By the time they had broken apart long enough to have some sort of brief conversation, Elizabeth had declared she was hungry (he had then made a very inappropriate comment that had actually made her blush) and John had proposed that she find a decent restaurant to have dinner in.
"How much of London have you seen? There are so many 'decent' restaurants here we could be here all night," Elizabeth strode on ahead of him.
"…Not a lot…" he admitted, "I stick to the area around my flat and the area around the theatre."
She smiled, "Let's go to China Town."
"London has a China Town?"
"Best Chinese restaurants in the city."
"And there I was expecting Mexican…" John caught up with her.
"You've been here nearly a month and you haven't strayed far from your flat?" she smiled.
"Hey, I'm a guy, if I got lost it'd be losing face to ask for directions!"
Elizabeth laughed, "You mean you still can't read the tube maps?"
He looked away, "…I know the Northern line…"
"And the others?"
"…We're aren't so well acquainted…"
She shot him a grin, "Good job you've got me then, right?"
"Its just a blur of coloured lines!" John insisted as they exited the tube station, "Its like a kid scribbled all over it!"
"I can't believe you nearly ended up at Heathrow…" Elizabeth shook her head, hiding a smile.
"It was an honest mistake!"
"It was a stupid mistake," she turned the corner from the main street and headed down an avenue.
"Lot of theatres around here," John commented.
She nodded, "Maybe we should check out some of the competition one day," she proposed.
"Sounds like a plan…"
Elizabeth looked up at the gates of China Town, "Well, you're the new guy in town, maybe you should choose where to eat…"
"You know which restaurants are likely to kill me, don't you?" he accused.
"…Maybe," she smiled.
"How about that one?" he gestured toward one on the right as they walked along.
She grimaced and shook her head, "I wouldn't…"
"I vote we go back for the lone pizza express we saw…"
"Coward."
John held his arm out before them, "Lead on then, Ms Weir."
"Thank you…" she paused and frowned, "…What rank did you reach?"
His face clouded for a moment, "…I didn't…"
Elizabeth looked back at him, hesitant, mouth open in what had begun as a hasty apology. She decided not to voice it, and so led him silently to the nearest good restaurant she could think of.
Forty minutes into their meal and Elizabeth realised she was definitely in serious trouble. If she could dismiss her…infatuation… (was that even the word?) with him as just the need for company, and, if she was blunt, her attraction to him wasn't based on a purely physical, and sexual, desire, then everything would have been a little easier. Even if he was just some arrogant actor who had decided he knew everything about her, that would have been easy to dismiss. She had no idea what kind of relationship they had, but whatever it was, she found it exciting and dangerous, and no matter how much she was determined to hate it, and him, it only made her want more. Even if she had denied it ever existed in the first place. The danger was that he might see her for who she really was, and that she wanted him to, but every time he did she desperately wanted to take the moments back. Without him around, it had been easier to play the role of leader and protector, take charge of things and be the one to turn to when something needed sorting. Now when she knew he was watching her and picking apart her every move…it just seemed…useless… But she had to have some form of control, and if it meant she fell apart on her own time, then that was how she lived. If she couldn't be the one to be relied upon she felt weak. Sometimes she wished she had adopted a stage name. Something to see in lights and in programs, something she could drop when the curtain went down… Maybe that had been her first mistake.
But life was never that easy. She knew that. And somehow he did too. If John couldn't make her laugh and smile and just…react…like she did, like nobody had before, then perhaps she could have dismissed her behaviour as infatuation. As a girl she had had her fair share of crushes. But this man had found his way into her heart, though how deep or how far she wasn't certain, and into her bed in a matter of weeks. She never behaved like she did when around him. She had never hated someone for wanting to get to know her. …Maybe because the others had failed and she had been comfortable with the walls she put up…walls that he insisted on tearing down.
She shouldn't have slept with him. She shouldn't have surrendered herself. She shouldn't have been so honest with him. Because that was what it was going to all come down to. For those moments, he had seen her, who she really was and what emotion she was truly capable of. Walls were now a façade. Well. Everyone has their own defence mechanism. His were wit and sarcasm, charm and the ability to appear unflappable. Hers was to smile at the right moments and make out everything was always okay. Pretend she never failed and never hurt.
"What was that about checking out the competition earlier?" John questioned.
"Oh," she remembered, "Well, like you said, there are a lot of theatres around here. I just thought maybe we should check out what we're up against," Elizabeth frowned, "I know The Woman in White is being performed at the Palace Theatre…its been going for some time now. The same with We Will Rock You, but we're not exactly talking the same kind of performance as ours with that one," she smiled slightly.
"What about As You Desire Me?" he proposed.
She blinked, "Excuse me?"
"As You Desire Me?" John repeated.
"…I…" she suddenly realised he was still talking about rival productions, "Oh, yes," she glanced away for a moment, "Yes, they're saying its one of the top five in London at the moment. Scott Thomas is playing Elma. Brilliant, apparently," she grinned, "They offered the role to me at one point. I couldn't do it. I couldn't remain that lost for so many performances. Maybe that makes me a bad actress. But yes, its brilliant, so the reviews say. Playhouse Theatre."
John had to look away to stop from smiling at her little mistake. He knew exactly what she thought he meant. …Maybe that was why he had stopped resisting the temptation to say it, "Maybe we should go do some recon…"
"A good idea, I think…" Elizabeth frowned, "…You do know if we sell out and there's demand for more tickets, they'll extend our run…"
"Yeah…" he slouched in his seat and set his chopsticks down, "But you know if we do sell out, it won't be because of me."
She seemed a little shocked by his statement, "Whyever not? You landed one of the leads. You've been in other productions."
"Nothing this high profile…"
"John-"
"If we sell out, it'll be because of you. Have you read the reviews of your other productions, TV work in the run up to our opening night? They love you. They rave about the rest of the cast, sure, hell, I'm sure Carson even has a fanbase somewhere, but me? I'm just the new boy. They want me to prove myself with this."
"Then why don't you?" Elizabeth challenged.
He was silent at that, not expecting that reaction from her.
She sighed and sat up straight, flexing her shoulders, "Me? They love me? I already told you, a few years, maybe even a few months, I'll be old news. I'll be some woman who was famous for a little while because she could convince people she was somebody else, anybody else. And if I cling on for too long, I'll be some woman who should've bowed out gracefully. People see what they want to see, John, if they want to like somebody, most people will. If any of us is given a scathing review, people go to see us with damning expectations, determined not to like us. People like to be told what to think so they don't have to themselves. All we can do is try to convince them they want to like us. And when we can't any longer, then they'll damn us all to hell and say they never saw anything in us in the first place," Elizabeth sighed and took a sip of her drink, shaking her head, "That's the truth in a world of falsehood. Call me actress and I'll answer to it."
John was silent for a long moment, gazing across at her before he spoke, "…I don't think you're an actress…" he uttered.
She was suddenly defensive, folding her arms across her, "What am I then?"
He decided to choose his words carefully before continuing, "…I think you're a woman who's been badly burnt…and wants to think she can be somebody different to everyone…because its easier that way…and you can choose when to risk getting burnt again…and if you are, then you can convince yourself its all another act and you were never hurt at all…"
Elizabeth looked sharply away, as if he had burnt her himself there and then.
"But what do I know?" he continued, sounding a little bitter, "You said yourself. You'll be whoever I think you are."
She was suddenly angry, "You know nothing about me."
"I know I held you in my arms last night. I know that wasn't just sex. I know you were terrified in the morning because you knew you couldn't go back and play pretend with me anymore like you do with the others…" John replied, voice low.
"Don't talk to me about playing pretend. I know people who would kill to be able to have the self confidence you project. You have the biggest inferiority complex I've ever seen and you love to act like it isn't there. Talk about proving yourself, god, just because you failed at something doesn't mean you fail at life. It doesn't mean it doesn't hurt just because you pretend it meant nothing. You know that. I know that," her voice rose, "Or why would we be trying to find sanctuary with each other when we know that we scare each other to death!" God, she wanted to kill him. No, she wanted to take him home with her and make sure she knew every inch of him, make him tell her everything that he'd never told anyone else. She just wanted to feel the same raw emotion again, giddy with fear but finally safe, "What are you afraid of, John? That you might actually be brilliant? That it might hurt if you aren't?"
"I've let people down," he insisted, angrily.
"Who hasn't? You sit there and talk about me being burnt when you can't even admit you have been too."
"And what happens when we both crash and burn?" John demanded.
She exhaled slowly, "Then we know we were both honest," Elizabeth stood up, setting a few notes down in the middle of the table, "That's my half. I'll see you in the morning," she began to walk away.
"Elizabeth!" he gripped her arm as she walked past him, knowing it was a mistake when she glared angrily down at him.
John stood up, matching her expression, before he held her forcefully to him and kissed her almost violently. Well aware that they were being observed, he broke away, "Stay…" he uttered, voice rough.
She shook her head, "…This is playing with fire…"
"Afraid now?"
"As scared as you are, John Sheppard. And that's why I'll see you in the morning," Elizabeth strode away and out of the restaurant without looking back.
