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Back to normal with Nam's POV.
Chapter 12: The Realisation
Cupboard doors that are slightly ajar aren't noise proof, at all.
So, you would think, that meant I had heard everything, right? Well, yeah, I "technically" did but I don't think my body, mind, soul or heart had. I knew exactly what I had apparently heard, but those words would not line up in an order that made sense in my mind. It was like I had been listening to a TV show that had nothing to do with me so my physical and emotional self didn't take anything seriously.
There was a proper term for that, right? An out of body experience! That was it…
As I got ready for school I decided to check my body was still in a normal healthy condition and not like when, supposedly, you lose an arm and you can't feel the pain instantly. Or when you get a paper cut and it bleeds but you don't even notice any pain until you see it. There was a possibility my body was doing the same thing, right?
I stretched out my arms, they were fine and both were there, I kicked my legs a little, they were fine and I still had both too, I examined my mouth in the mirror, all my teeth were still there, I checked my fingers, no paper cuts.
My brow creased; was I not supposed to be feeling some pain? Nothing was missing on me so how was I supposed to feel the pain that should be storming through me right now?
Perhaps it was all a dream! You know: the thing about Roxas and stuff and that was why I felt normal (ish) because I actually knew it wasn't real and I just hadn't realised it yet.
I sighed, I didn't like this feeling. I didn't even know what to name it.
I had woken up early today, I was washed, dressed, hair done and my room was messy. It felt like the world was pointing me in the direction of cleaning it.
So I did, I might as well do what I'm told.
That was something I believed; we all have our fates and if it seems like everything is telling you to do something, you might as well get on with it. Luck had a good way of forcing me into things…
There I was scooping up clothes, fidgeting with the small objects on my desk, piling up all the bits of paper everywhere and making my bed. Once I felt the room had a satisfactory shine to it, I swung the curtains open and pushed the window open.
Sun spilled onto me and the crisp autumn air washed over me, soothingly. A smile curled my lips as the breeze swept over the room, giving it one last helpful sweep of cleanliness.
My stomach interrupted the tranquil moment and growled about its empty condition. I couldn't help feel disappointed with myself: that was so un-lady like.
But the ache of hunger grew suddenly and I found myself near enough dashing for the door. Who cares if I'm un-lady like? I'm hungry, that's all that matters.
The black glass swished past me and I marched down the hallway, fuelled by a need for Nic's French toast.
And in no time (I had learned some shortcuts lately); there I was drifting to the kitchen by the faint smell of French toast.
The door zoomed past me again, and I bolted into the room but only to bump into Nic. My senses burned at the momentary touch and, in a fluster, I leapt back from him.
"M-morning, Nic!" I stammered, it was far too early in the morning for this…
"Hey, Nam." He chuckled down to me, "I was just about to check you had woken up. Your breakfast will be ready in a minute."
I suddenly smelled the delicious scent that was my breakfast again. Where had it gone a minute ago?
I nodded to him and bounced to my seat next to my mother and father. Nic handed me a steaming plate of toast and I grinned a thanks to him while he sat across from me.
And as usual, the group broke out into a conversation with me nodding and mumbling every now and then, and stuffing my face with what ever yummy breakfast Nic had made.
As I chewed gratefully, I watched Nic. His eyes were still that mesmerizing green, his posture was politely casual and his dark slight curls were as perfect as ever: unlike Roxas' hair yesterday, it wasn't much different but definitely at least a little bit. I didn't care- Roxas could still make the blood swarm to my cheeks with a glance.
My thoughts wandered to Nic again. What was it Roxas had called him yesterday? My boyfriend.
The initial instinct to that statement for me, a relationship phobic and amateur, was nerves, nerves, nerves, runaway, pack a bag, get on a train and never return but the second instinct was a girly daze with tinted cheeks included.
I glanced to Nic again, heart racing. A boyfriend, eh? His eyes locked onto mine, gracious green watching a clumsy blue that couldn't be completely blue. A small smile met the corner of his lips and he gave me a wink to which I smiled back to and he continued the discussion with my parents.
My parents; unaware of anything. And it was really for the best, they didn't need to know anything, they would just stress, but then again, I wasn't completely one hundred percent sure if Nic had spoken to them or not. Well, if they knew or not, things were going smoothly, for once.
I looked to Nic again; it felt strange to call him my boyfriend. Did he think it was strange to say I was his girlfriend? Did he even think of me like that? I bet I was being up myself…
But still, Nic, a boyfriend? Nah, it didn't sound right. Don't get me wrong because I really really really really really do like his kisses and hugs and whispers but I couldn't get my head around the reason as to why he liked me of all people. He could probably have any one of those girls at school that draped themselves all over him… Damn skanks.
Nic did make me happy and he was most definitely the one person I was most comfortable with, he made such a strong surge of relief flow through me that it was weakening. I loved that about Nic.
But… ugh, I don't know! I just kept finding myself saying 'but or however or on the other hand' when it came to the subject of Nic being a boyfriend. Why must the mind and heart be so confusing?
And then it was time for school. The drive was too short as usual with Nic giving me a soothing pep talk that made any worries and any Roxas' dragging themselves about my mind go away. The relief washed through me again. Nic would always be there to support me and smile at me, he would never hurt me.
What about Roxas, though? Would he hurt me? I didn't want to think he would but I had been told other wise so many times and I 'think' I heard exactly what should have hurt me…
The car suddenly wheeled around a corner that wasn't familiar.
"N-Nic? Wrong way." I said peering out of the window.
The car stopped in a quiet spot, shaded by the leafless branches of withered trees.
"Nic, why are we…?" I trailed off, looking to Nic; he looked like he was calculating something of immense difficulties.
And then he looked up to me with a sweetly sad smile and warm eyes.
"Nic? What's wrong?" The alarm in me made my voice squeak and sound frightened.
"Nothing's wrong with me." He murmured leaning over to me, my cheeks flooded- he had that look in his eyes.
"Is there something wrong with me?" I asked as his hypnotizing, never ending eyes coaxed me into a trance.
"You seem sad and you have been thinking a lot since yesterday, you must be worried about something." He tipped in a little more and my thoughts scattered.
"I seem sad?" I mumbled as his lips brushed across mine, persuading me to let my mind go.
His hand touched my arm and his fresh scent swam in and out of my failing lungs, my heart was pounding. Nic gave me a small, careful peck and looked to me. My silence granted him permission and he pushed his lips to mine one more time. Only when I felt his hand glide up the cuff of my shirt was I reminded of school.
"N-Nic, s-s-school." Was all I was allowed to manage as he pressed his addictive lips to my cheeks and lips.
"Let me make you smile from this just one more time…" He whispered into my ear before placing a small kiss on it and pushing his lips onto mine again. I felt like I was dreaming in an impossible world of bliss…
I was late for class that day.
Stumbling into a class that watched me with equally eager eyes as the first day I came to this hellhole of a school, I dashed to the seat beside Roxas. My eyes watched only him when I entered the class, making my blush fire up more violently.
I sat down as quietly as possible because Roxas sat with his head resting on the top of his arms, his eyes closed and with a peaceful expression: sleeping. His hair was perfect today. Unfortunately my entrance to the class had made the teacher notice Roxas' unofficial break.
The teacher barked his name and Roxas shifted a little, scratching at his ruffled spikes and frowning in his nap. My insides tickled from just looking at this sleeping angel.
Could he really be using me and ready to hurt me without a blink of his perfect eyes?
But then, he caught me completely off guard when he mumbled as clear as mumbling could be, "Naminé."
My heart was soaring in the clouds at that moment, free in the clean air to beat as madly as it wanted to without the heavy ordeals of a mind to pull it down.
The teacher was stomping towards Roxas now and instinctively, I shook his arm a little to protect him from the wrath of the teacher.
"Roxas." I hissed, hunching to lean a closer to him and shaking his arm.
The teacher was waiting impatiently next to Roxas now, firing death glares at the sleeping boy.
Roxas' eyes fluttered open and he gazed up to me in a sleepy daze. Butterflies flittered in every part of my body at that moment as Roxas continued to look up to me with those dream-filled eyes and a grin that suited him beyond belief.
"Naminé." He greeted me in a whisper, flashing me a dazzling smile.
The teacher roared something at him and he sat up and took the brunt of the teacher's outrages, still half asleep.
While he listened to the teacher's irritated snaps, I lost the sense of physical control. I was far too warm, heat was pulsing viciously onto my skin, my breathing was ragged and my heart ached to break from its confining rib-cage. An energizing burning roared deep inside of me for the first time as the image of Roxas I had just been bestowed upon glowed ecstatically in my mind.
A need raged through me, Roxas was so close just to reach out and touch for a brief moment. I could do it… I had to. I feared if I didn't comply with this urge I may lose my sanity all together.
My eyes flickered to Roxas, the teacher had left some time ago, and I caught his hungry eyes staring back at me. My nerves screamed over the urge and I averted my gaze, my cheeks on fire.
That hour was not easily passed. But it did, thank heavens.
And a few others did too. Not that any of them were easy! But they trickled past and I soon found my eyes chasing crippling leaves that ran past the bandstand at lunch.
"So…" Roxas awkwardly began after a long pause of silence, "All set for the trip in a few weeks?"
"What?" I flatly replied.
"The trip, you ready and stuff?"
"What trip?" I frowned back.
"The school one, up north." Roxas replied scooting closer to me. I was too confused to flush at his movement.
"I wasn't told about it!" I whined, I didn't want to go on the damn school trip, I didn't like spending with the other pupils at school why the hell would I want to spend more time with them?
"But you're on the list they read out this morning."
I groaned and inwardly cursed Nic and his hypnotizing skills.
"How did I get on the list?"
"Every year, when the first term begins, pupils sign the forms for school trips. You must have to." Roxas shrugged, kicking his legs.
"No, no, no, I did not!" I fought back.
A memory flooded my mind. One of myself huffing and puffing about moving and my parents asking me to sign something, I refused, accusing them of trying to get me to sign an assisted suicide form and they told me they would sign it…
Crap.
"So, it looks like I'm going on a school trip?" I grumbled, glaring at the dry dirt ground, "Are you going?"
"Well," He sighed, in some form of happiness, "I wasn't… but when I heard your name called, I thought: I can't let her go alone, right?"
"Right, yeah!" I happily agreed. "So you are?"
"Yeah." He nodded.
I grinned to myself; maybe the trip would be alright then…
I loved these simple moments, where my blush hid away and allowed me to just act like a normal friend to Roxas. They were so calming and assuring of Roxas' loyalty to me.
School skipped past a little more comfortably that afternoon.
And then it was the end of my school day, I was practically bouncing on the bench to see Nic. I felt like I was supposed to go "Ha, told you so!" in his face about the full Roxas situation.
I had been with Roxas the full day and not once did I suddenly notice I was missing an arm and feel pain. It didn't happen once! So that meant everything was okay, right? What I had heard yesterday, I could forget, say it was a dream if I wanted to because Roxas wouldn't do that. Never ever would he use me like that. We were best friends, yeah? We were normal best friends going on a school trip in a couple weeks and everything was great.
My gaze flickered to him for a moment and I froze at what I saw. His eyes were slightly hidden under his sandy hair but it was obvious what his dramatic gaze was so intrigued by.
There was a group of students, our year, watching Roxas and I and exchanging sly words, clearly filled with a bitter edge. They looked disgusted at us. How did that make me feel? Sure a little self-conscious but I had gotten used to this.
Roxas? Well, when I looked to him my heart nearly stopped as sudden sadness clutched its frightening grip around it.
Although Roxas had averted his gaze from them a few times, each time his eyes flicked back them there was a longing that seeped in his eyes. From his eyes, it almost looked like his body was being held down from going to them and being accepted by them. His lips were pursed and his eyes still darted around looking for something else to focus on. Roxas' fists whitened as he held himself down to the bench.
And then I saw the blood, the blood I had never seen myself bleeding before. Its hideous red mocked me and pain seared through me, slowly and horrifically. I was hurt, I did have that missing arm or paper cut or whatever… I had just never seen it until I had seen Roxas looking like that.
The pain unashamedly tore me down into small breakable parts and suddenly the breeze felt as though it could smash me into nothing. I was shaking now, trying to hold my shattering self in place. My eyes became drawn to Roxas, I could feel them beg for an explanation to make the sheer, raw pain go away.
But Roxas did none of the sort and I only caught his eyes glimpsing at the crowd as they left the school grounds.
I felt my being shatter at that moment. And in those blood stained remains of myself reflected the obviousness I had missed all this time whilst being blinded by emotions.
From the very first day:
Roxas speaking to me in Maths in a mumble that was more to himself, he was planning back then what to do about me.
His touches, smiles and ways to make me fall deeper and deeper into my dependence of him.
Him asking me who Nic was, probably just double-checking.
That boy telling me to fear Roxas.
Nic warning me to stay away.
And then, the actual conversation I heard between Nicholas and Roxas confirming that Roxas was just trying to be accepted again for whatever misdeed he committed and seeing me as the free token to that acceptance he longed for.
I could taste the utter depression and rejection in my mouth, it nauseated me, and I could feel my weak, shocked and broken body beg me to give in and cry. My eyes felt wet but tears did not meet them.
More pieces feel into place:
Nic warned me to stay away from Roxas.
Even I concluded I needed to distract myself from Roxas.
Nic must have thought so too. So he did distract me, he must have seen it as his only possibility…
He didn't like me: he just wanted to protect me from myself.
He went along with it all to get me away from Roxas but never refused my feelings so he didn't cause me pain… like Riku. My heart was now pleading for the pain to stop. The blaring hiss of a sting that was surging through me kept cutting me up to pieces.
"You… you are using me. You just want to be accepted." I choked out into the deadly silent air. Could no one else hear my being slashed into tiny parts?
Out of the corner of my eye I saw Roxas shift on the bench to face me. My eyes were suddenly glaring at his shocked expression.
"You heard." He simply stated in a quiet, scared voice.
Why the fuck should he be scared? I'm the one who doesn't know who the hell to trust because it bloody seems like every time I do trust someone, it's thrown in my face.
I wanted to shout and kick and throw insults at him and tell him 'I hated him' and push him and glare at him with every emotion I had but my body was far too weak for any of it. The pain had hacked into every memory I had with him now and stained and tainted it with the blood I could feel my inner self bleed.
A car stopped in front of the bench. I stood up and wobbled a little. I was happy I had even strength to slap Roxas' hand away as he tried to help steady my unconvincing stance.
I got in the car and it was clear Nic understood perfectly well what was happening; his silence was solemn and respective. So that's what he meant this morning…
And we drove home and I went to my room, the only place in this world I felt safe from any more pain.
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