CARRY ON WAYWARD ROAD

THE WEB WE WEAVE

CHAPTER 12

Several more days had passed, the boys had enjoyed the safety of the home for almost 2 weeks. That was record time for them to be in one place, especially these days.

Dean had regained most of his strength and had healed, physically he had completely healed, he still had moments he didn't feel like eating much, but knew it was necessary for his strength. Mentally, he had healed more than ever before. He was broken. He knew that. Sam knew that. Nancy knew that. There was no way to completely fix him, but he had come a long way in the short time they were there.

Sam wanted to stay, he knew his brother would have nothing to do with that, but, he wasn't going to let them walk out of the only place he's felt at home without at least discussing it with Dean. He had waited until everyone went to bed. Dean had gotten tired of the couch, but there was only one single bed in the guest room, that was quickly becoming a nursery too.

Sam had offered the bed to Dean, to give him a break from the couch, but Dean had refused, every night it was the same. He wanted his little brother to have the room, the comfort of the bed. Usually, the boys would have worked around each other and fit in the bed together. Protecting each other. But, Dean was still having a hard time with that kind of physical contact. He didn't want anything to do with another man, even if it was his own brother, being around him, touching more than just his arm or to help him stand or walk.

Tonight, was different. Tonight, Sam sat in the living room, waiting for everyone to go to bed. He hadn't offered the room to Dean, instead he wanted to talk to him, in private, and figured the best place to do that was downstairs, while everyone else was upstairs. Dean could tell by Sam's behavior something was up. He didn't mention what he noticed, he waited for Sam to bring it up. After everyone went to bed, Sam sat in the chair, silent.

"What is it?" Dean asked.

"I wanted to talk to you about something." Sam replied.

"Okay?"

"Can we stay? Stay here?"

"What! Um… Sam, you know better than that."

"I know, I know we have a job to do, people to save, the whole family business stuff, but… Dean, I feel like… I don't know, this is the first time I've ever felt like I had a home, a family, I mean besides you of course, but this just feels…right."

Dean agreed with Sam, but he also knew they were hunters and their welcome would soon wear out. He wanted to leave before that happened. He hated that every bridge they seemed to cross got burnt in the end. He wanted, more than anything, for things to be different this time.

"Sam, you know we can't, we have a job to do and it's a dangerous gig, we can't put the safety of innocent people in danger because you 'feel like you're at home'." Sam had dropped his head.

"Dean, I know the way you've been acting. I know you're ready to go, ready to move on, find another hunt. But, I'm not! I don't want to leave! I like it here, and I know Nancy would let us stay, as long as your normal hard headedness doesn't get us kicked out. Dean it's just not fair! I finally feel like I'm a little bit normal, like I have a family and a home and you want to just rip that away from me!"

Sam was getting upset, raising his voice a little higher with each word.

"Sam! Would you lower your voice? You don't want to wake anyone. Look, I said we had to leave, I didn't say it had to be tonight. But, yes, we have to leave soon. I don't want to overstay our welcome. Sammy, I've enjoyed it here as much as you have. I couldn't be more thankful that you brought me here, gave me a place to heal, to get better without having to continue to fight. I'm thankful for what everyone has done. I feel better than I have in a long time. I'm ready to go back out there, face life again. Face OUR life again. We can't keep pretending that we live a life we don't."

"Why not? Isn't that what we always do? Pretend to be someone we're not? We have fake IDs for a reason, Dean, several of them, so we can pretend to be someone else."

"Sam, you know that's for our job, not…"

"Not for our pleasure? Is that what you were going to say? So, we aren't allowed to have any pleasure in life? No fun? We're not allowed to be normal? Why? because we got stuck with a dad who was obsessed with hunting, who trained you to be his perfect little soldier and nothing else, that means we have to keep up the gig? We can't stop to have a little pleasure? A little enjoyment?"

"Sam…"

"NO! I won't stop! I'm being serious, Dean. I'm sick of this. Just because Dad beat the hell out of you, making you afraid to disobey, doesn't mean you have to continue it. I mean, what the hell are you afraid of? You afraid someone's gonna come in here, rape you or beat you or something, if you don't keep up Dad's work?"

Sam had just crossed the line, but he was too upset to even notice. "I mean, get real. I know you've been through some shit, but don't you think that entitles you to have some enjoyment too? Some safety? I mean, you've lived your whole life digging deep in other's crap. You've taken beating after beating everywhere you've gone. You can't say you haven't felt safe here. I know you have. No one has hurt you."

Sam lowed his voice a little, realizing he was getting too loud again. "I've never seen you so relaxed, so open and honest. All you ever do is fear, that's all you've ever done. You can pretend like you don't, you can pretend to be all tough, but I see right through you. I've seen you broken, remember? It wasn't too long ago I was having to keep your gun away from you. Dean, you haven't even had your gun, or your knife. You haven't had to sleep with anything under your pillow since we've got here. It's just not fair that we can't stay some place we are so safe at."

"Sam, please, lower your voice. Life isn't fair, okay? So, get over it."

"Really Dean? Really! Just because you feel like life hasn't been fair to you, doesn't mean it doesn't have to be fair to me. I'm so sick and tired of having to live off of your pain! Someone hurts you, someone does you wrong, and I have to pay for it? Oh yeah, that's right, it's so you can protect me, I forgot. Well guess what! Maybe I don't want your protection."

Was that an invisible knife that just stabbed Dean through the heart? "Maybe you can't protect me enough anymore. Maybe this is what I need, the protection of an actual family. Not a brother who acts like my mom, and dad. You could never be the man our dad was. You could never be that strong. Dad was right, that's all you're good for, being the woman of the house. You can't protect me from everything. You never have been able to. Your so-called protection, is just you putting yourself in danger, for me, instead of me."

"Sam." Dean had tried to warn him to lower his voice again. He was allowing his brother to vent, but didn't want him to wake everyone else up in the process. "Please, sit down."

"Stop Dean! Just stop! I don't need you to keep telling me what to do, I don't need you to protect me anymore. I don't need to continue feeling guilty that you keep getting hurt to 'protect' me. I'm my own person, I can make my own decisions in life, and, I chose to have a family. A home."

"That didn't work out so well for you last time, did it?"

"SHUT UP DEAN! Just shut up! Things are different now, there's no yellow eyed demon to kill like he did Jess. That's the only reason it didn't work, because of that damn demon. It's gone, you killed him. And I want another chance at a normal life. I hate the life we live. I always have! You know that."

"So, what are you going to do? Run away again?"

"No, I'm going to stay right where I'm at, and if you don't like it, well then, you can be the one to leave this time. I'm done running. I'm done running from the demons inside of your head. And, if that means that we're done being brothers, well then, that's what it means."

"Sam… you don't mean that."

"Yes, I do! And, the way I see it, if you get the same fucked up punishment for allowing me to separate from you as you did before, then maybe you deserve it? Besides, it's not like Dad is around anymore. He sacrificed himself, remember? He traded his life for you, didn't give a shit about me, didn't care that he was my father too."

Yep, that was definitely an invisible knife sticking out of Dean's chest. "It was all about Dean Winchester, his perfect soldier, something he would never get out of me. I was never that weak. I would never allow him to beat on me the way he did you. I would never allow him anywhere around me, especially sexually, I mean, how fucked up in the head does someone have to be to allow that, especially from his own father. I mean, I gotta say, Dean, at least in the home we got Beth from, it wasn't your own family. I saw you, when you got caught, you willingly let them do whatever the hell they wanted to do to you. You must have enjoyed it. Did you? Huh, Dean? Did you enjoy it?"

"Sam, please." Dean had eyes filled with tears, he was praying they wouldn't start falling. He hoped his brother didn't mean what he was saying, but honestly, he wasn't sure anymore.

No, he didn't enjoy it. He hated what they had done to him. He only allowed it the second time because he knew Sam had a job to do, he had to save Beth and, Dean being Dean, he sacrificed himself for the good. He hated what his dad done to him, and what he allowed to be done. Just the thought, would make him want to vomit.

He was finally feeling better. Feeling like he could conquer the world, but, Sam's words came crashing down around him. Leaving him feeling lost and desperate. He wasn't sure what he was desperate for, maybe for his dad? Maybe for the pain he felt he deserved? He wondered if he should just take care of that himself, the way he was taught. But in order to do that, he would have to get away from Sam, and right now, Sam had no desire to step away, not until he was finished venting all his feelings. Not until he was finished tearing his big brother to shreds.

But, he didn't have any words to respond back to Sam. He didn't have anything to defend himself with. He wasn't completely healed mentally, still broken, so, he didn't, he couldn't, disagree with what his brother was saying. He had stopped trying to convince him to lower his voice, that wasn't doing any good. Secretly, he had hoped Sam would wake Nancy, at least he would get a break from the pieces Sam was leaving shattered on the ground. He could get a break from the worthless piece of shit he was feeling.

He looked away, looked down at the floor, feeling that single tear drip from his eye, praying there wasn't more to come. He already felt like the crappiest person on earth, already weak as hell, and this, this damn tear, wasn't helping any.

"Well, did you? Or was it not as good not coming from your own dad?"

"Sam." Dean was sounding desperate to have Sam stop, but he didn't seem to notice, or care.

"Or maybe you just enjoyed the pain? At least you didn't have to self-inflict it, someone else took care of that for you. Don't worry, I know you swallowed all your so-called emotions with the bottles that littered the room. Just like Dad. You are more like him than I ever thought possible."

Dean couldn't even find it in himself to defend himself. "Even that anger in your eyes, the one that says you could shoot a bullet right through me, yeah, that's Dad. So, why don't you just get the hell out of my life? I don't want a fag hanging around me. You're so damn useless. All you do is try to be reckless, try to kill yourself or some stupid shit while on a hunt. And, I'm so tired of it, it's the same crap Dad always pulled, so he could have an excuse to drink his sorrows away."

'Please, Sam, please, don't do this. Don't push me away.' Dean begging in his mind.

"You've never been any different than him, always followed right there in his footsteps, being his perfectly trained little soldier, even his lover. If you like fucking guys so much, then just do it! But stop crying around about it, if it gets a little rough, deal with it Dean, isn't that what you've always done? Just dealt with it? Never let anything bother you? Swallowing whatever is put in your mouth?"

"Sam… what the hell man, seriously?"

"Yeah, Dean seriously, I'm done, I'm done with your crap! I'm done worrying about you. You know what? If you wanna off yourself, then just do it! Just freaking leave! Maybe you'll end up back in hell with your old friends, where you belong."

"You want me to leave?" Dean was absolutely heartbroken over the words his brother had said, he lowered his head.

"Yeah."

"Okay, I'll be gone by morning." Dean said, in a quiet, saddened tone, trying to be tough, trying to not let the emotions out in front of Sam.

Sam's raised voice and angry words had woken Nancy, she stopped at the top of the stairs to listen to the brothers' conversation. She hated what she was hearing, but knew it was something that needed to be said. Both brothers, were broken.

Sam needed as much healing as Dean did. But, with Dean saying he would be gone by morning, meaning she wouldn't have a chance to talk some sense into the boys, had to intervein. She had to put a stop to this before Dean left, or worse, before he left and never returned, anywhere, for good.

Sam had told him to go off himself if that's what he wanted. And, basically, Sam had accused Dean of everything being his fault. He had accused him of enjoying all the pain and heartache he had been put through. Nancy knew better than to believe that, but also knew that was the words of their father ringing through Sam. Dean felt so sick, he just wanted to vomit at Sam's words. He wanted to give into his school girl attitude and just cry as hard as he could, but he wouldn't dare, not in front of Sam.

"Dean, Sam." Nancy said as she walked down the stairs, startling them both. "What in tarnation is going on down here?"

Dean was quick to speak, his normal behavior, "I'm sorry ma'am, we were just having a conversation and must have gotten too loud."

"Oh, really, Dean?" Nancy questioned. "As I can recall it was Sam's voice that woke me. Obviously upset over something." she looked over at Sam. "Wanna tell me what all that was about?"

"No ma'am." Sam replied, "just a conversation between two brothers."

"Look, boys, I wasn't born last night. You don't think I didn't hear you arguing? I didn't hear the beginning, but I sure as hell heard the middle and the end." She raised her eyebrows at Sam.

"I have nothing to apologize for." Sam replied.

Dean remained quiet. He hadn't said a word, nor had he planned to. His brother wanted him to leave, so he was going, and no one was going to stop him. He had said some things that ripped open every scar in his heart, leaving an aching in his chest. He had actually wished harm upon his brother, he had wished for him to be forced by a group of men, again. Sam had no idea what that was like. He only knew what his brother allowed him to see.

"I'm sorry ma'am." Dean stated. "When he gets upset, he gets a little loud."

"Dean, stop apologizing for your brother, he's a big boy, he can apologize if he feels the need." Damn, Nancy didn't mean to but she had just jabbed another knife into Dean's heart with that comment.

"Yes ma'am." was Dean's last response. He sat quiet the rest of the time, when asked a question all he would give was a nod or shake of his head, and sometimes a shoulder shrug.

"Okay, Dean, if you're going to shut down then I guess this conversation is over, for the both of you." Nancy said, looking back and forth between the two of them.

"Yeah, whatever, no surprise there! Can't show any emotions or allow anyone to think you're human, can you Dean?" Sam said irritated.

Dean, remained quiet. Didn't move from his seat. They were in Dean's make shift room. "Good night Sam, good night Dean." Nancy had heard enough, she was putting a stop to the hurtful words Sam was saying. Sam, just rolled his eyes and headed upstairs.

"Night Nancy." he replied as he went into his room. He refused to say anything to his pain in the ass brother. He was pissed and meant every word he had already said.

Nancy turned to Dean before following Sam up the stairs, "You okay, Dean?" she asked.

He still didn't answer, just nodded his head slowly.

"Okay, well, you get some sleep, you'll feel better in the morning. We'll talk then." She gave a loving pat to Dean's leg then turned to go upstairs to her room.

Dean remained planted in his seat. Thoughts running through his mind. Memories, hurting with the words Sam spoke. He waited to be sure that everyone was asleep. He quietly packed his few belongings into his duffle bag and made his way out of the home.

He took a long, hard breath, as he turned for one last look at the place he had called home. It was a lovely home, white siding with steps, lined by wooden rails that lead up to a porch that was as long as the front of the home, it had wooden rails all the way around it. Beds of flowers in front, the same as the back.

He hated leaving this home. He really did find it comforting and enjoyed the family life, but, with the words Sam said, knowing he meant every one of them. He couldn't stay. If that's what his little brother wanted, then that's what he was going to get. He closed the doors to the impala quietly, but couldn't help the sound of his engine starting. He had hoped it didn't wake the others as he left the driveway, hitting the road.

He shed, one little tear, wiping it away, he decided he wasn't going to look back, wasn't going to waste his time on his brother anymore. He had been opened, honest, more than ever before, with both Sam and Nancy, and this is where it led him. On the road, alone.