I am pleased with this chapter, because I got to use the phrase "dumb as a beetle" again. My Dad said it a few weeks ago, and I thought it described Anakin perfectly, so I spent ages trying to find a place to slot it in. Then I went back and re-read my story, and realised I'd used it twice. Ah well. It's still funny.
Also, the spelling of Darth Plagueis really annoys me. Just thought I'd let you know.
Disclaimer: George Lucas still owns everything here, except my own dismal creations.
Far away from Utapau, Anakin and Mace were just receiving the news of Grievous' capture. They stood opposite each other at a table in the Jedi Temple war room, accompanied by hologram projections of several Jedi and Commander Cody.
"Our troops are dealing with the Separatist armies," Cody reported. "And I saw Grievous being cuffed, so Obi-Wan must have finished with him."
Mace couldn't help but feel slightly sceptical. Obi-Wan very rarely finished missions; usually he would stay in a luxury hotel for a few weeks, and then return to the Temple when he got bored. Later on, the Jedi Council would find out that he had not actually done anything at all, apart from blow all the Jedi's credits playing poker. Subsequently, Mace had every reason to doubt Obi-Wan's success.
However, he nodded in agreement anyway. "Good. Anakin, go and inform Chancellor Palpatine of these events."
"Yes, Master." Anakin obligingly left the room, leaving the Jedi alone to discuss their fears.
"I sense a disturbance in the Force around the Chancellor," Ki-Adi remarked, frowning worriedly.
Mace waved a hand irritably, trying to pass off this comment. "Are you sure it's not just puberty again?"
"Master, he's at least seventy years old!" Ki-Adi cried angrily. "You have to stop using that excuse for everyone! Especially Master Yoda, because he's starting to get on in years if you know what I mean."
"Hey!" Yoda snapped. "Have speech difficulties I may, but deaf I am not!"
Everyone ignored the diminutive Jedi Master, as usual. Yoda fumed silently. In my day, caned they would have been, he thought.Unfortunately, his day was long gone, and so he had to content himself with whacking his fellow Council members repeatedly with his gimer stick.
"Fine," Mace conceded reluctantly, ignoring Yoda's insistent jabbing. "If Chancellor Palpatine is still acting strangely after he finds out Grievous is gone, I'll remove him from office. But right now, I have something to say as well. I sense a plot to destroy the Jedi."
"Oh, please," Ki-Adi snorted. "You say that at least twice a week, just because you can."
"So what?" Mace snapped, glaring at Ki-Adi. "I like to keep things interesting."
When Anakin walked in, Chancellor Palpatine was busy watching a yoga DVD and performing the "sun worship posture". Unfortunately, Anakin did not know this. Upon observing the Chancellor's bottom sticking up in the air, he assumed the worst.
"Oh, uh... if this isn't a good time, I could come back later," Anakin stammered, backing quickly towards the door.
Chancellor Palpatine looked through his legs at the young Jedi. "No, come in. I was just doing my yoga."
Anakin gave a relieved sigh as Palpatine stood up and switched off the TV.
"Chancellor, Obi-Wan has managed to put Grievous behind bars."
Palpatine was taken by surprise for a moment, but he regained his control quickly.
"Oh, good," he said, smiling stiffly. "That's him out of the way." He paused for a moment, preparing himself; it was finally time to put his plan into action.
"Why aren't you on Utapau with Obi-Wan?" Chancellor Palpatine asked casually.
"I don't know; the Council wouldn't let me go," Anakin shrugged. "Something about an 'incompetent scumbag'".
"Do you ever get the feeling the Council don't trust you?"
"Hell yes!" Anakin exclaimed. It was strange, the way Chancellor Palpatine seemed to be able to read his mind. "I'm not even allowed to use their private bathroom!"
"And you weren't granted the rank of Master," Palpatine pointed out.
"Oh yeah, that too."
"And they always deliberately spill their coffee on your chair, and then say, 'Gee, sorry, I guess you'll have to sit on the floor again,'" the Chancellor added, starting to enjoy himself.
Anakin nodded furiously, positively frothing with anger. "I hate it when they do that! It makes me feel so excluded! And all my robes have coffee stains on them now."
"Yes, and I'm sure there are things about the Force that they're not telling you... I could teach you those things. My mentor taught me the ways of the Force, even the nature of the Dark Side."
"You know about the Force?" Anakin asked, shocked. "How is that possible?"
"I just told you, idiot!" Palpatine snapped. "God, no wonder everyone talks about you all the time even when you're in the room, you never listen! Anyway, shut up and let me talk. I can help you to stop your wife from eloping with Obi-Wan... to do this, you must use the Dark Side."
Anakin looked blankly at Palpatine. "Why do you keep going on about the Dark Side? Is this a joke? If it is, it isn't very funny."
The Chancellor groaned and shook his head. "God, you really are as dumb as a beetle, aren't you? I'm just going to spell it out for you: I am the Sith Lord who trained Darth Maul and Count Dooku."
Anakin drew his lightsaber and ignited it. The blue blade gleamed in the dim light of the Chancellor's office.
"Yes," Palpatine murmured. His lips curled into a smile. "I was under the impression that the story about my murder of Darth Plagueis would have given you a hint, but I should have known better."
"Well, this explains a lot," Anakin admitted. "The wild mood swings, calling this office your "lair", that red lightsaber I found in your desk drawer that you told me was a letter opener... it all makes sense now!"
"Are you going to kill me, Anakin?" Palpatine asked softly. He thought he already knew the answer.
Anakin paced up and down the room, thinking hard. He knew it was his duty to destroy the Sith... but nothing ruined your day more than a violent murder. Also, he hated cleaning up afterwards.
"I should," Anakin muttered. "But if you let me have that statue of the naked woman over there, I'll let you live."
Chancellor Palpatine was slightly disappointed, but he knew that he didn't really have much choice.
"Deal!" he agreed. He spit on his hand and then held it out for Anakin to shake; Count Dooku had informed him that this was what young people did to seal a deal. Anakin stared at him for a few seconds, and then turned away.
Palpatine internally cursed Count Dooku. That idiot really needs to get his facts right... oh wait, he's dead. Oh well.
Anakin scooped up the statue and walked to the door, muttering, "This will look great on our balcony."
Next chapter, things are going to become completely ridiculous, so don't bring your brain. Seriously.
