You force yourself to swallow your pride and choke back your tears.
You're happy.
You take Nepeta into your arms, giving everything you have to make her happy.
"Nepeta, I…" You can't. You lost your chance long ago. "Am so EXCITED for you!"
You look her in the eyes, desperately wishing a starving swarm of piranha would eat Gamzee alive. You pull out of your hug and take her hand, aching to see how ugly the ring is…
You feel a tear escape and slip down your cheek. It's beautiful and you hate it. You hate him so fucking much.
"It's beautiful…" You repeat, the words bitter on your tongue.
Gamzee covers Nepeta's hand with his own.
"Thanks Feferi. Means a lot to have your approval. Knew ya'd like the ring too."
You want to cry…
You pretend to itch your eye, wiping another tear away, the lump in your throat burning with the sobs crawling up your throat. You clear your throat, warding them away long enough to ask, "Will you be having a party?"
"Yeah, in a few weeks… We just don't know if we can have it here." Nepeta clearly hesitates. "Would you mind hosting it, Feferi?"
You open your mouth and Gamzee pulls Nepeta close, his arm on her shoulder.
"It'd help a lot, sis. Can fit a lot more people than we can in that mansion a yours." He laughs but you know he is nowhere near joking.
"Uh… Yeah, sure! I can host! I'd be honored! Just let me know when it'll be!"
Nepeta hugs you tightly, getting you off balance for a second. "Thank you so much, aaah!"
Nepeta lets you go after a short while and the warmth fades from you again.
"Thanks, sis." You don't know what to do when Gamzee thanks you. If you have to hug him, you think you'll die.
Though it's not much better, when Gamzee holds out his hand, you are so relieved. You shake it, dying inside nonetheless.
"So, uh… Is that all?" You ask. "Gimme the details!"
Hosting a party celebrating Nepeta and Gamzee's engagement frankly makes you want to puke but it's for her, so…
"It's gonna be on the sixth at two. Will your pool be ready to open by then?"
"Oh, definitely. You won't mind helping me open?"
"Of course not! It's the least we can do in return."
"Yup." Gamzee is quicker to respond than you thought he would be. He walks up to you, taking his hand from Nepeta's and takes a hold of yours again.
He… didn't already forget that he did this already right? You think to yourself, roll your eyes but go with it.
You make to shake his hand but he raises it to his grossly chapped lips and kisses it. You force yourself to resist the urge to swipe it away when he does so and when you take back your hand you inconspicuously wipe it on your skirt. You feel gross.
"Thanks, Peixes. Means a lot. Really."
The man before you smiles and you see a flicker of who he used to be.
What happened to him? Maybe nothing at all… Maybe he was just better at hiding his malice then. Maybe you were too.
You stare at him, looking for any sign of insincerity in his eyes but find none.
You feel nauseous… Could you be the problem here?
You force another smile. Pretending to be happy has never been so hard.
You actually hope you're kicked out by her… fiance before you break down in front of her.
"So, uh… Is that all? Not that that wasn't wonderful news but… I don't wish to intrude if the engaged" You gag on that word. "Have things to do?"
"Actually, we do." Nepeta looks to Gamzee, as if she just remembered so. "We have invitations to make, people to give the news to!"
"I see… So I really am the first to know?"
You wish you had the capability to be flattered by this.
"Well, duh, Peixes. You're my best friend's best friend. She wanted ya to be the first to know." Gamzee hugs her shoulder.
"And uh… since my parents are… well, I'm not sure where, do you think you would mind walking me down the aisle.. Feferi?"
YES! You WOULD mind actually! You want to be the one walking down the aisle TO her! Not with her to give her to a completely undeserving, unworthy man!
You grit your teeth. "I would love to, Nep!"
Nepeta squeals and hugs you tight.
Please, God… Let this be a nightmare.
"Feferi, you're the BEST!"
No… You are, Nepeta.
She deserves the world and you wish so foolishly that you could be the one to give it to her…
The dam is about to break.
You need to leave. Now.
"Well… Thanks for inviting us over! We'll get out of your hair. Come on, Tav, dear."
"But I wanted to talk to-"
"Sorry, Tav, we can do it another time, right Nep?"
"Of course! You're welcome any time!"
"See, hon? Don't worry. Have a good day, you lovebirds!"
You nearly shut the door on your hair in your rush to leave as you feel tears welling up again. Tavros jumps on his own into the car, stumbling a bit.
You get into the car and slam the door shut, staring at nothing in particular.
… He can't hear you like this.
Tavros, honey do you want the radio on? I'll find some Disney tunes for us!" You don't wait for him to answer and turn the volume up.
You feel the lump in your throat growing. You replay everything that happened in you mind and it truly doesn't take long for the tears to flow.
You cover your mouth attempting to stifle your sobs as much as possible. You try to breathe but even then you stutter. You curl yourself up, shaking with each breath you take and letting out another cry in turn.
You feel tears drop onto your hands. You wish you could cry quieter, suffer quieter, love quieter, lose quieter…
No matter how much you cry, nothing will change. You're losing her forever.
Before you can stop yourself, you cry out her name, sobbing louder than before now, your gasping breaths uncontrollable. You feel yourself starting to hyperventilate but you don't care anymore.
You haven't cried this intensely since your mother… No. Somehow, call you ungrateful but, you feel this grief is worse.
You hear a sort of patter next to you and a very small hug wrap around you.
"The radio was too loud. Sorry… it hurt my ears."
You attempt to collect yourself but his innocence is almost too much to bear. You doubt he could ever begin to understand the inner turmoil you feel-
"You love her, don't you?"
You completely underestimated him.
"I… I love her." Those words make your lips tingle and a few more tears fall. "How did you…?"
"Well… You were extremely distressed and you did cry her name but… uh, let's just say I have a lot of empathy."
Wait. There are trolls that can read minds, right? Is he reading your mind?
"No, I am not reading your mind. I can commune with animals, though. Like I said, I just have a lot of empathy… I could feel your distress rising the longer we were there."
You look back up at the apartment building and you feel you've reverted to being a child, and you… want to talk to your big sister so she can punch out the bully but the bully is… your best friend's partner.
… Maybe it'd be nice to talk to someone about this. If anyone, it should be your gay sister.
You grab some tissues and drab your eyes and cheeks of makeup diluted tears and finally turn out of the driveway, swallow and press the voice command button on your steering wheel.
"Call Meenah,"
In a few seconds, you hear one ring and then your sister's voice.
"Hey sis! What's goin' on?"
"Hey, sis. I was wondering if you're in town?" You clear your throat, realizing you still have that raspy, post-cry voice and of course, Meenah easily catches on.
"Somethin' wrong?"
"No, Meen, I just really wanna see you."
"Welp, you know me. Always makin' time for my lil' sis… 'Cept last time. That one don't count."
You laugh a little. "Uh… It so does."
"Damn."
"Anyway, where're you staying? I'll drive over there now-"
"Absolutely not."
"But Meenah-"
"Hey, it's about time I come n' visit you, right? Stay a couple days? Hang out? Catch up?"
You find yourself tearing up again. "Yeah…"
"Welp, I oughta get packin'. It'll be a while 'fore I get there."
"You sure you don't wanna wait til tomorr-"
"Nope, I won't hear it. I'll let you know when I'm on the train and shit. Later, gurl." And she hangs up and you feel better about life as you pull into your driveway.
"Was that your sister?" Tavros asks after you turn the car off.
You smile at the boy warmly. "Yeah."
You both get out of the car and walk back into your house.
It's only been an hour at most and you're completely exhausted.
You look at your fishes in passing and head in to the TV room. In your mind's eye, you see Gamzee holding Nepeta. You take a shaky breath, knowing how the inevitable group conversation is gonna go.
Everyone will be absolutely thrilled for her. Everyone except you, her best friend who is supposed to be the most thrilled.
No. You can't do this to her. You will be happy for her and be a bridesmaid no matter how much it makes you want to die.
You sigh. Save the tears, Feferi.
"So, what do you wanna do for the rest of the day, Tavros?" You ask him, forcing your selfishness to the side.
You suppose you left him in silence for too long because he jumps when you speak. You apologize.
"My friends all have trolls, so… when you're ready, you can make a Pesterchum account and talk to them."
Tavros' ears kinda flop down once you say that.
"Er… sorry, it sounded like a good idea in my head."
"No, it is a good idea, Feferi. I'm just not ready for that, I think."
Oh, right. How silly of you. People like him and Nep don't tend to jump right into friendships.
"That's fine." You reassure him. "I didn't mean to pressure you, I was just offering."
"I would be up for watching Disney movies though," Tavros smiles and you and he briefly switch roles of parent and child. The baby is you.
You'll make some popcorn and let him pick out the movies.
"I'll make some popcorn while you pick what you wanna watch. They're in the cabinet under the TV. I have quite a fine collection, not to brag."
Tavros nods and you both stand, you walking into the kitchen and he over to the TV and sitting on the floor in front of the cabinet.
When all is said and done, Tavros chose Lilo & Stitch, Mulan, and Bolt. He originally chose Dumbo, since he'd never seen that one and was curious, but you outright refused… nicely. Because you don't think either of you should be sad tonight.
You don't remember falling asleep but it becomes apparent that you did when you see Meenah on the couch with you.
You sit up rubbing your eyes and hug your sister, half-awake.
"Meenah! Whuh time did youuu get here?" You ask her amidst a sudden fit of yawns.
"Few hours ago. Di'nt know you had a kid. Gotta tell people those things."
"Guess I forgot to mention that. I wish that was the reason I called." You look down and Meenah slides her arm around your shoulder and kicks up her booted feet.
Wait. Where is he?
"Don't worry, I put the guppy to sleep and fed him. Er- the other way around, I guess."
You sigh. First full day with him and he sees you blubber and your sister had to feed him. Where's your Best Mom Or Whatever award?
"So what's goin' on, Feferi? Di'nt sound like yourself on the phone.
You push away the urge to spill everything. "We don't have to talk about me right now! I wanna know how you're doing!"
"As much as I'd like to talk about my tour and shit, your voice made my heart drop. Haven't sounded so broken since… mom… ya know."
You take a shaky breath.
"Nepeta's getting married, Meenah!" You find yourself whining awfully like a child.
You force yourself to look down at the floor so she doesn't see you cry as tears start to fall again onto your clenched fists.
"Ohh…" Meenah coddles you. "Oh, sis.."
"I should be happy for her, I want to be happy, but I can't! Every time I think about it I start crying. It felt like thorns impaled my heart… Why can't I just…"
"You don't have to be happy for her… It's only human to hurt when you watch someone you love love somebody else… Ooh, that was good. That's a song waitin' to happen."
"Well, that was comforting. I know how your career is going."
"Oi! I'm tryna help!"
"'Oi'? Since when do you say 'oi'?"
"Since shut the fuck up," Meenah punches you in the shoulder hard and despite everything, you laugh.
"I just wish… if she were to marry someone, it wouldn't be a Makara. She deserves someone… so much better."
"Like you?" You don't respond, feeling selfish and guilty. Meenah smirks. "Take that as a yes."
"Meenah, I'm… sorry I called you all this way just for…" You gesture to your tear-stained face.
"Shush. I won't hear of it. Wasn't the only thing I came here fa. I wanted to see you."
You remember that she brought luggage and you make a mental note that you are 'eternally grateful' to Meenah, in Cal's voice.
You smile and hug your sister.
She's right. You don't have to be happy for Nepeta… You can do what you do best: support her. And… admire her from afar.
