A/N: To all who have been patiently waiting for an update for this or any of my other stories, I am sorry for the long wait. Traveling back and forth to help take care of my mother really took a lot out of me and writing just fell to the back-burner for a little while. To those who have sent your thoughts, prayers and well wishes ... THANK YOU! ... I will never be able to repay the debt I owe you guys.

Sadly, on the morning of Tuesday, June 10th, my mom went to sleep and never regained consciousness. She was surrounded by family and loved ones when her soul left her body; she left this world peacefully and that has been a comfort to all of us. Again, to all of you ... I have been humbled by your compassion and support ... I will never forget that.

As a small "Thank You" to all of you who sent your prayers, wishes and thoughts to me and my family, I am posting updates for 'Aunt Hetty', 'The Broken Road', and 'My Fault' all on the same day.


...

Against the Glass

He wasn't even sure where he was going, he only knew he couldn't stay still any longer.

Going too far or for too long was out of the question ... he had only grabbed his wallet, along with his phone and put on a pair of flip-flops before slipping through the gate in the north corner of the Hanna's back yard. Dressed in a pair of khaki cargo shorts and a loose shirt that covered his bandaged chest fairly well, Deeks walked about a block before he realized he hadn't said anything when he left and his 'new' family might worry.

Pulling his phone from his pocket, he texted quickly. IM GOOD. NEEDED SOME AIR. B BCK SOON.

He didn't wait for a response and shut the phone off, knowing Sam or Michelle would immediately call and try to convince him to come back to the house. He couldn't do that, not yet anyway. They would probably want to talk about everything that had just happened ... and he just wanted to clear his head, if only for a short time.

As he neared the end of the street, he realized that Sam would be able to quickly chase him down, either on foot or in his Challenger, and Deeks just wanted a moment to catch his breath after the events at the house. Glancing around, he caught sight of a Los Angeles Public Transportation bus stop at the far end of the block and the thought of getting out of the afternoon heat and letting someone else do the driving sounded pretty good.

It must have been fate, because just when a slightly out of breath Deeks walked up to the stop, a pristine white and red bus pulled up with a small hiss from its air-brakes. Stepping in casually, he hid the slight pinching of his chest as he swiped his public transit card through the reader and found a seat near the side door. There were only few other passengers and they seemed content to totally ignore the tall blonde, so he returned the favor, thankful that the bus' air conditioning system was working at peak efficiency.

As the bus pulled away and headed in a westerly direction, Deeks s leaned his head against the cool glass of the window, watching as more and more of LA passed by. His chest burned just a little from his walk and probably from his little encounter with Sabatino ... but his head was pounding like there was a live Polka band thumping away between his ears. Closing his eyes, he hoped that would help, but as soon as he did ... the CIA agent's face appeared in his mind's eye and the words he had spoken earlier falling from him lips.

"Barely even partners ..."

Kensi wouldn't really say that ... would she? I mean, he must have misunderstood ... we are way more than partners ... and friends ... aren't we?

"Barely ... even ... partners."

I know Sabatino's an ass, I don't even think Granger really likes him ... maybe he's just messing with me, trying to screw with my head ... yeah, that's it ... he's just a miserable ass that wants everyone around him to be the same way.

"She wanted it ... practically begged me ... "

No! That was a lie ... Kensi wouldn't do that ... would she? She's not that type of person ... wait ... I've seen her make the 'walk of shame' a few times ... coming into the bullpen wearing the same clothes she left in ... giving some lame excuse or another ... all of us knowing she had gone out, had a few drinks, maybe a dance or two, before going home with some guy to try and work the tension out of her system.

But it's been ages since she's done that since ... since Dom wasn't it? I barely knew her then ... had just started calling her "Fern" ... the guys were giving her a hard time about the guy she had picked up in the bar when they had all gone out for drinks that night after the funeral.

No, that's not true ... that wasn't the last time.

I bumped into her coming out of the locker room the day after Hetty told us about what happened to their old boss Macey. Kensi was trying to hide the hickies on her neck with her collar ... and when I called to check on her after Renko was killed ... I had a strange feeling she wasn't alone ...

Dear God ... I'm a fantastic detective ... and one gigantic fool.

"I told you Marty, women like that just use us and when they are done getting whatever it is they want ... they throw us away."

The voice in his head wasn't Sabatino's anymore ... it was a voice that had haunted him as a child and now seemed determined to haunt his dreams as an adult. The memory of Gordon John Brandel was something Deeks had struggled against for years, and through counseling and hard work, that memory had begun to fade ... but over the past few days, that voice had begun to creep back into his mind, taunting him more and more. Pressing his head harder against the glass, Deeks squeezed his eyes closed, the throbbing growing only more intense.

"They're all the same ... just like your mother. You think I wanted to hit her? No ... I used to be as gentle as a feather ... but she just wouldn't ever stop pestering me about where I'd been ... she was always so jealous of my friends ... she just kept pushing until I would finally snap ... and then POW!"

Deeks remembered the 'pows' ... both the ones directed at his mother and the ones that found a place on his own young body.

"You remember, don't you boy ... how she used to nag me from the moment I walked in the door until she fell asleep and finally shut that big mouth of hers. Some days, I could take it ... but others ... I just couldn't stop myself from losing control."

The shaggy detective heard the screaming and yelling that still echoed in his head sometimes. It always started off low but soon escalated until it was bouncing off the walls of their small home.

Then the hitting started.

When he was smaller, little Marty hid under his bed or crushed his pillow against his ears so that he could almost drown it all out. But in the morning, he would watch his mother limp around the kitchen as she made breakfast or he would see the bruising around her eyes that she tried to cover with her long blonde hair.

"They're all worthless! Especially that one that's got you so tied up in knots!"

Shut up.

"Come on Marty ... use your head, you're not that stupid."

Stop ... please.

"On the same day she made fun of your years as a lawyer ... she forgot your birthday and went out with some knuckleheaded gang-banger ... "

Deeks knew Gordon never knew he was a lawyer and even if he had, he would have just ridiculed him for not sticking with it longer ... another failure. His dead father couldn't know about the forgotten birthday or Jamie, and how much it had hurt when Kensi had just left him hanging ... alone ... on his birthday. All that didn't stop Brandel's harsh voice from tormenting him on that bus the way it had until a fateful day when Marty had shot him when he was just eleven years old.

"I wonder if she fucked him too ... wouldn't surprise me ... she's fucked just about every other man she's been around ... except for you."

Please God ... make it stop.

"I wonder why that is Marty? Why is it, when she really needs comforting or she wants to escape into the bliss of a physical connection with someone ... your name isn't even on the list ... she always runs to some other man ... anyone but you."

No ... that's not true.

"Liar. You know it is."

No.

"She forgot your birthday and went out with some loser ... she accepted Sabatino's invitation for a drink right in front of you and you just sat that like an idiot ... she probably screwed him that night too, she did follow him right out ... "

Kensi ... no.

And the voice ... the one that had been Gordon Brandel, his abusive father ... was slowly morphing into another one ...

... one that was a lot more familiar ...

... his own.

"Hell, she was actually excited about working with the man and leaving you with Snyder ... and when you came out of the bathhouse soaking wet ... she made fun of you, telling Sabatino that you're so clumsy you probably fell in ... she didn't give a damn that those boys tried to drown you ... "

It sounded just like Max ... Max Gentry.

"And she gave you hell about that Monica girl ... you didn't even have sex with that honey pot and your partner ... your friend ... treated you like shit when you were just doing your job ... "

Please.

Stop.

"Then she badgers you into finally saying something you really mean ... and what happens when you do and you actually kiss her? She runs away ... leaves you tied to a chair to get shot ... all the while, she fucking that smarmy bastard of a CIA agent ... "

STOP!

Deeks' head shot up from the window, the eyes of the other passengers looking back at him. The bus driver's eyes cut up into the large rear-view mirror, concern clear on his face and at that moment, Deeks realized he must have been not only thinking the words, but saying them out loud as well. His eyes darted to the outside of the bus to try to get his bearings ... he wasn't sure just how long he had been daydreaming or whatever the hell you call what just happened to him. When he saw the placard on the outside of the next stop, he shot out of his seat and his shaky legs managed to carry him to the door. The warm California air hit him pretty hard when he stepped out onto the sidewalk, but he knew where he was and it seemed that fate was still sort of on his side.

After walking several yards, Deeks kicked off his flip-flops and pressed his tired feet into the soft sand of one of his favorite beaches. Sam and Michelle had mentioned bringing him down to this particular beach when he finally felt up to it ... he kept putting them off politely, not quite sure when the day would come. Now, standing in the soft, warm sand, a cool ocean breeze in his face ... that day had finally arrived.

There were too many people out this afternoon. After all, it was the middle of the week and most people were either still at work or stuck in the nightmare that was LA rush hour. A few surfers were out on the edge of the breaks, hoping at least one good one would give them an exciting ride to the shore. There were some families lounging on the sand, their large colorful towels covered in Sponge Bob or The Little Mermaid. A couple of college aged guys were throwing a bright green frisbee back and forth in an effort to catch the eye of several bikini clad coeds that were doing a very poor job of hiding their curiosity.

But for all he cared, Martin Deeks was alone on that stretch of sand ... the horrible thoughts from the bus ride slowly ebbing away as the sounds of seagulls and the crashing waves soothed his tortured heart. Holding the flip-flops in his hand, his steps were slow, his legs a lot weaker than he first thought, but he finally managed to reach the water's edge. The moment the cool Pacific touched his flesh ... he immediately felt much better. He threw his head back, letting the sun above warm the skin on his face and the soft breeze dance through his hair.

After standing still for a few minutes, Deeks turned to his right and began to walk slowly up the beach, only letting the water reach his ankles. His wounds were healing nicely and he didn't want to take any chances with the salt water getting anywhere near his more serious injuries, plus ... Michelle would probably kill him if he caused himself any more harm.

He tried not to ... he really did ... but the moment his mind finally relaxed, it fell back to its favorite default setting ...

Kensi.

The source of incredible joy had now become the source of a darkness that now threatened to overtake him. The truth that she had actually slept with Sabatino had been confirmed by the man himself. There was no more use in trying to deny it or hope that it had just been a very bad dream brought on by very potent pain medications. This nightmare was real ... and now the only thing left to do, was figure out how to survive it.

Survive it.

Ironic wasn't it? He'd been through car explosions he was close enough to feel the air turn to fire, blown covers were his was just seconds from a bullet to the brain, innumerable shootouts against people who could actually shoot, car chases that ended in metal rending crashes ... and torture where his only prayer was for it to end in his quick death. Yet, the worse pain that he had ever experienced in his entire life came not from an enemy ... but from the one person on the entire planet that he thought he could trust above all others.

How wrong he had been.

This wasn't the first time his heart had been broken, but he sure hoped to God that it was going to be the last. The further he walked, the more he tried to rationalize what Kensi had done ... it had to make sense somehow ... if it didn't, then he might as well walk out into the deeper water and let it suck him under to oblivion.

Had he been so wrong about what their 'thing' really was? Had he just been chasing after someone who didn't really want him in return?

Could it really be that simple?

No ... it couldn't be.

Could it?

Doubt, the eternal enemy of Trust, slipped in and began to play havoc with Deeks' mind and heart. He had always thought that he and Kensi were heading in the same direction ... that they were on the same track ... wanting the same thing. It wasn't long ago that he would have sworn that they wanted each other ... but the current facts spoke for themselves. While he was focusing on her to survive, to crawl out of the pit Sidorov had thrown him into, she was seeking the love and comfort of another man. All the times he had been there for her, the one time he needed her more than air ... she had walked away.

Maybe that had been the problem all along through the past years of their partnership. Maybe to Kensi, all the flirting and banter had just been a way to pass the day or get through too many long disturbing cases. Maybe he had just been fooled into thinking that a kick-ass, hot federal agent like Kensi would have anything to do with a lowly cop like himself, when she could have any man on the planet that she wanted.

But he couldn't pin it all on her either. There had been plenty of opportunities for him to step up and do or say something to show her exactly how he felt about her ... and he had let them slip through his fingers like sand. Would it have made any difference if during the case where he was pretend 'fired' if he hadn't stopped her almost confession in the bullpen? What if he had just grabbed a hold of her after the Stanley King case and held on for dear life? What if he had told her about the Monica undercover operation ... and been honest about how Granger had blackmailed him into it by threatening his position at NCIS?

What if ... on that hill, instead of just kissing her, he had told her that he loved her so much it hurt.

His bruised heart answered before he could think about it too long.

She still would have run.

Yeah ... she would.

So many chances ... so many missed opportunities.

Deeks paused for a moment and watched as the waves continued to batter away at the sand, his thoughts a storm of confusion and hurt. Then, as he stared at the churning water, his mind and heart came to the same conclusion at the very same instant.

He was the surf.

She was the sand.

The waves crashed and roared ... the sand remained still and impassive.

No matter what minor imprint the waves left on the beach today ... tomorrow, they would be erased at the first changing of the tides ... as if they never happened at all.

He had spent years hammering away at the walls around Kensi's heart, and just when he thought there was a little crack forming ... the next day proved that all his efforts had been in vain. She was the stone that wouldn't be moved ... he could rage against her like a terrible north wind ... she was the mountain that would not be moved.

He gave, she took.

No matter what he threw at her to try and breach her defenses ... her heart was surrounded by a fortress that he just couldn't seem to batter down.

And he just couldn't do it anymore.

He had given all that he had ... there wasn't any more left.

He was done.

That realization actually knocked him to his knees and he completely ignored the looks he got from the other beach goers as he sank into the sand. Tears stung the edges of his eyes and he fought hard to maintain control of his emotions, he really didn't want to make a fool of himself on a public beach. He brought his hands up, wiping at his eyes before running them through his hair, the gesture one of complete frustration and despair.

No more chasing after Kensi.

If she didn't want him that way ... if their 'thing' was just going to continue to be some sexy innuendo and corny jokes ... then he would give her that. If she didn't feel that way about him, then he would bury his pain and agony deep inside where he hid the dark part of him known as Max ... and he would learn to live with it, just like he had done with so much in his life before. He wouldn't press or hound or beg ... she had made her choice and if that's what made her happy, he would take his broken heart and hide it from her ... and he was good at hiding.

...

From his position on the beach, Deeks didn't notice when a black Dodge Challenger pulled in to one of the corner spots in the beach parking lot. He didn't see a clearly agitated Sam Hanna burst from that same car and race toward the sandy also didn't see Sam jolt to a stop when his eyes finally found the wayward detective. Deeks was too far away to see the way Sam's shoulders fell as he realized just how lost and alone his friend appeared at that moment.

Sam had stopped a good distance from Deeks, and since he was approaching from the rear, he was pretty sure that his friend didn't know he was there. The big agent took a moment to ascertain if the cop was in any real pain or danger, and after a moment, he realized that the man's suffering seemed to be more emotional than physical.

Although glad he had found his friend in good shape, Sam still had to fight the urge to run over and literally drag Deeks all the way back to his car and knock a little sense into him. The quick text had calmed the former SEAL and his wife immensely, but until he actually laid eyes on his friend, he couldn't fully relax. But now, as he watched the internal war that raged inside the wounded man, Sam's concern only grew more palpable.

Trying to decide if he should leave Deeks to himself or if he should go over and offer some sort of comfort, Sam flinched slightly when his cell phone chirped in his pocket. Thinking that it was his concerned wife, he quickly dug it out and pressed the answer button, but just as he brought it to his ear, he saw the caller ID and it wasn't Michelle.

"Nate?"

Nate Getz's voice had a slightly calming effect on the agent. "Hey Sam ... did you find him?"

"If you mean Deeks, then yes ... we're down at Hermosa, just south of the pier, but how did you know?"

The background noise told Sam that Nate was in a car, probably headed right toward them at that very moment. "Michelle called Hetty, Hetty called me just as my flight landed ... I should be there in about fifteen or twenty minutes."

Sam let out the breath he hadn't realized he was holding. "That's good news man, we really could use your help."

"I'm just sorry that I couldn't get here faster ... you guys have been through the wringer and I've been stuck over in ... err ... um, never mind where I was stuck." Nate felt horrible about what his old teammates were going through, he just hoped he was in time to mitigate the majority of the damage.

There was silence on the line, until Sam thought it best to go ahead and prep the good doctor before he arrived. "Has any one given you the 411 about what is eating at Deeks?"

There was a long sigh from the other end of the call. "Yeah, Hetty gave me the basics when she called about him leaving your house. I already knew about the nukes, Sidorov, the torture and the shooting ... now I know about Kensi, Sabatino, and that Deeks knows all about it."

"Yeah ... " Sam eased back toward the parking lot but he never let the detective out of his sight. " ... it's all one big shit sandwich ... and I'm afraid Deeks may be beginning to choke on it."

"He's stronger than he appears Sam ... you, of all people should realize that."

Nate hadn't intended for his statement to sting ... but it still did. "Yeah Nate, I do ... and I'm going to do everything in my power to help get him through this."

"I know Sam, and you've already done so much ... you gave him a peaceful place to recover in, your family is showing him his value as a person, and I know he feels the love you guys have for him."

Sam remembered the pained look on Deeks' face during the confrontation with Sabatino earlier that afternoon and he worried that everything they had done, might just be in vain. "I just hope you're right Nate, he seems pretty distraught right now."

"His entire world has been turned upside down ... the torture he was never trained for and then, on top of that, he feels like he's been betrayed by Kensi ... that's enough to drive any man a little over the edge."

Taking another deep breath and letting it out slowly, Sam watched as Deeks slowly rose to his feet and began to amble further up the sea-shore. "That it is, my friend ... I'm just worried that maybe all of that is just too much for him to handle right now ... I'm afraid we're going to lose him."

"Has he shown any tendency for self-harm or suicide?" Nate tried to hide the immediate concern for the detective's life, but Sam picked up on any way.

"No ... nothing like that. I don't think Deeks is the type to do something that desperate."

Nate swallowed hard, hoping that Sam was correct in his observation. "But you are still concerned about him, right?"

"Yeah, I'm afraid we still might lose him ... not physically, but the Deeks we all know and love may not fully come back to us. I've seen strong men crumple under less taxing circumstances and I'm just not sure how this will all eventually end." Sam slowly shadowed the other man as he continued to walk along the water's edge. When a few moments had passed without Nate responding, Sam feared that the call might have been dropped or the good doctor had hung up. "Nate ... you still there?"

"Yeah ... sorry Sam, I was just thinking about what you said."

"And what did I say?"

When the doctor answered, Sam wished he hadn't asked.

"That we might lose him, Sam ... after all he's just been through, we might not get him back."

...