage. What could it be about these guys that made him less than fond of them…?

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Harry woke up to find Naruto and Sasuke sleeping next to him, and for a moment, his mind was back in time, remembering times when he'd woken up like this because there had been a thunderstorm the night before. It was still dark out as Harry carefully pried himself out of bed, silently getting dressed in his usual clothes. That took a while, since he usually had at least four fuuma shuriken on him. The harnesses for them needed talcum powder, since the padding for the leather had worn off over the summer, and he hadn't had time to get it fixed or replaced.

By the time Tom knocked on the door to wake him up, Harry had finished packing his trunk and just fed Hedwig. It finally woke Naruto and Sasuke up, though. They'd just gotten finished dressed when Ron banged into the room, complaining about Percy. The party was soon joined by the twins, who congratulated Ron on pissing Percy off again. Naruto and Sasuke immediately engaged them in conversation, and by the time they got down to breakfast, Harry was doing his darnest to try and keep track of their discussion on, to quote, "the fine art of pranking your older brothers".

At breakfast, they found Mr. Weasley reading a newspaper, while Mrs. Weasley was telling Hermione, Ginny and Myrtle about a Love Potion she'd made when she was younger. The four of them were being giggly, which lifted Harry's spirits a little, seeing them like that.

"Did she say Love Potion?" Sasuke said nervously, suddenly breaking off from the conversation.

"Don't worry," Harry said dryly. "I don't think your fangirls back home will be able to make any."

"At least you'd better hope not," Naruto added. Sasuke gulped, turning even paler than usual.

Anko was sitting at the bar, her head in her arms as Tom deftly mixed raw egg into some unidentifiable liquid that was obviously some kind of hangover remedy. She moaned and groaned occasionally, twitching at noises. Harry couldn't keep himself from grinning; today was already turning out to be a fine day.

A second later, a bat was hitting the top of his head.

"Ow!" Harry said, turning around to find Hermione looking amused and gazing lovingly at her new implement. "What's the big idea?"

"You really shouldn't enjoy that poor woman's suffering like that," Hermione said, resting the bat on her shoulder.

"I'm her student; I have every right to enjoy her suffering," Harry said, crossing his arms. "Getting handy with that thing, aren't you?"

"I have a feeling it's going to become my new best friend," the witch answered back.

"Rawr," Harry said, making a catlike scratching motion. "Kitty's got claws."

Bonk!

"Uzumaki," Anko suddenly said as Harry was about to make a cute pouty face– chicks dig the cute pouty face– at Hermione for hitting him. "Would you stop messing around with your girlfriend and get me something to eat? I'm hungry!"

Scowling at the interruption, Harry sighed and waved Tom over, idly eyeing a bottle of amber liquid. Damned dango-bitch messing with his fun…

Anko was feeling better by the time the Ministry cars arrived to take them to the station, enough to complain about everything from how crowded they were in the back of the car (never mind that she, Harry, Hermione, Ron, Naruto and Sasuke all fit in there, with Myrtle hovering in their midst) to how insanely the Ministry wizards drove. Harry was sorely tempted to borrow Hermione's new bat and wack her until she shut up (and the Ministry drivers, for good measure; they kept looking at his scar through the rear view mirror! Shouldn't they keep their eyes on the road?). Hermione seemed to be considering it too, for that matter.

It felt tight when they made their way to the station, at least from Harry's point of view, what with Mr. Weasley staying close to him on one side and Anko on the other, who was now talking about how easy it would be kill everyone at the station with one well-placed 'accident'. The object he'd hurriedly taped to his back at the Cauldron was hard against his spine…

Getting Anko into Nine-and-Three-Quarters was tough, since she adamantly refused to walk into a brick wall. Myrtle, exasperated at the delay and from hiding inside the space occupied by Harry's trunk, solved the problem by sticking her hand through Anko's spine, causing the jounin to jump into and through the wall in surprise.

"I love it when you do that," Harry laughed as he, Myrtle and Mr. Weasley all crossed into the barrier.

Inside, Anko was trying to look cool, although she glared at Myrtle when she finally came out. The ghost merely said "Boo," causing the woman to suddenly jump back. Anko, apparently, had a small fear of yurei.

Once the others got through, Naruto loudly proclaiming that going through the wall was weird and that he'd never get used to it, Harry and Mr. Weasley led the way to the end of the train. Anko stayed behind at the platform, apparently deciding she didn't need to go with Harry all the way into the train. Whatever it was, Harry was grateful.

Stowing the luggage, Hedwig, and Crookshanks into the train. Everyone trooped right back out again to say good bye. Which produced some surprises.

"You're not coming with me?" Harry said in astonishment, gaping at Myrtle.

The ghost shrugged. "I've been in that castle for most of fifty years. I could use a vacation from it. And I did promise to take care of Naruto and Sasuke for you, after all. Besides," she winked at him, "I wanna see how the Hinata situation turns out."

"Hinata?" Ginny said, eyeing Harry questioningly.

"A girl we've been trying to set up with a boy," Harry explained, before raising an eyebrow at Myrtle. "So you really want to spend the rest of the year playing matchmaker?"

"All things considered," Myrtle's silvery eyes flicked to Naruto, who was talking shop (read: pranks) with one of the twins, "she's going to need all the help she can get."

"You've got a point," Harry said, also looking at Naruto.

"So," the ghost said, suddenly turning towards Ginny and Hermione. "Take care of him, will you? Don't let him get into trouble."

"We'll try," Ginny said, looking at Myrtle intently, before nodding slightly as if agreeing to something. Myrtle nodded back in understanding.

"Trouble seems to find him anyway, though," Hermione added.

"Is it my fault I'm so irresistible?" Harry said posing with fingers in an L against his jaw, his other hand supporting his elbow.

"Yes!" the three girls chorused loudly.

Harry rolled his eyes and began making his good byes with his brothers…

"Harry," Mr. Weasley said quietly, jerking his head towards a pillar as the twins engaged his brothers in conversation again.

Wanting to hear what they might be planning against him but not wanting to be rude, Harry reluctantly followed.

"There's something I've got to tell you–" Mr. Weasley began, but Harry cut him off.

"Sirius Black wants to kill me," he interrupted. "I know."

Mr. Weasley blinked. "You do? How?"

A nod. "I was told back home before I came here. Dumbledore apparently implied something along those lines to… the village elder who gave me my Portkey."

"Oh."

"Is that all?" Harry asked, trying not to sound impolite (hey, it happens!).

"Aren't you scared?"

"Not really. What's another person out to kill me to the other two on the list?"

"'Other two'?" Mr. Weasley repeated incredulously.

"Voldemort," insert shudder hear, "and dango-bitch over there."

Mr. Weasley frowned at the language. "I understand, I suppose, about You-Know-Who, but why do you include her?"

"Trust me, she's out to kill me. You should see the way she treats me during… my apprenticeship."

Mr. Weasley opened his mouth and paused, as if thinking over his words. "Surely you're exaggerating. Isn't… all shinobi training hard?"

Harry's head snapped to stare at the older man, mouth suddenly going slack and dry.

"I recognized the markings from the war," Mr. Weasley explained cautiously, eyes flicking up, not to Harry's scar, but to his hitai-ate. Had he been more observant, he would have realized Mr. Weasley was being properly wary after surprising a ninja, as ninja generally didn't like being surprised. "Konoha, I believe?"

"How– you– how long–" Harry sputtered, unable to think of anything coherent to say.

"Don't worry. You're secret's safe with me. Molly didn't really know any of those we worked with during the war."

Finally, Harry got his act together. "Why didn't you tell me earlier?" he hissed.

"It never seemed to be the right time," was the reply. "Harry, I want you to swear to me that you won't go looking for Black."

The abrupt shift in topic disoriented Harry, who admittedly did not have Naruto's bloody stubborn single-mindedness. "Why would I go looking for someone who wants to kill me?"

"Look, whatever you might hear– "

There was a loud whistle, and Mrs. Weasley called to Harry to get on the train.

"– promise you won't go looking for Black."

Before Harry could reply, small hands were grabbing his clothes and dragging him towards the train.

"Hurry, aniki, or you'll get left behind!" Naruto cried, pushing him towards the nearest door as Harry tried to look over his shoulder at Mr. Weasley. What had the man meant by…?

Harry was just starting to move on his own power when there was a sudden cry of "Hey, Uzumaki!"

Harry turned, only to get hit by a face full of scrolls. He fumbled to catch them through a haze of pain, surprise and confusion, hearing Mrs. Weasley's cry of surprise.

Finally gathering the three scrolls in his hands, he turned to look at Anko, who had a slightly disgruntled look under the usual expression she wore.

"You'd better know what those things are talking about by next year or I'm kicking your ass!" the jounin cried as steam began to billow from the train. With a jerk, it started to move.

Harry had no time to answer anything as he made a dash for the nearest door, tossing the scrolls in first and fumbling at his back under his shirt as Ron opened the door to let him in. Finally managing to rip out what he'd taped there, he leaned out the window to look at those at the platform.

"Hey, dango-bitch!" Harry cried, tossing the thing in his hand at her with and backhand flick. "Catch!"

Anko's hand snapped forward in the air, managing to catch the bottle of amber liquid by the neck before it hit her face. She blinked in surprise as she recognized the label on the bottle of Firewhiskey.

"Don't drink it all in one go!" Harry said, before waving at Naruto, Sasuke, and Mr. and Mrs. Weasley. Myrtle managed to catch a kiss from him before the train finally rushed out of the station…

----------------------------------------

Harry idly examined the three scrolls after making sure to dust off all the sneezing powder that had been coated on them as he sat with Ron, Ginny and Hermione in some compartment near the rear of the train with some guy named Lupin, supposedly the new Defense Against The Dark Arts teacher.

"What's that?" Hermione asked as she watched him perusing the scrolls.

"Dango-bitch's idea of a reading assignment," Harry said, not really paying attention as he took stock of the material. A scroll that appeared to be about using basic techniques– like Kawarimi and Bunshin no jutsu– without hand-seals (makes sense, since he'd seen nin use Kawarimi without making a gesture, and he'd sometimes done the same with his Katon jutsu); a scroll on chakra control with special emphasis on consciously controlling the unconscious, instinctive enhancing applications of chakra by the body (what the heck was that for?); and a scroll on chakra strings, different from the one he'd read (freaky, since she wasn't supposed to know he'd been reading that one either. Or had she picked up on it during their fight?).

"Can I see?" Hermione asked excitedly.

"Be my guest…" he said, handing them to her. Her face fell as she realized it was in kanji. "…although I could have told you it would be a waste of time."

A bonk of the Baka Bat was his only reply.

"You know, you're liking that thing a little too much," Harry groused as he pouted and rubbed his head where it'd been hit. Hermione just grinned.

Time passed, and as it began to rain some time around the afternoon. Malfoy dropped by for a visit, but he ran off before Harry could inflict any bodily harm when saw Lupin. The rain thickened as they headed farther north, turning the view behind the windows a solid gray so dark that the trains lanterns suddenly came on to provide light.

"We must be nearly there," said Ron as he looked out the window past Lupin. Not that there was anything to see. It was completely black.

The words were hardly out of his mouth when the train suddenly began to slow down.

"Brilliant," Ron said, getting up and going around Lupin to get a better view out the window. "I'm starving, I want to get to the feast…"

"We can't be there yet," Hermione said, checking her kinetic watch. "It's still too early."

"Then why're we stopping?"

The train came to a sudden stop, and distant noises told them that luggage was falling off racks. Harry was barely able to push their trunks back into place in time to keep them from falling on him and Ginny.

Without warning, all the lamps went out.

"What's going on?" said Ron from behind Harry who was fumbling at the base of his dagger so he could pull out his wand. They needed light…

"Ouch!" gasped Hermione. "Ron, that was my foot!"

Harry felt his way back to his seat, finally uncapping the seal and drawing out his wand, feeling thefamiliar cool holly as he snapped the cover back in place. "D'you think we've broken down?" he asked, fumbling the cap secure.

"Dunno…"

There was a squeaking sound, and Harry saw Ron's outline wiping a patch clean on the window and peering out.

"There's something moving out there," Ron said. "I think people are coming aboard…"

"This fumbling around in the dark is getting ridiculous," Harry muttered, finally getting the cap back in place. "Lum–"

The compartment door suddenly opened and someone fell painfully over Harry's legs, breaking his train concentration.

"Sorry! D'you know what's going on? Ouch! Sorry-"

"Hello, Neville," Harry said, feeling in the dark and following his senses, pulling Neville up by his cloak.

"Harry! Is that you? What's happening?"

"No idea! Look, I'm trying to light my wand. Sit down-"

"I'm going to go and ask the driver what's going on," Hermione's voice said as Neville tried to sit on Crookshanks, with pained results.

There was a thud and two pained squeals as Harry felt someone fall on his lap, someone who smelled faintly flowery. Ginny had apparently gotten the same idea and not bothered talking about it.

"Who's that?"

"Who's that?"

"Ginny?"

"Hermione?"

"Look, would one of you sit down so the other can get to the door?" Harry said as he felt whoever it was that fell on him– it felt like Ginny– trying to stand.

"Ouch!" said Neville as Hermione apparently tried to sit on him.

"Quiet!" a hoarse voice said suddenly.

"So glad you could finally join us, Professor," Harry said dryly as he settled to get comfortable with Ginny on his lap.

There was a soft, crackling sound, and a shivering light filled the compartment. Professor Lupin seemed to be holding a handful of flames.

"Stay where you are," Professor Lupin said before Harry could try casting the Lumos spell for the third time (he finally gave it up as 'not meant to be'), slowly getting to his feet and heading for the door.

The door slid open before Lupin could reach it. Standing in the doorway, illuminated by the shivering flames in Lupin's hand, was a cloaked figure that towered to the ceiling, it's face completely hidden under it's hood. A hand protruded from the cloak, glistening and grayish, slimy and scabbed, like a corpse's. it was only for a split second, as the hand withdrew into the folds of the cloak.

Then Harry heard a long, slow, rattling breath being drawn…

And intense cold swept through Harry, and he felt his breath catch in his throat as the cold seemed to penetrate deeper. It was getting under his skin, into his chest, into his heart. There was a rushing in his ears and he felt like he was being dragged down, down into darkness…

Somewhere, far, far away, he heard someone screaming…

----------------------------------------

They should have realized something was wrong when they approached the Uchiha compound and didn't see anyone…

("No…")

Harry and Naruto had been walking Sasuke home from the Academy, and had been slightly bothered no one was around. Granted, they hadn't exactly been expecting Itachi waiting at the gates…

("No…!")

Naruto had been thinking that maybe Itachi onii-san ("NO! NEVER THAT! NEVER AGAIN!")was dreaming up some kind of prank ("NO!") until they bumped into the first body of a dead Uchiha…

("NNOOOOOOOO!")

Harry was back to that fateful night, trying to drag Sasuke away to get help, maybe a couple of ANBU. The boy was frantic, running home and screaming for his parents. Harry and Naruto followed behind, the dark-haired boy thinking about how Itachi would kill him if anything happened to his brother, while a distant, older part of him was screaming for this to stop, that he didn't want to see…

That part howled in anguish as he saw Sasuke collapse ("NO! NOT AGAIN! SASUKE!") before the blankly staring corpse of his parents…

Usually, the memories of that night were only hazy nightmares to Harry, but now they were all too clear. Itachi stepped out of the gloom, eyes as red as the blood he'd spilled…

"NO!"

Naruto flying into a wall after being backhanded, his skull striking the mortar in a shower of blood that left a smear as he slid down…

"NO! NARUTO!"

Sasuke crying out, before suddenly stiffening and convulsing, finally toppling over to lie bleary eyed on the ground, muscles twitching randomly…

"SASUKE! NO NO NO…!"

Black and crimson eyes met frightened emerald, still staring disbelievingly, unable to grasp the truth. "'Tachi-kun…"

"BASTARD! I'LL KILL YOU, YOU BASTARD! I'LL KILL YOU…!"

A step forward. "…w-what… what are y-you doing…?"

Black met in a tri-bladed wheel.

"NO! NOT– DON'T"

A low voice, cold, dispassionate, merciless. "Mangekyou Sharingan:Tsukuyomi."

"NNNNNNNOOOOOOOOO!"

Pain. Merciless, endless pain, unending, unendurable, unceasing… muscles convulsing, mind and heart crying out, still unable to understand… mere hundredths of seconds that had felt like hours…

Loathe me…

"I will."

Despise me…

"Bet on it"

Live in an unsightly manner…

"…"

Live and find power! Become stronger than me! Only then will you gain the power to destroy me…

"I wouldn't have it any other way…"

----------------------------------------

"Harry! Harry! Are you all right"

Someone was slapping his face…

"I think he's coming to…"

He felt sick. Why was his throat so sore…?

Harry opened his eyes, throwing back his head in a primal scream. The lanterns were lit above him, and the floor was shaking– the train must be moving again. He was lying on the floor, looking up at the concerned faces of Ron, Hermione and Ginny, with Neville and Professor Lupin standing behind him.

He wanted to tell them he was all right, wanted to reassure them. But the instant he opened his eyes, the tears rushed forth, blinding him as he felt his legs curling back up to meet his chest. Someone whimpered, and Harry realized in horror that it was coming from his own throat.

He felt hands reaching down to try and heave him back to his seat, and he instinctively jerked away, batting away their hands with a wild swing of his arm as he curled up deeper on himself.

"Harry," Ron said nervously, "are you okay?"

Harry wanted to answer him. He really did. Yet what came out of his mouth was, "I'll kill you, Itachi. I'll kill you, I swear! I'LL KILL YOU, YOU BASTARD! I'LL KILL YOU, YOU HEAR ME! I'LL KILL YOU! I'LL KILL YOU!"

Harry couldn't stop screaming as his friends stared at him in mounting horror…

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To be continued…

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A/N: admit it, you people have just been waiting for that to happen, weren't you? And the chap started off so nicely, too.

About the gifts, I get exasperated reading fics where the gifts are so obviously deus ex machina. I tried to stick to J.K.'s line where the gifts are cool, occasionally useful, but aren't really mentioned much afterwards. As to Harry's 'pretty head', well, JuMiKu once used that line in a message she sent me ("Are you quite right in you pretty little head, Harry?") regarding something she was proofing and I've been dying to use it myself ever since.

Regarding the Kaiba Seto comment, as one author I'm reading has noted (Cathy-Bloom1, I believe), most of Seto's enemies are people he's never met (Noah, the fruity pink-haired guy, that girl-looking guy in the DOMA arc…).

The Baka implements partially inspired by the profile and a PM by the very nice reviewer formerly known as Laura J. Rie, now known as BakaHammerGirl.

I wasn't planning for Mr. Weasley to know about ninja. It just sort of came out during writing. But once it did, I was surprised at how logical it all was. Guess I'll just have to see how it turns out…

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A.T.E: Anko's Lap Dance

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Anko opened the door curiously, wondering who could be calling in on her. She wasn't that popular, so who…?

Five sexy women, one carrying a boom box, all wearing miniskirts and halter-tops, smiled seductively at her. "Mitarashi Anko? We're here for your 'home-service lap dance'."

Anko raised an eyebrow. "This is all Uzumaki's fault isn't it?"

The girls all nodded. One held up a can of whipped cream. Another held up a whip.

No one really knows if Anko told them to get lost…

----------------------------------------

A.T.E: Business as Usual With The ANBU

----------------------------------------

Everyone, ANBU and still-living prisoners alike, stared at the bushes shaking way on the other side of the clearing. The male nin- ANBU and prisoner alike- shifted uncomfortably as if their pants were too tight, while the kunoichi- ANBU and prisoner alike- gave them disapproving looks and muttered about how things like this smeared the good names of kunoichi everywhere. Moans drifted on the wind, punctuated by lusty, high-pitched cries asking for surrender.

"They weren't kidding when they told be the best people to be caught by were Miroku kunoichi," one of the prisoners muttered, squirming not-quite-uncomfortably.

"QUIET!" several male ANBU barked, feeling almost but not quite queasy.

Finally, there were several loud groans of surrender. A few minutes later, a lone kunoichi wearing a ridiculously short and tattered skirt, too-tight tattered top, and a pink ribbon in her hair appeared, dragging four bodies- two shinobi and two kunoichi- behind her with long strides of her moisture-smeared legs.

"Oh kami, she managed to defeat Wood Tentacles Yusuke," one of the prisoners breathed, seeing the fallen body of their most powerful member, the normally stiff tentacles on his back limp and flaccid.

Miko, head of the ANBU Seduction Corp, casually dropped the bodies she was dragging as she surveyed the prisoners, idly licking her wet fingers. "The men are dead," she said, wiping white smears from her cheeks. "Heart attack. They put up a good fight, though. The kunoichi are broken, so get any info you can from them then dispose of them."

"What about the prioners, Mido-san?" one of the ANBU asked.

She looked down at the prisoners and smiled. "I'll... take care... of them... personally."

The prisoners whimpered, not exactly in fear. Some ANBU seriously considered going missing nin just to get... caught...

The various kunoichi groaned and wondered when seduction stopped being subterfuge and started being a battle technique.

----------------------------------------

END

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Way out there, but for some reason, I couldn't get it out of my mind. Just to be clear, she's here as a joke. Harry, or anyone else, is not meeting her and are not learning any of her 'special techniques'.

Well... maybe Hinata... and I wonder how Orochimaru would use her jutsu...

Please review, C&C welcome. I have a deviant art account– my name there is shadow-crystal-mage too, so just add in dot deviantart dot com– where you can leave comments about my fanart for this and my other series. Check it out, as I will put in new art whenever I get around to it– kind of like my fics!

Until next time, this is Shadow, signing off.