Forever and Always

First Steps

It took Casey a while to figure out why he woke up to find himself firmly held in Severide's strong arms with a blanket covering the both of them. He could remember the confusion, he could remember the fear, but most of all he could remember the agonising pain he had felt during the night. There was little pain now apart from his hips and lower back, most likely caused by the position he was in now. Severide was sitting up against the headboard, holding Casey against his warm and bare muscular chest. Casey shifted slightly to try and relieve his discomfort, a short hiss of pain escaped from between his teeth.

"Hey, baby," Severide's voice gently penetrated the air. "Need some meds?"

"M'ok now," he replied quietly.

"You're gonna be sore after sleeping like this," Severide commented.

"Did you get any sleep?" he asked. Severide's hesitation gave him the answer. "Sorry."

"I'd rather stay awake all night with you." Severide smiled down at Casey's ruffled hair.

"What's the time?" Casey mumbled, unable to tell how light it was because of the blackout curtains.

Severide looked over Casey and peered at the luminous alarm clock. "Just after 9am," he supplied.

He frowned and after a moment he quizzed, "Aren't you on shift today?"

"Called in, said I was gonna be late, had something more important to do," Severide explained softly.

"Not sure I'm more important than saving lives…"

"You're the most important thing to me in the world," he replied.

"So I'm a 'thing' now?" Casey grinned.

"You're my thing," Severide teased.

"Huh… don't think I've ever been someone's property before." He laughed, snuggling against Severide. He sighed heavily, mulling over what he could recall about the previous night.

"What are you thinking?" Severide's question broke into his thoughts.

He looked up into Severide's green eyes, those perfect eyes that could always see when something was weighing heavily on his mind. "I don't want to be here," he almost whispered.

"What do you mean?" Severide questioned quickly, worried by Casey's statement.

"I want to go away," Casey continued, "Anywhere. Away from all of this."

"Away from me?" he teased.

"Never away from you." Casey shook his head into Severide's bare chest.

"So, you want to go on vacation with me? That's a big step for a couple..." Severide said, still teasing him mercilessly, "A vacation is a big deal."

"I don't mean a vacation… just away."

"I know." Severide nodded. "But maybe a little break would be a good idea. We've mentioned going fishing a few times, but maybe we should go somewhere warm, stay in a swanky hotel, fly first class…"

"I can think of more than a few reasons why we can't do that," Casey told him.

"Always so negative." He grinned.

"Just realistic, one of us has to be," Casey said, pushing himself from Severide's chest and sat back against the headboard, mimicking Severide's position. A small wince escaped his lips. His body felt so sore and his muscles were tight and strained

"So go on then, Mr Pessimistic." Severide smiled. "Why can't we go?"

"Well, firstly I have to be connected to this thing every other day, or I could die because I can't piss." He held his lightly bruised arm up as if to reinforce what he was saying. "And secondly, first class and a swanky hotel is not gonna happen, my medical bills may be being paid for, but I still have bills, thirdly…" he trailed off realising it was probably best not to continue.

But Severide pressed on, pushing Casey to talk to him and to open up. "Thirdly?"

"How am I supposed to enjoy it anyway? All I'd be able to do is sit around… that's nothing more than I do here… it'll just be a different location." He shrugged.

"Maybe when you're better then…" Severide encouraged. "But Chicago isn't the only place in the world with dialysis units…"

"I'm never going to be better, Kelly." It wasn't said with much misery at all, it was more just resignation, Casey had accepted his new limitations.


Almost two weeks after Casey got his temporary prosthetic he managed to take his first faltering steps with it. Ty was moving with him along the set of parallel bars in the physiotherapy suite. Severide was sitting a few feet away on one of the hard plastic chairs lining a part of the wall. He was watching Casey with an unmistakable look of pride filling his eyes. He was also ready to jump in if Ty needed any kind of assistance with Casey. Whenever he wasn't on shift he liked to accompany Casey to his rehabilitation sessions if Casey would let him.

"Well done, Matt, take a moment." Ty raised an arm to stop Casey from moving any further along the bars, still holding onto the webbing belt around Casey's waist. "Sit back down for a little while." He indicated for Severide bring the wheelchair back over to Casey.

"Those steps next, right?" he questioned with a small smile as he caught his breath, nodding towards the corner of the room where there was a small set of stairs.

"Sit back down, Matt, have a little break," Ty advised.

Casey shook his head. "Let me keep going," he huffed determinedly, "Just let me walk." He took another laborious step, undeterred by Ty's hand in front of him. "Sitting down and standing up again is more tiring than just walking," he told Ty.

"All right, just a few more steps then," Ty said. As Casey began to move forwards, trying to balance his body in the way he had been taught, Ty continued to speak, "Try not to put so much weight on your hands, Matt. Use your legs a little more..." he encouraged.

"I'm trying…" Casey gritted out with a grimace. He attempted to move his right leg into a position where he could balance sufficiently to take his next step, but his leg didn't land where he intended and he almost lost his footing. "Damnit," he hissed in frustration, his pale face broke into a sweat.

Ty took most of his weight whilst he rebalanced himself. "Ok, Matt, I've got you."

"Let me just get to the end," Casey managed to say as he moved forward again, breathing heavily, his movements jerky and awkward. But slowly, step by painful step, he made it to the end of the parallel bars.

"Really good, Matt." Ty gave him a wide smile, strengthening his hold on the webbed belt. "Slowly you're going to turn round to face me, up for that?"

Casey nodded. "I can do it."

"I know you can." Ty was still smiling, impressed with Casey's determination. "Slowly does it," he encouraged, "I'm going to have hold of you just as a precaution, ok? Now, move your right hand over to the left bar… that's it, now your left leg… yeah, you've got it… right leg, that's it, well done, Matt… you all right?"

Casey just nodded, he was concentrating too hard to reply verbally.

"Ok, you're more than half way, just move your left hand over… that's it, now your left leg… brilliant, Matt, really good, now..." Ty looked over at Severide who was still beaming, indicating him to place Casey's chair right behind him, which he willingly did. "Matt, just ease yourself back into the chair... there you go. How did all that feel?"

"Harder than I expected," Casey admitted truthfully. "Feel so unfit…"

"You're not unfit." Ty shook his head. "Learning how to walk again is hard work but look..." Ty indicated back down the length of the parallel bars, "Look how far you've walked, and that was your first try. You've done amazingly well."

"I used to run miles," Casey observed, comparing what he had just struggled to achieve with what he used to do without even thinking, disheartened by the thought.

"And you might be able to do that again at some point Matt. But it will be a long process," Ty replied, "Baby steps remember?"

Casey smiled wryly. "Yeah, baby steps. So, can I have another go then?"

Ty nodded. "Got half an hour left, we'll do it a few more times. By the end of the week I might just have you trying out a walker, give you some independence at home."

"A walker? Not crutches?" Casey's face dropped at the news. That was the last thing he wanted to have to use.

"You need the stability of the walker, just to start off with until you find your balance a little better," he explained. "Now, we going again?"


Severide wasn't quite sure what had pulled him from a deep sleep in the small hours of that night. He didn't need to go to the bathroom or to get a drink of water so he just turned over to check on Casey. His nightstand lamp was still on, as was Casey's regular habit now. Severide didn't question that, knowing it was what Casey needed right now. He was sharing the same bed and that was way more than he had expected at this stage so nothing else really mattered.

He could see that Casey was awake. "Matt?" he questioned tiredly. He cleared his throat, wiped the sleep from his eyes and pushed himself up on one elbow. "You ok?" he asked.

"Fine, go back to sleep," Casey said from his position propped up against the headboard, his voice so low that Severide could only just hear the words.

"Lie back down with me." He looked up at Casey's face. He was exhausted, he skin was pale and he had puffy, red-rimmed eyes, almost surrounded by dark circles. "Did you have a nightmare?"

"Just a dream," Casey commented as he shuffled back down. He lay on his back staring up at the pattern of light thrown onto the ceiling by the lamp.

"What happened in this dream?" Severide asked softly, fearing that he knew exactly what it was about. Since Casey's nightmare and flashback that had caused him to have a meltdown a few weeks ago the bad dreams and disturbed nights had grown more and more frequent, and to top it all, he was still telling Severide he was fine. There was no end to his stubborn streak.

"If I talk about it it'll be back in my head," Casey replied quietly, still staring up at the ceiling.

Severide smiled. "Or if you tell me it'll just vanish."

"You're full of crap sometimes." Casey turned his head to face Severide, who just smiled again and ran a hand through Casey's soft fair hair.

"Tell me what happened," Severide said again.

"I just… I just remember stuff…" he admitted wearily.

"Stuff?" Severide repeated, hoping Casey would say more.

"You know what I'm talking about," he said darkly.

"Nah, you're gonna have to be more specific," Severide insisted with a smile.

"Go back to sleep, Kelly."

"All right," Severide conceded defeat on that one but went on to add, "You should be really proud of yourself today. You're walking, Matt. Nothing will stop you now."


Casey was walking up and down the full length of the parallel bars in the physical therapy suite with only minimal assistance from Ty as the days moved on, and his assistance was only whilst fine tuning his turns, where he still struggled a little with his balance. Ty had finally brought in the walker Casey would be allowed to use, he was happy that he could now give Casey a bit more independence.

There was a disgruntled look on Casey's face as the metal frame was presented to him. "You couldn't get one with a basket?" he questioned with disdain. "Let me show you that I can use crutches," he insisted.

"You can't use crutches yet, Matt, we talked about this," Ty reminded him.

"You've not seen me, not given me a chance…"

"I don't want to see you fall flat on your face," Ty responded quickly. "The walker has more stability and support, which is what you need. It's not forever, just another step in your learning curve, ok?" He was calm but firm with Casey.

Casey looked down and shook his head realising that Ty was only doing his job, he should be more grateful. He looked back up with an apologetic expression. "I'm sorry…"

"It's fine, believe me, you're not the first person to object to having a walker," Ty replied.

"Because they're for the elderly?" he questioned, still disheartened.

Ty just smiled once more. "Most of the elderly walk better than you do."

Casey's face broke into a grin and he laughed. "That is probably very true."

"Probably?" Ty repeated. "It is definitely is true. C'mon let's give it a go and might even let you take it home with you."


A week went by with little event. Severide had left to go out for a run and had been gone for some time when the buzzer in his apartment rang. It took Casey an age to answer, he moved from the couch over to the door where he could see Boden on the small video camera. Casey let him upstairs, he waited by the door, his weight rested heavily on the walker, there was no point in going to sit back down since he knew it wouldn't take long for the elevator to bring Boden up to the apartment.

"Hello, Matt, good to see you," the Chief greeted with a smile, he stepped inside as Casey moved back away from the door with the walker.

"Come in, Chief," Casey began. The two men shared a smile.

"How are you doing… really? How is everything?" Boden's face had taken on a somewhat serious look.

"Good, Chief, thanks." Casey nodded and with a small shrug he added, "Everything considered."

"I'm glad, and if there is anything at all I..." Boden placed emphasis on the word 'anything.'

"Yeah, I know," he cut in quickly. "But I guess you haven't come here just for small talk, have you?"

"No..." Boden replied.

"You don't need me to write some sort of report about the call, do you?" he questioned. Casey was worried now but Boden just shook his head.

"No, you don't have to do unless you want to, what you can do is just sign my version of the events, it's all just for the record," Boden replied.

Casey's face paled at the thought of being obliged to read about the terrorist attack that had taken his right leg, that had almost taken his life. "Do I have to read it?" he asked quietly.

"That's up to you…"

"Does it affect the medical insurance or disability pay if something…"

"You were injured on the job. It wasn't at all your fault, all your medical expenses are being paid, you don't need to worry about money, Matt. You don't have any deductibles or anything, it's all covered, the CFD are making sure of that."

"I've not worried about money for a long time but now… I can't walk, even stand for very long without this walker and even then I…" He looked over to the wheelchair that was next to the couch with a heavy sigh. "I don't know if I'm going to be able to work again any time soon, at least not with my skills… given up on the notion of ever doing any construction again… maybe I could paint…" He shook his head. "Sorry, you didn't come for this."

"I'll see if there's any opportunities in HQ, you're a fantastic officer, Matt, the CFD could still use your…"

Casey just shook his head again. "For four hours every other day I'm at the hospital for dialysis, I have physio three, sometimes four, times a week. I couldn't do anything full time."

"You don't have to, and no one would think any less of you if you didn't go to work until things are a little more stabilised, or if you didn't go back at all."

"They would… I would. You know me, Chief, I need to do something, sitting around here is driving me crazy…" he trailed off and sighed heavily.

"I'm joining everyone at Molly's tonight, you should come, you're sorely missed," Boden tried to persuade Casey.

"So Kelly keeps telling me," he smiled, thankful for the change in conversation, he hadn't meant to go on about work, but those thoughts had been plaguing his mind for the last few days now that he'd really realised how hard it was going to be to just walk unaided on just a flat surface.


Severide and Casey were sitting in silence in the car that evening. They were parked outside Molly's, the sky outside was dark and the street lights illuminated what was left of the snow, it was grey, dirty and slushy now, but knowing their winters there may still more snow before spring came around. They'd been sat there in the car for almost half an hour when Casey suddenly made the decision. "Ok, if we sit here any longer my ass is gonna freeze so let's just do it."

"Do it? You mean, let everyone know about us?" Severide asked, eyes bright. He knew exactly what Casey had been talking about and it wasn't coming out to the entire population of Molly's bar tonight.

"Oh… I was just talkin' about me being an idiot and not wanting to go inside, but yeah, sure, let's tell everyone. It'll take focus off me... well kind of." He gave Severide a wry side smile.

"I'm fairly certain that everybody probably knows, well maybe just Mouch is in the dark." Severide laughed. "I'll go get the chair," he said as he squeezed Casey's hand comfortingly. He understood how worried Casey was about seeing everyone, but it was bound to happen eventually so it might as well be now rather than later in his opinion, they weren't going to think any less of him. It had been almost three months since Casey had been discharged from the hospital and he had tried to cut himself off from the outside world as much as he could so tonight felt like a major breakthrough to Severide.

As he turned to get out of the car Severide heard Casey say no very firmly, and a sideways glance revealed Casey was shaking his head.

"Matt, it's been a long day," Severide countered.

"You're always saying I need to practice with this more often." He looked down at his right leg, the loose jeans he wore hid the prosthetic. "I'll use the walker not the chair, not here. Don't worry I don't intend on falling flat on my face."

A short while later Severide was holding the door open as Casey walked into Molly's for the first time since he had been injured in the explosion and building collapse. He moved slowly and somewhat clumsily on the walker, he'd only been up and walking, although Casey wouldn't call it walking, for a little over a week now, each movement he took was precise, he was determined not to pick up any bad habits and possibly create any problems in the future, although Ty thought it was unlikely he wouldn't only use the walker to help with his residual limb, like many prosthetic users got into the habit of, since he needed the help with his left just as much.

Herrmann's voice called out as Severide closed the door. "Lieutenant Casey!"

All eyes turned towards the door. But there was no silence or stares. Instead there were loud happy greetings and smiles. Casey instantly felt at ease, even more so when Severide took a light hold of his arm and helped him to get over to one of the tables where some of his old truck crew were gathered. Cruz immediately stood up to let Casey have his seat. Mouch, Otis and Mills were still smiling, delighted to see their old lieutenant.

Once Casey had managed to sit down in the chair Cruz had vacated Severide took the walker from him and moved it so it wasn't in the way of anything, then he gave Casey a reassuring touch on the arm and walked over to the corner of the bar to grab a couple of spare chairs.

"What are you drinking, Lieutenant?" Cruz asked. Habit taking over when he addressed Casey.

Casey shook his head. "Thanks but I'm good." He smiled.

"You've been missed," Cruz said warmly.

"Well, I've not missed you guys," he answered with a teasing grin. Then as the conversation died there was an awkward silence with no one quite sure what they should say next. Casey stared around to find Severide. Normally he might have excused himself and gone over to help him carry the chairs, but being unable to he started to feel his heart beating faster and faster in his chest. The bar was growing busier and busier now and Casey's growing apprehension showed on his face.

"Are you all right, Lieutenant?" Mills asked with concern. He hadn't seen him since the hospital, as far as he was aware none of them had, and he was looking a little rough and frayed around the edges, something Mills had not really seen before.

Severide returned with the two chairs before Casey could reply and now Severide was back his heart no longer felt like it would burst through his chest. "Ok?" Severide questioned, he took Casey's hand, a motion that wasn't missed by the others at the table. Mouch just raised an inquisitive eyebrow, Otis smiled wickedly but in fun, and Cruz just seemed to think it was the most natural thing in the world.

Just at that moment Herrmann had approached their crowded table. "You two look good together," he smiled towards Severide and Casey. "How long?"

"Why?" Casey questioned, confidence renewed with Severide by his side. "You all got bets on it?"

"Maybe," Herrmann replied slowly, grinning. "On the house." He set down a beer on the table in front of Casey.

"I can't, but thank you," he said and then he saw that pitying look in Herrmann's eyes and he wanted to leave.

"Can get you something non-alcoholic or…"

"It's fine, not thirsty, but thanks," Casey shook his head. To say he wasn't thirsty was the easiest thing, far simpler than an explanation about why he didn't want to have a drink with them, and he didn't want to seem as if he was throwing Herrmann's hospitality back into his face. "And besides I gotta watch my intake now I can't go running..." Casey added as an explanation, smiling and putting a hand to his stomach. Although Severide knew it was quite clear to everyone that he'd lost some weight.

Herrmann smiled back at Casey and returned to the bar to serve some more customers who had come in. Otis piped up, "So, you're up and about now, Lieutenant?"

"Mostly." He nodded, wishing they would stop calling him lieutenant but he bit it back and remained silent, and he didn't miss Otis's gaze drift downwards as if he could see Casey's prosthesis through the table.

"You can get some pretty cool prosthetics nowadays can't you?" Otis questioned, travelling on somewhat thin ice now. Severide shot him a glare and Cruz thumped him under the table. Mouch and Mills said nothing, just watched as the conversation took place.

Casey felt like animal at the zoo but he just shrugged, trying to shake off the feeling. "Yeah, guess so."

"Does it hurt?" Otis blundered on with curiosity.

"Does… does what hurt?" he asked quietly, trying desperately to remained outwardly confident.

"Otis…" Cruz warned as Severide shot him another annoyed look that Otis didn't seem to notice.

"It's fine," Casey said suddenly, even though he wasn't fine with it at all. "It doesn't hurt," he explained with a brave face, "Nothing does, it's all healed up really well. The doctors did a good job."

Severide said nothing even though all he wanted to do was get Casey out of there but that would destroy the façade Casey had suddenly decided to make in front of his old crew. Severide should have expected that, he should have expected curious questions, he should have expected Casey to construct a wall so high that a plane couldn't even fly over it.

"Casey," a deep voice boomed. Chief Boden had arrived. He laid a hand on Casey's shoulder as a way of welcome, knowing the man would be unable to stand to greet his former chief as he would perhaps have done before the accident. "Glad you made it."

"It's great to see everyone." Casey plastered a fake smile on his face like it was a shield.

"Anyone like a drink?" Boden offered. They all shook their heads and Boden strode off to the bar and the conversations continued.

Severide took Casey's hand under the table and rubbed a small circle with his thumb, trying to get him to relax, to rid him of his anxiety. Casey gripped his hand so tightly he wouldn't have been surprised if it bruised but Severide soon felt Casey relax a little. Eventually the conversation steered away from Casey, but he could feel pitying looks boring into the back of his head, he could see people talking to each other than briefly glancing over to him with yet more pitying looks.

Seeing that Casey's discomfort was still very much present he decided it was time to leave. Casey had made the huge effort to come here, he'd done his bit now. "Shall we get out of here?" Severide said with a smile across his face. He stood up and fetched Casey's walker and placed it in front of him, and he saw a look of relief in his eyes. "I've got an early start," he said to excuse Casey because all he wanted to do was get him home.

Casey smiled around at the faces surrounding the table. "Great to see you all."

"Yeah great seeing you too, Lieutenant..." They smiled back and then went back to their conversations.

Casey readied himself to get up but he scarcely moved. "Kel…" Casey's quiet voice spoke into his ear so no one else could hear. "I can't move."

His heart sank and quietly he told Casey, "I'll go and get the…"

"Please not here…" Casey shook his head adamantly. "Let's just wait…"

"Matt…" he began, still almost whispering, knowing Casey didn't want to draw the slightest bit of attention to himself.

"Erm… just help me up off the chair… I'll be fine then…"

"You don't know that, look it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks, you're hurt, I'll go and get…"

"Just hold me, you're all I need." He looked pleadingly into Severide's eyes, he'd had enough pity for a lifetime, he just wanted to get out of there now and he didn't want to make a scene. "I'll be fine once I get off this damn chair."

"All right." Severide nodded. "C'mon then, let's do this."

TBC