Kyra
Kyra sat on the edge of her bed, staring at her Blackberry. She woke up to two text messages that morning. The first from Tara, reminding her that they were scheduled to go check out Opie and Lyla's new house at eleven. The second was from Juice. A simple "Can we talk?"
She didn't know how to answer either message. With everything that had happened, she wasn't sure she was up for wedding planning with SAMCRO women, especially since she wasn't sure how much longer she'd be one of them. She'd be forced to put on a cool face, at least for the day, and she wasn't sure she was capable of that at the moment. Seeing Juice's name pop up in her Blackberry that morning pushed a button, and suddenly, she felt the void created by his absence. She'd rolled over, and buried her face in one of the pillows on his side of the bed, and laid there for twenty minutes. God, she missed him. She'd spent the last four days pushing that thought away with her anger over his betrayal, but the mere sight of his name reminded her why she was so angry: she loved him.
Can we talk? Kyra repeated the words again and again in her mind, hoping she'd find a clue about his intentions. He hadn't said a word to her in four days, nor had he prefaced his request with an apology. He still owed her that much, whether she missed him or not. She looked up at the clock next to the bed, realized she'd spent an hour staring off into space, and sighed. She'd asked Elliot for the day off last week to help Lyla with wedding stuff. Even if the idea alone exhausted her, it'd be better than sitting around her apartment driving herself insane over a text message. She text Tara, letting her know that she'd be ready by 10:30, and pushed herself off of the bed.
"You okay?" were the first words out of Tara's mouth when Kyra got in the Cutlass.
"I'm good," she replied, pulling down the passenger visor to check her face in the mirror. "Why? Do I look like something's wrong?"
"Well, you look a little out of it," Tara answered.
Kyra shook her head. "Oh. Just work stuff. Plus I'm still studying for my CPA, so I'm a little stressed. What's up with you, Superwoman?"
"You know, baby on my hip, toddler at the ankle, scalpel in one hand, and Jax in the other," Tara said with a smile, "the usual."
Kyra felt the corners of her mouth almost turn up. It was the first hint of a smile she'd shown in days. "Now why are checking out this house again?"
"Well, Lyla's been on Ope about getting a new house. He finally agreed, but told her she couldn't have the house and the beach wedding. So, they're doing the wedding at the house before they move their stuff in."
"Can't say I blame her for not wanting to live in Donna's house anymore."
Tara nodded. "Right. Plus I think it's kinda sweet; them starting their life together in the new house."
And here I talked shit about how they got together, Kyra thought as she stared out of the window. At least their shit's working right now. "Yeah. Sweet."
Ten minutes later, the ladies pulled up to a sage and white bungalow near the Charming and Lodi border. Both Lyla's Prius and Gemma's Caddy were parked across the street. Kyra was impressed. The only decent real estate she'd seen in Charming was the new developments the Mayor brought to the town. She didn't know that attractive, semi-modern houses existed within its borders. I'd probably buy a house in this area, she thought as she got out of the car. "Pretty nice," she said with an appreciative nod.
"Isn't it?" Tara replied. "Jax and I are looking to move within the next year. Probably should look out here."
"Yeah, I was just thinking the same thing."
Tara raised a hopeful brow. "You and Juice thinking about buying a house?"
Why did she have to say his name? Kyra's thoughts immediately went to the still unanswered text message in her phone. "No time soon," she answered. It wasn't a lie. She wasn't thinking about doing anything with Juice any time soon, least of all purchase a house. "Once I become an accountant, I plan to buy though."
After they rang the doorbell, a smiling Lyla greeted them on the other side of the door. Her long blond hair flowed in its usual soft wave. Her face, which was normally pleasant yet somber, glowed with the giddy anticipation of a bride-to-be whose fiancé had just bought her an adorable little house. "Welcome!" she chirped.
"Oh wow," Tara returned her smile. "Someone's excited."
Lyla's ringed left hand went to her cheek. "Am I that obvious?"
Kyra nodded. "Yeah. Just a little."
"Well come in. Let me give you all a quick tour, and then we can sit down and go over the details."
The four women did a quick lap around the house. It was nothing fancy; a two story with three bedrooms, just enough room for Lyla, Opie, and their kids. Lyla was clearly more enthusiastic about what the house symbolized: a fresh start with some domestic normality. It all just seemed so easy for her: falling into Opie's world and letting him take care of her this way. She knew that Lyla tended bar a few nights a week in Lodi since she quit porn, and was taking some online classes in screenwriting so she could go back into the business as a producer, which meant that Opie was bankrolling the majority of their life for the time being. Kyra couldn't imagine the two of them arguing over money and who paid what like she and Juice. She wondered how often Lyla just smiled and went along with whatever Opie said and what she thought about the money that had paid for this house. But then again, Lyla had spent years sucking dick onscreen for cash. Guess she can't really afford to nitpick over shit like that, Kyra thought.
Lyla decided with the change of venue that they wouldn't do a rehearsal dinner. Instead, there'd be a small dinner at the house immediately following the ceremony and then everyone would go back to the clubhouse for the real reception, which from what Kyra picked up, would be a typically loud and insane SAMCRO bash. She'd always thought that loud music and strippers were synonymous with the night before the wedding, and not the actual wedding day festivities, but she'd learned in the last few months that the club had its own way of doing things. A wedding reception with bikers, porn stars, and booze sounded like more fun for the guys than the actual bride and groom, but Lyla seemed okay with it and Gemma charged along with her planning like the concept was totally normal. She gave Kyra a fairly easy job: organizing the post-wedding dinner and Kyra was happy for the responsibility. It was another welcome distraction from her thoughts of Juice.
They were finished for the day and filed out of the house toward their respective cars when Gemma tapped Kyra on the shoulder. "Why don't you let me give you a lift, sweetheart?"
Sweetheart? Oh shit. This can't be good. "I'm fine riding back with Tara," Kyra replied.
"We need to have a little chat."
She knows. Kyra checked her panic before she spoke. "About?" she asked with a raised brow.
Gemma opened the passenger door to her Cadillac. "Girl talk. Get in." she commanded.
Kyra looked over at Tara whose brows were knitted with worry. Just great. Not only was Gemma about to get in her business, but she was also making it obvious that something was wrong. Kyra gave Tara a shrug as if to say "I don't know what this is about either."
"I'll give you a call later," Tara said as she opened the door to the Cutlass.
Kyra nodded and got in the car, bracing herself for what she knew would be an uncomfortable ride. She hated dealing with Gemma when she wasn't completely herself. She always needed every ounce of strength and restraint she could muster when the woman went into interrogation mode.
Gemma settled into the driver's seat, quickly chucking her purse in the backseat and lighting a cigarette. Kyra, in search of a distraction from the awkward silence, pulled out her Blackberry to check her work emails. No way would she initiate this conversation.
"So you and Juice," Gemma said after she started the car. "What's going on there?"
"You tell me, Queen Mother Gemma," Kyra snapped.
Gemma glared at her over the rims of her sunglasses. "Watch it."
Kyra sighed. She didn't have it in her to match wits with Gemma today. The conversation would just have to go wherever it went. "Look, obviously you want to talk to me because you already have an idea, so the coy approach is a little pointless."
Gemma nodded. "Fair enough—"
"Though I kinda thought," Kyra interrupted, "that you'd stay out of my business as long as I didn't interfere with the club?"
"Well, when you let your business leak out of your house and into the clubhouse, it becomes my business."
Kyra sighed. I swear these muthafuckas change these "rules" as they go. "Fine. So what do you want to know?"
"It's not about what I want to know, sweetheart. It's about what you need to know. So he lied to you, huh?"
Damn. What exactly had Juice told her? "Yup."
"As much as I hate to admit it, I get it," Gemma said with a sigh. "If you can't trust your man, it doesn't work."
Kyra kept her eyes on the road ahead. "Nope. Sure doesn't."
"Look, you can sit over there and pout and play poor woman scorned if you want, but you and I both know you don't want this thing with you and him to be over."
"Gemma, you don't know what I want-"
"Oh, give me a fuckin' break, Kyra. Juice may be a goddamned idiot, but manipulative? He's not. Whatever he lied about, I'm sure it wasn't with the intent to hurt or betray you. He screwed up. That's what they do. You punish him, get over it, and move on."
"Just like that, huh?" Kyra snapped her fingers. "I just take him back and act like this shit never happened?"
"You know what? I don't really give a shit what you do," Gemma replied. "But you need to figure it out sooner than later. You don't want him distracted with home shit while he's out there. You'll get him killed. Take him back or cut him loose, but whatever you do, do it quickly, so can all move on."
Kyra hadn't thought of how what went on between she and Juice could affect him in his day to day life. He was a guy. They compartmentalized all the time. Were their problems really nagging at him to the point where he'd be distracted in his club business? It wasn't like he worked a regular job though, where a mistake meant a reprimand. Mistakes in Juice's line of work could get him killed. She'd already been through the hell of seeing him shot. She didn't think she could handle much worse than that.
They pulled up to Kyra's apartment complex and Gemma killed the engine. "I've been in this world for a long time and seen a lot of men wear that cut, but not too many like your guy. With a lot of these guys, you have to really dig to find the goodness, but Juice? Despite all the crazy shit he's seen, he somehow manages to wear his goodness on his sleeve. Big heart. Loyal. The kinda guy who will lay down his life in a heartbeat for the people he loves. Keep that in mind while you're thinking this through. Though I gotta tell ya, Kyra. If you're really ready to call it quits over one spat, maybe you don't understand that kind of loyalty."
Gemma's words wrapped themselves around Kyra's mind and didn't release their grip for the remainder of the day. She laid on the couch in her apartment, in silence, for hours, tangling and untangling her thoughts. She hated that Gemma was so right. What she'd grown to love about Juice was how easily he toed the line between doting boyfriend and fierce protector. It scared her, because she used to hear the mumblings of a brainwashed MC woman whenever Gemma spoke, but these days, the matriarch made more sense to her.
"If you're really ready to call it quits over one spat, maybe you don't understand that kind of loyalty." Had that been another one of Gemma's mind games or was there some truth there? She'd never been in deep enough with anyone to understand the concept of "stand by your man." She was used to standing on her own, while the men in her life occupied temporary space. Was she really overreacting to Juice's mistake? Kyra needed perspective. Tara? No. Tara had been an old lady long enough to have bought into some of the MC logic, too. What she needed was an understanding outsider. She needed Neeta.
"Praise the Lord, this is Neeta," her aunt answered her phone with her usual greeting.
Kyra smiled. She always got a warm, familiar feeling when she heard Neeta's voice. "Hey, auntie, it's me. You busy?"
"I just put the boys down for their naps so I have time to talk. Somethin' wrong?"
"I umm…" she stammered. "I needed someone to talk to…"
"Do you need me to come over there Kyra, cuz I can—"
"No, no Neeta," Kyra said. "It's not that bad. Me and Juice had a bad fight a couple days ago and I put him out. And I'm just so confused about what to do now."
"Ahhh. I see," Neeta replied. "Well, tell me what happened."
Incapable of her usual reserve and need-to-know approach to storytelling, Kyra ran down the entire ordeal: the money problems, Juice's snooping into her bank accounts, his lies. Neeta listened quietly. It was her way to hear the whole story before interjecting with a thought or opinion.
"And it's not that I think he doesn't love me, Neeta because I know he does," Kyra said as she finished up. "I just…I don't know if I can get over the fact that he betrayed me."
"Well baby, I can't tell you what to do, but I can tell you what I think. For starters, before you start worrying about whether or not you want him back, you need to forgive that man."
Neeta too? Why was everyone acting like what Juice had done was no big deal? "Even though he lied to me for no good reason?"
"Did you let him give you a reason before you kicked him out?" Neeta asked.
Kyra sighed. "No."
"Alright then. So you don't know if it was good or not. But good or bad, you still need to forgive him. You know why? Because God forgave you for your betrayal."
Ugh. I should've known she'd find a way to pull Jesus into the conversation. "What betrayal? I've never betrayed anyone."
"Oh, so you takin' up with that married man when your mother got sick wasn't a betrayal?"
Rico? What the hell did that have to do with anything? And then it hit her. Karma. She'd known for years that she had it coming; that at some point, she would pay for being the other woman. She just always assumed it would come in the form of Juice cheating on her, but apparently, karma wasn't as literal in its execution as she thought it would be.
Neeta continued. "I'm not saying you deserve this, baby. Nobody deserves to be hurt. What I'm saying is that maybe you should be a little more understanding. Juice made a mistake just like you made a mistake four years ago. God saw fit to forgive you, and continue to bless you with a good life. I just think that you should do the same. If not for Juice, then for you; lift that burden from your heart."
"I never would've thought of it that way. Thanks Neeta."
"And another thing…" Neeta started, "if you do take him back, you gotta learn how to let that man love you, Kyra."
"What? You mean let him take care of me?" Kyra replied. "But you and Ma always said…"
"Look, I know what me and Rhonda told you. And at the time, we were right. You were a little girl with a lot of potential and we wanted to make sure you knew how to take care of yourself, and you know how to do that, right?"
"Yeah."
"So what do you think is gonna happen? If you let him help you out, you're gonna suddenly forget how to hold your own? Do you know how many lazy negroes back in Oakland would just love to live off a pretty girl with a lot of money, rent-free? Here, you gotta hard workin' man tryin' to contribute to your house and you think that's a bad thing? Now I'm not tellin' you to take any sum of money that will make you feel uncomfortable, but you've gotta let the man pull his own weight baby. Letting Juice feel like a man sometimes doesn't make you less of a woman. Just means you love him."
Kyra was silent. Neeta said a mouthful and she needed a second to take it all in. Though Neeta's advice was pretty much the same as Gemma's, she respected Neeta's analysis more. Her words weren't about the club or a sense of duty, but about real world concepts like understanding and forgiveness; things that she could apply without feeling like some MC Stepford Wife. "Thanks so much Neeta."
"Did I help?"
"Yeah, Auntie," Kyra said with a smile. "More than you'll ever know."
"Good. I just want you to be happy, baby. Whatever you decide, just be happy."
Kyra nodded. "I will. I'll let you enjoy your quiet time until Abel and Tommy wake up."
"Alright sweetie," Neeta replied. "Love you."
"Love you too." Kyra pressed the end button on her Blackberry and continued to stare at it in her hand. She still didn't know what she wanted to do, but she could at least hear what Juice had to say. She opened her inbox and looked at his text message again: Can we talk?
With a sigh, she typed "Sure. I'll stop by TM tomorrow after work," and pressed send.
