XII
"Roh!" Legolas cried as he saw Elrohir walk straight into the tall vase, sending it crashing to the ground.
He could not reach Elrohir in time as he bent down and tried to pick up the shards with frantic sweepings of his hand.
"I am so sorry," Elrohir said, still reaching out.
In doing so, he brought his hand down on a sharp piece, hissing as it pierced his skin.
"Stop," Legolas said, grabbing Elrohir's hand. "It matters not, please."
He took Elrohir and guided him to the sofa.
"I will send for you latter," he said to the wide-eyed emissary from Lasgalen who had been awaiting his reply.
"Very well, Your Highness," he said.
"Hilwen will show you to your quarters," Legolas said.
Once the other left, Legolas sat beside Elrohir and started dabbing at his new wound.
"What brings you here, Elmaethor?" he said, pressing a bandage to Elrohir's cut palm.
"Eldarion was with Linnael, and I thought you might --"
"Need you a reason to seek me out?" Legolas said.
He spite of his light manner, his stomach felt like it had been lined with lead. Elrohir so rarely ventured into his study these days that he had managed to collide with the vase which stood by the door while he usually navigated the rest of the house with ease despite his lack of sight.
"No," Elrohir said, head bowed.
"Have you ventured out today? Dan told me he wished to visit the waterfall."
"I told him to visit it on his own."
"But Roh, you have not left the house in close to a week!"
Elrohir froze again. "And what wrong do you wish to find with me this time?"
Legolas pressed a kiss to his temple. "Valar, Roh, nothing."
Elrohir did not reply.
"Elrohir, we need to talk."
"About?" Elrohir seemed so listless, so dull, that Legolas did not know where to start.
"Do you know how much I hurt to see you labouring on without giving voice to your feelings? I might not enjoy displaying my emotions, but that does not mean I am made of wood! Why, even the trees have myriad feelings so strong, so intricate!"
"You are comparing yourself to a piece of wood," Elrohir said.
The hint of wryness in his tone brought more joy to Legolas than he had experienced in a very long few weeks.
"Now there is the Elrohir I have loved for so many years and will continue to do so!"
"I am sorry, Lass. The spectre of death looms large in my mind's eye, and it will be a while yet before I lose sight of it."
"It looms large in all our sights. But we find other things that still make us smile. You were that reason for me, and dare I think you feel the same?"
Elrohir let out a scared breath he had been holding. He had been a fool again to make Legolas doubt that the position he occupied in Elrohir's eyes was anything less than the pedestal with which Elrohir had placed him on ever since he had let him into his heart.
"May I be smote to ashes for making you worry again, Lass!" Elrohir cried. "I have once more given you much to doubt and fear. Why? Why can I not --"
"Shhh, Roh. I have never doubted my place in your eyes. And I am honoured that you continue to do so. 'Tis only that I am unable to hold onto that knowledge as much as I would like to do so."
"Every time I give you reason to doubt my love for you, a part of the child in you dies, Lass. Ever more beautiful you grow, but you lose more of your innocence."
"Me, innocent? That is hardly the most apt description I would give myself, after the amount of affections I have received from you!"
What was meant to diffuse the tension only caused it to heighten in Elrohir. He could feel Legolas's growing frustration at the lack of intimacy between them but could not bring himself to summon up the courage to take Legolas. Something in him had died along with Elessiel, leaving behind a sense of complete failure and had taken away any confidence he had in himself.
"Would you care to take me, then?" Elrohir whispered.
Legolas's eyes widened, then started to cloud over as his attention was drawn to the feel of Elrohir pressed against him on the sofa. Centuries of being bonded had not lessened the attractions of Elrohir's toned body and considerable bed-skills in his eyes a whit. That it was he who yielded to Elrohir in all but the rarest of occasions made Elrohir's offer ever more so special.
"Now?" he croaked.
"Could you wait?"
The long-unquenched need in Legolas came to full bearing, and he leaned forward to seal his mouth to Elrohir's, drawing in the breath of his spouse.
By the time he pulled away from Elrohir the ache in his loin was nigh unbearable as he started to unbutton Elrohir's loose shirt with one hand and untying his breeches with the other.
He let out a frustrated growl as sudden clarity came into his fogged senses, and he let go of where he had started to stroke Elrohir's own slowly awakening passion.
Elrohir turned to Legolas, questions in his face.
"Lass?"
Shifting Elrohir aside, Legolas said, "I want this far more than you do."
Elrohir did not answer. More than ever, he found lying to Legolas so difficult, especially now that his senses were more attuned to the hints of insecurity and pain in Legolas's voice; emotions that Legolas hid well from his face. Robbed of his sight, there was no calm face to deceive Elrohir now.
"I am sorry, Roh. I have placed my needs above yours."
Elrohir pressed his fingers to Legolas's lips.
"Can I not offer my love some comfort?"
"Even when you feel so unmoved towards it?"
"I have never stopped loving nor desiring you, Lass."
"Then why do you behave thusly towards me?"
"'Tis only that at times I feel as trapped as you do with Gondor and all her problems. And now, having your care and concern, I feel some peace, but I know it will not be complete lest we set forth for Aman presently."
"Are you asking me to leave now?"
"Yes, Lass."
"But I cannot do this!"
"You find ties of kinship shackle you to these shores."
"Indeed I do."
"Then I shall not ask it of you again."
Elrohir pushed himself away from Legolas and proceeded to pull his shirt back on.
"What love I have for you will never be spent. I must leave you to your business, for undoubtedly I interrupted when I stumbled in so capriciously."
Legolas watched, bewildered as Elrohir limped towards the door. Much as he wanted to hug and offer Elrohir some comfort, he knew that his control over his physical yearnings were being strained to the point of breakage, and that to take Elrohir in his current state would only bring with it feelings of guilt and pain that would last for ages to come.
Picking up a quill, he scowled as an ugly blot appeared on his parchment as the words he was struggling to find refused to materialise. It would be so tempting to finish what had commenced with Elrohir's plea, but a deep-seated sense of anger, of shame, prevented him from relieving himself. Elrohir was his spouse, and anything his love did ought to be enough for him. Or did it?
Crumpling the paper and tossing it aside in disgust, Legolas went to the window and stood for an age, staring out into the lush foliage of his garden. The garden which he and Elrohir had built together when they had first settled in Ithilien, Legolas singing the trees into a lush landscape, Elrohir helping with his skilled composition and lyre.
All this seemed so far away now, as Legolas continued to look out, his thoughts far away. Elrohir's entreating for him to leave was so tempting, but Legolas had had enough of hiding. He wanted now, more than ever before, to face his fears and his enemies once and for all.
A sudden thought came to him and he near hit himself in exasperation. All was forgotten as he turned on his heel, frustration turning to a small smile of hope as he strode purposefully out of his study.
x
Elrohir had been seated before the fire, his face as black as his thoughts when he heard the door open.
"Busy, Roh?"
There was something abnormal in Legolas's voice, but Elrohir had not been paying enough attention to work out what it was.
"Nay. Lass, please, I must apologise --"
"I have something for you," Legolas said, and this time Elrohir could hear the smile and the excitement in his lover's voice.
Not wanting to disappoint Legolas any further, Elrohir tried to force a smile.
A warm presence filled his arms, and Elrohir jerked as something moist touched his face.
"Easy, Roh, 'tis only a pup!"
"What?" Elrohir said, feeling and hearing the small creature sniffling at him curiously.
"Her mother perished during her birth, and I have been caring for her since," Legolas said. "I thought you would like to have her around you."
Elrohir allowed the small dog to lick him behind his ears. The affection that emanated from the puppy was unrivalled, save from what Legolas showered on him.
"Let us name her," Legolas said, still standing a distance away from Elrohir, watching him.
"What do you suggest, Lass?"
"She is yours, Roh."
"Mine?"
"I thought you might like to have her with you at all times."
"Because of my eyes."
Elrohir felt Legolas take his hand, but he kept his face turned away.
"I do not wish for this, Roh, and would gladly exchange mine --"
"No, Lass! I will never have your beautiful eyes darkened. I know how you are looking at me now, and 'twill never be burned from my memory how those sapphires glow with sweet, felicitous content."
"So you will keep her?"
"As surely as I love you, Lass-nîn, I will keep Amdirloth by me."
"Hope's blossom. A beautiful name, seron -- beloved --."
Elrohir did not answer.
"Please, do not think I offer her as a replacement, for --"
Elrohir's head snapped into a rigid lock.
"I never thought that, Legolas. Never did such a notion cross my mind. Are you trying to tell me something?"
"Roh, I fear this business with this Dark Lord has yet to be resolved. I will not rest 'till all responsible for hurting those whom I love are properly indicted for their felonies."
"This vengeance is so unlike you."
"Too long have I shunned vengeance! I just want a chance to defend you!"
"You have done enough of that! Valar, Lass, remember what transpired the last time you sought to protect me!"
"I only wish that you trusted me enough to allow me to do as I deem fit."
Elrohir bit back his retort as he heard the uncertainty in Legolas's voice.
"I am near to bringing down this evil. Already I have identified the spy within our ranks," Legolas said when Elrohir failed to answer. "All I ask for is you to trust me to do what is right."
Fingering the dog behind her ears, Elrohir said, "I trusted you with my heart, Lass. It is in your hands to do as you may with it."
"It is in good hands, I promise."
"Now, I must leave you here. I do not want this any more than you, Roh, but there remains some business for me to attend to."
