I should have mentioned ages and ages ago that this fic is not in chronological order *face palm*

This Chapter was really hard to write, and I should warn you it comes with a fairly big dose of our old friend angst. I'm not sure my limited writing skills have entirely pulled it of but let me know what you think. xxxx

L is for Love

Three words. Three syllables. Eight letters and a heck of a lot of problems. Saying I love you was a complete minefield.

John Watson has said 'I love you' before, heck a few of those times he even meant it. But no one compared to Sherlock, who was fast becoming the love of his life. This time he really wanted to say it, it just suddenly struck him one day that he had never said those three words to Sherlock, and he wanted to, as if taking those words from his head and putting them into the air made them more real somehow.

He knew that there was no way Sherlock would be surprised by his feelings; it was just one of those types of relationships where the love seemed never to be in doubt. One could not exist without the other, of course they were in love, and if this wasn't love then John had no idea what love was, so surely actually telling Sherlock it would be easy, right? However, like every other relationship, saying it for the first time was quite a big deal, but the way he felt about Sherlock was just so blindingly obvious, he imagined it being the equivalent of telling Sherlock he was man, or that he breathed in oxygen and exhaled carbon dioxide. Of course Sherlock knew he loved him. This was going to be so simple.

He couldn't have been more wrong.


John had cooked tea, well by cook he heated up some leftover risotto and poured them each a glass of wine. Sherlock wasn't on a case so agreed to actually eat. The talked quietly for a bit, then John just couldn't take the pressure anymore and just blurted his feelings out.

'I love you' He said with a mouthful of risotto, it was so unromantic no wonder Sherlock raised an eyebrow at him.

The younger man began toying with his now empty wine glass 'John, no one has ever told me they loved me before.' He mumbled.

John was stunned 'What about your parents? Mycroft?'

Sherlock gave a casual shrug 'My family are not like that, I know they love me, but they are not very open emotionally I guess. Besides they love me because I am their son, or their brother, they don't love me because I am Sherlock Holmes.' John caught a glimpse of just how hollow Sherlock's life had been.

'Well, I love you Sherlock, very, very much' John reached for Sherlock's hand, he felt Sherlock muscles tense. There was a long pause, John felt the room turn unbearably tense and he wasn't sure why.

'I'm sorry John, I can't do this' Sherlock got up from the table and almost flew across the flat.

'Sherlock, Sherlock!' John called after him Sherlock grabbed his coat and ran out the flat. By the time John had put his shoes and coat on Sherlock was nowhere to be seen.

He had to find him, he wasn't going to give up, he had walked around London for what felt like hours, it was beginning to get dark. John shivered in his coat, trying to shield himself from the rain which was getting more and more heavy with each passing minute, John felt that the Atlantic was currently being poured on top of his head. He felt his phone vibrate in his pocket, he stared at it for less the five seconds before breaking into a run.

Regents Park

MH

He found him, in the middle of the park, just standing there, staring up at the sky. No one around him, his black coat made him melt into the dreary sky.

'Sherlock, come home, please' John pleaded.

Sherlock shook his head.

'Do you still love me?' Sherlock still had his back to John.

'Yes'

'Then no'

'Why?' Sherlock finally turned to face him. The rain had soaked him, water droplets collecting themselves on his hair and face. God he looked irresistible, John wished he could look like that in the rain, he guessed he currently looked like a drowned cat.

'This cannot last John, you love me now when everything is new, when all I have to do is look you in the eyes and you fall apart, but what about months, maybe years down the line? Do you honestly think things will stay the way they are now? There is a reason people do not fall in love with sociopaths. This little bubble we have, it won't last, it cannot last, I think you want more then I can give you. I tried to forget these fears, than you blurt out that you love me, it's gone too far, we should stop it, before we cannot'

'No'

'Why'

'I love you Sherlock' his voice cracked and it took all the energy in the world just to say the four short words.

'You're just saying that, it's just lust, just the chemistry in your brain' he shook his head.

'No it isn't, I know what I feel, stop telling me how I feel' John hissed at him.

'But you can't be in love with me'

That was it, John had had enough

'Stop making this about me Sherlock, it's about you, you are simply doubting yourself, no one has ever told you they love you before, you tell everyone you are a sociopath and everyone goes on and on that you are not a proper human being, but I see straight through you and that freaks you out. Well guess what I love you, I fucking worship the ground you walk on you great big idiot, so rather than behaving like a spoilt child, why don't you act like an adult for once and deal with this situation properly' John was waving his arms about in such a dramatic fashion Sherlock wondered if he might hit him.

'I love you Sherlock bloody Holmes, please get that through your thick fucking skull, I love your experiments, I love that you leave body parts in the fridge I love the way you look at me sometimes like I'm totally crazy, I love that you're a genius but I'm the one person you let close to you, I love waking up with you in the morning , I love that laugh you give me, I love the way you look at me the way you look at no one else, I love that when you look at me and you make me feel like I'm the only man that exists. I love that when I'm around you I forget to breath. I love you because I'm a total wreck without you, I love you because without you all I'm doing is killing time, with you I'm alive, stop looking at me like are over Sherlock, we are so far from over ' John couldn't believe he was pouring his heart out to the one person he thought knew him better than anyone while the rain was soaking him to the bone and making him shiver.

'But John, what if one day you will want to leave, what if it all gets too much you decide to settle down and have horribly adorable children? I can't deal with that, it's better to end it now' he protested.

'Sherlock, tomorrow I might get run over by a bus, no one knows what the future holds, not even you, this relationship may crash and burn, it may last forever, but it will never work if you push me away, it should be my choice and I choose you' There was a long pause, Sherlock staring at him with such a wounded expression that John he reached out a hand cupped Sherlock's cheek

'I regret a lot of things Sherlock, things I have done, things I wish I had done, but not for one moment will I ever regret falling in love with you'

Sherlock nodded his teeth chattering

'You may doubt yourself, you may feel that I am too good for you, but I am an ex army doc with a psychosomatic limp who can't let go of the battlefield despite the fact he has nightmares of it, we are both broken, both living lives on the fringes, but maybe, maybe we can find redemption in each other'

'You are not giving up on me are you?'

'Never'

Sherlock leaned in against John's hand and nodded 'I-I-I l-l-l-o-o-v-e-e y-y-y-o-o-o-u' he spluttered.

'Then come back to me' John crashed their lips together, they stood kissing in the rain, shivering as the rain fell over them, the water sinking into their clothes. The entire world forgotten around them.


They undressed each other, peeling the wet clothes of the other. Leaving their clothes in a wet pile on the floor. John had seen him naked so many times but Sherlock couldn't help but feel very exposed, as if John was looking right past his skin into his very soul. Sherlock towered over John but he couldn't help but feel so very small, he leaned on John the way he had never relied on anyone else.

John led Sherlock to the bed, they began to kiss, running their hand over the other, pressing their chests and erections together.

'I want you Sherlock'

'I know'

'No I mean I really want you' John held Sherlock head and he immediately understood what John meant.

'Are you sure?'

John nodded 'very, I want this, I need this'

Sherlock lubed up a finger then prepared John, he gently pushed it inside, he opened John up before adding a second. The feeling of Sherlock's fingers inside him was strange at first, slightly uncomfortable but not entirely unpleasant. Then Sherlock found something deep inside John, his fingers rubbing against something that made him gasp and writhe and moan in pleasure. It made his head spin. He had never felt anything like it. Sherlock's mouth never left John's and all he could do was whimper into Sherlock's mouth, Sherlock couldn't believe he was having this effect on John.

'Touch yourself John, touch yourself for me' So he did, it didn't take him long before the hot liquid spilled over his stomach, he groaned as Sherlock removed his fingers. Then he bent down and licked all the cum of John's stomach. John loved feeling of Sherlock's hot, wet tongue along the soft skin of his stomach. Sherlock consuming part of him, the act was shockingly intimate.

Despite having a mind blowing orgasm it wasn't enough, his body mourned Sherlock. His body needed Sherlock, he felt as if he couldn't breathe unless Sherlock touched him, as if he would curl up and die if Sherlock didn't make love to him right that very second.

'Now Sherlock, now please'

Sherlock tore open the condom wrapper, breathing in the familiar scent of latex. He grabbed the lube and slicked himself and John up. He placed a pillow under John to get a better angle. John wore an expression of total lust and fear at what was to come, remembering when losing his own virginity to John he tried copy the comforting words John has spoken to him.

'It's ok, just relax' He kissed John in reassurance.

Sherlock started slowly, feeling John's tight around him, Sherlock resisting the urge to lose total control in John. Easing himself bit by bit, as gently as he could. Then he lost it, completely and utterly. He was inside John, actually inside him, he couldn't quite get over this. His hips began to have a mind of their own. His body forgot his minds instructions to take it slow, luckily John didn't seem to mind. Not if the noises he made was anything to go by.

'Oh John'

'Oh Sherlock'

The rest wasn't even in English.

Sherlock came and collapsed next to John, his energy entirely spent, it had been a strange day, but perhaps the greatest day of his life, someone loved him. Someone was in love with him, because they wanted to, because he was Sherlock Holmes.

'Oh John, I love you I love you I love you'