Chapter Eleven: Fight The Feeling
James and Sirius were getting more suspicious and less distracted by my attempts at diverting their attention from Remus and his monthly transformation. Sometimes I wanted to stop trying to avert their suspicions altogether and just let them figure it out so that we could get down to becoming Animagus - I had hit a roadblock in that particular pursuit and it was frustrating me more than I would care to admit.
Regardless of those thoughts, I still did everything I could to protect my brother's secret. I knew it wouldn't settle right in my stomach if I couldn't look him in the eye and tell him I did everything I could to keep it a secret. I was going soft.
Hell, when it came to Remus, I was always soft. Sometimes I look at him and still see the little boy who, two days after helping me out of a panic attack in our bedroom the first time I 'woke up', looked up at me with scared eyes in a too big hospital bed wearing a gown that swallowed his thin body. It didn't surprise me in the slightest.
Too many nights in a bed absorbing the physical trembles and emotional agony from a human being. Too much time spent chasing him around before a full moon to try and keep him occupied. Too many nights waiting outside what boiled down to a cage, separate physically but still feeling an ache in my muscles, bones, and soul as I heard him literally tear himself apart. Far too many days spent putting him back together after the wolf did it's best to break him apart from the inside.
The door opening jarred me from my pensive state, looking down at the grounds of Hogwarts where the sun was setting, casting an orange hue across the towering trees of the Forbidden Forest. Internally I steeled myself for the interrogation, knowing this had been coming since I saw Sirius and James whispering in Potions yesterday. I was surprised to find I was nervous, which was ridiculous considering I was mentally twenty five and the 'interrogators' were two overly curious and admittedly clever eleven year olds.
I turned around with an apathetic expression, taking in Sirius and James as they walked through the door and shut it behind them. Sirius, with his aristocratic features and easy grin that he used to hide the effects of an abusive home. The bespeckled James, his hair a constant mess, with his natural charisma which seemed to make people gravitate to him in a way no one so young should be able to do. I honestly never thought I would come to care for them - they were immature, arrogant, and loud.
They were also just boys using bravado to hide insecurities and doubt, who honestly wanted to just have fun and spread the humor. They were so young, full of life, and took every bit of life from it that they could - Merlin, I could never imagine two people so full of life before I met them.
I had planned to encourage Remus to be friends with them while keeping my distance, foolishly thinking I would to busy trying to learn everything I could to actually care for them. Sure, we would become Animagus together but only because I was the brother of their best friend. It started out as just being the one to make contact, building Remus a bridge to walk over so he could have what he had always meant to have, and then it turned into spending time with them to distract them from Remus's condition. Between that, classes, living together, and the fact that Remus was with them more often than not had led to them slowly inching their way into my heart.
Sirius, always making the three of us laugh with his robust and overdramatic behavior, who could go from laughing giddily to brooding in the span of a heartbeat until one of us pulled him out of it. The boy who had so happily embraced his three roommates as if we were the family he had always wanted and then treated us as such when he found his desire for friendship wasn't spurned.
James had a desire from day one to get a group of lads together and do everything he could to make them family, something I didn't find out until a month ago in April. He was the glue that held everything together in a way I sometimes found myself envying. Having grown up with parents that spoiled him rotten because they didn't think they'd ever be able to have a child but lonely in his big house with just two people who bordered on being elderly. He thrived under the spotlight, soaking up attention and praise like plants do the sun.
They were so different from Remus and I, especially myself, that I honestly didn't know how it worked. Two pureblood children, raised to live comfortably in wealth and status, being best friends to two poor half-blood kids, one of which they would find out to be a werewolf? It baffles me endlessly but every laugh we have shared, plan we formulated for a prank, every detention and moment in general I had spent in their company had led to one realization.
I was compromised. I didn't see pieces on a chessboard anymore, ironic considering Sirius' Christmas gift, but living, breathing people who I had no choice but to save. I wouldn't settle for anything else. I had gotten sucked into this ragtag family, a group of boys just looking for a home away from home. Looking for people to count on, people to share their lives with.
"Hey, Z." Sirius greeted me casually, leaning against one of the bedposts with a deceptively innocent look on his face. James was slightly behind him, looking awkward and a little uncomfortable, but determined.
Basically, they were being ridiculously obvious. It made the expression on my face lighten a little because honestly, what had I been so worried about? They were eleven years old. I could outplay them blindfolded and deaf.
I smiled at them slightly, leaning against the wall a little. "Hey guys."
"Where's Remus?" Sirius asked curiously, looking around the room as if he was just going to pop up from underneath one of the beds.
"Remus is-" I started to say but was cut off before I could finish my sentence.
"In the hospital wing? Again?" Sirius asked incredulously, the disbelief showing on both his and James's faces. Okay, so maybe we had used that one a lot.
"No, actually, he was given permission to travel to our house to see our Mum. She's not feeling well and needed some help while my Dad was out of town." I replied serenely, silently congratulating myself as James and Sirius looked at each other as if to ask 'Well... Now what?'.
"Oh." Sirius said lamely, just letting it hang in the air, turning the silence into an awkward one.
"I hope your Mum's okay." James commented a moment later
"She'll be fine." I replied, tilting my head at them slightly. They both just stood there for a moment before muttering about getting ready for bed and began to go about the room, getting night wear together.
Shaking my head to myself and suppressing a smile, I turned back to the window to watch as the Moon began to peek out from the horizon. I felt an ache deep in my shoulder and I knew it was beginning. I just hoped it wasn't a bad one, that is the last thing Remus needed with those two sniffing around like pirates after buried treasure.
I went to bed, shutting the curtains around it and feigning sleep until I heard the heavy breathing that meant the room's other two occupants had fallen asleep. Quietly, I peeked my head out of the curtains and then carefully stepped out of the four poster bed. I made my way back to the window and leaned carefully against the stone wall, settling myself in for a long night.
"What time is it?" Remus croaked, causing my attention to shift from the high windows showing the blue sky to my pale brother.
"It's Eleven." I said, picking the glass of water up from the bedside table and bringing it up to his chapped lips. His hand wrapped around the glass but I kept my own there as well, making sure it was steady as we tipped it up so Remus could had a drink.
"How bad?" Remus asked, his voice still scratchy but a little more clear now that he had wet his throat. His voice was always rough the day afterwards from screaming.
"On a scale of one to ten? Probably a four." I said musingly, forcing down any emotion I had about the state he was in as I looked him over.
"A four?" Remus asked disbelievingly, looking at me like I was a lunatic.
"A four." I replied, nodding to emphasize my decision.
"I feel like I was run over by the Knight Bus." Remus deadpanned, making my lips twitch but I fought the smile off my face as I gingerly sat at the end of his bed. Remus snorted as I nudged his foot so he would move it, scowling at me without any real heat behind it.
"Oh don't be such a sourwolf." I said lightly, crossing my legs and getting comfortable.
"Sour-?" Remus repeated, looking stupefied and this time I couldn't stop the quiet laughter at his face. Priceless.
"Want me to catch you up on the juicy gossip?" I asked rhetorically, leaning back against the bedframe so that I was facing Remus directly. He looked wary at my tone of voice, obviously sensing I was hiding something or about to tell him something I didn't want to. "Well, Filch's cat died, so he got a new one named Borus, Lucinda Talkalot in Slytherin blew up another cauldron in potions, and I'm pretty sure James and Sirius suspect something."
"What?" Remus yelped, tensing and getting such a fearful expression on his face that it made my chest ache a little. He was terrified. I could tell everything Mum and Dad had ever said about the importance of keeping the secret was going through his head on repeat. "What'd you tell them? Why do you think that?"
"They were acting odd yesterday." I told him, letting out a slightly irritated huff thinking about the half-ass questioning they had done last night. "They wanted to know where you were, again, so I told them you went to visit Mum because Dad was abroad. That you would be back tomorrow."
"What? Why would you tell them that?" Remus practically hissed, glancing around the room with a paranoid look on his face. I rubbed my temples to prepare myself for the headache that I knew was coming.
"Remus. Calm down." I told him, pointing my wand at the curtain and making them shut with magic. I pocketed my wand with a small smile, wondering if I would ever get over how cool being able to do things like that was. "I know for a fact Pomfrey can charm those to stay closed. Besides, they weren't buying the Hospital Excuse anymore."
"Why not?" Remus practically demanded, making me want to roll my eyes but instead I took a breath before opening my mouth.
"Because no one who is lactose intolerant badly enough to be sent to the Hospital Wing ACTUALLY ingests enough lactose once a month. It's weird." I supplied, making him pause to consider my point.
"I guess you're right." Remus admitted grudgingly, mumbling so that I could barely hear him. I could feel the smile on my face growing a little bigger.
"Of course I am." I responded, patting his knee reassuringly. I withdrew my hands quickly as he tried to swot at them, childishly sticking my tongue out at him for the missed attempt before reverting to the rather serious conversation we were having despite our antics. "I mean, you were never going to be able to use that excuse for the next six years as well as this one."
"It wasn't my idea to use that excuse at all, if you remember." Remus replied dryly, staring at me with a face that told me just how much of a pain in the arse he thought I was. "Thanks for that, by the way. It's literally eliminated the possibility of eating half the things laid out during meals."
"Hey, I said I was sorry. I panicked." I replied, holding my hands out in the universal 'don't shoot' gesture.
"You never panic." Remus responded pointedly, eyes narrowed at my sudden interest in the ceiling before green eyes once again met amber.
"Dairy's bad for you anyway." I said dismissively before moving to change the subject. "The Mum excuse wasn't as bad."
"Yeah, I guess you're right." Remus muttered, putting his index and forefinger to the bridge of his nose and making a pained gesture that just screamed inner conflict. "I don't know what to do."
"Well, you pick something and go with it, keep changing things up and hoping they don't connect the dots while I try my best to distract them - which they are getting wary of now, by the way." I said, shooting him an apologetic look as he groaned and threw his head back against the pillow at my last words.
"I hate this."
"You could always tell them the truth?" I suggested, my eyebrows raising when Remus shot up like a bolt of lightning had just struck him.
"Don't joke about that." Remus said with clenched teeth, his face a combination of so many emotions it was making me dizzy just thinking about feeling it all.
"Come on, Remus. When they figure it out," I said, running my hand through my spiky hair in frustration and raising my voice when I saw Remus about to interrupt. "And they WILL figure it out, because they are nosey and clever. We can come up with stories that would make Dumbledore think you weren't going to the Shack but we can't change the date you do it on. They'll make the connection."
"Then I'll be kicked out and you'll leave because you're a loyal idiot." Remus finished bitterly, closing his eyes and making a face that hit me in the gut, even knowing everything worked out still made it suck for my twin to feel so paranoid and terrified of being exposed.
"Maybe." I reasoned, tilting my head a little as I looked at my brother. I had to at least consider the possibility or Remus would just shut me out completely; He was too set in his ways to be convinced otherwise. A byproduct of childhood I had attempted to prevent but there was honestly only so much I could do. "Or they could just take it in stride and help you keep it a secret."
Remus scoffed, not even entertaining the idea for a second which honestly made me a little angry. Didn't he know how much of a wonderfully pure and amazing human being he was? In my eyes, Remus was the epitome of altruism and empathy one of which he was born with and the other learned through suffering. It helped shape him into who he is today, the boy sitting in front of me who is stronger than anyone else I have ever met. Stronger than me by spades. He never gives up, he rarely complains; he accepts the things he cannot change and then does what he can.
"Hey!" I snapped, smacking his knee mildly hard and faltering a little when I saw him wince in pain. I hadn't meant to hurt him, just let him know I was serious, but I pushed on because I knew he would only rebuff me for making a fuss. "None of that werewolves are second-hand citizens shite. They could very well not care. In fact they might appreciate being able to learn a little more about you, y'know?."
"Merlin, for someone so smart you can be so thick sometimes!" Remus all but shouted at me. He was always more prone to losing his temper around the moon, so I just clenched my jaw and waited for him to be finished. "I hate when you try to give me this false hope like everything is going to be okay. We aren't five years old anymore. I turn into a bloody MONSTER every month that WILL KILL people if given the chance. When I'm not thinking of all the ways things could go wrong that led to me escaping the shack and killing someone, or worse, biting them? I'm thinking about how long this dream Dumbledore has conjured is going to last before it all comes tumbling down."
Remus's eyes were wet with tears I knew he wouldn't allow to escape and his voice was thick with the emotion he normally attempted to bottle up. As soon as he said that it would be worse to bite someone and pass along his curse than to kill them I flinched. I knew what he was doing; he was going for the throat, assuming that if he shocked me enough with his version of the truth that I would drop the subject altogether like I normally did. He knows I hate dealing with anything emotional, I'd rather just look up at the sky or ceiling and just pretend everything's okay.
"Remus, there are good people in the world. Y'know that, don't you?" I asked him imploringly, my eyes softening at the expression I saw on his face. It was a mixture of bitter resignation like a dark cloud and unwilling hope shining through because no matter how much he tried, a part of him wanted our friends to accept him, to know all of him and still want to be his friend. That was the part I was trying to reach. "If it was me, I would rather find out from you when I started digging deeper than having to figure out any other way. It will be more controlled, you get to pick the time and place rather than it happening somewhere it shouldn't, y'know?."
"Oh, of course you're talking about it being 'controlled'." Remus said mockingly, a tinge of bitterness I had never heard in his voice present that set me on edge.
"Please, Rem, just step back. Stop looking at it so emotionally, y'know?." I reasoned, reaching out to him with my hand open to place on his arm, clenching it into a fist when he moved his arm out of the way and avoided my eyes. Nothing would have prepared me for what was coming next.
"That's easy for you to say. I'm not even sure you HAVE emotions half the time." Remus practically spat, the venom in his voice something I had never heard from him. It felt like someone swung a bat into my stomach, full force. My chest tightened painfully as I sucked in the next breath sharply and lowered my eyes to the bedsheet. "We all can't just shut off how we feel when it's convenient for us. Don't you get it? It doesn't matter how many ways you try to look at it, because it all boils down to one thing. In the eyes of The Ministry and the world, I am a dark creature. And the thing this? They should be afraid! I'm afraid! I don't have any control, I never have and I never will. This isn't something you can just neatly tuck away, Zephyrus. The world doesn't work like that."
My chest tightened painfully as I sucked in the next breath sharply and lowered my eyes to the bedsheet. If you had asked me yesterday if Remus could have thrown something like that in someone's face, I would say of course he could. But I never thought he could or would do it to me. The next breath I drew was a ragged one and my head was bowed to hide my face.
Breathe in. One. Two. Three. Four. Hold. One. Two. Three. Breathe out. One. Two. Three . Four.
Repeat.
Repeat.
"No M_. There is no crying, you can't do anything when you're crying except sit there and cry." A man said evenly, words spoken forcefully but in the same tone one would order dinner or ask after another person's spouse. Detached. "Come on, M_. Don't give up, use what we've taught you. Push. The stagnant man never accomplished anything he set out to accomplish."
I gasped as I snapped out of the memory, the sound ominous in the strained silence that lay between my brother and I for the first time I could remember. We have had fights, sure, but nothing… nothing like this. What was this sensation in my chest? It felt like I was choking or suffocating except that I could feel my chest moving up and down rhythmically as I breathed in and out.
Breathe in. One. Two. Three. Four. Hold. One. Two. Three. Breathe out. One. Two. Three . Four.
"..'Phy?" I heard Remus ask tentatively, the anger and bitterness gone from his voice as if it was never there to begin with. In place was an unsureness, a hesitancy that always made me feel protective - but this time, he was hesitant about me and that had never happened before. What does one do when confronted when an anomaly? Well, you do what your instincts tell you to do.
I shut down, sealing away any feelings or thoughts about the memory I had just gained from my old life that I never remember having in the first place. Gone was the frustration I had been experiencing moments ago. I put the way what Remus had said made me feel in the back of my mind, in a box, buried beneath a hundred just like it where it could collect dust in good company.
This is who I was, I was better than this - I don't know what exactly I remember but I remember being told emotions are a collar attached to a chain that anchors us to our humanity. An important part of sentient life but most people were slaves to their emotions. The smart man, the clever man, he can slip in and out of his collar as he pleases.
Without the haze of emotion clouding my brain, I felt myself gain control again. My breath came in more evenly, my thoughts more clearly and it made me realize something. What was I doing right now? I was wasting time on an argument that was irrelevant. It doesn't matter what happens or how they find out, the reaction will almost certainly be the same.
As far as worrying for Remus, I know he would be fine without me, at least for now. He grew up to be a man once when he didn't know me. I was too concerned with feelings to do what I should have been doing all along and approaching this clinically; Remus was right. Not everyone could shut away emotions like I could, so why should I contribute to the already reeling amount of emotion in the air? It wasn't logical, it didn't make any practical sense.
There were things I should be learning, assets to be cultivated. I didn't have time to trade sharp words words with an eleven year old. There was too much to be done, not enough time. Never enough time.
The Locket. The Diary. The Cup. The Diadem. The Ring. Maybe the Snake.
Focus. Logic first. Approach it clinically. Compassion is okay but not always appropriate. Make a list of pro's and con's if applicable. Then set goals but stay quiet about them. Smash the shit out of the goals and then clap for your damn self. Repeat.
"I am fine." I said, my voice taking on an apathetic quality that matched the way I currently was. It felt good regaining my composure, I felt more sure of myself than I had in awhile. I stood up abruptly, looking at Remus as he adjusted his gaze to look at my face; more specifically, my eyes.
"Phy?" Remus asked again, the hesitancy in his voice making me want to roll my eyes. To be hesitant was to be in the way. What use was hesitation? No, it was far better to be concise and decisive. Confident. I remember it's what made him tell me I was a good man in a storm. I was in perfect control of myself.
"Yes, Remus?" I asked, my voice lacking it's usual warmth when I spoke his name. Honestly I just wanted to get to the library to see if I could find anything about illusion magic or magic that could ensnare the mind. It would be best to have a defense against whatever apparitions came from the Horcruxes to attempt to dissuade me from destroying them.
"What's going on?" Remus asked, his voice sounding smaller than it normally does, which made something in my chest squirm for a fraction of a second before it was methodically cut out and tossed away. No use for it, after all.
"I need to study, I have just realized." I replied, nodding my head fractionally towards him as I started to leave.
"Wait, 'Phy, don't leave." Remus said, something I vaguely recognized as fear in his voice?
I turned around, my eyes scanning the room and looking for anything that was out of the ordinary. What was there to be afraid of? The beds were all evenly spread out along the room, crisp white sheets perfectly pressed and waiting for the next person to cradle. All of the curtains were pulled back, revealing that there was no one else in the room. The walls were bare, the floors as well. Everything seemed safe.
"There is no reason to be afraid." I told Remus, confident in my ability to evaluate the room. He would be fine. Besides, he had done fine before I was involved, we were just going to do better this time.
"I'm afraid of you right now." Remus said, looking at me with something in his eyes that I didn't quite understand. What did he mean? He obviously does not have anything to fear from me. Prior experience should assure him of that if nothing else. "What you are doing right now, it's scaring me and I want you to stop. I didn't mean it. We can talk about it if you want."
My eyes searched the amber ones in front of me, the unrecognizable emotion causing a hint of irritation inside me as the name of the emotion eluded me. That was cut away as well. The name isn't important anyway. I needed to get to work.
"There is nothing to be afraid of." I told him again, watching his face twist into … concern. That was it, Remus was concerned. I drew the pine wand from my pocket and flicked it towards the curtains surrounding his bed, realizing he would be concerned about the secret and he was unable to get out of bed just yet. It made sense.
I stepped out of the Hospital Wing with precise movements, thinking for only a moment to determine the best route that would lead me towards the library. I had research to do, there was not enough time. Never enough time.
The Locket. The Diary. The Cup. The Diadem. The Ring. Maybe the Snake.
The Cave. Currently most likely in possession of Lucius Malfoy or Tom Riddle; More information needed. Lestrange vault in future, current location unknown. Room of Requirements. Gaunt House. Unable to determine validity of horcrux circus, time of creation unknown, more information needed.
The Locket. The Diary. The Cup. The Diadem. The Ring. Maybe the Snake.
Not enough time. Never enough time.
I studied for hours, I vaguely realize as I am kicked out of my little corner of the library when it was almost curfew. This left me enough time to make it to the dorm, change, sleep, and then I can eat in order to optimize my abilities. The Library opens at around the same time as breakfast, I can eat on the way from the Great Hall to The Library and if I'm not done by arrival time, I'll throw the rest of the food away.
The common room was a buzz of voices, chatter about unimportant nonsense, and so I walked through it without sparing a glance at any of the people milling about. A brief feeling of disgust for the wandering, unfocused, and undisciplined people whom I shared space with welled up inside me briefly before I cut it out, judging it a useless feeling with no positive reasoning for its existence or ways of aiding me in a goal, just as a thought same across my head, seemingly at random.
"Promise me you'll never forget, Zephyrus... Everything isn't black and white… You can't know someone until you have walked a mile in their shoes…"
My head felt strangely light and I felt unsteady on my feet for some reason. That was… mother. Mum. Diagon Alley. The Lesson. Quills and Parchment. My feet were on autopilot as they took me up the stone steps to the door of my dormitory, behind which I could hear movement, indicating at least one other occupant would be present. What purpose would walking while wearing another person's shoe to walk in possibly serve? It seemed an irrational not worth exploring.
"Never forget…"
I pressed a hand to my forehead, feeling a twinge of pain, but ignoring it once the sharp jolt turned into a steady, dull throb. Easily disregarded. My hand reached out and grabbed the handle to open the door, stepping into a silent room that had previously had a minor level of noise, curious as to the abrupt halt.
Three boys were eyeing me. Sirius, James, Remus. My brain recognized as I landed on each of them. I smiled mechanically, not noticing or caring when Sirius's face got a perplexed look on his face as we locked gazes. Eye contact was polite for brief stints of time in modern society. I moved my eyes after a moment, going through the same process with James who looked just as utterly confused as Sirius. When my eyes turned to look at Remus, I was met with the back of his head. I frowned. Why did things seem… what was that word people used so often… awkward right now? Casting a only minorly curious look around the room, I mentally shrugged it off and got ready for bed. After my teeth were brushed, clothes changed, and everything ready for tomorrow, I was climbing into my bed when I felt a warm hand touch my shoulder.
I turned around and green met amber for the first time since I had walked into the room. I looked at Remus as he looked at me with a penetrating stare, seeming to be searching for something. I was not sure what he was looking for but I know that often times what society deems impolite behavior is considered acceptable with members of one's family. Concessions must be made even though I was now three minutes off schedule. If there was one thing that I know beyond a shadow of a doubt as fact, it's that family is important.
Remus looked disappointed as he turned away and I felt a hollow ache in the center of my chest, a few paces above my belly button, and as I instinctively went to cut whatever the feeling was away, not caring enough to identify it, my hand was moving forward to touch Remus' shoulder. He turned, surprised, and with wide eyes stared as my own eyes widened when the ache felt even more dominating than it had a moment ago. What was going on? Why couldn't I cut it away? What purpose did it serve?
"Goodnight, Remus." I said, my tone of voice changing on the name, although I was unsure what it was meant to convey. Emotions were such wearisome, impractical things. Whatever it was made Remus' face a little less tense and he smiled at me, concern and… something else in his eyes, that made me feel.. Warm?
I turned away and fell into bed, refusing to think about it because I was six minutes behind schedule and there wasn't enough time. There was never enough time.
The Locket. The Diary. The Cup. The Diadem. The Ring. Maybe the Snake.
A/N: Hey everyone! So this chapter was an interesting one, no? It will be explained a little better but until then I hope you enjoy the anticipation. Something new I wanted to try is having a playlist for parts in the song? I'm not sure if I will keep it up or do it for every chapter but this one at least.
Song - Artist - Scene
Fog - Mason Proper - Remus and Z talking in the hospital wing.
Irrelevant - Lauren Aquilina - Z starts to shut down emotionally after memory.
Sedated - Hozier - Z being apathetic
So, Regulus is in the lead currently, I'll update the actual numbers next chapter. For now, I am tired and am going to bed. I hope you all enjoy this chapter and let me know what you think. The more reviews, the faster the chapter is usually how it ends up.
~Rache
