Superheroes, by definition, get tons of publicity, and this publicity accumulates enormous numbers of adoring, screaming fans, who're mostly twelve year old girls. The poor Pepper Potts, then, is charged with handling interview requests and the like. She, naturally, tries to evade the press as much as she possibly can manage, because as soon as an Avenger opens their mouth on public television, something terrible is going to happen. Unfortunately, even Pepper can't always fight the reporters off, or the talk show hosts as the case may be. So today, the Avengers had been invited to be interviewed on the Ellen show, by Ellen DeGeneres herself. Pepper would accompany them, to be sure they didn't get sued, and to be sure they didn't kill anyone.
The Avengers, plus Natasha and Clint, all decided it'd be a good idea to dress up for the show, naturally, so Bruce painted himself green. Steve was dressed in an ironically Uncle Sam esque outfit with enough spangling to permanently blind fashionistas all over the world with it's pure and unadulterated tackiness. Natasha was wearing a clear, like, completely transparent, cocktail dress with lingerie instead of underwear. Clint was wearing overalls. Tony Stark just wore his iron man suit, and Thor was dressed as a cow. Pepper had decided on a professional outfit, western business attire.
All seven of them met on the main floor of the Stark Mansion.
"Are you people kidding me? With your millions of dollars, besides Natasha and Clint, this is what you all decided to wear?" Pepper demanded like the kill-joy she was.
"We're trying to make a statement Pepper, like Lady Gaga or Ke$ha. We've gotta be unique if we want to stand out among the crowd of legendary superheroes these days," Natasha explained frankly. Pepper pursed her lips.
"Making a statement is not the same as ruining your names and my name and getting yourselves sent to an insane asylum in Cuba. Where did you get that crack whore outfit anyway?" she demanded. Natasha beamed with pride.
"I made it out of the cellophane people throw out with their food. I probably saved, like, ten turtles just with this outfit. I also used cigarette butts and crystal meth to make the plastic stick together."
Clint smiled and nodded.
"That's very resourceful Natasha. What a great way to use crystal meth. I never would've thought of that-"
"Oh my god Clint, shut up. You are such a loser," Bruce moaned. Pepper rolled her eyes and motioned for them all to follow her. Never before had a single group of people gotten so many wayward stares from strangers on the street.
Soon they were at the airport, checking through security. Tony went first and set off a cacophony of alarms with his suit. Natasha tried to stick her tongue in the wander's mouth, and would leave until the poor woman surrendered her phone number. Steve had a brief spell of claustrophobia and passed out when a great big sweaty professional card collector hugged him and wouldn't let go.
Finally the seven of them got on the plane. Natasha opted to sit next to Pepper under the one condition that Pepper got to sit in the aisle seat.
"Pepper, you know what'd be really hot?" the Black Widow asked after two hours of irritating questions. Pepper groaned.
"What?"
"If you and I went and had sex in the bathroom."
"Yeah. You said that."
"But you agree right?"
"Yeah, hot enough to be in every porno ever made."
"So you wanna-"
"No Natasha, I do not want to fuck you in the airplane bathroom."
The mother with a seven year old in front of the two bickering women turned around and glared at them.
"Could you two keep it down? There are children on this plane," she hissed under her breath.
"It's nature lady, people have sex sometimes. If your stupid fucking kid doesn't know that by now then he's probably got downs."
The woman's jaw unhinged at Pepper's words, but before she could say anything in response, Natasha spit on her face. She turned around and didn't speak again for the rest of the flight. Pepper even cracked a smile at this, but it disappeared quickly after Natasha, not so inconspicuously grabbed her thigh.
"Hey Pepper," Tony whispered unfortunately loudly across the aisle. Pepper looked at him, completely unamused.
"What?" she demanded. He and Bruce snickered devilishly.
"What's old, wrinkled, long nosed, bug eyed, and saggy boobed?" the man asked. Pepper sighed.
"A Canadian?"
Bruce and Tony burst out laughing. Finally, after a few straight minutes, the Iron Man caught his breath and shook his head.
"Nope. You!" and they took to guffawing again. Pepper rolled her eyes and sunk deeper into her seat, praying for the end of the flight or a swift and painless death, one of the two.
When they arrived, the plane was late so they had to rush to the studio. Then all seven of them managed not to kill anyone until it was time for them to go on stage. They filed on, smiling and waving to a crowd that cheered until it noticed the heroes' peculiar attire. Ellen herself seemed a bit shocked as well but she kept her cool and hugged all of them in turn as they sat down, Natasha hugging a bit low on the famous comedian's back.
"So, I can't believe I have all the Avengers right here on my show at the same time. How was your flight?" Ellen asked them. Pepper had made sure that none of the Avengers would speak unless directly asked a question, so she answered for them.
"It was great, very relaxing. Thank you for asking Ms. Ellen," she lied. The host looked at Pepper like she was a psychopath.
"Um, that's great, but I asked the Avengers how their flight was, not you," she stated frankly. Pepper narrowed her eyes at the woman.
"Yes, I know that. I am the Avenger's manager, and I answer questions for them."
"Why?"
"Because they all have horrible stage fright-"
"No we don't Pepper. You said it was because we'd embarrass you and get you sued," Clint countered. Pepper sighed in frustration as the audience executed it's artificial laughter.
"How about I ask the Avengers a few questions? How did it feel to save the world from that horrid Norse god?" Ellen asked.
"Well Ellen, I'm glad you asked that, because it was horrible. We worked our asses of to save a bunch of dicks like you people. Tony almost died up in that freaky worm hole shit, and you know how many people said thank you? Two people. My mom, and Nick Fury," Natasha griped. Thor nodded.
"AND THAT NORSE GOD IS MY BROTHER AND HIS NAME IS LOKI AND HOW DARE YOU MORTALS SPEAK OF HIM LIKE THAT?" the man demanded.
"I mean, yeah, we've got fans, but what do they do for us? At least Justin Bieber's fans cut themselves for him. I haven't gotten a single picture of naked boobs since we saved the world. That's pathetic," Bruce agreed.
"I hate Martin Luther King Junior," Steve announced after a moment of silence.
"And I like Hitler," Tony declared.
"I'm homeless, and addicted to crack, and an alcoholic, and I once ate a cat and now I think I have rabies."
As everyone let this information soak in, Pepper sat up in her seat and looked at all the Avengers and then at Ellen.
"What else do you want to know?" poor Pepper Potts pondered politely.
There you are, sorry for the wait.
