Legolas
"Legolas!"
It is Elrohir calling. I would know his voice anywhere of course and then I see him as he walks into the clearing below me. I take a moment to watch him for there is nothing I like more in the world than watching him. His beauty, his grace of movement, his charisma, everything about him entrances me and I could watch him for hours if I had the time. I sometimes do truth be told.
Now however I do not have the luxury of sitting back and observing my lover for he is panicked and I am the reason. Instead I drop quietly out of the trees in front of him.
"Elrohir, I am here."
When he sees me he is upon me in a moment, and I am wrapped in an embrace. I love the feeling of his arms around me and I relax into it. There is nothing more calming than this.
"I thought you gone!" He exclaims, "Where have you been? I thought you had left me!"
"I have been here, in the trees." I say and despite my tardiness and lack of attention I am confused by his distress.
"I swore I would not leave you. Did Elladan not tell you that?"
"He did..." And Elrohir hesitates at that
"Did you not believe him? Or was it me whose word you did not trust?" I am upset by this. I had given my word, even when I did not answer could he not have had more faith than this?
And I see by his face it was me he doubted.
"You do not trust me!" I am hurt and affronted.
"It is not that I did not trust you. I am sure you didn't mean to run but that does not mean you would not go if the sea convinced you to Legolas, it is not you I do not trust but the sea and the person you are when you listen to it."
"I would not leave you without saying goodbye, even for the sea!" I cannot believe he thinks I would do that but he sighs,
"You did just that yesterday."
"That is not true. I wrote you a letter!"
"You did not even tell me where you went."
That is true I must admit but I had been certain he would work it out, surely that counts? No, I say to myself, no if I am honest it does not. He is right. I am not trustworthy. It hurts me to know that for it is not how I see myself.
I can see indecision in his face, he is unsure what to do. In the end he sits and motions for me to sit also.
"Can we talk?" He says, "I think we need to."
And the now familiar knot of fear appears in my stomach, how long will it take until every request to communicate doesn't seem like a potential rejection?
Still I sit, what choice do I have?
"I have been thinking..." he begins, and I don't like the sound of this. He is obviously nervous about speaking whatever is on his mind.
"Last night I did a lot of thinking, Legolas, you have been... you have been not the most rational lately."
"What do you mean!" I cry, for this is not easy to hear.
"You..." Elrohir is struggling to get the words out and I can tell he is choosing them carefully, "It seems as if you have not been seeing things clearly, the way you see things...it is not as we do."
"Are you suggesting I have lost my mind? I tell you I have not!"
"I know you have not," he says gently, does he think I am a child?
"Give me an example then Elrohir, show me what you mean. What do you see differently?"
"Well there is Estel...I know you are distressed by your friendship with him, I understand that Legolas," he speaks as if he is desperate not to offend me, as if I am some fragile creature.
"I know things are not quite right between you but to us ... it does not seem as bad as you think it is. Even Estel says things improve, that you move closer together and I have spoken to him often about this."
I am astonished. What right does he have to question my pain?
"How would you know? How would you know what it is like? You are not a part of our friendship. You do not get to tell me how I feel."
"But Estel..."
"You know nothing about it Elrohir!"
He takes a deep breath and begins again.
"What about something I do know...what about me."
"What about you?" I have no idea what he is meaning.
"I know you have been afraid I would leave you, But I wonder why Legolas."
"Why? Because I betrayed you!"
"But you know the depth of my love for you, You know how much I need you. I have told you often, I know it has frustrated you in the past... why would you think I could ever leave, even if I wanted to. I am too entwined with you, I would not be myself without you. I will always forgive you. What made you think I could not? Why have you spent so long in misery about this?"
His questions take me by surprise. Why did I believe so strongly he would leave me...for so many years? Now, as I sit here it seems unreal, for he is right, he loves me deeply. Why did I not trust in that for I do know it.
"I don't know..." I say, "I don't know now but surely that is only because I know you didn't leave? It was quite clear before, now it is...confusing."
He places a hand on my knee,
"I think It may be the sea longing."
"What?!" That is ridiculous and makes no sense at all to me.
"Yes! Hear me out, I have thought about this long and hard. The sea longing calls you, it tries to lure you across the sea but if it has failed, if you resist its call...well could it not try to push you also?"
"Push me?"
"Destroy the bonds that hold you here, make things seem to be what they are not. Warp the way you see things, Estel...me...the people you hold dear, might it not take the opportunity to make you think we are lost to you? "
And as I hear him say this suddenly it all makes sense but before I can speak he continues,
"The old Legolas, the one before the sealonging. That Legolas would have told me what he had done, he would not have doubted the strength of our bond, and I would have been angry, and we would have fought...but it would not have mattered in the end. It seems your confidence in us has all disappeared. I do not recognise the Elrohir you thought I was, an Elrohir who could walk away from you."
"What about my father?" I ask, "Do you question my grief?"
"Of course not!" He takes my hand,
"I know you miss him as I miss mine. You have no idea how many times I have wished he was here but is it not ...perhaps more intense than you would expect? I do not mean to dismiss it Legolas, not at all but it is yet another thing it can use against you. A trap to ensnare you."
"If what you say is true then how can I know what is real?" It is a frightening thought that the sea longing may be twisting my reality but oh, now he has said it it feels right, I think he may be right!
He leans forward and softly strokes the hair from my face.
"You have had much to bear, I know, and perhaps it is all just that. But I worry, I worry that if you sail, when you reach Valinor and the sea longing is gone your thoughts will clear and you will be left with such regret, for Estel and Gimli cannot follow you."
"I think...what you say has merit," I am still struggling to process it but I am more and more convinced as I think on it.
"I have never heard of this though, I have never heard of anything like this."
He shrugs his shoulders,
"Of course I am no scholar, you know that. You are probably best advised to check with Estel or Elladan. They know much more of everything than I"
"You know much more of me!"
He is always so self depreciating and it is so again now.
"I do not have their skills...I have no skill at all but the thought occurred to me and it seemed to make some sense."
I look at him beside me and I wonder not for the first time what I must do to get him to see his worth, to see himself as I do.
An idea strikes me and in a rush of impulsiveness I clutch his arm and drag him to his feet.
"Come with me!"
"What? Where do we go?" He asks but he allows me to drag him into the woods. It takes time, a long time to find what it is I want and we wander far among the trees until
Elrohir is anxious.
"Legolas do you have any idea where we are? The others will be looking for us."
"Of course I know where we are! We are in the woods and I am a woodelf!"
Sometimes he is such a Noldo.
At last I find it, a dark slit in the rock, dank, wet and narrow. You could barely call it a cave but it will do. I pull him in after me.
"What are you doing?! You hate caves!" He thinks me completely mad now I am sure but I forge on and we walk into the dark.
"I will show you how I see you." I tell him,
"Look Elrohir, What do you see?"
"Nothing." He says, "it is pitch black here."
"This is my life. Or it has been, lately. Darkness pressing in on me, can you feel it?"
He turns to look at me with alarm, I can see his soft glow.
"Not this dire surely? Tell me it is not so Legolas!"
I shrug,
"Sometimes, but it does not matter because... watch..."
Then I take his shoulders and turn him slowly so we face back from where we have come. Ahead of us is the opening and the sun shines through, a beam of light that cuts the dark scattering it in its wake, dust particles dance in its warmth and all it falls on is illuminated with it's golden touch.
"What do you see now Elrohir?"
He is all confusion,
"The way out?"
"Yes!" I smile, "This is my life and the light is you. My way out of the darkness. See how beautiful it is! See how it transforms this place. You do that Elrohir, for me. You transform my life. Do you understand? What skill you have! None can come close to you...not for me."
He stares and says nothing for a long time but then he turns to me with disbelief in his eyes,
"You really must be crazy!"
"Perhaps," I smile back, "Perhaps, but I do not care when I have you. Do you understand? Do you understand what you are to me? Do you understand how I see you?" I touch his face gently, my fingers wandering softly across his beauty.
"I am no-"
I place my hand across his mouth stopping dead his words before he can run himself down yet again.
"No Elrohir, I will not listen. You are everything."
And then he smiles.
