AN: So this chapter is much delayed. I'm very sorry about how long it's taken for me to finally type up this chapter. It may have been sooner if my laptop didn't give up but I've also had a terrible writer's block. Now I'm back, well for this chapter anyway but next month I will be back for good. I hope you guys like this chapter! Thank you all for being so supportive!
Callie dropped Arizona off at therapy that day. She wanted Callie to go in with her but another part of her didn't. She needed to be able to do this part alone, she had to be able to do something alone. She wasn't sure if she was ready to handle this but she would try.
She walked into the office and knocked on the door, "Dr. Robbins, come in." She gave Dr. Mills a soft smile as she motioned for her to sit down. It was strange being called 'Dr. Robbins' considering she hadn't been called that since before she had left to Africa. She took in a deep breath to prepare herself for the questions she knew would probably come out of the therapist's mouth.
The first question that came out of the woman's mouth was very routine. "How are you doing today?" Arizona expected that to be one of the obvious questions that she would be asked. She was glad that she was at least starting off light. She wasn't asking the hard questions but Arizona wasn't sure if she was asking that on a professional or personal level.
"I'm doing okay." She answered honestly, she wasn't doing terrible but she could be so much better. The therapist nodded her head.
"Do you want to start from the beginning, of what happened?" Dr. Mills had asked her. Arizona hesitated before answering the question, she didn't want to talk about any of what had happened but she knew that it would have to be talked about sooner or later or she would never overcome this. She had to get better and try to be the person she was before she left.
She described in a vivid way what had happened before Callie had come to her rescue. She also explained to her that she had broken up with Callie prior to the incident. The therapist seemed to be in shock but she continued to take notes of what had happened, keeping her personal opinions to herself and remaining professional.
"When Callie came why did it terrify you more than when you were alone with him?" Dr. Mills pressed and leaned forward, noticing the tears that were falling from Arizona's eyes at the question.
"Because when she did come, I also put her life in danger. She could have died." She stated simply but continued, "I was the one that left her, and she shouldn't have had to come after me to save me. It was my mistake, not hers. If she would have died or if she was seriously hurt I would never have been able to forgive myself. It would have been all my fault."
She let the tears fall down her cheeks freely. Arizona normally put on a strong front, but ever since they had been back she stopped caring about letting people see that she was weak. She was in a fragile state and she felt weak. She wiped her tears away with the tissues that sat next to her on the table as she awaited the next question.
"When he made you and your girlfriend perform in front of him, how did that make you feel?" The woman asked her the question gently, trying to keep her as calm as she could but it barely worked. When Arizona was forced to think back to the memory, she let soft sobs take over her body until she could control them.
She tried to compose herself so she could at least answer that question. Every memory seemed to be so painful when Arizona was forced to think back to them. Ever since she had been back, she had been trying to avoid the memories at all costs, distracting herself with house work and reading. Confronting it was the last thing that Arizona wanted to do.
"Degraded, like I wasn't a person. Like I was some circus animal performing for him." She sighed and shook her head. "But I was also glad about it in a way." She paused before she continued to explain. "He gave me a choice to either let her do it or him. I trusted her, she would never hurt me. She did everything she could to make it feel like we weren't there, like we were at home."
Dr. Mills took down more notes before looking back to Arizona and asking, "What reminded you that you weren't at home or safe?" She looked at her with sympathy.
Arizona rolled her eyes when she saw the look the woman was giving her. The last thing she needed was pity from a therapist. She had been through a lot, she felt weak enough but she didn't need everyone to look at her like she was weak as well.
She sighed before she finally answered the question, "The sounds of him moaning to watching us." She bit her lip. "Him holding a gun towards Callie if we stopped." She let more tears fall down her cheek, she looked up to the ceiling as if it had all the answers. "The way Calliope looked so unsure of what to do. She always had a plan but that day I could see it in her eyes that she didn't know what she was doing. I didn't think we would get out of there." She admitted.
The rest of the session consisted of Arizona digging through her memories of the days she was in Africa and her breakdowns along with it. It was painful but she knew that it had to be helping somehow to talk about it. She didn't like how it felt now because all she felt when she thought back to those days was pain and misery and fear. Fear was the one thing that Arizona had never felt before, but when he almost killed Callie it scared her. The fear of losing Callie for good was the one thing that scared her.
The last question that therapist decided to ask was, "Do you regret going to Africa?" The question should have been answered immediately but there was a long pause before Dr. Mills heard Arizona's answer.
"I regret leaving Callie more than anything. The reason I left to go there I don't regret going. All I wanted to do was help sick children in Africa and my mission wasn't even accomplished, they sent someone else to do it for me." She shrugged and looked at the therapist, "If I could have saw this all coming, and I had to do it again I would say no. I regret going." She nodded her head and looked down. "But I don't regret trying to help save a child in Africa's life."
She watched the older woman in front of her write down some notes and then sighed as she looked at the clock and saw that Callie would be there any minute to pick her up. She needed her after the stressful day she had. Just talking about everything made it seem like it was happening all over again. That was one feeling she didn't want to feel ever again. There was no word that could sum up all the devastation and loss of herself that she had felt in Africa. No word to describe the pain and fear of someone trying to control her life.
Feeling out of control was not something Arizona was used to. She was used to being able to keep her emotions in check but now it didn't seem to be possible. She couldn't hold any tears back. What Samuel had stolen from her wasn't her state of mind, he stole her sense of control.
The woman cleared her throat, breaking Arizona out of her thoughts, "Arizona are you listening?" She turned to her and nodded her head, mumbling a 'sorry.' She continued when she saw that Arizona was giving her the attention she requested. "I think that it would be best if you invited Callie to the next session."
"I'll think about it. Thank you." She said before leaving the office and meeting Callie outside the door. She felt a little better and thought about inviting Callie to the next session. She decided that it might be helpful if she has a support system the next time she needs one.
"How was it?" Callie asked her, gently grabbing her hand leading her to the car. She watched Arizona's facial expression and knew by her face that she wasn't thrilled about the experience.
"It could have been worse." She shrugged and looked at Callie, before speaking. "My therapist recommends that you should come to the next session will you?" She asked somewhat hopefully.
"Absolutely, just let me know when it is and I'll be there." Callie responded with a smile and squeezed her hand. "You know if you need to talk about anything, I'm here for you too." She swallowed the lump in the back of her throat. "I was there too, so I can understand what you're going through in a way Arizona." She looked down before she opened the door for Arizona.
Arizona didn't get in the car, instead she turned to Callie and wrapped her arms around her neck, "I'm sorry. I've been selfish. You've had it just as hard but I've only asked you once or twice if you wanted to talk about it or if you were fine. I'm sorry." She pulled her into a tight hug. "We can talk about it all when we get home."
Callie nodded her head and smiled, "Thank you. It's okay. We have a lot of time to talk about everything." Arizona got in the car and Callie shut the door before she got in on her side. They buckled home and went back home, where they could both talk about everything. It was a start to getting back to where they were before everything had happened.
