Chapter Summary: Elsa has finally started down the road to recovery, but the path she and Anna now tread is almost as treacherous as the one they left behind.


12 - Control It

Hope, Elsa has learned over the years, is very difficult to maintain.

The very first hot flares of expectation are impossible to quell, no matter how much logic dictates that it is futile. But afterwards, after the buzz has died down, the feeling quickly sinks back to be lost amid despair.

Hope has proved empty so many times that Elsa never bothered to try and bolster the feeling into something more sustainable. The quicker it went away, the safer she was.

Which – she realises, huddled with Anna at the foot of her sister's bed – was going to be a very difficult habit to break.

"I'm not used to this." she admits to Anna, "Letting people in. I'm not sure I know how any more."

"It's easy." her sister replies lightly, her head on Elsa's shoulder, "You just can't hide anything from me. Even if I can't help you, I still have to know."

"I hate upsetting you with anything." Elsa replies, "Especially if I don't have to."

Anna sighs, "You can't keep me safe all the time. That's just life – we all get damaged."

"You shouldn't have to."

"You shouldn't have to." Anna is silent for several moments, then says quietly, "Promise me you'll never hurt yourself again?"

"Promise." I couldn't. Not now you know. Not now it's hurting you as well.

"Good." Anna replies, then sits up and turns to face Elsa, "No time like the present, I guess. We have a lot to catch each other up on."

"I guess we do." Elsa says. She pulls herself into a more comfortable position and launches into their story – everything that had really happened when they'd played as children and the night it had all ended and the years that Elsa had kept herself hidden away and exactly what had occurred up in the North Mountain. She glosses over all the incidences of cutting as much as Anna will allow her. Don't want to give myself any ideas.

The events of the last two decades take a long time to tell; by the time Elsa is finished her mouth is dry and her eyes are wet and she and Anna are clinging to each other once more. Every time things have gone wrong are suddenly spiralling round and round in Elsa's head, the old echoes of one wrong move beginning to resurface.

"You realise I could still lose control so easily." she tells her sister tearfully.

"Don't think about your magic now." Anna insists, "We've got to get you better before you can worry about that."

Elsa doesn't reply, knowing that (as usual) Anna is right. Tied to my emotions, she reminds herself, If I'm not OK, then my powers can't be OK.

Both women lapse into silence, their breathing synchronising until Anna's evens out and Elsa realises that she has fallen asleep. She lays her sister gently down on the bed, kisses her forehead, and slips quietly out of the room.

This won't last.

The thought rises unbidden to her mind and her attempt to crush it is half-hearted at best. She knows better than anyone that no problem can be solved with a simple flick of the wrist and a healthy dose of determination. If that were the case, bringing back summer would have been the end of it all.

If only.

She shakes her head to banish that thought, reminding herself sternly that she'd promised Anna she'd try to be hopeful. How did her sister cling on to such boundless optimism in the face of all she'd been through? Yet another skill I never managed to master.

Worn down by the emotional upheaval of the afternoon, Elsa retires to her bedroom and falls into a deep, dreamless sleep, banishing the world for a few precious hours.

Early the next morning the tone of the following weeks is established by Anna knocking insistently on Elsa's door and promptly dragging the bleary eyed Queen down to breakfast and demanding to know how she was feeling. Elsa gets her revenge by stealing food off Anna's plate whenever she isn't looking.

After they've eaten Elsa let's Anna talk her into taking a walk around the palace grounds – even though the height of summer has passed the day is sweltering, and both women flop out on the grass and let the sun beat down on them. Anna chatters excitedly about Krisotff's flourishing ice trade, and Elsa lets herself be dragged into her sister's enthusiasm, basking in the light and the fresh air until a harried looking adviser hurries over to them and summons Elsa back to the castle.

The inevitable crash back to Earth that Elsa had been dreading drops on her the moment she enters the council chamber. While she had been playing Big Sister the world had still been turning outside the palace gates. Over the last few months Elsa has lost count of the number of times her royal duties has pushed her over the edge. Should have seen this coming should have seen this coming.

She is trapped with her council and advisers all day, not escaping until the sun has long since disappeared. By the time she is finally free her head is pounding and panic is edging into her awareness. Her skin prickles, mind straining for the emotional release she knows only pain can grant her. A day. Is that really all it takes?

She heads back to her bedroom and paces distractedly until Anna comes to her door.

"What happened?" she asked.

"It's nothing." Elsa replies automatically, wringing her hands together.

"Elsa." her sister chastises. "Everybody is looking really worried, including you – what's going on?"

Elsa sighs. I promised. "The Western Isles are threatening to cut off trade lines with us."

Anna's eyes widen, "Why?"

"Why do you think?" Elsa huffs a humourless laugh, "Because of me! They say someone so dangerous isn't fit to rule and they shouldn't be doing deals with me."

"That's ridiculous!" Anna cries, hands balling into fists at her sides.

Is it? Elsa thinks, but doesn't voice the thought allowed. Instead she says, "But it's happening. I don't know what to do, Anna, I don't know how to fix this."

"Hey." Anna approaches her hesitantly, "You'll figure something out, I know you will."

"Will I?" Elsa sits heavily down on her bed, staring at the floorboards, "I'm no good at this. I can't rule, I can't solve Arandelle's problems. I can't even solve my own problems." She puts her arms around herself, shoulders hunching over.

"You can." Anna insists, "You can do all of that, you just need to be patient. I believe in you Elsa."

You're the only one.

The blonde glances up into her sister's earnest face. What good am I, really?

"You look tired." she says, "I'm sorry, Anna, I shouldn't be keeping you up, this isn't your problem. You should get some sleep."

Anna hesitates, taking half a step backwards towards the door, but not turning away from Elsa. "I..." she starts, then falls silent again.

"What is it?"

Anna looks at the floor, "I just... don't think it's a good idea for you to be alone right now."

Elsa stiffens. How could her sister read her so clearly? "I – I'm not going to do anything." she chokes out, desperately hoping that it's true.

"Really?" Anna glances at her doubtfully, "You told me that you couldn't help... doing what you do. Old habits don't disappear just like that."

Elsa shrinks further in on herself, heart twisting to hear Anna voice her fears aloud. "I don't want to load you down with this." she says mournfully.

"Well I'm loading myself down with it." her sister replies defiantly, "And I'm not leaving you like this. Come on." she takes Elsa by the wrist and drags her off the bed and out of the room.

"Where are we going?"

"You'll see."

Elsa lets Anna lead her down the corridor, willing to go along with her if it'll keep her distracted – she is still very aware of her breathing, shallower than it should be, and her blood flowing under the surface of her skin. I could draw you out so easily. The sight of you always calmed me down...

No. She shoves that thought away, glancing at Anna and remembering her sister's words. "This hurts me, Elsa. Knowing that you're damaging yourself like this. It hurts."

Never again. She'd made up her mind.

But oh, how she wanted to...

She doesn't register where Anna is leading her until cool air is whipping her face and she realises they are back in the palace grounds.

"Anna, what are we doing?" she asks, bewildered.

Her sister releases her wrist, then stoops and picks something up off the ground. She turns to Elsa. "Bet you can't break this rock with your magic."

"What?" Elsa asks, then catches on to Anna's train of thought. "You know, the night you found me down in the weapons hold... I didn't want to hurt myself that night."

"Well there's no harm in trying." Anna tells her, a glint of mischief in her eyes. Then she cries, "Think fast!" and hurls the rock up into the air.

Elsa jumps backwards and throws a hand outwards, propelling ice shards after it. She misses by a mile, slicing a branch off a nearby tree and sending tiny crystals of frost raining down all around them. Anna laughs, "I don't have any powers and even I could have done better than that!"

"I wasn't ready." Elsa huffs indignantly, amusement cracking through the anxiety currently enveloping her.

"Are you ready for this?" Anna stoops again, and this time Elsa is prepared by the time Anna lets the rock fly. She misses again, the ice skidding to the ground a few meters away, but this time she was almost on target.

"Looks like we've got to work on your aim." Anna tells her, "No wonder you've never jousted before."

"What? They don't allow women to joust and you know it." Elsa shoots back, before firing after the next rock that Anna throws and missing that one, too.

"You're the Queen!" her sister cries, "What's the point of being Queen if you can't do whatever you want?"

Elsa laughs, eyes crinkling in amusement, and Anna beams.

"All right." the younger woman announces, arming herself once more, "For every rock that you manage to knock out of the sky, you get a point. For every one you miss, I get a point."

"What will I win if I get the most points?" Elsa asks

"Pride?" Anna shrugs, before lobbing two stones into the air at once. Elsa yells in alarm and attempts to go after them both, resulting in both falling untouched to the earth, frost stuck in Elsa's hair, and Anna almost falling over from laughing so hard.

Elsa sticks her tongue out at her sister, and sends a veritable wall of ice almost as tall as she is after the next stone, slamming into the side of a tree.

"Cheater!" Anna exclaims.

"You never said that was against the rules." Elsa tells her imperiously.

"Fine." Anna collects her next missile, then abruptly turns and flees across the lawn. With a shout of indignation, Elsa takes off after her, not seeing the pebble until it lands a little to her left.

As had always happened when they were children, their game quickly devolves into running around and shrieking. As the night wears on, Elsa's aim begins to improve, and soon rocks are landing cracked and scraped from the force with which the ice shards had struck them. Neither sister thinks to keep score, and very soon all sense of structure is lost admit the joys of throwing stones and laughing like neither of them have done in years.

They don't return to the castle until the early hours of the morning, when both women are out of breath and almost too exhausted to walk straight. Elsa is still giggling feebly as she staggers back to her bedroom, pulse pounding in her ears and skin flushed with exertion. It's not until she collapses into bed, too tired to do more than kick her shoes off, that she realises the destruction she'd wreaked over the grounds had eclipsed the thrumming desire to turn her attack inwards. She was sure she'd be feeling the strain of her night of activity come morning, but right now she's almost content. What would I do without you, Anna? is Elsa last thought before she falls into unconsciousness.

The coming of daylight brings harsh, drizzly weather and a call back to the council chambers. One night of childish games has given Elsa no answers to all the problems nipping at her heels, and she feels her mood begin to slide almost immediately. One step forward, two steps back, she thinks to herself frustratedly, as she feels the itching panic begin to rise inside her again.

The current crisis keeps her locked in the castle for most of the following days. Whenever she can, she escapes to see Anna, who demands to know how she is feeling. Despite her promise of transparency, Elsa finds herself downplaying her state of nervous despair. Somehow, voicing it aloud would make it all too real. Please understand that, Anna. Some things are just too much.

However, she does keep her vow not to harm herself. She makes a habit of fleeing back down into the weapons hold or out into the forests surrounding the city, smashing and breaking apart and slicing anything except herself. She doubts that the habit of demolition she's building up is a healthy one, but she's desperate for any kind of release. Bottling up her emotions had served her even worse over the years.

After a week or two, Anna notices that Elsa's aim and precision is getting steadily better, and sweet-talks one of the captains of the Palace Guard into helping her refine it further. Under his instruction, Elsa quickly learns to appreciate the sense of power that smashing a wooden target to pieces with one blast of ice can bring.

One morning she is down in the weapons hold alone when Anna wanders in.

"You're a natural." she tells Elsa, "You could beat anyone you wanted to – not that I'm saying you do want to, but, you know, you're getting really good."

Elsa chuckles to herself, "Thank you. Maybe I could take a ship to the Western Isles and knock King Frey's head off his shoulders."

"I'm sure that would solve the problem." Anna replies, amused.

"What if it would?" Elsa muses quietly, ideas abruptly ticking inside her head. "What if we attacked them?"

"What?"

Elsa turns to face her sister, excitement suddenly gleaming in her eyes, "They don't think I'm fit to rule, nothing I can say is going to change their minds. But what if we invaded? Showed them all just how strong Arendelle is?"

"You can't be serious." the mirth had disappeared from Anna's tone, "Elsa... the Western Isles have allies, you – you could start a war."

"They wouldn't stand a chance against us!" Elsa exclaims, "Look what I can do if I put my mind to it, Anna." she gestures around at the broken targets littering the floor, "Think how much better I could become! No one else would be able to match us!"

Anna takes a step back, bow creasing in concern, "Elsa, this is crazy."

"Is it? This is just the beginning, Anna. You think the Western Isles is the only country that's wary of me? There are others just waiting for an excuse to strike, and I'm tired of being pushed around and judged." she flings a hand out, sending ice spinning down the concourse and burying into the opposite wall, clouds of brick dust swirling into the air.

"Elsa..." Anna stammers, suddenly looking nervous, "You can't really think this will solve anything – You'd just be buying into their fears about you. And what about Arendelle? How do you think everyone here would react to you starting a war over nothing? You could lose everything."

"I could lose everything anyway." Elsa snaps, "Wake up Anna, people already think I'm dangerous. Not everyone was convinced that my "little stunt" thawing Arendelle means I couldn't snap again at any time."

Anna gapes at her sister for several seconds, then says quietly, "You're worried they're right, aren't you? That's why you're so desperate to prove how in control of your powers you are."

"Don't be absurd." Elsa shoots back, turning away from Anna.

"If you attack the Western Isles you'll just be proving them all right!" Anna exclaims, taking half a step forward, "You can't seriously be thinking about this."

"What's the alternative?" Elsa retorts angrily, "Let the Western Isles cut trade lines? Let all our allies turn on us and push us around? I'm not going to be the Queen who just lies back while her country is ruined, Anna!"

"This isn't the answer!" suddenly Anna is yelling, "Violence isn't going to get you anywhere except into deeper trouble, I thought you'd realised that!"

"Really, because it's what's been keeping me away from myself!" furious, Elsa shoves a sleeve up, revealing the faded cuts along her arm that showed how long her skin had gone untouched. The sight made Anna flinch, but Elsa was too fired-up to care. "It seems to have solved one problem rather well, I wouldn't be so quick to condemn it."

Anna stares back at her, eyes hard, "I'm not so sure." she remarks, "You were never this angry before you started doing this." she throws a hand out, indicating the broken wood and brick surrounding them. "Maybe you've just replaced one problem with another."

"What are you saying?"

"I'm sorry Elsa." Anna tells her, all the energy drained from her voice, "I lead you to this. I thought I was helping you–"

"Don't do this Anna." Elsa pleads, "I feel fine. I'm coping, alright? This is working for me."

Anna stares at the opposite wall in silence for a long moment, then asks, "Are you serious about attacking the Western Isles?"

"Maybe." Elsa says.

"Then it isn't working for you." Anna replies icily, "This isn't you. My sister would never use violence as a first resort."

"Oh grow up Anna!" Elsa explodes, "I'm Queen, I'm responsible for Arendelle and all it's people. Sometimes sacrifices and difficult decisions have to be made, that's just how it is."

"Are you going to call me naïve again?" Anna inquires. Something about the tired note in her voice quiets the anger burning in Elsa.

"No, I'm not." she replies, crossing her arms across her stomach.

"This isn't you." Anna repeats, not looking at Elsa, "And I think you can't see that because you're just relieved your not hurting yourself any more. But giving in to anger like this is wrong. And it's not going to make anything better." she turns and begins walking out of the weapons hold. At the door she pauses, back still to her sister. "I'm sorry Elsa. This one's my fault."

Elsa turns away, hearing the door click shut. One step forward, two steps back. One endless circle.

How did everything she tried to do inevitably lead to this moment – Alone and angry and burning with guilt? She was so sure she wasn't wrong. But when had Anna ever not been right about something like this?

Elsa had spent her whole life failing; she'd failed as a daughter, failed as a sister, and now she was failing as a Queen. But what if I could succeed as a soldier, as a weapon?

She thinks back to the day of The Great Thaw – she only time she could remember using her powers to fix rather than destroy.

I thought I was moving back to that.

What if I'm still moving away?