Preview: In this chapter, Sonny and Barba must come to a decision regarding their future together.


Chapter 12: Turning Point


"I'm really not in a mood to play games. What exactly did I lie about?" Barba asked in confusion as he crossed the gap between himself and Sonny while placing his briefcase on the end table.

"You said that you couldn't make it to lunch today with Bella and me, because you were busy."

"So far, we're in agreement. I was in court, like I normally am most days."

Sonny tilted his head slightly to one side. "ALL day long?"

"I might have stepped out for a quick bite or to run an errand. There isn't a law against it the last time I looked. Or is there?"

Sonny took his hands out of his pockets and crossed his arms over each other with his legs slightly apart, which was his usual stance when he was questioning suspects.

"I guess that it was my imagination when I saw you and Liv in front of the DA's office this afternoon. Unless, of course, it wasn't you after all and there's a doppleganger out there who also happens to be an ADA in Manhattan."

Barba's green eyes reflected an admission of guilt. His gaze lowered slightly in response. Sonny's heart clenched in pain against his chest. Deep down, he was hoping and praying that what he had seen earlier was just a mirage. But it was true. Barba had lied to him after all.

"That WAS you, wasn't it?" Sonny asked, already knowing the answer.

"What do you want from me?" Barba replied wearily as he met Sonny's gaze after an awkward moment of silence.

"I want you to talk to me like you used to. I want you to tell me how you're feeling inside. I don't care if you yell or scream or throw around the furniture. You can even yell at me if you want to. Just don't shut me out."

"It was just one lunch date. If it'll make you happy, I'll take you out every day for a week to make up for it."

"Are you even listening to me? Look, I'm not mad that you lied about not being available for lunch. I'm more disappointed in the fact that you felt you couldn't tell me what's been bothering you these past few days. We've never kept any secrets from each other, Rafael."

"I guess there's always a first for everything."

"This isn't funny."

"I wasn't making light of the situation. I was just stating a fact. Sonny, I care about you very much, but there are some things that I'm not at liberty to share with you, no matter how much I want to."

"You wouldn't be going to this extreme if you didn't have your back against the wall. I'm not stupid. You've been purposely keeping your distance from us at 1 PP and I know that Willard has something to do with it. We know that he contacted your office using a burner cell phone. That's why you refused to help us with the search warrant for his office, isn't it? Because of something he knows about you."

"Just leave well enough alone, all right? We got the bastard in the end. That's all that matters. There's no need to beat a dead horse."

"I thought we trusted each other. I thought we could talk to each other about anything. Am I just some warm body that you use to satisfy your carnal urges and then toss aside when things start to get too uncomfortable? Or do I mean something to you?"

Barba reached out so that he could pull Sonny into his arms to placate him, but the younger man took a step backwards automatically. Sonny couldn't allow himself to be swayed by sentiment. He knew that if Barba touched him, he would waver on his resolve to get to the truth behind Barba's motivations. Barba on the other hand, felt like someone had kicked him in the gut. He couldn't bear to see the look in Sonny's eyes.

"You're more important to me than anyone I've ever been with, Sonny," Barba replied solemnly. "And I do trust you."

"You have a funny way of showing it. Come on, Rafael. Talk to me. It can't be all that bad."

Barba squared his shoulders to brace himself. "And what if it is? Would you look at me differently if you found out that I'm not who you thought I was? That I was no better than David Willard?"

"I would prefer to make my own assessment, thank you. And it's laughable that you would equate yourself with that pathological murderer. You are nothing like him. You have a conscience and a soul. That's one of the things that I admired about you from the beginning, even though you wanted everyone to believe you were this sarcastic, social climbing, opportunist that only cared about winning cases and furthering your career. And for a while, that was true. But as time passed, I saw how the cases affected you on a personal level and I saw how you had changed. You allowed yourself to care more. I know that it probably wasn't an easy thing for you to do, considering your personality and upbringing. It's all the more humbling to know that you let your guard down enough to share a part of yourself with me. But I don't want you to suffer in silence. I want to be there for you, just like you were there for me when I needed you. Won't you let me in, Rafael?"

Barba felt torn inside as his need for secrecy battled against his desire to share his deepest regret with his lover. No. Sonny was more than just a lover. He was a friend, a companion, and last, but most definitely not least, he was Barba's soulmate. He wanted to tell Sonny and assuage his fears by reassuring the younger man that he was the most important person in his world as far as Barba was concerned. That being said, it still wasn't enough to make him divulge his past transgression, mainly because he was terrified of how Sonny would react to discovering his not so ethical past. Even though he had already revealed his secret to Liv, he couldn't bring himself to tell Sonny, for fear of losing him altogether.

"You don't know what you're asking. Once I open that Pandora's Box, it can never be closed again. And we can never go back to the way it was before. Is that what you want?"

"You didn't seem too concerned having Liv with you before going to the DA's office this afternoon. In fact, you always share your deepest thoughts and feelings with her. It's always been that way, even after you and I started seeing each other."

"That's not true, and you know it," Barba denied vehemently. "I've shared parts of my past with you that I haven't told anyone before. Not even to Liv."

"Perhaps. But it doesn't change the fact that you never hesitate to confide in her whether it involves work or if it's about a personal matter. I know that you've known her longer and that it's part of your job, but it just feels like I'm always an afterthought where you're concerned. It's like I'm not good enough for you or something. You of all people, should know what it feels like playing second fiddle."

"That was a cheap shot," Barba replied a grim voice.

"I'm sorry, but I can't help feeling that way, and I'm not going to sugarcoat it. I mean, is your friendship with Liv more important, that you can't even tell me what happened today? I'm not just some schmuck off the street. I'm the person who cares about you the most."

This time, Sonny couldn't hide the pain reflected in his voice. He knew that he was being a little too sensitive, but he couldn't help it. After all, he was only human.

"You're getting worked up over nothing, Sonny. Liv and I bumped into each other on the way to the DA's office. She was just giving me moral support because she already knew about what Willard had on me. There's no reason for you to feel threatened by her or anyone else for that matter."

Sonny shook his from side to side in disbelief and frustration. Not only had Barba told Liv about his secret, but apparently, she had known about it for some time. "Well, that answers my question. It seems that you can confide in her, but not me. It's nice to know where I stand as far as you're concerned."

"That's not fair. You're twisting my words," Barba replied defensively. He placed one hand at the waist while the other hand rubbed his forehead in frustration. Now, he knew what it was like to be on the other side of an interrogation. He was in a no win situation no matter how he answered back. "Look, I know that it's a lot to ask, but I'm pleading with you to trust me. I can't involve you in this. It's nothing personal."

"You ask too much, Rafael. You want me to trust you, but you won't trust me. That's not how this trust thing works."

"I'm sorry Sonny, but this is something that I can't share with you."

"Can't?...Or won't?"

"If you really cared about me, you would respect my wishes by not forcing the issue."

Sonny ground his lips together in an attempt to quell his frustration and pain. Now, Barba was using emotional blackmail to get to him. But Sonny wasn't going to give in. He could be just as stubborn as Barba was being.

"And if you really cared about me, I wouldn't have to resort to these measures."

"You know that I don't respond well to threats. I'm used to getting them from disgruntled cops, judges, and even from the DA's office. But I never thought I would be getting them from my own boyfriend."

"I've never wanted you to do anything that you didn't want to do on your own, Rafael," the younger man replied softly. "But it seems that you won't budge on this issue. So, I'm going to do the only thing I can do under the circumstances."

"And just what exactly are you implying?" Barba demanded.

Sonny took a deep breath before continuing, bracing himself for Barba's reaction.

"It's obvious that keeping your secret is more important to you than our relationship. So I think...I think we should stop seeing each other for the time being."

Barba stared at Sonny incredulously. "You've got be freaking kidding. You're breaking up with me?"

"I wish to God, that I were kidding," Sonny replied painfully. "And I'm not planning on breaking up with you."

"Not now, anyway," Barba replied glibly. "Isn't that the point of the whole endeavor?"

"That's up to you, Rafael. All I'm saying is that the best thing for us, is to have some time away from one another and we can think things through and decide what exactly it is that we want from this relationship."

"I didn't think that you would use my feelings for you as a weapon against me."

"Do you think I WANT to do this? Do you think I relish the idea of an uncertain future without you? I gave you every chance to tell the truth, but you stonewalled me at every turn. How can you expect me to accept that kind of relationship where we have secrets from each other?"

"I'm trying to protect you, Sonny. Can't you see that?"

"No, I can't see that. And I don't want or need protection. I need honesty, communication, and trust. All I see from my point of view is that I'm not important enough to take the risk. I still want to be with you, Rafael, but as long as there's this...this thing between us, I can't. It hurts too much. Every time I look into your eyes, I'll be reminded that there's a part of you I can't reach."

As much as Barba hated to admit it, Sonny was right. He was wrong for even asking Sonny to accept such an arrangement in the first place.

"If that's what you want, I'll accept your wishes. But I won't like it."

"I'm not too particularly fond of it, myself. But I know that it's the right thing to do."

"I hate it whenever you're right and I'm wrong."

"That's the sweetest compliment you've ever given me, Rafael."

Sonny and Barba stared deeply into each other's eyes, not knowing if things would ever be the same between them.

"It's going to be hell without you, Sonny."

"Copy that," Sonny replied softly. "If it's any consolation, it's going to be hell for me without you as well."

"At least that's something. So...I guess I'll see you when I see you."

"Yeah, I guess so. Take care of yourself, Rafael. And remember to take your vitamins and get some exercise like your doctor said. Because if you don't, I'll find out and bug you until you do."

"Serves me right for having a boyfriend who happens to be a hypochondriac and a cop."

"Well, you can't blame me for worrying since you're such a workaholic and a stubborn jackass."

"Thanks for still worrying."

"I will always care about you Rafael. No matter what happens between us."

Barba swallowed the lump that formed in his throat. He would rather face a hundred disciplinary committees than endure seeing the forlorn look in Sonny's eyes.

"Can I at least walk you out to your car?" Barba asked uncertainly.

Sonny's expression softened as he reached for Barba's hand. "Do you even have to ask?"


"You did what?" Lucia demanded after hearing the latest update on her son's romantic woes. "¡Ay! ¡Me vuelves loca!"

Barba winced while rubbing the back of his neck in response to his mother's overly dramatic reaction. "I KNEW it was going to be a mistake telling you about what happened."

"Can you blame me for my reaction? The first person you're serious about after that ordeal with Yelina and you go and do something like this. Are you trying to give me more grey hairs on purpose?"

"I was trying to do the right thing, Mami. I was trying to protect Sonny."

"Sounds like he can take care of himself from the way he stood his ground. I haven't even met him yet, and I like him already. And now, I may not even get the chance thanks to your stubborness."

"Thanks for cheering me up," Barba replied sarcastically. "Maybe I'll go break my leg and give you a real laugh."

"Mi hijo, you know that I love you and I'll always be on your side, but you have no one to blame for this, except yourself. You should have told Sonny the truth."

"I know, I know. I panicked, all right? Who would have thought that he was going to give me an ultimatum like that?"

"It sounds to me like the only reason Sonny forced your hand, was because he wanted to understand where you were coming from. That's perfectly understandable."

"I guess I was afraid that he wouldn't want to be with me if he knew what really happened."

"I think the statute of limitations on the guilt you're feeling expired a long time ago," Lucia replied softly. "You were younger then and less experienced, Rafi. You felt that you had no choice."

"That's no excuse. I knew what I was doing and I knew the consequences."

"So did Marianna. She was a junkie for most of her life. And she knew what she was doing when she took the heroin before testifying."

"But I was the one who took advantage of her moment of weakness, knowing what it could do to her. I practically put a gun in her hand, so to speak."

"We all make mistakes. None of us are perfect."

Barba allowed himself to smile gently.

"What's with that look?"

"You sounded just like Sonny a moment ago. That's exactly what he would say in this situation."

"Rafi, I hate seeing you like this. Go to him and tell him what he wants to hear and let the chips fall where they may. What's the worst that could happen?"

"He could want nothing more to do with me, that's what could happen. Sonny isn't ruthless. He's sweet, compassionate, and caring. In some ways, there's still an innocence about him. And he also has this steadfast belief in right and wrong. He may not want to understand...and he may not want to forgive my trespasses."

"Wouldn't you rather know for sure instead of wondering? It's better than what you're both going through right now. I bet he's just as miserable as you've been since you two took a time out from each other. I know for a fact that you miss Sonny and want to be with him."

"How did you come to that conclusion?"

"Simple deduction. A, I know what you like. B, I know what you don't like. And C, you wouldn't be discussing your love life with your mother if you weren't missing him."

"Hey, I'm the lawyer around here. How did you get so well versed in presenting a rock-solid case?"

"I'm your mother. I've been doing it all your life, darling. Where did you think you got your ability to argue from?"

Barba reached over to wrap his arms around his mother. "I love you, Mami."

"I love you too, Rafi."


"Hello Rafael."

Barba's eyes widened in shock and surprise at finding Sonny's father standing outside of his door a few days later. He could almost feel his palms perspiring in response.

"Mr. Carisi, what an unexpected surprise."

"I'm sure it is. And it's Dominick. Is it all right if I come in?"

"Oh, sure. Please make yourself at home," Barba replied somewhat nervously as he made way for the tall, imposing man. "Can I get you anything to drink?"

"No, thanks. I'm good. I've never been one to hold anything back so I'm just going to be honest here. I know what happened between you and Sonny."

"I should have known that he would tell his family. Tell one Carisi and you tell them all. I guess you want to lay into me as well. Well, go ahead. I deserve it."

"I'm not here to place any blame on you, Rafael. I just want to talk. And for your information, Sonny wasn't the one who told me. He doesn't even know that I'm here."

"If you're not here to read me the riot act, then why are you here?"

"You know, when my daughter first told us that she suspected that you and Sonny were attracted to each other, it threw me for loop. I mean Sonny has had his share of failed relationships with women, but it never occurred to me that he would fall for an older man."

"Does that bother you, sir? I mean, your wife told us that the two of you were okay with it, but I've always wanted to know straight from the horse's mouth. No insult intended."

"None taken."

"I mean, I would understand if you did because I grew up Catholic as well."

"To answer your question, yes I was surprised. But was I bothered by it? No, I wasn't."

"Thank you for that."

"My son is a passionate, confident, and headstrong Italian through and through. He gets it from both sides of the family. You probably know by now, that he never does anything half-hearted and that he wears his heart on his sleeve."

Barba acknowledged his sentiment with a nod and a wry grin. "I'm well acquainted with Sonny's inimitable personality."

"But he wasn't always that way. When he was a kid, he was a scrawny runt. He was short, skinny, awkward...and an easy target for all the neighborhood bullies. They would pick on him every day for no good reason. I guess they could see that he was sensitive and caring and like all bullies do, they took advantage of that so-called weakness. Because he became a target for the bullies, all the other kids were too scared to be friends with him. He spent a lot of time on his own. I told Sonny that I would take care of it so that they would regret messing with a son of mine. But God love him, he said that it was his problem and that he wanted to handle it on his own. I think in his mind, my intervention would have made things worse because he would be thought of as a snitch and that he couldn't take care of his own battles. I made a deal with Sonny that if it was ever too much for him, to just say the word and I would step in. He never said a word. It was hard to stand back and watch him go through that ordeal, especially when he would pretend that everything was okay when it wasn't. One time, he had to go to the hospital to get stitches when some kid pushed his face through a plate glass window. Sonny wouldn't say who did it, but I knew it was that punk Bobby Bianchi. His father was just as bad, if not worse."

Barba could feel his heart clench in pain. "Poor Sonny. I know what's it's like to deal with bullies, but at least I had friends to stick up for me. I can't imagine what he went through all alone."

"It wasn't until he had his growth spurt that things finally got better for him. Since he was growing taller and getting bigger physically, it made those bullies think twice before picking on him and decided to leave him alone. Things were finally getting better for Sonny. And for a while, he was back to his normally easy-going self. At least that was what we all thought."

"What do you mean?"

"All that pain and loneliness drove Sonny to a dark, lonely place inside. He became sullen and angry most of the time, lashing out at even the most trivial things. He became apathetic, rude, and just an all-around pain in the ass. We even moved to a new neighborhood so that Sonny could have a fresh start in a new environment, but that didn't help. He started cutting classes and staying out late without telling us where he had been. Punishing didn't help. Pleading with him didn't help. His mother and I were at a loss on what to do. The psychologist said that after the bullying he had experienced when he was younger, Sonny was finally letting those repressed feelings of anger, helplessness, and resentment manifest itself."

"It's hard to imagine Sonny that way, looking at him now. How did he finally snap out of it?"

"We had some relatives on Rose's side who were priests. They mentioned that there was a Father Delvecchio who had recently transferred to the area who had dealt with kids with needs and had some success. At first, we were skeptical since we tried having our own church priest counsel Sonny and his efforts had failed. But since we had nothing to lose, we agreed to let Father Delvecchio to give it a shot."

"Let me guess. He worked a miracle on the first try," Barba replied with a hint of sarcasm.

"Hardly. It took months of effort, persistence, and lots and lots of patience. Sonny had dealt with plenty of counselors before and in his frame of mind, he wasn't about let another get one over on him. But Father Delvecchio never gave up on Sonny. And let me tell you, there were moments that would have tried the patience of a saint."

"Oh, I know the feeling well. It sounds like you and your wife were at your wits' end."

"For most of that ordeal, we were. The real come-to-Jesus moment was when Sonny got caught vandalizing school property."

"He did WHAT?" Barba replied in complete shock.

"Hard to believe, right? Since he was a minor and it was his first offense, they let him off with a warning as long as he paid for the damages and went on probation. Sonny didn't want to hear the riot act from us again so he called Father Delvecchio to come get him. It turns out that the Padre paid for the damages right then and there out of his own pocket. When asked why he did it, his response was simply that everyone makes mistakes and that no one was perfect. Most importantly, he told Sonny that he believed in second chances, and that he believed in him. It turned out that Father Delvecchio, himself had also gone through a rough childhood, dealing with parents who were drug addicts that practically left him to fend for himself. It struck a familiar chord with Sonny who had struggled with the feelings of helplessness and unresolved anger. I mean, here was this stranger who was helping him out of a jam, without asking for anything for return. It made Sonny realize it wasn't too late to turn his life around. Things finally started taking a turn for the better for him not long after that. It wasn't easy, but it was worth it. Rose and I never knew about the incident until we saw Father Delvecchio again at Sonny's graduation from St. John's University when he told us the whole story."

"If you told me all of this to soften me up, then mission accomplished."

"Honestly Rafael, I didn't come here with any ulterior motives. I just wanted you to understand Sonny better so that you could see where he was coming from. I've always prided myself in allowing my children to live their own lives with minimal interference from me. But when it comes to Sonny, I can't just sit back and watch him suffer. Not again. Couldn't you meet him half-way and work this out between you two?"

"It's not as simple as you think, Dominick. There are other factors to consider. And with all due respect, this is really between me and Sonny."

"Fair enough. But I think you should know that he probably blames himself more than you blame yourself."

"Is that the truth or just an educated guess?"

"Just an observation. As you well know, Sonny takes everything personally. When I was sidelined during my heart attack a few years ago, he put his plans for law school on hold so that he could take care of the family. He also siphoned the money he was going to use for school to help pay for all the medical bills."

"He really was a good boy scout after all," Barba murmured softly. So that was the reason why Sonny had to go to law school at night while working full time as a detective at 1 PP. Barba's respect for him grew a hundred fold.

"What did you say?"

"Oh, nothing. I was just thinking about something he once told me in passing."

"I'll never forget what Sonny told me before my operation. He said, 'Don't worry, Pop. I'll take care of things while you're in here. I promise, I won't let you and Ma down again. You'll see. I'll make you both proud of me again.' Even after all those years, he still felt guilty for something that was out of his control."

Barba felt like his heart was going to break in two. How could he ever doubt Sonny or his motivations?

"Deep down, I've always thought your son was special. I never knew just how much, until today."

Dominick smiled gently. "Yeah, he's pretty special all right."

"Thank you for telling me. I can see why family is so important to Sonny. If my father had a fraction of the patience you have, maybe I could have had a better relationship with him. He passed away over 15 years ago."

"I'm sorry, Rafael. I'm sure he was proud of you."

"He was...in his own way."

"Well, I'd better take my leave. I do hope that you and Sonny can work this out. You would make a terrific son-in-law."

Barba's cheeks turned bright red in response. Apparently, tact wasn't exactly a strong attribute in the Carisi family. "Hold on. You never told me how you found out about what happened between me and Sonny."

"Oh that. Let's just say that a mother knows and leave it that."

"Don't tell me that my mother put you up to this," Barba replied suspiciously.

"All right, I won't then," the older man replied succinctly before making his exit.

When Dominick reached his car, he received an incoming text message from Lucia Barba. She had probably been waiting on pins and needles. He began typing a response and replied, "Mission accomplished. It's all up to them now."

"Thanks for your help. Did Rafael sound any closer to changing his mind?"

"No, but I gave him a lot to think about."

"Let's hope that stubborn son of mine gets his act together or I'll REALLY give him something to think about."

Dominick chuckled in response. He always thought that his wife, Rose was a handful until he met Rafael's mother. Lucia Barba was a force of nature. He was just glad that they were on the same side.


Upload date: 16Jan2018

A/N: Barba and Sonny are sure stubborn, aren't they?

Thank you as always, for reading and supporting my labor of love! I always appreciate the comments and encouragement.