Heeeeeeeey guys. Sorry for the unexpected hiatus, it started with me legitimately disliking chapter 199 and thus having trouble lightheartedly poking fun at it, followed by school attacking me with a vengeance, then my health going to shit when the lack of eating and sleeping inevitably led to my immune system going on strike. Then that happened again. And it just sort of got put off indefinitely. But no more!
I'm super behind, but I have already capslocked about half of the chapters that are out; I just have to fill in the missing ones so that I can upload them in order. But I am back baby. Let's catch the fuck up.
CHAPTER 199
MAN, WHAT EVEN HAPPENED LAST CHAPTER? OH, RIGHT. SO ALMA FINALLY DIED… SUPPOSEDLY… ALLEN HAD SOME FUN BONDAGE TIME/DADDY ISSUE EXPLORATION AND DISCOVERED THAT ALMA WAS A TRAP. ALSO WE FOUND OUT THAT TIMCANPY IS GOD.
PROCEED.
WE OPEN WITH KANDA AND ALMA REEEEACHING FOR EACH OTHER, SURROUNDED BY EITHER SHOJO SPARKLES AND FLOWERS OR DECOMPOSING BITS OF ALMA-SKIN AND FLOWERS, BECAUSE… DOES ANYONE REALLY KNOW WHAT GENRE DGM IS ANYMORE? I DO NOT.
ALLEN: SO ALMA WAS THE SOUL OF THE WOMAN OTHER-KANDA WAS IN LOVE WITH PUT IN THE BODY OF A YOUNG BOY TURNED AKUMA TURN I DON'T EVEN KNOW?
ME: FOR THE RECORD:
"IT ALL MAKES SENSE NOW! THE GHOST WAS ACTUALLY MARIE DRESSED IN DRAG AND WANDERING AROUND THE HALLWAYS! $50 SAYS THAT EXPLANATION MAKES MORE SENSE THAN WHATEVER HOSHINO COMES UP WITH." — CHAPTER 191 SUMMARY
MONEY PLEASE. ALSO, FOR THE RECORD, I WOULD BE PRETTY PISSED IF SCIENCE GAVE ME A LITTLE BOY PENIS TOO. A LOT OF THE THINGS THAT ALMA HAS DONE ARE NOW JUSTIFIED.
BLOATED CORPSE THAT WAS ONCE ALMA: *IS TOTALLY ABOUT TO EXPLODE*
EVERYONE: FFFFFFFF
KANDA: WRYYYYY?
BLOATED CORPSE: *EXPLODES. ALLEN'S MANHIPS TASTEFULLY POSITIONED AGAINST THE EXPLOSION*
ALLEN: *SKIN STARTS TO TURN GREY!* *SKIN TURNS BACK IN THE NEXT PANEL!* I LIKE TO KEEP PEOPLE GUESSING.
WE SEE A GIANT CRATER WHERE THE EXPLOSION TOOK PLACE, WITH KANDA IN THE CENTER— UNMARRED, OF COURSE, DESPITE BEING INCHES AWAY. WHAT BULLSHIT, AMIRI-
KANDA: *CRUMBLES INTO A THOUSAND PIECES*
ME: OH… OH SHIT…
CYRIL: LOOKS LIKE WHAT'S-HIS-FACE WAS FINALLY AVENGED. YOU KNOW, THE UGLY ONE. WHO KILLED ALL OUR MAIDS.
KANDA: *STILL IN PIECES, MISSING LIMBS, FUCK*
ALLEN: *HAS A BIG NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MOMENT OVER CORPSE*
ME: SHIT. NO. OKAY. IT'S KANDA. THERE IS NO WAY THEY'D KILL OFF KANDA. THERE HASN'T EVEN BEEN A FLASHBACK OF PASSING OR—
~PAGE OF ALMA/FLOWER LADY WITH ALLEN EXPOSITING ABOUT TEH TRAGEDY~
ME: THAT- THAT DOESN'T COUNT!
~FLASHBACK TO CHIBI!KANDA~
ME: FUUUUUUU—
ALMA: HEY, I'M TOTALLY STILL ALIVE! I AM… A HEAD, AND A MANGLED TORSO, BUT… ALIVE! AND YEAH NO TELLING KANDA THAT I'M THAT PERSON, I'D RATHER HE KEEP SEARCHING FOREVER SO HE'LL ALWAYS BE MINE.
ALLEN: DOUCHE MOVE. PLUS I'M PRETTY SURE HE'S DYING ANYWAY SO YOU MIGHT AS WELL TELL HIM.
ALMA: NOPE. MINE FOREVERRRRRRRR.
ALLEN: GOD, WHATEVER. I AM NOT KANDA'S MARRIAGE COUNCILOR.
ALMA: YUUUUUUUU *CRAWLS AROUND SEARCHING FOR, WITH ONE ARM*
ME: ALLEN WILL YOU PLEASE MERCY KILL HIM ALREADY?
ALMA: YUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU…
ALLEN: THIS IS FUCKING DEPRESSING *PICKS UP AND CARRIES OVER TO KANDA'S NOT-CORPSE BECAUSE HE IS NOT DEAD DAMMIT*
ALMA: YOU'RE NICE.
ALLEN: THANK-
ALMA: *MUTATES AGAIN!*
ALLEN: WILL YOU STOP DOING THAT?
ALMA: SRY *SKIN CRACKS, TURNS INTO SOME SORT OF DARK MATTER BLOB THING*
VOICE: BEANSPROUT…
ALLEN: OMG!
KANDA FANGIRLS (ENTIRE FANBASE): OMG!
CYRIL: SO, WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN NOW?
EARL: NOTHING, THAT WAS POINTLESS FILLER.
CYRIL: GOTTA MAKE THAT PAGECOUNT SOMEHOW.
EARL: INDEED- *IS SUDDENLY BOUND BY CROWN CLOWN! LOOKS… TOO HAPPY ABOUT THIS…*
~SEGUE, WHAT IS? SUDDEN SCENE CHANGE TO ALMA!~
ALMA: YU'S VOICE…
~AND BACK TO THAT OTHER SCENE!~
ALLEN: *SWINGS ON CROWN CLOWN AS IF TARZAN, ONE ARM AROUND KANDA'S DISINTEGRATING CORPSE*
CYRIL AND WISELY: *CLING TO THE EARL TO PREVENT HIM FROM BEING PULLED DOWN. THIS IS ALL… FAR TOO COMICAL TO TAKE SERIOUSLY, YET TOO UNCOMFORTABLE TO OUTRIGHT LAUGH AT*
KANDA: SEND US TO THE PLACE WHERE WE WENT ON OUR FIRST MISSION, NO ONE WILL FIND US THERE.
ALLEN: K *THROWS HIM*
ME: I HONESTLY FEEL LIKE I AM READING THE PAGES TO THIS CHAPTER OUT OF ORDER.
ALLEN: GOOD LUCK WITH THAT. IF ANYONE CAN SAVE ALMA, WHO IS MAYBE ALREADY DEAD, IT'S YOU.
KANDA: THANKS… ALLEN WALKER.
ENTIRE FANDOM: *GASP*
KANDA: *SMILES*
ENTIRE FANDOM: *SWOONS*
ALLEN: *BLUSHU*
ME: ALRIGHT HOSHINO NOW YOU'RE JUST BAITING THE YAOI FANS.
KANDA: *HUGS ALMA-DARK-MATTER THING*
ME: OR THE… BESTIALITY… KIND-OF-SORT-OF YAOI… KIND-OF-SHOTA… NECROPHILIA FANS… WHAT IS THIS EVEN?
KANDA: LET'S RUN AWAY, TOGETHER THIS TIME.
ONE FINAL FLASHBACK: CHIBI!KANDA AND SHOTACON HUGGING.
ALLEN: THIS IS THE SADDEST THING. EVERYTHING IS RUINED FOREVER.
ALMA: *STARTS TO CRUMBLE AGAIN*
ALLEN: WHAT IS HAPPINESS? *OPENS A GATE FOR THEM*
KANDA: HOLD ON TIGHT, ALMA
ALMA: *IS POSSIBLY REALLY REALLY DEAD, THIS TIME*
ALLEN: OH MY GOD. *COLLAPSES GATE* FUCK EVERYTHING. JUST… FUCK EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE. I AM PEACE-ING OUT OF THIS MANGA.
END
I have decided to start assigning a number rating to chapters, based solely on how much I enjoyed reading them, for the following reason: I do not hate DGM. As a whole, I love this series. So, to differentiate between the "Ahhh!" and the "uuuuugh," a rating from 1-10.
Please note: If Lenalee does not appear in a chapter, the highest it can scores is a 9, because I am arbitrary and Lenalee is clearly the best character. Just my opinion, but I am the author, so therefore my opinion is better than yours. What can you do about this? NOOOOOOTHIIIIIIIING.
Rating system:
10- OH MY GOD THE BEST THING EVERRRRRRR! AHHHHH SO MANY EMOTIONS SO BRIGHT SO VIVID ASDFGHJKL
5- Straight average, equal amounts of "!" and "..."
1- Thanks for shitting out this piece of nothing. I feel dead inside.
0- Seriously, Hoshino? Again? Are your bones made of charred twigs? STOP GETTING INJURED, I NEED MY DGM FIX DAMN IT.
Today's rating: 6
Honestly… I can't remember why I hated this so much when I read it like 5 months ago. The flow/pacing was confusing, but things actually happened and it actually made me feel an emotion. Maybe it didn't the first time, but it did looking back. Idk, maybe I just needed a break from this never-ending arc to properly appreciate it. I was Alma-ed out.
