Two chapters for the price of one! I decided since the remainder wasn't particularly long that it would be cruel to make you guys wait until tomorrow for the epilogue. Further notes at the end of the fic!
Title: Ash on the windowsill
Rating: PG-13.
Pairing: Kurogane x Fai
Summary: AU. It's the end of the world, and Fai is still keeping secrets.
Warnings: this fic contains mentions of child abuse, some (minor) character death and some quite probably inaccurate medical jargon.
Other notes: This fic is complete - I will be posting a new chapter every day as I go through and edit it.
Fai woke to a cacophony of noise surrounding him on all sides, so much so it seemed quite overwhelming. He angled his face to one side, burrowing into his pillow, trying to tip it over his head to drown out the noise, but that just served to make everything louder.
"Fai - Fai, can you hear me? Are you alright?"
"Where have you been?"
"Fai, are you alright? Fai, answer me!"
Finally a voice that sounded kind of familiar snapped, "All of you, get out and stop harassing my patient! Not you, Kurogane."
There was a lot of complaining as people left. Fai used the time to cautiously stretch out his fingers and toes, open his eyes... ah. "Kuro-sama?" he said, quietly. "Are you there?"
A rustle of cloth. "Yeah, I'm here. You're in the clinic, first treatment room. Subaru is here with me."
Fai swallowed heavily. "We're alive."
Kurogane grunted. "They took the best and brightest at the College, huh?" he said, and it was so Kurogane that Fai couldn't keep from smiling.
"Fai?" That was Subaru. "How do you feel?"
Fai thought about it. "Stiff, sore. I can't see. Is there something wrong with my eyes?"
"I..." He heard the hesitation in Subaru's voice, the unsurety. "I don't know. Yes. We don't know if it's permanent."
Fai thought of the flash of light as he destroyed the crystal, so brilliant and so blinding, and swallowed again. His throat was very dry. "Okay," he said, in a low voice.
"Could be worse," Kurogane said, deliberately casual. "Could be dead."
It was so true it made Fai smile despite himself. "How did we get back here?"
"A witch did it," Kurogane replied, and Fai furrowed his eyebrows. "I'll tell you about it later, idiot."
"You were both pretty banged up," Subaru said, absently, and there was the sound of turning pages, the scratching of a pen. "Kurogane worse than you. I'll want to talk with you both in a bit, but for now, get some rest. You were gone for a few weeks. I'll send Sakura in later with something to eat."
"Sakura?"
"Yeah," said Subaru. There was a kind of tightness to his voice when he said, "I needed an assistant. But like I said, we'll get around to it. I'll leave you two alone for now."
"You do that," Kurogane said, and Fai listened carefully for the sound of Subaru's footsteps, retreating across the floor - the swing and click of a door.
"He's angry with me," he said, miserably.
"Yeah," Kurogane agreed. "You'll deal with it. He won't be the only one. They were worried about you."
To his surprise Fai felt Kurogane's hand touch his forearm, thick fighter's fingers curling around his wrist. Carefully he put his hand atop Kurogane's larger one. "Thank you."
"It's fine," Kurogane said, and then in a casual voice, like it wasn't a big deal at all, "I saw your brother."
"What?"
And so Kurogane explained about the Witch, what she'd said. He hesitated over the matter of the deal Fai had struck with her, but Fai was hardly paying attention; he raised his free hand, ghosting over the bulky bandages covering his eyes like a blindfold, and pressed his fingertips to his forehead. If he tried he could imagine the spot Fai must have kissed him, and his heart pounded in his chest, the blood whirring in his eyes with the speed of it.
I love you.
Five years. His spirit had waited five years just to do that, to say goodbye. Fai sucked in a breath, let it go with a shuddering hitch, and to his surprise, Kurogane stopped talking, squeezing his wrist gently. "I'm sorry," he said, feeling tears well up, small and not entirely sad behind the bandages.
"Idiot," said Kurogane. He sounded uncomfortable, but by now Fai knew the inflections of his voice and recognised this for uncomfortable-with-himself, not uncomfortable-because-of-Fai. "It's okay to cry. You know... Tears aren't always a bad thing."
And Fai felt his breath hitch even as his grief rose in his throat; but it wasn't just grief, not any more. Love and gratitude and pure, simple happiness closed his throat as much as mourning. Kurogane tched and tugged him close, pulling him down to that his head rested against the man's shoulder like that night in the cave, and he dug his fingernails into Kurogane's jacket and cried into the man's shoulder, letting his emotions finally have their way with him for the first time in five long, miserable years.
Kurogane didn't say anything; didn't even bother with the ridiculous shush or there there. It wasn't his way. He was just there, solid, like a rock Fai could lean against, and he didn't move away once Fai had cried himself out. They sat there, like that, in the treatment room Fai couldn't see, Kurogane warm and unyielding against his cheek.
When the door clicked open Fai resisted his initial urge to flinch away, to sit bolt upright and paste a smile on his face, some stupid Nothing to see here! expression that never had fooled Kurogane. Instead he shifted and said, in a hoarse, tired voice, "Who is it?"
"Um, it's me," Sakura said, apologetically. "I brought some stew from Yuki. He wants to come by later, if you're feeling well enough."
Her shoes clicker-clacked across the floor, and Fai felt Kurogane shift to take it from her. "Don't," he said. "I need to... I'll cope. Put it on the bedside table please, Sakura. Can you... can you pass me the spoon?"
"It's here," Sakura said, and gently placed the spoon in his hand. Her fingers lingered over his. "Are you okay, doctor?"
"I wasn't," Fai said. "I think I'm getting better now. Show me where the bowl is?"
She directed him with the faintest touch on his hand, guiding him to sit upright, and showed him where the bowl was. Fai ate quickly, feeling Kurogane's hand heavy and affirming on the small of his back. The man was silent, perhaps appreciating how important it was that Fai do this. "It's good," he said, and then, quietly, "Tell Yukito thank you."
Sakura hesitated. "You can tell him yourself when he stops by, doctor," she said. "He was really worried for you. Touya was, too, but Touya has weird ways of showing it."
"What are you looking at me like that for?" Kurogane growled, and Sakura giggled.
"Lots of people want to speak with you," she said. "I'll try to keep most of them out. But I have to let a few in, so they can spread the word that you're okay. Are you well enough to receive the first person now?"
Fai licked his lips and nodded, and said, in a drained voice, "Kuro-chan, if I ask you to leave, will you?"
"Yeah," Kurogane said. "You want me to go?"
"No. Not yet. Maybe."
The first visitor was Kazuhiko, who sat in a chair somewhere at the foot of the bed and asked after Fai's health. He talked about Ora's funeral, about how he had missed Fai's presence there, and then said, simply, "She would be happy to know you're back. Tell me, do you feel better?"
"Yes," Fai said. He touched his blindfold. "Kazuhiko, I'm sorry -"
"It's alright," Kazuhiko said softly. "You had your reasons. Are you going to be staying?"
Fai nodded, and that seemed to be enough for him.
After him was Tomoyo, who gave him a blindfold she had embroidered out of silk cloth and said, in a serene sort of voice, that she had known that he would be returning. "I'm glad you're better," she said. "Tell me, did Kurogane tell you what his mother told him?"
Kurogane growled. "I forgot, okay? Fuck."
"What did your mother tell you?" Fai asked, confused, and Kurogane made a noise like a pot bubbling over; low and growly.
"She said that magic has a voice," he said. "She said... fuck, it was a long time ago - she said there were certain kinds of people who had an easier time listening to the magic. You can tell them by their eyes." He hesitated and added, "The witch had red eyes too."
"That would have been great to know during the fight, Kuro-slow, Fai said, sharply, and Kurogane grumbled and Tomoyo giggled.
"Dear Kurogane," she said, and somehow even without eyes Fai could see the fond expression on her face. "Whatever are we to do with you?"
"He's hopeless," Fai agreed, and she made a noise of understanding, and Kurogane blustered and snapped a lot, and all in all by the time she left Fai was smiling and his chest felt warm. Tomoyo could have that affect on people, maybe. Or maybe it was just on him and on Kurogane.
There was a break after Tomoyo's visit; Sakura poked her head in and made Fai have a short nap. He would have protested, but Kurogane snorted and shifted up on the bed next to him, and he ended up curling against Kurogane's side, face resting on one of those strong arms, Kurogane's body heat blazing and relaxing, the man himself smelling somehow clean, and though he had only meant to indulge the young nurse, he ended up dozing off, Kurogane beside him so strong and calm.
He woke up when Yukito and Touya slipped in, and he didn't need them to be introduced or to hear their voices to know who they were. There was something about the pattern of their steps.
"Good afternoon, Fai," Yukito said. A chair scraped, coming closer to the bed; Kurogane stroked a hand down Fai's spine, reassuring and steady, and then got up. Fai waited until he heard the door click behind him before turning his head toward the chair scrape noise, trying to sum up his courage.
"Yuki," Fai said, and then hesitantly unsure of his position, changed it to, "Yukito -"
"Yuki is fine," Yukito said. Fai could hear his smile in his voice. "How are you feeling?"
"Sore," Fai said.
"Hmph," Touya said.
Fai took a deep breath. He'd been thinking about this moment since he'd woken up. "I'm sorry," he said. "I shouldn't have been keeping secrets from you. At the same time, the manner of the trade I was practising demands medic-patient confidentiality for a number of reasons, not least of which is to preserve the trust between the patient and their healer. Yukito was worried about his place in the society, and I feel that in that case, keeping it a secret was the right option... but I should have tried to convince him to tell you. I... did not deserve the trust I was given. And I'm sorry."
"It's alright," Yukito said. "I'll -"
"It's not alright, Yuki," Touya said. "It was a stupid, lazy thing to do. But... I don't think you were trying to hurt anyone."
Fai didn't see anything, and after a while Touya sighed. "We've been talking about it a lot, while you've been gone," he said. "What constitutes 'contributing' to society. And we decided that it's the mind that matters, and that if it's occasionally let down by the body, that's the job of those with better bodies to help out. But I understand why you and Yuki were... concerned.
"Don't get me wrong, I think you were an idiot. But at least you weren't a malicious idiot, and Yuki is still here, so... it's okay, I guess. For now. Don't do it again."
"Never," Fai said, in a soft voice, and Touya grunted.
"And I guess... I guess I probably shouldn't've yelled at you."
"To-ya," Yukito said.
"Okay. I shouldn't've yelled at you. Whatever."
"Like pulling teeth," Yukito remarked, and Fai looked away, his heart in his throat. It was that easy? After all he'd done... "Fai," Yukito said, soft and stern. "You take too much on yourself. It was my decision. Not yours. Although To-ya has a hard time expressing himself -"
"Hey - "
"He was afraid, and frightened people do things they don't mean. I'm sorry. We're sorry."
"What Yuki said," Touya grumbled. His boots scraped over the floor as he resumed his pacing.
For a moment Fai couldn't speak; there was a strange feeling in his chest, like his ribs were too small to contain everything inside him. It took a while for the feeling to ebb away, but neither Yukito nor Touya demanded he speak, and eventually he quelled it and said, in a hoarse, quiet voice that sounded barely his own, "I don't deserve you. Thank you."
"You do deserve us," Yukito said firmly. "You'll see."
They stayed for a while after that, Fai and Yukito talking together in low voices; Yukito was full of news, some exciting, some worrying, some good. He talked about Ora's funeral, about the crops in their neat rows, about how Kusunagi and Yuzuriha were slogging out to the log cabin Kurogane said he'd left the bike in and then driving straight out on another trip. He talked about Saiga's homegrown herbs, putting just enough inflection on the word that Fai smiled despite himself; and he talked of the hunters and the people. He saved the biggest news for after Kurogane had returned, with a bottle of water for Fai.
"Arashi's pregnant," he said happily, and Fai exclaimed in soft wonder. It was the first one in five years, the first one in the village. People had held off, waiting for some better day, and maybe now they were beginning to realise these were the better days.
"Hope it takes after her and not that moron she married," Kurogane said, and Touya snorted in agreement. Still, Fai couldn't keep the smile off his face after they'd left.
"I wonder if it'll be a boy or a girl," he said, as Kurogane came to sit down next to him. "Oh - not that it matters, it's great news either way."
"Mmm," Kurogane said. "Won't you be looking after her? You don't necessarily need eyes to do like, diagnosis work, work?"
"Kind of," Fai said, frowning. "It's difficult to, say, diagnose a rash based on nothing but a vague description of the symptoms. But... yes. I should be able to go back to my job." He paused. "I want to get back to my job, even if I can't do as much as I could before. I'm kind of looking forward to it."
"Good," Kurogane said. "While you and the teacher were rabbiting away, I found this."
There was the round of rustling papers, and Fai bit his lip, curious. In a steady, even voice, Kurogane read, "The Physician's Oath. This is the thing you guys are supposed to swear when you graduate, right?"
"You just found that? Where?"
"In one of the textbooks," Kurogane said. "I asked the girl to help me find it. I thought..."
He trailed off, and Fai felt suddenly like he hadn't felt since Fai had died; cherished, and so happy that he had no words to describe it. This man was making him feel that way, with his gruff demeaner and his quiet, careful thoughtfulness. "I never swore it," he said softly. "I..."
"Do you want to?" Kurogane asked, bluntly. "If you're going to be the village physician again -"
"Yes," Fai said. "I'll swear it. Now. Here. To you, and to everyone who isn't in this room. I... I want to accept some responsibility, Kuro-sama."
He didn't know how he knew Kurogane was smiling, but he was. And when Kurogane leaned forward and bumped his mouth against Fai's forehead, something that was neither a kiss nor a nuzzle but somewhere in between, it just made him smile back. Kurogane leaned away, and his voice was all business when he said, "Okay. Repeat after me: I swear to fulfill, to the best of my ability and judgment, this covenant..."
Fai followed him, keeping his voice even and steady as he repeated the words after Kurogane. And when he finished, trailing off on the words, "may I long experience the joy of healing those who seek my help," he felt, for the first time, whole and happy in his skin.
"I love you," he said. It was the easiest and hardest thing he'd ever said, so simple and so complicated. He didn't expect an answer, but Kurogane scoffed and shifted, the mattress springs creaking under his weight, and bent his head to slip a hand around the back of Fai's neck.
"You too," he said, and kissed Fai - not harsh and biting, like he'd tried in that cave, but soft and gentle, the way Fai liked it. His lips were rough and chapped, and frankly he tasted like bad morning breath, but there were no words for how little Fai cared about of that.
For a while there was nothing but kissing, Fai documenting the taste of Kurogane's mouth, the sharp points of his teeth, how unsure he was with his tongue. Kurogane let the paper go - it dropped down onto Fai's lap between them - and caught Fai's face between his palms, Fai's cheeks resting in his strong grip. His touch was surprisingly gentle, and in his hands, Fai felt safe.
When the door clicked they parted, but only reluctantly. "How many more people are you letting in?" Kurogane growled, then faltered.
"Just me," Subaru said. "Fai, if you have a second?"
"Yeah," Fai said. He touched Kurogane's arm gently, following his... lover? Companion's? skin down, the pulse of veins until he found Kurogane's wrist. He tapped his fingers lightly there, against the soft skin on its inside, and said, "Kuro-sama, if you could leave us for a second?"
"Yeah," Kurogane said, climbing off the bed, and the door closed behind him.
"Welcome back," Subaru said, quietly shifting the chair Yukito had used earlier. It creaked as he settled himself into it. "I'm sorry about your eyes."
"Please don't apologise to me," Fai said. "It wasn't fair of me to leave you. I'm sorry, Subaru."
"Kurogane told me something of what happened," Subaru said. "I - I didn't know you were a twin."
Fai licked his lips, looked away. "Was."
"I was a twin too, once," Subaru said, and there was an old, heavy grief in his voice that Fai knew well. Suddenly he felt foolish, like he'd missed something obvious, and he reached out on reflex; survivors, the last one standing of a unit. he touched the bag of Subaru's hand, but Subaru didn't respond, either to draw it away or to clasp it in sightless reassurance. Instead, in his quiet, sad voice, he said, "I wonder - I wondered, for a while, after we had you back - if maybe I was somehow to blame. If by not telling you I made you feel more alienated."
"No," Fai said, immediately. "No, Subaru, this wasn't your fault, it's..." He sighed. "It was complicated."
"These things usually are." Without his eyes Fai had nothing to rely on but Subaru's tone; but he could hear the way the young man sighed, shifting in his seat. "I think perhaps we both have been keeping secrets," Subaru continued carefully, "Under the misapprehension that this somehow makes them go away. Makes them hurt less."
Oh, Fai thought with sudden dawning realisation. This too was a kind of healing. Talking things over, talking them out, was cathartic - was good. He hadn't known that for so long. "Subaru," he said, foregoing the usual suffix and keeping his tone soft and kind, "I'm not going anywhere anymore. I... I still want to stay here and I want to do what I did before. I'm sorry for dumping all that responsibility on you. It was unfair of me. It's okay to be angry."
Subaru let out a soft heh. "I'm glad to hear it," he said. "But I'm not mad anymore. I was, but... I've been sleeping better, Fai, and I've stopped having so many nightmares. I think... I think maybe this is helping. I have a purpose. I haven't even smoked for three days. Kamui worries that I've been possessed."
After a pause he added, "You can't have your old room here back. But I think Kurogane will take you in, if you ask."
"I'll do that," Fai said warmly, and heard Subaru breath out, steadily. The moment stretched out; Fai imagined the high-up windows. Was it daylight? Dusk? Nightfall? Was there light streaming in through the glass, or nothing but the oil lanterns? "When is it?"
"Ten-thirty in the evening," Subaru said, obviously checking his watch. "It's pitch-black out there. Why?"
"I... I can't tell. I was just wondering." He looked away. "Will you tell me about your twin?"
A pause, and then Subaru said, in a very soft sort of voice, "Why do you ask?"
Fai could answer that. He said, "I just swore an oath regarding patient treatment. It had a line in it I think is highly relevant. WOuld you like to hear it?" He waited for Subaru's soft noise of assent before continuing, "The line in question says, 'I will remember that there is art to medicine as well as science, and that warmth, sympathy, and understanding may outweigh the surgeon's knife or the chemist's drug.' This is how I choose to apply that line. Will you tell me?"
And Subaru's breath hitched, soft and shaky. Fai wondered what they looked like, sitting in candle-lit warmth in a dark world, the oil lanterns wasted on the blind man.
He'd been so caught up in his pain, all that time. He'd allowed it to blind him, to drown out the suffering of others. Subaru had been right under his nose. He'd had enough of failing, he decided, and curled his right hand into a fist. Fai had died to give him life; all his life he had wondered Which of us was the Luck Child?
But now he knew; that luck was just a matter of where you were standing when the dice are rolled, and he chose... would always choose to be standing right here.
"Hokuto," Subaru said, in a rush. "My sister's name was Hokuto. There was a man I knew, named Seishirou..."
His voice was shaky and filled with grief; there was damage there that could be mended. Fai bent his head forward, and for the first time in his life, actually listened to what people were trying to tell him.
Do no harm.
- tbc
