Disclaimer: This piece is a sequel to my first story "To fall below adversity" so I suggest if you haven't already, to read that one first. Further warning, this is also going to be angsty and somewhat dark and depressing story at times; like my first one. I don't own CSI or anything relating to them, I'm just borrowing them to satisfy my stupid brain. Any references to real life events; anything I may have read, seen or heard are completely unintentional and coincidental. I gain nothing from this other than to finally get this idea to stop repeating in my head. So please don't sue me or threaten to kill me. If this offends you in any way or it just plain sucks, I apologize that you've wasted several minutes of your life you'll never get back. Just pretend you never saw this, know for future reference to avoid it at all costs should you ever see the title again, and go on with your life. Any and all mistakes are mine. Also, any names, places or references are purely fictional! I have taken liberties to make this interesting and keep it flowing, so not everything is going to be 100% realistic and true to life.
A/N: Hello all! Thank you so so much Candi and Rach5 for the reviews! Sorry this took so long...I'm still struggling to get this the way I had originally planned. I'm honestly not satisfied with the overall flow of this story...I fear I just took too long getting this out and have lost the vibe from my first story. For those of you kind enough to still follow this, thank you so much and I'm sorry if you are disappointed. Take care everyone!
For several minutes Catherine finds herself sitting on the edge of the hotel bed silently watching Sara sleep, lost in worry and regret. She carefully shifts her weight into a more comfortable position while trying not to shake the bed and awaken the younger woman. After much discussion, Catherine and Jim decided it would be best to stop off for the night in a hotel just inside Vegas and make arrangements for Sara to go to the hospital in the morning.
Despite her best efforts to appear calm and in control, Catherine is absolutely terrified. There are so many unknowns and so much that could be wrong. Top on her list of worries is the epilepsy. She is certain that Sara didn't happen to take a two month supply of her medications with her on her self-imposed exile and she wonders how many seizures she most have suffered alone. God only knows what drugs she has been taking...and how they combine with preexisting epilepsy...
Watching the shallow, uneven rise and fall of Sara's chest, Catherine can't fight the growing unease she feels building in her stomach. Sara's obviously using IV drugs...she could have contracted something...her poor lost love...she could have anything at this point.
Feeling the fear for her love overwhelm her, Catherine slowly inches her way closer to Sara before gently laying down beside her, placing a protective arm around the younger woman's shoulders. Holding her while she sleeps in her drug induced haze; Catherine's eyes fill up with tears at the sight of her love. The woman in front of her is a shell of the person she used to be. Even when she was in a coma she looked more alive and well compared to what she looks like now. And the truly scary part is, that wasn't even very long ago. She's just happy they found her when they did...because given the state she's in, Catherine feels she wouldn't have survived much longer. As it is, she knows there is going to be a long road to recovery ahead of them...again.
She knew that Sara had a history of drug abuse and cutting in the past as a means to help numb the pain of her tortured soul and she feels she should have known her love would react like this. Hell, she had seen bits and pieces of her self destructive ways last year...although this is much, much worse. But they had overcome it together...which should have happened this time as well. That is, if anyone had told her what was really going on...that the so called professionals had accused, belittled, and blamed Sara for their struggles as a family.
Catherine loosens her grip on Sara's shoulder slightly and shakes her own head slightly to release the growing tension. She can feel her own heart rate begin to pick up its pace in anger that the stupid system did this to Sara...blaming her for Catherine's own mistake. Why did she have to take those damn pills?...
A sudden stirring next to her breaks her train of thoughts and she gently rubs Sara's upper arm to see if she will go back to sleep.
Mumbled grunts of displeasure tell her that she's not.
"N-no touching allowed...g-get off me!"
I swear to God...if one more person tries to cop a feel, I'm going to tear off whatever part of them is touching me and shove it where the sun don't shine! Isn't there any honour among thieves? ...like come on guys...can't a girl drug herself into oblivion in peace now a days?
Even in her semi conscious state, Sara's brow furrows into an annoyed frown as she turns her upper body away from the offending person, curling herself into a ball while bringing her arms up to cover her head.
Afraid to irritate her and unsure of how much awareness Sara has of the situation, Catherine quickly complies and gets off the bed and scurries to the corner of the room observing her confused love.
Feeling the presence gone, Sara sluggishly rolls onto her back before looking around with droopy, swollen eyes to see if her bra and underwear have been touched.
If they dared to try to take off my bra again I'll show them why I was a CSI...not even Grissom will be able to find their bodies...
As Catherine continues to hide her presence, the implications of seeing Sara check her undergarments leave her trying to suppress the sob that follows. It is only a small insight into the the type of life her love had been exposed to for far too long. Catherine quickly glances down at her shaking hands before putting one hand on her chest in an attempt to calm herself down. She can feel herself losing the battle against the growing panic attack and she knows if doesn't slow her breathing down she may just pass out.
Still unaware that there is anyone else in the room, Sara stumbles off the bed and heads to the washroom. She doesn't know where or why she's here...but she'll never miss the opportunity to use mouthwash and a shower.
Shock and fear keep Catherine rooted to her spot in the corner. As much as she wants to follow Sara to make sure she's okay, Catherine is tentative to make her presence known...she really should have come up with a better game plan...she has no idea what she should actually be doing. Hearing the water still running loudly, Catherine allows herself a quick cry as she regains control over her mind and body. She slides her body down the wall into a crouched position as the dizzy fog clears from her mind. She has to pull herself together and be strong for Sara...she just has to.
Exiting the washroom freshly clean and refreshed, Sara pads out loosely wrapped in a towel and searches for her torn and tattered bag.
Catherine watches in silent horror at the emaciated appearance of her love. Sara was still thin from her hospitalization a year ago, but she had started to fill out a little bit...now her bones are practically poking through her skin. Catherine has seen corpses that look more alive than Sara. Her arms, legs and abdomen are marked with small scars and Catherine wonders how many of them were self-inflicted. Perhaps most frightening of all are her eyes; her beautiful, soulful, inquisitive eyes are now dull and lifeless. For a split second she can't help but wish they were both dead...no two people should have to experience this much suffering in their life.
Watching Sara continue to riffle through her bag, Catherine finds herself pondering what it would feel like if they both just overdosed on whatever IV drug Sara is taking...but she quickly shakes the thought away as she remembers Jim downstairs in the lobby making the arrangements to get Sara into detox.
Catherine knows that for the time being, Sara will have to use again so her body doesn't go into withdrawal...so she says nothing as Sara preps and injects her grossly thin arm with the poisonous drug. She can't take her eyes away as Sara withdraws the plunger and her blood mingles and dances with the drug before the concoction is slowly plunged into her vein.
As the drug takes its hold, Sara's eyes once again begin to glaze over and lazily roll back. Remembering the drug induced, semi responsive state she was in when they found her, Catherine takes the chance and gets up before gently climbing onto the bed next to her love, sighing deeply.
"Oh, my sweet Sara...what have you suffered all alone...I'm so sorry..."
Oh good...it's starting to kick in already...I haven't seen you in a while babe...or did I...I don't know, I'm just glad to see you again. It's almost as good as seeing you in person...even better if you consider that I'm not harming anyone this way...not even I could screw up an illusion's life...could I? I for one enjoy our daily drug induced vision talks. It's the nice part of being high...before your body starts to physically flip out and feel crappy...it's the nice period when my mind conjures up things you could be doing and we have a nice little chat...until things start to get too intense...but I have the solution for that...more drugs! ...but then you go away because I pass out...but then you come back again later so it's all good...but I digress...
Eyes heavy and glazed, Sara wobbly turns toward Catherine and addresses her in a casual manner.
"I hope you're doing well babe. I wonder if you're out of that place yet? They better have treated you well."
Perplexed at the sudden calm conversation, Catherine softly answers that they did.
Figuring from her calm demeanor that Sara probably doesn't know that she's really sitting right there, Catherine decides to use this uninhibited moment to get as much information from the past two months as she can...as long as Sara doesn't get too distressed.
"They were actually really nurturing and informative there...although they weren't to you were they?"
A sluggish shake of her head is the only response Catherine gets so she continues the one way conversation gently.
"They didn't tell me that they had spoken to you or that you had left the hospital. If I had known Sara, I wouldn't have allowed this to happen...I'm so sorry babe...none of what I did was your fault, you know that right?"
Sighing now herself, Sara slowly shakes her head again before adjusting herself to lean against the headboard and addressing her vision.
"No...no...they were right. I'm damaged in so many ways. I'll always be a burden to you...it's so much better for you this way. I should have done this way before...I don't know why I didn't. But it's okay now...things are finally better for everyone."
Stung by the detached and defeated tone in her voice, Catherine finds herself speechless as Sara continues to belittle herself.
"You know, I see Lindsay too sometimes...not as often as you though...and honestly, I'm not sure what's worse; seeing you guys when I know you're not real, or the fact I look forward to talking to you guys when somewhere in my twisted mind I know you're not real."
Pausing to let out a half laugh, Sara leans back away from Catherine and squints slightly.
"Ha...that didn't even make sense did it? Oh well, I know what I meant...you don't mind, do you?"
Finally able to find her voice, Catherine resists the urge to grab Sara's face and make her understand.
"Sara, I am so, so sorry! I'm sorry I left you all alone in pain. I'm sorry I gave up on you...I should have known you were too tough to die like that. I only attempted suicide because I thought you were about to die...I thought I was joining you in death...I was stupid, I know! And I'm so, so sorry!"
Catherine leans in closer to Sara and moves to kiss her on the forehead before the younger woman quickly pulls back.
"Hey, hey whoa...n-no...I don't have enough for many more hits here...I don't think I can deal with any more emotion right now...this is getting to be too much...I may have to ask you to go away now." Sara runs her quivering hand over her face and swallows hard. "You know, I really need to get more cash...this shit is expensive and goes away far too fast."
Wiping away the tears that are beginning to form in her eyes, she slowly shakes her head before letting out a half laugh, half sob.
"Not to mention, It's not strong enough anymore. I'm trying to numb away the pain...this isn't numb...this isn't okay."
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry...you're okay Sara." Catherine holds up her hands in surrender and immediately obeys. She unsuccessfully tries to fight back a sob herself. She thought seeing Sara bloody with doctors performing CPR on her was the worst she's seen her love...but this is a whole new level of pain.
As if someone flipped a switch, Sara quickly goes from anger to almost child-like hyperness as she skittishly glances around the room in confusion.
"Hey...how'd I get here anyway? I don't remember needing to go to a hotel..."
Before she can think up an answer, Catherine jumps in shock as dark red blood begins to pour from Sara's right nostril and drips off her chin.
Feeling the warm blood run down her face but still Unfazed, Sara sniffs and holds the corner of the towel to her face.
"Yeah...I know...It will stop in a minute...the inside of my nose is toast from all the coke...this happens all the time. Its good shit though...but bloody expensive. I've tried pretty much everything I can get my hands on...whatever it takes to feel numb...to make this all go away..."
Catherine can't suppress the body racking sob this time and Sara looks up at her confused for a moment before lowering the towel and leaning back away from her.
"I'm sorry Cath...don't be upset babe...I've been dead for a long time...I'm just waiting for my body to catch up. I promised I wouldn't commit suicide...I guess I only half broke that promise eh?"
Sara stops to check her nose before adjusting her weight to lean casually against the headboard again.
"Hopefully it won't be much longer now...I don't think it will be much longer. My chest hurts even when I'm high now...that's new. And I'm finding breathing more of a chore...especially since my nose is almost always clogged...the scar tissue must be massive. Not to mention the fact I haven't been on my Meds since forever...since...actually, I don't even know how long it's been. How long has it been since I left? I've totally lost all concept of time. I guess I'm just trying to take things hour by hour until it ends. Although,...I must say...this form of medication seems to be doing the trick."
Easily distracted once again, Sara raises her right hand and begins to gently rub on her sternum to try to relieve some of the growing tension; stopping only when the still slightly raised scar beneath the towel begins to take offense. Looking down at the thick line of healed tissue, she still can't believe that at one time this was the opening in which they cracked her chest...she had seen a few episodes of ER where someone yelled for a rib spreader...definitely and cringe and hug your pillow moment.
"You need help Sara."
The heartbreaking laugh that Sara emits nearly crushes Catherine's already waning resolve.
"Now that's a massive understatement! But you know, you don't have to worry...when I die, you'll at least get a little bit of money...you're my beneficiary...I wish I had more to leave you though. I hope you're happy and that you don't think about me or worry. I hope the program taught you to finally think about yourself first and move on with your life. I was a cancer to you Cath...I'm so sorry it took me this long to excise myself so you can heal."
Stopping to once again wipe away those pesky tears, Sara shakes her head and clears her throat. She's annoyed at herself for getting emotional...especially when she's high.
"I hope you're able to get away and go on a vacation or something...go spoil yourself...and don't think about me ever again...and never, ever blame yourself for my short comings...Shit...I really need to find some stronger stuff..."
Sara rubs her eyes again and pulls the loose towel further up and tighter around her body in a protective gesture before continuing.
"You know, I hope they don't have to inform you when I die...well I guess they kind of have to since you're the beneficiary...but that's why I left Vegas in the first place...so you wouldn't have to suffer as a result of my bullshit. No more hospitalizations...near death experiences...me always being the center of attention...hurting you over and over...ruining your life!"
Getting increasingly more agitated, Sara begins to slowly rock herself back and forth as her voice rises.
"I just wish that I had died that night instead of Lindsay!...Or at the very least, when I was shot in the chest!... Or even better yet, when my father hit me so hard he cracked my skull that time when I was bad..."
"Stop! That's enough Sara!"
Unable to hear it any longer, crying freely, Catherine reaches out to hug her broken love.
At the sudden contact Sara flinches confused and tries to pull away.
"Okay...whoa...I'm confused...and high...and confused...you're not real...this isn't real...so please go away and leave me alone now...I don't want to think anymore...I just want to be numb...so this is enough for today okay?"
Heart broken, Catherine leans closer and kisses her face and whispers how much she loves her while the tears endlessly stream down her face. She had thought she had felt the height of suffering already, but seeing Sara so broken and confused is opening a whole new layer of Hell.
For her part, now completely confused and with rising panic, Sara once again tries to pull away without avail. Instead, Catherine pulls her even tighter and continues to gently kiss her face and neck.
"I'm so sorry Sara...I'm so sorry! I'll never leave you again, I swear...I'm so sorry...I love you so much and nothing you say or do will ever change that!"
Growing tired from her rollorcoaster emotional state and feeling her body unwillingly begin to sober up, Sara allows herself a moment to remember the feeling of Catherine's arms around her and the warmth it provides.
"Where are we Cath? Are you real? Really real? How is this happening? This can't be happening!" Sara says quietly before trying to pull away once again and looking down ashamed.
"Please leave Cath. You can't be real...this hasn't happened before...I need more drugs...or a knife."
Panic begins to overtake her and she starts to shake and hyperventilate.
"No Sara! Let me help you. I can get you help...please just...just stay with me."
As both women cry, Sara finally manages to pull herself away and stumbles off the bed. Having landed on her hands and knees, she crawls into the corner of the room with her back against the wall.
Catherine is absolutely horrified and heartbroken. She finds herself rooted to the bed watching as Sara starts to rock her body back and forth, quietly talking to herself.
"No...no, you can't help me...I don't want help...I want to die. I wanted to die alone so I can't hurt anyone anymore. I can't do this again...I won't do this again...Oh God, how could this be happening? This can't be happening...this is all in my mind...right?..."
Before Catherine can reply, both women suddenly jump as the door opens and Jim walks in with a new set of clothes for Sara. The sight that greets him makes his blood run cold and his vision blur with tears. He stands frozen observing the devastated women.
Sara sobs and covers her face in shame at seeing her beloved father figure, still unsure of what is really happening. She's had her share of strange trips while high, but nothing as realistic as this. As improbable as it seems, she's actually starting to believe that this is real...and that thought alone sends her heart rate to dangerous levels.
Jim cautiously looks to a crying Catherine for approval before approaching the broken brunette in the corner.
Gently but firmly Jim grabs her skeletal body and pulls her to his chest while whispering in her ear that everything is going to be okay.
"Sara...I love you...like a daughter...and I am going to help you get through this okay? Do you hear me sweetheart? You are going to get through this."
Jim gets no response as Sara continues to shake as the panic attack worsens. Without loosening his hold on the trembling woman, Jim looks back up at Catherine with concern at Sara's worsening condition.
Now fueled with worry, Catherine pulls herself off the bed and angrily wipes her eyes free of tears as she snatches Sara's old bag and kneels on the floor in front of Sara and Jim.
Placing her fingers on Sara's throat, Catherine jumps slightly in surprise before taking Sara's head in both her hands, forcing the distraught woman to look at her.
"Sara...babe...your heart is pounding out of your chest. What can you take to make yourself feel better? We need to calm you down and bring your pulse down okay?"
Continuing to sob and hyperventilate, Sara shakes her head no, as her sunken eyes flutter and start to roll back.
Fear rising, Catherine now roughly grabs Sara's head and forces her to look her in the eye.
"You promised you would never intentionally hurt me Sara! If you know how, you make this better now!"
"N-no...I-I don't know...this...this is different. Are you really real? I'm so sorry! You weren't supposed to ever see me like this...I'm so sorry Cath...I'm sorry!"
The muffled slur of Sara's voice sends waves of panic through both Catherine and Jim as they watch helplessly as Sara's brow furrow in pain as she coughs against the growing tightness in her throat.
Jim tries to readjust his hold to keep her safe and comfortable as he feels her body going limp.
"It's okay Sara, I love you okay...and nothing will ever change that...ever. But you need to concentrate and tell me; will you overdose if you take another hit? You are having a pretty bad panic attack and if the drug will help you, we need to try it. Change of plans…we are going to have to get you out of here tonight so we can get you help...but we have to get your heart rate down first. Can you do this Sara?"
Catherine forces herself to talk and act calm for Jim and Sara's sake, but on the inside she thinks that she may just fall over from a heart attack any second herself.
Sara intentionally doesn't answer Catherine's request, and tries desperately to pull away as she sobs in shame and disgust.
For their part, neither Jim nor Catherine are willing to budge either; and Cath kisses her cheek while Jim kisses her head.
"Listen Sara, please just do it...this one time...please. I don't have anything else with me here to help you...please babe, we have to bring your heart rate down...I'm scared..."
Passing Sara the contents of the bag, Catherine rubs Sara's arms to try to bring some warmth back to her clammy trembling body.
"No...no...I can't...please don't make me. I don't care if I die...you should just let me die. You should have just let me blow my brains out that day in the living room." Unwanted tears fill Sara's eyes at the memory. " No...no...I felt so horrible I made you witness that...I don't want that...but I'm doing it again to you now...this isn't right! You should never have had to see that...or this...I can't believe this is happening again! I can't do this to you anymore...you need to just leave...both of you...please! I can't let this happen...I can't..."
Jim looks up startled at Catherine at the mention of a previous suicide attempt, but Catherine conveniently ignores the holes he's burning into her head. Instead, she takes the bag back and begins to prepare the drugs herself. She fears for Sara's worsening condition and figures this is the lesser of two evils.
Although it feels like lifetime ago, Catherine has dealt with drugs in the past and quickly cooks up the poisonous substance. Taking the worn leather belt from Sara's discarded clothing, Catherine places the syringe on the floor as she fastens the tourniquet on Sara's thin upper arm.
As the belt tightens, Sara uses her remaining energy to try and fight both Catherine and Jim off while pleading for them to stop.
Trying to be subtle so as not to insult of demean Sara, Jim softly whispers a warning to Catherine to avoid being stuck by the needle or be exposed to Sara's blood for fear the young woman may have contracted something. It's a grim realization that neither person wants to contemplate for long.
Despite her struggle, Catherine successfully injects Sara's vein with the drug and joins Jim in holding Sara as her weak struggling slows and the tension drains from her body.
Warm tears slide down her face as her eyes begin to cloud over and Jim kisses her one last time before releasing her into Catherine's care so he can prepare the car.
As gently as she can manage, Catherine coaxes Sara back to the bed and retrieves the clothes Jim had bought for her. She hands her the over-sized dress shirt while fighting back her own tears as she takes stock of Sara's disturbingly wasted and thin body. The surgical scar that runs down the center of her chest and the small chest tube scars from the shooting are now joined by at least fifty cuts, bruises and abrasions from God knows what. She can see every bone, every vertebrae, every wasting muscle in Sara's abused body.
A sluggish and confused Sara struggles with the buttons; so Catherine gently moves her hands away and does them up for her. She's scared and angry at the same time. She wants to scream, slap and kiss Sara for doing this to herself...but she settles on slowly but firmly guiding her out of the building to Jim in the awaiting car.
The drive back to Vegas is mostly silent as Jim drives and Catherine holds a sleeping and trembling Sara in the back seat. She hopes Sara is sleeping...she's seemingly lost in her own drug induced world.
Jim uses his Bluetooth headset to call each member of the team. Despite his own anxieties, he tries to assure his shaken friends that they are going to get Sara help and work toward making everything better.
While listening to Jim's hushed conversation, Sara mumbles slightly and Catherine has to lean her head against Sara's to make out some of what she is saying.
"...Cath...Linds...I'm so sorry...I've really messed up this time. I'm broken beyond repair...I'm sorry I won't be with you two, I'm going straight into the pits of Hell. I love you both so much, I wish I could express how much...I should have said it more...I hope you both know..."
Unable to listen to Sara's heartbreaking pleas any longer, Catherine holds her tighter and gently kisses the side of her head and face.
"Sara...I love you sweetheart! And Lindsay loves you! I'm going to get you help...and be with you every step of the way...everything is going to be okay, you'll see. Just close your eyes and listen to my heartbeat okay...I'm here with you my love. I'll never leave you again...I'm so sorry! I love you Sara!"
Even in her confused fog, Sara feels broken inside and out. She tries to focus on Catherine's heartbeat, but the rocking of the car is making her feel miserable.
More concerning is the fact that even with the drugs in her system, her chest still feels tight. Breathing is becoming tiring and she starts to wonder if maybe she could just take a little break and rest; its bad enough she's actually missing a portion of one lung...the remaining lobes are now protesting against the extra strain. She finds herself having to heave her whole chest just to suck in a breath...almost like she did that time before...and that didn't turn out so well. This is bad...something has changed...something is definitely wrong with her now. She's trying to relax her muscles and breathe normally, but despite her best efforts, her chest just wants to hitch and twitch. Then, when the burning sensation builds, she's forced to call on most of the muscles in her upper body to assist her lungs to actually take in air. Part if her wishes she would just black out because the primal fear of not being able to breathe is consuming her every thought and the vicious cycle of panicking is doubling her efforts to adequately oxygenate her blood.
The unwelcome memories of the last time she struggled to breathe as she lay dying on the floor combined with her feeling of guilt reminds Sara why she turned to drugs to ease her troubled mind. But why wasn't it working this time? The physical and mental pain is becoming unbearable and her mind begins to morph into a blur of tortured emotions. Unable to fully grasp the thoughts flashing across her mind, fear and confusion take hold and she begins to struggle against the forces holding her down.
While still holding Sara in a protective embrace, Catherine can feel Sara's noticeably uneven and labored breaths. When she had first helped Sara into the car, she was lethargic but compliant; but as her breathing worsened, so seemingly did her awareness of their current situation. Catherine isn't sure which of those scares her the worst.
In her struggles, Sara tries to push Catherine's hands away before bringing her own arms up to cover her head; much like a professional boxer would to protect his head from an approaching fist. Catherine hopes it's not another migraine coming on. A few months after Sara had come home from the original shooting, Catherine would often find Sara holding her head in pain when the migraines would hit her hard. The doctor's had warned them that recurring migraines could be a side effect of the brain damage and it could even sometimes be a precursor for a seizure. Catherine prays that this is not one such time.
As she tries to rub calming circles on Sara's back, Catherine can't help but flash back to when she used to try to calm Sara in the ICU and how all the staff used to say that no one had the ability to calm Sara the way she did. They said it must be because Sara trusts her implicitly and that even in her confused, anxious state, Catherine's presence makes her feel safe.
Catherine pauses her gentle massage to wipe the stray tear that managed to escape. There are far too many similarities to the original shooting and she begins to feel her own heart rate race out of control in response.
Despite Sara's best efforts, she's still not getting enough oxygen; and for her troubles, the overexertion is causing her to break out in a cold sweat. She'll squirm around and will manage to get in a few good sounding breaths before her body will hitch and struggle to inhale; it almost sounds like she's being strangled.
Before resuming her efforts to calm her, Catherine readjusts her hold on Sara to try to get her into a higher sitting position in the hopes of helping her breathing.
Glancing in the rear view mirror and seeing both women struggle, Jim hits his sirens and picks up speed. He wordlessly communicates with Catherine before gluing his eyes on the road and gripping the steering wheel until his knuckles turn white. Even if he could manage to talk past the growing lump in his throat, there are no words to adequately express what all members in the car are feeling. After everything they have already overcome...why must they once again be faced with so much pain? Will it ever end? Can they finally just be happy? Jim allows himself a moment of pity before shaking his head and those thoughts aside. By all rights they should have lost Sara over a year ago...and several times in between...and so help me God they are not going to lose her now. Even if he has to move heaven and earth he is not going to let Sara die!
Jim softly clears his throat and his resolve strengthens as he spares another glance at the two women in the back.
"That's great Catherine...you are doing great. Try to keep her head up just like that and I'll get us to Desert Palms in no time."
"I'm trying to keep her calm Jim...but I don't know if I'm helping at all...I'm scared...I can't lose her...not again". Catherine confesses as another tear makes its way down her cheek.
"No sweetheart, you won't lose her...she's fighting for you just like she did before. I'm so proud of both of you...you two are doing great! I love you guys!" Jim says as his voice begins to crack.
"Thanks Jim, we both love you so much too...don't we Sara?" Catherine replies while kissing the top of her head.
Despite his words of encouragement, Jim fears that Sara is deteriorating at an alarming rate so while Catherine softly talks to Sara, he once again calls Gil on his Bluetooth.
Much to his surprise, Gil and the guys are already on their way to the hospital. Apparently when Sara had first gone missing, Elizabeth spoke to Gil and pleaded with him to call her as soon as they located Sara. Therefore in true awkward Grissom fashion, Gil actually called Elizabeth and woke the poor nurse up in the middle of the night, who in turn called her buddy in the ER; so now the medical team is ready and waiting for their arrival. Jim isn't sure if he should be thankful and impressed or angry and ashamed...but since it will most definitely help Sara, he'll settle with proud.
Wiping the sweat from her brow, Catherine begins to rub and massage Sara's scalp. She never understood how Sara could like it so much as she herself hates it when people touch her hair...but Sara would almost pur like a cat when Catherine would scratch the back of her head.
Smiling at the memory, a sudden thought crosses her mind and she stops her ministrations. Looking intensely at her hands over Sara's skull, she finds herself wondering if just under her fingertips lies the damaged braincells...the doctor's had never showed her specifically where the damage had been located.
Catherine moves her left hand over Sara's back, where she knows more damage resides and rubs gently the way she used to for Lindsay. Under her fingertips she can feel the scars that indicate where a piece of Sara's lung had been removed to save her life. While that thought should scare her, Catherine begins to feel a strange peace wash over her...Jim was right, Sara is fighting...her many wounds and scars are a testament to her strength and will to survive.
"You are a fighter Sara...look at how much you have already overcome. You are not going to let this beat you! You hear me love? You keep fighting!"
Despite her strong words, both Jim and Catherine battle tears as Sara strangles out another ragged breath. As painful as it is to listen to, Catherine figures it is far better than if she was silent. As long as she's breathing when they get her to the hospital, then that's already a small victory in her eyes. At the rate Sara is deteriorating, she's beyond thankful they are only a few minutes away.
Catherine tightens her grip on Sara's slender frame as if her physical hold and determination alone will keep her bound to this earth. She has already lost so much...felt excruciating pain and regret...and yet here she is again. Just when she thought she has seen the worst of the worst, life once again brings Catherine to her knees and she's left wondering; how low can you go?
