The duo walked into a small restaurant. A waiter approached them.
"Ermergerd-Lock, welcome. Take a seat," the waiter said, pointing to a table by the window.
"Thanks, bro." Ermergerd-Lock took off his coat and sat down at the table, looking out the window. The waiter skedaddled and Jawn looked at Ermergerd-Lock. "Twenty-two Northumberland Street. Keep your eyes off me and on it."
Jawn looked over at the building across the road and frowned. "He isn't just gonna walk over and ring the doorbell. Like, what do you say? 'Erm, hullo, I'm a serial killer and I believe that there is a woman here who I killed yesterday. Her name is Jennifer? Can I speak with her?'" Jawn asked with a stupid voice. "He isn't mad."
"He has killed four people. He's unpredictable."
At Ermergerd-Lock's words, Jawn frowned. "O…okay, I suppose."
While they watched, someone approached their table. "Ermergerd-Lock," the man said.
Ermergerd-Lock looked over at the man and smiled. They shook hands and the bro winked at Jawn.
"Anything you want on the menu is free for you, Ermergerd-Lock." He put two menus on the table and clapped Ermergerd-Lock on the shoulder. "On the house for you and your date."
Ermergerd-Lock smiled up at the man and looked over at Jawn. "Are you hungry?"
While Ermergerd-Lock flicked through the menu, Jawn frowned. "I'm not his date."
"This man," the bro started, "got me off a murder charge."
"Oh, I'm sorry, so rude. Jawn, this is Angelato. Angelato, this is Jawn Wats-Off," Ermergerd-Lock suddenly said. Angelato and Jawn shook hands. "Three years ago, I proved that at the time of a disgustingly vicious and bloody triple murder, Angelato was in a completely different part of town, robbing an ice-cream shop."
"He cleared my name," Angelato beamed to Jawn.
Ermergerd-Lock frowned. "Well, a bit, I mean, you still got charged for holding up an ice-cream parlor. But, whatever. Now, anything happening opposite?"
"Nothing," Angelato said to Ermergerd-Lock before looking over at Jawn. "But this man, I'd have gone to prison!" Angelato looked over at Ermergerd-Lock again. "I love you, man!"
"Thanks, Angelato. You did go to prison, anyway." Ermergerd-Lock rolled his eyes.
"I'm gonna get you kids a candle for the table," Angelato said to Jawn. "It's more romantic." He winked and walked away.
As he did so, Jawn called out "I'm not his date!" but to no avail. Everyone still thought they were gay.
"Look, you may as well eat. We could be waiting for a while. We never gave a time… should've given a time. We could be here all night. We could never go home. I'm kidding. We'll go home tomorrow at six pm if he doesn't come by soon."
While Ermergerd-Lock babbled on for a bit, Angelato returned with a lit tea-light candle. He put it on the table before giving Jawn a wink and a thumbs up and walking away.
"Yep. Thanks," he all but spat while looking down at the candle.
A little while later, Jawn's food was placed in front of him and he started to eat. There was food all over the table, on his lap, down his shirt and all over his face. Such a messy eater. Ermergerd-Lock was mildly embarrassed.
"Perjrnjgeejbk dfbnkzblzaxfbjkgfvfz," Jawn said, his mouth full of food.
"I'm sorry?" Ermergerd-Lock asked with a pretentious look, looking down his nose at the feral mess that was Jawn Wats-Off.
He swallowed the food and spoke again. "In real life, there are no such things as arch-enemies. It doesn't happen."
"That's a shame. Awfully dull."
"In that case, who did I meet?"
"What do real people have in their so called 'real lives'?" Ermergerd-Lock asked, drumming his fingers on the table, staring out the window at the building across the road.
"I dunno. Friends, acquaintances, people they like, people they don't, girlfriends, boyfriends, fiancés, wives, husbands, partners, parents, family, stuff like that, I guess."
"Dull."
This was his chance. This was Jawn's chance to find out about Ermergerd-Lock's relationship status. After Ermergerd-Lock was looking at Jennifer's jewellry, he wanted to find out if there was another reason besides the case at hand. Thinking on it now, it was a silly thing to say but he was too close to asking that it couldn't not be asked. "So you don't have a girlfriend?"
"Girlfriend? No, not my area, TBH."
Jawn frowned at the answer. "Mm…" not the answer he though. But then another thought hit him. Not his area? Did that mean…? "D'you have a boyfriend?" The detective's eyebrows furrowed and he gave Jawn a sharp look. "Which is cool, by the way."
"I know it's cool. I know there is nothing wrong or humiliating about sexual orientation." He still gave Jawn a sharp look.
Jawn gave a smile, hoping Ermergerd-Lock would take it as a peace offering. "So you've got a boyfriend?"
"No," Ermergerd-Lock sighed, very annoyed. Why was this man asking him questions about his love life? It's absurd.
The doctor sighed. Did he just dig himself an awkward hole? "Right. Okay. You're unattached like me." He looked down at his plate, feeling awkward, awkward, awkward, awkward! "Fine. Good."
He started to eat again and Ermergerd-Lock frowned. He looked back out the window and felt awkward himself. He looked over at Jawn, babbling out: "Jawn, um, you should know that I'm pretty much married to my job. Like, thanks for your interest, but I'm not looking for anything… ya know…"
Jawn blushed at Ermergerd-Lock's statement. "No. No, not at all. I'm not asking to- no. I just- I'm just saying, it's all cool. Whatever floats your boat. Just wanted a heads up for what I might expect when living on Baker Street."
As Jawn looked down to his food, Emergerd-Lock nodded. "Kay." He looked out the window again and frowned. "Hang on a diddly-darn second! Look across the street. There's a taxi." Jawn looked out at the taxi parked on the side of the street, the boot pointing towards the restaurant. "It's stopped. No-one getting in, no-one getting out."
"Like Wonka's chocolate factory," Jawn muttered to himself.
Emergerd-Lock ignored the stupid observations. He could see a male passenger looking through the windows, as if looking for someone in particular. "Why a taxi? Is that clever?"
"That's him?" Jawn asked. Ermergerd-Lock looked away from the cab and back at Jawn.
"Don't stare. It's rude," he muttered before kicking the doctor under the table.
"Ow! You're staring!"
"We can't both stare! That's so suspicious! What the hell, Jawn?!" he whispered, furiously. Ermergerd-Lock stood up and put his coat and scarf back on. They both walked outside, Jawn pulling his jacket on as they walked out the door. Ermergerd-Lock kept his eyes fixed on the cab. The passenger looked out the back window and locked eyes with Ermergerd-Lock. A second later, he turned back to the front and the cab took off. "Mother of GOD!" Ermergerd-Lock exclaimed and began to run after the cab, ignoring the traffic on the road, like the bus and the truck that were coming straight at him from opposite sides of the road.
The driver of both the bus and the truck slammed on their brakes and Jawn ran after Ermergerd-Lock, yelling apologies as he ran. They ran up the road before stopping, realising they couldn't catch the cab.
"I got the cab number," Jawn reassured Ermergerd-Lock.
"Woopdee-fucking-doo," Ermergerd-Lock replied. He started to think about how to catch up with the cab, thinking about the problems the cab would get on the way. Ermergerd-Lock is kinda magic. "Right turn, one way, road works, traffic lights, bus lane, pedestrian crossing, turn left only, traffic lights. Right, alternative route, let's go!"
