Daniel POV
March 1998 Colorado Springs
It's the first day back on earth since Sha're's mother suggested to her that she was pregnant. She was in the bathroom for a long time, and I've been waiting. Sha're's mother may be very open about all things reproductive, but Sha're's pretty shy about it. Sha're would be horrified if I actually saw something she peed on.
"So?" I ask.
She slides into bed. "You can leave off the maybe when you talk to maybe baby," she says.
I slide my hand on to its rightful place on her stomach, "So, how do you feel about it?"
"I'm starting to remember how much I love babies. How they are the only people who love Shakespeare as much as me," she says.
"Babies would be fascinated with anything you said Sha're, it's the voice" I protest.
"But particularly Shakespeare," she says, "And the way it feels when the fall asleep in your arms, and the smell, and nursing," she says with a smile.
"So we're excited about our new baby?" I ask.
"Yeah," she said with that contented smile.
-0-
Sha'uri's POV
May 1998 Colorado Springs
"Uh! Why do we have to memorize the states? I can look it up if I ever need to know it!" Hess whines.
"Education is what you know, not what's in the book," I quote from the tablet Dan'yel tried to bet on so long ago when he was really betting on me.
"And he who understands music understands the cosmos," Davie adds, quoting another saying from the rock. Then he starts singing, "When I was young I studied U.S. geography, my teacher said, would you stand up," he stands up, "and say the states for me…."
Soon Hess and Davie are both singing the song. Aki doesn't like noise like this. He moves into the corner with a book. "Hey sweetie," I say moving toward him.
"Want me to read for you?" I ask.
He shakes his head, "Aki," he says pointing to himself.
I smile at him, "Aki wants to read?" I ask.
He nods, "On the last day of summer, ten hours before fall, my grandfather took me out to the wall…"
"Hess, did you ever read the Butter Battle to your brother?" I ask.
"I don't know mom, maybe once," she says going back to singing.
"How about your father, does he read you the Butter Battle?" I ask.
"Dad HATES Dr. Seuss," Hess reminds me. Of course I knew that, it's one of my husband's more serious character flaws.
"'Cause he's reading it, and I want to know if it's a memorized thing, or if your brother can read," I say nearly shaking in excitement.
"Get him another book," Hess says with a roll of her eyes.
I run into the nursery, and fish through the books for something he probably hasn't been read a million times. I come up with a Children's dictionary. He opens the cover, flips a few pages, and sees a picture of stars. He pauses, touches it and says, "Stars."
I'm as disappointed as can be, but try not to show it, "Yeah honey, those are stars."
Then he touches the word next to the stars, and looks at me. Well, at least he knows that words say something, "Astronomy," I say.
He mouths the word a few times before hesitantly trying it aloud, "As..tom..ny," he says uncertainly.
"That's right Astronomy," I repeat.
He looks back at the page, "The study of stars, pl…nts, and the…" he looks at me again."
"Universe!" I say. I pick him up and hold him tight. He only likes hugs he can expect, predict, and control, so he's trying to squirm out of my arms.
"Baby you can read!" I exclaim. He covers his ears from my too loud sound. Davie and Hess are staring at us.
"I could read when I was three," Hess points out, "He's already four."
"This is a little bit different baby," I say. She rolls her eyes, because she really, really, hates to be called baby.
I hear a knock at the door. I put down Aki, and go answer it. Catherine is standing there with her firm face on, "Time for you nap," she says.
"Seven year olds don't take naps," Hess informs her.
"Neither do eight year olds," Davie adds for good measure.
"Oh, I'm talking to Sha're," Catherine says with a grin.
"Catherine, I do not need a nap," I protest, aware that I sound a lot like the kids right now.
"Direct orders from my son, he said if you resisted I could use a zat. But since we don't know what the consequences of using a zat are on a baby…" she says.
"Catherine, A'kili can read!" I proclaim hoping this will be enough to distract her from sending me to bed.
"Aki Bakey is that true?" she asks him grinning at him. He's in the corner staring at his book, probably trying to avoid all the social interaction going on. "Well good, Aki can read to me while the other two do this science experiment I found…" she says. That's better than a bribe of candy to those two, and she knows it. Unless I can offer something messier and more fun than whatever exploding chemistry set is in her bag I'm finished.
"Twenty minutes," I say.
"Two hours," she bargains.
"One hour," I say narrowing my eyes at her.
"Deal," she says extending her hand to shake mine.
-0-
Sha'uri's POV
September 1998 Colorado Springs
Dan'yel was working on translating something in his study. Whenever he can bring home something to work on he does. He says he'd rather be interrupted by his family than the military.
"What Sha're?" he calls rolling his chair far enough into the doorway of his study that his voice easily carries out into the kitchen where the kids are studying.
"I didn't say anything," I respond. Dan'yel shrugs and rolls back into his office.
-0-
I hear a scream and I rush into Dan'yel's study. "What's wrong?" I ask. One of his hands is locked on the closet door, and he's screaming in horror at the empty closet.
"Dan'yel," I say. He doesn't respond. I get between him and the closet, "Dan'yel!" I shout. He doesn't respond but just falls limp. I'm barely strong enough to lower him to the ground. I feel for a pulse like I've seen Janet do in the infirmary. His heart is still beating, and his breath is still coming out. I let out the breath I didn't even know I was holding.
I grab the phone, and rush back to his side while I dial. "Janet, Dan'yel just passed out," I say.
-0-
Sha'uri's POV
September 1998 SGC
I see those bright blue eyes open. "Hey," I say with a smile whipping those long locks away from his face.
"Hey," he says with a worried look on his face.
I move closer to him, "Dan'yel," what happened? I ask.
"Do you believe in ghosts?" he asks.
Oh, this so doesn't sound. "No, Dan'yel, I don't believe in ghosts, or demons, or gods," I say.
"Well, neither do I. Which means there has to be a logical explanation," he says. Ok, logical explanation that sounded more promising.
"What are you trying to explain?" I ask.
He takes a deep breath, "On our last mission we found a bunch of former hosts dead. Since then I've been hearing voices."
"Voices," I say carefully.
"And I see the Gou'ald's that died," he says.
"Saw them where?" I say. He doesn't answer. "The closet?" I say. He nods.
"I don't think they're dead," he says.
"The Gou'ald?" I say.
He nods, "I translated a phrase on that tablet that I thought meant attack, but when I refined the translation I realized it means to enter by infiltration."
"And you think they were coming through the closet of our house?" I asked hoping he would realize how crazy that sounded.
He puts his hand on my stomach, and says sadly "Seems like I'm always in the infirmary when you're pregnant."
"That's because you're always in the infirmary," I tease, "How do you think the Gou'ald got into your closet?"
He smiles, "Let's not talk about this."
"Gambler, It's probably better you tell me than people who already may think you are…" I say.
He sits up with that face he always wears when he's got a really exciting theory, "What if they used some sort of technology to transform their bodies into…I don't know, energy…or something."
"Well this galaxy just keeps getting better and better if the evil parasitic aliens can now turn into energy and sneak into people's closets."
He gives me a glare, which clearly implies I'm failing in my role as a supportive wife, "Or something. I don't know exactly how, Sam can figure that part out. The point is, they're here. They've entered by infiltration, and now they want me as a host."
"All of them?" I ask.
"I'm not crazy," he says.
"Ok, I know, let's figure this out," I say. I really hope he's not going crazy. I mean besides the fact that I love him and want him to be happy, I really don't think I can be wife to an insane man, and mother of three including one autistic child. I don't think I'm that strong.
"Why are you the only one who can see them? Why didn't they come through Jack's closet…aside from the fact that yours is cleaner?" I tease.
"I don't know," he says. "Mom has the kids?" he asks.
"Your parents are double teaming them," I say.
Dr. Fraiser walks in looking apologetic. It's probably because Dan'yel's hand is still on my stomach. She should realize that his hand pretty much lives there the whole time I'm pregnant. "Sha're, Dr. Mackenzie wants to talk to you," she says softly.
I take a deep breath, and give my husband a smile he's so going to know is fake.
"Mrs. Littlefield," he says, "Dr. Littlefield has experienced what I characterize as a first break psychotic episode, which may be manifesting full-blown hebephrenic-schizophrenia."
I sit down, "You're saying he's crazy?"
"Dr. Littlefield's dopamine levels have increased in the left hemisphere of his brain. All these symptoms are textbook schizophrenia. Daniel has paranoid delusions, auditory and visual hallucinations, and we think it may be linked to gate travel," Dr. Mackenzie says.
"How could this happen so fast? I mean before four hours ago he did nothing out of the ordinary. I'd know if my husband was going nuts." He doesn't say anything, "Alright, let's pretend for a minute I think he's nuts. What can you do to fix him?"
"For now we're going to medicate him and let him rest in one of the VIP rooms. But if his symptoms persist or he becomes a threat to himself or anyone else…we'll have to commit him to Mental Health, Mackenzie says.
-0-
My kids were here to see Dan'yel, and they just left. It was probably ill advised to have them come see their dad. But he misses them. I miss them, it's been a full day. I've never been away from them that long.
But more importantly I trust Dan'yel. Even if he is nuts (which I doubt) he's not going to do anything to hurt or scare his kids.
"Another game of chess?" I ask.
"Sha're you don't have to stay," he says.
"Sorry, you're stuck with me," I say with a smirk, "Maybe you should have read the fine print on that tablet before you bet. Then you'd have been warned, 'When you're at the dealing table, always look for the sucker- and make sure it isn't you.' He laughs. "Don't laugh, if you'd taken that advice you never would have been married. You'd be a free man," I say.
"I'd be a miserable man," He says pulling me close, "I am the luckiest man in the world that I won that particular game of chance," he says, "You are the best prize in the galaxy, and ours kids," he grins, "Pretty lucky man."
"So it's good that you didn't read the tablet until after we got married," I said. Suddenly he glances at the cabinet behind him. "What's wrong?" I ask cautiously.
"Nothing!" he says with the kind of a smile that only I would know was fake.
"Dan'yel?" I ask again. He's looking at my back.
"No! Sha're!" he screams making a grab at something on my neck.
"I'm ok, Dan'yel," I say trying to lock eyes with him and calm him down.
"There's a Goa'uld in you! I've got to get it out!" He shouts digging at my neck with both hands. It's not really painful, but this isn't normal behavior.
"Dan'yel! Husband, there's no Goa'uld in me!" I say grabbing his wrists. I know I'm not strong enough to actually hold him, but I figured it would snap him out of it.
I was right. His face goes pale. "God, Sha're, I'm sorry, so sorry. I saw it. I thought you were being taken over by a Gou'ald. I'm so sorry," he says, and he starts to go down again. He's already in a chair so it's easy to lower him down.
-0-
Daniel's POV
September 1998 Mental Health Services, Colorado Springs
They have been telling me that I'm crazy. I know that I've been doing things that crazy people do. I freaked out on Sha're. Hence the patted room. I know I'm seeing things that aren't there, and that's what crazy is right? So how come my mind is still working? Still reasoning? Still here? How come I'm still thinking?
I guess being crazy is going to be way worse than I ever imagined. Poor Nick.
-0-
Sha'uri's POV
September 1998 Mental Health Services, Colorado Springs
"He's not crazy," I insist. I've been saying this for the past two days, and have even stopped believing it myself.
"Don't expect much. If he becomes agitated, call the aides," Mackenzie says.
"Sha're?" Dan'yel asks.
"Hey," I say bending down next to him. He's leaning against a padded wall. One hand reaches out and touches my huge stomach, "What happened to your glasses babe?" I ask.
"They took away my glasses in case I broke the lenses and uh…tried to…hurt myself," he says. That thought of that scares me. He reaches a hand up and touches my cheek, "Don't worry, I'm the luckiest man alive remember? Not going to kill myself."
"They treating you ok?" I ask touching his cheek.
He nods, "I'm so sorry, Sha're."
"What are you sorry for?" I ask.
"For being such a head case," he says with something between a laugh and a cry.
"It's not your fault, Dan'yel. You're going to be fine," I say.
He leans forward, "Do you hear the footsteps?"
"No footsteps, babe, stay with me," I say massaging his arm.
He does a weird laugh, "He's right there Sha're, he's right there."
"You are ok babe," I say leaning against the wall.
"He's there…he's there!" he shouts.
"If you could calm down I'd appreciate it. If they hear you yelling they'll make me leave," I say putting my arm around him.
"Sha're you should go," He says calming down, "You don't have to hang out with your crazy husband."
"You're going to be find," I say.
He looks at me.
"What?" I ask.
"You just said "find" instead of "fine" just like Aki," he says smiling, and for one second he's my husband. We have an almost normal conversation for a while, and then SG-1 comes to see him. I give him a kiss. He helps heave my large pregnant body off the floor.
-0-
"He's been refusing to take his meds," Dr. Mackenzie said.
"I'll try to convince him, but my Dan'yel is a very stubborn man," I say worried. I saw what he was like with the medicine. I'm terrified of what he'll be like without it.
I kneel down in front of him, "Husband of my heart, I heard you stopped taking your meds."
His eyes light on me, and I'm terrified. I've never seen them this clouded. Not even when he was addicted to the sarcophagus.
"Uh, I don't uh…I don't need anymore drugs. What I need is to get the ones they've given me out of my system."
"Dan'yel you need medicine to get better," I say.
"Sha're is Teal'c sick?" he asks.
I try to hide my surprise, but my husband reads me like a book.
"He is then. He is. Why have you guys decided I'm crazy? That I'm dangerous, I'm out of control?" he pauses and looks at me, "It's 'cause I'm kinda acting that way, aren't I? I just…I just need to get these drugs out of my system."
"Honey, I would love it if that was true. But this isn't the kind of thing that you get better from all at once," actually we know schizophrenics don't get better, they get worse.
"It is if there was an alien organism inside you making you think that you were sick when you really weren't," he says.
"How did you get it?" I ask.
"Wait, you believe me?" he asks.
"Dan'yel, you know where you worked, it wouldn't be the strangest thing that's happened there. Besides, you look drugged, not sick,' I tell him. I'm really hoping I'm not wrong.
"You won't let them drug me?" he says sounding like a paranoid schizophrenic again.
"No, babe, I'll guard you myself if I need to. We'll try it your way for a while. But if you don't get better in a day or you start getting worse I'll let them hold you down and give you your meds," I warn.
"Sha're, I don't deserve you," he sobs leading his head on my shoulder.
"Hey, there is something about me being pregnant that always ends with you detoxing from drugs," I tease.
"Hey, not with Hess," he protests.
"This mean we're going to have a boy?" I ask playfully.
"Maybe it's just that I didn't know what parenthood was like the first time. So I wasn't wise enough to drug up in anticipation," he teases, slipping a hand over the baby in me.
"Then you should do the drug thing after the baby is born, not before," I point out.
-0-
Sha'uri's POV
September 1998 SGC
"His dopamine levels are back to normal," Janet says.
"That is because I'm back to normal," he says to her. "You don't have to treat me with kid gloves anymore," he says.
"I never did Babe," I say.
"You have to get those things out of Teal'c. They are a little worm, about this big," but he's so excited that he forgets to show how big, "I became sane when it crawled out of me into him," he tells me.
I'm not really sure if this was a hallucination or not. "Dan'yel, why did these things leave you?"
"Well, I think it was because I didn't have a Gou'ald in me. I think they are made to kill the Gou'ald and leave the host intact. The only problem is killing the Gou'ald Teal'c carries will kill Teal'c," Dan'yel says.
-0-
Daniel's POV
September 1998 SGC
Those worms. Those crazy robot worms. Like a landmine. A device made to kill by a man who is dead. Dead because of me. But he isn't trying to kill me. Kill, kill, kill, the vial Gou'ald.
Stop.
Deep breath. Think like you used to. You aren't crazy. You were never crazy. You had a machine inside your brain. Then drugs. You were never crazy.
They are not dead. They came for you. You HEARD their footsteps. You SAW them. They wanted you. Needed hosts. Kill, kill, kill, the vial Gou'ald.
Stop.
Deep breath. Not crazy. Never was crazy. I am NOT my Grandfather. I just saw and heard thing that weren't. For a little bit. Now it's gone. It's over. Just have to get control. Be sane. Save Teal'c.
Kill, kill, kill, the vial Gou'ald.
-0-
Sha're smiles at me, "That thing with Sam's blood, it worked." I smile back at her. In an effort to save Teal'c, Sam, Janet, and Jack all got infected with the Gou'ald. Sam had a crazy plan to save him. Apparently, not so crazy, not like me.
"Sha're, I'm so sorry," I say.
"For what?" she asks.
"For being crazy," I say.
"You weren't crazy," she said, "and you already asked forgiveness for that. I'd forgive you if you'd done anything wrong. But where there is no wrongdoing there can be no forgiveness."
Kill, kill, kill, the vial Gou'ald. But it is now only an echo. An echo that is fading in a head which is relearning to trust my eyes, to trust my ears. A mind again learning to be logical.
"Teal'c's ok?" I ask.
"He's going to be," she says with a smile.
-0-
Sha're's POV
October 1998 SGC
"Pick her up again, Dan'yel," I plead.
He lays the tiny baby, unwrapped much the nurses aggravation on my stomach again. He picks her up, and I watch her arms for any tensing, stiffing, or flinching. I see nothing.
"Again, Dan'yel," I say.
"I'm done," he says, "I've picked this little thing up twenty times and she hadn't given off so much as a normal startle response. She's fine. Do you hear me? I get that you're worried. But she's fine, and I'm going to hold my daughter."
He wraps her up, and holds him close to him with a look like he's protecting her from me.
"I've decided on her name," I say.
He grins, "I still have veto power," he reminds me.
"I know, Pen'dra-loved," I say.
"She is at that isn't she?" he says, "Aside from people calling her Panda it's a good name."
"Is that a veto?" I ask.
"More like a threat," he says, "Right Panda Bear?" he asks her.
We're quiet for a while, "Dan'yel you do know that just because I worried Pen'dra is autistic, doesn't mean that…" she says.
"…you don't love Aki. I know that. Just because you wished your kid didn't have a disability, doesn't mean you wished they didn't exist," he says smoothly.
"But it does though, almost," I say. It's something I'd been thinking about for a long time, and something I'd feel much to guilty talking to anyone but him about, "I mean if Aki wasn't autistic a lot of the things that make him him would not exist. Most of what we call Aki is autism. If we woke up tomorrow and Aki wasn't autistic we'd be getting to know a whole new kid." I pause looking into his eyes hoping he understands, hoping he gets it, and won't judge me.
"Yet," he says, "there are parts that are just Aki. And sometimes, sometimes he lets you into his brain for lie a second, and you just long for…for the time when Aki could be Aki. Aki could be free."
"Exactly," I say. Our eyes are locked on one another for a long moment before Pen'dra lets out an earth shattering scream. Hess just sort of whimpered, Aki protested in an almost speech like way, but Dra screams. Couldn't we have a kid normal enough to cry? Just one?
-0-
"Hey, baby sister," Hesina says in English, than she glances at me, "Will baby sister speak our secret languages mom?" she asks. I nod, and she repeats the message in Abydonian, Gou'ald, and Nox.
"Aki," Dan'yel says lifting him up, "Come see your new sister."
Aki looks at the baby critically, and then looks at his big sister. Pen'dra lets out a blood curdling scream for no apparent reason.
Aki covers his ears, and Dan'yel lifts him away. I calm down Dra and Dan'yel brings Aki back. Aki is still a little bit on edge.
"My sister is LOUD," he says accusingly. His language has grown by amazing amounts since he started to read. Pronouns, articles, and description words have all slunk in to his speech. In fact his speech often sounds normal to a casual observer. But it still pretty much just consists of commands. What he says seems like an observations, but anyone who knows him knows they're really more like commands. It's like he's saying, "Don't let that baby cry again". He's not going to like it when this is one command we cannot obey. Also, Aki doesn't answer questions, except the five or so I've spend hours training to him to answer. The thing which worries me the most is that he doesn't eavesdrop. A normal child if alone in a room of adults listens to what they are saying. Aki plays in the corner. Still, his speech sounds normal if you don't know him well. If you don't look too close.
"Babies are loud," I tell him.
"I don't like loud," Aki protests crinkling up his nose.
"You were a loud baby with poopy diapers once, and now you grew up to be a nice little boy," Hess says.
"I was not a baby," Aki says crossing his arms.
"Of course you were," his sister says rolling her eyes, "Everybody started out as a baby inside their mommy's tommy, and then a baby outside their mommy's tommy, and then a little kid, and then a big kid, and then a teenager, and then a grown up. Isn't that right?" she says looking at her father and I.
I nod.
"I was not a baby," Aki repeats. I know that Hess's explanation was too long, and that he got lost in the middle somewhere. Six words is about Aki's limit. But this really isn't important. We can give the kid a biology lesson some other time.
Unfortunely my daughter is not ready to let it go, "You were too a baby, wasn't he?" she asks support from us.
"Yes, but honey, let's not fight over this," I caution.
"See, you were a baby, and I remember it," Hess says.
"I was not a baby," Aki repeats again. He's not angry, and he's missing that his sister is. Usually he gets the basic emotions. He doesn't really know what to do about them, except move away from anger, hug sadness, and laugh at happiness. But he usually gets those if there not well hidden. This time though he's missing the anger.
"Sweetie, let it go," I tell Hess.
"Why do I always have to let it go? Why doesn't he? He's wrong!" she shouts and stomps out of the room. Dan'yel scurries after her.
-0-
Daniel's POV
October 1998 SGC
I catch Hess about three steps out of the infirmary doors. I swing her up and around even though she's getting too big for this.
"Let's go have a chat sweetie," I say.
"I was right," she says crossing her arms.
"Of course you were. People as smart as you almost always are," I say setting her down and taking her hand as we walk toward my office, "But most of life isn't about being right or wrong. It's about being nice or mean."
"I was being nice. I was telling him the truth, and telling the truth is good," she says.
"Yes, it is good. But good and nice are different too. I'm not telling you to lie. There are just some things that are not worth the fight. Sometimes it's just more important to get along than to be right."
"But if everyone thought that way we'd all be stupid," she says.
"True, but hun, no one is ever going to be as smart as you, and you brother certainly isn't. You're going to have to accept that, sometimes you aren't going to have people agree with you. You'll have to agree to disagree," I say smiling.
"Why isn't Aki ever going to be as smart as me?" she asks, and she looks up at me with so much trust in her eyes. We'd tried to explain this, but she's only seven, and we probably didn't do it right.
"Hess," I say bending down and fiddling with that hair, so much like her mothers, "Your brother is autistic." She nods. She's heard that word a lot. "That means his mind works different. He's never going to think like you."
"I know that Daddy, everyone's mind works different," she says.
"Right, hun, but this is…a different kind of different. It's like how…how it took him a lot longer to learn to talk. A lot of things are going to take him a lot longer," I try.
"I know, but he's only like a little behind. Like he talks pretty good now. So in a few years he won't be behind at all. Right?" she asks a little concerned.
"Maybe sweetie," her face lights up, "But probably not. This isn't going to go away. He'll get better, but he might not ever be like a normal little brother. He might always need a little help," and for the first time I realize that's true. That someday when Sha're and I are dead Hess and Dra are going to be looking after my son. And it hurts.
"What's wrong Daddy?" she asks.
"Just thinking about how your brother is always going to need a little help," I say and my voice betrays me with a little sob.
"I'm a very good helper, Daddy," she says.
"I know that, I know that," I say picking her up and hugging her. And in the end, if you have to trust your kids to someone besides yourself, who better than your own children?
