Chapter 12 – Tears and Memories
Kaehlyn wasn't sure how she had made it through the arl's castle. The undead, the revelation that it was the arl's son who was causing it all… It had felt like there had been a part of her watching it all from the outside, guiding her and making sure she didn't fall apart.
Morrigan had disapproved, wanted to know why they should spend time getting help from the Circle when the arlessa had volunteered to be used in the blood mage's ritual. Kaehlyn had wanted to hit the human, no, not just hit, to knock her down to ground, make sure she felt the pain. To yell at her that she had lost her father and she was not about to make a small boy lose his mother. But that little part of her had kept it all back, guided her calmly through the conversations and helped her give the orders.
She had told the repenting blood mage, Jowan, to keep an eye on the boy. Bann Teagan had wanted to throw Jowan back in the dungeon, but Kaehlyn had stopped him. If things went wrong, she had told Bann Teagan, Jowan could stop Connor, or at least slow him down. She had told Jowan that she trusted him. She wasn't actually certain that she did, but it had felt like a good thing to say.
She ordered everyone to leave for the Tower. There was still hours of daylight left, and the sooner they got help the better. She could see Gorim looking at her with worried eyes, and Alistair tried to come and talk to her, but she kept to herself. She couldn't talk, because that little part of her told her that talking would mean breaking down in front of everyone. Breaking down and telling everyone her father was… No. It wasn't the right time. So she ordered them to head towards the Tower and they left.
They travelled fast, but were not even close to the Tower when the sun started to set, so they had to set up camp in the forest. As soon as the fire was set she motioned Hobbes to follow her. She had left her armour and weapons in her tent, but a trained mabari was quite a good weapon in its own right.
"I just… I'm just going for a walk," she said to Leliana, who had been watching her with concern in her eyes throughout the day. The Orlesian wasn't stupid, she knew that something was wrong, and probably would've been willing to listen to her, but talking felt impossible.
Hobbes whined as they walked into the forest. The mabari was good at sensing his mistress' emotions, but now it was slightly confused. His mistress smelled of sadness and pain, but was not showing it to anyone. Hobbes moved closer and looked up at her. There were tears streaming down her face and suddenly she fell to her knees, a quiet wail rising from her throat. Hobbes pushed his head into her lap and she hugged him, almost too tight. But Hobbes didn't mind. His mistress was hurting and he could help.
"He's dead," Kaehlyn muttered, her face buried in the mabari's coat. "My father is dead." Hobbes whined and then tensed as he heard someone approaching. But the approaching figure smelled familiar, so he allowed the male dwarf to come closer.
"My Lady…" Gorim didn't know what else to say and knew he should call her Kaehlyn, but somehow it felt wrong to call her by her name at the moment. Using her name felt so intimate and it made him nervous. He wasn't even sure he should be there, wasn't sure that he should intrude in her sorrow, but Leliana had basically shoved him after Kaehlyn, telling him that something was wrong and he needed to go find her.
"Please," Kaehlyn muttered, not turning to look at him. "Don't look at me. Just…"
"I'm not going to leave you alone," Gorim said, kneeling next to her. "I'm so sorry for your father."
"The stupidest thing is…" Kaehlyn muttered, her head still turned away, "that I knew this. I read his letter and I just… I just knew that he would die soon. He was saying goodbye. And still, when I heard…" Her voice broke and Gorim leaned to touch her, but she pulled away, wiping her face. He was left with his hand wavering in air only inches away from her shoulder. He pulled it back as she turned around, her face almost completely hidden by her blond hair.
"I guess this is the time to tell them," she muttered and the mabari next to her whined. "Now, how do I look?" she asked, pushing her hair back and looking at Gorim.
"You look…" Gorim stared at her. He didn't know where the word 'beautiful' had come from, but he couldn't say that, that wouldn't be right. "You look fine," he said.
"Liar," she said, grinning a little, and wiped her eyes. "Well, I guess I look as good as can be expected from someone who runs into the forest to cry. Let's go."
…
"So, what is it like to be a dwarven princess?" Leliana asked, sitting next to Kaehlyn by the fire. After telling everyone Kaehlyn had expected questions, but there hadn't been many of them. Most of her companions had already gone to bed and they were the only ones left around the fire.
"I'm sorry, that probably came out wrong," Leliana said, smiling apologetically. "I've just heard so many different stories about dwarves and the tangled web of court and politics in Orzammar. And you've lived there in the middle of all that! I can't even begin to imagine what it must be like."
"Dwarven politics is sometimes very bloody, no matter whether you're a man or a woman" Kaehlyn said. "I should know. It's not so much direct confrontations than assassinations and deals made behind closed doors. Sometimes it can feel like there's no one to trust."
"Surely it's not all that bad?" Leliana said and Kaehlyn shook her head. No, there was more. There always was more, and even though a slightest memory of her father made her heart ache, she felt comfortable talking to the human.
"Please, tell me more," Leliana said, huddling into a cosy position. "I've heard that Orzammar is an amazing place."
Kaehlyn smiled and started to talk, telling Leliana about the dangers of the dwarven court, but also of its beauty. She had almost forgotten what it had been like when her mother was alive, but as she talked to the bard, all those happy memories came flooding back. How there'd been parties and how she'd been allowed to run around the Diamond Quarter, much to the dismay of some of the older guards. How her mother had told her stories, not only of the Paragons and the dwarves, but also of the surface. Of course her mother had never been to the surface, but she'd read about it from books and learnt about it from human ambassadors visiting Orzammar. Kaehlyn didn't remember exactly what those stories had been about, but she remembered sitting in her mother's lap, or laying in her bed, holding her toy stuffed nug, until her mother's voice lulled her to sleep.
Leliana smiled and listened and asked her questions, and Kaehlyn felt relaxed for the first time in a long while. They stayed up talking very late, and when Kaehlyn finally retired to her tent, she slept through the rest of the night without any nightmares.
…
Nothing was ever easy, Kaehlyn had come to expect no less. They had travelled fast and reached the dock in Lake Calenhad, where they were supposed to get across the lake to the Tower. However, the
To get over the lake into the Circle Tower they had to bribe a templar controlling the boat. Luckily Sten had some cookies with him. Kaehlyn had made a mental note to ask him why later.
Once they were in the Tower, they found out that it had been overrun by abominations. Kaehlyn had only read a little about them; abominations were not a big concern in Orzammar, where there were no mages, but the horrified looks on the templars' faces told her enough. Then she'd probably had similar expression on her face when Greagoir had told her what the Templars were waiting for.
The Right of Annulment, the right to wipe out every single living thing in the Tower. Why was she constantly presented with options that brought only death? It took some convincing to let Greagoir allow them to venture into the Tower, but Kaehlyn knew it had to be done. She couldn't just let the people trapped inside wait for certain death. And something in the way the templar talked about the mages rubbed her the wrong way. A little like some nobles in Orzammar talked about the lower castes and the casteless.
Morrigan disapproved again, questioning the reason for helping mages who allowed themselves to be caged. Kaehlyn was almost relieved to leave her behind with Wynne's apprentices to look after the children, although she wondered if that constituted as cruelty towards children, and allowed the old mage to guide them through the tower. Endless corridors and stairs until she opened a door, stepped in, came face to face with a demon and… slept. And dreamt.
…
Note from the writer: One of those transition chapters that take forever to write and still is not that good (or to take one step further and quote the Doctor: "extremely very not good"). Next chapter is one that I'm happy with even though it's not even finished yet, so try to hang on until there. And thank you for the faves and story alerts and things, they keep raising the bar for me (which is scary, really scary).
