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Edward's Point of View.

Enjoy!


Chapter 12: What Lies Beneath

"...They didn't ask for it.

They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore.

Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness..."

Neil Gaiman.~


I breathe in her scent, taking long, long breaths, trying to get high on her aroma. I don't know how much time we've been given to be together this way, but I know it must be short. It always is.

My hands are everywhere, frantic, trying to unwrap her as the perfect present I know she is. Her skin is as soft as silk. Everything about her is perfect. I kiss her everywhere. I kiss her where she wants me to, where she needs me. The sounds she's making ring loud in my ears, like the most brilliant symphony ever written.

I can't get enough of her. It's painful. I want her with me. I need her with me. And I know that this moment is about to end, like it always does. I crawl my way on top of her, until we're face to face. I get lost in her eyes, so accepting, so filled with love. No one looks at me this way. No one accepts me for who I am. No one knows me like she does.

I love her.

Her fingers are soothingly rubbing my back. She's waiting for me to make the move.

Always so patient.

Always grounding me, when I feel like falling apart.

Where does she get her strength? I'm the one that's supposed to be there for her, but it's always the other way around.

Before I can torment myself with self-loathing, I align our bodies like the puzzle pieces they are, and push inside her. It feels heavenly for a moment, and then it's over.

I wake up panting, my hand inside my boxer briefs. I take a few seconds to enjoy the high feeling, and then get up from the bed.

It's always the same.

Always the same fucking dream.

I'm so tired of waking up like this. I feel like a sick, perverted jackass. If she knew about this, she would never talk to me again. Not like she's talking that much to me right now anyway. She's always with him. Or more like, he is always with her.

I know I deserve it. I deserve what's going on. I pushed her away. I tried so hard to get her out of my mind and heart that I ended up driving her away completely. I didn't want that. I just needed to stop having feelings for her. I went the wrong way about it, I guess. Fucking her out of my system with random bodies was definitely not the answer.

Now I'm lucky if she rides with me to school.

We tiptoe around each other now, afraid of even breathing the wrong way. We haven't met in our backyard in what feels like forever. I have a growing list of new music I want her to listen to. I want to watch her face while she closes her eyes and listens intently to a new song. I crave the smile of approval she gives me when she likes it. I'm dying for the few minutes I get to enjoy her beautiful face, watching her with adoration, without getting caught.

I just need her.

I just need to be around her.

I just need to feel her skin on mine, if only for a few seconds.

In a way, I'm glad we're not hanging out as much. It was getting harder and harder, pun intended, to be close to her without touching her like I wanted to. Her skin must have this magnet or some shit, because I swear it pulls me with every breath she takes. Just smelling her scent when she enters a room makes my heart race faster.

Maybe this is good. Maybe now I can move on. Maybe now I can go back to seeing her as my best friend and not as the most perfect woman ever. It's not like I'm even worthy of her. She deserves better than me.

And better than that motherfucking Whitlock guy. I've never wanted to kill someone as much as I want to kill him. I was ready to confess my feelings for her the night of the dance. I was ready to put it all out there, even if that meant losing her forever. Even if she would have given me one of those disgusted looks she knows, and laughed in my face. I was ready for her rejection.

I was going to tell her…and then the stupid King and Queen shit happened, and he swept in like a knight in a fucking shining armor. He danced with her. He whispered in her ear. He made her laugh. In that moment, she looked so happy, so carefree. Her eyes twinkled with the light that dimmed when her mother died.

I couldn't bring myself to get in the middle of that. I only want her to be happy. I only want her to be bright again. If he does that for her…I'll deal with it.

I still want to kill him though. Maybe not as much as I wanted to kill Newton on freshman year. The asshole took her virginity while she was drunk. I know she regrets it, even if she doesn't talk to me about it. It's for the best though. If she says the word "virginity" around me, I might come in my pants.

I'm sick.


I get ready for my day at snail pace. I drove Bella to school yesterday, and we even went grocery shopping, so it was a start. I said I missed her and she said she was here, but it doesn't feel that way. It's hard going from best friends to whatever the fuck we are now.

I finished getting dressed, too early for my taste, so I stay in my room listening to Beethoven.

"Are you ready to go?", Alice peeks her head inside my room. When she sees me sitting on my bed with my earphones on, she joins me. I pause the song and look at her expectantly.

"So…no Izzy today?" She asks in a calm tone. I shake my head. She sighs and rubs my back. "I'm sure she'll come around." I've never talked to anyone in this house about my feelings for Bella, but I'm sure Alice knows. She just doesn't say so in so many words. I know she knows I struggle with it. I know she knows I haven't come to terms with it.

Who the hell falls in love with the girl you used to see as your sister? Isn't that wrong in so many levels? After her mother died, I promised myself I would take care of her. I would look out for her. I would make sure she was always safe. I would make sure she smiled.

Pretending to be someone else seemed like a good idea that summer. She was so broken, so fragile, so hurt, that I thought that this way she could get a fresh start. We were going to begin our freshman year and we would be whomever we needed to be to be accepted.

She needed attention, she needed people around her, she needed a distraction from her grief. It worked out for a while. We were doing well. Being someone in school and being ourselves when we were alone.

But the popular kids turned out to be more demanding than what we thought. And now we're stuck, or trapped…or just plain scared. I know I am.

Huge ass coward.

Of course Bella doesn't deserve me.

"E?" Alice's voice brings me out of my thoughts, making me flinch at the nickname. It's not her fault. She has been calling me that since we were kids. It never bothered me. But then it became what the girls at school call me. And I hate it. Bella does too…

"What?" I ask, distracted. My thoughts on Bella…as usual.

"Do you want to drive me? " I nod numbly at her and stand up.

She talks nonstop the entire drive. She thinks she can distract me from what's waiting for me at school. Bella must be there already…with him. Laughing at something he said, touching him, kissing him…

Nothing can distract me from that. Especially because when we get to the parking lot, Whitlock and Bella are kissing passionately on the front steps of the school. No one is looking at them. Everybody is already used to seeing them together. They hold hands in the hallways. They arrive and leave together. They have lunch together.

It's old news.

Except to me.

I shouldn't have gotten out of bed.


The day drags, like all the others. These past few days have been harder because I can't spend time with Bella. I feel like going crazy. My hair is suffering my frustration more than usual. I think I might go bald.

She doesn't eat lunch with us anymore, so I don't get to see her until Biology. I'm walking faster than usual toward our classroom, hoping we can at least say hello to each other, when I hear Tanya's voice.

"E! E! Wait up!" She yells at me. I can hear her heels; she's jogging. I breathe slowly, and turn around to face her.

"What?"

"I was wondering if you wanted to come over tonight…" Her big blue eyes look hopeful. Her voice is soft. Her hands are holding a notebook to her chest. She looks like any other normal girl. However, that's not what I see. In her, I see all of my wrong decisions. I see all the things I regret. It's not her fault I can't be with Bella, but she doesn't make it easier either.

She's tainted me. With her body, with her kisses, she has made me undeserving of my real love.

"I can't." I say in a cold tone.

"Why not?" She inquires, trying to sound patient, and kind. But she can't pull it off. She doesn't know how to be patient or kind. She's not Bella.

"I just can't, okay?" I don't want to give her an excuse. I need to detach my life from hers. I need her to understand I'm not interested in the games we've played. She knows. I know she knows I've been using her. How can she not? I'm way too obvious. I fuck her and leave her. I don't call her. I sleep with others. I mean…she knows. She must know she's just means to an end.

She's just another way to try to forget about Bella. It hasn't worked. Not with her, not with anybody. I don't even know why I still do it. I guess I could go with the hormones and teenage boy excuse…

No.

I still do it, because…

Fuck, I don't even know.

"What's up with you?" She asks annoyed.

"Nothing's up with me. I just can't." I shrug and start walking away from her and closer to Bella. Where I want to be. Where I need to be. Where I can't be.

"You can't or you don't want to?" She demands, keeping up with my pace.

"Both." I wish she would just leave me alone. I'm gripping unto the last bit of my patience because I don't want to make a scene.

"Why are you being such a jerk to me? What's this about?" She keeps that tone with me. I hate it. And that word…jerk… it reminds me of Bella. When she said it to me. It hurt me so bad. Now, as it falls from Tanya's lips, they're nothing but words. Not important. I don't care.

I stop walking and face her. I look into her eyes, so that she knows I'm serious. I'm sure my stare is hard.

"Tanya, we broke up remember?" I tell her in an even voice. "We are not a couple. Just fucking deal with it." I continue, trying to rein my temper. Her eyes are as cold as ever. Her expression is pure anger.

"That's never been a problem before. We break up, we fuck, and get back together. It's how it works." She spits the words, reminding me why I'm not in love with her. I breathe slowly, and start walking again.

"Maybe it's time for a change." I say with my back to her.

"What's that supposed to mean? A change from what? From me?" She yells at me while I walk away. This time she doesn't follow and I can make my way to Biology.

Finally.


That fucking conversation with Tanya made me late. Instead of arriving with minutes to spare and talk to Bella, I get a lecture from our teacher and have to sit and be quiet. She gave me a tiny smile when I sat next to her but it wasn't enough.

Nothing is ever enough anymore. I take a deep breath and tug my hair for the hundredth time. I'm ready to make up an excuse to get out of here when I see a white piece of paper placed in front of me.

Hi :)

I give Bella a sideways glance and she gives me a bigger smile. My heart races, and aches and explodes with feelings and happiness. So many things. So many emotions this girl makes me feel. It's like when she was born someone taught her how to make me feel. Someone taught her she was born to be in my life, to make it better, to make it brighter.

Hey. I write down simply and slide the paper back to her. I smile when she looks at me and smiles back. My whole body is tingling. I see her scribbling down quickly, looking up to the teacher and making it seem like she's taking notes.

So smart.

What's up? Why were you late?

I'm not sure I should tell you…

Why?

I'm scared.

Of what?

Ruining what little progress we've made…

Edward, why were you late? What did you do?

I didn't do anything. Tanya invited me over to her house. I said no. She flipped.

Why would that jeopardize our progress?

I'm not sure if I'm allowed to talk about her to you…

You can talk to me about anything.

I'm glad to hear that.


Biology class is over too soon. I was enjoying talking to Bella through that sheet of paper. We wrote in every white surface of it. It felt like home.

But the bell rang and now she's standing next to our table, putting her stuff away. I fold the piece of paper and shove it in my back pocket without Bella noticing.

"So…" I start while everybody walks out of the classroom. She grabs her book and turns to face me. "Any new music you want to share?" I ask really hoping she says yes…she knows where I'm going with this. I hold in my breath, waiting for her response. It was a bit of a bold move to make. I mean, it's not like things are 100% back to normal, but I want them to be.

I need them to be.

After what feels like forever, she smiles at me and nods excitedly. I breathe a sigh of relief and smile back at her.

Her eyes look bright, like she's happy I asked.

"Tonight?" I ask slowly. She nods again, her smile still in place, waves me goodbye and walks away.

The excitement I feel at the whole thing is out of this world. Why is she the only one who can make me feel this way? I've tried so hard to not be attracted to her. I've tried even harder to not have feelings for her… And yet, here I am, in love with my best friend.

There's no way I will ever change our relationship status. After all the shit I've done, trying to stop thinking about her, trying to forget about her, I've doomed ourselves to be just friends till the end of time. Or…till she gets sick of my fucking stupidity, which she got really close to a couple of weeks ago. However her, being her, the most forgiving, patient, sweet and kind human being on the planet, she gave me a chance. She gave us a chance to still be best friends.

I think we can make it. I think we can get over my moronic rant on the meadow. I mean really, what the fuck was I thinking when I told her I hated Peter? She didn't put up with my shit though. She told me how it was, and called me on my selfishness. One of the many things I love about her. Her ability to do just that…

She made me feel like crap too. I didn't know she felt so passionate about my "fuck buddies". I guess I never thought about it. I thought she didn't care…but apparently she did…or does…and the warm feeling I get thinking about that is not healthy.

It gives me hope.

I don't want hope. I don't need hope. I want cruel, brutal reality.

Bella is not mine.

Bella is not in love with me.

Bella has a boyfriend.

Bella is my best friend.

That's the cruel, brutal reality.

And I better not forget about that.


"So, Tanya is freaking out." Bella says from her place next to me on our blanket. We're not sitting as close as we used to, but she's close. I can smell her perfume when the wind blows. I can feel the heat of her body burning up my skin. I give her a confused look in response to her comment. Why is she talking about Tanya?

"I mean, about you talking about a change…us girls had to deal with the aftermath of that little conversation. I was a bit surprised she was laying it all out in the open like that. I've always gotten the feeling that she doesn't like people to know her weaknesses, especially when it comes to you…" She rambles on confusing me even more. Bella has known Tanya for as long as I have and we've never talked at length about her.

"Why are you telling me this?" I question looking deeply into her eyes to see if I can figure it out. Lately it's been harder and harder to do so. She shrugs.

"I don't know…I mean…why now?" She asks in that really low voice she gets when she's afraid to say something.

"Because…" Because you saw me about to fuck her on that desk. Because you admitted that you hate her. Because I'm so tired of pretending to like her. Because every time she gets close to me I think of how I get farther away from you. I can't tell you this.

"…I don't know." I finish lamely.

She looks at me for a while with those big, brown eyes of hers. She studies me and I feel small under her stare. Does she know? The effect she has on me? Can she tell? Does she notice how my skin feels hot while she watches me? For a minute, I imagine how she would look at me in a different scenario. Would her eyes cloud with lust? Would she appraise my body and lick her lips?

I shake my head to clear it out when I feel the familiar tightening in my pants.

"So, are we going to do this or what?" She asks and for a minute I think she's referring about my fantasies. Then I remember my iPod in my hands and the songs I want her to listen to, so I smile big at her and scoot a tiny bit closer.

She doesn't put the earphones in, so instinctively I grab them and place them in. That action gets me really close to her, and I feel her sharp intake of breath. I put the second earphone in, and let my fingers caress her earlobe once, twice, before resuming my position next to her.

My entire arm feels electrified because of that touch alone. The side of my neck where she exhaled her breath on me feels like scorching fire. How would it feel like to have her panting my name, all breathy moans and sighs?

What would make her go crazy? What touches would send her over the edge? I imagine running my fingers through her collarbone, trailing down her chest, her breasts, all the way down to her stomach…

Would she grab my hair and urge me on? Would she sigh my name when I finally touch her where she wants? Would she shut her eyes from the intensity of the pleasure or would she look at me all the way to my soul?

I watch her profile while she loses herself to the music. Her eyes are closed like I knew they would be while I admire her beautiful face. So delicate, so feminine. Her creamy skin looks like ice cream. I want to taste her. Everywhere.

Her hand is resting on the blanket next to her and I'm dying to grab it and kiss it. Playfully bite her fingers. Maybe guide her to touch my body…

All of a sudden, she opens her eyes and looks at me then at her hand. I look down and see I have my hand on top of hers. I take it off slowly as she takes off the earphones.

I'm about to apologize for…touching her I guess when she speaks.

"I love it! I loooove it!" She stresses in a very out of character reaction. Her smile is so big that it feels like nothing else in the world exists. This moment right here is the only thing that matters because her eyes are shining and her smile is dazzling.

And I love it.

And I love her.

After having the most easygoing conversation we've had since that awful day, I walk her home. I'm all smiles and my heart feels light again.

I say goodnight to her with a long hug that makes its way towards the center of my very being. I walk back home on cloud nine, because a hug is not in the least everything I wish I could do to her, but it's ten times better than nothing.

When I get to my bedroom, I add the song to my Bella's Approved playlist on my computer. I also save the piece of paper where we scribbled during Biology. I add it to the big pileinside the tattered shoebox under my bed. The others, I've saved since sixth grade where they meant less than they do now.

Not even close.


There you have it! Do you still hate Edward?

RL has been very demanding these past few days, so please make it better with your words.

Next Update will probably be in two weeks.

Till next time.