Chapter 11: Egg Yolks and Hangovers
Sheldon knew no matter how many times Penny reassured him it was normal to wake up with a blinding headache after consuming enormous amounts of alcohol, that he had a brain tumor. He was sure of it. No one could deal with this amount of pain and survive.
The symptoms were all there. He had an overly dry mouth, he vomited every time he thought of food moved his head or blinked his eyes, and there was a dull ache in his left temple. Definitely a brain tumor, how else could you explain it? Any other conclusions of course were kidney failure, an allergic reaction to something he ate the night before, or an alien parasite and his kidneys could not fail after one night of drinking, could they?
Although, if it was the food this might get him out of any Greek adventures Penny may bring into his meals.
Sheldon lifted his body from its previous position of hugging the porcelain throne and ever so slowly made his way to the sink. Even though he wanted to brush his teeth and get rid of the bile taste in his mouth, the idea of sticking the little brush full of bristles down his throat was enough to make him gag. Lord give me strength, he thought as he turned on the sink and stuck his face under allowing the cold water to run in rivulets down his face.
He then cupped his hands and brought some of the ice cold water to his mouth before swishing gently and spitting out the remains. Normally, he would clean the sink after such a bacterial ordeal, but truthfully he just wanted to lie down. He left the bathroom and made his way to the bed frowning at the lump already in his spot.
Nobody was supposed to be in his bedroom.
"Penny" he whispered as quietly as he could, before clutching his head and moaning in agony. Even whispering caused little hammers to go off in his skull. Though, by this point, they felt more like little jackhammers and less like regular hammers. Jackhammers were consistent like wasps or bees. Neither stopping until they stung their victim. He was currently the victim.
"Penny, please get up. You're in my room" he massaged his head, "no one can be in my room." He was met with loud snores (although Penny would deny ever snoring if he brought it up). Deciding to fight-the-fight of privacy later, Sheldon lay down on his bed next to Penny and prayed for mercy.
A few hours later he awoke to a high pitch grating noise and the sound of Penny singing in the kitchen. At one time this might have caused a happy fluttering in his chest, but today it made him want to physically throw Penny off a cliff or better yet, have her face off with one of the killer robots built by Walowitz. Either option was sounding better as time progressed.
He lifted his body from the bed making sure to go as slow as possible and left his room.
"Morning sweetie! Feeling better?" Sheldon met her enthusiasm and preppy nature with a grunt and a moan. She continued to make the loud grating noise.
"Penny, are you trying to kill me? If so I think there are some rusty tweezers in the bathroom that will do the job a little nicer." The tweezers were the result of one of Leonard's experiments. He had added too much of the sodium chloride in his mixture and the result had been a compound which was able to rust any metal object. Sheldon kept the tweezers as a reminder for Leonard to listen more often.
Penny grinned and began to pour more ingredients into the blender. He couldn't be sure, but the already blended portion looked like cold clam chowder and tomato juice. Now Penny added four egg yolks, honey, mint, and an entire cup of his favorite peach yogurt. If hell existed, it was in that blend.
"God lord woman, your concoction would make Spock himself disintegrate."
"Did Spock ever disintegrate?"
"What? No. I meant evaporate." Sheldon paused, "dissipate? Coagulate? Conjugate?" No, definitely not conjugate. If this was the result of what alcohol could do to the brain, he was never drinking again. No wonder some people never amounted to anything, the lack of brain coordination he was feeling at the moment was so low he might as well be in the Engineering department at the University building shelves with Howard.
Penny covered up the brew of disgustingness and pressed the power button on the blender. At first the mixture resembled a creamy red, and then it formed into a pale brown, before ending in what he had thrown up the night before. No way was he drinking that. "This sweetheart, is my family's secret recipe! It can cure any hangover."
"Penny, although I appreciate the thought" Penny glowered but listened, "I refuse to allow any of that hillbilly mumbo jumbo to touch my palate."
"Palate" Penny asked before reaching for a cup leaning precariously in the drainer. The smell of the mixture wafting through the air was enough to make him want to run to his office in the University. At this point he would even ride a bus without his bus pants and he hadn't done that since Penny had her acting class. "You eat the same things Sheldon; you don't have a palate that can't handle my family cure."
"I disagree. A cure as it were, can be anything from rosemary for a rash or Tylenol for a headache. What you have in that mixture" Sheldon pointed to two filled cups on the island (he was glad to see she didn't plan on making him do this alone) "is something my body does not plan on drinking."
"Okay well, I see you clutching your stomach and rubbing your temples. I'm only trying to help." Penny took a huge gulp of the smelly drink and managed to not grimace as the texture went down her throat. Sheldon figured she must have had a lot of practice with the 'family potion' in the past.
"Delicious" he asked trying not to smirk.
Penny smacked her lips and grinned, "I feel better already. How are you?" She feigned innocence with big eyes and a cheery disposition. It was very upsetting. "Would you like me to fix you breakfast Sheldon? Sausage? Bacon? Eggs and fried chicken?"
Sheldon tried not to throw up and admit defeat. "Penny, you know for a fact today is French toast day."
"Oh you so you want me to make you French toast?" Penny reached behind her for the covered loaf of bread. She held it in her hand and made to put it in front of Sheldon's face. Sheldon squirmed.
"Don't be ridiculous" Sheldon muttered before admitting defeat and walking quickly, definitely not running, into his bedroom. He ignored the sound of the barstool he had been sitting on crash on the floor. He ignored the sound of Penny dumping the chunky mixture in the sink and he ignored her consistent little giggles.
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Penny waited a couple hours for Sheldon to pop out of his bedroom ready for food or aspirin, but he never did. She decided to spend the time catching up on episodes of The Bachelor, Jersey Shore, and Say Yes to the Dress. All the shows Sheldon had asked her (scolded her) not to watch and were deemed unfit to be seen in his apartment.
Dating Sheldon was definitely different than what she had expected. She thought there would be a lot of weird experiments and arguments. She expected more Sherlock Holmes type personality traits and quirky mannerisms. Instead she got quiet nights at home with a much more comforting Sheldon. It was sweet.
Penny got up from the couch, stretched, and made her way to Sheldon's bedroom. She knocked quietly before stepping inside.
The bedroom was empty.
Penny made her way to Leonard's room and saw that it too was empty. Crossing out the rest of the options due to the shape of the apartment and the idea of Sheldon jumping out of a window seeming unfit for the size of his ego, Penny made her way to the bathroom to find Sheldon scrunched up to the toilet clutching a Flash towel. He seemed to have fallen asleep with his head on the tile and the towel partially on his face and on his chest.
Penny got on her knees and crawled towards his body. She pressed her hand against his forehead, "Sheldon, did you throw up?"
"No, I decided the best place to get sleep was on a cold hard floor." The words were slightly garbled into the towel, but the sarcasm was well intact.
"You must be feeling better to behave like such an ass." Penny quietly chuckled before making her way around Sheldon's body to turn on the bath. Whenever her girlfriends had hangovers they would cure themselves with more alcohol or special remedies. Leonard would take six aspirin and eat a bunch of greasy food. Penny had never had to really take care of anyone. Sheldon was different. Sheldon was always different.
"Penny I hurt." It broke Penny's heart to hear so much confusion come from the brilliant genius' mouth.
"I know sweetie. Let's get you into the tub, alright?" Penny stretched to feel the waters temperature before concluding it was good enough for the moment and wrapped her hands around Sheldon's waist. "I need your help here Sheldon. We need to get you up."
Sheldon used his legs to help out as much as he could. It still took a couple attempts and all of Penny's upper body strength to get him fully erect (mind out of gutter).
"Okay Sheldon" Penny tried not to pant as Sheldon leaned all his weight against her, "time to get into the bath. Think you can step into it on your own?"
"Penny I can't get into the bath with my pajamas!" Sheldon tried to move away.
"Why not, I plan on getting in there with all my clothes too!"
"These are my Saturday pajamas!"
"So? We can wash them later." Penny let go of Sheldon and took a step into the tub. The warm water cascaded over her toes and she immediately pulled the tab to turn the slow jet into a full-fledged shower. Sheldon stood glaring. "Come on Sheldon I have the water at sixty percent warm, forty percent cold. We need to warm you up and get you clean." Penny held out her hand.
"How can taking a shower in my clothes help me feel clean?" Sheldon leaned against the wall trying to ignore the way Penny's gray Nebraska shirt clung to her when wet.
"You need to bathe and you have no strength to do so alone. Would you like to do this naked?" Penny reached to the hem of her nightgown and began to slowly pull up. Right when Sheldon was about to see some pink and white boy shorts he stopped her. "That's what I thought."
"My mother raised me to be a gentleman Penny."
"I know." Penny smiled. Sheldon took her hand and stepped in bracing himself for warm water to hit him in the face.
"Close your eyes Sheldon. I'm going to wash your hair." Penny pulled out the Star Wars shampoo and poured a good amount onto her palm. She tried not to faint in shock as Sheldon listened to her and closed his eyes almost immediately under the hot water. "Wow you must feel bad." She lathered her hands.
"I do. Which is why I'm not even going to tell you that lathering is bad for your shampoo" he leaned further into the warm water.
"I don't even want to know." Penny reached up for Sheldon's head and slowly slid her fingers through his hair scraping gently against the scalp with her fingernails. She used the motion to bend Sheldon more towards her so she didn't have to stretch as far. The shampoo started to form bubbles and Penny continued to massage it in.
Sheldon must have been enjoying the massage because his entire body began to become limp like a noodle. Penny began to hum and she messaged his temples to his forehead and back down. Repeating the same pattern over and over. "Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur. Happy kitty, sleepy kitty, purr, purr, purr."
Penny reached to massage the point on the base of Sheldon's skull and his neck. She pressed deeper into the joints and felt Sheldon vibrate and release all his tension. If Sheldon were a kitten at this point, like his favorite little song, then he would definitely be part of the purr, purr, purr verse. He seemed quite content.
She lowered his head into the spray of the shower and removed all of the shampoo. Penny used a loofa and some of the Chewbacca body wash on Sheldon's hands, arms (under his shirt), and face. He continued to stand still under the warm water with his eyes closed. "Thank you Penny for taking care of me." He yawned.
"Aw, you're welcome sweetie."
Penny quickly turned off the water and stepped out picking up two big downy towels for Sheldon to wrap himself up in. "Let me go get you some pajamas Sheldon." She left before he could say anything about his 'days of the week' pajamas and made her way to his room. Sheldon was still there clutching the towels when she came back.
"But, Penny…"
"I'll do the damn wash Sheldon. I'm going to leave you to change. Let me know when you are ready."
"I'm not a child."
"Didn't say you were" Penny quietly shut the door behind her and leaned up against it. Sooner than she expected, Sheldon called for her already dressed in a clean pair of pajamas with his old pair and used towels folded neatly on top of the toilet. Typical.
"Now what" he asked looking far too innocent.
"Now we watch Doctor Who and relax." Sheldon's face brightened at the thought, "I love Doctor Who!"
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"Poor Leonard" Bernadette murmured before chomping down on the chocolate chip cookie Howard's mother had given her when she walked in. Bernadette was not overly fond of the woman who preferred to call her 'the little Catholic girl,' but the cookie was a nice touch.
"So, he saw them kiss and then what" Raj asked sitting on the floor leaning up against Bernadette. Instead of a chocolate chip cookie he held a glass of vodka and cranberry juice. Whoever had decided the cure for select mutism was alcohol clearly had a sick sense of humor.
"He just watched. They never noticed him." Howard leaned forward and braced his hands on his tight pants, "I'm glad he saw it though. The man tried to use a loveseat as an apology. You can't grow your balls back after something like that."
"How did he lose his balls" Bernadette asked with confusion.
"No I just meant" Howard watched her reaction and figured as always his sarcastic comment had gone over her head. "Never mind Bernie, it's not important."
"Howard do you and your little friends want some meatloaf sandwiches from the deli" Howard's mother screeched from the first floor of the house. Her extremely gravelly voice could cut through the thickest of walls. "I've got a coupon!"
Howard looked from one face to the other before responding, "No thank you we are fine."
"Are you sure? Mrs. Goldman from across the street said they were something to brag about and you know how much I would love to prove her wrong!"
"Enough with the meatloaf sandwiches Ma, you are embarrassing me in front of my best friend and my girlfriend!" Howard tried to ignore the look of exasperation coming from the faces opposite of him.
"I'm sorry Mr. Big-Shot with the fancy job and the degrees" Bernadette scrunched her face as the last word was shrieked even louder than the rest, "would the 'little Catholic girl' like some more cookies? Does the cutie need more alcohol?"
"Go get your sandwich Ma, we're fine."
"You want me to get you some more Oreo's?"
"I hate you. You hear me you harpy, I hate you!" Howard calmed down as he heard the thump thump of his mother walking down the stairs. The usual clangs, squeaks, and groaning noises were music to his ears. This meant she would be leaving for a couple hours. Freedom at last.
"Howie you should be nicer to your mother."
"I agree dude."
"Well" Howard moved his bangs out of his face, "when either one of you decide to move in here I'll make sure to take notes and see how well you handle her. You will buckle in less than a week. In fact, I'll bet my fancy degrees on it."
"Fancy degree? You have a Masters" Raj snort into his red cup and took another gulp of his delicious beverage. Alcohol was such a gift from the Gods. It was delicious. Like candy in a cup with a little extra bonus. "We should all play paintball again, that was fun."
"We would need a new team player since Leonard is presumably off the team" Howard responded glad for the change in topic.
Raj nodded in agreement, "definitely. We should also take Sheldon surfing." He had never been surfing, Leonard had never been surfing, Sheldon definitely had never been and Howard hated the sun. It was a perfect idea for a future outing!
"Uh oh" Bernadette whispered after she finished her cookie and wiped the excess crumbs off her dress. "I think somebody has had a little too much to drink."
"How can you tell" Howard asked watching Raj drain his cup.
"You know what we should do" Raj slapped his hand against his thigh and allowed the empty red cup to roll on the floor. "We should set up Leonard, Sheldon, and Penny on a blind three-way date. Then they can talk and sort things out. Everyone would be so much happier!" Raj suddenly frowned and looked up expectantly to watch Bernadette, "how come nobody loves me Bernadette? I have a creamy chocolate outside yet nobody believes I have a chocolate creamy inside. I do though." He smiled, "I need to find the right girl and tell her that I have nougat and she has nougat and together we can be nougat."
"Right you're nougat." Howard groaned and dug his fingers into his forehead to relieve the sudden headache. Raj drunk was a mess.
"Howard was my nougat. Now he is your nougat." Raj leaned his head against Bernadette's knees.
"We can share him Raj. He can be both our nougats." Bernadette began to brush her hand through Raj's hair. "Someday you will find someone to make you feel complete Raj. I swear." Raj closed his eyes and smiled like a child on Christmas morning. "What are you going to do about Leonard Howard?"
"I'm not going to do anything anymore. I think he needs to figure it out." Howard smiled at the becoming site of his best friend and his girlfriend getting along so well. He had been worried to introduce them to one another (and a little scared Bernadette would find Raj a much more suited fit for her) but it had all worked out in the end.
"I think we should all get together and hang out. It might be fun. I can bring the girl Penny and I met while clothes shopping. Amy." Bernadette smiled, "we can just put this behind us and move on."
"That sounds perfect Bernadette."
"It does." Bernadette grinned before glancing down to the sleeping form on her legs. She moved her hand repeatedly on his scalp and felt him continue to relax.
"I want you to know, I was never his nougat." Howard smirked.
"Yes you were, you still are."
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Leonard stood on the outside of his old apartment door waiting for an epiphany. There had to be some way to go about this without making an even bigger ass out of himself. A loveseat, what on earth had he been thinking? Damn, his life was such a mess. It hadn't even been a year since he had met the girl-next-door with his best friend, invited her in for curry after getting a speech about regulating bowels, and yet here he stood trying to get back into his old apartment. He deserved all of it though. He knew he did.
Work was embarrassing now due to all the women he had slept with and all the women he hadn't slept with instead using their couches rather than their bodies. Mixing work and pleasure (or sleep) had to have been one of the stupidest things he had ever done. Stupider than cheating and he never thought he would have ever been someone to cheat, especially on someone like Penny.
Stupider than the time he and Raj had decided to smoke pot after both of them got stood up on a blind date. Raj had revealed the cure to his mutism and Leonard had opened up about his childhood. Neither of them talked about it after, well, Leonard now made sure to give Raj some alcohol if they were in the company of women and his voice was necessary to the event.
But, all of that had been before he had seen Sheldon and Penny. Before he had understood the most he would ever get from Penny would be friendship. He hoped it wasn't too late for even that courtesy. He sighed before knocking in a sharp staccato against the door. Quiet footsteps could be heard on the other side.
"If this is someone selling me cookies, I am not interested and I hate your products. If this is someone trying to tell me God is real and evolution is a myth, I hate your lifestyle and I hate what you stand for. If this is Koothrapali or Walowitz deciding to mock me out of my hangover, I hate you I hate you I hate you." Sheldon opened the door.
"Leonard?"
"Hey buddy, how's the hangover?" Leonard made his way into the apartment.
"Awful, what are you doing here?" Leonard turned around to face Sheldon.
"Are those your Sunday pajamas?"
"Yes" Sheldon yawned.
"It's Saturday."
"Yes" he rubbed his eyes.
"What have you taken for it?" Leonard decided to ignore the oddness of the different 'days of the week' pajamas and resume his initial plan.
"Penny took care of me when I was throwing up and then helped me bathe. Then we had some toast and" Sheldon paused, "I still don't know why you are here Leonard. It's been weeks since I have seen you."
"I know and I'm sorry." Leonard walked back to his old bathroom and pulled out three aspirin. He walked back into the living room to find Sheldon laying on the couch. Some things had changed since he left. The old Sheldon would never have allowed others to see him so weak.
"Here" Leonard handed him the aspirin and a bottle of water.
"Thanks."
"You're welcome." Leonard made his way to the back of the apartment and paused, "Sheldon?"
"Yes, Leonard?"
"I'm sorry."
"I know" Sheldon muttered into the back of the couch. "Leonard" he asked a little louder and Leonard was about to open the door to his old room.
"Yes, Sheldon?"
"You owe me a month's rent and two tickets to Comic-Con."
"You got it buddy" Leonard closed the door and snuggled on his bed. Home at last.
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Penny groaned as she poured the third tub of potato salad into another clear bowl. She then placed the bowl full of potato salad next to the other two bowls of potato salad. One of them had a mustard base, the other mayonnaise, and the third barbeque sauce. If the Zombie Apocalypse took place tonight, they might have to survive on potato salad.
"Well this is ridiculous. This has Walowitz written all over it. Who needs three types of potato salad" Sheldon scowled while glancing down at the three insulting bowls of potato paste. "If I had been in charge of everything there would have been more order!" Sheldon raised his hands to conduct in the air as if strategically outlining the food at this particular outing.
"One tub of potato salad, one tub of macaroni salad, two bags of chips, fruit, hotdogs and burgers with condiments on the side and homemade cookies for later." Sheldon raised his brow at Penny before throwing his hands in disarray, "instead we have potato salad, potato salad, potato salad, chips and chips, and hot dogs and burgers. No cookies."
"I think it is great he went out of his way to get all of us together" Penny smiled before opening up the bag of chips.
"Yes, but having a barbeque at the park is not the way to do it."
"Well, today is hamburger day and look" Penny pointed to Leonard who was currently warming some charcoal for the grill, "we are making hamburgers. No one has to worry about upsetting your palate."
"Perhaps" Sheldon frowned and fiddled with one of the other bags of chips. This one was sour cream and onion.
"What's wrong Sheldon?"
"Are you okay with Leonard being here?" Sheldon glanced over to Penny before opening the bag in front of him.
"Honestly…yes. I didn't think I would be, but I think after some time he and I will be able to become friends-"Penny turned around quickly to a sudden noise behind her.
"Hi, my name is Amy Farrah Fowler to those of you I haven't met and I have brought my Mother's homemade snicker doodle cookies. They are extra on the snicker and less on the doodle." Amy was met with stunned silence from both Penny and Sheldon, "I'm sorry did I interrupt something?"
"Hey Ames, Mom buy you that dress?" Amy was currently wearing a red and white polka dotted blouse with a lot of fringe and a black skirt. Black loafers finished the ensemble, but that was definitely Amy all the way.
"Yes actually. I believe mothers are only good for one thing after a certain age and that is guilt."
Sheldon snort, "I agree. When you grow up in East Texas with a mother who believes Jesus is reason enough for anything to happen, the end result is always guilt."
"Noted. I will never visit East Texas," Amy smiled quickly before plopping the cookies in the center of the table.
"My mother was amazing" Penny interrupted the awkward silence, "when I wanted to become an actress she celebrated by making me a celebratory pie. Also, when my first audition didn't go well…" Penny stopped when she noticed the matching expressions of disdain. "What?"
"Your mother made you a pie even though you didn't get the job" asked Amy.
"Your mother celebrated your lack of dedication" finished Sheldon.
"Hey" Penny exclaimed, "it was really sweet of her to do. I needed the comfort and she provided it for me."
"With pie" Sheldon pondered for a few seconds, "Amy, would you like a beverage?"
"Certainly, provided you can show proof of purchase so I know who to blame if I come down with any virus or melanoma from the soda can." Penny tried not to blanch at the blasé way this conversation was going about deadly virus and sickness occurring from soda cans. Honestly, she found this conversation to be very confusing.
"Absolutely" Sheldon exclaimed clearly finding no fault. He then guided her to the ice bucket full of all the beverages and began to describe in detail where each one was made, bought, and found.
"You might want to get that glower off your face" Leonard whispered suddenly beside her, "someone might think you were jealous."
"Please, why would I be jealous? He just met her."
"I didn't say you had any reason to be jealous. Sheldon would never hurt you, but that isn't stopping the look on your face."
"Why wouldn't he be better off with her" Penny slurred. "I'm always going to be the disappointing actress and he is always going to be the brilliant mind genius guy. Amy is a Neurobiologist. I don't even know how to spell that." Penny pointed to where Sheldon and Amy were concluding on soda choices, "everyone can see people like them together right?"
"You have to be kidding. Do you know how much Sheldon has changed for you? He hugged you first. He saw your ass and your breasts first. He helped you when you were injured first and you made him spaghetti and hot dogs first. You will always be his first. No one will ever compete with that."
"Doesn't mean I will be his last" Penny glowered.
"No it doesn't, but you will leave him before he leaves you. Do you want to leave him Penny?"
"No."
"Then get over this and scoop up some potato salad!"
"I hate you" Penny laughed somewhat sullenly.
"I know." Leonard smiled and made his way back to the grill.
"Penny, Amy had the most wondrous idea." Sheldon quickly made his way from the soda bucket and approached Penny. Penny thought of a thousand scenarios. He could say something like, 'Amy and I have thought of having a baby even though we both hate being touched' or, 'Penny, Amy and I have thought about switching our bodies with another species and making ourselves into human bats.' Or something equally ridiculous wasn't that how all of their conversations went?
"What is the wondrous idea?"
"We should ride on a train!"
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Part B should be up shortly. I know these chapters have been short, but I am just easing myself back into this. I hope everything is sufficient. Part B) More jealousy, Shenny SEX, date number 2, killer robots against Will Whedon. Dun, dun, dunnn…: )
