Chapter 10: Ascending the abyss
xxx Souichi xxx
How absurd it is, to open your eyes to a new day.
Souichi blinked awake, his mind awakening slowly behind. He was lying in bed, the pillow soft against his head, the cotton quilt pulled up to his shoulders. The pale hue of dawn had just started peeking through the window blinds. For a disoriented moment, he wondered why he had cried in his sleep.
Ah, it was the last day of his hospitalization. Reality seeped in, as grey as the dawn. Souichi stared unseeingly at the clock on the wall. Time swept the living mercilessly forward.
Snoring rose gently by his bedside and momentarily jolted Souichi from a fugue of depression. Morinaga was slouched at his bedside, his head on his arm as he dozed fitfully in the hard, plastic chair. The man's pillow and quilt lay abandoned on the couch at the far wall.
The blue- black hair was soft to his touch, thick and unruly. Souichi let his fingers dance down Morinaga's face, rest lightly on his sleep- warmed cheek. Unlike their baby, Morinaga could be with him.
Morinaga's head lolled forward in deep slumber and he snorted in his sleep, as though protesting. Souichi's chuckle felt rusty in his throat but laugh he did. Kami, he had needed that. He felt as though he had just risen from murky waters. It was the first time in days that he recalled any emotion other than hopelessness. Souichi pulled himself up and this time he focused on Morinaga's countenance, almost foreign.
A mass of dark stubble, lines creased into pale skin. In the pale light, Morinaga's energy level seemed non- existent. Vaguely, Souichi remembered being hugged, being tucked into bed. The long- haired man clenched his jaw. He had never noticed Morinaga's condition, until now.
Quietly, Souichi rested his cheek against the sleeping man's for a good minute. Eyes closed, he let their hearts synchronise. The tumult within him slowly quelled down. "Sorry…" he breathed out, the all- too- familiar wave of sourness flooding his chest and nasal passages.
Thankfully, the younger man remained sleeping, unaware of his gesture. Souichi withdrew from Morinaga's side and stepped down from the bed. From his backpack he took out his laptop and papers. After today's discharge, life as he had known it would have to continue. If that were so, then he would make sure that his boy had justice.
The sourness in his chest suddenly plummeted downwards, causing his stomach to churn. Acid rose into his mouth, bringing with it the acrid taste of vomit. Souichi staggered to the bathroom. He had barely hunched over the toilet bowl before his stomach upturned and emptied its paltry contents.
With trembling fingers, Souichi managed to pull the flush. The sudden attack of nausea had left him dizzy and his mind swirled like the flourinated water swishing the sides of the porcelain bowl. Was it an aftereffect from the miscarrying? Or just general malady? He stayed still for a moment, willing the giddiness to dissipate before he found his feet. When the nausea finally subsided, Souichi rinsed and brushed his teeth. He exited the bathroom, only to walk right into Morinaga.
"Woah—Sempai, you're up early today. I heard the flush…" Morinaga caught Souichi and steadied him. The man had obviously woken up in a hurry, a red welt on his face from where he had lain on his arm. He saw Souichi and his eyes widened at his pallor. "Is everything okay? Your face—"
"I'm fine." If he told Morinaga about the vomiting, the man would probably stick to him like a second shadow and refuse to budge. He glanced at Morinaga's arms, which were still around him. "You can let go of me now, you know."
"I don't want to." Morinaga was stubborn. He studied Souichi's eyes carefully and his ever- present worry lessened somewhat when he saw the alertness in them. "You seem better today, Sempai."
Souichi nodded quietly. Unlike Morinaga, he had only been involved in himself, turned a blind eye to his anguish. Even now, when the man himself was clearly the worse for wear, Morinaga was focused only on him. Damnit. He was not the only one who had lost a child.
Without a word, he pulled Morinaga to the couch and forced the man to lie down. Morinaga protested, confused, but Souichi merely shushed him. He pulled the quilt over Morinaga's lanky frame and tucked him in. There was still a few hours before he would be discharged, plenty of time for him to get some rest.
"Sempai…? What are you doing?"
"Shush. You need rest. Sleep. I'll wake you up when it's eleven." When Morinaga persisted in speaking, Souichi lost his patience and pressed a kiss to his lips. When he lifted his head, Morinaga continued to lie prone, his face an 'O' of amazement.
"S-sempai…"
"S-stop talking and sleep! I'm not the only one who didn't sleep at night, and also not the only one who needs to be taken care of." This was the closest that he would come to admitting his concern, to acknowledge the miscarriage. Souichi ruffled Morinaga's hair, made to move off. Strong fingers took hold of his wrist. When Souichi turned to look at his lover, he saw that his gesture had been understood.
"I love you, Sempai." Morinaga smiled serenely and squeezed Souichi's hand tightly. "I'll always be here for you."
Souichi wiped his eyes brusquely, nodded. Morinaga beamed and then retracted his hand. He nestled into the pillow and within minutes, his frame had relaxed into the posture of sleep.
While Morinaga slept, Souichi spent his time looking after their daughter and catching up on his work. Wanting Emi to be near, he had strapped her to his chest as he bent over the laptop, going through the slew of mail that had been sent in that period of time. Emi's warmth, like her Papa's, comforted him in the same way. She was a calm baby, content to lie against him quietly. Occasionally, she would burble some conversation. Souichi would smile and reply, his hand petting her back as he did so.
There was an official email from the board of grants, informing him that they had received the proposal for his research on Cnidium officinale. Souichi pursed his lips, pondered. Prof. Satou had kept to his promise and submitted his work under his name. That was all well and good. However, if what the professor had said was true, then it meant that the culprit, probably dissatisfied by the preliminary data that he had stolen, would be waiting for Souichi to start on actual research on the herb. Once concreter information was available, he would steal it.
Fuck. Had they walked right into the trap that the bastard had laid? Souichi cursed and belatedly covered Emi's ears after doing so. Still, in the world of university research, it was publish or die. Furthermore, he sincerely believed that Cnidium officinale would benefit the masses if its medicinal properties could be researched on and then harnessed properly. Thwarting one bastard was insufficient reason to give up on his work.
With that said, the next step was prevention. Souichi frowned in concentration, then started to scan the web. He spent the next half an hour researching on reliable stalls in Akihabara. In this age of technology, protection and prevention could be done electronically.
His silver cell phone vibrated just as he had shortlisted some stores to visit later. Souichi picked up the mobile, only recently charged. He noticed the myriad missed calls from Matsuda- san, messages from Kanako. Seeing their insistent communication, a reminder began to probe at Souichi's mind, something that he had forgotten…
Ah…Souichi immediately dialed his aunt's number, pressed the mobile to his ear. Their wedding. "Matsuda- san? Good morning. Yes, some…things cropped up recently and I forgot to charge my mobile…yes…thank you…"
When he hung up, Souichi rubbed his face wearily. His wedding was in two days, and his family was coming to visit in one. It was the plan that they had set in motion before knowing about the pregnancy, and then the miscarriage. Souichi shut his laptop, work done for the moment. He burrowed against Emi's soft cheek and tried to clear his head. Kami.
"Abur goo…mgiir da." Emi's chubby legs kicked at his sides lightly. Souichi lifted his head and gazed affectionately at his daughter. Her rosy cheeks were plump, hanging down like a little Buddha. She was bouncing happily in her swaddle in rhythm to Souichi's petting. "Da!"
"Shh, Papa's sleeping."
"No, I'm not."
Souichi nearly fell out of the bed in shock. He turned around and, sure enough, Morinaga was behind him, looking more rested than before. He chuckled at Souichi's startled expression and then laughed out loud when he narrowed a glare at him. "Sempai, I heard you on the phone. That was Matsuda- san, right?"
"You…didn't I tell you to rest? There's still an hour to go!"
"Mhmm, but I do feel rested, Sempai. Don't worry about me," Morinaga said softly. He sat beside Souichi on the bed and fluffed Emi's thick hair. "Did she mention about…?"
"Yes. She called you a few days ago, right?" Souichi chanced a glance at his lover, noted the same conflict clouding Morinaga's bottle- green eyes.
"Yeah… I didn't tell her about this…" Morinaga sighed, his large palm joining Souichi's against Emi's diapered bottom. "But…I really want to go through with our wedding, Sempai. Is it very callous of me to want that, at this time?"
He was asking for permission. Souichi fell silent and Morinaga did the same, respecting his decision. It was bitter irony to hold an auspicious event right after their misfortune. It made it seem as though their second baby had been insignificant, a figment of a short, sweet dream. They had barely started grieving for him and now were thinking of moving on to the next chapter of their lives.
Furthermore, there was the issue of his aunt and sister. Souichi had also not revealed the fact that he was currently in hospital to Matsuda- san. However, it did not sit right with him to withhold the truth from her, especially since she had always been like a mother figure to the Tatsumi siblings.
And then there was the last issue. The truth was, he wanted to…
"Sempai, would you still want to marry me? Even though…even though I couldn't protect you and the baby?" A hitch in Morinaga's breathing. The man was trembling; it was his second proposal. His expression was an immiscible combination of hope and apprehension.
Souichi glanced at their ring- less fingers, remembered the surge of envy that had drowned him when he saw Tomoe and Kurokawa's gold bands. The truth was, he wanted it—everything. The ring, the family. If he had to lose those on top of the baby as well…Souichi shunned from the thought. He shook his head, batting it away. Kami, he was really in deep.
"You don't want to…" Morinaga breathed out quietly. He had seen Souichi's head shake and mistaken its meaning. The man withdrew his hand, stood up. He turned away from Souichi, suddenly frantic. "I, uh, I need to go get some fresh air—"
"My answer is 'yes', baka!"
Morinaga halted in his step, his fists clenched in balls of control. He slowly turned to face Souichi, unable to hide the tears that had dripped down in wet spots on his shirt. "R-really?"
"Yes! Now, come back here." Souichi slapped the space beside him, making sure to scowl at Morinaga even though his heart was full to bursting.
Morinaga did not need telling twice. In one large bound, he had engulfed Souichi in a fervent embrace, the suffocating grief that he had tried to bear by himself released in an unstoppable torrent.
Souichi soothed Morinaga's hair and gently kissed his neck. As best as he could, he bundled the lanky man into his lap and hugged him back as fiercely.
Dr. Yuki was seated at his desk when Souichi and Morinaga knocked and entered the office. It looked like the interiors of any clinic, except that the ultrasounds were significantly more sophisticated and there were contraction- frequency machines stowed by the corner. The men took a seat and prepared to be debriefed.
The young doctor nodded benignly at them, not mentioning the obvious coolness in the men's attitude. He had experienced such rejection from past patients, when inevitable abortion had occurred. That he had not been able to prevent his male patients' baby from the same fate made him more determined to hone his medical knowledge.
"Tatsumi- san, Morinaga- san, good morning. These are copies of the hospitalization forms, as well as the results of the scans and blood tests that we carried out in the duration of your stay. Everything seems normal, which is a good sign." So saying, he pushed the manila folder, so much like the one he had passed to them a few days ago, over the table.
"Thanks." Souichi took it without comment. There would be no ultra- scan photo within the file anymore, or recipes for a healthy pregnancy.
Morinaga had apparently also realized the irony. His eyes moved everywhere except on the brown folder, expression somber and gray.
Dr. Yuki sighed inwardly. "There is only a slight problem with your hormonal levels. The amounts of the pregnancy hormone, as well as progesterone and estrogen, are still maintained at a high level, which is incongruous. However, I have had patients with the same issue in the past, and the levels soon subsided without any complications. Nonetheless, I recommend a follow- up within the next two months, sooner if you feel discomfort and continued nausea."
"The nausea's due to the hormones?" Souichi asked, reminded of that morning's episode in the bathroom.
"Yes. Estrogen has been thought to be a contributing factor to nausea. However, once the body has adjusted and stops producing excessive hormones, the symptom should ease."
"That's good to know. Thanks."
"You're welcome." Dr. Yuki moved his mouth, as though he were chewing on what to say. Then, "Take good care, gentlemen."
The three men stood up, bowed stiffly in farewell. There was the scraping of chairs; Emi was secured more tightly in her swaddle. Without a backward glance, the little family left the hospital, bringing the presence of another being with them.
"To Akihabara, please."
Morinaga looked incredulously at Souichi as the cab they were in pulled away from the hospital and joined with the traffic on the main road.
"Sempai…? Why're we going to Akihabara?"
"There're things I want to buy," Souichi said as he gestured to his backpack, where his laptop was stowed. "Pinhole camera, encrypter—if the culprit is after my data, I'll be damned if I let him do so that easily."
"Sounds wise, but aren't you tired?" Morinaga glanced concernedly at Souichi's peaked complexion.
"'M fine," Souichi grunted. The cab halted at a traffic junction, the jerkiness of the brakes causing him to grimace. Luckily, Akihabara was not far away.
Morinaga rummaged in his pockets and took out a packet of preserved plums. He tapped Souichi, passed him the bag. "Here, for your upset stomach, Sempai."
He had obviously not been discreet enough. Souichi muttered thanks and quickly popped a plum into his mouth. The tartness calmed his stomach.
Morinaga hid a smile and propped Emi up so that she could see the passing scenery, keeping up small talk with Souichi now and then. They were trying to regain their footing, recover a semblance of normalcy.
The trip to Akihabara was quick if uneventful. It was not difficult to find stores that specialized in the arena of surveillance and data protection. By the time they reached home, the summer afternoon was still going strong. Souichi immediately unboxed his purchases and installed them on his laptop. Now, there were multiple electronic layers of protection for his data. The software that he had installed not only encrypted information but could also track transactions that had been done on his laptop. Once the installation was done, he took out his new spy camera, which was inbuilt into a real, functional USB flash drive. The resolution and audio quality were as superb as promised. It captured his face and the surrounding area of up to fifty feet in flawless detail.
Emi's face loomed large on the screen when Souichi looked up. The baby tried to bat at her image but Morinaga lifted her away in time. The man had wisely stayed away when Souichi had been equipping his laptop but now came close again. "Everything all set up, Sempai?"
"Yes. I have no doubt that the bastard will try again, seeing as I'll be getting more useful data once the grant is approved," Souichi muttered. He typed a few more keys and completed the installation of the encrypting software. "Let's see him try."
Morinaga nodded somberly, though a furrow of worry flitted across his face at Souichi's flinty expression. "Regarding the herb research, my company is going to launch a discussion with Todai to get exclusive rights to any data pertaining to it. Saga- san mentioned it in a meeting yesterday. I might be put in charge of the technical aspects of making the herb commercially available."
At the surprising but good news, Souichi placed his full attention on his partner. "That's a damned good opportunity, Morinaga. Make full use of it."
"I know! However, that also means that I'll get the chance to travel to Todai to 'monitor' any and all experiments regarding Cnidium officinale, Sempai. We'll be work partners again!" Morinaga was positively beaming, his entire being alight at the prospect of spending work time with Souichi.
"Don't go off- tangent, idiot. This is work we're talking about! If you bungle it up…" Souichi trailed off threateningly and was only satisfied when the younger man nodded sheepishly. "In any case, it's going to be different this time round. You won't be working as my assistant anymore but as an associate. So make sure you live up to the part instead of focusing on all the wrong things!"
"That'd make me Sempai's equal…" Morinaga murmured. The idea was clearly foreign to him, for he began to grin like an idiot. "I can finally support you with my own abilities!"
"Like I said before, I don't need you to support me!" Souichi's manly pride bristled. If he managed to clinch the grant and a postgraduate position, his allowance would go up rather significantly. "Just support Emi and the baby will do!"
There was a crack of silence following Souichi's words. The veil of normalcy wavered. Morinaga forced a smile and said, "I'd definitely provide for our children, Sempai, no matter how many we have."
Despite the efforts, the respite had already collapsed. Souichi glanced at his laptop, fitted with all the latest technology and painful reminders. He shut it down, suddenly tired. The brightness of their living room could not seem to soothe his spirits, as it normally would. Without a word, he stood up.
"Sempai?" Morinaga's voice cracked a little.
"I'm going upstairs to rest." Souichi was already padding towards the stairs. He did not want anyone near him now. Darkness and the comfort of his quilt; he sought a quiet place to fall apart.
"…Don't leave me alone here. Sempai." Morinaga's voice was directly behind him, plaintive, abandoned. Souichi's breath hitched when he felt the man's warmth encircle him in a plea. "…Please."
Souichi sagged against Morinaga, his own arms encircling the man's. Their child. He wanted him back.
To be continued.
