A/N: Okay guys, I have a favor to ask. I need some help for a future chapter because I need suggestions from people who can't see the list. In any case, I'm going to do the "hat pairings" for a "game" and I need readers to pick TWO numbers from 1-18. The more number combo suggestions I get, the longer the chapter will come out. Plus, you'll get to laugh (and be 100% responsible for) at the resulting cracky "couples."

Chapter Twelve

"So… we are hosting this… fair?" Toris had both eyebrows raised in mild concern. Alfred flashed him a broad grin, "Yeah, isn't it grand?"

Matthew wasn't sure what Alfred's definition of grand was, but he was quite sure that it did not match his. Tons of screaming little mini-humans running rampant everywhere, touching everything, and generally making a mess? Not Matthew's idea of a grand time. The imaginary noise was giving him a headache already.

It wasn't that Matthew didn't like kids, they just made him very uncomfortable. Even Arthur's little brother Peter made Matthew nervous. Or maybe it was especially because it was Arthur's little brother Peter. The little twerp had called the police on Matthew last time he babysat. It was the first time he had babysat too, and having two armed police officers pound on the door and question him left a lasting impressing on Matthew. Namely, children were not to be trusted!

Ivan seemed to be similarly unimpressed. He loomed over Toris, making the younger man sidle towards Alfred, and grunted. Natalia, who was latched on his other side, seemed confused.

"Yes, grand." Arthur repeated, sounding distracted and writing down something on his clipboard. He glanced up, green eyes narrowed, and pointed at Ivan, "You will be in the dunk tank."

Ivan glared and Alfred gave a good natured chuckle and punch to his shoulder, "Awesome! I had that job last year. What a blast!"

"I do not understand. What is a 'dunk tank?'" Ivan softened, clearly thinking if Alfred thought it was awesome, that Arthur had given him a great job. Oh how wrong he was… only Alfred would think being in the dunk tank was fun.

"Do you like swimming? It's like jumping off a diving board and cooling off. It's a great feeling!" Alfred babbled, completely forgetting to mention the fact that landing in the water was completely involuntary. And cold.

Ivan frowned at the mention of water. He started to say something but Arthur, who was coordinating this potential fiasco, snapped, "Oh belt up! Unless you would like to be assigned to the port-a-potties!"

Ivan apparently knew what those were because his mouth snapped shut.

Matthew stared at the group around him. Arthur had pulled Kiku over and was assigning him some sort of role with the cake walk. Cakes and fudge being donated by Ludwig's bakery of course. Kiku nodded, focused on what he was supposed to do. Ivan, Katerina, and Natalia were standing to the side, looking highly confused, but Katerina was undoubtedly delighted by the fact that she was with her brother and friend. Toris was conferring with his friend, a blond guy wearing a skirt named Feliks. Feliks was scowling and Matthew was quite sure the flipping his skirt was intentional. Not remotely his type, but Feliks did have some nice legs. Matthew honestly didn't know what to make of this rag-tag group.

"C'mon Toris, let's go put up the decorations!" Alfred shouted exuberantly. He helped Arthur with the local kiddy carnival every year and at least had some clue what he was doing. And for some reason, after brief period of I-hate-you-because-you're-my-rival-in-love bullshit, Alfred decided that Toris was his third best friend. Toris yelped and Feliks followed, giving unhelpful opinions about everything.

"What about us? The awesome me is ready to be totally awesome for those little brats." Gilbert shouted, coming up with Francis and Toni in tow. Francis gave a little laugh, "That is quite illegal. Perhaps you may want to rephrase that sentence, Gil. In a way that does not include public exposure."

"You would know all about that, you bloody frog." Arthur grumbled, not even glancing up at the three, "Gilbert, you are to run the duck pool. Francis, you are in charge of concessions."

Toni gave an easy grin, bright against his tan skinned, "And me?"

Arthur looked up and glared from under his huge eyebrows, "The parents would have my head if I let you near their precious offspring. You are to keep the grounds clean and the trashcans emptied."

Gilbert cackled and slapped Toni on the back, "That's what your people are good at."

Toni frowned, "But I am not Mexican. I am from Spain. Surely, Arthur, you will reconsider?"

"Do you want to man the port-a-potties?" Arthur snapped, losing what little patience he had. He marched up to Toni and said stiffly, "Perhaps I can find something appropriate for your skills. Here, you may be the target for throw the tomato game."

"I do not think I would like that game; it is a waste of perfectly good tomatoes! And Arthur, you are letting Francis and Gilbert near the children! Why, I love children. They are so tender and innocent… I remember when Lovi was that small and cute…" Toni's eyes started unfocusing and a dreamy grin covered his face. Matthew was mildly alarmed. Arthur just growled and shoved a trash bag at him.

One by one Arthur sent them off to their assignments. Matthew had to admit he was impressed. He always knew that Arthur was good at organizing and bossing people around, but it was fun to see in action.

"Oh, Matthew, lad, I almost forgot."

Matthew stifled the urge to roll his eyes. Well, at least Arthur never found out about the pants. When he had confronted Alfred about it, Alfred promptly blamed Matthew. To which Arthur scowled and told him blaming it on his imaginary double was not going to work this time. He was still going to have to pay for the pants. Alfred whined and wheedled and paid for the pants. Matthew paid him back of course, but at least he didn't have to face Arthur's wrath and that was almost worth being forgotten. Arthur had a nasty temper.

"You and Natalia will be in charge of sword fighting arena." Arthur said, scribbling something on his clipboard, "Yes, I believe that you two will be sufficiently mature to handle such a daunting task. Usually it is Ludwig who mans that section; however, he cannot help us this year."

"The… sword fighting… arena?" Matthew gulped. That sounded like a lawsuit in the making right there. And that would be all he needed, being sued for some kid that cracked his head open. And… oh shit, with Natalia? What had he ever done to Arthur to make Alfred's friend hate him so much. Maybe he did know about the pants and was extracting his revenge…

"Foam swords. They are perfectly safe and it is quite the popular attraction." Arthur replied briskly, already turning to oversee some other task. "You are the most sensible candidate Matthew. You would hardly expect me to assign Gilbert or Alfred to such a task, would you?"

Matthew had to admit Arthur had a point. That would be like adding a helicopter full of gasoline to a forest fire. Not to mention Alfred took kendo once upon a time and would probably knock the kids flying on accident. Matthew could speak from experience that even pillows were a deadly weapon in Alfred's hands (and that cleaning up mountains of feathers SUCKED, hence the switch to cotton pillows).

Before Matthew could say another word, Arthur called over his shoulder, "Port-a-potties."

Matthew shifted nervously and looked at his partner. She was gazing in the direction that Ivan had gone and ignoring him completely. She never seemed to notice the difference between him and Alfred, other than he didn't try to kiss her or hold her hand or even breathe the same air that she did. But he knew she knew he was there in the way a mouse knew there was a cat waiting outside its hole.

"So, I guess we should go set up."

Natalia swept a cool glance over him, "I am merely doing this because Ivan is engaged in this foolery. However, do not expect me to speak to you more than necessary."

Well, cold was an improvement over I'm going to stab you for taking my picture. She swished away in the direction Arthur had pointed them, her knee-length black skirt swirling with each step. Her navy and white blouse clung in all the right places and Matthew had to concede she was quite pretty, in an evil, possessive witch type way.

Matthew staggered under the weight of the fake walls. Natalia ignored him in favor of giving the foam weapons (there were more than just swords, much to Matthew's dismay, especially when he saw the knives and axes) inspection. She flicked a fake dagger over in her hand and made a small tsk of disapproval.

"These are of poor quality. The balance is off."

Uh, duh, they were children's toys. But that didn't stop him from yelping and dropping the wall on his foot when the dagger went whizzing by his head and smacked point first into the wall behind him. It fell to the ground with a mute thump and Natalia frowned.

So Natalia and Alfred did have one thing in common—they were massively destructive with objects that were supposed to be fun and harmless.

Matthew was really regretting being roped into this stupid carnival thing. It'll be fun, Alfred said. It looks great on your resume, Alfred said. They'll have fudge, Alfred said. Ivan's doing it, Alfred leered. Fucktard. Well, Matthew now felt like a total tool. No fun, no fudge, and no Ivan—at least not that he could see anyway. Mmm, wet Ivan… too bad he wasn't wearing a white shirt. Matthew hoped someone convinced him to take off his scarf or things could get ugly.

The area was set up just in time to let the flood of monsters in. Arthur wasn't kidding (not like he kidded anyway—really, how was he Alfred's best friend?) when he said it was a popular area. But much to Matthew's complete surprise (surprise? He was utterly flabbergasted!), Natalia transformed from a knife-wielding ice queen to a knife-wielding ice queen who loved kids. Not that he would ever say that to her face, but it was obvious she LOVED kids. And that smiling so much was hurting her face.

But when she kissed the child's knee "all better" Matthew was officially creeped out. Especially when the kid jumped up and gave her a hug earning yet another soft smile from the White Witch.

And she was teaching the children how to use weapons effectively… shit. This could not end well. He could just see him being chased out of town by a horde of children-minions armed with plastic knives and sporks. Why wasn't Alfred here instead? Alfred loved children…

Matthew almost moaned into his hands. Alfred and Natalia both loved children, and Matthew knew Alfred aspired to have at least six boys and four girls. The two of them would be the next Dugger family!

"Do you require a break?" Natalia asked, frowning at him. They had been working together for over two hours with no blood or screaming or broken fingers. Matthew didn't think it was possible. Now there was a lull as all the kids were at the school talent show.

"Uh, sure. I'll grab us some lunch from Francis. What do you want?" Matthew tried not to let the fear quiver in his voice as she stared at him with a foam axe in hand.

"American food is unpleasant. But, I am hungry, so whatever you decide will suffice." Natalia replied making a face, "Provided it is not a hamburger."

"Alfred took you to McDonald's for dinner?" Matthew sighed at his brother's lack of romance.

"Yes. He has appalling taste, and I informed him of such." Natalia's face twisted up in a long-suffering look, "He promised next time to do better. I do not remember agreeing to a next time."

Matthew smothered a chuckle and tried to sympathize, "He does that to me too. So when are you guys going out?"

"Next Monday evening. Your brother is excessively persistent."

"You mean annoying, and tell me something I don't know."

Natalia gave him a small smile and Matthew decided to leave on a good note. Apparently there was more to Natalia than he original thought—the liking kids thing was a shocker.

Before he went to concessions, Matthew decided to check up on Ivan. There hadn't been any huge disturbances recently, so he assumed everyone was still alive. Rounding the corner he was very surprised to see Gilbert with balls in hand. Gilbert was winding up for a throw, much to the evident amusement of Ivan. A lone ball was rolling slowly on the ground, having missed the target.

Swoosh. Miss. Swoosh. Miss. Swoosh. Miss.

Ivan looked surprisingly dry, although someone, probably Alfred, had convinced him to take off his scarf. A mocking smile curved over his lips and he mock twiddled his thumbs, making Gilbert seethe even more.

"This is a children's game, da? Then it should be quite easy!" Ivan called out, unperturbed that he might take a dunk in the icy water if Gilbert hit the target with his next ball.

The next ball flew straight and hit the wooden target with a thump. The ball shuddered and fell to the ground defeated.

"This is so not awesome! You rigged the fucking game!" Gilbert's face was turning the color of his eyes and his fists were balled up in anger.

"You have a job to do, da? You should go back to your ducks and number where skills are not required to win a prize." Ivan advised placidly, still twiddling his thumbs. Matthew was sure if Ivan were the type to wear big, shit-eating grins, he'd have the queen of all shit-eating grins plastered across his face.

Gilbert stalked forward toward the exit. At the last moment he swerved and punched the target with his fist. The spring made an audible pop and Ivan took an unexpected plunge as the platform jerked out from under him. Gilbert cackled and watched as he flailed around in the chilly water.

"How's that for mad skills? The awesome me wins again!" Gilbert crowed.

"Just what in bloody blazes is going on here?" Arthur roared behind Matthew, making both Matthew and Gilbert jump in surprise. Arthur stormed up to Gilbert, his eyebrows bunched together in displeasure, "You. Why aren't you at your post, you pounce? No, I don't even care, just get back there immediately. The children will be out of the talent show soon enough."

Arthur's gaze swung towards Matthew, "And you, lad, what are you doing here?"

"I-I-"

"Speak up!"

"I- was going to get lunch for Natalia and me when I heard the noise." Matthew managed to stutter. He had almost said he was checking up on Ivan, but that sounded so girly and gay Arthur would probably sardonically raise a brow and inquire when were they getting married?

Arthur nodded absentmindedly, forgetting Matthew the moment he had an explanation, and turned to Ivan. Who was glaring murderously from under sopping bangs and clung to the side of the tank with a white-knuckle grip.

"Why did you not inform me you could not swim?"

"You threatened me with human waste. I assumed, falsely so, that being forced into cold water where I could touch the bottom was an improvement." Ivan growled, dragging himself up the ladder, "Which it was until a few moments ago."

Arthur shrugged, clearly unrepentant, and inspected the target. He tsked and shook his head. "Bloody broken. I will ask Berwald to fix it after the talent show. Ivan, get out and get dry. I believe you have helped enough for one day. I will replace you with Peter tomorrow; his obnoxiousness should bring in customers."

If it was Peter… Matthew would buy some balls. He wasn't as good at baseball as golden boy Alfred, but he was fairly decent at throwing the ball. And watching the kid plummet into icy cold water (which he was sure he could make a little colder with the hose beforehand) would be perfect payback. Matthew smothered a grin and gave no indication to Arthur of his plotting. Let it be known that Matthew usually forgave but never forgot and Peter's actions had neither been forgiven or forgotten.

"Matthew, do you think that Natalia can handle your area on her own?" Arthur asked, already looking at his clipboard again. "I would like you to escort Ivan to get changed then turn him over to Alfred. I'm sure that git will be pleased to have some help with his haunted house."

"Natalia was running it better than I was." Matthew replied. He couldn't believe his luck. Arthur was practically handing him a sopping wet Ivan and asking him to make sure Ivan got changed! And he wouldn't have to stand the awkwardness that was Natalia for at least another half hour. He tried not to squeal with glee. "I'd be happy to help Ivan."

"Very good." Arthur called over his shoulder as he strode in the direction of the duck pond, probably to make sure Gilbert wasn't sulking and playing hooky.

A wet, cold bundle of fabric splatted on Matthew's head and he did squeal. Swatting frantically for a second, he barely caught the shirt as it flew off his head towards the dirty ground. He eyed Ivan's shirt a moment, swallowing his outraged protests, and tried not to turn around, "Ivan!"

"Yes, Matvey?" Innocence oozed out of his tone like honey.

"Why'd you take off your shirt?" Matthew blindly thrust it out, still afraid to turn around. He felt Ivan take it and hear some shuffling.

"It was wet."

Matthew sighed. Of course it was wet. But he didn't need to take it off in public with beads of crystal clear water sliding down the planes of his chest and abs down into the waistband of his swim trunks.

"Let's get you dried off and into new clothes, alright?" Matthew said and turned around, assuming Ivan had put the wet tee shirt back on. He hadn't. And those crystal droplets? They were sensually tracing wet, slick trails down the smooth, pale skin of Ivan's front. Matthew watched with fascination as one drop rolled over his broad shoulder and slid over a dusky nipple before dipping down over the ribcage and falling into Ivan's bellybutton. He was an innie. And suddenly Matthew was considering all the fun things he could do with an innie bellybutton and his tongue. He would make sure that Ivan was all dried off with a few teasing laps and a swirl or two before moving outward tracing those naughty trails of moisture.

A cold drop of water slid down the back of his shirt and he yelped, snapping out of his daydream.