Lyrics to I Don't Feel Like Dancin' by Scissor Sisters (2006)

Lemy woke Sunday morning in-between two girls: Gwen to his right and Lizy on his left, the latter snuggled close and hugging his arm like a favorite teddy bear and the former with her head and hand resting on his chest. At first he was confused - why can't I move my arm, bro? - then when his eyes fell on his little sister's face, it all came back to him, and he smiled to himself. Last night, he took her virginity and she took his heart. Metaphorically speaking - he didn't know if he was in love with her or not, but watching her sleep, he felt the same stirring in his chest that he felt for Gwen and Loan, so he probably was.

Nice, huh? Lem, what's all that shit you were talking about not wanting to do it?

*Hangs head* I know, man, I know.

Lying there in the warm glow of the morning sun, he thought long and hard about his feelings for each of them. Gwen and Loan were both vulnerable and wounded, like baby birds with broken wings...both in need of love and care. Lizy was...she was different but similar; she wasn't hurt, but she was young and naive, and needed someone to protect her.

I guess I like damaged goods.

What the fuck kind of fetish is that?

He didn't know, but he had some theories. One, he was fundamentally broken and couldn't fix himself, so he tried to fix others. Two, he was a fucking predator who went for the weak ones because they were easy targets. Three, misery loves company, brah. Four...well, he hadn't gotten that far yet. He strongly suspected that it was number one: He had deep-seeded issues and realized it on a subconscious level, so he was attracted to girls who were like him and sought to make them better in lieu of making himself better.

Or maybe it was just a hobby. Who knows?

He did know this: For all intents and purposes, he was in love with three girls, and that worried him because he never planned on loving anyone but Gwen. How would she react when he told her? She actively wanted him to fall in love with Lizy - right? - but she probably didn't think he actually would...hell, he didn't think he would, either. As for Loan, well...the deal didn't cover that. When Gwen first gave him permission to sleep with his aunts and sisters, she meant fucking sleep with them not catch feelings.

This was her fault, really. He would have been happy being with just her, but noooo, she liked to watch and participate, she wanted him to do it.

Sigh.

No, he didn't really think it was her fault, but still, man, he was in a bind. He glanced at Lizy and thought of Loan. He was certain now that he could do it - he could love a dozen girls - but would Gwen be okay with it? If she was, great, but if she wasn't, well...what the fuck was he going to do? Dump them? Dump her? Nah, man, he couldn't do that...especially to Gwen, she was...I'm trying to think of an analogy here...the foundation, you know? When he imagined not having her, it didn't matter if he had all of his aunts and sisters, he saw himself fucking collapsing. Gotta have the base, and Gwen was that base. His OTP 3

He'd have to talk to her...which made two important conversations he needed to have today. Easy like Sunday morning my ass.

Wait, wait...actually, he needed to have three conversations, because he hadn't even verbalized his feelings to Loan. Hell, he didn't even know what his feelings were.

He thought back to the love they made, to gazing into her eyes and holding her as their bodies moved in time, as their hearts pounded the same unsteady beat. It was beautiful, almost like a religious experience...but what if he was reading too much into it? What if...what if he was mistaken? You can have good, intimate sex and still not be in love with someone, right?

I mean...I love her, I know that, but am I actually in love with her? I think because, like I said, I get that same fluttery/stirring thing I get with Gwen (and now Lizy, I guess), but that's the emotional equivalent of an erection, and we all know you can get hard off a girl you don't love. When I think of my future, I see Gwen - I see us being together and having kids and doing the whole man and wife thing - but I don't see Loan, and right now, I don't see Lizy either.

That has to mean I'm not in love with them.

But maybe I'm in love with them in a different way.

I don't fucking know, man. This whole setup is mad confusing. Suffice it to say, I gotta talk to her. I also have to talk to Dad and to Gwen. I also -

"Good morning."

He looked down: Gwen stared up at him with dark eyes and a sly, sleepy smile. She kissed his chest and rubbed her hand in a circle over his stomach. He smiled back and stroked her hair. "Good morning," he said.

"You look like you have a lot on your mind," she said.

Lemy opened his mouth to lie, but stopped himself. He loved this girl, she deserved the truth. "I do."

Her hand faltered mid-rub and her eyes darted away as if anticipation of seeing something she didn't want to. "What?" she asked, her voice an apprehensive whisper. Lemy ran his fingers comfortingly through her hair and brushed his thumb across her eyebrow.

"I think I might be in love with Lizy," he said at length, the words coming hard and ponderous.

"Oh," Gwen said, an edge of relief in her voice, "well. I kind of -"

"And Loan."

Gwen made no outward sign that his words affected her, but the sudden tension in the room told him that they had. "I don't really know," he hastened to add, "but I...I'm kind of…"

He stopped when she looked up at him: Her expression was grave, and her eyes were gloomy.

"I don't care," she said, "just...don't stop loving me."

Lemy blinked. "I-I would never…"

Locking her gaze with his, she scooted up and cupped his cheek in her hand: Her stare was intense, unwavering. Her face hovered mere inches from his, her bow pinched in something like sadness. "I know I'm pathetic but please don't stop." Sudden tears spilled down her cheeks and her lips started to quiver. "Please don't throw me away."

How many words does it take to rip a man's heart from his chest?

Five.

Only five.

He took her face in his hands, tears in his own eyes now. "Gwen, I-I will never stop loving you," he vowed. She flicked her eyes away, and he turned her head so that he could see them. "I love you," he said, "and I swear to God that will never change. No matter what."

"That's easy to say now," she said sullenly.

"Yeah, it is, because I mean it," he replied. "You mean everything to me. If I lost you, my world would fall apart."

She sighed. "I worry sometimes," she said, "that you'll stop. Everyone else is so much better than me and…."

"They're not you," Lemy said earnestly, "and it doesn't matter if I have all of them if I don't have you, Gwen."

She looked into his eyes, and for a moment they gazed at each other, then Lemy wrapped his arms around her and pulled her close. She stiffened at first, then relaxed and allowed him to press the side of her head to his chest. For a while he caressed her cheek and fought back his tears. She asked him not to throw her away.

Like she was garbage.

Hot rage filled his chest and if Gwen wasn't clinging to him right now, needing him, he'd go to her house and punch that asshole mother of hers in the face; it was her fault Gwen thought she was trash. Drunk fucking skank ass bitch. She beat Gwen down so fucking bad that she honestly thought she was worthless. You know what? Fuck that.

"I love you," he said. "I know you...you can't really trust me but...I do."

"Lemy, I do -"

"No you don't," Lemy said firmly. "But I don't blame you. I mean...look at your mom, and how she did you. If you can't trust your own mother, who can you trust?"

To be fair, he hadn't given her much of a reason to trust him. Knowing her...yeah, she felt like she had to share him with everyone, like...like maybe if she didn't, he'd ditch her because she wasn't good enough.

Well, you know what? She was.

"I'm done," he said, and glanced at Lizy; her eyes were still closed and her breathing was steady, rhythmic. "I'm not doing them anymore."

Gwen looked up at him, her brow furrowing.

"I love you and I want you," he said around a lump of emotion, "and I...I'm done with other girls."

"Lemy…"

"I mean it," he said firmly, "no more. No more Leia, no more Lola, no more anyone."

For a moment Gwen didn't speak. "If you love Lizy and Loan…"

"I'll worry about that," he said. How he'd 'worry' about it, he didn't know, but right now that didn't matter. The girl he loved was hurting and thought he was going to kick her aside - and she was right to think that way, because no matter how much a douche in a headband says he loves you, if he doesn't give you his whole heart...if he gives pieces of it to other girls...why the fuck would you believe him?

"I don't care if you love them too," Gwen said, "I just want you to love me…"

"I do," Lemy said, "and I'm gonna show you that by loving you." He looked at Lizy again. She was still asleep. What was he going to say to her? What was he going to do?

Gwen sighed and met his gaze; her eyes were tempest-tossed and conflicted. He saw hope, pain, fear, and other things. She opened her mouth to speak, but he cut her off. "I'm not doing it anymore. I'm not."

"Lemy.."

"No."

An image of Loan, smiling and glowing in the afternoon sun, flashed through his mind, and the memory of last night with Lizy followed close; he felt a sharp twinge of loss, but ignored it.

Gwen stared up at him for a moment, then took a deep breath. "Alright, how about we make a deal?"

"What?" he asked.

She flicked her eyes to his chest, then up to his. "You can keep going...with Lizy and Loan...but not the others."

Lemy started to tell her no, but it was her turn to cut him off. "If you love them and they love you, that's fine. And if you want to show me that you love me, you won't have sex with anyone but the three of us."

He glanced at Lizy - she was smiling in her sleep, her arms still wrapped around his and her face snuggled against it. A stronger man would have said no...a better man would have told Gwen that he loved her and only her and that she just had to deal with it, but he wasn't a stronger man or a better one...he was weak. He couldn't turn Lizy and Loan away...not for his sake, but for theirs. The loss he felt when he told Gwen he wouldn't be with them anymore...that proved he loved them as more than sisters, and breaking up with them...if that's what it can be called...would hurt, but he could stand it for himself. He couldn't stand it to hurt them.

Sighing, he faced Gwen and looked into her eyes. "Okay," he said, and brushed her cheek. "I won't do anyone else." He paused. "And you have to make me a deal."

"What?"

He caressed her forehead. "Always remember that I love you, and stop thinking you're not good enough." He smiled wanly. "You're better than I deserve."

"Not really," she said gloomily.

"Yes, really," he replied. "I love you, Gwen, and you just have to deal with it."

She looked into his eyes...and smiled. "Okay," she said, "I'll try." She scooted up and kissed him. "I love you, Lemy," she said.

"I love you too," he replied. "Stop thinking I don't or I'm gonna have to spank you."

A beautiful pink blush spread across her face. "Really?" she asked. There was a challenge in her voice.

"Really."

She tilted her head and seemed to think for a moment - should I joke about him not loving me? It's kind of a serious topic, dudette. "I guess I better behave then," she finally said.


Sunday morning, Lupa Loud greeted dawn as she usually did: Sitting upright in bed and staring into the gloom, a cigarette smoldering between her fingers and a scowl on her face. If you saw her, you might think she was angry, but she wasn't: She had this syndrome called 'resting bitch face' that she couldn't get rid of no matter what she did. Some people are handsome, others ugly, and others...others look like they'd sooner rip your head off than look at you. She didn't mind her RBF; she wasn't what you'd call a people person, and if her naturally dour appearance pushed people away, great, no complaints here.

That might make her sound like a bitch, but she wasn't - at least she didn't think she was. Bitches delight in being cruel and hostile, she did not: That took too much energy and made her tired. Oh, she could be the biggest bastard you ever met, but she couldn't sustain it for long. You know what they say: The flame that burns the brightest goes out the fastest.

No, she didn't think she was a bitch, she just didn't like people - they were loud, rude, selfish, stupid, and had the irritating tendency to turn everything they touched to shit, like some kind of backwards King Midas. Look at any place where they congregate - social media, political parties, religions, fandoms - and if you don't see a bubbling cesspool, you're either blind, stupid, or part of the problem. Oh, there are good people, she wasn't dumb enough to think there weren't, but you had to dig for them, and you know what? They weren't worth the effort.

She was happy to be alone, then, or at least as happy as she could be; see...of all the people in the world she didn't like, she disliked Lupa Loud the most. Heh. Dislike. No, no...she hated herself. She hated the sound of her voice, she hated her snowy white hair and her tired eyes, she hated her face and her tiny breasts, and sometimes she hated the things she liked simply because she liked them.

Oh, and she hated her fucking mood swings. One minute she'd be high like a disco dancer on coke, then the next she'd be so low Garth Brooks wanted to be her friend. She thought she was bipolar, but she didn't know because she'd never been to the doctor. She should go, but the thought of her parents oh, poor Lupa, let's make a big fucking deal out of this drained her. Whatever, I'll deal with it myself.

The thing she hated most about herself was that she fucked her father.

At this point, you might think that's normal. Lincoln and his daughters have sex, what's the big?

Well, it's not normal. It's so fucking far from normal they might as well be on opposite sides of the galaxy. Maybe the others didn't realize this, but she did.

She also realized that while she wanted to stop, she couldn't.

Why?

Because sex is the physical manifestation of love, and she needed love because she didn't love herself. She was like a coffee mug with a crack in the bottom: Every time she was filled up, it all leaked back out. And no, she wasn't talking about fucking sperm, she was talking about love. She left her father's bed brimming with the stuff, but slowly, inevitably, it all drained out of her and she would have to go back for a refill. There was also the horniness inherent in being a Loud, but that was secondary for her. The feeling of being loved, and the temporary self love that it ignited, were her primary motivations.

Once upon a time, she was ashamed of this. Now she wasn't. It was just another thing.

While she hated herself and disliked most people, she loved her family - kind of strange, really, she personally didn't see how one can love anyone without first loving themselves, but this world doesn't make sense sometimes, does it? That's not to say everything was sunshine and lollipops, because it wasn't: Sometimes they got on her fucking nerves, and sometimes just the sight of them woke inexplicable anger in her heart, Leia especially. Oh, look at me, I'm pink and grilish and snooty. Ugh. She loved her little sister, but a lot of the time she didn't really like her.

She liked Lemy, though, and the more she thought of how they'd drifted apart, the more it bothered her.

I know what you're thinking, I wanna fuck him so we can 'bond' and I can feel 'loved.' Yeah, kind of, I guess, but...I kind of don't want that. Lemy and I have always had a normal relationship, and...I kind of want it to stay that way: I like that we can hang out and talk and be a regular brother and sister. I don't wanna ruin that...I don't want to pervert that. Nothing else is normal for me, and having that one thing, that rock, means more to me than maybe it should. Leia says you don't really know a guy until you've pillow talked with them after sex. Maybe she's right - and if she is, I don't wanna know Lemy that way. I just...I want one fucking shred of happy normalcy in my life, is that so much to ask, Lupa?

Yep. Have sex with him.

Sigh.

You're making excuses. Lure him in here and ride him like a rented scooter.

Maybe. It's not like I deserve a healthy relationship with him. I fuck my father, I've fucked my mother, I'm short-tempered, uncharitable, self-pitying...I don't deserve shit I want. I deserve to wallow in the filth of my life and then die.

She took a drag and let the smoke out in a broken cloud. The first faint rays of the sun crept across the wall and made narrow slats on the plaster. She liked mornings - they were quiet and there was a certain purity about them that appealed to her; the day was just beginning and hadn't yet been soiled, perhaps. She didn't deserve mornings; if she could, she'd go back to sleep and miss it, but her schedule was set, early to bed early to rise, and if she laid down now she'd just stare up at the ceiling, so...whatever.

It doesn't matter.

Nothing does.

She took another puff and inhaled deeply.

I hate this glum, emo fucking monologuing too; woe unto me, woe! Yuck. If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all.

So she sat there.

More light spread through the room, and birds began to sing.

Lacy stirred and muttered in her sleep.

Someone went into the bathroom and turned the shower on.

The cigarette burned down to the filter and stung Lupa's skin; she stubbed it out in the ashtray with nary a twitch.

She was still sitting there when Lacy rolled out of bed and went into the hall. Alone, she lit another cigarette and smoked it sparingly, as though it were her last, which, let's be honest it might be. She didn't feel like cutting her wrists again, but like Forrest Gump said, life is like a box of chocolates -you never know what you're going to get. If she did do it, she'd make damn sure she wouldn't have to do it again- no more half-hearted attempts or cutting for the rush, this time she'd mean business. Only, she didn't really want to die, she wanted...she wanted...I don't know. To be normal? To be whole and unbroken? To lose a couple dozen IQ points so she'd be dumb and happy like Leia or Liena? To be loved? To love herself?

Maybe.

And maybe not.

Change is scary, even if it's change for the better. Hell, especially if it's change for the better; we get so used to something that letting go is next to impossible.

If she were to change, where would she start?

Fucking her father?

Logical place, but she couldn't; she couldn't stop because she was a broken person and being with Dad was the fabled quick fix that kept her going. Oh, that's so sad. Maybe it is, but the vast majority of people on earth are the same exact way: They walk around with duct tape on their hearts and souls. Drug addictions, alcoholism, hobbies that act more as refuges, bullying others to make themselves feel better. Everyone hurts, not just Lupa Loud. She wasn't special, she didn't have it any worse than anyone else; she was just another ant on her little ant errands and living her little ant life. Nothing more, nothing less.

She stabbed the cigarette out and got up. In the hallway, Luan, Lynn, Lyra, Lana, and Leia waited in front of the bathroom door. She fell in behind Leia and crossed her arms over her chest. Unlike some of her siblings, and aunts, she didn't mind waiting: She had nothing but time. Everyone else had somewhere to be, something to do, but it's all just killing time; we rush around like chickens with their heads cut off just to fill our days. You know why? Because even the dumbest among us, alone with their thoughts, begin to suspect that maybe their little projects and sports teams aren't that important after all, and once that first domino falls, it's game over.

Poor Lupa, her worldview is so warped and cynical. No, it's not. Scientific studies have found that intelligent people are more susceptible to depression. They cook up bullshit excuses about overthinking, but it's really because when you see the world for what it is, it depresses the fuck out of you. And what is the world, you might ask? A sewer. A fucking open sewer.

You can adapt to that like she had, but don't expect to be happy go lucky about it.

The bathroom door opened and Leni came out, her eyes crossed and a dopey little smile on her face. There but for the disfavor of God go I. She'd always envied Leni and her lack of self-awareness. No wonder she was always upbeat. I'd be upbeat too if I was practically retarded.

She scrunched her lips to the side. Actually, I'd rather be me.

As much as I suck.


Lemy ate breakfast surrounded by his harem - Loan on his right, Lizy on his left, and Gwen in his lap. Lizy kept looking at him and beaming, Gwen rubbed her butt against his crotch in a way that may-have-been-accidental-but-totally-wasn't, and Loan stole sidelong glances at him and smiled slyly.

What have I gotten myself into?

No one seemed to notice or care if they did. No one except for Leia, that is: Lemy caught her sneaking thoughtful looks at him, Lizy, and Loan - she knew about Gwen, obviously, but not about the others. Not that it was any of her business.

When he wasn't looking at one of his sisters (or the back of Gwen's head), Lemy watched his father: Old man Loud sat between Lucy and Mom and ate his toast and eggs without a care in the world. Just looking at him made Lemy angry.

You guys know my beef with him, so I'm not going to waste words on going through it all again.

Wait.

That's exactly what I'm going to do. Loan feels isolated and like trash, a condition that is exacerbated by the loveless, lip-service sex he throws at her feet. Dude...she fucking cried after I was with her. She said I've never felt so loved. That's sad, isn't it? I think it is, because I was once where she is, I felt like garbage, I didn't feel loved or wanted. I was on and on about sex but I know for a fact that if I got what Dad's been giving her, I'd feel even worse. She's obviously not into it...but why would she be? I'm ugly, smelly, can't satisfy her, and generally suck. Loan doesn't deserve that...man, no one deserves that.

Not even Juicy.

He shuddered.

Gwen looked over her shoulder. "You alright, Freak?"

"I'm good," he said, "I just thought of something repulsive."

"Loan's underwear?" Lacy asked from across the table. Lemy winced. Really, Lace? What the fuck?

Loan's face darkened. "Your jockstrap."

"Lyra's music," Leia said, and Lyra flipped her off.

Down the table, Lori took a sip of her coffee. "Lupa smoking in the house."

The white haired girl made absolutely no sign that she heard.

"Luan's comedy," Lynn said with a devious smirk. Luan glared.

God, what have I done?

"Dad trying to dance," Liby said, and half of the table erupted in raucous laughter.

The way Dad's been doing Loan, Lemy thought but didn't say.

"Alright, girls, that's enough," Dad said, "you can roast each other - and me - after breakfast."

After sobering up from their laff riot, everyone went back to their meal except for Lupa, who stood, grabbed her plate, and carried it into the kitchen with a disgusted sigh. She thought traditional Loud House morning roasts were 'inane' - not that that stopped her from partaking here and there. In all fairness, he thought they were dumb too until he had a zinger. When she came back through on her way to her room, he caught a glimpse of her face and frowned: She looked pissed. More pissed than usual, that is.

Maybe he should talk to her too, see if she was okay; she got depressed a lot. She didn't like talking about it so she'd just push him away, though. They were close, but there are some things you don't talk about with even your BFF...like how isolated and virginal you are.

Gwen finished and got up, making sure to scrape her butt against his half-chub, turning it into a full-chub. Lizy and Loan both looked at the resulting tent and smiled; they looked so much alike in that moment it was scary. "You wanna play a game?" Loan asked.

"With me?" Lizy added.

Loan's brows knitted, and Lemy tensed. Oh, God, here it goes. "I'm talking about a different game. One for grown-ups."

Everyone was looking at them, and Lemy slouched down in his chair.

"Like the one we played last night?" Lizy asked, and Lemy's face burned.

Down the the table, Lana choked on her food, and Lola pounded her on the back. "I thought she'd wait," Lana coughed.

Loan glared at the younger girl. "I play it better."

Dad looked from one to the other like a man watching a tennis ball being hit back and forth. Lemy felt like a tennis ball being hit back and forth.

"I smell better."

Loan sneered.

"Alright, knock it off," Dad said firmly, "there's plenty of your brother to go around. Isn't there, Lemy?" He lifted his brow. Isn't there?

"Yeah," Lemy said and looked from Lizy to Loan, "just...I'll hang with both of you later. First I have to talk to Dad." He glanced at his father; the old man didn't seem surprised. He probably thought he was coming to him for advice on managing a harem. Sorry, buddy, but -

Actually, that's a good idea.

Fuck, now I can't go hard on him.

Loan and Lizy both sighed and looked away from each other, content that they would each get a turn - for now.

When breakfast was over, the others scattered to the wind and Dad and Lori went into the kitchen to do the dishes. Should he go in there and talk to both of them? Loan's problems didn't stem from just Dad alone, after all, her mother was a source of vexation too.

Nah, Loan had to be the one to do that. The issues she had with Lori were a little deeper than being deadfished in the bedroom.

Crossing his arms, he settled in for a long wait.

Twenty minutes later, Lori came out of the kitchen and went into the living room. Dad came behind, drying his hands on a dish towel. Without being asked or reminded, he dropped into the chair across from Lemy, tossed the rag onto the table, and rested his forearms on the edge. "So," he said with a smug little smile, "it begins."

There was a mocking inflection in his voice that Lemy didn't like. At least he thought there was. "Yeah," he allowed, "it begins."

"I've seen the way Loan's been looking at you lately, and from what I hear, Lizy's head over heels for you."

Lemy briefly wondered where he heard that, but shoved it aside. "Yeah, I think both of them are...are into me."

"Are you into them?" Dad asked pointedly.

The question caught Lemy off guard, and he had to think about it for a second. Was he? He certainly thought so, then again, he wasn't 100 percent sure how he felt. He loved Loan and enjoyed being with her - both intimately and otherwise - and he had a much better time with Lizy than he thought he would, and his feelings were much deeper than he expected them to be.

"Yeah," he finally said "I'm into them."

Dad regarded him for a moment then sighed. "Alright, well, I know it can be a little confusing...the feelings you have for your sisters. When it was me, I honestly couldn't tell where I stood. I mean, I loved them all, but...I loved them in different ways and for different reasons. Still do, in fact."

"I feel that," Lemy admitted.

"It's natural," Dad said, "love takes many different forms and feels differently in each case. What I feel for your mother and what I feel for Lori aren't the same, but they're both love." He paused to let that sink in a moment. "With Lori it's a warm, comfortable thing...and with your mother it's fiery and passionate."

Okay...bro...first thing, I really don't wanna know how fiery and passionate you are with Mom, and two...you give good advice, you really do, but you're so long winded. Jesus H. You can ask this guy one question, and he'll just keep going and going and going. Third...I agree with you one hundred percent. What I feel for Gwen isn't exactly what I feel for Lizy, and what I feel for Loan is...well, it's similar but not wholly the same.

So…I don't love them the same but I do love them the same, like...Dad loves Lori and Mom in two different ways, but he still loves them period.

Like the Dan Baird song.

Sorry, I had to get that out of my system.

"I was kind of struggling," Lemy said, "to, you know, figure out if I was in love with them, but...I think I am."

"Who exactly? Just Loan, Lizy, and Gwen?"

Lemy nodded. "Yeah. I'm actually...I-I'm not messing with the others anymore." For some reason he couldn't name, he felt a rush of embarrassment at this.

His father noticed. "There's nothing wrong with that. I was hoping all of your sisters would eventually wind up with you, but I don't think that's going to happen. Liby and Lacy seem happy, and Liena's been talking about marrying someone...so…' he shrugged.

Yeah, no, that's not going to happen, you're right.

"I imagined some of them winding up with you," Dad continued. "Being as great a guy as you are, it was inevitable. I knew one was going to be Lizy. You two have always been close, and you're a good brother; I was certain she'd eventually fall in love with you. I honestly didn't think Loan would."

Ah, and there we are. "Actually," Lemy said, "that's the reason I wanted to talk to you."

"Loan?" Dad asked.

Lemy nodded. "Yep. She, uh…" he trailed off. Now that he was here, face-to-face with his old man, all of the things he planned to say escaped him and his mind went blank. He rubbed the back of hs neck and tried to articulate himself. This always happens to me. I can speak eloquently in my head (I know, not often), but as soon as I open my mouth it's like a train jumping the tracks. He's looking at me funny now; I gotta say something. "She-She...she said when you have sex with her you're a dead fish. You just do your thing and get out."

Dad flinched, whether at the implicit accusation or in embarrassment that Loan talked to him about their sex life Lemy couldn't say, though he suspected the latter. "Well…" he floundered, "I suppose that's true -"

"Why?" Lemy demanded, his father's confession raking the embers of his anger. "Why do you do that to her? Do you have any idea how badly that hurts her? I mean, she's fragile, she needs love and affection, not someone drilling her then walking away. "

Dad opened his mouth, but Lemy cut him off. "Our first time, I made love to her, and you know what she did afterward? She cried. She said she never felt so loved in her life and that when you do her, you don't even kiss her. Man, that might not be important to you, but to people like me and her, it means everything. The intimacy is...fucking...vital." He was trembling with rage now, his face hot and his teeth clenched. Right now, at this table, he was drowning in the darkness and isolation he suffered last year, the way a vet goes back to Vietnam when they get triggered by Night Court or something. All of that pain and self-loathing, always in him but locked away, was bubbling to the surface, and he realized, vaguely, that if he didn't get a hold of himself, he would take off like a rocket. He drew a deep breath and fought it back down, shoved it into its box and forced the lid. "It's fucked up," he said, his voice unsteady.

Across from him, Dad sighed deeply. "I didn't know it bothered her so much," he said. "She never told me and I never...never saw any evidence -"

"So you're blind?"

Dad's eyes narrowed slightly. "No. I'm not a mind reader, Lemy. I can read people but not someone inscrutable like Loan or Lupa, or even Lucy. I didn't know."

"Why do you do her that way, though?" Lemy asked. "I mean, with the others you -"

"Do the same."

Lemy faltered. What? Alright, I might look dumb in my headband, but I'm really not. "That's a lie. I've seen you going at it with Lyra and Lupa a thousand times."

"Have you ever seen me kiss them on the lips?" Dad asked.

"Yes!"

"With tongue?"

Lemy opened his mouth to reply that he had, but stopped. Had he? He never stood there and watched, but, yeah, he'd seen him with his face in Lyra's neck like he was kissing her...though he didn't think he'd ever actually seen said kisses. To be fair.

He said as much, and Dad rolled his eyes. "What do you expect me to do with my head, Lemy? Take it off and set it aside until I'm done like it's a hat? I gotta put my face somewhere, and, yeah, it's usually the neck. Where I can't see what I'm doing."

What?

Dad saw the confusion on his face and nodded slowly, bleakly. "Do you know how hard it is for me to have sex with my own daughters?"

"No," Lemy blurted. "I've seen you fuck them a million times. I've seen you initiate it a million times."

Dad sighed and hung his head. "I know."

Lemy spread his arms. "T-Then what's up? I mean, if you don't like it…"

"Like you didn't like it with Lizy?"

Lemy froze.

Dad looked up at him and nodded. "She wanted it, you gave in, and you enjoyed it. That's where I was with each one of your sisters. They came to me and I caved because I'm weak. Whatever Lisa did...I was weak before that. They all want me and I give in and I…" he looked away. "I like it. I like the feeling of how wrong it is. I-It's exciting...to me. And even feeling like a piece of shit afterwards." He barked a dry, humorless laugh. "But I can't bring myself to...do certain things. I know it doesn't make sense, but they're my daughters, I can't kiss their necks and eat their pussies. I do...eat them...but only if they ask or if...like with Leia...I don't fit."

Jesus fuck. This dude's sicker than I am. He started to ask how he could do it, but then he remembered Lizy, and the time they spent together the night before. It worked on kind of the same principle, only he actually enjoyed it. Dad didn't, at least...not the way he did. As he made love to her, he looked into her eyes and drank in her face the way a fag drinks fancy wine. He fucking reveled in her.

"So...it's just sex to you?"

He didn't mean it to, but it came out as an accusation.

Dad hesitated, then nodded. "With my daughters, yes."

He was right...it didn't make sense...but who the fuck was he to judge? He was worse. He sighed and slumped back in his chair. He couldn't deny it, though; despite everything, he took to Lizy like a natural and right now, he felt shame and regret...but not fucking much.

"It's different with you and Lizy," Dad said, "you're her big brother, but you're not her father. There is a difference. A big difference."

Lemy wiped his hand thoughtfully across his mouth. "It doesn't feel like it. It doesn't feel like it should."

"It's different," Dad affirmed, "you didn't produce her. Don't beat yourself up. There's nothing wrong with what you did. Me...there's a lot wrong with what I do, but...that's how it goes."

It was Lemy's turn to laugh humorlessly. Hell of an explanation, Dad. "Look, I get it...kind of...but they need more than a fucking pump and dump. Loan does. She thinks you're repulsed by her or something."

Dad winced.

"She needs you to show her love, and you know just as well as I do that around here that means sex...and not dead fish sex, either."

For a long time, Dad stared down at his hands, his eyes leaden, his face pinched in thought. Finally, he looked up. "You're right," he said. "I should have known that Loan needed extra attention. I just…" he sighed. "I'm gonna make it right."

"Good," Lemy said. "Do it soon." He thought for a second. "But not now. I have to talk to her about something…"


Gwen glanced up from her phone as Lizy bounced into the room, her ponytail swishing jauntily and a happy hum on her lips. She was carrying something in her arms.

Stacks of clothes.

Uh…

She went to the dresser, opened one of the drawers, and started to put them away. Gwen watched with a mixture of curiosity and horror - was she moving in?

Honestly, she thought that this might happen - she was in love with Lemy much like Gwen herself - but she couldn't say she expected it so soon. She anticipated a little bit of breathing room. Apparently not, though, because Lizy was definitely putting her clothes into hers and Lemy's dresser.

The older girl frowned a little, not sure how she should feel. On the one hand, having Lizy around wouldn't be so bad, but on the other...she really enjoyed having a room for just her and Lemy, where they could shut out the world and be alone. In fact, while she was not quite comfortable calling this her house, she was okay calling this her room. Now it looked like it was hers, Lemy's, and Lizy's.

She watched Lizy stow her clothes and wondered if she should say something. "Hey, Lizy," she said after a moment of indecision, "what'cha doing?" Her voice was halting.

"Putting my stuff away," Lizy piped.

Oh. I hadn't noticed. She started to speak again, but Lizy was already skipping out the door. For a few beats, Gwen stared after her, then glanced absently at her phone screen: She was texting with Marsha, but suddenly her friend's boy problems didn't seem so important.

She really, really, really liked having her and Lemy time, and right now loss clutched her chest like jagged graveyard fingers. Again, she kinda sorta thought Lizy might do this, but the idea was still new and she hadn't gotten used to it yet: It was like being shoved into cold water instead of easing yourself in and slowly adjusting. Some people said the former was the way to go, but she preferred the latter - it was less of a shock to the system.

Like having your sanctum invaded by a three foot tall blonde girl.

Lizy loved Lemy as much as she did, though, and he loved her too, so what could she do? Make a fuss? She could see Lizy's heartbreaking now, and it made her heart break; she couldn't do that.

God, I'm such a cuck. He's going to get everyone pregnant but me and I'm going to wind up raising his children while desperately wanting one of my own but never having it; then I'll turn into a drunk and die sad and miserable.

A twinge of anxiety pinched her chest and the air left her lungs in a rush. Oh, that sounded awful.

Horrible, terrible possible future aside, Lizy was here to stay and she would just have to get used to it. And so would Lizy, come to think of it: She was in the same boat, the SS There's-Another-Girl-Here, and Gwen might be kind of a cuck, but she was not going to go in a corner while Lizy hogged Lemy to herself. They would have to come up with a schedule or something so it wasn't complete chaos.

Sigh.

That sounded fantastic.

^ Sarcasm.

Lizy came back with another armful of things, a spring in her step: Toys, model cars, a plastic Titanic, her prized T-Rex that she sent tumbling down the stairs even to this day despite Lemy's warnings not to. She dumped the load onto the dresser, spun, and left again. What's next, her bed?

Actually, Gwen wouldn't mind that.

When the little girl came back, though, she was carrying a backpack in one hand and a hamper full of the clothes in the other. She sat both by the foot of the bed and then dropped on, her arms flying out on either side like she was making a snow angel. She took a deep breath and turned her head to Gwen, a big smile on her face. "Thank you for helping me," she said.

Gwen wasn't expecting that. "You're welcome," she said. "I know how it feels to be in love with someone and...have to work to win them over."

Lizy's brows furrowed. "Who did you have to win over?"

"Lemy."

It wasn't until that single word left her lips that Gwen realized just how much she and her new roommate had in common: Both of them fell in love with Lemy...and in the beginning, he loved neither of them back. Both went to extreme measures to get him to love them, and both ultimately succeeded despite the presence of another girl in his heart: For Gwen it was Lyra, and for Lizy it was Gwen. In an instant, she saw so much of herself in the little girl that it was staggering.

Heck, you could even argue that she was moving into a new place just like Gwen herself did.

"You have to win Lemy over?" Lizy asked as though the thought boggled her mind. "Why? You're pretty and smart and nice...you're, like, the whole deal."

Gwen was shocked into a laugh and her cheeks turned red. "Thanks, but I'm not that great."

"You're better than Leia," Lizy said, "she's a bitch sometimes. You're never a bitch."

Gwen's mind went back to the conversation with Leia on the porch the other day. "Leia cares about you," she said, "she just...she doesn't show it right sometimes. She really wanted you to make Lemy like you so you'd be happy, which is why she was such a bitch about your training."

Lizy seemed to consider that for a moment. "I guess," she said, "but she's still a bitch even if she means well."

That...was not untrue, and Lizy's insight surprised her. "She loves you, though, and that has to count for something."

"Yeah," Lizy said thoughtful, "it does. Still, you care about be and you're not a bitch. Why can't she be like that too?"

Shame rose in Gwen's chest like bile - wasn't she just being bitchy about Lizy being here? Not out loud, but that didn't make it any better. You care about me and you're not a bitch. Sigh, yes I am, Liz...I'm an insecure bitch with low self-esteem who, deep down, can't believe that Lemy actually loves me, that anyone would love me, and if I'm not careful, I'm going to drive Lemy away. I'll drive everyone away.

No use in thinking like that, though. It'll only make things worse.

Think about Leia instead; she's the topic at hand. Leia could be...temperamental...and bossy...and overbearing...and rude...and selfish...and a lot of things, but she was a good friend and Gwen loved her. "That's just how she is," she said. "Some people can be difficult to deal with sometimes, but they're usually worth it. Leia's one of them."

Lizy shrugged. "Yeah, you're right." She turned her head to Gwen and smiled. "Now that we're roommates, we can do all sorts of fun stuff. Do you like models? I have a bitchin' Trans Am I've been wanting to work on forever…"


Lemy stood outside Loan's door and practiced what he was going to say, even though he knew damn well he'd botch it when they came face-to-face. Loan, what we shared the other day was incredible, and I feel very strongly for you *Brushes hair from her cheek and stares deeply into her eyes* If you don't feel the same way, I'll understand, and I'll be perfectly content being brother and sister...or siblings with benefits...or anything you want. I care about you and I'm here for you no matter what.

Shivers, brah, shivers; The Lifetime Movie Network would run that shit twenty times a day.

Yeah, but it'd probably come out like uhhh, I, like, ya know, really, ya know, care about you, bro, and I wanna be your, uh, ya know, brah and stuff.

Okay, it wouldn't be that bad, but it sure as hell wouldn't be what it could be, what it should be.

Before I do this, though, is that really what I want to say? I love you but if you don't love me back we can still be brother and sister? A better question would be: What do I really want from this talk? Do I want her to pledge her life to me the way her mother did to Dad? Do I want her to just know my feelings? Dad said you feel different types of love for different girls, and for Loan it's more tenderness than fiery passion (like Dad feels for Mom, ugh). I don't feel obsessive over her like one of those gay ass romantic poetes - you consume my eve'y thought in waking fire and fill me with burning desire - I feel more like...what was it Dad said about Lori? That she was comfortable or cozy or some shit? I guess what I feel for Loan is more akin to that.

Hmmm...I dunno, man, I feel like I'm overthinking this, but I'd rather that than underthink it because it's better to have it and not need it than to need it and not have it. That's to say: I'd rather go in there mentally prepared for anything and know exactly where I stand. I just…

You know what?

He knocked.

There.

"Yeah?" Loan's voice was hesitant; people didn't often knock on her door, and when they did it usually meant something was wrong and she was going to get bitched out.

"It's me," he called back, and resisted the urge to add his name. No shit, Sherlock, she's knows it's you; the only other man in this house doesn't sound like a reedy ass thirteen year old boy, so that kind of narrows it down.

"Come in."

He turned the handle, slipped in, and closed the door behind him.

Loan was sitting at her desktop flanking the bed, a pair of headphones around her neck and her hand resting on the mouse. She wore a blue and gray sweater and white socks tucked into the cuffs of her gray sweatpants. A sea of empty Mountain Dew bottles, empty Monster cans, and a half full two liter of Pepsi flooded the the desk, a few strays lying on the matted carpet at her feet.

Given her...issues...Loan was not and had never been expected to share a room: He, her, and Liena were the only ones with their own space, though every once in a while there would be an argument and someone would wind up staying with Liena.

Being the sole occupant, Loan felt no pressure to keep the place clean, though she surprisingly didn't leave it a total apocalyptic pigsty either. There were dirty plates on the nightstand, dirty clothes heaped at the foot of the bed, and trash here and there on the floor, but that was it: No food splatters on the wall, no half eaten Big Macs moldering in the corners, no piles of old, piss soaked newspapers - it looked like a slob lived here, not one of those assholes from Hoarders. And if you don't know how surprising that iis, nigga, you never seen how she did the living room.

"Hey," she said with a happy inflection; her face glowed and her eyes twinkled, which made Lemy's heart double over like a gunshot victim...but in a good way.

"Hey," he said and went over. He wasn't sure if he should go in for a kiss or not, then said fuck it. He leaned over and she met him half way with her lips; locking her eyes with his, she flicked her tongue out and lashed his bottom lip. He darted his out and curled it against hers; for a moment they grappled back and forth like two thumb wrestlers, then they tilted their heads and kissed deeply, his hand cupping the back of her neck and both of hers gripping his waist.

When he pulled back, they smiled at each other, and Loan licked her lips as if to catch the taste of his mouth; her eyes were hazed and half-lidded, and her smile got wider as she scanned his face and (presumably) saw the love and affection thereon (is that even a word?). "Hi," she said giggled.

"We already went through this," Lemy grinned and pressed his forehead to hers. Her smell filled his nose and he took a deep breath, relishing it. She looked up into his eyes and circled her arms around his hips, and the warm closeness of her body sent his heart slamming even faster than it already was.

Pretty strong circumstantial evidence for you loving her.

I never denied that I did, I just -

The defense rests.

Okay.

"I like saying hi to you," she said and smirked. "Is that alright?"

He nodded. "Yeah." He pulled away and sat on the edge of the bed; she turned in her chair and kicked her feet up onto his lap. He wrapped his hand around one and rubbed his thumb absently into her sole. "I need to talk to you," he said.

"What about?" she asked easily and slouched down a little bit; a look of bliss crossed her face and it was easy to imagine she was melting under his touch.

Alright. Here it goes. "I really…"

Her eyes were crystal blue, like clear pools, and her iris was streaked with green. Lemy didn't know if that was normal, but it was beautiful, and his chest constricted.

Maybe I have no game whatsoever, but looking into a woman's eyes and telling her you love her, baring your soul to her and peering deep into her soul, is the hardest motherfucking thing ever. I don't think it was hard with Gwen, though - with her it felt so right and natural, like taking a breath, that I didn't even think twice about it. Or maybe I did. Who knows?

"What?" Loan asked through a smile.

They used to say Chuck Norris's tears cure cancer - too bad he didn't cry. Loan didn't often smile, which was good because when she did, it was as infectious as the Superflu. Lemy grinned and bowed his head. "I love you," he blurted.

She giggled. "I love you too."

He looked up. "Like...I think I'm in love with you."

"I think I am too," she said. "With you."

That admission stabbed him in the guts like a broadsword glowing orange with heat - in a good way, though; a happy laugh escaped his throat and he looked away from Loan's blushing face.

Now comes the tricky part.

"You know I...I love Gwen too, right? And Lizy?"

She nodded. "I kind of figured."

"You're okay with that?" he asked hopefully.

She shrugged. "Whatever." She seemed to think a moment, then added. "I'll be upfront with you, I love it when you hold me and stuff, but I like my space, and...I kind of like to sleep alone. So you're good there. Just…" she trailed off and looked away as if embarrassed. "Be there for me."

"I will," he vowed and kneaded her foot

She smiled. "Good." She glanced over her shoulder; on the computer screen, a third person view showed a man in armor standing in a stone walled passageway lit by the feeble glow of torch light. "You can watch if you want, but I really need to get back in there. Gabi needs me."

Gabi was an online friend of Loan's, and the moderator of her Discord server. She was a huge geek like Loan apparently, and lived in Royal Woods, by some fucking astronomical chance. They'd known each other for almost a year and hadn't even met in person.

"I kind of need to talk to Lizy," Lemy said. "If you don't need me."

Loan spun to face the computer. "Nah, you're fine. I just wanna cuddle later." She threw him a sexy glance. "And fuck."

"Alright," Lemy grinned and got to his feet, "we can do that."

In the hall, he shut the door and leaned against it. Whew. That was ridiculously easy. I figured she'd want her space (though she does have the potential to be clingy, I think), but I didn't think she'd be like yeah, whatever, I won't be a problem. I could have sworn there was gonna be drama inbound -

"Oh, Lemy…"

Lemy glanced up to see Leia poking her head out her door, a sly smile on her pink lips. "Can you come here for a minute? I need your help."

Ooooh.

What kind of help? Because there are certain things I can't help you with anymore. "With what?" he asked.

She lidded her eyes. "Come here and see."

Yep. She wanted that kind of help

Perfect. This was a yet another conversation I wasn't particularly looking forward to. Out of all my sisters, I sleep with Leia the most, and a good eight times out of ten, she initiates it. That tells me that she really likes it. Of course, Dad can't fit so she's gonna come to me. I'm not really stressing on telling everyone else that I'm a three girl man now, but Leia...yeah, I'm sweating that.

Pushing away from the door, he went over and she grinned.

This wasn't going to be easy. "I have to talk to you about something."

She stepped into his arms and pressed her body against his, her hands going to his shoulders. "We can talk later," she said and kissed the corner of his mouth, breathing faster. "When you're done helping me." She moved her palms down over his chest, and Shocky twitched to life because Shocky was a mindless cheating bastard who didn't care as long as he got wet.

Lemy put his hands on Leia's shoulders and gently but firmly pushed her back. Her brow furrowed deeply. "What are you doing?" she demanded.

She looked mad.

And a little disappointed.

"I can't have sex with you anymore," he said.

For a moment she didn't seem to register his words, then they hit and the expression on her face was one of a woman who'd just been slapped. "What?" she asked.

"I can't anymore," he said, looking away from the tempest in her eyes. "Gwen and I talked, and she's afraid I'm going to dump her or something, and I decided that, you know, to show how much I love her...I'm only going to be with her. And Lizy and Loan but those are special cases."

Leia's jaw dropped, then clenched, her eyes flashing red with anger. "So Gwen's making you stop," she said, her voice hard and cold.

"No!" he said quickly. "I just told you, I made the decision. She didn't want me to and -"

"And you're gonna keep fucking Lizy and Loan." Her face was scarlet now and her lips screwed up. "I'm not good enough for you anymore?"

Lemy sighed. "No," he said, "listen...I'm only with them because they caught feelings and…"

His words cut off when Leia shoved him roughly back, her face dark. "Fuck you," she snarled.

"Leia…"

She slapped him, her palm cracking across his face like a whip and sending his head to one side; hot, stinging agony filled the world and tears of pain welled in his eyes. Leia was an abstract blur as she drew back into her room like a trapdoor spider and slammed the door; the sound echoed through the house like thunder.

For a moment, Lemy just stood there in shock. He didn't think it would be easy breaking the news to Leia, but he didn't expect that. She hit hard too, like she meant it. I'm not good enough for you anymore? Leave it to her to take it that way.

He rubbed the side of his face and winced.

She wasn't just mad, she was hurt, you could see it in her eyes.

Damn it.

Now I have guilt.

When she calms down a little I'll try to talk to her; for now I think I need to lie down, my fucking head is spinning. GIrl should take up boxing, she'd be the best in her division. Or maybe I'm just a bitch who can't take a lump.

Shaking his head, he went to his room and opened the door, stumbling back as gay ass pop music washed over him, all piano and falsetto vocals.

Cities come and cities go just like the old empires

When all you do is change your clothes and call that versatile

You got so many colors make a blind man so confused

Then why can't I keep up when you're the only thing I lose?

Dude singing sounded like one of the Gibbs. Guess Leia killed me and now I'm in hell.

Gwen and Lizy were on the bed, the former sitting on her knees and the latter Indian style: Plastic pieces were scattered before them. Gwen held the frame of a toy car in her hand; she nudged the front end against Lizy's knee and made an explosion noise with her mouth. Both giggled. "There's no fuel tank, Gwen," Lizy said patiently, "it can't blow up."

You got so many colors make a blind man so confused

Then why can't I keep up when you're the only thing I lose?

"It's a Michael Bay movie," Gwen said, "everything blows up." She glanced at Lemy and smiled. "Hey, Freak."

Lizy whipped around and her face lit up. "Hi, Lem!"

"What are you guys doing?" he asked and came into the room.

"Building a model," Lizy said. "Wanna help?"

So I'll just pretend that I know which way to bend

And I'm gonna tell the whole world that you're mine

His eyes went to the dresser: Lizy's T-Rex stared back at him, its tooth filled maw open and frozen as if in a hearty greeting. One of the drawers was open, and he he caught a glimpse of clothing that didn't belong to him...or Gwen. He looked at them, Lizy's smile was wide and beaming, Gwen's was subdued and amused. He flicked his eyes to Lizy. What's up with this? Gwen shrugged. She's moving in.

Oh. Alright.

I guess.

Just please understand when I see you clap your hands

If you stick around I'm sure that you'll be fine

"Sure," he said. He crossed to the bed and sat. "What are we working on?"

Lizy crawled into his lap and situated herself, back pressed to his chest, head resting against his shoulder; she looked like a little girl in a big, comfy chair. "'77 Trans Am," she said. "The king of all muscle cars." She held her hand out, and Gwen gave her the frame. "You're just in time to help us install the engine block."

Lemy chuckled and slipped one arm around her stomach, then kissed the top of her head. "Sounds rad. Let's do it."

He looked at at Gwen, and her smile faltered. "Why is there a handprint on your face?" There was a hint of concern in her voice.

"Don't worry about it," he said.

I'll do enough of that for the four of us.