Hi, Everyone! So sorry for the delay, but I have three chapters ready to go in rapid succession! Thanks to all of you who keep asking for updates, and to you who love and support this story!
JASPERS POV
So, we had come to it at last. The moment of truth, the moment of reckoning. She had brought it out into the open, and there was no turning away from it.
Everything that she said was right. I had called her sister. I had protected her, fought James for her. And I had tried to kill her. Would have killed her, if it hadn't been for Edward. She was right, and I had no idea what to say. I felt guilty for what I had done. I had told everyone else – Edward, Alice, Carlisle, Esme – that I was sorry for what I had done. But I had never told Bella. I had never told Bella.
Ashamed, I sighed. What kind of man – thing – was I that I could try to kill my brother's love and not try to make amends? I dropped my head, closed my eyes, and in as humble a voice as I could muster, said, "I'm sorry," to Bella.
BELLAS POV
"What?" I couldn't keep the shock from my voice.
Slowly he raised his head. His eyes were dark, the molten gold having hardened into a dull shine. "I'm sorry. For trying to kill you. You trusted me, and I let you down. I'll always be sorry for it."
I couldn't believe it. He really meant it. There was no doubt in my mind that he really meant it. I could see the regret on his face, hear it in his voice. And I had no idea how to respond.
He must have sensed my confusion because a small, ironic smile came to his lips. "Weren't expecting that, huh?"
I didn't see any reason not to tell him the truth. "I definitely was not expecting that."
Jasper lifted an eyebrow in question. "What were you expecting?"
I looked over at him. He was stretched out on the bed, his long body completely relaxed, legs crowed at the ankles and hands behind his head. In that particular moment, I hated him for being able to remain so calm and relaxed in a situation like this one. I was on edge, jumpy, and just generally pathetic. I couldn't let him get the upper hand, though. So I steeled myself. I gathered around me every bit of pride, of courage that I had within me, hoping it would be enough to keep him from having a huge advantage over me.
And when I finally answered him, I congratulated myself for the fact that there wasn't the slightest hint – not even the smallest tremor – of nervousness in my voice. "I'm not sure, exactly. Maybe excuses. You know, ones like, 'Hello, vampire. It's what I do.' Or, 'I just couldn't help myself.' But for you to apologize – that was a surprise."
Jasper shrugged his shoulders and looked up at the ceiling. "I've had a lot of time to think about that night, about what happened and how things went down. And it sure as hell isn't one of my proudest moments."
Was I hearing him right? It sounded like it still bothered him. But it had been five years ago! Surely he wasn't still beating himself up over something that happened that long ago, right?
Speculations again. But this time I wasn't going to settle for speculations, for guesses. As long as Jasper was in the talking and apologizing mood, I was going to get some damn answers.
"Jasper, that was five years ago. You can't possibly still be thinking about what happened." In fact, chances were that he hadn't thought about it in years, until he ran into me the other day.
"Bella," he was still looking at the ceiling, "I regret it every day. Every single day."
If he had pledged his undying love for me right then I couldn't have been more surprised.
"What?" I knew I sounded like an idiot, but I couldn't help it. I was sure my eyes were "holy shit" wide and my mouth may have even been hanging open a little. But damn, in my own defense, I felt kinda like I'd been hit be a Mack truck.
I sat frozen, staring at Jasper as he very slowly, very deliberately, turned his eyes to me. And then I was drowning in the molten gold, so familiar because it was the same color as Edward's eyes, yet so foreign because it was Jasper. His gaze was solid, unwavering, and I was powerless to turn away or even to speak. I was flooded by emotions I could not identify – anger? excitement? attraction? fear? - and it was clouding my mind.
I saw the corners of Jasper's mouth lift in a semi-smile. "It's confusion," he said, his voice low.
"What is?" I asked.
"The emotion you're feeling. Collectively, it's confusion."
"Get out of my head," I demanded. I hated that he could put into words things about myself that I could not. And I still hadn't figured out why Jasper's gifts worked on me when Edward's hadn't.
"Bella."
I tensed when he reached out and splayed his hand open-palmed over the left half of my chest. "I'm not in your head. I'm in your heart."
My breath clogged in my lungs and I was sure that my heart was going to beat through my chest. The weight of his hand on me was the only thought in my mind. Had Jasper ever touched me before? I couldn't remember. He didn't move his hand. I watched him carefully.
His eyes closed and an almost peaceful look came over his face. He tipped his head sideways.
"What are you doing?" I asked, my voice quiet because the situation seemed to call for it.
"Just listening," he said without moving. "And feeling."
I didn't know what to do. I knew I should move, but honestly, I didn't want to. Something compelled me to stay still, to sit quietly with his hand over my heart.
"You've got so much life inside you, Bella. I almost took it from you once."
I couldn't help it – my mind turned back to that night. I remember being uncomfortable, embarrassed because I was the center of attention. Alice had gone way overboard – as Alice was prone to do – with candles and gifts and a huge cake. I had asked her not to make a big deal out of it, but she never listened to me when it came to things like that. I do remember that I had been excited about one thing – spending my birthday with Edward. Well, I hadn't actually been excited about it being my birthday at all; my eighteenth birthday meant that I had aged past Edward's eternally seventeen-year-old body. That fact I hated. But I did love the fact that I was going to be spending the evening with the Cullens – and with Edward.
The evening had started out so wonderfully. Edward had shared with me information about the Volturi, a powerful vampire clan in Italy who took it upon themselves to enforce vampiric law. And he had kissed me – something he had, in my opinion, never done enough of. That night, for the briefest period of time, I had truly felt like I was part of the Cullen family. Even now, without and effort at all, I could still remember, still feel, the intensity of the love I had felt for Edward Cullen then.
But with those happy memories, inevitably the horrible ones surfaced as well. It washed over me in a wave, the sorrow. Instantly I knew that it had been a mistake to open myself up to the memories of Edward, as my heart constricted and my lungs gasped for the air that I couldn't seem to take in. Oh, God, I needed Jacob.
Jasper must have seen the change in my eyes. Or felt the change in the rhythm of my heart, because he drew his hand away and asked, "What is it?"
I could not tell him, he would think me weak. I lifted my eyes to his face, saw his uncertain expression. And became angry. I hated that he was here, so close, to see me fall apart, after I had spent the last two days trying to impress upon him the fact that I was fine, that I was over Edward, and had moved on with my life. I was in real danger of having an emotional breakdown, and he was sitting there watching me, probably analyzing every feeling I was having. And I hated that. It pissed me off.
"Leave me alone." My voice was cold, hard.
"What?" I could tell he was trying to sort out the source of my abrupt mood change. I certainly wasn't going to tell him what it was.
"Go away, Jasper. I'm tired." I had to get rid of him somehow – I could feel the tears pooling in my eyes.
He drew back quickly, was back off the bed and by the door in a flash. "Fine," he said, his voice tight and cold. And then he was gone with a sharp slam of the door.
I forced myself to breathe. I had to, because otherwise the pain in my chest would suffocate me. It had been so long since I had allowed myself to think of Edward, so long since I had opened my mind to him enough to remember every curve of his face, the bronze of his hair, the feel of his touch. . . And now I was being overwhelmed. In truth, I would never have dreamed that he could still have this big of an effect on me. But apparently, he did. I turned over onto my good side and pulled my knees up to my chest, hoping to compress the pain. It was excruciating. I had forgotten that it was possible to hurt so much.
JASPERS POV
I should have just killed her. I really should have. Because she was driving me fucking crazy. It would have been better for both of us if I had just killed her. . .
Never could I remember having been provoked to violent anger so many times in such a very few days. The problem was, no matter how resolved I was to stay away from Bella Swan, something always happened to throw us back together. I didn't believe in karma, but if I did, I'd think that karma was using Bella Swan to pay me back for all the terrible things I had done in the past. But really, how could I be expected to deal with this fucked-up situation?
I mean, she – the bane of my eternal existence – was under my roof and sleeping in my bed. How did that even happen? I hated Bella Swan. Hated her. And here she was, in my house, a place that not even my family came to. I had to get rid of her, had to get her out of here. The problem with that was, if she wasn't here with me then she was going to be with the wolf. And to tell you the truth, the wolf concerned me a great deal. Jacob Black was strong and he was smart. And he loved Bella. The combination of those three things presented a relatively large problem for me. Because if I did kill her, I knew I would eventually have to fight him. And he could call for backup and the rest of his pack would come. I didn't have any backup. I couldn't involve the Denali clan in this mess – it was a Cullen affair. Unfortunately, I was no longer a Cullen. No, I was in this alone. So I knew I had to tread carefully until I was ready to fight the wolf.
I stopped pacing and stood still in front of the fireplace. I forced my mind to quiet, and closed my eyes. I took a deep breath and opened myself, reached out toward Bella. If I was going to find a way to get rid of her without killing her, I was going to have to get to know her, learn her strengths and weaknesses so I could exploit them.
The cabin was absolutely still, silent. I pushed out toward her harder.
The sorrow was so powerful that I staggered back a step. It was heart-rending and gut-wrenching. I had never felt such intense pain. It felt as if a huge hole had been punched through my chest. I clutched a hand to my heart, and even though it no longer beat, right now it ached.
What could possibly cause Bella this much pain?
I tried to think back to the conversation we had. She had been perfectly fine – friendly, even – until I mentioned the fact that I had almost taken her life once. But it's not like that was news to her. . . I mean, she was there, along with everyone else. Along with everyone else. Along with Edward. The thought hit me suddenly, and I instantly identified the source of Bella's pain. It was the loss of love. I recognized it myself, though I had to admit that I had never been as wrecked as it appeared Bella was.
This changed things. Now I understood why she did not speak of Edward. It was because she was not fully healed from the wounds he had given her. Interesting that I did not feel any love, though. She was, apparently, over that particular emotion. Or it was clouded by the intensity of her pain and I couldn't detect it. Either way, if this was the way that she felt off of the time, it was no wonder she stayed with the wolf. It would impossible to bear something like this alone.
Now what was I going to do? I had caused this. I was the reason that she was feeling this pain, because I was the reason Edward left her. What was I going to do?
I sat down heavily on the couch. The pain had not lessened. If anything, it had grown even more acute. I could have blocked her, and relieved myself of the torture of Bella's feelings. But I didn't. It only seemed fair that I feel what Bella was feeling, considering my part in it.
