12.Bittersweet (Gin)
At first, I was confused. The light was blinding me to the point I thought for a moment that I really lost my sight. I was lying on my back and I couldn't move. There were two reasons for that. First, I seemed to be strapped to the bed; and second, my muscles hurt. I tried to say something, but my throat was sore and nothing came out of it. Hmmm, this was too much like the "dream".
"W-wa… ter…"
"Szayel! He's awake!"
"Goodness! Gin, Gin, listen, stop struggling, you're safe, shhh… Shit! Starrk, help me!"
I felt strong hands on my shoulders, pressing me down. I only now realized I was trying to get out of the restrains, so I relaxed and let them push me down. Somebody dimmed the lights, probably Szayel. My vision started to clear and I could focus again.
"Gin…? Can you hear me?"
I nodded slowly and turned my head to look at Szayel. He looked relieved.
"Good. How do you feel? … Umm, that's probably wrong question… Okay, do you know where you are?"
Nod.
"Do you know why you are here?"
The question came slow and careful. I nodded, my eyes steady.
"We don't have time for this, Szayel. If he's alright, let's get him out of here."
"It's too soon, Starrk, we can't…"
I interrupted them with croaking voice.
"Unfasten me."
I realized it sounded more like a command and added "please".
Szayel looked from Starrk to me, clearly troubled.
"You're not strong enough yet, Gin."
He protested even while loosening the belts that held me to the bed. Once he was done, he helped me sit. My head spun and I had to steady myself by leaning on a night table beside the bed. I tried to stand up. My legs gave up under me immediately and Starrk had to catch me, looking unfazed as ever. I tried again, pouring all my will and energy into it. It worked, I was standing on my own. Few minutes later, I was able to make few shaky steps, supporting myself against the walls. Szayel gave me clothes and helped me dress. I noticed deep scars on my wrists and stomach and quickly covered them.
Once I was decent again, I was given a glass of water. It helped my sore throat. Szayel was explaining meanwhile what was happening while I was in a coma, finishing by telling me that a group of shinigami has broken into Hueco Mundo, calling my name and killing everything that stood in their way. I could hardly believe what I was hearing. But it didn't matter. Whatever they wanted with me, it would have to wait…
"Where's he?"
Szayel looked up quickly, then just as quickly looked away and remained silent. Starrk studied me for some time before answering.
"His study. He doesn't know about the invasion yet. I was supposed to deliver the message, but I seem to be "engaged otherwise" for now."
I nodded my thanks and headed out slowly. I still didn't know what I'd do once I saw him, I didn't have any weapon and I was barely able to stand on my own, but I continued onwards. The corridors were deserted; everybody was sleeping or fighting outside. I heard Szayel arguing with Starrk about pointing me into the right direction, but I shut that off and focused on the path before me.
I arrived at the huge assembly room and my eyes automatically found the huge throne on which Aizen sat often. Slight movement caught my eyes and I turned to realize I wasn't alone in there. Grimmjaw stood by the window like a silent sentinel and he was watching me now with those sapphire eyes. For a moment, he seemed surprised to see me, then he concealed his surprise and nodded at me. And then he turned to watch the battle outside, ignoring my presence.
I guess my condition and what got me into it was a public knowledge after all. I muttered my thanks and continued slowly across the room, stopping before the door to Aizen's study. My hands were shaking when I remembered all the things that I had to endure in there, but few deep breaths later, I opened the door and stepped in.
The shock in his eyes was saying it all. He just sat there, staring at me in disbelief. Then he jumped up and before I could react, he embraced me tightly, holding me to his chest. The memory of him doing this after he found me in the closet surfaced again and with it all the emotions I buried so deep inside so long ago. I swallowed hard and hesitantly lifted my arms, embracing him back.
We stood there for long minutes in utter silence before he finally let go of me and took a step back. Our eyes met and a sudden urge wanted me to kiss him, to let him embrace me again, to be held and told everything would be alright. For a brief moment, I wanted to turn back time and be the young man again. And then the moment was gone and I stood there, silver letter opener in my hand, blood dripping from it…
He broke our eye contact and looked slowly down at his robe where a large dark patch was forming, blood flowing quickly from the deep wound near his heart. He looked back up at me and smiled. Then he staggered and I caught him before he fell and lowered him down slowly, sitting with his dying body in my lap. I knew he could regenerate, but right in that moment, I was somehow sure he won't do it.
"I'm glad it's you, Gin."
I looked at him, frowning.
"What do you mean?"
"I always knew I'd get what was coming, I'm just glad it's by your hand."
"Shut up."
"Why? Am I not allowed to speak now? You think that just because it's you, I'd obey?"
"Shut up!"
"And if I don't? Will you kill me twice?"
"SHUT UP!"
I looked down at my hand and let the opener fall out of it. The blood was all over my fingers and up to my wrist. It started to dry and it was sticky. The smell of blood made me sick, but I stayed.
"I loved you, Gin, I always loved you."
I clenched my fists and kept looking away.
"First, I loved you as a son I knew I'll never have. Then you grew up and I really fell in love with you. Funny how I could never say this before…"
He mused and my eyes stung. I blinked them few times and tears spilled out.
"Gin…?"
"Why have you never told me before?! Why were you waiting till now to tell me? Why did you do all THAT to me?"
I faced him again, tears blurring my vision. I was angry, so angry. I felt betrayed. My heart hurt as if it was breaking again. And he was silent. I looked down. He was pale. Pool of blood was all around us, staining my clothes with crimson blotches.
"Aizen?"
Nothing.
"Sousuke?"
Still nothing.
I listened carefully. His heartbeat was slow and shallow, pumping the rest of the blood out of him. I bent over and hugged him tightly, burying my face in his neck the way I wanted so many times when I was young and in love; before he started pushing me away and I turned my eyes away, wandering the shinigami world alone until I met Izuru…
"I loved you too, Sousuke."
I kissed his cold lips and let go of him. Then I pushed his body off my knees and got up, taking the opener once again in my sticky hands. There was only one thing left to do now. Nobody would get me alive. I had an important meeting with my Izuru in the land beyond this one. I turned to leave the room. If I was to die, it'd be somewhere else. I reached for the door.
"He's not dead."
The words were mere whisper, his voice was strange and he was gasping for breath. But it was enough to make me stop and turn back to him. I was sure he'd die in few moments and I didn't think he had it in him to speak anymore. Yet, he did.
"I saw him. He's not dead, they saved him. Kira Izuru is alive."
He paused, closing his eyes for a moment to steady himself.
"Go get him, Gin. Don't throw away your life again. And… I'm sorry."
And with that, I felt his life force slip away and he was dead. I watched his form for a long time. The man that spared my life more than once, who raised me, gave me everything, who loved me and whom I loved back, was now dead, slain by my own hand. And in his last moments, he chose to show some kindness after so long and for the last time. The opener fell from my hand once more and I stumbled out of the room.
What happened next is just a blurred and confused memory. Shinigamis have fought their way to the throne room where they found me sitting on the throne, my clothes and hands covered in blood. Starrk and Szayel were in the room too and I vaguely remember telling them to leave… The last thing I remember was asking if Izuru was really alive and to spare the lives of those that were still alive in Hueco Mundo. Then we were at a gate and we were crossing it. My eyes felt heavy and I kept them opened only long enough to see Izuru's face as we emerged from the gate in the Living world…
