I opened my eyes, my head was pounding. I was in bed, naked. I was not alone, I knew this before turning to face the girl beside me. Another one night stand, what have I turned into?
So much time is spent trying to fill a void. I still battled to understand why I was doing this? What made Spencer so damn special? I was at that angry phase - I blamed everything on her, every mistake I made, every minute spent in misery it was all her fault. My anger was recycled, my thoughts always repeating themselves.
I mourned her departure as if she were dead. Maybe her dead would make things easier? At least I would have closure then. For once these thoughts did not make me feel bad, they made me feel empty.
I needed to get rid of the girl - the one beside me, I couldn't risk the Agency finding her here. I was still not trusted, I wondered if they would ever trust me again? I knew I'd never trust them, I was still under constant surveillance. They knew my every move, maybe I played up to this?
I didn't know her name, this was bad - she was a result of a night spent in a bar, so many one night stands all of a sudden. So much time wasted in dodgy bars. Girls were allowed to see me naked, I undressed without a care, I wore my scars with pride - especially the bullet ones.
I longed to find Spencer, I wanted to show her the marks, I wanted her to see everything. I longed to stand in front of her just so I could rip my heart out of my chest so she could see it was broken. I wanted her to see the blood oozing out of it, she needed to see that my heart was drained of life.
I felt sick, the room was spinning. Emotion sickness, the only kind I suffered from. I got up, it was already 11am, I was wasting another day. I couldn't, I needed to do something. I knew just what would make me feel better, getting dressed I grabbed my phone and dialled Aiden's number.
"I need to kill."
"Ash." He no longer called me Agent.
"What? You don't understand, its the only thing I have." Aiden sighed,
"You've been too busy, all this killing and they're so violent, its not like you." I could hear the disapproval in his voice.
He was right, since that night in the club I have been unstoppable, testing myself I guess. I had all this inner conflict, I didn't know where I belonged. Killing made me feel alive again, it was a new high. At the club as the knife went in that girl I felt nothing at first but then I woke up the next morning so full of life. I wanted to see how far I could go, I was full of life yes - but the wrong kind - the bad kind. Evil was winning my soul and as I killed over and over again I needed to feel some form of good, I needed to make a connection with someone new but it just wasn't happening for me, I sighed, all too much proof that Spencer really was one of a kind.
The girl came into the room, she was naked - this didn't bother her, neither did the fact that I was on the phone. She placed herself on my lap. I was too shocked to do anything, she was biting on my neck while her fingers wandered my body.
"Get me a hit." I hung up, finally coming to my senses.
"What are you doing?"
"Breakfast," she smirked, not stopping.
I pushed her off me and stood up. "Don't."
She frowned, "what's wrong?"
"I think you should leave."
She sighed, "one night stand?" Clever girl, I nodded.
"Is it because of Spencer?" My eyebrow shot up.
"How do you know about her?"
"You spent all night rambling on about her and while we were, you know - you called out her name."
"Fuck!" I couldn't believe this.
"I was once in love too, he broke my heart." I didn't want to have this conversation now, not with her naked and me without a care. I bit my lip,
"I can't do this." She moved to sit on my couch, clearly she wasn't going anywhere.
"Talking does help." So Aiden kept telling me.
"I need to get ready for work." I moved to leave the room.
"Nice lie."
I paused to look at her, she was getting under my skin, it had to stop.
"I could kill you." I blurted out.
"You'd be doing me a favor," She didn't blink.
"I'm being serious." I would strangle her, slowly.
"So am I."
"Your family will miss you?"
"I have no family"
"Go get dressed."
"Why? You don't like me naked?" She smirked.
"I'm taking you for breakfast, the real kind." What was I saying? Doing? Her face lit up.
"One night stand remember?" It was hard for me not to smile. Spencer was forever on my mind but this morning, so far, it hurt a little less.
"Friend, maybe?" I was not sure if I was ready for anything else, especially with a girl who's name I could not remember.
"Potential girlfriend material, I prefer." She got up, off the couch and rolled her eyes as she walked past me.
I had no idea where I was going to take her or what the hell I was doing, I was losing my mind. The Agency would have a field day with this but it felt good - the smile on my face was new and the concept of living in the moment was quite appealing.
-
I was blushing - it felt awkward, here we were having an intimate conversation and I still could not remember her name. I was too shy to ask or too ashamed.
She ended up taking me for breakfast, we were at a coffee shop across town, it was small, cosy. I found it easier to open up to her here, less people around to frighten me off. I told her about Spencer, it was better talking about it sober. I told her about the day in the field, it was hard not to cry. I was honest about everything, The Agency - all of it, even my job title. I was breaking so many codes, risking it all yet it felt so good - so right, there was just something about this girl that made opening up a little easier.
She didn't so much as blink as I got it all off my chest. I was puzzled - she told me her family were mafia, she was used to violence - her parents were gunned down by a gang. She smiled when I told her I had killed a few gang leaders in my day.
It felt nice having a confidant, even a nameless one. In exchange for my honesty she spoke of her heart break. In high school - a boy squashed her heart, she vowed never to date a guy again. She had their future plotted out - he had his next fuck planned out, it wasn't her. She was brave dating girls - after my brief encounter with love I would rather stick with a cold, lonely heart forever.
I could no longer stand not knowing her name, she giggled as I plucked up the courage to ask.
"Last night you called me Kyla, you said it suited me." I sighed, alcohol was bad for me - all my secrets were coming out. Her words hit me hard though, did I really call her Kyla then sleep with her? Did I have feelings for Kyla all those years ago? I shivered, suddenly cold. She was like a sister to me. This wasn't right.
"What's your real name then?" I felt bad calling her Kyla then suddenly calling out "Spencer" during sex. She was a sucker for punishment being here with me.
"Its Jade..." She smiled.
"Wow, that's a beautiful name." It really was, I caught myself before saying it was more beautiful than "Kyla" and even, I gulped "Spencer."
"Thank you."
We both sat there smiling. I didn't really know what else to say. I was still not good with talking in general.
"You wanna see a movie tonight?" She wouldn't look me in the eye, probably too afraid to see my reaction.
I hated the cinema, I had only ever been once and that was only to research a victim - an actress. Maybe I was taking too long to explain myself, maybe she wanted to explain further.
"I don't want this to be a once off thing, I like talking to you, we live with the same hurt, we're both alone." I nodded in agreement.
"Let's be alone together, in a cinema? I will even share my popcorn with you." Would going to a movie really hurt? I needed a new "high" maybe a film would take my mind off killing and most importantly, off Spencer.
"Okay, but you don't have to share. I don't eat popcorn"
-
The cinema was full - so crowded, she reached for my hand, I let her. Despite last night and this morning, it felt like a first date. This really was a first for me, I had never been on a date before. Jade would have something over Spencer, I was glad, she didn't deserve all the firsts, if I was honest she didn't deserve seconds or thirds either - maybe I was healing, moving on even.
I never paid much attention to the film, Jade never let go of my hand - not once, this was comfortable. I decided that I could go along with this, Jade was a nice girl - she made me forget when she was around. She was "new" but in such a short period of time she gave me hope. Real or not - I wasn't sure but I was slowly opening up to the possibility that life did indeed exist after Spencer Carlin. My thoughts were interrupted by cursing and a door opening. Late comers, very late comers. The movie was almost over. Jade giggled,
"Why do they even bother coming in?" I shrugged and turned to look at them.
My heart skipped a beat or maybe it sank a little. One of the girls looked like Spencer. I bit my lip - the ghost of Spencer was back - making fun of me for being on this date, for even wanting to move on. I sighed and looked away. I didn't want to see a Spencer look alike, I would stand strong and not allow this evening to be ruined. This was my date, I wanted to enjoy it. I owed it to Jade and I most definitely owed it to myself.
I turned to face Jade, she was enjoying her popcorn, I smiled - she was engrossed in the film but I needed to tell her something, it couldn't wait. Leaning closer - so my mouth was close to her ear I mumbled,
"You're right, girlfriend material is better."
It was true.
Later, Elsewhere
"Did you see how everyone was watching as we came in Spencer?"
I forced my eyes closed I knew what was about to happen and there was no stopping it.
"Do you plan on answering?" I took a deep breath, preparing myself.
"It was only a movie, relax baby," I slowly moved to touch her arm as gently as I could.
"You embarrassed us in that cinema Spencer!" She was so damn angry, Carmen always was these days.
Something went horribly wrong in our relationship, I lost control, I lost myself. I was too stuck in my fantasy world to pay much attention to the bruises, the violence - it was something new or maybe Carmen was always rough with me and I only noticed now - now that I was reaching boiling point.
I said I deserved to live a life of hell but my body just couldn't cope for much longer there were just too many trips to the emergency room, too many hours spent thinking up fake names and false stories. I was not a clumsy girl but I had to pretend, I was so tired of the act.
After each beating I would want to leave, my bags would be packed and the will power there but I never reached beyond the front door. I had nowhere else to go, I had nowhere to be, no-one to lean on - All these reasons where my own fault.
Growing up my father saved the type of girl I turned into - the victim. I knew all the signs, the character traits - they were all found in Carmen.
Tonight I could only pray to God that the beating wouldn't be too severe, not that God would listen because maybe Carmen was my punishment for Ashley.
It was this belief that usually led me to unpacking my bags - to staying and forgiving Carmen.
"We almost missed the entire movie! Why did you get home so late? Where were you?"
"I told you, the diner. We had a meeting, they were going to fire me if I left. Please calm down." I spoke half heartedly, I just couldn't stop what would happen anyway.
There was no time to react, I was on the floor - my nose bloody. Tonight she was going for the face - I already had tears in my eyes, not from the pain but because not once did I ever think that this would be my life. I was a good girl - I was intelligent, I had a bright future ahead of me and now as I lay on the floor - as the hits just kept coming there was no sign of that future. It was all blank, my life was a blank canvas only decorated in red.
"I'm never going to the cinema with you ever again!"
I hardly paid attention to what she was saying, or screaming rather - I didn't even look up at her because staring back at me was not the girl I pretended to love - the girl hurting me was so far from that girl. She was destroying the little soul I had left.
It was over, Carmen was gone. She would not return until morning. I didn't know where she went after the beatings, I was just relieved for the time alone to compose myself, to clean myself up.
I would not bother packing my stuff tonight or even pretend that I was going to leave. Tonight I simply wanted to crawl into bed and be still, I so badly wanted to switch off and have the world stop spinning for a few hours. I needed the world to stop hating me because I couldn't take it any longer.
I climbed into bed, I didn't clean myself up or change it was too much effort. I closed my eyes, I cuddled up against my pillow. It reeked of Carmen but I didn't even have the energy to get a new one - to chuck this one across the room. I simply blocked out the scent just as I blocked everything else out.
I let my mind wander to Ashley, she was still my first and my final thought each day. I knew that Ashley was alive, she had to be because I was weak, frail, and if I could survive Carmen's beatings then Ashley, strong Ashley would survive two gun shots.
She was not allowed to be dead because the fantasy in my head was altered, different now. The fantasy was no longer her and I living a happy, sheltered life of sunshine and joy, oh no, I now dreamt of Ashley coming in and scooping me up in her arms. I dreamt of her rescuing me - that old childhood fantasy was back - the one of prince charming on a white horse coming to rescue me from evil, only it was altered now - Ashley was my princess and she really didn't need a white horse but she did need to come and rescue me, I needed saving from evil - Carmen and I needed it soon.
I let out a sob, a loud cry that probably sounded like a wild animal dying and for a brief second I wished I was dying, I was now so helpless, so full of sorrow. I was desperate for something good to happen.
I closed my eyes, I was exhausted - the beatings took a lot out of me, tonight I only hoped that sleep would come soon because my mind was still awake, dreaming, wishing and I couldn't handle anymore empty fantasies.
New Point of view
I could not take this for another night, the walls were thin, I heard every argument, every slap, every cry. It was driving me crazy. I longed to stop it, the moment the girl would raise her voice I would want to go in and put a stop to it but I couldn't, I was wanted by the police. I could not bring attention to myself, I would be punished - I wanted to save the girl but my own life was more important.
I wanted to kill her but that was not in my job description, I did not have the authority. I moved here - to this terrible neighborhood to get away from my career. This was my shelter - nobody would think to look for me here, it was my way of escaping and now some some girl was ruining that, things were not going as peaceful as I wished for - The beatings and the cries, the noise and the violence was just getting louder and louder - worse with each day that passed. The apartment next door was like a torture chamber and I was too familiar with those.
I sighed, the girl next door was sobbing now, I could hear it clearly. I tried to block the sound out but I couldn't, not when I grew up watching my father beat up my mother. I wished the girl would come to her senses and leave but I knew that she would not - I knew the statistics, one person usually ended up dead - my mother was a not so perfect example of that.
Death was something I was immune too, my day was full up of people dying. It was an easy solution to so many problems - problems just like the one next door. My mind was ahead of me - could I really? I wasn't even sure if this would be allowed? It would be so easy to call in a personal favor but did I really want to get involved?
I needed to do this though, for the poor girls sake and because nobody ever did help my mother. I had to because my days were busy and all I wanted was to come home to peace and quiet so I could sleep and forget but that was impossible when the violence never left me at work, it followed me home.
I had never seen the neighbours - only heard them, I worked odd hours. If my new formed plan was going to work I would need something to get the job done - I needed a start, the others would do the rest.
I stayed up all night, patiently waiting for the girl to come home, if this was going to work - if I really was going to go through with this I would need a photograph at least.
I heard noises in the hallway, I grabbed my camera and rushed out - shocked at what I saw - a normal looking girl, she was small - pretty, there was no sign of her violent temper, I thought of the people I worked with, all of them looked normal - all of them were normal.
I didn't say anything - instead I aimed the camera at her and clicked, I wished it were a gun in my hand but I would never pull a trigger, my eye sight was too bad. It boiled down to that, not me being a coward or not wanting too but simply because I was too blind for violence.
The girl looked at me puzzled, she was going to say something but I didn't give her time, I walked back into my apartment slamming the door behind me. My heart was pounding, the thought of plotting her death rather exciting.
I went to find my phone, taking a moment to remember the number I never dialled because there was never a need to use it. I never brought my work home, I never got involved with anyone outside of working hours. That was about to change.
I was relieved when I heard the correct voice - my memory seldom failed me.
"Aiden, it's Madison - I need to take out a contract."
