I wrote stuff! Stuff is gud! Now I'm off, to play vidya, and learn to draw stuff!

Hope you enjoy my stuff!~


As expected, Zaimokuza is keen on showing us his dance moves.

"…-Yukinoshita? let's just stop there for now. Dude is like, totally, completely, undeniably outta it." The sight before me was…agonizing, to say the least. Overreactions aside, Zaimokuza looked like he had had his soul sucked out by a vacuum cleaner, his face spotting a bland, dumbfounded smile rivals that of an asylum patient as tears pour out from his eyes.

As expected, Yukinoshita Yukino's criticisms were brutal.

"Indeed. My words will only fall on deaf ear if I choose to continue." Yukinoshita sighed. "How feeble."

"You are one to speak." I chided. "Oi pinkie, you done?"

"Huh?" Yuigahama replied absentmindedly, her eyes still glued to her phone screen.

"The novel, Yui." I facepalmed. "If you have anything nice to say, then spit it out: Zaimokuza is looking more and more like a dead fish by the second here."

"Mhmmmm…" Yuigahama put down her phone and looked up just in time to see Zaimokuza facing her with a pleading expression. She probably saw that and pitied the poor fellow, so she seemed to try and think of some compliment she could pay him. She fell into thought while staring off into the air and summoned up a few words of encouragement. With a triumphant "A-ha!", Yuigahama turned toward Zaimokuza, a bright, warm, encouraging smile on her face.

Oh no.

"You sure know a lot of tough words, Zaimokuza-kun!"

And thus, Zaimokuza howl, an anguish wailing that sound like something between a cat's mating call and a bull being castrated, as if in mourning of his hope and dream, trampled into dust not by icy harsh words nor cruel machination, but by a warm smile and an honest compliment.

"Why are you looking at me like that, Hikki? Are you thinking something stupid again? A-and why you too Yukinoshita?! Is there something on my face? " Yuigahama went into a small panic under our collective gaze. I slowly turn to look at Yukinoshita: with her mouth agape, sweat pouring out from her forehead, she looks just as surprised and…horrified as I am. Our eyes again met in a split second, and we reached yet another conclusion in record time:

That girl is dangerous.

I shook my head a few times to get my bearing back, and before I knew it, I was already chuckling heartily as the sheer absurdity of the situation, only pause to pour out some coffee for Zaimokuza, who accepted the drink with the reverence fit for a man dying of dehydration.

"Here, drink it slowly." I instructed Zaimokuza. "Savor the taste. It will give you strength. Not the strength you deserve, but the strength you need." I stood up and sauntered toward the empty seat before him: Yukinoshita had long returned to her usual spot, her task completed and her need of cute cats' video satisfied by your truly.

…She really would use all of my phone's battery at this rate.

"G-gnnghh… H-Hachiman. You…you understand me, right? The world I created, this vast landscape of light novel magnificence… You understand it, right? You understand this profound story I spun and all these other fools cannot hope to appreciate… Right?" Zaimokuza pleaded, the arrogant fire in his eyes replaced with a madden desperation for validation. Struck with a sight like that, I couldn't help but nod reassuringly towards him.

"It will be fine."

"H-Hachiman…" Zaimokuza looked at me with eyes of absolute trust…

…As I took the empty cup out of his hand, fill it to the brim with coffee and hand it backs to him.

"…Huh?"

"Think of this as…mhm, the final boss's generosity. You know how there is always a save point and a bunch of supplies just before the big bad boss room? Because you are going to need all of it." I flashed him a toothy grin, and my heart spiked with undeniable joy as his shivering get worse.

"H-huh?!"

"Didn't you forget it already, Zaimokuza? Me warning you that I am probably going to be harsher than the peeps online and all that stuff?"

"B-but…You…my sworn comrade…"

"Mhm, indeed, thank you for pointing out yet another convenient excuse to get even harsher!"

"N-no…"

"Face it, Zaimokuza. We are both demons now. Prisoners of our own making. You. Me. We have no place to run, nowhere to hide. So bottom up." I chuckled, pour myself a cup of the now lukewarm coffee and raise it towards his face. "I promise I won't scatter your sorrow to the heartless sea."

With a shaky motion befits a newborn deer, Zaimokuza clinked his paper cup with mine, and we both empty our drinks in one fell gulp.

"This is good…isn't it?" Oh boys, how I would kill for a cigar and a lighter right now.

"…Hachiman…" By the look of it, my effort wasn`t in vain: The fire of life, little by little, was coming back to Zaimokuza, as he regarded me with eyes filled with determination.

"Can you start already?" …And then, as expected, Yukinoshita chimed in and destroyed the mood I worked so hard to build in just one sentence.

"Hush and go back to binge-watching cat videos, you silly little thing! I'm busy conditioning- I mean, restoring-his psyche here!"

"Your phone has no battery left." Yukinoshita said matter-of-factly. "And you took too long. I fully expected to see Zaimokuza writhing on the floor like a dying fish by now."

"That is exactly what I am trying to prevent here! It isn't exactly easy to undo what you and pinkie did, y'know?!" I spat out and spared a glance at Zaimokuza, who weakly nod back to me. "But eh, whatever. He's good now. Not good enough to withstand everything I am going to say, but hopefully long enough to get the gist of what I want to convey." I gave a long sigh and started concentrating on my words.

"You know, Zaimokuza. Despite everything, I really don't want to do this. I mean, Yukinoshita had criticized you aplenty already. But even though the topics she raised are valid, almost all of them are superficial. She shits on your grammar, your words choice, your useless, pointless exposition scenes that served nothing but to stroke your ego, et cetera." I pause and take a deep breath. "All fixable stuffs. In fact, a decent editor, provided you have one and are willing to work with one, can rectify all of these problems." I looked into Zaimokuza's eyes. "Initially, I really was planning to be just as harsh as I shown you, but since we don't really have much time left and you aren't fit ta learn the proper meaning of a beatdown, I am going to be reasonable and ask you only three simple, easy to answer questions."

"O-only three?"

"Only three." I nodded. "First thing first, Zaimokuza, could you please tell me what is your light novel about?"

"Easy! It is about a boy named Kaimozuka who suddenly awakened to his hidden powers and-"

"-No no no no no, Zaimokuza, I am not asking you to recite the plot. I am asking you what is this about. I am asking you to go elbow deep into the story's most tenderest of orifices and see for yourself what truly lies at the heart of the beast. It could be mundane. It could be profound. But it must be there. If you're just phoning it in, wandering aimlessly through the narrative without purpose, the audience is going to feel that. The audience can smell confusion the way that dogs can smell fear and sharks can smell blood." I paused. "Unless that's your theme."

"…Okay?"

"I can see that you are confused, Zaimokuza, so I will repeat my question again: what is this all about?"

"It is about…uhm…if you are determined to do something, you can do it?"

"See, not that hard, isn't it?" I smiled and slapped Zaimokuza on the shoulder. "Onto the next question: If, hypothetically, your protagonist is facing off against a side-antagonist, who he knows is very, very dangerous and could potentially down him in just one shot. Fortunately, he had a sure-kill technique, one that is guaranteed to work on this particular enemy, one that isn't forbidden, dangerous to himself, or made him a big target like his other sure kill techniques. What would he do? In fact, what would YOU do in that situation?"

"Of course I would blast my opponent down with the safe, guaranteed sure kill technique! Who do you think I am to take needless risks?"

"Sure you do, pal. But lookie: in this scene here-" I flipped open the draft and turned it towards him."-Your protagonist do the exact opposite. He takes needless risks, he taunts his enemy, he got beaten to an inch of his life…"

"B-but the second heroine do jump out to save him though!"

"…Just like how I am going to pull a gun outta my ass." I sneered.

"Well, how could I introduce the heroine otherwise?!"

"Then don't. There will be plenty of other opportunity to do so. I don't care if your plot is about as straight as a rabbit's digestive tract or as convoluted as a creationist's sermon, but it must make sense. Anticipate that your readers are going to be intelligent and will be able to smell mayhem and foolishness from a mile away." I glanced at Yukinoshita. "…And ten miles away for her."

"Hmhp." Yukinoshita harrumphed indignantly.

"All I want to say is that, y'know, there is a lot of thing you can sacrifice in the name of a theme, a good story. Grammar, plot point, exposition, backstory, your darling…the list goes on and on. But there are 2 things you shouldn't throw out of the windows unless you know exactly what you are doing, Zaimokuza: Logic-"

"…And clarity."

"Exactly, Yukinoshita. Still, no offense, but I'd like to ask you to…well, refrain from commenting, since I doubt he is in any condition to take both of us at once."

"None taken." Yukinoshita cast a rare glance of pity toward Zaimokuza and sighed. "Unlike you, I gain no joy from tormenting people."

"So spoke the Ice queen." I snorted.

"What about me?!" Yuigahama, who apparently had gotten bored of her phone, chimed in innocently…

…As Zaimokuza shivered uncontrollably immediately after.

"Please don't." x2

"Ehhhh?!"

"…Yukinoshita, would you be a dear and…contain Yuigahama?"

"Don't tell me what to do, Hikigaya." She scoffed and then gave a long sigh. "But admittedly, that would be the best course of action, it seems."

"Don't talk like I am some sort of natural disaster!"

"Oi, Zaimokuza. Focus. Eyes on me." I snapped my fingers toward Zaimokuza, who looked like he was going to relapse back into being a screaming mess any seconds now. "This is the last question, y'know? The final one. You will be free after this."

"F-free…"

"After this question, yes." I reassured him and put out my best honest-salesman smile, then took one deep breath and spoke in the kindest voice possible:

"Who did you rip off and why?"

-Zaimokuza writhed back and forth on the floor like a dying fish for 5 whole minutes before I managed to pacify him.