Don't own anything. RM does.
Dimitri, without any doubt, always expected me to get into all sorts of trouble, but I think finding out that I spend the whole night in Adrian's room was the drop that turned the glass upside-down. The very last drop. He stepped past me and came into the room, looking between Adrian and me, then back, my shirt on the floor, messy bed and finally resting his eyes on bottles of alcohol on the floor.
"Male and female students aren't supposed to be in each other's rooms." His voice was cold.
I knew pointing out that Adrian wasn't technically a student wasn't going to get me out of trouble here. I wasn't supposed to be in any guy's room.
"We live in 21st century, Comrade. It's not like it's forbidden to communicate with other sexes."
Dimitri regarded me with an exhausted look. "I'm sure you know the rules at St. Vladimir's."
Adrian decided to defend me, still not getting out of the bed. "Yeah, she does, but you are also not in your Academy right now. And, believe me when I say this, Rose needed comfort."
"Of course she did," said Dimitri coldly. "But I would have at least thought she'll have more taste when picking out a person who will provide her that comfort."
I gritted my teeth. He seemed so smart, and yet he was judging Adrian without knowing him just like everybody else did. I wanted to comment on his behavior, yell and scream, but I stayed composed figuring I was in too much trouble as it is, and only my clenched fists showed how angry I was.
Adrian acted cool. He even rolled his eyes. "Why are you so against me keeping her company?"
Dimitri wanted to answer but I grabbed his hand and turned him towards the door. "Enough. Wait for me outside, I'll be there in two seconds and you can yell at me as much as you want."
I still have no idea why he listened to me. I believe it was because he saw it in my eyes that I was just trying to save him from getting in a fight with an adult Moroi. Although most of the times people tend to forget that Adrian Ivashkov is above their leagues, that he is rich and related to Queen Tatiana herself and that he isn't just a kid who needs to respect older ones – he is just that. An adult Moroi, the Queen's first nephew. And Dimitri would endanger his position if he didn't treat him that exact way.
"Be quick." He said curly before slamming the doors behind him.
I grabbed my shirt and boots from the floor where I tossed them last night and tiptoed to the bathroom. When I looked myself in the mirror I didn't saw Rose Hathaway. I saw a girl, whose eyes were dark and bloodshot and held so much knowledge and memories. I looked older than seventeen, much, much older. My hair was a mess so I tied it in a high bun. Half a year ago, I would spend so much time on my hair and my appearance. Six months ago, I would already jumping Adrian's bones not caring what everybody else would think. Six months ago, I would talk about everything with my best friend and she would understand.
Right now, she didn't want to understand.
And when I heard those portentous words few days ago… Well, I had a feeling I was already changing my destiny. Slowly, but it was happening.
I finally realized what means that there is no fate but the one what we make.
"Fuck!" I whisper-yelled, slamming my fisted hand on the marble bathroom counters.
"He's really angry." Adrian said from his position on the bed. "And jealous."
"How would you know that?" I snapped, raising my eyebrows.
"Auras." He said cockily, pointing a finger to his temple.
"Whatever." I rolled my eyes and added "See you later, Ivashkov. Thanks again. You know, for everything."
He caught my eyes from across the room. I wanted to look away, but for some reason found myself totally mesmerized. He really does have amazing eyes.
Dimitri didn't yell. He was calm as always. He didn't even give me much trouble. He just said that I should be more careful and that he'll let it pass, just this time.
I found myself wishing that he would at least show some emotions, just this once. If he really was jealous like Adrian said he could show it to me.
When he finished giving me his speech, I looked at him sadly.
"I'm sorry, Dimitri." He looked taken aback. I was never sorry and I was never so calm.
He reached over and took my hand in his. His touch send chills down my arm, through my body, and down to my toes, like some kind of crazy electrical current. I wanted to lean into him and I did. It was the last time, I promised myself. His arms encircled me, strong and powerful like I remembered.
"It's my fault," I said in a small voice.
"Hmm?"
"Mason. Getting killed."
I didn't have to see Dimitri's face to know compassion was filling it. I knew him oh so well.
"Oh, Roza. No." My heart fell when he said my Russian nickname. I haven't heard it so long. "You made some bad decisions... you should have told others when you knew he was gone... but you can't blame yourself. You didn't kill him."
Tears brimmed in my eyes as I looked back up. "I might as well have. The whole reason he went there -it was my fault. We had a fight… I should've tried and work this thing with him. " I swallowed further tears. "I… He came to apologize and find Christian in my room and…" I let out a weird sound, something between laughing and choking.
"You can't blame yourself for that," he told me, looking at me seriously. "You can regret your decisions and wish you'd done things differently, but in the end, he made his decisions too. That was what he chose to do. It was his decision in the end, no matter your original role."
I knew he wasn't talking just about Mason anymore. He was talking about himself, too. He was choosing and I was losing. In the end, leaving with Tasha – it was his decision and whatever I did I wasn't going to influence it. Maybe he'll be happy. Maybe he'll regret it in the end.
It didn't matter.
Swallowing back further tears, I pulled my hands from Dimitri's and left his embrace before I could say something I didn't want to.
"I should go," I said thickly. "I need to speak to Christian. Can I? I mean, you won't be angry at me if I visit him?" I sounded bitter at the end.
He gave me a small, sad half-smile. "You can go to him. I trust Christian Ozera."
I nooded and made a few steps towards Christian's room. But then I stopped and turned around. There was just one last question I wanted to ask him.
"It would never work, wouldn't it?"
"What would never work?" He asked, looking intensely at me. His whole body was rigid and he knew very well what I was going to ask him. It was like he was preparing to break my heart once more. Break his own heart again.
"Us." I whispered. I sounded defeated, finally. "We would never work."
"No."
It was enough for me. I didn't look at his face, didn't want to see all of his emotions. I didn't break down crying. I didn't scream or try to convince him that we're meant to be together. I already knew the answer before I asked him, I just wanted for him to confirm it so I could move on.
In a matter of second I was gently knocking on Christian's door.
"Rose." He stated when he opened the doors. He moved a little so I could get it. Not once did I look back towards my mentor.
When we were finally both inside, I looked at my friend. He was in the worse shape than me. It was like he didn't sleep for days. His eyes, the ones that always held so much fire, were just two glassed iced figures looking everywhere but me.
"I'm sorry, Christian."
He looked at me, surprised. "You're sorry?"
"Yes."
"Why would you be sorry?"
I sat down on his unmade bed and sighed. "I'm sorry I took you with me. I'm sorry I couldn't protect you."
"What are you talking about?" He sat next to me. Our knees were touching. I wanted to pull him into a tight hug but I knew he wasn't ready for that yet. I was grateful he even let me into his room.
"I messed up."
"No, Rose, you didn't. I did. I bit you, goddammit! I almost killed you! Look at your hands!" He grabbed one of mine banded wrists and lifted it in front of my eyes. His voice was full of disgust and contempt directed towards him.
"You saved my life, Christian."
"No, I didn't."
"Well, you've tried. Hey," I grabbed his face into my hands and made him look at me. "You were brave, so brave. I would willingly give myself to you, I would die for you!" At the end I was screaming at him.
The emptiness in his eyes didn't disappear but a saw a glimpse of that old fire. "Why would you do that, Rose? I don't understand! I can't understand that!"
"Because that's my duty! Because I needed to save you. I needed for you to be saved! You weren't meant to leave this world that night! Besides, they come first, right?"
He just frantically shook his head. "Not always!"
Again something my future soul told me it would happen. At the time, I thought Dimitri will say that to me. I was wrong once again.
When I looked at Christian, I saw that he wasn't hearing me. I tried to explain it to him and he didn't want to listen to me. Like he was in his own bubble of guilt not sharing it with anybody outside.
"I did it because I care! Because your life is important, too!"
He pulled his head out of my hands and stood up. He was frustrated, really frustrated, I noticed. "No, it's not! I am not a good person! I'm just like my parents!"
"You are an idiot." I stated.
"Yes, I am. I don't deserve this. Any of this. Lissa, you. I don't deserve you."
"It was mine mistake, Christian. Mine! And you're nothing like your parents. You didn't kill me. You burned the chains, you wanted to free me and save me." I was up, too. We were in some sort of staring match. He didn't understand and I needed him to understand. For my own sake, I needed him to understand.
"I wanted to kill you! That's the problem, Rose, I really wanted it. It was so sweet, so easy. I thought I wouldn't be strong enough to pull away. I embraced the fact you're going to die and I'll become Strigoi. I was fine with it!"
"But you didn't do it! You were strong enough!"
He took a deep breath. He was shaking and then finally, he broke. Single tear slid down his pale face. But it was enough for me to see the change. I pulled both of us on the bed, holding him tight against me. He nestled his head onto my chest and his arms held me like he didn't want to ever let me go. I was moving my fingers through his black hair, whispering nonsense to him.
After a long time, he finally moved from me a little, just enough he could look at me, still not letting me go.
"I'm afraid the time will come when I won't be able to resist." He said simply. He knew I'll understand. I'll always understand.
"I won't let you. I promise, I'll be here. We'll survive this together; I'll lend you some of my strength."
"What if Lissa and I break up?" He asked.
"I'll still be here."
We just sat there looking at each other; I am not even sure for how long. It was kinda weird, I would never imagine being in this position with Christian. There was nothing sexual about it, it was just intense, something between comfort and complete understanding.
"What's bothering you?" He finally asked, moving a strand of my hair that's fallen from my bun.
"Besides the obvious?" I laughed nervously.
"Well, yeah."
"Dimitri." I finally said, biting my lip. I couldn't help but notice how his eyes followed my movement.
"What did your lover do now?" He asked bitterly.
I knew he was just teasing, but I also knew he was aware that I had feelings for my older mentor and his aunt's guardian.
"We talked… And I thought a lot..."
"Wow! Does your head hurt?"
I slapped him lightly. "Shut up. And I know that relationship is doomed. I just… I still want him."
"Rose, you can't just decide not to love somebody and then stop loving them. Believe me, I've tried." He muttered.
I wanted to ask him what he meant by that, I mean, I didn't want for Lissa and him to break up or something, but I asked him something more important instead.
"How did you even know about Dimitri and me?" When he opened his mouth to reply, I cut him. "And don't tell me again you had a feeling. You aren't that much observant."
He smiled, showing his fangs, just like Tasha did. "Remember when Lissa was kidnapped?"
"Of course."
"I was hiding in the back of the van when you went to get her. And I heard how Dimitri begged you to stay safe for him; I saw when he touched you."
"Oh." I haven't even thought about that.
"Yeah, oh."
We went silent again. A knocking interrupted us. I knew it wasn't Lissa, she was still sulking in our room.
"Christian?" Tasha's voice echoed through the room. He got up leaving me sitting on the bed. When he opened the doors, Tasha jumped on him and hugged him. I smiled. She loved him so, so much. He was the only family she had left, and the other way around. I can't imagine what she felt when we disappeared.
"Oh, Rose." Tasha left Christian's embrace and pulled me up from my position just to hug me. I wrapped my hands around her awkwardly.
"Don't ever ever do something so dangerous." She sounded shaken.
"I won't, Tasha. We'll be good kinds from now on." She let me go and looked at me with a raised eyebrow. She didn't believe the word I said, of course.
We stayed in Christian's room for a plenty of time. We discussed everything; Christian and I told Tasha what exactly happened in Spokane, leaving out some of the details and then she told us about her plans to travel for a while.
"I'll miss you." Christian said.
"I'll bring you presents when I get back." She smirked. I laughed.
"Don't forget about me." I added.
"I won't." She promised. Christian excused himself for the bathroom and that left us sitting in an empty room.
"Tasha…" I finally gained strength to ask her.
"Yeah?"
"Can I ask you something?"
"Shoot."
"You've been through a lot, didn't you?" I asked, carefully eyeing her scars that messed up her beautiful face.
"You could say that." She answered lightly.
I crocked my head on the side.
"If… If we're talking, hypothetically, about true love… When do you know it's the end?"
She looked at me kinda surprised. I didn't blame her. I surprised myself with asking this question.
"If we're talking about true love…" She started seriously, but then her lips curved in a small, sad smile. "Never."
I repeated her words in my head. Did she mean; we never know it's the end because we'll always fight for it, or we never know when the end is because it doesn't have an ending.
I sighed.
But in that moment, with that one small word, never, she made me realize how much she loved Dimitri.
Maybe even more than I ever could.
